


if i could fly

by serise



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Coming of Age, Dark Past, F/M, Fluff sometimes, Slow Burn, Training, a lil mysterious, ill add tags if necessary later on, not your dad/daughter relationship lol, sexual assault is mentioned but not described, the slowest of slow burns, will follow reader through the plot of snk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 18:17:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 35
Words: 169,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17085305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serise/pseuds/serise
Summary: Your life has been less than ideal from the very moment you were born, in the dark alley of a slum you wouldn't recognize now no matter how hard you try. The number of times you've been passed around from makeshift parent to makeshift parent is higher than the number of friends you've ever had. So when your best and only friend betrays you for his own benefit, you wonder if you even have the will to keep fighting for the life you've barely lived.But the sun is brighter than you ever could have imagined, and fresh air is so cool and crisp. The pain of deception hurts, but you're determined to find your only parent who has a chance at still being alive, and experience what freedom really feels like.





	1. one - first day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is going to be following the events of the anime/manga in the point of view of the reader. there will probably be minor changes and additions to the original story so that the reader fits in.  
> i wanted to make it so they start training at 15 and graduate at 18 (i know a lot of fic writers have done this) but in the essence of me not knowing for sure at what point in the original story this fic will end, im just going to keep the ages from the manga/anime. even if we all know 12 years olds are typically not smart enough to do any of the shit eren and his pals get up to hahaha (if youre 12, please dont be offended, i too was once your age, and i was a dumb bitch). 
> 
> anyway thats my sort of intro to this fic! i hope if youre reading you enjoy- this will be fairly long, and i will try to update regularly. if you comment i will of course reply, and also be very thankful hahaha. thanks once more, and enjoy the first chapter!

_“Hey, Sara… do you mind if I stay with you for a couple days until they come to take all the trainees to camp? I’m doing this behind my parents’ back, after all.”_

_“Huh? I guess that’d be fine. As long as you promise to let me take you to say goodbye to them before you leave.”_

_“...Of course.”_

 

**YEAR 847**

A small bead of sweat drips down your temple as you momentarily shut your eyes against the bright sun. It feels like hours have passed, although realistically, it’s probably only been about one. 

“I’m Armin Arlert, from Shiganshina, sir!”

Your eyes open and drift over to the petite blond boy standing two rows ahead of you. He’s turning his head as he shouts back to Keith Shadis, the drill sergeant of your group of cadets- the 104th training regiment. Of the south, that is. You hear there’s another group training at the same time as you on the other end of Wall Rose.

You sigh under your breath. Since the moment Shadis had first instructed all of you to stand at attention under the burning sun, he had been beating shame into a majority of the trainees. He has skipped a few, though- not that you’ve even seen half their faces, considering your side of the block was second to go.

“Shh,” the kid next to you shushes you harshly. You glance up- he’s pretty tall, light brown eyes that look almost gold in the sun, and a fluffy undercut of sandy hair. You roll your eyes decidedly at him, and go back to observing. 

“Next! Who are you?”  
“Mina Carolina, from Trost, sir!”

Pretty name, you think, tilting your head slightly to see if you can get a glimpse at her face. Unfortunately, she’s courageous enough to stand straight in front of Shadis.

You shift your balance a little as Shadis passes through another five or six trainees, shouting so loud you wonder how his voice hasn’t gone yet. He skips a light blond with her hair tied up who’s standing across from the boy and girl he skipped earlier, and moves on to your row.  
The kid next to you shivers. Maybe in anticipation? You heard him bragging about making a good impression earlier. 

“What’s your name, maggot?”  
“Inha Beecher, sir! From Krolva district!”  
“Krolva, eh? I heard they eat shit for fun in Krolva! Do you eat shit for fun, cadet?”  
“No sir!”  
“Wrong!” He flicks the girl’s forehead and you hear her yelp as she tries to stay balanced. A smirk lines the corner of your lip as Shadis approaches the arrogant kid standing in your left.

“Who the hell are you?” he shouts, getting up close and personal with the muffin-top. Spit flies out from the edges of his mouth, a drop hitting your cheek. Disgusted, you cringe mentally and resist the urge to wipe it off.  
“I’m Jean Kirschtein from Trost, sir!” 

Ah, so that’s his name. Sounds appropriately upscale. Is it just you, or are half the people here from Trost?

“What are you here for?”  
“I want to join the military police and live an easy life in the Interior, sir.” Jean Kirschtein replies smoothly, with the utmost confidence. You continue to resist the urge to wipe off the saliva on your cheek, and subsequently the urge to then smear it on Kirschtein’s pristine uniform.  
“I see,” Shadis says, leaning back onto his heels. Kirschtein visibly relaxes. “So you wanna live in the Inner District, huh?”  
“Yes, sir!” Kirschtein looks eager that Shadis has recognized his goal. Well, you think, mentally shrugging. At least the kid’s honest. 

Wordlessly, Shadis headbutts Jean Kirschtein from Trost with a force you never personally witnessed. You almost jump back in surprise, but manage to keep your feet steady as the kid crumples to the dirt next to you. “Who gave you permission to sit?” Shadis belts, practically blowing out the eardrums of everyone in the surrounding area as Kirschtein clutches his head, groaning. “If you can’t even handle that, you’ll never make it to the Military Police!” 

You feel the stares of the other cadets as Shadis abandons Kirschtein and stops in front of you. You match his gaze, settling into your spot on the ground, almost daring your instructor to ask you where you come from. He received the list of trainees this morning, he must have seen where you signed up to join.  
Shadis pauses in front of you for a few seconds, not quite passing you by as easily as he had that foreign-looking girl or the blonde one earlier. Despite that, he narrows his eyes, gives you a short nod, and moves on to the other super tall guy on your right.

 

“I seriously can’t believe she did that,” the girl who you think is Mina Carolina from earlier comments to two other girls walking with her. You follow a bit behind, somewhat surprised by just how quickly people have already created little groups. Unless she knew those girls from earlier. There really are a lot of people from Trost in this group.  
“I know, right!” a girl with red hair exclaims, laughing. “I mean, who does that?”

You shake your head. They’re talking about Sasha Braus- you remember her name because of her incredulous act of stealing a potato from the kitchens and eating it while standing at attention. As a punishment, as soon as you’d all been released from the ranks, Shadis sent her to run laps until “she can’t feel her legs, or more importantly, her goddamn intestines!”. 

“Meet there before dinner?”  
You turn your head, attention having been caught by the pair you noticed earlier, that Shadis skipped over. The boy is talking to the oriental girl, pointing to the porch of the mess hall.  
She nods. “Okay, see you then.”  
The boy turns immediately and catches up with that blond coconut-head from before, throwing his arm over the kid’s shoulders with a shout of excitement. The girl watches them for a moment before turning, coincidentally to face you directly. 

She’s standing a few feet away, but your eyes focus on hers easily. She’s pretty, you notice. Her features are unique- dark, slanted eyes and medium length straight black hair, with moderately fair skin. You almost call out to her, almost ask her if she wants to walk together, but a pang of fear hits you just as you part your lips, and instead, you turn on your heel and start walking quickly to the girls’ dormitory.

 

“Awww, bunk beds, no way!” someone whines as soon as you make your way inside the dorm. There’s a little common room, with a couch and a rug and a bookshelf, and a hall which splits off, all the doors open. 

You’d been lagging behind, and sigh deeply as you walk down the hall, finding that every room has seemingly filled up. You bite your lip and push open the last door- hoping there’s no one in there so you don’t have to go around begging for a place to sleep. Should’ve just made friends with Mina Carolina.

The short, pale blonde girl Shadis had skipped earlier looks up at you from one of the bottom bunks. She doesn’t say a word, so you awkwardly shift your feet. She is going to be the first person you actually talk to at this camp.

“Is… is anyone else staying in here already?”  
The girl stares at you blankly for a moment, then slowly shakes her head, looking away from you and out the window instead. Nodding, you step into the room, wringing your fingers as you mull over where you want to sleep. This girl is a little bit scary looking, so you’d rather not sleep right above her, but that also makes the bed across from hers sketchy too-

“Is it just the two of you in here?”  
Your head whips around to find the oriental girl standing in the doorway, her expression stale. The blonde girl doesn’t seem keen to answer, so although you feel awkward, you manage a small smile and reply.  
“Yeah, you can pick which bed you want?” you end it like a question, regrettably.  
_Please don’t pick the one I want, please don’t pick the one I want-_

“I’ll sleep here.” she says, setting down her small bag on the bottom bunk across from the scary blonde. 

You celebrate a victory in your head, and smile more genuinely at her. “I’ll take this one, then.” you say as you point to the one above the oriental girl. She nods, then looks down to stare at her hands. 

“I’m going to get changed,” the blonde says abruptly, grabbing her bag off her bed and standing up. “Don’t let anyone take my spot.”  
“Sure,” you mutter, shifting your weight from side to side. 

You stand in silence for a few seconds, not sure if you want to climb up the ladder and sit on your bed yet. You just don’t know what else to do.

“What’s your name?”

“Huh?” you look over at the oriental girl, eyes wide. She shrugs.  
“We’re roommates, so we might as well know each others’ names.”  
“Right…” you offer her another small smile. “Sorry I was awkward, earlier. My name is F/N L/N.”  
She tilts her head. “When?”  
Surprised, your eyes widen further. “Um- outside the dorm. I was kind of staring at you and your friend.” Wow. You really just admitted to that.  
“Oh.” she says, glancing out the window. You follow her gaze, and see that the boys’ dorm is visible from here. “It’s fine.”  
“Oh, good…”

You continue shifting awkwardly.

“I’m Mikasa Ackerman.” the girl says, standing in front of you. She offers her hand, chin raised. “It’s nice to meet you.”  
You stare at her hand for slightly too long, brows subconsciously drawing together. Snapping yourself out of it, you grasp her hand, looking back up at her face. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

“Hey!”  
You and Mikasa both look back to the doorway to find a different, much shorter, much less scary blonde standing in front of you. You drop Mikasa’s hand and turn to face the girl.  
“Yeah, what’s up?” you ask, feeling less uncomfortable now that you made acquaintances with someone.  
The girl is panting, looking very concerned despite the fact that you have free time right now and it’s the first day. “Is there any room in here?”  
Mikasa nods, pointing to the bed above the scary blonde’s. “That one is open.”  
The girl in the doorway sighs, looking visibly relieved. “Oh, good. I totally forgot that Sasha is out there running and didn’t get a chance to pick where to sleep! Are you two okay with it if she stays in here? I can switch with someone if you think she’ll bother you…”  
“No, Christa, that’s okay.” Mikasa says. _Oh,_ you think, nodding to yourself. _Christa Lenz. I remember now._ “I’ll watch this spot for her.”  
“Thanks!” Christa smiles brightly at the two of you. “You’re Mikasa, right? I heard someone saying your name earlier.” Mikasa nods, but her face is still relatively blank. Christa faces you. “I don’t think Shadis called you out. What’s your name?”  
“I’m Y/N,” you tell her, with as sincere of a smile as you can conjure up, thankful for her forwardness.  
Christa beams again. “Great! I’m in the room across from yours with Ymir, Marie, and Cara. You’re both welcome to sit with us at dinner, if you want!”  
“I’m sitting with Eren and Armin, but thank you for the offer,” Mikasa says politely, then reaches over and grabs her bag. “Y/N, I’m going to change, too.”  
“Uh-huh,” you step out of her way as she swiftly moves past you and Christa. Said girl’s eyes follow Mikasa’s form briefly, then slide back over to you.  
“Well, I’ll leave you to your devices. Just come knock if you need anything!” with a flash of her bright flaxen hair, she’s turned and gone back into her room, just across the hallway as she’d said.

You sigh, shutting the door about halfway for some privacy, and reach down to pull off the standard-issued boots you’d been given this morning, placing them in the chest pressed to the wall perpendicular to Mikasa’s. At least now you have two pairs of shoes instead of one.  
You climb up into your bed, lightly setting down the small bag they’d given you when you had to change into the uniform. You pull out the one change of clothes you have, chewing on your lip. The first paycheck you get as a soldier is going towards a new outfit- but for now, it’s all you have. 

Underneath the plain button-up, sweater, and skirt, are the few things you’d had in your skirt pockets before you’d changed. Ten dollars from Sara, your recently acquired citizenship card, the locket you’d been carrying around since you were left at the orphanage, and a small slip of yellowed paper, folded tightly. 

In the hazy light of mid-afternoon and the ambient noise of dozens of girls just outside the door, the exhaustion from the past week catches up with you, and you rest your head on the stiff pillow, drifting off to sleep with the paper in your hand.


	2. two - balance

“Who’s that?” Eren asks as Mikasa waves a silent goodbye to the girl she’d been walking with before approaching him. The girl heads inside, the door of the mess hall swinging shut after her. Everyone that had been on the porch talking about the dropouts, (and then briefly the Colossal Titan) were gone, as Marco had herded them all inside, apologizing profusely to Eren. 

“My bunkmate.” Mikasa replies, looking content (or as content as her usually stoic face could appear without smiling).  
“What’s her name? Shadis didn’t make her introduce herself.”  
“Y/N,” Mikasa tells him, pulling open the door to the hall and holding it open for Eren and Armin, who ducks his head and thanks her, then opens his mouth to talk as Eren surveys the hall, looking for the food line.  
“Did you ask her if she’s from Shiganshina too? It seems like most of the people he skipped were either from there or right around there.”  
“He didn’t skip you, though, buddy,” Eren snickers as the three of them get in line to grab food.  
Looking offended, Armin’s lips part once again, but Mikasa cuts him off. “No, I didn't ask. She seemed quiet. And she took a nap.”

Eren’s eyes wander around the hall as Mikasa and Armin continue talking quietly about various trainees they’ve met. He recognizes a few faces- Reiner and Bertholdt, who are his and Armin’s roommates, Marco Bodt, Thomas Wagner. Nobody else immediately stands out to him. There’s some loners, people who sit by themselves and look content to do so. Most people have found a group of people they like, most likely whoever they chose to share rooms with.  
_She’s pretty,_ Eren thinks as his gaze lands on a small, cute-looking blonde sitting beside a few other girls. He looks around at the table, spotting the girl Mikasa was walking with before. Y/N.  
You’re sitting on the very edge of the table, leaning your head on the palm of your hand as you look off into the distance, not seeming like a part of the conversation going on between the rest of the girls. Eren watches your face carefully, trying to see if you’ll start paying attention, if you’d just been having a moment where you were out of it- but you just remain expressionless… almost hollow. He frowns.

“Eren!” Mikasa’s hand lands on his shoulder. “Grab a plate.”  
He turns, sheepishly smiling. “Oh, right, sorry.”

 

“Y/N! Y/N, look!”  
You snap out of the daze you’d been in since finishing your food as soon as Christa taps your shoulder with agitation.  
“Huh? Is something going on?”  
“This kid is from Shiganshina,” Ymir, the tall girl Christa had instantly bonded with, tells you. She looks entirely disinterested, but you furrow your brows.  
“Who? Armin Arlert?”  
“No, Eren Jaeger!” one of the other girls (you hadn’t bothered with everyone’s names) grins with excitement, pointing to a group of people huddled around one of the tables. You squint, shifting around to get a closer look.

_Oh, it’s that kid. The one Mikasa is friends with._

“I already told you I saw it,” he says, eyebrows drawn together in what seems to you like annoyance.  
The group practically oohs and ahhs, treating him like a celebrity, a chorus of ‘really?’ and ‘what was it like?’ reaching your table a few feet away easily.  
“Big enough to look over the walls,” Eren says with a sigh. You consider tuning out, but you can’t deny you’re intrigued. News of Wall Maria falling and the Colossal Titan had reached you a little later than everyone else, and since you had never seen the walls before a week ago, you had a hard time imagining just how big the sucker could have been.  
One of the girls at your table gasps. “No way… he’s lying right?”  
“He was there, dumbass!” Ymir snaps, rolling her eyes. 

Eren reassures the people around him that it was not in fact tall enough to step over the wall, and then explains what it looked like. You try to picture it in your mind. Skinless, a big mouth… all you can think of are those weird hairless cats in the streets. 

Someone asks about the armored titan, which you’re also curious about, but Eren seems to just brush that off, saying it looked like a regular titan to him. 

“I heard the armored titan was totally covered in gold,” Christa whispers to you and Ymir.  
Ymir just scoffs. “In that case, we better find it and figure out how to pull the thing apart. I could use some spending money.”

You chuckle, feeling the same, but tune back in to the conversation at Eren’s table.  
“So then, what’s a regular titan like?” someone asks, eyes wide and up close to Eren’s face. 

Eren freezes. He’s absolutely still for a moment, and while it may not look like much to anyone else, you can tell. Your eyes narrow as you watch him closely. He’s remembering something- it’s clear in the way that his irises waver ever so slightly, the far off look in them, the expression like not only he has stopped moving, but time has as well. For that moment, you feel sorry for him, wondering what could have possibly happened that made him freeze up this way when titans get mentioned.

The spoon Eren is holding clatters into his bowl, splashing soup on his shirt. A few of the kids around him step away, looking disgusted, but he just puts his hand to his mouth, shaking a little.

“Oh, no…” you hear Christa from behind you, sounding worried. You just continue observing carefully. Will he break down now? In front of all of you?

“Guys, let’s stop with the questions, okay?” the tall, freckled boy that was standing on your right this morning- Marco, you think- cuts in. “There’s probably things he’d like to forget.”

Everyone looks uncomfortable for a moment, and you can’t resist the smallest snicker. Leave it to people who have never seen something even remotely bad happen to be the most curious about what it’s like. You shake your head, bringing the glass of water in front of you to your lips.

“Sorry for asking, Eren-”  
_“Don’t be.”_

Surprised, your eyebrows shoot up as your head whips around, finding that Jaeger seems to have composed himself. He takes a bite out of his bread, and with a cocky smile, continues talking.

“The titans aren’t even that tough… if we can master the 3D maneuver gear, they won’t stand a chance! Finally, I can train as a soldier… I was just so excited that I forgot myself for a minute there.”

You tilt your head, watching his expression. Strangely enough, he seems confident and assured in this statement, even though you had seen the obvious fear of his memories just a few moments ago. 

“I’m joining the Survey Corps, so I can wipe the titans off the face of the earth. I’ll kill them all.”

The beginnings of a shocked gasp start in the audience, but are cut off by someone else talking. When your eyes land on who the new voice is coming from, you can’t resist a dramatic eye roll.

“What? Who is that?” Christa pokes you after seeing your reaction, while the culprit himself starts harassing Jaeger about his Legion aspirations.  
“Jean Kirschtein,” you mumble, deciding this is where you stop paying attention to the main event of dinner.  
“You don’t remember?” Ymir cackles quietly, ruffling Christa’s hair. “The kid got headbutted by Shadis.”  
You crack a smile at that, but Christa just frowns. “Oh, I hope his head is okay…”

“Hey,” you sit up, pointing at the untouched roll of bread on Christa’s plate, suddenly motivated to make conversation if extra food is the reward. “Are you gonna eat that?”  
“Oh, um…” Christa flushes, leaning in towards you. “I was going to bring it to Sasha Braus when she’s done running. It’s been five or six hours, after all.” she practically whispers, clearly trying to keep it a secret.  
You tilt your head. Is it that big of a deal to smuggle some bread out of the mess hall? You push it off the plate and into her lap, and before she can make a sound, start talking loudly. “Geez, Christa, you can really wolf it down, I just asked a question is all…”

Ymir and the other girls look over, some of them laughing and commenting on Christa’s unexpected speed, some looking more interested in the current argument between Kirschtein and Jaeger.  
Christa smiles up at you under her long golden eyelashes. “Thanks,” she whispers. You just nod, standing up.  
“I’m going to head out.” you stand and adjust your jacket, picking up the plate and sliding out from the benches, only to take two steps and end up smacking directly into Jean Kirschtein.

“Hey!” you snap, expecting him to turn around and apologize for standing in the middle of the walkway, but he seems distracted. Did Eren leave?

“Forget it,” snickers a bald-headed kid from the table on your right. “He’s looking at _her._ ” the kid points towards the doorway, where Mikasa is standing. Just as Jean starts walking towards her, you make a tch sound under your breath and gently push past him to go put your plate back. 

 

When you return to the dorms, Mikasa and Eren are hanging out in front of the porch, Eren leaning back on the posts casually while Mikasa listens to him talk. You can’t help but watch them as you approach, thinking of the past and friendships that are no more.

“Y/N,” Mikasa calls out just as you’re about to walk past.  
You stop, turning to face her and Eren, but simply tilt your head in question. Realizing that you’re not going to say anything, Mikasa holds her hand out towards Eren.  
“This is my adopted brother Eren,” she tells you, more enthusiastically then she usually talks. 

Adopted brother? Your face must not hide the surprise, because Eren laughs, sounding a little grim.

“Yeah… it seems weird, but we got put into some less than ideal circumstances.” he rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, then extends his other hand to you. “It’s nice to meet you, though.”  
“...Yeah,” you say, taking his hand and firmly shaking it. “Good to meet you too.” You give the two of them a small smile with a sense of finality, but Eren seems to have not gotten the hint, because he starts talking again as soon as you’ve taken one step back.

“So,” he starts, leaning back onto the post of the porch again. He regards you with suspicion, his almost unnaturally green eyes decisive on your face. “What do you think of what that horse-face said earlier?”  
“Who?”  
Eren’s eyes practically bulge out of their sockets as he throws up his hands. “Who? What do you mean, who? Kirschtein!”  
You nod, ahhing in understanding. “I see. You mean your argument at dinner.”  
“Yeah. Who does that idiot even think he is? I was totally right, huh? Mikasa won’t say that I was!”  
You glance over at Mikasa, who seems like she’s somewhat zoned out. Looking back at Eren, you shrug. “I wasn’t really listening. I’m sure you both made some great points.”  
“Huh?! Hey, listen, Y/N, I think you’d really-”  
“I’m going to head inside now,” you interrupt, unwilling to stand out here in the darkness and listen to someone convince themselves that they had the upper hand in a discussion you had no interest in. “Don’t worry about waking me when you come in, Mikasa.”  
“Hm?” the girl looks up at you, then nods softly. “Okay.”  
“Goodnight,” you call over your shoulder as you start walking away.  
“Goodnight,” Eren’s loud voice calls back. He quickly starts talking to Mikasa again as soon as you’ve made your way up the stairs and to the front door. 

Annie, as you’ve learned is your other roommate’s name, is not back yet, so you have the room to yourself. You take your other, regular pair of shoes off, and strip down to the undershirt of your uniform and just your underwear, folding your other clothes and setting them carefully in your chest. You decide to lock it until you have more trust in your roommates. Mikasa is probably trustworthy, but you have yet to meet that Sasha girl and she did steal a potato, and Annie is still intimidating to you, so your reasoning still stands.

You climb up the ladder to your bed and release your hair from it’s tight braid, laying down and pulling the sheets up to your chin.  
The window is open, and even from here, you can hear the murmur of Eren Jaeger’s voice from the front of the building. The noise from a few girls talking in the other rooms sounds like home to you, so you quickly drift off once again, into the shaky and light sleep that you’ve suffered from since your childhood.

 

The next morning is full of excitement, anxiety, chaos, and confusion, and anticipation, and especially girls fretting around asking themselves if they’re really doing this. Sasha Braus is the first to wake up in your room- she was up with the sun and assumed the rest of you would also like to be. She woke up Mikasa first, who groaned but accepted it and began to do some stretches, then tried Annie, who fiercely smacked her gentle hand away and grumbled to let her sleep, then climbed up your ladder and shook your leg, calling you to wake up.  
Little did she know, from the first footstep Sasha made on the floor when she climbed down from her top bunk, you’d been awake.

“Are you excited, Y/N?” she pipes, practically hanging off of you as you press down your jacket. How the girl even learned your name is a mystery to you, but you don’t have it in you to push her away, so you let her drape her arms around you with her bright smile.  
“I guess so,” you say, doing your best to smile back.

Today is the first day of your training. The goal is to be able to balance comfortably on the structure which emulates flying with the 3D gear; ultimately, someone who can’t do that has to be kicked out, considering it is the basis of all your training. They also use it to determine your potential, if maneuvering will be your strong suit or not.

“I get the feeling you’re gonna be really good at it, Y/N!” Sasha pats your back aggressively, which you cringe away from a little. “Actually, Mikasa might be better than you… but you’ll still be good.”

For some reason, you agree. Mikasa really does seem like the kind of person who will be good at this. She has the stoic, strong, and level-headed aura of a soldier. As long as she has the skill to back that up, you can see her doing really well.

“Thanks,” you tell Sasha. You pat her head, with far less intensity. “I hope you’ll do well too.”

 

Christa drags you along with her and Ymir as the girls start filing out to head to the field with the balance structures. Sasha had caught up with the bald-headed kid (his name is Connie, as she told you many many times this morning) who happens to be from a village nearby hers, and Mikasa left to meet up with Eren as soon as she was out the door.

“I’m so nervous,” Christa clenches and unclenches her fists as you get in line to go. “I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m going to fail.”  
“You might,” Ymir says at the same that you say, “Don’t think that.”  
“Geez,” Christa rubs her hair, pouting her lips. “Neither of you are good support.”  
You crack a smile and give her a thumbs up. “You can do it, Christa.”  
“It doesn’t help if your voice is monotone like that,” Ymir snarkily comments, and you roll your eyes at her.  
“Like you’re any better,” you mutter under your breath. 

A few minutes pass where the three of you are just observing, checking out who’s doing well and who seems to be having a hard time. Eventually, you make it to the front of the line, and Ymir mercilessly pushes you in front of Christa to go first.

“You ready, recruit?” the guy operating the ropes asks as you hook yourself into the harness.  
“I think so,” you tell him, double-checking that you clicked everything in right.  
“Alright, I’m gonna pull you up now,” he warns, and you nod, ready to feel what this is going to be like.

Truthfully, if you hadn’t been forced into joining the military out of circumstance, you may have thought about it anyway solely for the prospect of being able to fly. Well, you know it’s not technically flying, but you’d seen Military Police soldiers use their gear before, and nothing ever astounded you so much. The idea of so much freedom, being in the air with wind whipping against your cheeks… nothing else was more thrilling to you.

It’s then that you spot Mikasa down the line- and just as Sasha had predicted, she’s still as a stone, completely comfortable. Next to her is Sasha herself, who also seems to just be hanging normally with little effort.

_Woosh!_

You let out a surprised yelp as you’re suddenly whisked into the air, pressure building on your midsection where your center of gravity lies. A panic almost hits you as you look down and your feet aren’t touching the ground, but an excited cheer distracts you.

“Nice, Y/N! You’re doing it!” Christa calls with a bright smile. 

And indeed, you are. You’re surprised that it’s this… easy. The feeling is like one of floating with a sack of rocks hanging from your waist. It’s strange and new, but not necessarily difficult. Maybe you’re comforted by Mikasa and Sasha’s ability, or maybe you actually have a talent for this. 

A pair wearing green military coats strolls along and stops between you and Mikasa, pointing between the two of you. You can’t be sure, but you like the idea that they’re saying that the two of you are doing well. 

Shadis comes by to check how well you’re balancing, and with a quick nod from him, the guy to your side lets you down, calling Christa next.

“Great job, Y/N!” she high fives you as you walk by, and feeling uplifted, you grin back at her, whispering a good luck.

“Jesus, look at that,” you hear Ymir mutter as soon as you make your way back to her, standing off to the side. You frown, trying to figure out what she’s looking at, until you see exactly what she means.

“What an asshole,” someone laughs. “He was talking about how you should leave if you’re not strong enough yesterday. Wow, just look at the guy!”

Eren Jaeger is face first in the dirt.  
Your jaw drops. How…? How is it possible to do so poorly? Nobody else that you’ve seen today has had such an abysmal performance. 

Shadis crouches in front of him and proceeds to shout at him to pick himself up. Mentally telling Christa sorry, you start pushing through people to end up a few feet to Eren’s right, close enough that you can see the sweat gathering on his forehead, dripping towards his chin as he’s completely upside down.  
He grunts, trying desperately to pull himself up, but to no avail. Swinging helplessly upside down, Eren blinks and blinks and blinks at the crowd standing in front of him. Everyone is amazed by the failure of the kid who’d proclaimed he would kill all the titans just last night.

“Pfft, what a joke,” you hear someone spit. 

“Eren! Are you okay?” Mikasa runs up right next to you, then turns to the man operating Eren’s cords. “Let him down.”  
“Wait- no! I can do it!”  
But the ropes are loosened, and he comes crashing down. 

Eren groans, grabbing his forehead as Mikasa comes to his aid, unlatching the harness from his straps. Armin appears too, offering words of support.  
As he stands up, his eyes somehow land right on you, past both of his friends. You stare back, in shock, in amazement. With a shameful grit of his teeth, Eren rips his gaze away from you and stalks away, Mikasa and Armin trailing after him. 

“That’s rough,”  
You turn your head to see Sasha taking a sip of water, that Connie kid next to her.  
“Haven’t seen anyone fail that badly the whole day.” he comments, then shrugs. “Well, just like he said, if you’re weak, you gotta go.”  
Your eyes narrow at that. It had been easy for you, too, but wasn’t that kind of mentality too harsh? After all, passion had to count for something, right?

“Wanna go get lunch, Y/N? Connie?” Sasha throws her arm around your shoulder with a jubilant smile, Eren’s ordeal already forgotten. “I smelled potatoes on the way here.”

 

After lunch, you had the rest of the day off, which Sasha convinced you to use hanging out with her, Connie, Jean, and Marco, on the basis that she “didn’t wanna be the only girl there”.

You zoned out pretty much the entire time, mind focused on Eren and his utter failure today. It just didn’t add up to you. Was it even possible for that to happen? Even the people who had really had a hard time getting balanced never totally flipped over the way Eren had.

“Hey,” someone snaps in front of your face. You look up to see Jean Kirschtein, and almost chuckle. Eren’s reference to him as horse-face last night really was accurate. “I asked you a question.”

The five of you are hanging out on the porch of the boys’ barracks, which you were nervous about, but Marco had assured you that you just weren’t allowed inside. 

“What did you ask?” you question, completely monotone. Marco seems like a good enough guy, so you don’t really get why he likes Jean, who made a bad impression on you and has yet to prove it wrong.

“What district are you from?” Jean settles back in his chair, looking like he’s won something as you become very, very still. “Shadis didn’t make you say in front of everyone, and I think I know why.”  
“He skipped a lot more people than just me,” you snap, deflecting the question. Jean smirks.  
“Yeah, people who saw the titans or whatever. But I got a good look at the enrollment sheet while walking by his office this morning, and one person’s name and sign-up location caught my eye.”  
“Jean,” Marco starts, but you just narrow your eyes at Jean.  
“And? What do you care where I’m from?”  
His face turns serious. “I’m wondering why the hell a girl from inside Wall Sina is in the cadet corps.”

The reaction from the other three is exactly what you were expecting: eyes wide, mouths hanging open, disbelief written across every part of their features. And to top it all off, a few others seem to have heard.

“No way!” the monstrously beefy guy you think is Reiner approaches, his tall friend behind him. “You’re from Wall Sina?” More heads turn at his booming voice, and you already hear the mumbles of people walking nearby wondering who you’re talking about.

“I…” your throat is suddenly dry, and you shrink back into your chair.  
“Listen guys, if it makes her uncomfortable we shouldn’t ask about it.” Marco says, ever the saint. “Everyone has their own reasons for joining the military.”  
“Yeah, but most people’s is to get as far into the walls as they can,” Jean drawls, leaning forward so that he’s nose to nose with you. “Unless you’re some kind of suicidal bastard like Jaeger?”  
“Haha, Jean, let’s just listen to Marco and-” Sasha starts, but you tilt your head in a challenge towards Jean.  
“It’s almost like Shadis keeps that list in his office because it’s not your fucking business.”

Sasha looks surprised. In the day that you’ve known her, you’ve pretty much been stoically observant the whole time, the harshest thing you’d done so far was chuckling when Connie called someone a dipshit for taking extra soup at lunch.

Jean puts his hands up, leaning away. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you, Sina girl.”  
You narrow your eyes substantially. “Call me that again and you’ll wish you’d never opened your mouth.”

“Damn, she’s kinda scary,” you hear Reiner whisper to his tall friend. With a heaving sigh and no patience to wait for Jean to reply to you, you stand, giving the table a once-over.

“I know there’s probably no chance that this won’t get out. But I’d like to ask you not to spread rumors about me yourselves.”  
“Of- of course, Y/N!” Marco stands too. “I won’t say anything, and Jean won’t either.”  
“Hah?!” Jean smacks his friend’s hand off his shoulder. “I’m not agreeing to that!”

With the bickering starting up, you pivot and make your way down the steps of the boys’ dorms, heading back to the girls’ barracks where you’ll figure out what to do before dinner in a couple hours. 

 

You consider yourself extremely lucky that Eren managed to fuck up so badly on the same day that people start talking about where you’re from. The story doesn’t even have your name attached to it- just that there’s someone in your ranks from Wall Sina. At dinner, all anyone can talk about is “that kid who said he’d kill all the titans”. Maybe Marco really did keep Jean from talking about you.

Mikasa and Sasha come into your bedroom a little later than they’re supposed to, but Annie is already dead asleep and you’re just on the floor against Mikasa’s bed reading a fantasy book from the shelf in the common room. 

“Well, I’m off to bed!” Sasha proclaims, stretching her arms as she starts changing into pajamas right in front of you. Mikasa averts her eyes shyly while you just tsk and look down at your book. “Rough day for all of us, huh?”  
Mikasa nods, sitting down on her bed beside you.  
“Do you want me to move?” you ask, pointing up to your bunk. She shakes her head.  
“No, it’s okay.”

A few moments pass in silence (silence plus Sasha’s immediate snoring) as Mikasa stealthily changes her shirt without showing any skin, and then she asks you a question that throws you off guard.

“Do you think Eren will be able to succeed?”

You look up at her, closing the book over your finger to hold the page. “Why do you ask?”  
Mikasa’s expression becomes embarrassed. “I… I told Eren we should quit and become farmers if he can’t do it.”

You almost laugh. Eren? A farmer? After he said his goal is to kill all titans? Well, maybe if he really doesn’t get his act together…

You shake that thought off. “I think he will. A lot of people are saying nothing matters if you don’t have the skills, but I think his determination is admirable.”  
Mikasa tilts her head, then smiles softly at you. “You think so?”  
You nod, grunting as you stand up. “Yeah. I hope he succeeds, at least. Then he can prove everyone else wrong.”  
Mikasa hums as you climb up to your bunk. “Goodnight, Y/N.”  
“Goodnight, Mikasa.”


	3. three - freedom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **warning: mention/description of near assault**

The next day, Eren Jaeger’s equipment proved defective, and he passed the balance test with flying colors. Nobody ever brought up where you were from again, and just like that, the first few months of training had gone by faster than you ever could’ve realized. 

 

Today, though, was a very special day. A day which would mark the real beginning of your military career- at least in your mind.  
Today would be your first day using the 3D maneuver gear in the forest nearby.

For the past couple weeks, you’d all been practicing firing your hooks and making sure they dig in deep enough to support your weight on various materials. You’d practiced firing ten feet up on a wall and pulling yourself to land on the top, and you’d practicing swinging between two parallel surfaces. But you had yet to feel it. The feeling you’d been waiting for since that day on the balance machine.

The feeling of freedom.

“Ah! This is so exciting!” Sasha, in her typical manner of being hyper even at seven in the morning, was practically bouncing around with glee as you, her, and Mikasa got dressed in your room. Your half of the training group would be going today, and the next half tomorrow. 

Annie, as per usual, left early to get changed, and managed to be as secretive as possible despite living with the three of you. You didn’t really mind, though. Among everyone, she was probably the best at hand to hand combat, so you were just fine avoiding getting on her bad side.

“I agree,” Mikasa says, standing after she finishes lacing up her boots. “It should be interesting today.”  
“I’m looking forward to it too,” you tug on the end of your braid to make sure your hair won’t come loose in the air.   
Sasha laughs, looking amazed. “Wow. This really is exciting. I’ve never seen both of you anticipate something this much!”  
“That’s not true, Mikasa and I both look forward to rice day.” you joke, slipping your jacket over your shoulders. Mikasa chuckles under her breath, nodding her agreement.   
“Doesn’t everyone?” Sasha’s eyes turn dreamy. “I know I do.”  
“Not the same, you look forward to every meal.” you give her a sly smile as she pouts at you.   
“I’m heading out,” Mikasa announces, walking towards the door. “Want me to wait for you?”  
Sasha waves her off. “No, go on ahead. We all know you can’t stand making Eren wait anyway.”  
Mikasa quickly turns and leaves in response, seeming a little embarrassed that Sasha called her out like that.

“She’s kind of obsessed with him, right?” Sasha laughs as she pulls up her thick hair into a ponytail. “It’s not just me?”  
“Just like your obsession with food,” you lean against the wall, waiting for her so you two can go together. “They’re siblings, didn’t you know?”  
“Huh?!” Sasha’s eyes pop open. She whips around to face you in disbelief. “What do you mean by that? They look super different, no way they’re related!”  
You shrug. “One of them is adopted, I don’t know who. That’s what Eren told me.”  
Sasha ahhs in understanding, going back to fixing her hair, then whips around again. “Wait, when do you ever talk to Eren? I know you only willingly talk to me, Christa, and Mikasa!”  
You cringe. Harsh. “...How do you know I talk to you willingly?”   
“Pfft. Whatever, Y/N. Let’s go, it’s an exciting day!”

 

Shadis stands above half of the 104th cadet group with a stare so intense you feel like he could burn holes into the dirt. It’s a bright and sunny day, with next to no clouds in the sky, and no wind either, really. You presume they would have cancelled it if the conditions weren’t perfect like this, out of concern for the trainees who were less confident about their ability. 

“Cadets, at attention!”

The entire group shouts, firmly throwing their right fists against their chests, just where the heart lies under all the skin, muscle, and bones. 

Shadis narrows his eyes. “Good form. I expect you all to carry what you’ve learned, in every aspect from every part of your training up to this moment, and apply it to today’s mission!” He turns from his spot on the raised podium, and points to the forest. “In groups of five, I will send you into that forest. You have forty minutes to make it to the other side. If one person from your group doesn’t make it, the whole team is disqualified!”

A groan resounds through the cadets, which doesn’t surprise you. You haven’t had many group assignments where teamwork is required yet, and you know it’s human nature to put yourself first.  
You’d probably leave someone behind if it meant you would succeed, too. 

“You will make it in under that time if you navigate precisely using only your maneuver gear! This is the thinnest and narrowest section of the entire forest. The team with the lowest time will have first servings at dinner tonight- but there is no penalty or advantage for the rankings whether you win or lose!”

At this, a cheer sounds from the group. You can’t deny that doesn’t sound good. The first to dinner are pretty much the only ones who get a share of food when it’s still hot. 

“Once you reach the other side, another instructor will be present to mock grade your performance. With that, here are the names of the first group: Mikasa Ackerman, Hannah Diament, Tom Gresenberg, Christa Lenz, and Doan Kermer.”

You look from the corner of your eye through the crowd to see Mikasa shifting slightly- that’s when you realize Shadis hadn’t told you to break form yet.   
Looking back to your instructor, he stares down at the five he listed for a few seconds, until something seems to click, and with the most amusement you’ve ever heard him speak with, he calls down for everyone to relax, and that the teams will have five minutes to talk and decide a plan before taking off. 

As Mikasa’s group finds each other, Shadis lists off the next group, which Sasha happens to be a part of, and she bounds off to find Connie, who also was listed. Now alone, you purse your lips and start checking the straps of your gear, still not totally used to the sheer weight of the gas canisters and blades hanging off your hips.

You wait around alone for a few minutes, not really listening to Shadis as he calls names. There are around fifty of you to get through, after all, and with teams leaving only every five minutes or so, it could be a while.

“Hey.” The easily recognizable voice of Eren Jaeger rings out from behind you, so you slightly turn your head to check if he’s talking to you. Once your eyes land on his he tilts his head questioningly, as if to ask why you haven’t actually faced him yet.

You sigh and turn, interlocking your fingers. “Hello?”  
Eren frowns. “You look really unhappy to be talking to me.”  
 _Huh?_ “Oh, I’m sorry I came off that way.”

Eren is quiet for a moment. He looks more like he’s observing you than just looking at you, but you don’t comment on it. After all, you also do that to everyone, and you’ve done it to him plenty of times. 

“I think we’re going to be on the same team.” he tells you, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back in somewhat of a defensive stance. “Shadis is putting someone in the current top ten right now in every other group.”  
“So? He’s only gone through like three groups so far.” you squint, not even sure if that statement was true. “And neither of us are in the top ten, last I checked.” Eren looks confused at that, so you lift your chin at him. “What?”  
“Um- last I checked, you’re number ten. He posted new results last week. You didn’t look?”  
No… actually, you hadn’t. “Ymir told me,” you mumble your thought out loud, then groan. “What the hell! She keeps doing this to try and raise Christa’s spirits! We’re only in the first few months of training, why is she like that, geez…”

By the time you trail off, you notice Eren chuckling behind his hand, and subsequently you tilt your head at him, like a dare. “Are you laughing at me?”  
“Sorry, I…” he finishes laughing with a final chuckle, looking up at you from under his dark lashes. “I’ve never really seen you get riled up like that. You ditch combat training almost every time we have it on the schedule, and whenever someone teases you, you just ignore it.”  
You must not be able to hide the surprise on your face- Eren actually notices you? And your reactions to other people? He must be paying attention since you seem to be the only girl Mikasa is somewhat close with.

“Oh, sorry, that was kind of weird, huh?” the boy in front of you sheepishly rubs the back of his neck- is that his habit? “Since you’re friends with Mikasa, I kinda end up being curious about what you’re like sometimes.”  
So your theory was right. “I’m pretty normal,” you tell him, then instantly regret it.

That’s not true. In fact, that’s one of the most bold-faced lies you’ve told to date. Normal? Normal was someone like Mina, or Sasha, or even Jean Kirschtein. Normal people grew up in normal cities or towns or villages, with parents, with friends, and joined the cadet corps to try and get into Wall Sina.  
No, you definitely aren’t normal.

“Normal or not, I’m glad Mikasa actually talks to you. She never makes friends unless I tell her to.”  
You can’t help but chuckle at this. “Does she just do whatever you say? Kirschtein was complaining a while ago that she cut her hair because you told her she should.”  
“Huh?” Eren narrows his eyes, side-eyeing Jean, who is standing across the field painfully alone, since Marco is in the group going tomorrow. “What a creep. I’m gonna kick his ass in hand-to-hand one of these days.”

You nod. Jean really is the top asshole of your class. At least, to you. He hasn’t mentioned the nickname “Sina girl” when anyone else is in earshot, but he’ll say it if you somehow end up in the same vicinity when other people aren’t nearby. 

Time passes quickly as you and Eren talk about mundane things- your favorite meals they serve here at camp, who snores the loudest in your dorms, if Annie is as scary as she looks (you make sure Eren knows that she truly, truly is, especially in the morning). It feels casual, and it feels nice. You don’t often take part in these kinds of conversations even at mealtimes with Sasha and Connie or Christa and her gang. 

You barely even realize it when it’s just you, Eren, and three other people left on the field, but Shadis climbing down from his podium to round the five of you up catches your attention.

“Y/F/N, Eren Jaeger, Mina Carolina, Inha Beecher, and Stefan Hubrich, you are the final group. Pick a team leader and decide your plan. You have five minutes.”

“Sir?” Mina raises her hand politely just as Shadis is about turn around. He pauses, looking sharply in her direction, but she remains unbothered. “Who has the fastest time so far?”  
For a second, it seems like Shadis is debating with himself on whether he wants to answer that question, but he gives in. “The first team is currently in the lead. I won’t tell you their time. Get to planning, cadets.”

Mikasa’s team. Not much of a surprise there. Christa was a part of that team, too, meaning there’s no way anyone got left behind with her coddling nature.

“Alright,” Eren says as soon as Shadis walks away, climbing back up to the high platform from which he can observe the treeline. “Who wants to be the leader?”  
Nobody volunteers. You think about raising your hand after an awkward ten seconds have passed, just for the sake of not wasting any extra time, but Mina saves you.

“I think you should be the leader, Eren!” she smiles brightly at him. “You’re really determined, so I’m sure we’ll have the drive to win if you’re in charge!”  
“Uhh…” Eren looks around the rest of you. “Any objections, I guess?”  
“I was gonna say Y/N should do it,” Stefan nods in your direction with a playful smirk. “She is the only one in the top ranks right now.”   
Your eyes widen, and you throw your hands up in front of you. “No, no! Thanks Stefan, but I’m just fine with Eren being the leader. I’m not even that good, so…”  
He shrugs, his eyes resting on you just a little longer than normal. “Whatever you say. That means it’s all on you, Jaeger.” 

“Right…” Eren clenches his fists, looking over his shoulder at the treeline. “Here’s what I think we should do, then. There’s still going to be other trainees in there while we’re going, so if we want to win we’ll have to pass at least one whole team, if not two. I think we pick the fastest one out of us to go ahead of the rest of the group and scout out where the other team members are. Maybe they can whistle or something to let the rest of us know what path to take. We should try to make this as easy on us as we can.”  
“How about we just sabotage the other teams?” Stefan laughs to himself. “That’s a surefire way to get past them!”  
“More like a surefire way to get disqualified,” Inha shoots back, glaring in his direction.  
“That sounds like a great plan, Eren,” Mina beams at him for the second time. You narrow your eyes at her. It seems like she’s just a little too excited about being on the same team as Eren- and if you want to win, you can’t afford distractions. 

“Okay, good,” Eren says, then gestures to you. “I think you should take the scout role, Y/N.”   
Damnit! Can people stop trying to pin important things on you? “Um, well maybe you should since you’re the leader, Eren-”  
“No, I definitely can’t. I should stay with the team. “ he nods firmly at the group. “I won’t abandon you guys for anything.”  
“Thanks for the sentiments, Jaeger,” Inha drawls, leaning on the shorter Mina. “Are you up for it, L/N? They do say you have potential on the 3DMG.”

You frown. The only reason you have the chance to be in the top ten right now is because a lot of people got nervous before the last assessment, which was a combined “gun safety and use of firearms in the various branches” written test, with a practical target shooting exam. You aren’t someone who gets nerves over things like tests, since you never really consistently attended school, so you did just fine. But your position in the current rankings is all luck, and the point of today is literally to find out who is actually any good with the maneuver gear in action. How do they know you’ll be able to fulfill this role and help bring the team to victory?

“I…” you glance around. Eren and Mina look excited and are tense with anticipation, clearly waiting for you to agree. Inha looks like she’s waiting for you to give in and say you’d rather not. Stefan just seems to be eyeing your figure, which you’re disturbed enough by to think that maybe being separate from the group is a good idea. “Okay, that’s fine. As long as you guys aren’t going to be upset with me if we lose.”

“Of course not!” Mina exclaims, grabbing your hand. “And don’t worry at all, Y/N. We have a great team here! We can definitely win, even if this does seem kind of ambitious for our first day...!”

“Cadets! Prepare to take off!” Shadis shouts from the podium.

You take a deep breath, trying to keep your hands from shaking as the five of you spread out into a line. Eren leans close to you as Shadis starts a countdown from ten.

“You got this, Y/N. Just follow your instincts.”

You glance over at him, but he’s already leaned back, eyes set sharply on the forest. 

“Three… two… one!”

The five of you fire off into the forest, all of you landing on a few trees in the same area. 

“Y/N! You go ahead! Be careful and whistle when you find a good path, we’ll follow from a safe distance!” Eren calls to you, pointing deeper in the trees.  
You nod sharply, an intense focus suddenly coming over you. “Right. Everyone be careful. Nobody here has the experience to save someone if you fall.”

With that, you turn and fire your wires into a tree in the distance, flying through the air with a speed you’ve never felt. 

The air whips across your skin, the sunlight shining in spots through the leaves overhead- your heart feels light as you dart through the trees with no trouble, feeling like this is the most natural thing you could possibly experience.  
You latch on to tree after tree, the adrenaline from finally being able to do what you had been waiting for since the first day completely exhilarating. This is life. This is living.

A ring of laughter escapes your lips as you stumble onto a branch in a less than perfect landing. You press your palms against the bark of the tree, leaning your forehead on it momentarily.   
_This is what freedom truly feels like._

“Jean! Is that someone from another team up there?” 

A voice calling out from below you snaps you out of your reverie, and you quickly look around, eyes focusing on any fast movement. You easily spot Jean Kirschtein’s team, who left directly before you. If you’d already caught up to them, they had to have been going slow enough for the team to pass, right?

You don’t stick around to hear Jean’s response- you’d already seen that they were flying low to the ground, and what direction they were going.

With a deep breath of crisp air, you turn and fire your wires 45 degrees to the left from where you’d seen Jean’s team.   
Shit, you think, the whistle! You land on another branch and whistle an easily recognizable tune in the direction of your team. You wait a moment- you and Eren hadn’t established that he would whistle back to let you know that he heard it, but you hope he does. Otherwise, you’ll just be leaving your team behind. 

The same melody rings back from a fair distance away, and you catch the sound of gas pressure hissing out as well.

With a satisfied smile, you continue flying through the trees, staying at a high altitude so that you can see Jean’s team, and direct your own on a path that will cut in front of them as long as everyone stays high enough in the air. 

Even though you know teamwork, your role, and the day’s mission is important, it all stays in the back of your mind as you soar through the trees, weaving in and around branches and trunks like you were born to.  
Only one thought stays present consistently:  
 _This is what freedom truly feels like._

 

“What the hell!”

“Watch your language, Kirschtein!” Shadis bellows, as Jean Kirschtein’s team all touch down on the dirt. “Good job on meeting your goal. Your time was 30 minutes 41 seconds.”  
“Haha, yes!” Sasha high fives Connie. “We definitely beat his team!”

You crack a smile from your spot beside Eren. Your group had indeed managed to pass Jean’s, but not the group before them. You couldn’t be bothered to ask around if anyone knew what Mikasa’s time was, though. So far, you sat at second place if her team was faster than 27 minutes 33 seconds- but more important to you was the pure joy you had felt in the air. You’d only landed a couple of minutes ago, but you already wanted to go back out and burn gas just flying around. It was everything you ever imagined in your childhood, and more.

“Goddamnit,” you hear Jean mutter as he leads his team past you, shooting Eren a dirty look. 

“That concludes the training exercise.” Shadis stands tall, looking almost... proud, as he addresses the group of all ten teams. “All of you did well today. Nobody left a teammate behind- and for that, I congratulate all of you.” he begins walking along the front line of cadets, surveying. “Once again, this was a learning experience for all of you to use teamwork in conjunction with understanding your omni-directional maneuver gear. It will not affect your class ranking.” he pauses in the center once again. “With that said, the top three teams are as follows: In third place, Sasha Braus’s team, with a time of 29 minutes, 11 seconds.”

Sasha’s team cheers in pride, but you notice that she looks extremely dejected. You chuckle behind your hand- of course she was hoping to win for first pick at dinner tonight. 

“In second place,” you feel Eren brace himself slightly, his fists clenching. Mina, on your other side, is on her toes with anticipation. Will it be your team, or Mikasa’s? 

“Eren Jaeger’s team, with a time of 27 minutes, 33 seconds.” 

Eren and Mina both deflate instantly as Shadis quickly calls Mikasa’s name and announces their time: 26 minutes, 51 seconds.

“The winning team gets the privilege of going in for dinner five minutes early. If you forget, it’s your fault. All trainees, dismissed!”

Eren heaves a deep sigh as soon as Shadis dismisses you, turning to face you and Mina with a forlorn expression. “I can’t believe we didn’t win. I thought we were doing really well, too.”  
“Hey, they didn’t even beat us by a whole minute!” Mina tries to cheer him up, but you can see on her face that she’s disappointed too.   
“We did just fine,” Inha, who had been hanging around you all for the announcement of the winners, throws a hand up casually. “Good job guys. I’m going to get lunch.” You nod as your goodbye as she turns and walks away.  
“Y/N did, at least,” Stefan stalks up from a few feet away, shamelessly eyeing you once again. You frown, subconsciously shifting a little closer to Eren. “If she’d been by herself, she would’ve destroyed everyone else’s time. You’re a little talented, huh?” he smirks at you.  
You look down, feeling ridiculously uncomfortable. “Well, Mikasa or Jean would probably beat me if we were alone…”  
“Nah,” Stefan steps closer, his hand slowly reaching up behind your ear in the direction of your hair. A sole finger wraps around a strand of your hair. “Have a little more confidence, Y/N-”

You grab his wrist with your left hand and in one swift kick behind his ankle, use his own weight and your other hand gripping his shirt to throw him roughly to the ground, keeping your hold on his wrist.

“Don’t touch me,” you growl, bending back his wrist until his face scrunches up and he starts yelping.  
“Let go of me, what the fuck! I was just trying to pay you a compliment, crazy bitch-”

“Y/N!”  
You glance over your left shoulder and see Mina, her eyes wide. You look to your other side and find Eren- but his expression is different. His eyes are dark, brows drawn together as he stares at Stefan on the ground.  
“You piece of scum,” Eren mutters, taking a dangerous step forward.

“And what the hell is going on here?”

One of the other instructors who isn’t Shadis strolls up, features pulled together in anger. “Weren’t you two on the same team? Cadet, this isn’t hand-to-hand combat practice!”

You quickly let go of Stefan, taking a few quick steps back as you register what you just did, your heart beating insanely fast. You look between Stefan on the ground, Mina’s shocked face, the instructor’s expectant look- suddenly feeling dizzy and overwhelmed.

“I’m sorry, I don’t-”  
“The crazy bitch threw me on the ground for no reason!” Stefan scrambles up, pointing an accusing finger at you. “All I did was tell her to have some confidence, and-”  
“You tried grabbing her, you creep!” Eren shouts, getting up in Stefan’s face.   
“Hey, hey, let’s calm it down,” the instructor puts a hand on both boys’ shoulders. The sounds of their voices start turning into low fuzzes as your vision starts swimming. 

_“Someone help! Please!” you scream, clawing at the man’s hands just behind your ear and on your thigh. “Please-!”_   
_“Shut up!” he smacks you, leaving you wide-eyed in fear. “Stupid slut, nobody’s coming to help you!”_   
_“Aw come on, Johan, didn’t the guy say he wanted a virgin?”_   
_The man with his grip tight on your skin grits his teeth. “Fuck,” he spits, not letting go of you. “Do you think he’d notice if I break her in?”_   
_“Of course he will, asshole,” you think you can see the other man roll his eyes, but your vision is starting to darken. “You can always tell when the girl’s a virgin or not.”_   
_“Damnit.”_   
_You’re thrown to the ground in a pile of ratty clothes and tangled hair, tears streaming down your dirty cheeks as your press your hands against the wood floor. You stare at the grain of the wood, eyes wide, until you look up and see it. It only takes a moment before you decide what you’re going to do. No one knows your name, anyway._

“Y/N! Are you okay?” you snap back into reality, panting harshly.  
“No, no- I’m, Mina, I need some water, I-”  
“Oh, how cute, she’s freaking out now that she knows she fucked up!”  
“Shut up, asshole!”   
“The two of you knock it off or you’re getting put on gear maintenance for the next month!” 

Mina presses the opening of her water flash to your lips, helping you swallow it down.

“My walls, Y/N, it looked like you blacked out for a second. Do you want to go to the infirmary?”

“Cadet L/N?”  
You look away from Mina’s pretty face to the instructor’s instead. His hands are full keeping Eren and Stefan from going for each others’ throats. “Can you explain why you threw your teammate on the ground?”  
“...He tried to touch me,” you say quietly, eyes fluttering to the ground. “I acknowledge that my reaction was exaggerated.”  
“Good, as long as you see your error,” the instructor says. “You girls go off to lunch. Jaeger, Hubrich, fight each other and I’ll make good on the promise of gear maintenance!”

“Come on, Y/N,” Mina says, gently taking your hand and leading you away. “You’ll feel better once you eat something.”

 

The next day after your lesson on the gas propellant and blades used in the 3DMG, you walk out as silent as you had been since Mina walked you away from Stefan. You can’t believe you actually did that to him. And you can’t believe that memory had come over you so forcefully that you nearly passed out from some kind of panic attack. What was more embarrassing was that two comrades you like, _and_ an instructor witnessed it- the very same instructor that told you when you landed that you really do have potential on the maneuver gear.

A hand lands on your shoulder as you start down the path to the girls’ dorm, where you’re planning to change into your casual outfit before lunch, since the rest of the day is free.

You jump, whipping around and pushing the hand off you, only to find Eren with his hands up, eyes wide.

“Shit, Y/N, I’m sorry! I was trying to get your attention for a while but it seemed like you weren’t paying attention… shit, I shouldn’t have grabbed you though…”

You just stare at him for a moment, amazed that he would be so troubled by your reaction to his hand just touching you for barely one second. 

“Ah, I’m such an idiot,” Eren smacks his forehead. “I’ll just leave you alone.”  
“Wait,” you say, and Eren stops in his tracks before he can fully turn around. “I was just startled, don’t worry.”  
Eren gives you a concerned look. “I just- well, since yesterday… um,” you wait for him to explain, unable to find the energy to prompt him. “Well, I just don’t want to scare you.” he finishes quietly, looking down.

You look around to see if anyone is in the area, but all your classmates have cleared out. 

“...It’s not your fault, Eren.” you sigh. “I’m just… I’m-” you cut yourself off, shaking your head. “Nevermind. Thanks for trying to defend me yesterday.”  
His expression remains uneasy. “No, that’s, that’s what someone should do in that situation! I mean, he went for your hair like a freaking weirdo! Who does that?” Eren groans, huffing. “I wish I would have done more, actually.”  
You tilt your head. “But you would have gotten into trouble if you did that.”  
“So what?” Eren scoffs, kicking the dirt. “Jerks like that don’t belong here. Clearly he didn’t learn anything from you throwing his ass on the ground, but maybe if I had too...”  
You sigh, looking off into the distance, that same memory replaying in the back of your mind. “It wasn’t a big deal. I just had a bad reaction.”

You’d expected Eren to exclaim that that isn’t true, or say something or other about his civil duty to help you as a comrade, but instead he was unusually silent. 

“Y/N,” he says suddenly. You glance up, meeting his eyes, and are surprised by the intensity of them. “You… have you…” he pauses, teeth latching onto his bottom lip. “Actually, nevermind.”  
For a moment, you consider asking him what he was going to ask you- but you figure that if he decided against it, you might as well respect that.

You take a step back, composing yourself with a deep breath, refusing to look directly at Eren. “Just forget that I ever reacted like that to Stefan. That would be the best thing you can do for me, if you care.”

“I…” Eren sounds shocked, like that wasn’t what he was hoping to hear. “You want me to pretend like that creep never freaked you out?”  
You let out a shuddering breath. “Yeah. It’s better if things like this don’t get out.” With that, you swiftly turn and walk quickly away, hoping that Eren Jaeger leaves you alone for long enough that you can recover.


	4. four - the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is reader really from wall sina? is jean still an asshole? is eren still kinda a cutie? here we go, yall. this is kind of two chapters in one because i thought it would be too short to leave it off like 1k words in lol

**YEAR 848**

_Y/N,_  
 _I’m sorry to have to leave you like this. I’m sorry we couldn’t tell you why we’re leaving you. I’m sorry that it was on such short notice. I’m so sorry._  
 _I hope your life will be okay from here on out. I know your childhood hasn’t been great. I wish we could have been better for you._  
 _You know us, right? Will you be able to recognize us in ten years, if we’re still around? I know I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you won’t find out until we’re long gone anyway._   
_If you ever make it above ground, find your way to the Survey Corps. We’ll all be waiting for you there._  
 _Love,_  
 _Isabel_

You clutch the note tightly between your fingers, the tears you used to shed when reading it dried up. 

Seven long years since you’d last seen the makeshift parents who took care of you, and now you were a year closer to seeing them again. It was surprising, that so much time as a cadet had already passed, but in another way, it wasn’t at all. Your days were uniform. You were always around the same people, and you all had a set goal in mind. You didn’t bother with distractions like dating, and as such, the days went by as regularly as they had ever.

By this point, you were starting to get used to the rising and setting of the sun each day. It was still beautiful to you- the way the golden rays would stream through the window and light up the room without any need for artificial lights. And dusk. Dusk is unexplainable for someone who had never seen it before. It still surprises you, sometimes, watching the air take on the crisp quality and cool colors while the sun spills its last heat of the day on the horizon. 

“Hey, are you coming?” Sasha calls, breaking you out of your thoughts. Today is your one year benchmark training assessment. It’s the first time where your class rankings truly matter.   
Not that they matter much to you, anyway. You’ve known you have no need for the military police since the beginning. 

“Yeah,” you tuck the note into your jacket pocket and stand from where you’d been kneeling beside your chest. “Did Mikasa and Annie leave already?”  
Sasha nods, grabbing your hand and dragging you along with a bounce in her step. You struggle to reach back and close the door to your room before you make it too far down the hallway. “Mikasa had to catch up with Eren and Armin, obviously, and Annie somehow woke up at a normal time today!”  
“Right,” you mumble as you two make it outside. “What’s for breakfast today?”  
Sasha stops abruptly on the last stair down the dorm porch, and takes a deep sniff of the air. “Porridge.... And… eggs!” She turns to you, eyes suddenly wide and wild. “Come on, Y/N, we can’t miss out on the eggs!”  
“Sasha!” you desperately call as she starts sprinting, still with your hand in hers in a death grip. “...They would have made enough for all of us!”

 

You do end up making it in time to grab an admittedly pitiful scoop of scrambled eggs- but it’s better than nothing. In fact, it’s probably only the third or fourth time you’ve ever eaten an egg, and you can’t help smiling in satisfaction at each tiny bite you take of them.

“Y/N! What place do you expect you’ll be at after this?” Connie’s bright and scratchy voice calls from across the table.   
You tilt your head. “I’m not sure. What was I at last month again?”  
Jean scoffs- somehow he and Marco have ended up sitting next to Connie, and by association, you and Sasha, the past few weeks. Something Marco said about ‘creating a better environment for teamwork outside of training’. “Leave it to her to pretend like she doesn’t pay attention to her rank.”  
You sigh, ignoring him, as Connie rolls his eyes. “Come on, Jean, you’re just mad because Y/N came ahead of you last time on the individual maneuver test!”   
Jean flushes, slamming his hands on the table. “That’s-” he sputters, pointing a finger at Connie. “That has nothing to do with this!”  
“You were 14th last month, Y/N,” Marco says with a smile after putting down his water.   
“See, asshole, I’m ahead of her anyway,” Jean hisses at Connie, who rolls his eyes once again.

The initial question directed towards you forgotten by now, you finish the eggs in peace and drink down the rest of your water. The feeling of someone watching you from your right makes you look over, and sure enough, Sasha is staring you down with drool dripping from her lip.

“Fine,” you grumble, sliding the remainder of your porridge over to her. It wasn’t even good.  
“You’re the best, Y/N!” she tells you, mouth already stuffed.  
“That’s not such a good idea, Y/N,” Marco frowns at you. “You need to eat to have energy later for the exam.”

You decide to keep it to yourself that you’re able to function just fine with way less food than they feed you here, because of growing up on one meal a day, and just nod politely at him.

“Thanks, Marco, but I’m okay. Sasha’s stomach never ends, so…”  
She wails, already done with your share of the porridge. “Why do you have to make me look bad?”  
Hiding a chuckle behind your hand, you ruffle the top of her head, her hair not yet tied up in it’s signature ponytail. These are the kind of moments when you’re almost thankful for what happened to you. At least now, you can laugh again.

 

You land on the ground smoothly, but stumble right away as you try to take your first step, a wide grin still plastered across your face.

Nothing else is better than your 3DMG tests. 

“Nice work, Cadet L/N.” Shadis says, though his face remains stoic as he stands tall in front of you.   
“Thank you, sir!” you salute him briefly, then tuck your blades back into their scabbards, and walk away to the small table set up with water for the cadets who have crossed the forest already.

The goal was to “kill” as many “titans” as possible within a ten minute timeframe, and then immediately get out of the forest as fast as possible. It’s a good thing that they evaluate based off of current standings- so that only the current top twenty were going today. Otherwise, with that kind of mission, you’re sure there would have been a lot of injuries. 

“Hey! Y/N! You made it out!” Eren calls, standing by Mikasa, who went first. You wave, and start to walk over after taking a drink.  
“Hi,” you say, still a little breathless. “That was fun.”  
Eren chuckles. “You always look the happiest after we get to fly around for a while.”  
You nod, your smile slowly fading to your regular, less emotive expression. “How do you feel like you did?”  
“I think I did okay,” Eren shrugs. “I need to work on being able to spot the titans, though. I probably flew straight past half of them.”  
“There were twenty,” Mikasa says, looking bored. “I got them all.”  
You laugh in astonishment. “And she strikes again!” 

She gives you a small smile in response, seemingly recognizing that her skill level really is a great achievement.  
“Yeah, of course Mikasa will come first,” Eren says, looking ready to move on. “The real question is the nine spots after that.”  
“You’re talking like this is the last evaluation.” you glance around- Eren was the one to go before you, so there should only be five more people arriving. Then, in three days once everyone has done the exam, the new standings will be put up before your one week summer break.   
“To a lot of people, this one matters a lot,” Eren gestures to Jean and Marco, who are sitting down on the grass. “Like those two.”  
“Especially Jean,” you comment, noticing how said boy looks more anxious than relieved to have finished the exam.   
“It must matter to you, too, huh Y/N?” Eren stretches his arms behind his head, eyeing you carefully. “Don’t you want to join the military police?”

Right. He wasn’t there that day when Jean outed you for having signed up to be a cadet in Wall Sina.

You keep your expression blank. “I’ll decide what branch I want to go to on the day we graduate.”  
No point in confirming or denying anything about where you’ll go once this is over. You don’t really want to be called suicidal like Eren, or a selfish bastard like Jean. 

Eren narrows his eyes, and opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but is quickly interrupted.

“Y/N!” 

_Oof!_

You stumble, huffing out practically all the air in your lungs as you get jumped from behind by a very familiar form. You instantly hear Mikasa snicker as Sasha snuggles her face into your back while you struggle to sustain her weight.

“Did you see me out there? I’m totally gonna beat you this time!”   
“Uh-huh,” you wheeze, squeezing your eyes shut in concentration. “Can you please get off of me?”   
With a quick exclamation of “sure!”, Sasha slides right off your back and grabs your hands instead. “Come on, let’s go tell Connie, too! He’s gonna be excited that all three of us did good!”

_But you didn’t even ask me how I did,_ you think, but just laugh as she drags you away from Eren and Mikasa. You look over your shoulder, seeing the two siblings watching you with amusement in their eyes. 

 

“Looks like almost everyone is staying here during our break,” Connie comments, looking around at the mess hall.   
“Jean went home,” Marco says. “He said his mom would kill him if he didn’t.”  
“Say, Marco, why’d you stay? You have a good relationship with your parents, and Jinae’s not too far from here, right?”  
Marco rubs his arm, chuckling awkwardly. “Uh, yeah… I just felt bad leaving when most of my friends had to stay here.”  
“Geez,” Connie gives him a sour look. “Talk about selfless, get a load of this guy!”

“Phew!” Sasha sits back, a pleasant smile on her face. “That was good! Thanks for the bread, Y/N!”  
You wave it off. “No problem. I was full anyway.”  
“You really don’t have much of an appetite, huh Y/N?” Marco asks, leaning his chin on the palm of his hand.   
“I guess not.”

“So are you guys happy with your rankings?” Connie smirks. “I know I am.”

Connie had gone from ninth to seventh, as far as you observed. He’s always been one of the people that’s concerned as soon as their ranking falls out of the top ten- much like Jean. 

“Yeah, I finally made it to tenth place, you know I’m pumped!” Sasha throws her arms around your neck. “And it’s all thanks to Y/N giving me her porridge that morning, I just know it!”  
Marco gives you a sympathetic look. “Yeah, Y/N, you doing okay? It’s not easy being at number eleven…”  
You shrug. “I’m fine with that. It doesn’t matter up until the last one to me.”  
“Geez, only confident people think like that…” Connie glances away, chewing on his lip. “Kinda scary.”  
“Eren seems kind of beat up over his score,” Marco looks over to your right, at the table where Eren, Mikasa, and Armin are all eating in relative quiet. “He really wanted to be in the top ten this time.”  
“I don’t get why, though,” Sasha hums, looking more serious than usual. “He doesn’t even want to join the military police, so why does he care about being in the top ten?”  
“It’s still something to be proud of,” you offer, watching Eren take a bite of his bread roll with little enthusiasm.  
“Who cares about pride these days? Not like his parents are around to hear about it-”  
Marco smacks Connie’s arm. “Hey! That’s insensitive, Connie!”  
“Anyway, the top four stayed the same like it always does,” Sasha sighs, slumping over on the table. “Mikasa, Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie. They just can’t be beat.”

Mikasa, as always, looks like she couldn’t care less about the ranking, or being first as she has been since the very first time your standings were posted. Next to her is Armin, who was at a teetering twenty-ninth place before, and improved his score by rising to twenty-fourth. You wonder if it’s hard for him, knowing he’s so far behind his two friends. Even though, you guess he’s only twelve people after Eren...

“Y/N, if you can get your grades up in class, you could probably make it to fifth or sixth place, you know,” Marco says, forcing you to look away from the most famous trio of the 104th. “You’re only second to Mikasa on the 3DMG.”  
You shake your head. “And to Jean. And sometimes to Annie and Reiner, too.”  
“Still, though, if you wait too long to improve, it might be too late to get into the top ten.”  
“I told you,” you say, expression blank as it becomes whenever the topic of post-graduation comes up. “It doesn’t matter to me.”

The three of them all give you a strange look, but you just look down into your cup of water, watching your facial features blur in the cloudy mirror. 

 

**YEAR 849**

 

“F/N L/N! Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

You freeze. _Goddamnit. Looks like two years of not getting caught is way too long… you must have used up all your luck on that written test yesterday._

You turn around and salute Shadis. “Sir!”  
He scowls, staring down at you with such an intense… intenseness, that you almost quiver a little bit. You’re not usually one to be scared of Shadis, but you actually are doing something against the rules right now, so you feel like in this moment you have the right to be nearly shaking.

“I asked you a damn question, recruit.” he narrows his eyes. “Were you trying to ditch combat training, Cadet L/N?”  
You scramble mentally, trying to think of an excuse. “No, sir! I was…” you trail off momentarily, not able to come up with something that makes sense. Oh well, maybe you should just accept the punishment, whatever it will be…

“Hey, Y/N!” in shock, you watch Eren Jaeger run up behind Shadis to stand at your side. He quickly salutes Shadis with a “sir!” and then turns to face you again. “Sorry I was acting like that earlier, I didn’t think you’d actually run off.” he chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck.

_...What? We weren’t sparring together, I wasn’t sparring at all! I was definitely ditching like I always do-_

It hits you, and suddenly you feel like a complete idiot.

You laugh, looking between Eren and Shadis nervously. “Oh, no, I’m sorry too, Eren. I was blowing it out of proportion anyway, it’s not my business if you want to pour the milk before the oats…”  
Eren looks at you, wide-eyed, and you can practically see him holding in his laughter at the reason for your “fight” that you’d just come up with. Obviously, you had to say something out loud so that Shadis couldn’t ask you to tell him at the same time what the argument was about. You’ve seen people pull this exact thing on him before. 

“Right, well, you know I’m pretty opinionated, so…” Eren nods, looking at the ground away from Shadis, clenching his teeth together to hold it in. 

Shadis stares at the both of you skeptically, but eventually just squints and points back to the dirt lot you all practice hand-to-hand combat in. “Go back to practice, cadets.”

“Yes, sir!” you and Eren both shout, and Shadis walks away, shaking his head.

Once he’s out of earshot, you relax, and look over at Eren-  
And immediately start laughing.

“What the hell? Who fights about oats and milk? We don’t even drink milk these days!” Eren points an accusing finger at you while clutching his stomach.   
You have to catch your breath before you can respond, gasping for air. “I… I don’t know… what came over me!” 

The two of you take a minute to recover before you can stand up fully without breaking out into laughter again.

“Well. You finally got caught.” Eren smirks, looking proud. “I’ve been waiting for this day. Two years into training- honestly, that’s impressive.”  
You look daggers at him. “You were waiting for me to get caught? What kind of sadist…”  
“Huh!?” Eren jumps in shock, his jaw dropping open. “Do you even know what that word means? I’m not a sadist! What the hell!”   
You giggle behind your hand. “Sorry. I thought your reaction would be funny.”   
Eren relaxes, though he still eyes you with hesitation. “Whatever. Let’s go back and actually spar together. I know you ditch every time that Sasha partners up with someone else. Why is that?”

In the last year, you and Eren have gotten closer. You always were on good terms, since like he said, you were one of Mikasa’s only close friends.   
But about six months back was where your friendship really bloomed. Mikasa caught some kind of flu that was going around the cadets, and you happened to go into the medic center to visit her when Eren ended up already being there, looking painfully bored. She was sleeping, so you just sat down and told Eren if he wanted to leave, he could. Instead, he just started talking to you and asking you about your friendship with Mikasa. When you told him, very very nervously, that she had explained to you about just how she came to live with his family, he was more impressed than surprised. Armin was the only other person they’d ever told.

From then on, you were invited to sit with the trio at meals if you ever wanted to, and Eren slowly started talking to you more, including you in the conversations that him, Mikasa, and Armin would have about the outside of the walls. You didn’t care to hear much about that topic, but when he told you about the ocean…  
It was hard to not want to think about that idea. An endless body of water? Way deeper than the rivers inside the walls? Dark blue, and full of fish that nobody has ever seen before?   
You were amazed. So you stuck around. And slowly but surely, you felt like Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, started to trust you more than anyone else in the cadet corps.

“Uh…” you bite your lip. The truth is, that no matter how close you’ve gotten with Eren or Mikasa, you haven’t even told Sasha, who you consider your closest friend here, about where you’re truly from. About how you grew up. “She doesn’t care if we slack off, so.”

Eren looks at you incredulously. “I don’t get that. Both of you are really good at everything else, so why don’t you try at this?”  
You shrug. “It doesn’t matter in the end. This isn’t part of what we get graded on.” you look around at all the pairs of your comrades fighting each other. “Anyway, isn’t it kind of weird that we’re training to fight humans?”  
Eren is quiet for a moment, so you look back at him. His brows draw together. “That’s because that’s all the military police do. Fight humans.”  
“I guess you’re right.”

“Well then,” Eren brushes his hair back from his forehead, (it slips back down immediately, but it’s not like you were paying attention to that) and puts himself into a fighting stance. “Let’s get started!”

You don’t move, and just stare at him blankly. “What are you doing?”

“Huh?” Eren doesn’t break stance, but his face pulls into an expression of confusion. “What do you mean? We’re gonna spar against each other!”  
You shake your head. “I don’t want to fight you, Eren.”

At this, he stands fully, abandoning the beginning stance to glare at you. “Why not? That’s the point of this whole thing. If you keep ditching or avoiding actual combat practice, you’re not going to be prepared if you ever get put in a bad situation.”

A sad half-smile pulls at your lips as you look to the side at him. “Don’t you remember that day, Eren?”

_“Have a little more confidence, Y/N-”_   
_“Don’t touch me.”_   
_“The crazy bitch threw me on the ground for no reason!”_

Eren’s mouth falls open, and you can see him going through the memory in his head. Your quick reaction- the way you had savagely thrown your teammate into the dirt and nearly broken his wrist once he was down. 

“I…” you almost say it. _I grew up learning how to fight._ “...I’m kind of impulsive. I don’t want to hurt you like I hurt Stefan that day.”  
“Impulsive?” Eren scoffs. “He had it coming, that day! I think you knew exactly what you were doing, too. Are you really going to try and act like that was some kind of instinctual thing?”  
Frowning, you look away, finding Mikasa looking concerned as she kneels beside Marco, who’s ass she had probably just totally kicked. Only she could connect the words skill and instinct. “Who said anything about acting?”  
“Just spar with me, Y/N.” Eren sighs. “Just this once. I won’t make you do it again, but if Shadis sees us slacking after you just got caught trying to ditch, it’s gonna look really bad.”  
“Speaking of that, who was your partner before?” you tilt your head, trying to avoid the first part of his statement. “You came and saved me from some kind of punishment and ditched your partner in the process.”  
“Reiner. But that’s not important. What’s important is-”  
“Fine.” you snap, tired of hearing him try to convince you. Surprised, Eren steps back as you stand in front of him, eyes darkening.   
“Are you not going to get into the starting pose?”  
“Do you think that’s what real fights are like?” you narrow your eyes, head tilting dangerously. “Didn’t you tell me you got beat up as a kid? Did they tell you to get set beforehand?”

He flushes in anger, eyes narrowing to match yours. “If that’s how it’s going to be, then fine!”

Eren charges you, his right hand coming up towards your face. You settle your weight onto your right foot and quickly block his fist with your left forearm, throwing your own punch and narrowly missing the side of his head. He grunts, and pushes forward, grabbing your right shoulder and twisting the two of you around to try and get some momentum. You push on his other shoulder, and as his feet settle back into the ground, you lean forward on your left leg, bending it as you quickly bring your right knee back and then into his stomach, with slightly less force than you would if he was really an enemy.   
Clearly, Eren wasn’t expecting that, so he crumples easily, a wheeze of breath escaping his lips. He tries to adjust his footing, but you push down on his shoulder with a snarl, using of all your weight to force him onto his knees. He falls unceremoniously, somehow dragging you down with him so that you’re off your balance, kneeling with only one foot solidly on the ground.   
Eren takes the opportunity and uses his bigger frame to shove you over until your back is in the dirt, his face hovering above yours, one hand landing on your shoulder to keep you down. The position is one of the scariest when you’re the smaller one and on the ground, but you’ve been here before.  
You draw up your left elbow and nail him at the bottom of his throat, which definitely shocks him and probably hurts him enough that he rolls off of you, one hand clutching at his neck as he chokes on his saliva a little. You scramble to your feet, taking a few steps back as Eren takes a second to gather himself before sitting up, looking up at you with wide eyes.

“Sorry, I know that was a dirty move,” you admit, not looking him in the eyes. “It’s all I know.”  
You’re expecting Eren to be pissed that you just elbowed him in the throat, but instead after a moment of just staring up at you, he lets out a cry of victory. “Yes! I knew someone taught you how to fight!”  
Surprised, you look back, brows furrowed. “What?”   
“Give me a hand up, will you?” Eren asks, extending an arm. You eye it suspiciously, and he rolls his eyes. “Okay, match over. I’m not trying to trick you.”  
Satisfied, you walk closer and wrap your hand around his forearm, pulling him up with shared effort. 

“Who taught you?” he asks, clearly excited that he was right. Not that you ever denied that, you just never really explicitly said it.   
“Um,” you pause. Tell the truth? Or do your best to keep pretending that you just have good instincts.  
No. You’re not Mikasa. If you hadn’t learned from such a young age, you would have absolutely no skill in defending yourself.

“A friend.”

“Cool,” Eren nods, not bothering to hide the smile on his face. “Wanna go again? It’s fun now that I know you can beat me.”  
You sigh. “Alright.” you might as well, now. People saw you sparring with Eren. It’s not a secret anymore.   
One less thing you have to keep to yourself.

 

“So, you’re finally sparring now, huh L/N?”

You sigh, setting your spoon in the near empty bowl of soup in front of you. Across from you at the dinner table is Jean Kirschtein, his signature smirk and haughty drawl invading your space. “I’m starting to think you’re obsessed with me, Kirschtein. You never leave me alone.”  
He gapes, pulling back as Connie and Sasha start laughing, even Marco chuckling good-naturedly. 

“That- what are you thinking? That I’m interested in you?”   
You smile down at your soup, picking up the spoon and taking a sip. You’ve already won this round. “I don’t know, are you?”  
Jean sneers, turning his chin up at you. “Forget it, Y/N. I’d never be interested in someone like you.”  
You glance around, making sure nobody in earshot is paying attention to your conversation. When it’s all in the clear, you lean close to Jean. “Really? But I thought you wanted a way into Wall Sina.”

He freezes, eyes narrowing on your face as you lean away, a satisfied smile on your lips. Connie, Marco, and Sasha are shocked, but Connie quickly starts snickering.

“Yeah, Jean, if you don’t make it into the top ten, just marry her!”  
“Hey, keep it down,” Marco shushes him. “She said she doesn’t want that getting spread around.”  
You expected Sasha to be laughing too, but instead, she just solemnly watches you out of her peripherals, eating much slower than usual. 

“Hey,” you poke her, ignoring Jean who has now retreated to Marco’s other side farther down the table. “You okay?”  
“Hm?” she avoids your eyes, now picking furiously at her bread roll. “I’m fine.”  
You shrug and go back to your soup.

 

You open the door to your room with one hand, the other holding the towel on your head in place. Stepping inside, you quickly close the door behind you so as not to let any of the cool air out. 

Sasha is on the floor on her back, staring at the ceiling. Mikasa is on her bed, reading a book. Annie is nowhere to be seen, which is all too frequent these days. You, Mikasa, and Sasha had had a conversation about whether or not you should report her for sneaking out so often, but the general consensus was that you just didn’t care enough to go through the effort.  
Plus, Annie is scary. And you don’t want to be on her bad side. 

“Hi,” you say, strolling over and plopping yourself down on Mikasa’s bed. You run the towel over your hair, trying to dry it off. “The water was warm today.”  
Sasha hmms, which is an unusual reaction from her. She would typically jump up in excitement and run to the baths to take advantage of the event before curfew gets called.

You frown. “Sasha.”  
She just hums again, still staring at the ceiling.   
“Mikasa,” you say instead, and the girl on the other end of the bed puts her book down, looking at you expectantly. “Is she acting weird or is it just me?” you nod your head towards Sasha.  
“She’s been quiet today,” Mikasa agrees, folding her page in the book.   
“Sasha,” you try again, but your friend is unresponsive. You sigh, looking over at Mikasa, asking her what you should do with your eyes. Her eye-response is blank, but she does shrug. 

Suddenly, Sasha stands and shuts the window, turning around and leaning against it.

“It’s going to get hot in here if you do that,” Mikasa says, but Sasha doesn’t care to respond. Instead, she looks straight at you.

“Are you really from Wall Sina, Y/N?”

Mikasa immediately turns to you, a shocked expression lining every part of her face. 

Your mouth falls open, staring at Sasha. “Why… why would you bring that up?”  
She sighs aggressively, tugging at her hair. “Because I-” she shakes her head. “No. When Jean brought it up the first time, I understood your reaction, because you could really suffer if people found out about that.”

“Hold on, what is going on?” Mikasa cuts in, her hand landing on your shoulder. “When did this happen?”  
“Our second day here, after Eren failed the balance test,” Sasha fills her in, and Mikasa only looks more surprised. “Jean asked Y/N where she’s from, because he apparently saw that she enlisted in Wall Sina.”  
“What?” Mikasa’s eyes are wide, but you don’t look straight at her, staring instead at your hands folded in your lap.

“Then, today, when you brought it up to make fun of Jean…” Sasha shakes her head again. “Someone who was really afraid of people finding that out would never do that. It seemed like you were barely worried, as long as it got Jean off your back. Plus, I know he calls you ‘Sina girl’ whenever you two end up doing chores together. It just doesn’t make sense to me! Are you really from there? Why are you joining the military if you are?”

You’re silent. You’d wanted to keep this to yourself for as long as possible. Can you trust them? 

It hurts you sometimes. You’ve seen the looks on Sasha and Connie’s faces when you shut up as soon as they ask you about your childhood. They must’ve thought you were some rich-kid who ran away, always seeming uncomfortable, and acting like they knew you couldn’t relate to some of their problems. Marco, too, who always looked at you pushing away your food to Sasha with the slightest look of annoyance. Like he thought it must not be to your standards.

On the other hand, people like Christa, who never asked you a thing about your past, and you never asked her. Ymir, too. Those two were silent about their time before joining the cadet ranks, and that was why you often felt comfortable sitting and eating with them: for the guarantee that you could relax.

Then there’s Mikasa, Eren, and Armin. They’d only asked you once; Armin had been talking about the ‘geography’ book he has in his and Eren’s room. Out of nowhere, Eren asked you if your parents ever talked about the walls- how you were raised to think about them and the outside world, essentially. You hadn’t known how to answer. Which parents? Your real ones? The first pair who took you in? The group of three? Or the ladies at the orphanage? The confusion that had crossed Eren’s face when you failed to reply was frustrating. But you couldn’t risk telling anyone.

It seems, though, that now you have to.  
After all, even though you had pushed away your friends, keeping them from asking or talking about your past, they had willingly told you theirs. Sasha- how her dad sent her here to make sure she got to eat a meal every day. Marco, who desperately wants to serve the king. Eren and Mikasa. Eren’s mom had been eaten by a titan. Mikasa’s parents were both killed. They told you those things.  
Wasn’t it only fair to trust them now?

“Y/N, please,” Sasha’s voice brings you out of your thoughts.  
You steel yourself, looking up at her.

“No,” you say, gritting your teeth. “I’m not from inside Wall Sina.”

You pause, taking a deep breath, and releasing it in a long, tired exhale.

“I’m from underneath it.”


	5. five - antics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> training antics? teenage antics?  
> this is kind of a cute chapter because we all know what 14/15 year olds are like ;)

“Come on, Y/N! Kick his ass!”

Your chest heaves in and out as you pant, sweat dripping down the side of your temple. You take a step back from your opponent, the rings of both cheers and the opposite sounding faint in your ears.

Today, the exact three year anniversary of your first day of training, Shadis had thought it would be a fun idea to do a sort of “battle royale” among the trainees. Well, actually, it was some other weird instructor, and Shadis approved with a roll of his eyes, probably considering it a waste of time.

You’d all started out with partners you chose- for some reason, Mina Carolina bounded up to you right away and asked to be partners. You quickly found out she really didn’t want to go through more than one round, and that was why she had chosen you, with the hopes of ensuring your success. With a smile, you halfheartedly held her down until one of the instructors nodded his approval and sent you off to the next group which would be fighting each other.

From there, it was random pairing. You’d been matched with a girl you never really talked to, so you felt little remorse in easily overtaking her, counting yourself another win. If they could even be called that.

The third round, it was even more narrowed down- just 25, and one person had to willingly sit out. That person had been Ymir, who you suspected just wanted a reason to go hang out with Christa in the shade. You were partnered up with Inha Beecher, who you’d worked with a few times before in the past. She put up a lot more of a fight than the past two, but you came out on top regardless.

Round four, you’d regrettably been paired with Sasha. You whispered to her at the start that you’d be happy to let her beat you (it was starting to get hot outside at that point, and the shade was looking really good) but she shook her head, telling you she needed a reason to sneak away and go grab a potato from the kitchen before lunch. Laughing, you decided to just fight fair, whoever loses gets to do what they wanted to.

And unfortunately, you won that one too.

So here you are now, round five, only 3 pairs left. You would’ve expected Annie to be here, but also not surprisingly, she ditched after the first round, and is now nowhere to be seen.  
Remaining was Eren, fighting Reiner. Marco, fighting Mikasa. And you, paired with the ever so lovely Jean Kirschtein. 

You’d heard the other matches finish through muffled sound at some point, but your and Jean’s fight has not yet come to a close.  
It probably has something to do with the fact that Jean Kirschtein is extremely competitive and he somehow still believes in the whole “I can’t get beat by a girl” thing. You, on the other hand, just want to prove to yourself that you can kick Jean’s ass if need be. After all, he still has the nerve to discreetly bring up Wall Sina at any possible chance around you.  
Plus, it’d be pretty funny to have that to hold against him.

Jean’s signature smirk that he’d been sporting at the beginning of your match is long gone by now- replaced by a look of complete focus. Somehow, this fight has gotten way more serious than either of you probably expected. 

You’re on the defensive and you have been since the first step Jean took. It was the first thing you’d learned about fighting- you’re a girl, and that isn’t something you can ignore. But it is something that you can take advantage of.

“Come on, Y/N!” Jean growls as the two of you walk around an imaginary circle, catching your breath. “You’re making me do all the work.”

You don’t respond, watching him carefully. Surely enough, spurred on by what you assume to be frustration at the length of this fight, Jean is next to you in just a second, grabbing your left wrist and yanking you hard. Digging your heels into the ground, you pull back with the same force he’d used, making him stumble forward at your side, though his hand is still wrapped around your wrist.  
You quickly take the opportunity even as he tries to reach around and grab you with his other hand, stepping around his side and reeling back your foot to kick him behind his knee. 

Jean grunts as he falls forward, letting go of you to catch himself and roll away before you can grab hold of his collar like you’d been planning. He scrambles to his feet, but this time you’re after him, also wanting to end this.

He’s off balance because of the rough way he’d stood up, so you dart forward, narrowly dodging the punch he throws at you and once again land a fierce kick to the front of the same knee. The harsh breath he lets out is hot on your face- he doesn’t fall again like you were hoping he would. Instead, Jean hooks his leg around your knee and pulls- hard.  
You topple over, but manage to grab onto his collar on your way down, fingers latched on so tight you can practically hear the rasp of the fabric ripping. 

The two of you struggle on the ground, ripping and tugging and hitting and pulling at hair and clothes, the occasional snarl and yelp coming out from someone’s lips. You feel like you’re in another world- you don’t know what’s come over you, but for some reason, you’re having the time of your life.  
This is brutal. Jean has yanked hair out of your scalp, and you’ve littered his cheeks with scratch marks.  
But it’s fun. Just two kids, absolutely kicking the shit out of each other just for the bragging rights.

Finally, Jean gets you into a spot that’ll be hard to get out of. He’s on top of you just like that first time you’d sparred with Eren, but now, Jean’s got his forearm locked over your throat, the other holding both of your wrists. You know you should probably be scared in this moment- after all, just like you’d thought that day with Eren, it’s the scariest position a girl can be in. But you have no energy left after such a long fight, and Jean’s clearly exhausted too, so you accept your loss by letting out a laugh, even though you’re a little disgusted by the sweat from Jean’s hair dripping onto your forehead from the proximity of your faces. 

Surprised, Jean lets go of your wrists, his eyes widening, but the ref has already called him as the winner.

You sit up right away, forcing Jean to roll off of you and sit by your side, his palms on the dirt. Both of you are out of air completely, gasping, wiping at your brows, hands coming away wet. 

You’re still laughing under your breath (it sounds more like a tired wheeze, honestly), looking over at Jean, who’s looking at you like you’re crazy. 

Suddenly Connie and Marco practically jump Jean, congratulating him for winning and dragging him to his feet. Similarly, Sasha and Christa come to help you up, confused by your joyous expression but complimenting your strong effort nonetheless.

 

“I really thought you had him,” Armin comments, smiling at you from across the table. You’d sat with the trio because Connie could not stop bragging on Jean’s behalf, despite said boy just looking a little flushed anytime you glanced at him.  
“Me too,” Mikasa agrees, taking a calm sip of her stew. “It was close.”

You wave them off. “Thanks, but I kinda knew he was gonna win towards the end. There’s no helping it when you’re equally skilled but one person is way bigger like that.”  
Mikasa hums in understanding, though you’re not sure just how much she could understand, considering she’d apparently beat Marco in just about two minutes. 

“He was being kind of aggressive with you, though, don’t you think?” Eren pokes his spoon at the stew, eyes narrowed.  
You resist a chuckle. “And I wasn’t with him? Have you seen the guy’s face?”  
Armin laughs. “Yeah, Y/N seriously gave it to him. Maybe Jean won but I think you both lost in a way- those bruises will hurt tomorrow.”  
“It was fun though,” you nod, taking a sip of water. “Maybe I’ll ask him to be my partner next time we do hand-to-hand.”  
“What?!” Eren huffs, slamming his hands onto the table. “Why would you want to spend any more time than necessary with that idiot?”  
“You want me to kick your ass instead?” you don’t bother looking up at him, instead just picking up your spoon and going back to the stew. “I can definitely beat you, Eren.”  
“Pfft,” you can hear the eyeroll in the tone of that, and smile as you take a bite. “We’ll see about that.”

 

“Coming, Y/N?” Mikasa asks, having paused before leaving with Eren and Armin.  
You shake your head, spotting Sasha somehow asleep in the back of the mess hall. “I need to go wake up Sasha, unless you want to wait for her too.”  
“If you don’t mind, I was going to take a bath, so-”  
“Go ahead, Mikasa!” you chuckle, waving her away as you start walking from the row where you’d set your tray to the back of the hall.  
“See you then, Y/N.” she says quietly, and then you hear the door swing shut.

“Sasha,” you say, shaking your friend. Drool is spilling onto the table from the corner of her lip. “How the hell did you fall asleep so early?” 

Sasha runs on a very exact schedule of sleeping hours. She falls asleep as soon as the lights are out in your room, and wakes up as soon as the sun has broken over the horizon. It’s rare that that ever changes.

“She ate like twelve potatoes today.” 

Turning in surprise, your hands still resting on Sasha’s shoulders, you find Jean Kirschtein leaning on one of the posts nearby, his arms crossed over his chest. 

“A few this morning when she snuck away during the spar practice, and she managed to nick a bunch more off of people during dinner.” 

“Geez,” you mutter, looking down with disapproval at your friend. “Idiot. Starch overloads aren’t good.” You don’t know if that’s even true, but it sounds plausible.

“Do you think she’s going to wake up?” Jean’s voice rings out again. You glance over, but he still seems to be avoiding your eyes.  
“Doubtful,” you sigh deeply. Mikasa had already left, and there’s no way Jean will help you carry Sasha all the way to the girl’s dorm, right? “Guess I’ll have to carry her.”  
“I’ll help.” Jean casually strolls forward and throws Sasha’s right arm over his shoulders, standing back to his full height after he has a good grip on her. “You get her other side.”

You stare in shock. Is this the same Jean you know? Since when is he this nice to you?

“I don’t remember hitting you in the head,” you mumble, only realizing you’d spoken out loud when his eyes snap to yours.  
“We don’t have all night, Sina girl, let’s get going.”  
“Right.”

You scurry under Sasha’s other side, and surprisingly, Jean leans down, having recognized that he’d be carrying all her weight if the two of you aren’t on equal levels. 

You and Jean walk in silence up until you make it down the stairs of the mess hall. You guess the quiet was starting to feel loud for him too.

“Why did you start laughing today?” he asks, much more pensive than the way he typically talks. “After the ref called our match.”  
You take a moment to think. “...I guess I was just enjoying myself.”  
Jean sputters, looking over at you from Sasha’s other side. “But I had you totally stuck! Shouldn’t you have been freaking out or something?”  
“Probably,” you admit. “But we were just sparring. It wasn’t real life. If it had been, it would’ve been a different ending.”  
This time, he scoffs. “Right. Of course, you _let_ me win. Leave it to you to humble-brag, Sina girl.”  
You shoot him a deadly look. “Shut up! It’s dark, there could be people around!”  
“Oh yeah, there’s people everywhere,” he says sarcastically.

Well, he’s kinda right. Seems like everyone is either at the bath house or in the dorms. 

“Whatever,” you roll your eyes. “Anyway, combat has a lot to do with context. If you want to join the military police, you should know something like that.”  
Jean leans out from behind Sasha’s drooping head to give you another disbelieving glare. “Yeah, let me take fighting advice from the girl that grew up in-”  
“I told you to shut up about that!” you snap, reaching behind Sasha to slap the back of Jean’s head. He lets out a pathetic “ow!” as you scowl. “Don’t call me that nickname anymore.”  
“It bothers you that much, huh?” Jean laughs. “I think I’ll keep it.”  
“Asshole,” you grumble. “I’m seriously not holding back next time I fight you.”  
“Oooh, scary,” Jean sing-songs. You resist the urge to spit at him. At least this is the Jean you’re familiar with. 

When you finally make it to the girls’ dorm, he unceremoniously drops Sasha on you, leaving you to shoulder her weight with a heavy grunt. 

“You’re welcome for the help,” he smirks as you readjust, trying to figure out if you can really get her up the stairs.  
“Thank you, so, _so_ much, Kirschtein-”

You stop talking in shock when a hand reaches over and ruffles your already messy hair. You stare at Jean, jaw hanging open, but he’s gone back to that weird “doesn’t want to look at you” thing. 

“Night night, Sina girl,” he says obnoxiously, drawing his hand back and waving it over his shoulder as he turns and starts walking towards the boys’ dorm without another word.

“What the hell…” you mutter under your breath as you hoist Sasha up into your arms bridal style. What a strange day.

 

From the common room of the boys’ dorm, a moderately large group of cadets jump away from the window as they watch Jean turn and start walking towards them.

“Did you see that?” Connie’s eyes bulge out of his face dramatically. “Did you see him give her a nuggie?”  
“Dumbass, he was just patting her head!” Doan Kermer shoves Connie. “Do you even have eyes?”  
“This is weird,” muses Marco, a finger to his chin. “I’ve never seen Jean do something like that before.”  
“Well, you all know what that means,” Reiner puffs up his chest, in the ‘I know more than you guys and you’d better listen’ way. “A guy walking a girl back to the dorms after dinner? They’re hooking up.”

“They are _not_ hooking up,” Eren snaps, his arms crossed. “Y/N doesn’t even like that horse-faced jerk.”  
“You sound jealous,” Tom Gresenberg comments, looking amused.  
“W-what?! No, that’s not-”

“What the hell are you all doing here?” 

Everyone turns, finding Jean standing in the doorway skeptically. 

“Uhm… we were just… talking about girls.” Reiner says, with little conviction. He straightens up. “That’s right! We were talking about the prettiest girls in the camp!”

Jean rolls his eyes. “It’s almost time for lights out. Is that really so important?”  
“It totally is, Jean!” Connie pipes up, and with a scheming look, leans his elbow on Jean’s shoulder, wiggling his eyebrows. “Who do you think the hottest girl here is? I think it’s Christa.”

Jean smacks his arm off ruthlessly, his cheeks flushing. “That is not your guys’ business!”  
“It’s definitely Christa for me,” Reiner says, looking dreamy. “She’s pretty, and a saint.”  
“You’re- you’re actually discussing this?” Jean exclaims, throwing his hands up.  
“I’ll pick Mina.” Doan raises his hand.  
“Sorry Eren,” Tom chuckles. “I’d have to go with Mikasa.” 

Eren, who was already looking annoyed, practically fumes at that comment. “Hey! Don’t call my sister pretty!”  
“Well she’s not ugly!”  
“What about you, Marco?” Reiner asks, looking genuinely curious. “You never look interested in anyone.”  
Marco shrugs. “I guess I’m just really focused on the top ten. But if I had to pick… probably Christa or Y/N.”

Jean glares at his friend, who has a knowing smile on his face as he matches Jean’s eyes. 

“Eren, Jean, Bert- you guys are the only ones not contributing!” Connie tugs on Jean’s arm. “Don’t be downers like this! Bertholdt, you first!”

Bertholdt looks shocked, and stutters nervously. “Um- I… I don’t know, m-maybe… maybe Annie?” he practically whispers.  
“Okay, that makes no sense, moving on! Jean!” 

Jean sighs, brushing his hair back. “Fine. I guess I’ll pick Mikasa.”  
“Hey!” Eren shouts, standing. “You creep! Don’t even say her name!”  
Jean regains his usual shit-faced grin, clearly happy with having pissed Eren off further. “Sorry, but she is the hottest-”

Eren lunges, but Reiner and Bertholdt manage to catch him and force him down on the couch as Jean starts laughing. 

“Pervert,” Eren mutters bitterly.

“You’re up, Eren!” Doan points out, a grin similar to Jean’s on his face. “You’re like Marco, too. Never heard you say a word about girls.”

Eren freezes. Girls? Yeah, just like Marco, he’s way too focused on his goal of improving himself and his skills to think about girls. But there is… there is you…

_Hand pressed to his throat, he looks up at you in wonder. How the hell did you end that so quickly?_

_“Sorry, that was a dirty move,” you look down at the ground, abashed. Your hand comes up and tucks a stray strand of hair behind your ear, looking far too delicate to be a part of the arm that just decimated his windpipe. “It’s all I know.”_

_Maybe you were expecting him to be angry, but for some reason, all Eren can think, even with the pounding pain in his neck and bruise on his stomach, is that you look… pretty. He’s never really thought that about a girl before. But standing there under the sun, with that strand of hair tucked back, and your eyes glinting in the light even though they’re cast away from him…_  
_You’re pretty._

“I haven’t thought about it,” Eren snaps, huffing. “Don’t ask me that kind of stuff.”

“He only thinks about titans, guys, don’t forget,” Jean drawls, looking smug. “Anyway, fun over. We need to turn the lights off soon or Shadis is gonna be big mad, whether the topic of conversation was important or not.”

With sighs and groans of “he’s probably right”, the boys all make their way down the hall and into their respective bedrooms.

But Eren, lying on his bed in the pitch dark, still can’t seem to shake off the image of Jean tussling your hair outside the girl’s dorm.

“Asshole,” he mutters to himself, and rolls over, forcing himself to think about sleep instead.


	6. six - 6 and 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooo ;)

**YEAR 850**

The pouring rain beats down on your hooded head, cold seeping into your bones as you whip through the trees at a high altitude, curving in out and around your classmates. You’re getting graded today, and the name you’ve built up for yourself in the particular activity of killing ‘titans’ with the 3DMG forces you to defend your pride. You don’t care much (pretty much at all) about your scores on shooting, or in class, but out here, flying through the air.  
It’s your thing, one might say.

You spot a titan figure up ahead, and approaching it below you are two comrades- though you can’t tell who they are because of the green coats you’re all wearing to shield from the rain. 

Not this one, you think to yourself. You reel in both wires, dropping altitude at an alarming rate, before you fire them at a tree nearby the titan, just underneath it.

“We got this one, Connie!” you hear your dear friend Sasha’s voice shout right as you pass underneath her.

You retract your wires again, the momentum built up from the first drop allowing you to swing at a crazy speed towards the titan.

 _One meter long, ten centimeters deep._ It’s practically ingrained in you by now. 

You slice a decently clean chunk out of the titan’s neck, and immediately twist to fire your wires in front of you, leaving Sasha and Connie in the dust. They may be able to count a kill, but you’d been there first.

You’re not sure how you developed this ultimately dangerous way of maneuvering around. You tend to fall more than actually pull yourself around using gas the way that they try to teach you. They teach you that way so you don’t end up killing yourself by getting too adventurous, but since you’d felt comfortable with your gear pretty much off the bat, you hadn’t been reprimanded too much for your risky ways. Plus, Jean kind of encouraged it by telling you that’s the way he tends to maneuver as well- using as little gas as possible. 

Either way: the more daringly you fly, the faster you can go. And what you like the most is going _fast_.

You climb altitude once again. It’s the best way to scope out titans, in your opinion. You can see them coming rather than just trying to get a clean cut as soon as one appears in front of you. But other people agree with you, and those people tend to be your competition.

“Damnit, Y/N!” the familiar growl of Eren Jaeger brushes past your ears as you manage to weave through a tight spot where him and Mikasa were flying alongside each other, probably working as a team. 

You allow yourself a brief laugh- after all, nothing has changed for you. This is still the most fun you have.

Eren grits his teeth as he watches you zip past him, your form there in one second and out of sight the next. At the beginning of your training, it was clear that you didn’t try much at the 3DMG exercises and just did well based off of your natural affinity for it. But nowadays, it’s a different story. 

“Can’t you catch up with her?” he barks at Mikasa. “Quit tailing me!”  
Mikasa doesn’t even acknowledge him. “There’s one up ahead, follow me.” she says instead, hitting the gas and whizzing by as well.

Multiple titans, a few tricks in the air, and a lot of amusing greetings with your comrades later, you slow down dramatically before hitting the ground outside the edge of the forest. You stumble as you tend to, still not a master of the clean landing, your chest heaving up and down as the rain continues to pour down on you. 

Time had been called, and everyone begins to land around you and the first few people to emerge from the trees. Generally, the first ones out are either people who didn’t care/try very hard, or people who are fast. You like to think you have aspects of both.

It’ll be a while before Shadis makes his way down from the podium he uses to watch and grade from in the forest, so you make your way to the water table, downing a fairly large cup in just a few seconds. Flying around for that long does make one thirsty.

A finger taps on your shoulder as soon as you put the cup back down on the table, thanking the soldier who always works this job.

Turning, you find the narrowed eyes of Jean Kirschtein, and beside him, a bashful Marco.

“So,” Jean starts, crossing his arms. “You’re using my tricks to steal my kills?”  
You smirk, tilting your head at him. “And? You’re the one that me to ‘go for it’ instead of listening to Shadis and doing it the normal way, aren’t you? It’s not my fault you’re not fast enough.”  
He rolls his eyes. “Either way, it’s a little cheap. Especially when Marco was working so hard on everyone’s behalf.”

He’s right, in a way. Marco was and usually does work hard for the benefit of the team rather than himself. He tends to lead people to the titans, using his speed and stealth as an advantage, and let them make the kill. You’ve even used his figure to help guide you a few times. 

“Thank you, Marco, for your hard work,” you tell the freckled boy, satisfied at the ‘hey!’ that immediately comes out of Jean’s mouth. “I really hope you do well today.”  
“You too, Y/N,” Marco smiles. “This is what you’re good at, after all.”  
“I try,” you shrug, looking back at Jean. “Anyway, Jean, you’re ahead of me in the rankings still, so don’t get your panties in a twist if I beat you this time. It’ll all be okay, I promise.”  
With that, you reach up and flick off his hood to ruffle his hair, laughing behind your hand as you quickly scurry away to avoid his wrath. 

You catch sight of Sasha and Connie hanging out under a tree nearby, and bounce over, full of energy from the adrenaline. 

“Hey,” you call, getting their attention as you stop in front of the two. Both eye you with sour expressions, making you frown. “What?”  
“Thanks for stealing our kill!” Connie blurts, pointing an accusing finger in your face.  
You groan. “You too? Geez…”  
Sasha pouts. “It was gonna be a good one, Y/N!”  
“I apologize sincerely,” you bow, hand to your heart. “And beg your forgiveness.”  
“Well, when you put it that way-”  
Sasha smacks Connie. “Weirdo! Don’t say stuff like that!”  
You chuckle, rising back up. “Are we good?”  
“Pshh, like I’d ever actually be mad at you,” Sasha throws her arm around your shoulders and drags you right up next to her, squishing your faces together. “But can I have your bread tonight just to make sure?”  
You laugh, pushing her face away. “Yeah, sure.”

“Cadets, at attention!”

The three of you spring towards the booming voice of Keith Shadis, throwing your fists to your hearts and shouting “sir!” in tangent with the rest of the 104th.

“Today was a challenge!” he shouts, imposing as ever despite currently standing at the same level as the rest of you. “It’s no easy task, maneuvering and killing titans in the rain! But titans don’t care about that, and they will kill you no matter the weather!”

The silence suddenly feels thick around you. Any mention of real titans and what they can do to a person always kills the mood, and sombers you all to the reality of joining the military. Some of you will end up facing off against a titan in your life- and that number is bigger than usual with the threat of Wall Rose falling at some point, too.

“Which is why I commend you for a job well done- many of you outperformed my expectations today!”

Of course, that makes you feel good. You can hope that you were one of those people.

“And many of you were shit! You maggots had better hope you never see a goddamn titan in your pathetic lives!”

Aaaand there’s the commander you know and love.

“The new standings will be posted tomorrow at breakfast! Two of you little shits from the new top ten will be assigned gear maintenance while everyone else cleans the camp- attempting to avoid this duty or switch it with another cadet will result in a dishonorable discharge from the corps! Dismissed!”

You relax, and immediately groan.

“Shit!” Connie smacks his forehead. “I shouldn’t have done so well this time. What if I end up doing gear maintenance?”  
“Thanks, Y/N, for stealing that kill,” Sasha cackles. “Maybe now I’ll be eleventh and won’t have to worry about it!”

You were in a solid twelfth place last ranking, but now with the addition of this score on your best activity, chances are you’re going to end up in the top ten. And the chance of having to do gear checks on everyone’s 3DMG is so unappealing that you immediately regret having tried this time.

You sigh. “Whatever. Let’s not worry about it until tomorrow.”

 

“Fuck.” 

You can’t help the first thing that comes out of your mouth when you manage to catch a glimpse of the standings the next morning after standing on your tiptoes for a few minutes.

Someone you don’t know the name of shoots you a glare, probably knowing that your expression of resignation is due to the fact that you’ve placed sixth in this ranking. It’s your highest placing so far- before you were always around the nine to fifteenth spots depending on what was being taken into account.  
The top four never change as per usual: Mikasa, Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie. Jean seems to have gotten fifth, and after you is Marco, followed by Connie at eight, Eren at ninth, and Ymir at tenth.

“Yes!” Sasha exclaims from beside you, then lets out a dramatic sigh of relief. “This is the perfect time to be at eleventh!”  
“This seriously sucks,” you mumble as your friend takes your hand and pulls you to the line to grab food. “Why did I do so well?”

Christa and Ymir are in line just ahead of you, and they seem to have heard your comment on your ranking.

“Act grateful, headass,” Ymir gestures with her chin to the group of people already sitting and eating their food, who probably knew right away they are way too far down in the rankings to bother looking. “You don’t want people messing with your shit out of revenge.”  
“Who would do that?” Christa frowns. “Y/N earned her spot fair and square! It’s her right to complain!”  
You smile. “Thanks Christa. I’m glad someone supports me here.”  
“Just sayin’,” Ymir shrugs. “I won’t feel bad for you if someone destroys your shoes or something.”

You cringe. You definitely don’t have the money to buy new ones- they only give you a meager paycheck of 75 dollars at the end of the year as a trainee. You’ve spent most of that on new clothes so you don’t look questionable on your rare days off. You’ve also admittedly splurged on foods you’d never had the chance to try in the underground like strawberries and cheese. The assumption is that most people have parents to send them money if they need it, but you and a decent number of other cadets are without that privilege.

“I’ll get you new ones if that happens, Y/N,” Christa assures you, her signature kind smile lighting up her face.  
“No you won’t, idiot,” Ymir glares at her. 

They keep arguing about Christa’s saintly actions, but you zone out as you and Sasha move up the line. If you get picked for this gear maintenance thing today, your odds are pretty even for ending up with someone you like or don’t. There’s Mikasa, who would be good (even if she is kind of quiet), Marco is probably your top choice considering his efficiency and friendliness, you could handle Connie if necessary, Jean would be… a struggle, but he’s decent to you nowadays, and Eren would be your second choice, since you’d most likely have the most fun with him.  
But Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, or Ymir? Reiner would just flirt with you as he does with any girl he’s alone with, Bertholdt is awkward and silent, and you already have to deal with Annie’s scary-ness every night in your room. You have nothing against Ymir, but she’d probably ditch you and make you do it alone, and you don’t have the confidence to snitch on her.

“Y/N, your food!” Sasha urges you with her elbow in your side, snapping you out of your thoughts.  
“Right,” you grab your tray and follow her to the usual table, where Jean, Connie and Marco are already seated. 

“Are you guys excited to clean today?” Marco asks as you and Sasha sit down, your friend immediately going to town on the oatmeal. “I think it’ll be a nice break.”  
“Even if you get picked for the gear thing?” Connie snickers. “I think you’ll regret saying that at that point.”  
“If I get picked, it can’t be helped,” Marco shrugs, a good-natured smile on his face.  
“That’s the spirit!” Sasha exclaims. You look over and her tray is already clean of food. “Anyone wanna give me their oatmeal?”  
You slide yours over. “Here, take mine-”  
A hand reaches across the table and pushes the bowl back to you, ignoring the dejected “aw” that comes from Sasha. “Idiot, you’ll have no energy if you don’t eat breakfast.” Jean says, avoiding your eyes as he draws his arm back.

Your eyes are wide as they rest on him, even as Marco and Connie continue talking like that hadn’t happened at all. Feeling shy for some reason, you snap your face down to your oatmeal and eat quickly to avoid getting dragged into the conversation. 

A few minutes pass with casual chatting between everyone at the table except you, and then the door to the mess hall slams open out of nowhere, everyone going absolutely silent.  
You jump in your seat, twisting around to see Shadis standing in the doorway, his figure looking dark and unnerving against the bright light coming through around him. 

“Sir!” everyone choruses, hands to their hearts.  
“Relax,” Shadis calls. He turns towards the kitchen. “Chef Mengett!”  
“Yes, commander?” the light and airy voice of the frail man who cooks a majority of your food floats back from out of sight.  
“Please pick two numbers between one and ten!”

You groan under your breath, pressing your palms together. Here goes nothing.

“Oh dear, well…” the chef pauses, only increasing the current top ten’s anticipation while all the other cadets snigger, amused. “How about six and nine?” 

“Shit,” you breathe as quietly as possible.  
“Haha, six and nine,” Connie chortles in front of you. Who was nine again? You swear on Wall Maria, if it’s Ymir-

“Cadets L/N and Jaeger, meet me in the equipment storage shed no more than ten minutes after being released from breakfast!”

With that, Shadis turns and leaves, and the mess hall erupts into noise once again. 

You groan, slumping over on the table, your hair spilling out next to you. “Why did it have to be me?”  
“There, there,” Sasha pats your cheek delicately. “You’re gonna be with Eren at least, right?”  
The slightest smile appears on your lips. “I guess you’re right.”

 

Eren appears on your right as soon as the bell rings to signal the end of breakfast. He’s sporting a lighthearted smile that you don’t see too often on him.

“Wanna head out?” he asks as you stand up from your table.  
“I’ll grab your tray, Y/N, you’d better go so you’re not late!” Sasha shoos you away, taking the tray of empty tableware.  
“...Thanks,” you say, eyes wide as she darts off without even staying to hear you. You turn to Eren, doing your best to smile back. “I guess we both drew the short end of the stick, huh?”  
Eren shrugs, his hands in his pockets. “I don’t think it’ll be too bad. After all, how many sets can he really make us check in one day?”

 

“There are one hundred and five. Check the pressure valves on each set, and then make sure you turn them back to where they were before. Clean out the scabbards. Full standard upkeep on the vertical maneuvering device- if they’re not all in pristine condition by the end of the day, you’ll do them all again through the night. Understood, cadets?”

“Yes, sir!” you and Eren nod, even though you’re wilting internally. 

Shadis narrows his eyes. “Don’t get distracted. This will take the whole day. You may go to lunch, but don’t galavant around.” he pauses and you nod again. “Remember: pristine condition. That is all.” 

“Yes, sir,” you both repeat, and Shadis nods sharply.

“Get started, cadets,” he swiftly turns and leaves you and Eren standing alone in the dusty, kind of cramped gear storage room. 

 

Surprisingly, Eren is a lot quieter than you had expected. He works in relative silence, looking very focused on the task at hand. You suppose that you don’t mind- after all, it is a comfortable silence and not an awkward one, but with the sounds of other trainees nearby every so often, it does make you feel a little bummed that you’re stuck in here. 

“Oh, this one’s Jean’s,” you mumble to yourself as you pick up the next boxed set of gear. Each case is labelled with the trainee’s name so you don’t mix them up. 

“Really?” Eren pipes up for the first time, causing you to look over at him in surprise. His face has taken on a devious expression. “Pass it over.”  
You frown, holding the case protectively. “I’m not gonna let you mess with it, Eren. We’ll both be so screwed if anything is wrong.”  
“Oh come on, Y/N,” Eren pleads, turning to face you completely. “I’ll just change the pressure valves by like a millimeter- he won’t even notice, it’ll just be slightly off-”  
“No!” you glare. “If he so much as complains to anyone, Shadis will hear about it and we’re gonna get loaded with doing all of this again!”  
“Fine,” Eren slumps back in his chair, crossing his arms. “Just don’t treat his specially or anything.”  
You tilt your head. “Huh? Why would I do that?”

Eren doesn’t reply, seemingly mulling something over before sighing and starting on the gear he was working on before again. 

Shrugging to yourself, you open up Jean’s gear set and go over the pressure valves, pushing down each one to make sure they’re not loose. You’re not worried, though. Jean definitely does his own maintenance on his gear regularly because of his risky way of maneuvering- just like you.  
You check the scabbards quickly, but as you’d predicted, they’re empty of dust and completely clean. The vertical maneuver device is the only part that could use some work, so you get started on brushing out the dust and oiling it so that the conductors spin smoothly. 

“Don’t you think you’re spending too long on that one?”

You glance over at Eren momentarily, who has paused his own work to look at you. “No?”

He scoffs, but doesn’t say anything more.

You set down the rag you were using to polish the device on Jean’s gear and turn to Eren, eyes narrowing. “What?”  
“What do you mean, ‘what?’” he says, looking back down at the set of gear in front of him and beginning to furiously polish the pressure valves.  
“You don’t need to polish those,” you say pointedly, and cross your arms. “It kinda feels like you’re mad at me for some reason.”  
“Not at you,” he grumbles, still rubbing the rag across the valves harshly.

Sighing, you rise from your seat and walk over, grabbing Eren’s hand to stop him from continuing with the polishing. “You seriously don’t need to do that. It’ll do more harm than good on the pressure mechanisms.”

He avoids your eyes. “Whatever.”  
You let go of his hand and he drops the rag on the table, quickly putting away the whole set of gear into its case.  
“Are you really done?” you ask, leaning back with a hand on your hip.

“Would it really be that bad to have to spend more time with me if we do this over again?” Eren mutters, sounding bitter as he wipes his hands clean. 

Your eyes widen. “...What?”  
“Forget it.”

Your brows draw together in confusion and you don’t move even as Eren stands up to put the finished case away and grab a new one. 

“I don’t want to redo all of this because it’d be a waste of time and we’d be super tired tomorrow after not sleeping the whole night, not because I don’t want to spend time with you, Eren…” you tell him even as he refuses to glance in your direction. “I don’t know where you could even get that kind of idea from.”

Eren sets down the new case and turns, standing in front of you but still looking off to the side. You realize he’s definitely grown since that first time you ever stood across from him on the first day of camp, when Mikasa introduced you. He looks older, too. The line of his jaw with his face turned to the side is sharp, and his shoulders are broad. For whatever reason, your heart starts to beat a little faster, uncomfortably, in your chest. 

“Hey, Y/N…” Eren says, voice quiet. “What do you think of Kirschtein?”

You tilt your head quizzically. “Jean?”  
Eren nods, his face turning so that his eyes meet yours. “Yeah. I’m just wondering.”  
“Um,” you shift your feet. “I think he’s fine. He’s good at vertical maneuvering, and he’s smart I guess… sometimes he’s an asshole but sometimes he’s kind of nice…” you trail off, remembering a few months ago when he helped you carry Sasha back to the girls’ dorm.  
“You don’t like him, right?”  
“Like him?” you laugh in shock- it probably sounds strained because of the weirdly high level of tension in the room. “No, of course not! Aren’t we all too focused on training for stuff like that?”  
The tension seems to break with Eren’s laughter, as he relaxes completely and brushes a hand through his messy hair. “That’s what I thought, too. Reiner keeps bothering me about it because he’s convinced you and Jean are a thing.”  
Your jaw drops. “ _What?_ Why would he- why- when do Jean and I ever…” you sputter in embarrassment. There are rumors going around about you and Jean Kirschtein? How? You barely even hang out with him, you just at the same table at meals, and sometimes you tease him after your assessments… but being a thing?

“Ridiculous, right?” Eren grins, and reaches over to ruffle at your hair. “Hey, since you’re so concerned about wasting time, let’s get back to work.”

You nod, smiling, and walk back over to your side of the table, where you continue on Jean’s gear. You can’t shake off the idea that Eren was a little too serious about what you thought of Jean for it to have just been Reiner bugging him about it, but when he starts chatting casually again about everyday things, it slips your mind.

 

Hours later, after you and Eren have had the time of your lives sprinting to the mess hall to see who can eat lunch and come back to the storage room the fastest, and the sun has set, and the clock on the wall tells you there’s only ten minutes left for you to finish- you are each on your last set of gear.

“Oh, mine is Marco’s,” you comment as you open the case. It looks to be in perfect condition already.  
“Mine’s Armin’s,” Eren says. “I guess that makes sense. They clean their gear together all the time.”  
You hum in understanding, essentially just giving everything a once-over, because the gear really has nothing to fix. Your eyebrows lift slightly as you see a pretty major nick on the edge of one of the scabbards- it looks fairly deep in comparison to the surface scratches most of the cadets’ gear have. You’ll have to ask Marco what happened sometime. 

Just as you’ve set Marco’s case of gear on top of the last stack and clapped your hands free of dust, the door slams open and Shadis’s imposing figure appears in the doorway. 

“Sir!” you and Eren salute him, and he nods for you to relax.  
“Cadets. Is everything in pristine condition as I asked?”  
“Yes, sir!” you both chorus.  
“Good. You may both go to dinner.”

You and Eren look at each other in surprise.

Cautiously, Eren raises his hand. “Sir, permission to speak?”  
“What is it, Jaeger?” Shadis looks annoyed.  
“Aren’t you going to check our work?”  
Your instructor’s lips twitch in what might even be amusement. “No, cadet. Your challenge was to complete these in time. If individual recruits don’t keep up with their own gear, it’s their fault. Now head to dinner.”

“Yes, sir!” you answer before Eren can say anything else, as he’s suddenly looking very pissed off. You salute Shadis and grab your friend by the hand, dragging him out of the storage shed and a safe distance away.

 

“Listen,” you tell Eren, who is fuming. “That sucked for us, but if you get mad at Shadis it’ll suck even more.”  
“I can’t believe we worked so hard for nothing,” Eren grits his teeth.  
“Life is not fair,” you muse, nodding. “But at least now we won’t feel like its our fault if someone’s gear malfunctions.”  
Eren seems to cool off at this statement. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” he looks down, then, and you realize you never let go of his hand. A flush of heat hits your face and you quickly draw your hand away, not noticing how Eren clung onto your fingers even as they pulled back.  
“We should head to the mess hall,” you say, looking at the ground.

You don’t see it, but Eren is smiling down at you, watching the way your feet shift and you crack the joints in your fingers. “Race you?”


	7. seven - humanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long chapter. shit gets emo.

“Ah, I’m seriously stressed out, Y/N!” Sasha wails, throwing her upper body onto the breakfast table. “If I don’t do super well today, I’m not going to get into the top ten!”  
“I feel the same,” Christa, sitting across from you, hangs her head, looking seriously dejected. “I’m at eleventh place right now, and it’s not like I even deserve to be there…” she sends a glare to Ymir. 

You’d decided to sit with the two girls today as a sort of way to remember your first day at camp, since today is your last full day of training. The few of you who have to take the final exam on the 3DMG will go today, and the final ranking will be out before dinner. It’s your friends’ last chances to make the top ten and be allowed the option of serving in the military police.

You are sitting at a comfortable ninth place, with Sasha at ten right behind you. Christa, as she’d said, has somehow made it to eleventh in the past month or so, which you all think has something to do with Ymir constantly helping her and making herself look worse for the benefit of the petite blonde.

“You did good yesterday on your exam though, right Christa?” you try to comfort her. “The only thing you can do is have confidence in your ability.”  
“That’s easy for you to say, Y/N, you nail every maneuver test we have!” Sasha groans, her face still planted into the wood of the table. 

You cringe.

“Y/N’s right,” Ymir says, surprising you. She picks at her soup, looking bored. “There’s nothing you can do about it now. You already took the test.”  
“I haven’t though!” Sasha sits up, her whole body giving off waves of distress. “I’m really anxious right now, guys!”  
“Here,” you push over your bowl of oatmeal. “I’m going after lunch anyway.”

Your best friend looks at you with immense adoration, a sweet smile taking over her features as she stares at you. “Thank you, Y/N.” she tells you, before snatching the bowl and downing everything inside inhumanely fast.

“Jesus,” Ymir mutters, seeming disgusted.

“You said you failed the written test, right Y/N? Aren’t you worried about your rank?” Christa asks you, frowning.

You had definitely bombed the written test after the past few months of not being able to focus in class. Your seat on the left of Eren had never been an issue before, but for some reason these days you struggled to pay attention to the teacher or to the notes when you could feel Eren’s presence right next to you. It always reminded you of the day in the storage shed when your heart had beat so fast in front of him. 

And… you can’t lie. You’ve just never been academically inclined, and that test was super hard. 

Shaking off your thoughts and mild exasperation at that idiot for making you fail, you smile at Christa. “Yeah, but it’s no big deal. I told you guys, I’m not really worried if I don’t make it into the top ten.”  
“You’d really have no problem going into the garrison?” Ymir looks unconvinced. “Somehow, I doubt that.”  
You shrug. “It’s just not that important.”  
“Like I said, she always nails it anyway!” Sasha pouts. “You could fail the written test and the shooting exam and still come out at number ten!”  
“I don’t think that’s how it works.” you rest your head on the palm of your hand. 

The bell rings just then, signaling the end of breakfast.

“Oh no,” Sasha moans, letting out a cry of despair. “I’m first up. Oh no, Y/N, switch places with me, they’ll never know the difference!”  
“I can’t do that.” you deadpan, but she clings onto you as Christa kindly takes both of your trays on top of hers, waving you goodbye.  
“Y/N,” Sasha laments, arms wrapped tight around your neck. “I don’t wanna go!” 

“Connie!” you call out as the bald-headed boy walks past your table with Jean and Marco. The three of them look back at you, but Connie and Jean just laugh.  
“You’re on your own, Y/N!” Connie cackles. Marco looks like he feels bad for you, but Jean throws his arm around his friend’s shoulder and tugs him along, leaving you behind.

 

Eventually, you convince Sasha that she will be okay and it’ll be more of an issue if she’s late to her scheduled time. 

Wiping the sweat off your brow as you send Sasha off to the forest, you sigh, looking around at the outpost that you’ve spent three years at.

 _Three years._ It’s shocking how much time has passed, and how quickly, too. Your life before coming here was so shitty, that even the grueling and intense training you’ve gone through has felt like days of fun with your friends. You have three meals a day here, and feel safe at night in your bed. You have people here that you want to trust, people that you hope would have your back- because you have theirs. 

You don’t want to leave this behind. Especially because almost everyone will be leaving you to go to Wall Sina in just a few days, while whatever your ranking ends up as, you’ll be heading to the Survey Corps headquarters on the search for Isabel. At least Eren, Mikasa, and Armin will be there too. 

 

“Hey.”

Speaking of the devil- you turn to find Eren standing behind you, the wind combing through his hair. 

“Hey,” you repeat back to him, clasping your hands together. “What’s up?”  
He grins that boyish grin at you. “The-”  
“Don’t say the sky.”  
“Damnit,” Eren acts like you’ve scorned him, kicking the dirt. “I thought that was pretty funny.”  
“We’re not twelve anymore,” you chide.  
Eren sighs, folding his arms behind his head. “Can you believe it? It’s been three years since we first started.”  
“I was just thinking about that, actually.” you continue looking around, watching the strong winds pull at the trees scattered around and various trainee’s hair as they walk. “It doesn’t seem real, that it’s pretty much over.”  
“Yeah,” Eren mumbles. 

The two of you stand in silence for a while, not uncomfortably. You start thinking about Sasha, and if she’s started her exam, how she may be doing. Will the wind affect her too much? She should be doing well without the issue of other people flying around because of her acute senses. If you could, you would trade spots with her to make sure she has the ability to go to the Military Police. It’s what she’s wanted…

“Y/N.” Eren says. You look at him, and his eyes are set on you, looking serious. “Are you going to join the Military Police?”  
You raise your brows. “How would I know if I’ll even be able to do that? I haven’t done my final yet.”  
“Are you planning to fail, or something?” Eren asks, almost accusingly. Your eyes open wide, and you open your mouth to refute him, but he cuts you off. “I heard you saying the same sort of thing to Christa this morning. About how you don’t mind your ranking, or even if you fail. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself when you say that kind of thing?”

Your eyes narrow substantially. “Excuse me? _Ashamed?_ What the hell are you thinking, Eren?”  
He puts his hands up as if to say ‘I concede’. “I’m not trying to antagonize you, I just… you’re really good, so why don’t you take pride in that?”

You sigh, annoyance fading slightly- but you remain a little defensive. “Because… because I don’t have the kind of goals that you do, or Jean does, or Sasha and Connie…” you trail off, biting your lip. “I didn’t join the military to go to Wall Sina, or because I want to kill all the titans. I just joined… I just joined because it was the last thing for me to do.” 

Eren’s mouth hangs open- he’s never heard you say anything like that before. You keep to yourself, you always have. Even after telling you about his mom and Shiganshina and how Mikasa came to his family, you never really revealed anything about your past or your reasons for joining the military. He has an inkling that you’ve told the truth to Mikasa because of the awkward conscience she takes on whenever he’s thinking out loud about it, but he thinks even if he asked you’d find a way not to answer. 

“What do you mean?” he says, more out of habit than trying to pry. 

You visibly shrink into yourself. “I…” you shake your head. “It’s nothing important. I just wouldn’t be upset if Sasha got into the top ten instead of me because that’s what she’s been working so hard for this whole time. I just happened to be good at the vertical maneuvering and that’s why my rank is good, not because I’m really motivated.”

“Still,” Eren pushes, stepping forward into your personal space. “There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your skills! Even if you end up deciding to go to the garrison, wouldn’t you be happy to say that you were in your class’s top ten?”

“Who cares, at that point?” you furrow your brows, looking at the ground. “I’m sure you’ve thought about this, Eren. You’ve probably talked about it to someone before. We all work so hard so that we never have to look a titan in the eye. Even if I’m in the top ten, if I get assigned to a random section of Wall Rose, everyone there is only there to avoid the Survey Corps. Who cares about the ranking when you’re all equally avoiding using your skills?”

Eren is quiet, and for a moment you think you’ve gone too far. 

“So then, are you going to join the Garrison if you aren’t in the top ten? You’re willing to just give up how good you are and become another soldier avoiding the titans?”

You look up, and Eren is staring at you with a harshness in his eyes you’ve never seen directed at you. You almost flinch, used to the lighthearted and fiery Eren, not this serious and angry one. 

“I’m just saying that it’s a possibility.” the words come out airy and without conviction. 

“Tch.” Eren rips his eyes off of you, clenching his jaw. “I always thought you were different. Even if you don’t have a goal, you were never like those other idiots who don’t give a shit about humanity and only think about themselves. But I guess I was wrong.” he shoots you one last deadly glare, almost like he’s giving you a chance to tell him that he wasn’t wrong, that you really aren’t like the others.

But the truth is that humanity has fucked you over far more times than the titans, and that you’re only here because you want something for yourself.

“I’m sorry,” you say, voice cracking.  
Eren’s gaze lingers on you, and you can see his fists tightening and loosening like he’s deciding something in his head. But he just breathes out an aggressive sigh and whips away from you, stalking off without a second glance behind him.

 

Sasha convinces you to sit with the regular group of Connie, Marco, and Jean at lunch today because she wants to share that she did well with everyone. You accept, but you wouldn’t have if you’d known they were sitting at the table directly next to Eren’s. 

You tried to escape as soon as you realized, saying you promised you’d sit with Christa again, but Sasha’s vice like grip was not forgiving, and Marco had started asking you questions anyway, making you feel bad for trying to ditch. 

So you sat down, and have been eating your food with extreme tension due to the fact that Eren is literally five feet away from you. 

“And I was like- wait a minute, I hear something! So I changed course, and right then, some instructor came down with their sword to try and cut my wires! I was super lucky to avoid that because you guys _know_ that I’m not good on one wire, right?”

Sasha is in the middle of a dramatic retelling of her exam, which you’re kind of listening to, but also kind of not because of how tense you feel. You’ve stopped eating, the half eaten bowl of stew and untouched bread roll staring back at you as you watch the table fiercely in an effort to not accidentally look at Eren.

“Hey,” Jean’s voice says from across from you. You cautiously look up to see him leaning his head on his hand like he typically does. “You gotta eat your food. You’re taking your exam after this, right?”  
You nod. “I’m first after we get let out.”  
“Then eat your food,” Jean tilts his chin at you. “You need time to digest so you don’t throw up while flying around out there.”  
That makes you crack a smile. “I guess so. I’m just not feeling very hungry.”  
“It’s just nerves.” Jean sits up, and pushes your bowl closer to you. “Come on. The five of us have to go to the Military Police together, don’t we?”

Out of your peripheral vision, you see Eren’s grip tighten on his spoon. So he is listening in on you, after all.

“I… I guess so.” you say unconvincingly.  
“Come on, Y/N,” Jean grins. “I know you want to see me and Marco in the military uniform. We’re gonna look super attractive, just you wait-”  
“Jackass!” you reach over and smack his head, garnering an “ow!” from the boy. “The military apparel is all the same whether you’re in the cadet corps or the military police.”  
“Exactly,” he says, a greasy smirk on his face. “I already look pretty hot, don’t I?”

You catch Eren’s jaw clenching out of the corner of your eye.

“You fucking wish, idiot.” you tell Jean, scrunching up your nose at him.  
Jean smirks once more, then leans back, resolving himself. “Anyway, I really am serious. If you don’t finish your food you won’t have any energy. It’s the final exam, Y/N, not one of those stupid tests from our first year. Do well.”

You open your mouth, ready to debate him too, but after catching another glimpse of Eren, who is hunched over his food with tension lining every fiber of his form, you sigh.

“Fine.” 

You nearly jump out of your skin when Eren stands abruptly, the spoon he’d been holding clanging against the inside of his bowl. You can’t keep your eyes from following him as he picks up his tray and walks with purpose to put it away, hands clamped on tight. Mikasa stands up to follow him, seeming alarmed at his disposition, and Armin follows her, too. Eren shoves open the door to the mess hall and leaves without a word of explanation, his two friends calling out his name in concern.

“Geez, what’s up with that guy,” Jean reclines as far as he can, rolling his eyes at Eren’s behavior. You’re still as a rock, fingers still tightly wrapped around the spoon.  
Connie snickers. “Probably thinking about titans.”

 

You wrap your green cloak tight around your shoulders as you take a deep breath, staring with purpose at the forest in front of you.

_“Do what you know. Good luck, cadet.”_

You’ve done this exact same thing a million times: maneuver with skill and precision, track down as many titans as you can within the forty-five minute time limit, and execute the killing strike cleanly on each one. One meter long, ten centimeters deep.

You’ve heard a majority of the cadets are getting one of their wires cut as a sort of ambush to test the ability to function in a bad situation. It wouldn’t worry you if it weren’t for the fact that unlike many of your comrades, you’ve been lucky and have never had a wire snap during practice. You don’t know what it feels like, and that scares you.

No.  
Focus.

You exhale, grip strengthening on your gear handles and the blades. 

The whistle sounds far off, but you hear it nonetheless, and immediately press down on your handles, gas propelling you into the air with force. You don’t waste time with landing on any branches- you just go.

The wind is strong, and pushes your form around in the air, but you pay it no mind. Your mind is running as you watch with careful eyes through the woods, listening closely for the sounds of the mock titans being turned into place.  
You know it won’t be like that if you ever face titans in real life. You’re sure they’ll be looking for you more than you them.

You spot a pair off to your left and veer in that direction, retracting both your wires and using the same trick Jean often does: falling to gain momentum. When you get dangerously close to the ground, you hook your wires into one of the titan’s upper body and swing with almost frightening speed towards it. You cut a sizable chunk out of the nape, and retracting your wires, continue the motion so that you take down the other titan as well, only recementing yourself after the second nape has been cut into.

You keep flying, Eren’s words from earlier replaying in your mind. 

_"You were never like those other idiots who don’t give a shit about humanity and only think about themselves."_

You find another titan and take out the rush of anger that pulses through you on it’s neck, slicing a remarkably deep piece out. 

What does he know about you? He doesn’t know anything. He thinks titans are the only evil in this world. Well, even if humanity killed every single titan in the goddamn world, there would still be evil humans who abandon and betray and hurt and kill-

You shout in frustration as you decimate another two titans you’ve found. 

Humanity.  
Why should you care so much about humanity? What has humanity ever done for you? Individual people, sure, you’ve had kindness in your life- Isabel and her note tell you that, and maybe some of the people here in the camp.  
But humanity?

Humanity is what forced you into that underground dump- what did your parents or their parents or theirs do to deserve being funneled down there while right above them lived the stupid royal family, with all their fancy clothes and gold trimmed cutlery and-!

Another two titans are cut down.

You don’t know your parents- your mom either died or left you out on the street as an infant. But you don’t blame her if she left you. After all, who would want to raise their kid in such a dark and depressing place? Did the titans do that to her? Did the titans force you to live there, charging an insane price to even visit above ground for a few days?

The titans are mindless after all, at least as far as anyone knows. Maybe they made you all live in these walls because of the threat of being eaten, but they didn’t do that tactically. But everyone you grew up around always told you that the royalty put you all in the underground city because there was no room for poor people like you above ground.

So why, when you finally made it out of there and joined this stupid fucking military that just goes along with the royal family and the brass in Wall Sina, were you able to see the endless land available in Wall Rose? Why did everyone who used to live in Wall Maria tell you that there was plenty of empty land?  
So why did you have to live in the underground? Because of the titans?  
Because of humanity.

Fueled by a sudden anger and bitterness, you track down and cut down the titans at a speed you never have before. You’re almost blinded by your animosity, just going through the muscle memory of where you usually find the titans in this forest you’ve practiced in for three years. 

So blinded that you yell out in shock when you’re broken out of your passionate trance by the feeling of losing half your support.

Reacting quickly, you fire your remaining wire into a heavy-looking branch and draw yourself up to meet it, grabbing at the bark of the trunk to stabilize yourself on top of the branch. You breathe deeply in and out, shaking.

How much time could have passed? How many titans have you hit? Do they really expect you to continue with only one wire?  
You have no idea. 

One of those questions is answered by the same whistle sound projecting from somewhere to your left. That’s your sign to make your way to the ground, where Shadis and a few other instructors are supposed to meet you and lead you out of the forest.

 

You fire your wire in front of you into the same tree you’re standing on, checking to see if it’s really stuck in there before beginning to use it as a sort of bungee cord to get down the trunk of the tree like you’d been taught.

Once your feet hit the ground, you sigh in relief. It’s over.

“Cadet!” 

Shadis approaches you, and you salute him with less energy than usual. He waves his hand in a sign to relax. You do, sheathing your worn-down blades and hooking your gear handles onto the scabbards.  
A few other instructors you know walk up behind Shadis, but only the commander carries the clipboard- the be all end all for your grades.

“Good effort today, Cadet L/N. You seemed very impassioned today in comparison to usual.”

You cringe. Hopefully that doesn’t mean you went on an Eren-style titan killing rampage.

Ouch. Eren. You’d rather not think of him right now.

Shadis taps his pen on his clipboard, not looking at you. “As I expected, you work better alone. You have some major strong points as a soldier: focus, agility, reaction time, and confidence with your abilities. Unfortunately, L/N, you are all brawn and no brains. Abysmal performance on the written test last week.”

You cringe again. “My apologies, sir.” 

“You were not given permission to speak, cadet.”

Your jaw drops. ...Are you supposed to apologize for that? 

“You did fairly well on the shooting exam. Once again, good focus. You do well in isolating yourself from your surroundings in order to complete a goal. Of course, that means you have trouble willingly being a part of a team.”

You guess that’s true. Even from your first ever mission on the maneuver gear, Eren sent you off to be a lone scout rather than include you in the team effort.  
Ouch again. 

“You’ve placed third in this section of the exam, Cadet L/N, after Cadets Ackerman and Kirschtein. You’ll find out if that was enough to keep you in the top ten tonight. Good luck.”

Shadis finally looks directly at you. He narrows his eyes, which frightens you, but nothing could have prepared you for what he actually says.

“Speaking honestly, cadet, I thought you might purposefully slack off on this exam. Thank you for not forcing me to give you a bullshit rank.”

Your eyes widen. “Permission to speak, sir?”  
He nods.  
“I’m sorry you thought that of me! Thank you, sir!” you salute him with more energy this time.  
“That’s enough. Dismissed, cadet.”

You nod back, and one of the other instructors comes up, walking with you back to the regular exit of the forest. 

 

It hits you as soon as you find Sasha in your room after a long bath following the final exam. 

You were not supposed to do well.  
You were supposed to give her your spot in the top ten.

The guilt smacks you across the face when she grins at you and asks how you did, if you think the two of you will be heading off to the military police together. After all, even if you’d told her you’re from the underground, you still kept the secret of Isabel and the Survey Corps. So not only have you not told her the whole truth, you may have just screwed her over, too.

But you can’t find it in you to tell her any of what you’re feeling- whether that’s for her benefit or yours is vague even to you. You just let her take you out to the common room to hang out with the other female comrades you’ll be parting ways with soon, and keep to yourself.

 

The final ranking is posted on the wall outside of the mess hall for everyone to see. It’s quite a few pages, as there’s 218 of you graduating. Most people are only interested in the first of the four, where the top ten and the people closest to getting in are written.

Without warning as you and Sasha approach the crowd of trainees swarming the lists, your friend hops onto your back with a shout of “support me, Y/N!”, using your combined height and her excellent vision to scope out the names of the top ten. 

You’re tense the whole time she’s squinting, using her hands formed into ‘O’ shapes like they’re binoculars. _Please tell me she got in._

“ _Yes!_ Woohoo! Y/N Y/N Y/N!” Can you believe this!” Sasha leaps down and starts bouncing, grabbing your hands in hers. “Both of us got in! We’re in the top ten! We’re gonna be able to eat meat every day in the Interior! This is the best news ever!”

All your worry and tension relieved, you smile with her, relaxing completely. “That’s great news, Sasha. What place are you?”  
“Tenth,” she tells you, her eyes wide. “I just barely made it. I guess I’m super lucky!”  
“Good,” you mumble, but her hands are already pulling you inside, her lively voice starting to ramble about tonight’s menu. 

 

The two of you sit with Christa and Ymir, which kind of just makes you feel bad again because Christa ended up at eleventh place even despite Ymir’s efforts to get her into the top ten. And Ymir definitely isn’t shy in giving you dirty looks whenever the sweet blonde of your class isn’t looking your way.

“Either way, I’m really happy for you, Y/N,” Christa tells you with a smile as dinner is coming to a close. “You’re a really good soldier.”  
You duck your head, feeling like you’re grimacing more than smiling. “...Thanks.”

Something about that compliment makes you feel strange, though. It’s essentially the only compliment you ever hear- or things directly related. That should be a good thing, since you are a military recruit, but…  
Is that all you really are?  
Just... just a good soldier?

 

“What’s your point, Eren?”

Jean’s distinctive voice, the one he specifically takes on for arguments, cuts through the conversation at your table and seemingly a lot of others’ as well. You look past the table in front of you and see Jean turned to his right, where Eren, Mikasa, and Armin are sitting.

“This should be fun,” Ymir snickers under her breath.  
“Hey!” Christa chides, but you’re suddenly focused on the altercation that’s sure to take place.

“Jean, you don’t need to go to the Interior,” Eren says, setting down his cup. “You’ve gone soft enough inside your own head.”

Many of the trainees listening in openly start chuckling at Jean, (including Ymir and somewhat Sasha) but you’re more focused on Eren’s disposition. He seems serious, like he was today when talking to you. 

“Don’t you think it’s strange… that we’re training to fight titans, just to end up farther away from them?”

Your eyes widen. 

_“We all work so hard so that we never have to look a titan in the eye. Even if I’m in the top ten, if I get assigned to a random section of Wall Rose, everyone there is only there to avoid the Survey Corps. Who cares about the ranking when you’re all equally avoiding using your skills?”_

Hadn’t you essentially asked Eren the same thing earlier?

 

“Who cares?” Jean spits. “For my own sake, I hope they keep this stupid system.”

It’s strange. It’s like watching a reenactment of what you’d said before with slightly different lines.

Eren bristles and stands up, looking ready to jump Jean. “You piece of shit!” he shouts.  
“Shut up! This is reality!” Jean fires back, also standing. 

“Oh shit,” Ymir whispers as the two near each other and Eren grabs Jean by the shirt. Armin shouts for Eren to stop, but it’s like the two of them are in their own world.

Until Mikasa stands. “Stop,” she says, simply and with her usual calmness. You watch her take Eren’s hand from Jean’s shirt. 

But that only seems to set Jean off even more.

“Oh, _really_ shit,” Ymir cackles.  
You cringe as Jean roughly grabs Eren’s sweater and lunges, drawing back his fist with a shout of “screw you!”.  
“Let go! My clothes are gonna rip, dumbass!” Eren shouts back.  
“Who cares about your clothes?” Jean roars. “I’m so damn jealous!”  
“What are you even talking about?” Eren yells.

You expect him to go on, or Jean to, or something to escalate as it usually does. But instead, Eren grabs Jean back, reeling back his leg, and kicks him, throwing his hand back with equal force. Jean hits the ground with force- you can practically feel the reverberation even from here. 

A chorus of gasps passes over the cadets.

“Did Eren really just do that?” Christa’s eyes are wide when you glance around at your tablemates. Even Sasha seems immersed.

“What the hell was that!” Jean growls as he sits up, clutching the back of his head.

“The martial arts I went through a world of hurt to learn while you were screwing around.” Eren says, sounding ruthless. “You think taking the easy way out, doing as you please, is reality? And you can call yourself a soldier?”

You flinch. Eren’s not looking at you, nor does he seem to even know where you’re sitting. But in a way, even if he doesn’t intend it that way, you feel like the words are directed at you. 

“You were never like those other idiots who don’t give a shit about humanity and only think about themselves.”

_“You’re a really good soldier.”_  
_Is that really all I am? Just a soldier?_

Are you even a soldier?

 

Everything seems to come to a dramatic, silent standstill, among the cadets and the pair of boys at the center of you all.

Then, the door to the mess hall creaks open, and peeking through the shadows enveloping him, is Commander Shadis. 

“I heard quite the commotion going on,” he says, sounding dangerous. You’re glad you’re really far away from that. “Would someone care to explain?”

Jean and Eren quickly sit down, but the entire hall is still plunged into a tense silence.

Mikasa raises her hand out of nowhere. “Sasha farted.”  
The girl next to you jumps out of her skin, her eyes bulging out of her back. “What! Mikasa!”

“You again?” Shadis grumbles, and the other recruits all seem to relax, even cracking up at the situation.

Sasha is horrified as Shadis tells her to learn to control herself while the three of you sitting with her struggle to keep your composure. The door shuts.

“Mikasa!” Sasha wails, bounding over to the girl who has no remorse. 

 

You watch that table longingly, wishing you hadn’t had that kind of argument with Eren. What are you going to do in a few days when you have to join the Legion at the same time as him? 

Will he consider you a soldier then?

You sigh. Maybe tomorrow night at the graduation ceremony, you’ll feel better.


	8. eight - trost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter, the next ones are pretty long haha... shit is about to go down

The next morning feels like a blur. Everything you own (for you, it’s pretty meager) is packed up and labelled with your name. The room you’ve slept and lived in for three years is emptied completely of anything that makes it your own. 

Well, except for the scratched initials inside a heart Sasha put on your and Mikasa’s bed. 

The entire 104th regiment rides to Trost from your military outpost deep inside Wall Rose. Most of you end up inside carts that carry around twenty people each, which means that you were squished up against Sasha and Mina for five hours. 

You arrive in Trost at about three o’clock. Your regiment is directed into the military headquarters of the city, where you’ll all be sleeping tonight, as you aren’t technically allowed to leave with whatever branch you choose until after you complete some mysterious “tradition” tomorrow morning. 

You finish setting up in the large dorm where you and nineteen other girls are rooming for the night, shoving your bag under the bunk bed you and Mikasa are sharing. You hadn’t even asked each other, somehow you both ended up standing in front of the same bunk and getting situated without realizing. 

 

“Hey, Mikasa,” you call. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed with her eyes closed, and she just hums as a sign that you should keep talking. “Have you told Eren you’re going to follow him into the Survey Corps?”

Her eyes snap open, expression turning from serene to surprised. “Did I even tell you I was planning to do that?”  
You shrug, sitting down next to her. “No, but I kind of assumed. You guys are family, right? Don’t families usually stick together?”  
“I think so,” she muses. “I just can’t trust him to be safe without me there. He gets into trouble easily.”  
“You can say that again,” you mutter, thinking of last night.

“What about you, Y/N?” Mikasa asks, tilting her head. “You never told me what your plans are. Are you going to go to the Military Police and try to help out in the underground?”  
“I…” you start, then stop, frowning. That really does seem like the sensible thing for you to do, doesn’t it? A safe and comfortable life, with good food on your plate at every meal, lots of leisure time. Sasha, Connie, Marco, and Jean will all be there too. And you could try to do some good for your ‘hometown’, too.

But you want to believe you can find Isabel. You don’t know much about family, since you never really had one. But isn’t she the closest thing to that, after raising you for four years with more kindness than any of the orphanages you’ve been stuck in?

“No,” you say quietly, unsure of yourself. “I’m going to the Survey Corps.”

“What?” Mikasa looks shocked, which is uncommon for her. You motion for her to stay quiet, as Sasha is currently napping on the bed next to you, and you don’t want her to hear. “Are you serious, Y/N?”  
“...Yeah.” you watch Sasha’s figure, the drool rolling down the side of her mouth onto the mattress. “I never really told you the full story about my life in the underground. There’s… there’s someone I want to look for in the Legion.”  
“I could look for you,” Mikasa offers. You’ve never seen her this concerned about something other than Eren. “I don’t think you should risk your life like this after finally coming to the surface.”  
You shake your head, looking down at the ground. “Some things are just meant to be. I’m not that special anyway, Mikasa.” you stand, glancing back at her with a smile. “Thanks for asking. If I can ask you for a favor, though…”  
She nods after a moment of hesitation.  
“You’re the only one I’ve told about this. I’d like to keep it a secret until the last moment.”

“...Alright,” she says, avoiding your eyes.

 

“Dedicate your hearts!”

The same statement that had marked the opening of your graduation ceremony also marks the closing. You stand with your fist to your chest, form as tall and strong as you can possibly be. 

It feels weird, to be standing in this final line of the top ten, with the rest of your class behind you, and the instructors who trained you on the stage in front.

The top four is as solid as it has been since the very first ranking: Mikasa, Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie. Eren somehow climbed his way to number five. You, feeling quite tense, are sandwiched between him and number seven, Jean. Marco is number eight, Connie nine, and Sasha at ten. 

It feels weird that despite doing quite a lot to not have a high ranking, Shadis put you here anyway. You just can’t understand it. Can ranking third among all the recruits in just the 3DMG and titan-killing activity really outweigh your two years of ditching combat training, your poor grades in class, and your just slightly above-average other standings? 

Were the whole ‘good focus’ and ‘confidence’ qualities Shadis tried to tell you to have pride in really that important?

The regiment is dismissed to dinner. You try to slip away from the top ten, but a strong arm lands over your shoulders, making you jump.

“Where do you think you’re going, L/N?” Jean exclaims, grinning down at you with his typical shit-eating look. “We’ve gotta celebrate on our last day out here in the Exterior!”

“He’s right, Y/N!” Sasha bounds up to you. Her, Connie, and Marco all seem to be in on this celebration thing, too. “It’s going to be so much fun being in the Military Police together, we have to eat a lot of food and talk about it tonight!”

You nod, pretending to be following along with the idea, but you end up looking over your shoulder as Jean leads you away, his arm still wrapped around your shoulders.

You catch Eren, Mikasa, and Armin standing together, the latter of the three talking animatedly about something you can’t catch. Eren’s expression is vague- like a mix between bitterness, anger, and betrayal. Mikasa’s eyes just look pensive.

_You’ll have to tell them,_ her eyes say.  
 _Not for a while,_ yours reply.

 

The drinks which you think may be alcoholic are flowing inside the grand banquet hall that you’re all having dinner and your post-ceremony party in. Dinner was over quickly, (especially because Sasha ate half of yours, which you think was just instinctive due to her joy in the moment) and now you’re just sitting next to Jean, who no longer seems super into the celebration. 

He’s muttered a couple bitter comments about scoring lower than you and Eren, which you’ve just ignored in favor of picking at the potatoes left on this particular table. 

“Hey, Y/N-” you’ve just glanced up to meet Jean’s eyes when a more powerful voice silences everyone in earshot.

“You’ll never beat them!” 

Thomas Wagner is standing in front of Eren, Armin and Mikasa with some guy you don’t really recognize. 

Heads turn, and even Jean frowns, looking interested. You don’t look, instead watching your fork play with the potato mush as you listen in.

“You do know how many tens of thousands have been eaten? We lost over twenty percent of our population, so we know for sure.” Thomas pauses. “...Humans can’t defeat titans.”

You can practically feel the mood drop in the hall. The air suddenly feels colder, and the somber silence of everyone paying attention doesn’t help.

“...So?” Eren’s voice is obvious to you. “If you think we can’t win, you’ll just give up?”

You refuse to look even as your grip tightens on the fork.

“Well,” Thomas’s voice shrinks in volume.  
“It’s true that humanity has suffered only defeat until now. But we didn’t know anything about the titans, then. Fighting them head-on is pointless. We did lose, but the information we gained gives us hope for next time!”

_Next time?_ You think bitterly. _Next time what- next time the Colossal Titan shows up and kills thousands more?_

But Eren continues. “Will we abandon the tactics that cost tens of thousands of lives to develop, and let the titans eat us without a fight? Hell no!” 

You sneak a glance. His expression is dark but passionate, and his fists are clenched.

“I am going to exterminate all the titans, and escape these cramped walls!” Eren shouts. “That’s my dream… humanity isn’t finished yet!”

You look back down at the plate of potatoes. Nobody says a word. The silence almost feels like it’s strangling you all.

You thought Eren might go on, but instead, you just hear the sound of footsteps, and then Armin calling out for him to wait. When you look back- the trio is gone, just Thomas Wagner and his friend standing uncomfortably in their place. 

“Tch,” Jean clenches his fist, catching your attention. “Suicidal bastard.”

 

The next morning, you’re all required to go see off the Survey Corps as they depart on one of their expeditions outside the walls. You don’t think it’s all of them, though, maybe just their main force?

You stand with Sasha and Connie, who are pretty distracted and not really watching the soldiers pass by.  
Most people are yelling out encouragements, especially among your ranks, but a few citizens also shout obscenities or degrading comments. Some of your comrades have fun pointing out famous soldiers, but you’re just watching closely. Does anyone seem familiar?

You were only six years old when Isabel left you at the orphanage, so you don’t really remember her face. You do remember that she had red hair, and she was really young, too. There were always two other men around with Isabel, but they never seemed to pay as much attention to you. Well, the blonde guy did sometimes, but the other one… you just remember that he didn’t really like you.

“Look!” someone nearby calls, sounding excited. “There’s Captain Levi! They say he’s as strong as an entire brigade.”

_Wait a minute…_ you frown as you try to pick out who your fellow cadet is pointing at. Levi… Levi. That sounds familiar for some reason. But if he really is some big well-known soldier, maybe you’ve just heard his name in conversation. You didn’t really get a good look at the guy, anyway. 

Once the Survey Corps makes their way out of Trost with cheers and laughter following behind them, the 104th is ordered to head to the wall.

Because the “mysterious tradition” you were all looking forward to... is cleaning the wall.

 

You somehow ended up following Connie up to the top of the wall as Sasha had run off somewhere without telling you why, and because of that, are awkwardly cleaning one of the cannons nearby him and the other people you got assigned to work with- one of whom happens to be Eren. The two of you have gotten to a point where you both know you’re purposefully ignoring each other, so it’s not quite as tense as it was before, but you still feel uncomfortable. Especially when you can see Marco and Jean looking casual some ways down the wall.

“I’m joining the Survey Corps,” Connie says out of nowhere, looking pretty shy about it. 

Your eyes widen, but you stay ducked behind the cannon.

“Huh?” Eren’s reaction is immediate. “Connie, you were so eager about joining the Military Police!”

A light, easily identifiable giggle rings through the air. Mina walks up behind Eren, her hands behind her. “Your speech yesterday night really affected him, Eren!”  
“Hey, shut up!” Connie yells, his cheeks flushing. “It was my own decision!”

“No need to feel embarrassed,” you watch as Thomas Wagner walks up next to Mina, which only shocks you more. “It isn’t just you.”  
“Thomas… you can’t…” Eren’s voice seems to trail off. 

“What the hell is going on,” you mutter under your breath. Did they really find Eren’s speech so inspirational?

 

“Hey, everyone…”

Your head snaps up when you hear Sasha’s voice.

“I brought meat from the officer’s storehouse.” she’s carrying a sizable piece of what looks like salami under her jacket. 

All six of you present jump in shock, but you also remember her ditching you and Connie. Hadn’t her nose been turned up and sniffing at the air? 

“What are you thinking? Is this what you ran off for?” you exclaim, finally emerging from behind the cabin to grab your friend by the shoulders and physically shake her.  
“Yeah, Sasha, do you want to end up in jail?” Eren questions, sounding alarmed.   
“You really are an idiot,” Thomas’s friend that you don’t know mumbles.   
“Idiots are scary,” Thomas himself seems to shrink away from you and Sasha. 

Your friend, however, is immune to the criticism, and is practically foaming at the mouth, a hot flush on her cheeks. “Let’s split it. We can slice it and make sandwiches!” she practically trembles, drawing away from you.

“Go put it back!” Connie looks exasperated, his hands to his head.  
Mina cringes. “Yeah, seriously. After all the land we lost, meat is really valuable!” She doesn’t say what you’re all thinking: We could get in major trouble for this.

“It’s fine!” Sasha waves them off, and gives you what you guess is meant to be a supportive pat on the cheek. She walks over to the chest on the edge of the wall, and opens it up. “Once we retake the land, we can raise cows and sheep again.” she places the meat inside the box, looking pleasantly calm.

You’re all standing in shock for a moment, just the sound of the wind humming in your ears. 

“I’ll… I’ll have some of that meat too!” Thomas’s friend suddenly proclaims, fists clenched in determination. You stare at him, confused.  
“M-me too! Get it ready!” Connie continues.   
“I also will, of course!” Mina pipes up, smiling brightly. 

You match eyes with Eren for just a second- he looks as lost as you do, but he quickly glances away.

The people who just announced their desire to eat that salami with Sasha start heading back to what they were doing before, but you and Eren remain frozen. You, for one, can’t believe Connie and Thomas are joining the Legion, or that there’s this sudden hope for reclaiming Wall Maria just because Sasha stole some meat. 

“What are you doing, guys?” Thomas’s friend calls out. You shake off your thoughts, looking over at him. He’s grinning. “We need to get back to work, or they’ll find out!”  
“It isn’t lunchtime yet!” Mina adds on in agreeance. “Hey Y/N, Sasha, can you guys come help me move these boxes?”

Your eyebrows shoot up, but you quickly nod and offer her a small smile. “Sure.” you brush past Eren, who just barely looks back at you over his shoulder. 

The mood feels different as you and Sasha walk with Mina over to the stacks of boxed cannonballs you’re supposed to set by the cannons. Mina’s spirits definitely seem lifted, and so do everyone else’s judging by the comments about eating the salami in the future, and by Thomas’s whistling. 

You glance back at the rest of the group as the three of you approach the boxes. Connie and Thomas’s friend are working on that one cannon, while Thomas works on the next one.  
Eren stands alone, not having moved from his position. He’s looking out over Trost, confidence and pride seeping from his stature. You feel what might be admiration as you watch him. What is it like, knowing exactly what you want to do? Having endless motivation? 

_Crack._

Suddenly, the lot of you are draped in a massive shadow. 

“What…” Mina’s voice comes out shaky and soft from beside you. 

You can’t tear your eyes away from it.

_Is this even real?_

Standing directly behind Eren, its giant face emitting hot steam that you can feel on your skin already, is the matching image of every description you've ever heard.  
The Colossal Titan.


	9. nine - squad 22

Your hands start to tremble without you even realizing it. The same thought just keeps running through your head as you stare at it. Is this even real?

“Agh!” Mina screams as a powerful blast of the boiling hot steam throws you off balance and knocks you right over the edge of the wall.

You’re falling in a panic, unable to see, but manage to yank your holsters from the scabbards on your hips and blindly fire into the wall, unwilling to lean forward and try to stop yourself for fear of breaking your ankles. 

“Mina! Sasha!” you call out as the steam starts to fade. Your wires run out of length and you jerk to a stop, hanging about halfway down the wall. 

“Samuel!” someone shouts, and for a moment, like the situation at hand isn’t even happening, you think to yourself: _Oh. That’s his name._

 

“Sasha!” Mina’s voice shrieks in fear from your left. You see Sasha detach her hook through the thin steam and start sliding down the wall.   
“What’s she doing!” you shout to Mina. The girl looks back at you and points desperately towards the ground.

There’s Samuel, Thomas’s friend, his form falling headfirst. You watch in shock and horror. Is he going to die? Here and now? Just the day after your graduation?

A hook propels directly into his foot, and on the other end of it is Sasha, supported precariously by only one of her wires. She calls out to Samuel but you can’t hear what she’s saying. 

Your eyes travel down from Samuel to the ground, and you see it.

“The wall…” you whisper to yourself, hands shaking even more. 

The gate is gone. 

“Fixed cannon maintenance team four!” you look past Mina and see Eren, feet planted against the wall. He draws his blades from his scabbards. “Prepare for combat! Our target is the Colossal Titan before us!” Eren draws his wires in and refires, giving himself momentum. You can barely hear him as he continues, but you make out the words.

“This is our chance!”

He flies over the edge of the wall, out of your sight.

The rest of you remain there, hanging onto the wall in pure shock. 

“The titans…” Mina’s voice is barely a breath, but you hear it regardless. You look back down at the hole in the wall. How long until they get in?

You swallow, and draw your blades. “Mina! Help Sasha get Samuel to safety! Get away from the Colossal Titan!” you shout, getting your comrades’ attention. 

Mina nods and fires her wires down towards Samuel’s hanging form, Sasha still holding on for dear life with her single wire. 

“What about us, Y/N?” Connie calls back, drawing his blades. 

_Damnit! How am I suddenly in charge because Eren ran off?_

You look back up towards the top of the wall. Should you go help? Or should you… help citizens evacuate? Stop titans right at the entrance?

“Shit,” you mutter, wiping sweat off your brow. “Just... hold on!”  
“But Eren told us to kill the Colossal Titan!” Thomas looks torn. 

“I know, but-”

You’re interrupted by another dramatic, crashing sound. Thomas shouts and retracts his wires, refiring to his left. You look up and see it- the massive arm of the Colossal Titan sweeping every cannon and cannonball off the top of the wall.  
Nothing falls in your direction, so you hang tight, clenching your teeth until you can see the top of the wall again.

“Connie! Thomas! Go, go go! Now!” you shout, pointing to the edge. They nod back at you and fire their hooks up towards the top in tandem with you. 

You three make it over the edge, only to find nothing is there.

“What?” you mutter, not believing your own eyes. “Wasn’t it just here?”

“Eren!” Thomas stands right on the edge. “Eren! Did you defeat it?”  
“Idiot,” Connie grits his teeth. “Like Eren could do that.”

You push past Connie and run to the edge next to Thomas, panic coursing through your veins. _Shit, if Eren dies on my watch Mikasa is going to kill me!_

But there he is, hanging off the side of the wall, looking pissed. 

“No!” Eren growls. “It was just like five years ago! It appeared out of nowhere, and then vanished just as suddenly!”

“Are you okay?” you call down, before realizing what you just said. Eren looks surprised for a moment, but he just turns his head, ignoring you.  
“Hey, come back up here, dumbass!” Connie shouts, coming up behind you. At this, Eren reacts, refiring his wires so that he can pull himself up over the edge and land next to the three of you. 

“I’m sorry,” he says bitterly. “I let him get away.”  
“Why are you apologizing?” Thomas looks away, seeming ashamed. “The rest of us couldn’t even move-”  
“Hey, there’s no time for discussion!” Connie interrupts. “The wall’s been breached! If we don’t patch it up fast, titans are going to get in!” 

“What are you kids doing?”

The four of you look back to see a Garrison soldier clambering up over the opposite side of the wall. “The contingency plan for the Colossal Titan has already begun. Get to HQ! And anyone who made contact with it, don’t forget to report it!”

“Yes sir!” you all salute him.  
“Best of luck to the advance team!” Connie says passionately. 

The soldier nods, and darts away, flying through the air with ease and confidence, like he’s weightless.

Your fist drops from your chest, unfurling. “Shit,” you whisper again. 

“What do we do?” Thomas’s lips quiver. “Are we going to have to fight the titans?”

“Are you some kind of idiot?” you snap, turning on him. “The wall’s breached and the Survey Corps is gone! Obviously they’re going to make us fight the titans!”  
“Y/N, calm down!” Connie puts his hand on your shoulder, but you shove it off, looking over the wall with wide eyes. You can already see them- and you can feel the rumbling of their footsteps, too. The titans’ gangly limbs and soulless stares bring a sick feeling to your stomach.

Without another word, you fire off your wires, heading to the HQ alone.

 

Your breathing is shallow as you fill your gas canisters all the way in the basement of the headquarter building. The booming voice of some commander tells you something or other about being full-fledged soldiers, but you ignore it. Your hands are shaking even as you screw the lid of the canister on and slide it into your scabbards, waiting to hear the click before you stand.

“Y/N!” Mikasa is in front of you when you turn around. “Have you seen Eren?”  
“No,” you tell her bluntly, and push past her to the entrance of the stairwell. You clench your hands into fists.

_You were going to join the Legion anyway,_ you tell yourself, trying to calm down. _You were going to fight them at some point._

But the clamminess of your palms is uncomfortable, and your heart won’t stop racing. Every step you take on the staircase feels like a step into Hell. 

The titans.   
Their footsteps. If you thought you could feel them when you were up on top of the wall, you can truly feel them now. And you can plainly hear the screaming and crying going on outside as the people of Trost run through the streets, trying to make it to the gate leading into Wall Rose. 

That’s right, you’re in Trost. You wonder how Jean is holding up… hopefully his parents will be okay.

The fresh air of the courtyard you were told to go to after filling up on gas and checking your teams isn’t comforting at all. Mina and Sasha are nowhere to be found, and you can’t see anyone else you recognize in the crowd. Maybe it’s better that way. You got put into a team of people you don’t know well, so maybe it won’t hurt as much if they all die.

You shake your head, pressing the heel of your palm to your forehead. “Stop it,” you mutter to yourself. “Don’t think like that already.”

“Y/N!” 

You look up to see Marco, running up to you with Jean trailing behind. 

“Are you okay?” the freckled boy asks, his eyes wide and worried. “You were with Eren, right? You must have seen it up close!”  
You stare at him, mouth hanging open. “I… I was, yeah. I’m- I’m okay, thanks for asking.”  
“I can’t believe this shit,” Jean grits his teeth angrily. “I’m pissed!”  
“Jean,” Marco places his hand on his best friend’s arm. “We can’t think like that right now. It’s not ideal but this is our situation! We have to fight to save the civilians!”  
“And what if the Armored Titan appears and wrecks the Inner Gate?” Jean fires back. “We’re fucking screwed, then!”  
“Shut up,” you snap, elbowing Jean as you watch the front. “Commander Woermann is telling us to get in line.”  
“I don’t give a shit what that asshole says,” Jean spits. “Holed up in here, commander my ass-”  
“Jean!” Marco exclaims.   
“Just get in line, idiot!” you hiss, just as a hush falls over the corps, set into neat rows in formation.

“104th Division of Cadets!” the Commander addresses you, and you all salute with a booming “yes, sir!”. “Just follow your training! Split into groups! Under the Garrison’s orders, you will resupply combatants, relay orders, and kill Titans!”

“Fuck this,” Jean mutters.

“Garrison intercept forces will form the vanguard! Trainees, led by the supply team, will comprise the middle guard! The Garrison’s elite forces will make up the rearguard!”

“How does that make sense…” you whisper under your breath. The elite members of the Garrison the farthest away from the incoming titans? Aren’t they just trying to save their own asses without even bothering to hide that fact?

“Also, messengers, report that the advance team has been neutralized!”

At this, you gasp, eyes widening in shock.   
That man… who had told you to come here. He’s dead?  
They’re all…

“The outer gate has been compromised, and titans have entered the city. In other words, the Armored Titan may appear at any time to destroy the Inner Gate!”

The corps erupts into whispers of fear and disbelief. 

“No way,” someone nearby mumbles. Looking to your side, you see Jean gritting his teeth, staring at the ground. 

“Silence!” the commander shouts, his voice cracking. “As we speak, the vanguard is engaging them! We have only one goal: to defend Wall Rose with our lives until the evacuation is complete! As I’m sure you’re all aware, desertion in the face of the enemy is punishable by death. Mark this well, and fight till your last dying breath! Dismissed!”

“Yes, sir!” you all chorus, banging your fists against your hearts.

 

People are in action immediately, and Jean stalks off, practically growling under his breath.

“Jean, wait!” Marco calls, and you feel the need to follow along simply for the fact that you don’t want to head into this alone. 

“Why today?” Jean grumbles, stopping near the wall. He’s clutching his forehead. You watch, unable to even speak a word. “As of tomorrow, I would have been in the Interior…”

All three of you look to your left as someone is throwing up loudly.   
Christa holds the guy, patting his back soothingly. “There, there,” she says, but concern is written all over her face.

When you look back, Marco is gone- you guess he must have gone with a group to get organized.

Jean grits his teeth again, looking disgusted.

“Jean!” you finally manage as he starts walking away. “Hey, wait!”

You freeze as soon as he collides with someone, having been walking with his eyes squeezed shut.

“You’re in the way,” he hisses at Eren, who’s staring back.   
Eren grabs Jean by the arm. “Hey, Jean, what’s wrong?” he asks, sounding genuine.  
“What’s wrong?” Jean mutters dangerously. “Unlike you, I don’t have a death wish!” He grabs Eren by the collar.

“Jean,” you bound up, reaching to try to grab his arm, but the glare he sends you is harsh enough that you draw your arm back. You feel Eren’s eyes on you briefly, but you just look around, avoiding them.

“Since you wanted to join the Survey Corps, I’m sure you’re ready to become titan food at any time! But I was supposed to be going to the Interior tomorrow!”

In your looking around, your eyes land on Mikasa, whose gaze matches yours almost like she was looking at you before. You put your hands up in exasperation, as if to say, “please help”, and she starts walking towards you.

“Calm down!” Eren says.  
“Calm down?” Jean mimics. “I’m supposed to stay calm and die?”  
“Jean, seriously!” you cut in, frustrated. Mikasa stops by your side.

“No!” Eren shouts. He slams Jean against one of the pillars right next to you. You take a step back, flinching a little. “Don’t forget those three years of hell we endured! In the past three years, we’ve almost died so many times… Some of us really did die. Some were kicked out, some ran… but we made it! Didn’t we?” 

Jean looks appalled.

“So we can make it through today! You’ll survive today and go to the Interior tomorrow, right?” With that, Eren lets go of Jean, who has long since let go of Eren. The latter boy takes a step back, leaving Jean wide eyed.

“Damn it,” he says, gritting his teeth once again. Then his eyes land on you, and he grabs your wrist. “Come on, Y/N, your team is the one going out right before mine.”

Jean drags you along behind him. You look back over your shoulder, and feel a weird sense of deja-vu as you catch Mikasa and Eren staring after you. 

Eren’s eyes are vague.  
You wish you’d just apologized then and there.

 

You stare at the members of your new squad with sharp and unhappy eyes. You’d been moved from one of the last few middle guard teams into one of the earliest deploying to support the vanguard because of your high ranking out of the 104th.   
Needless to say, you already weren’t excited _before_ you met who is in this new team.

“Welcome, L/N,” Stefan Hubrich smirks at you, crossing his arms. “Rank six.”

You also know Maya Weber and Sofia Altemose. The other guy has to introduce himself to you as Lukas Schmidt. 

“Hi,” you say back as deadpan as possible. 

The five of you are standing on a rooftop nearby the HQ, waiting for the order to move out.

“Let’s make one thing clear, L/N,” Stefan’s eye twitches. “You’re not the one in charge here. I am. Your rank doesn’t matter right now, and you’re not better than any of us.”

The other members of the team seem to agree, as nobody cares to dispute this. They all do avoid your eyes, so maybe they have the sense to be ashamed.

“I hate to break it to you, Stefan, but I am better than all of you. Which is why I was rank six and you were what, a hundred something?” you reply, tilting your head dangerously. “I don’t care what you four think of me. This isn’t training camp anymore. We’re in danger here. If you want to stay alive you need to be careful and pay attention to your surroundings. Don’t overestimate your abilities. We have to work as a team if we want to safely kill titans.”

Stefan has the audacity to laugh. “We get it, you’re the only one who’s good at killing titans,” he says sarcastically. His face darkens as he stops laughing. “Do I need to teach you a lesson, L/N?”

“H-hey, Stefan-” Lukas Schmidt tries to step in between you, but Stefan just shoves him away.

“Because I think I do,” Stefan continues, speaking low.  
The other girls are pretending like they’re not even there, turning their faces away from you.

“Do you really want to do this right now?” you scoff. “When I could be the one you’re calling to save your life?”

He spits at your feet, which shocks you enough that you leap back, jaw dropping. “Keep your fucking superiority to yourself, dirty bitch.”

“Squad 22, move out!” A Garrison soldier calls out from above you. 

“Yes sir!” Lukas shouts before you can even react. “Let’s go, everyone!”

He and the two girls fire off in the direction of the breached wall without a second glance. You stare at Stefan, and slowly draw your blades.

“Fine,” you tell him, coldly. “I will.”

He smirks, and fires off, following Lukas. You follow.

 

Before you know it, the five of you are in titan territory. There are no civilians around, but looking down into the streets from the rooftop you’re standing on, you can already see bloodstains and the occasional piece of someone’s corpse.

You’re mortified.

“Fuck,” Lukas says under his breath. Maya is throwing up off the edge of the roof, shaking violently.

You tear your eyes away from her and instead sweep the area, feeling chilled to the bone as soon as you spot one.

“Titan at four o’clock, coming this direction,” you warn the others, but they don’t seem to be paying much attention. “Guys, listen!”  
“Where the hell is the vanguard?” Sofia mutters, staring out towards the wall.

“Listen, you idiots!” you snap. “Are we engaging or evading the titan!”

Lukas turns towards you, and his eyes suddenly snap wide open. He points. “Stefan!” 

You whip around, and to your amazement, you see the piece of shit flying towards the titan, using unnecessary gas to show off tricks and flips in the air.

“Shit,” you whisper. Are you going to help him or not? 

“Team, move out! Support Stefan!” Lukas calls, and fires off.  
“Maya, let’s go,” Sofia pushes the girl’s shoulder, and without warning, Maya weakly topples off the edge of the roof. Sofia screams, immediately jumping down in an effort to catch her.

“Wait, Sofia-!” you shout, sensing something bad. 

Horrified at your sick intuition, you watch as a titan jumps up from the street below and engulfs all of Maya and half of Sofia’s body in it’s mouth, crunching down immediately. Sofia screams, her mouth frozen open as she stares at you.

“Y/N!” she shrieks, blood already pouring out from the mouth of the titan. “Save me! Help! Y/N, please!” 

The titan closes its mouth even tighter, and all you can do is watch with dread as her body splits in half vertically. The titan swallows, and what’s left of your comrade falls to the ground.

You don’t even think you’re breathing as the titan turns towards you, its creepy smile and strange proportions staring you in the face. 

_Is this even real?_

The hand reaches out towards you, slowly, very slowly, almost like time is not going at its usual speed.

You watch it, watch as it starts to close around you.

_Yes. It is._

You jump, firing your wires into a taller building nearby and darting out of reach. You don’t stop there, though, suddenly remembering Stefan and Lukas as the adrenaline hits you.

A gurgling howl catches your attention. Your head snaps to your right and you see Stefan, legs missing, in a titan’s grip. Lukas is cowering in fear on the rooftop beside him. 

You quickly check the street to make sure you’re not going to get ambushed, and then press down on your handles, gas propelling you across the street and down a few houses. You’re maneuvering faster than you think you ever have before out of fear and desperation. 

You said you wouldn’t save Stefan.  
But you can save Lukas.

“Lukas!” you shout, but he doesn’t even turn his head. You try again as you approach, but the boy seems to be paralyzed. You land next to him as the titan in front of you sickeningly bites off Stefan’s head, his spinal cord coming out partially with it.

“Snap out of it!” you bark, shoving Lukas ruthlessly. “Help me kill this titan! I’ll distract it and you go for the nape!”  
“N-no…” he just says, looking through you instead of at you. “Stefan…”  
You see the shadow of the hand before you feel it, and throw yourself to the side before it can land on you. Lukas didn’t move an inch, though, and looks like a statue, completely still as the titan lifts up its hand to its mouth.

“No,” you whisper. “No!”

You fire your wires into the titan’s shoulder as it slowly brings Lukas up to its face. You pull up at a remarkable speed, air dragging against you. 

“No!” you shout, extending your blades and touching them to the titan’s skin.

_One meter long, ten centimeters deep._

“Arghh!” you cut out the nape, and watch as the titan immediately starts sizzling, its body disintegrating into thin air. You fall with it to the ground, looking for the blond kid it had in its hand.

“Lukas!” you yell, slipping off the titan’s body and onto the ground. “Lukas!”

You find him then.

He looks relatively untouched. He’s not missing any limbs, not bloody at all.

But every single part of his body is skewed at a wrong angle, and his head swings floppily on his neck as he falls out of the grip of the titan and rolls along the pavement until he stops at your feet.

“...Lukas,” you whisper, staring at his open green eyes. 

You stand alone in the middle of the street, not a titan in sight.

How…  
How had all of your teammates just died in the span of a few minutes? Was this the cost to kill one titan? For every titan you kill, four of your comrades, no matter how good or shitty of a person they were, die?

No.

You’re stronger than them. You even told them that. You told them to pay attention, and not overestimate themselves! 

Maybe the four of them had to die.   
But you won’t.

You fire your wires into the tallest building in your immediate area and hang on to it sideways, scoping out what’s around you.  
You’re going to kill these titans, whether your team, the vanguard, or every other team of cadets is gone or not.  
Anyway, regardless of who your team was, you have people to get back to. You have to talk to Eren. You have to see Sasha and Mikasa again. You want to see Jean’s face when you tease him.

_Are you even a soldier?_

Yes.  
You are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is wild. hope you guys are ready for the battle of trost arc


	10. ten - prayer

_It’s cold._

A groan slips past your lips as you curl into yourself, tucking your hands under your torso. Why in the hell is it so cold?

And why does your head hurt so goddamn bad?

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

Groaning again, you swat at your cheek, wiping off the drops of water that have fallen there. But they keep coming, and suddenly it’s not just a few drops, but pouring rain on top of you.

You try to sit up, confused and shaken. Why is it raining? Where are you, even? It’s completely dark, and your whole body is sore. 

Pressing a hand to your forehead as you shift, you realize you’re trapped underneath some kind of destroyed structure- but luckily, the only part of your body that has actual rubble strewn over it is your right leg, knee down. You try to lean over and push at it, and fortunately for you, the block of what seems like stone slips off easily and lands on the floor. 

You wince as your head starts pounding even harder, some kind of ringing in your ears only making the pain worse.

You look up, but you still can’t see anything but wood and stone. Everything is spinning a little, too.

“Is anyone there?” you call out. “Anyone out-”

_“Wait, Sofia-!”_   
_“Y/N! Save me! Please, help! Y/N!”_   
_“Lukas! Snap out of it!”_   
_“...Lukas.”_

Suddenly you’re screaming, but it doesn’t even sound like you. You scramble, tucking yourself into a tight ball, arms wrapped around your knees. That wasn’t real, was it? Are you really alone? Were they even ever alive? How did you end up here?

You keep screaming until your throat feels scratchy, tears streaming down your cheeks. The rain that’s making it through the collapsed structure on top of you only makes you feel worse.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

You tilt your head up, not even a breath passing your lips as you watch a giant pair of eyes appear through the cracks of whatever building you’re protected by. A hand equally large begins to pluck the fallen rubble away from overtop of you. You stare at the titan, and it stares back at you.  
How did you end up here?

“I don’t wanna die,” the cracked, dry whisper sounds loud even through the pouring rain. “Please don’t kill me.”

But the titan doesn’t respond. They are mindless, after all. It just removes the last piece of wood that was blocking its path to you, and reaches down, grabbing you between its huge thumb and pointer fingers by the cloak you’re wearing. You stare it in the eyes as it pulls you from what you now see is just a regular house. 

The thing seems to examine you for a moment as it holds you in front of its face. And that’s when you remember where you’ve seen this face before.

 

**One Hour Earlier**

 

You stumble onto the tall roof of a hotel as another titan falls to its knees, and then on its face, beginning to release the steam that tells you it really is dead. How many have you killed now? You think three or four, but you haven’t been counting closely.

“I need a break,” you mutter to yourself, and sit down on the flat roof, looking at your surroundings. You’ve somehow ended up really close to the gate that was broken by the Colossal Titan before. There’s nobody around in this area- you’re guessing that the vanguard was totally wiped out before you even deployed, and the teams like yours that were sent out to support them are mostly gone, too. You don’t know how much time has passed, but you’ve been alone since the rest of your team were killed.

Shaking your head, you sigh, and look over your shoulder at the wide expanse of the city behind you. Pretty far in the distance, you can see some of your fellow cadets zipping around, identifiable by your green cloaks. You wrap yours tighter around your shoulders. It’s getting colder out here by the minute. 

Should you try to make your way back? It seems like the logical thing to do, trying to meet up with your other comrades so that you can once again work as a team to kill titans. But you’ve been doing pretty well on your own, and aren’t you making less work for them by killing the ones that are coming directly from the hole in the wall.

Your eyes sweep around, making sure you’re safe for now. There’s really not that many titans. They’re not streaming in endlessly like you thought they would be. Plus, weirdly enough, it seems like they’re not often alone. When you find them, you’ve been finding two or three together, and then leading one away so that you’ll have an easier time killing it.

After all, the real titans aren’t like the ones that you practiced killing in training. Those ones never moved, and were perfectly set up for you to hit their napes. Real titans, however, try to grab you out of the air, and follow you with their big creepy eyes. They try to smack you or pull your wires when you get close to the nape of their necks, and they try to jump at you with their mouths open. 

Real titans are scary as shit.

“Fuck, I’m thirsty,” you breathe out, standing up. Are you going to get in trouble if you head back to where you can see other members of the 104th? The order to retreat hasn’t been called yet, so if you leave the area you’re supposed to be fighting in, is that treason?

Damnit! Why didn’t you pay more attention in class? You’re already not good at note taking or test taking or participating or school in general, and Eren’s stupid face only made it worse…

Eren.

You glance back towards the middle guard again. He wasn’t deploying for a while after you, right? But it’s been a while since you came out to fight, and even more since your team got decimated. Is Eren fighting too, right now? You wonder how many titans he’s killed.

A smile laces your lips. He’s probably having the time of his life, killing titans. Ultimately, this is what he always wanted to do. When you meet up with the rest of your friends again, you’ll apologize to him. Or maybe you’ll just try to talk to him. It doesn’t really matter. You just don’t like having to ignore him.

 

“F/N L/N?” 

Eyes popping open, you whip around as someone lands on the roof in front of you. 

You tilt your head, trying to identify the kid standing a few feet away. His hair is brown, his eyes are brown, too. He’s pretty tall. Have you ever talked to him before, though?

The kid sighs, grinning. “I’m so glad I found you out here. I’ve been alone for like an hour. I was in the team that deployed right after yours- squad 23.”  
Your lips are open. What the hell is his name? “Oh… what happened to your team?”  
His eyes fall to the ground. “Probably the same thing that happened to yours. They’re all dead. I was just lucky to survive.”

“Oh.”

He’s quiet after that.

You glance around again, and spot a four or five meter titan on the street below you. “There’s a titan down there.”  
The kid jumps, his jaw dropping, and you can see his hands start to shake. “Where? Where is it! I don’t see it!”  
Surprised, you take a step back from him. “It’s… it’s right down there.”

How is he this scared or shocked if he’s been out here as long as you have? Hasn’t he seen all the corpses lying around, of civilians and soldiers both? Hasn’t he seen the blood on the streets or sides of walls? And most importantly, hasn’t he seen all the goddamn titans?

The kid is pacing, his first finger and thumb pinching his nose. He’s whispering under his breath, and his other hand is still shaking.

“Hey,” you call out. He pauses to look over at you. “I’m really sorry, but I’m bad with names. I don’t remember yours.”  
“Oh,” he looks surprised. “I sat in front of you in class this past year. I’m Finn Kiesen.”  
You nod, humming. “Okay. Finn. Why are you freaking out over this titan? It can’t even see us up here, it’s so small.”  
He starts trembling again, taking peeks over the edge of the roof to look at it. “I… I don’t know, I just…”  
“If you’ve been out here for so long, haven’t you killed a titan yet? Or at least come close to one?” you’re puzzled, frowning at him. “Or are you just scared of them or something? It’s not really the time for things like that to get to you.”  
“And you’re not scared of them?” Finn fires back, clenching his fists. “I found you just sitting here!”  
You narrow your eyes. “I’ve killed at least three. Forgive me for taking a rest. My question still stands. What were you doing for all this time?”  
The kid avoids your eyes and stills completely. “I was… I was just… I was…”

He trails off, then with a burst of energy, points at you accusingly.

“I was running away, okay? I was fucking running, is that what you wanted to hear? I watched my whole squad get eaten around me, and I was the only one left, and I don’t wanna die! So I ran! I used up almost all my gas to get all the way over here, and I was planning to just get up there on the wall and stick out the rest of this stupid battle! I’m not a good soldier like you, okay? I never made it higher than rank fifty, I’m not good with the maneuver gear! How do you expect me to kill titans?”

You’re fuming. Eyes set ablaze, you stalk forward, sheathing your blades and grabbing Finn’s collar roughly. “You fucking imbecile,” you hiss, leaning in close to his face. His eyes are wavering as he looks down at you. “My whole squad died too, but did I come out here to escape? No, I came out here to fucking kill titans, like we were told to do! Why the fuck did you join the military if you weren’t gonna do what you’re told?”

You shove him away from you, and he stumbles, falling back onto his hands. “You asshole,” you spit. “You really don’t think I was scared because I have a high rank? I’m fucking terrified! I’m scared out of my mind right now! You think I wanna die? You think I don’t care about my life, either? There are people I want to see again too, but that doesn’t give me or you or any of us the excuse to be a fucking coward!” 

“Maybe you don’t want to fight for humanity- that’s fine! I don’t give a shit about humanity! Just fight for yourself, then! Fight for your friends who are out there dying right now! Just fight for something!” Remembering Eren’s words from last night, you stare at Finn Kiesen, gritting your teeth. “If you think we can’t win, are you just going to give up?”

He stares up at you, jaw hanging open in shock. You can see tears welling up in his eyes. “I… I don’t…”

“Fine.” you draw your blades again. “If you want to give up, you can. I won’t stop you, and I won’t report you later, either. But you should be ashamed to call yourself a soldier.”

You run to the edge of the roof and fire off your wires, tracking the titan that had been walking around you earlier. There it is, just ahead, with its back turned to you, too. An easy kill, and a kill you need right now-!

 

“ _Agh!_ ” a scream rips from your throat as a giant, fifteen-meter titan steps out in front of you from a side street you hadn’t noticed. You make sharp, painful jerk to the right to avoid flying directly into its mouth and end up throwing yourself into a tiled roof, skidding across it. 

You stand up quickly, ignoring the throbbing pain in your side. The huge titan wears a large, creepy smile. Just a few enormous, loud steps brings it right up next to you, its shaggy hair close enough to grab.

You scream again, scrambling to fire your wires, but the titan reaches out and slams its hand down, forcing you to just press down on the gas and throw yourself to the other side of the roof. The roof of the building crashes down when the titan’s hand lands on top of it, leaving an open, gaping hole. 

“Y/N!” 

You turn your head as you try to stand up again, and see Finn flying through the air towards you. 

“...No,” you whisper. He told you himself, he’s not good with the maneuver gear. Even if you told him to fight, you weren’t expecting him to try and help you take on a fifteen meter titan.

The titan turns its head too, seemingly distracted for a moment by the new voice and presence. You take the opportunity and grab a new set of blades as the last ones had shattered after you crashed into the roof. Finn lands somewhere nearby, and the titan turns back to you.

With another panicked yelp, you leap from the roof again as the massive hand slams down for a second time. You fire your wires down into the titan’s thigh out of reach of its hands unless it leans down.

“Y/N! What do I do?” Finn’s voice calls down to you.

“Kill it, dumbass!” you holler back, swinging around the giant titan as it slowly begins to crouch in an attempt to grab you. 

You hear the sound of wires firing off, and looking up, see Finn’s figure approaching, his hooks stuck into the shoulder of the titan. 

“Kill it!” you shout again, taking a risky dive towards the back of the titan’s left knee to escape its hand. You cut a slice into its skin, and it buckles slightly. If Finn doesn’t take this chance, you’re going to kill him before you kill the titan. 

“Y/N! Watch out!” 

You barely even hear the desperate call before you feel yourself getting jerked back. Looking wildly around, you see the smaller titan from before, your wire in its hand. 

_Fuck! No!_

What are you supposed to do? You can’t cut your own wire- that’s basically suicide in the battlefield setting- but you can’t kill the thing, can you?

“Y/N!” Finn’s voice screams out, strangled. 

“Kill the big one!” you snap as loud as you can, and draw in the wire that was buried into the fifteen-meter titan’s thigh. You twist around and refire into the smaller titan that’s holding onto your wire and press down on the gas, shooting towards the titan. 

You meet up with its hand, and where your wire is caught, and in a moment of complete fear and desperation, drop one of your blades and stab the other one into the titan’s wrist, dragging it along the length of its arm until you reach the shoulder.

The titan lets out a deafening grunt, and suddenly you’re being thrown through the air, your surroundings moving too fast to even see where you’re going. You have the sense to retract your wires before you smash through a window, and the world goes black.

 

**Present Time**

 

“You dumbass piece of shit!” you shout, and reach up to your collar, ripping the button holding your cloak over your figure to slip out of it. You start falling, but react quickly, yanking your holsters up and firing your wires into a taller building. “You already tried to kill me once, and now again?”

The titan just drops your cloak and reaches out for you again.

_I don’t wanna die, either._

“Did you eat that kid, you asshole?” you shout, evading the titan’s hand. “You fucking mindless freak!” you fire your hooks into the titan, use the momentum to swing around to its backside, and retract them, giving you enough force to drive the last pair of blades you have into the nape of its neck, cutting out a definite chunk of flesh. You quickly refire your wires to bring you back up onto the mostly destroyed roof of the building you were in.

The titan falls, and starts steaming in the rain.

Hands shaking, you start crying again as you watch it. You almost let the stupid thing eat you. 

Shivering, you turn around, looking back at the same place you’d been watching before this whole thing happened. You don’t see anyone flying around this time. Did the retreat bell ring while you were knocked out? How are you supposed to know?

You sigh. There’s no point in staying here anymore. If the higher-ups want to get mad at you for ditching this part of the city, you’ll just take the punishment and move on. It’s not like the Survey Corps will want to deny you, anyway.

You tap the gas tank on each side of your gear, and hear a soft _tink tink_ that tells you you’re running pretty low.   
But you have to get there.  
You’re not going to die.   
And you’re definitely not going to die alone.

 

Across the city, the remaining cadets of the 104th are mostly sitting around on rooftops, looking desolate and hopeless. Out of gas, tired from the long day, and shaken by the horror that had been taking place around them, they have little motivation to keep fighting for their lives. The retreat bell was rung, but climbing the walls is impossible.   
And so many of their friends did not come back.

Sasha clenches her fists. She’s been standing alone, surveying the area, looking for you. But you haven’t shown up, and neither has anyone from your team. Not to mention she knows you deployed super early on compared to her.

But she won’t lose hope. You could be lost, or passed out, or injured and brought back to the walls. There’s no reason to write you off as dead, especially since nobody saw you die, like the people from Armin’s team. 

 

That’s why Sasha is the first to pipe up.

“Let’s do it, guys!” she calls. Nobody responds. “Come on, stand up. If we work together, we’ll be fine! I’ll take the lead, okay?”

She looks around, but her fellow cadets look grim and dark. They avoid her eyes. They don’t speak a word.

Sighing, she doesn’t lose her positive outlook. She glances over and sees Armin, and bounds over to him.

“Armin!” Sasha calls. He… maybe he’ll get his act together. He definitely is the smartest one here. “Let’s all…” but she trails off. Armin’s eyes waver. It looks like he’s reliving everything he went through before.

Sasha sighs again, walking away.  
She wants to fight, she wants to hope for the best! But why is no one else trying?

“Ah, Mikasa!” she breathes out in relief as she sees their most powerful soldier land on the roof beside Annie, Reiner, Bertholdt, and Marco. They talk, and then Annie seems to point Mikasa to Armin.

Sasha watches in curiosity as Mikasa approaches the boy, which only seems to set off his horror more. Armin starts crying, gripping his own clothes while shaking intensely.

“The members of Trainee Corps team 34,” Armin starts, looking to the sky. “Thomas Wagner, Nack Tias, Milius Zermusky, Mina Carolina… Eren Jaeger!” 

Sasha shrinks back subconsciously as Armin says the name she was fearing for most. Who knows what Mikasa’s reaction will be?

“These five died valiantly in the field of duty!”

“No…” Sasha whispers to herself. Hearing it said like that… like a fact. Something that cannot change and won’t ever change. It makes things different. It makes her wonder… will you ever come back? Are you… did you die in the field of duty, like Eren?

The cadets around her start whispering and talking immediately in despair. Questions of if that will happen to them too. 

Sasha turns her head, looking out over the expanse of the city. There’s not a single person in sight from here. 

“Y/N…” she mumbles. “Are you out there?”

 

You’re traveling slowly. Far, far more slowly than you ever do on the maneuver gear. You’ve been avoiding the titans rather than killing them, but with the rain stopping, you have to be even quieter to avoid catching their attention. You definitely don’t have the gas to be maneuvering around titans who are trying to kill you.

Stopping on the roof of the tallest building you could see, you peer out through the city, and are shocked to find that cadets are actually in the air this time.

“Does that mean…” you look back over your shoulder at the wall. Should you just turn around and go there? Why would they be in the air if not to retreat to the wall?

But… looking closer, they’re heading towards you, not towards Wall Rose. Why? Unless the retreat wasn’t signaled, and they’re all just continuing the fight. But it doesn’t make sense- how could there still be civilians around by now? You can’t see the gate from here, but there’s no way an evacuation is going on if hours have passed, which by the placing of the sun in the sky, you can tell they have.

Wait…

You tap on your gas canisters again.

You hadn’t been using as much gas, because of the time you spent passed out. Even before that, you’d gotten more confident in maneuvering around real titans and were able to start maneuvering in your typical gas-conserving style. But your comrades, they may have been fighting actively longer than you, or covering more distance.

And the only place to fill up on gas is in the military HQ you’d initially been deployed from, in the center of the city.

“Goddamnit!” you snap, leaning against the railing of this building’s roof. You had enough gas to climb the wall before, but you definitely don’t now. Your only choice is to attempt to make it to the HQ, unless you want to risk staying out here alone. 

No.  
You don’t want to even risk dying by yourself.

Heaving a deep sigh, you fire off your wires in the direction of the headquarters, praying you have enough luck and gas to make it there.

 

Jean holds his blades with a deathly grip, his teeth clenched so tight they’re starting to hurt. He watches his comrades get feasted on by the group of titans below him in disgust. But not at them.

At himself.

How could he do this? How could he lead so many of his friends- the people he spent three years training with- to their deaths? Not to mention all the people he’d seen die earlier, too. Or the people he hadn’t.

Or you.

He’d been with you when one of the captains of the Garrison told you they were transferring you to a unit deploying earlier to help support the vanguard. Looking regretful, the captain told you it was because of your rank- that the team of trainees was made up of only low ranks, and they needed someone that they could rely on. 

If only Jean had been one rank higher… if he had paid closer attention in class, or shot a bullseye on the shooting exam, or killed one more mock titan on the final…

Maybe he’d have been in that squad instead of you.  
And maybe you’d be alive.

 

The squelching sounds of the titans’ chewing stirs Jean’s stomach, and he almost turns to throw up, but something stops him. 

That day… when you’d fought in hand-to-hand combat. You started laughing like a crazy person, looking over at him with your messy hair and flushed cheeks.   
And later on, when he helped you carry Sasha back to the girls’ dorm. Where did you learn that kind of advice living in Wall Sina?

_“But we were just sparring. It wasn’t real life. If it had been, it would’ve been a different ending.”_   
_“Combat has a lot to do with context.”_

Isn’t that all this is? It’s real life, it’s not just play fighting. The Jean of the cadet corps would have been horrified to consider using his comrades’ deaths as an opportunity. But if combat has to do with context, then the context of this situation is that they need an opening…  
And this is it. 

“Now!” he shouts, turning to face the remnants of the cadet corps. “We run into HQ right now!”

Without another word, he jumps off the roof onto the one below and starts running, trying to get a head start.

_This is our only chance… once we run out of gas, its over._

“Full speed ahead!” he shouts, hoping the others hear him.

 

“What the hell?” you stumble to a stop atop a roof much closer to the headquarters, and immediately wince at your ankle, which has been bothering you since you got out from under the rubble and killed that titan.

But that’s not what you’re shocked about.

Instead, you’re shocked by the sight of a big, fifteen meter class titan body slamming another large titan into a house. The thing is covered in muscles, which you’ve never seen before, and it also looks like it’s being… led. Led by three cadets, whose faces you can’t make out, to the headquarters.

“What are they thinking?” you shake your head in confusion, firing off your wires and continuing towards them and the big abnormal titan.

You’ve managed to curve around to the other side of the headquarters, perpendicular to the path that your comrades are taking. There’s a ton of titans around here, which you assume has to do with the large concentration of people inside the HQ. You don’t think the supply team has left once since the start of the battle.

A giant shadow appears over your head, and you manage to dart out of the way of a titan’s hand just in time to get sprayed with gravel and splinters of wood. 

You quickly shoot off in the direction of the headquarters, weaving through more titans than you’ve had to this whole time. They’re everywhere you look- multiple down just this one street, and on every corner, too. You can feel your breathing quicken as your anxiety heightens.

What if you don’t make it?

“Agh!” 

You drop from your high altitude unexpectedly, landing on what is luckily a flat rooftop, but unluckily, on your right foot, which buckles as soon as it touches the surface of the roof.

You gasp out another strangled cry as the pain worsens tenfold in your ankle, but you don’t even have time to check and see what’s wrong with it. You must have fallen out of the air because you’ve run out of gas, and a quick tap on your canisters confirms that.

“Shit!” you try to stand, but stumble immediately. You’re so close. You can even see a bunch of people smashing through the second-story windows of the headquarters. 

The groan of a titan from behind spurs you into action. You force yourself to stand through the pain and jump down from the roof you’re on to the lower one below, running across it even as fresh tears spring to your eyes. You don’t think you’ve ever been in so much pain.  
But you don’t want to die.

You look around frantically, thankfully not seeing that titan around you. The next building in line is a tall one. Heaving panicked breaths, you back up to get a running start and then sprint, jumping at the last second to crash through an open window and into what appears to be a hotel room. 

You pause, gritting your teeth to keep in a delirious scream of pain as your ankle throbs.

“I don’t want to die,” you wheeze, the pitch of your voice high and squeaky from trying to control your volume. “I don’t want to die.”

With that, you limp out of the room and find yourself in a center staircase which winds up, hopefully to the roof. You take the chance and start climbing, trying your hardest not to walk on your right foot at all.

At the top of the staircase is a door labelled ‘Roof Access - Staff Only’. You try the doorknob, but of course, it’s locked.

Swearing under your breath, you look around, but there’s nothing useful to be seen. Your hands are shaking. If you don’t get outside where those three cadets can see you, you’ll have no chance to get to the headquarters. If they make it inside before you get their attention, it’ll be ages before they clear the place of titans and are able to come to your rescue.   
Long enough that by the time they’re able to try, you’ll be dead.

You draw one of your dull blades and cry out in frustration, leaning back with it in both hands and bringing it down around the doorknob desperately.

“Please!” you cry, pulling it out and driving it into the wood again. “Please! I don’t want to die!”

You twist the blade, more tears springing up in relief when the wood cracks. You yank it out and drive it in one more time, falling onto the paved roof sobbing as the door swings open.

A roar unlike any you’ve heard before sounds from nearby, causing you to jump to your feet, leaning on the wall of the roof access door to support yourself.

 

You can finally make out who are guiding the titan this way, and only start crying harder.

“Mikasa!” you shout, limping out to a more open area of the roof. “ _Mikasa!_ Help! Connie! Armin!”

The girl’s head snaps towards you despite how far away she is, and she immediately lands, gesturing for Connie, who’s carrying Armin, to join her. How are they supposed to rescue you when they are already supporting one person?  
You watch as Connie sets Armin down and they start talking, probably about how to get to you. 

You shake your head.  
You’ll just have to make it easier for them.

You scope out where you can get to from here. Wiping away your tears, you decide on the building at a diagonal to you. It’s the only one without a titan in the way, and it’s far below you in height.

You fire out your wires, but since you have no gas to propel you, you just jump off the edge of the roof, swinging through the air until you hit the tiled roof of this smaller building, unable to hold in your scream of pain.

“Y/N! Stay there!” you hear Connie shout. You try to stand up, but fall right back over. Maybe your ankle has had enough.

The same haunting groan from earlier rings off from your right. You turn your head slowly, finding a bearded face exactly at eye level. Time seems to slow down as you stare at it.

“Please,” you whisper, your voice nothing more than a hoarse shell at this point. “Please, please don’t kill me.”

 

_“Y/N, when you’re in a hard situation, you can always pray to the walls.” Miss Hastings tells you with a smile you doubt is genuine. She pats your head. “Remember, Maria will help you in times of need. Rose will help you when you have committed sin, and want to repent. Sina will help you when you are fearful or struggling in desperation.”_

“Why am I remembering that now?” you whisper to yourself. “...Should I pray? Does that mean I’ll go to heaven after this?”

_“But I thought they’re just walls,” you tilt your head, confused._   
_Miss Hastings chuckles, a tinkling, sickly sound. “They’re more than just walls, my dear. They protect us from the titans. That’s why we have to be thankful, even if we’re down here in the underground.”_

Shaking, the tears still streaming down your face, you duck your head and squeeze your eyes shut, clasping your hands together and pressing them to your forehead, the ringing in your ears returning loudly. 

You start murmuring one of the prayers you haven’t recited in three or four years, the one that addresses all three of the walls and asks for help. You don’t stop even as you shriek out one of the phrases when you can feel the weight of the titan’s hand over you. There’s nothing you can do now.

 

But the same unique roar from before now threatens to blow out your ears, and even your hair flies behind you at the intense wind and steam that hits you at the same time that the roar sounds.

The prayer falls silent on your lips when you open your eyes and look up, finding that giant muscular aberrant brawling with the titan that was just about to eat you. Your jaw drops. 

“Y/N! I can’t believe you’re alive!” Connie lands in front of you, but you don’t even spare him a glance, too shocked by the sight of this titan killing another titan right in front of you. “Okay, I know that’s crazy, but we need to go right now! I’m seriously on one percent of my gas!”

Gulping, you snap out of your reverie and nod, grabbing the hand your friend has extended for you and practically falling onto his shoulder as he pulls you to your feet.

“Woah, you okay?” Connie steadies you. “Do you have any gas left?”  
“Dumbass, if I did,” you stop to heave a desperate gasp, throat still feeling choked up from how much you’d cried. “Would I have been jumping from hotel to hotel by foot to try to get to the HQ?”  
“Good point,” Connie nods. “I guess I’ll have to carry you, then. Can you piggyback?”  
“Sure,” you wipe at your eyes as he turns around, and jump up on his back, wrapping your arms around his waist.

You press your cheek against Connie’s back as he fires off his wires towards Mikasa and Armin, who have started on their way again, with the aberrant following quickly behind you, its heavy footsteps shaking the ground. 

“Almost there!” Connie says as the two of you follow behind Mikasa. “Shit, there’s two in front of the windows at this angle!”

His cry of concern is cut short by another enormous, deafening roar. The aberrant titan sprints towards the two big titans which seem to have broken the wall of the second story with their faces. It’s massive fist plunges into the side of the left one’s face, crumpling the titan’s head without effort.

“Holy shit,” Connie breathes as the two titans go flying down the street and the aberrant roars again.

“Okay, get ready Y/N!”   
You nod against your friend’s back as he retracts his wires, using all the momentum he has to follow Mikasa through the windows she smashed, leaving you to land roughly and painfully on the floor, sliding a few feet because of your extra force.

You can’t help but cry out, shoving Connie away from you and sitting up to yank your right boot off, gasping again at how much just that hurt.

 

“Y/N! Mikasa! You’re both alive!”

Your hands tremble as you look up to see Jean standing just a few feet away, next to Mikasa, Armin, and Connie. 

“Everyone!” Connie shouts, and you realize there’s a bunch of other people down the hall. “That titan is an aberrant that kills other titans! It isn’t even interested in us, we can use it to escape!”

“Use the titan?” a cadet on the other end of the hall asks, sounding skeptical.  
“A titan helping us?” Jean’s eyes are wide. “That sounds like a dream-”  
“It’s not a dream.” Mikasa cuts in, her face set. “I don’t care if it’s an aberrant or what. We need it to stay here, and keep fighting. That is our most realistic chance for survival.”

A hush falls over the corps. 

“Well, that’s fine.” Jean sighs, running a hand through his hair. He glances over at you. “Everyone take a minute to relax and tend to your injuries while we can. It’s gonna be rough after this.”

 

“Y/N!” a wail cuts through the momentary silence created by Jean’s statement, but as soon as the voice sounds out, everyone is sighing in relief, sliding down to sit, and talking. 

“Sasha!” you finally, _finally_ are able to smile through your tears as your closest friend comes reeling down the length of the room to sloppily slide down to your level and grab you, squeezing the life out of your waist. “I’m so glad to see you.”  
“Me? I’m glad to see you! I thought you were dead!” she exclaims, pulling back and looking you in the eyes. “How did you even get here? Where were you that whole time?”

“I’m curious, too,” Jean says, walking over. He frowns down at you, gesturing with his head to the bare foot you have sitting on top of your boot. “What happened with that?”

“Jean! Connie! Armin!” a cadet you recognize as rank 16, Daniel Grossberg, runs up. “We think you should come check out the supply room, we need to figure out how to get rid of the titans in there!”

Jean sighs, wiping at his brow, and looks at the other two boys called on.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Connie sighs too, then with a click, drops his scabbards on the ground. “But I’m done carrying that shit for a while.”  
“Good idea,” Jean chuckles. “Tell me later, Y/N.” he directs at you as he takes off his gear, then leads Armin and Connie away. 

You watch Jean leave in wonder. “What… happened to Jean?”  
“Huh?” Sasha frowns. “What do you mean?”  
“He’s different,” you shrug, then wince, because that hurts. “He’s like, the leader or something.”  
“I guess so…” Sasha nods.

“Y/N.” 

You look up, and there she is.

“Mikasa,” you breathe, smiling again. You hadn’t had the chance to greet her yet. But as you see her standing there, your smile begins to shift to a frown. You’ve seen Mikasa, and you’ve seen Armin, so where’s...? 

“Guys, where’s Eren?” you ask, sitting up higher and looking around at the faces of the cadets around you.

Sasha stills next to you, which sends an immediate chill down your spine.

Mikasa drops her gear down and sits down next to you, leaning back against the wall with a heavy sigh and dropping her head on your shoulder. “Eren…” she starts, but as you look over, her eyes seem to be staring into the distance, or maybe into her memories.   
“Don’t say it,” you cut in, squeezing your hands tightly into fists. _Don’t tell me that Eren-_  
“Eren is dead.” Mikasa says, her voice sounding totally empty. 

Your breath stops, and everything feels cold

“How…” you’re in shock for what feels like the millionth time today. Eren. Eren. How can he be dead?

The same Eren? Eren Jaeger? Eren who was desperate to take on even the Colossal Titan, Eren who was fearless in the face of danger, Eren who... who _died_ on bad terms with you because of something so stupid, something that you didn't even stand for...

You shut your eyes, desperate to see his face as you remember it. He smiles at you in class, his handsome, boyish grin making your heart beat faster. His skin is tan and shining golden in the afternoon light during combat training. His eyes are deep and green as he looks at you during dinner. His warm hand sitting on top of your head as he ruffles your hair. His voice, full of life, calling your name-

“Eren…” your voice comes out croaky and tight.   
“He died saving Armin’s life,” Sasha explains, sounding somber.   
“Let’s stop talking about it.” Mikasa says. You glance at her again, and she looks less lost. “We can mourn him later. Tell us what happened to you, Y/N.”

“Right, tell us,” Sasha nods and slumps down at your other side, grabbing your hand and lacing her fingers through yours. “Jean told me you deployed like three hours ago, but I haven’t seen you since the Colossal Titan showed up.”

You’re still thinking about Eren, not able to comprehend the fact that he’s really gone. If Armin was there, and saw it, there’s nothing more to say.  
He’s never coming back.  
“Y/N?” Sasha prods you.

You bite your lip. Like Mikasa said, you can mourn him later. 

“Well…” you sigh, eyes falling down to look at your hand intertwined with Sasha’s. “It’s a long story.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably the wildest chapter yet. reader goes through some major shit. feel free to comment, and next chapter coming soon!


	11. eleven - ringer

“Thanks, Marco,” you wince while you thank the boy. He ties off the makeshift splint on your ankle, then gives it a little tug to make sure it’s secure.  
“No problem, Y/N. You went through a lot today.” Marco smiles at you, then offers you a hand, pulling you up to your feet. “Just be careful and don’t step on it. If you were running and jumping around on a broken ankle, that means you probably pulled a bunch of ligaments on top of it.”  
“Uh-huh,” you don’t know what he’s talking about. You never paid attention in basic medical training, either.

“Well, I’m off to go help Jean break into the Military Police storage room,” Marco sighs. “Not that I would ever do this if it weren’t for the situation.”  
“Marco, I’m not someone you should worry about judging you for doing illegal things,” you tell him, then shut your mouth. Did you just say that to a kid who loves the King and the law?  
But Marco just laughs. “Sure thing, Y/N! Be careful, okay!” he walks off, leaving you to lean against the wall alone. 

“Y/N,” Mikasa appears to your left and takes your hand gently. “Come sit with me.”

She leads you to sit down beside Armin, who is poring over a map of the compound. He seems to be in deep thought.

“I’m really happy you’re safe, Y/N,” Mikasa says softly, surprising you. The whole time you’d been telling her and Sasha what you’d been through today, only Sasha was making comments or reacting. Mikasa had been eerily silent.  
“...I’m happy you are, too.” you tell her, setting your hand on top of hers. “We have to stick together from now on.”

 _Now that Eren’s gone,_ you think, and she must think it too, because her eyes fall to her lap. 

“Yeah, we do,” she murmurs.

 

“We found it!” Jean’s loud voice calls all the attention to him, including yours. “This is military police stuff. It was totally covered in dust.”

Him and the other cadets who went in there set down the large boxes and open them up, finding only a bunch of guns.

“Hm, shotguns… the bullets are scatter shots.” Marco says as he picks one up.  
Jean picks up another, kneeling right in front of you. He loads a few rounds. “Are scatter shots really enough? Will these really be of any use against titans?”

Everyone is quiet for a moment, until Armin speaks up.

“I think they’re a lot better than nothing,” he says, with confidence. “If there are still only seven 3 to 4 meter titans in the supply room, even this may be enough firepower to blind them all at once.

“First, we’ll use the lift to lower a large number of people through the central ceiling. They’ll fire into the faces of the titans to blind them. And then, the next instant will be critical.”

He looks around, and you notice that his eyes pause on the members of the top ten present. 

“Seven people will be hidden among the ceiling beams. They will have to strike the blinded titans in a coordinated ambush. In other words, this plan, and all of our lives, will depend on that one strike. Those seven must kill seven titans at the same time, with a single strike.”

Armin glances over at you and Mikasa. “The seven will be those of us whose skills give us the best chance, but… I’m sorry to make them bear the weight of everyone’s lives.”

“It’s all right,” Reiner says, his voice enough to make you feel better. There’s nobody you trust more than Reiner to support the team.  
Annie nods. “No matter who goes, everyone dies if we fail.”

 _Wow, very comforting,_ you think sarcastically. Well, leave it to Annie to say something like that. 

“But is the plan I came up with even the best one?” Armin looks down. It’s clear that he’s doubting himself.  
“It’s our only option,” Marco says with a smile, but you can see he looks a little strained. “There’s no time to come up with another plan, and this one seems fine. We just have to give it our all!”  
“It sounds good, Armin,” you add on, smiling at the boy. He’s been through a lot today, too.  
“It’s fine,” Mikasa affirms. “Have confidence in yourself. You’re good at finding the right solution. That has saved both Eren and I before.”  
“Huh?” Armin looks confused, which makes you wonder what Mikasa is talking about. “When was that?”

“Well, should we just clarify who’s going?” Jean stands after setting the rifle he loaded back into the box.  
“I thought it was obvious,” Annie rolls her eyes. “Mikasa, Reiner, Bert, me, Y/N, Jean, and Marco.”  
“I was thinking Marco would stay with the lift,” Armin says, standing up.  
“What?” Marco looks surprised. “Why?”  
“You’re the class valedictorian in terms of shooting and firearms,” Armin explains. “You have the best instincts out of everyone, and you’ll be reliable enough to give the signal on when to shoot.” he cringes, rubbing the back of his neck. “At least, that’s what I think.”

Marco looks conflicted, and glances between Armin and Jean. “That’s fine, but then Connie has to sub in for me.”  
“I’m fine with it,” Connie nods sharply. “Don’t worry about me, Marco.”  
“Okay then,” Marco picks up the rifle he’d been holding by his side. “I’ll stay with the lift.”

“So then, Mikasa, Reiner, Bert, me, Y/N, Jean, and Connie?” Annie asks to confirm.

“Definitely not,” Jean snaps, and points at you, surprising you. “Her foot is broken, you guys really think she can do this?”  
“I can!” you clamber to your feet with Mikasa’s help. “I’m good!”  
Marco gives you a disbelieving look. “Jean’s right, Y/N. You should sit this one out and come on the lift. You’re a good shot, too.”  
“But…” you look over at Sasha, whose expression is unusually serious. “I’m the most reliable person to do this right now. If it’s for everyone’s survival, I don’t mind hurting my ankle more.”  
“But there’s no need for you to do that when we have Sasha,” Jean points out, giving you a hard look. “Are you trying to sacrifice yourself or something?”  
“No, I just-”

“Okay, final line up: Mikasa, Reiner, Bert, me, Jean, Connie, Sasha. Any objections?” Annie snaps, sounding fed up.

You look away, sighing.

“Alright, the lift’s ready!” Daniel calls out, the door to the lift coming down a few feet away. “The guns, too! Everyone grab one!”

“Here.” a gun is shoved into your hands, making you lose your balance. “Oh shit,” Jean says, grabbing your shoulders to steady you. “Forgot about your ankle.”  
“Right after you just lectured me in front of everyone?” you tilt your head, talking with an edge.  
Jean sighs, not removing his hands. “Listen, I… I thought you were dead, Y/N. Can you let me protect you, just this once?”

Your lips fall open in surprise. “I…”  
“I gotta go.” Jean squeezes your shoulders quickly, then leaves without another word. Mikasa has also left your side.

 

You turn to see Marco standing at the front and center of the lift, telling everyone where to stand. With another heavy sigh, you hobble over, accepting Daniel’s hand helping you get over the hole between the solid floor and the bottom of the lift.

“Y/N! I need you on the left side, in the center.” Marco directs you. You nod, giving him the thumbs up, and settle in between two other girls, leaning against the edge of the lift and quickly checking your gun over to make sure Jean did everything right. 

“Everyone in?” Daniel asks.  
“Yeah, we’re good,” Marco replies, looking the group inside the lift over.  
Daniel nods, and him and the guy on the other side of the lift’s door haul it off the ground and secure it, allowing the people assigned to that side to take their places.

Someone checks the chains suspending the lift one last time, and then Marco gives Daniel the signal to let you all down. 

“Cadets, take your positions!” Marco shouts as soon as the lift starts moving.

You turn around and crouch down on your left foot, cringing at putting any weight on your other side as you rest the forestock of the rifle on the edge of the lift, providing the starting point for everyone to match.

“Fingers off the triggers, everyone! Wait until the titans are in sight!”  
“Safety off, Marco?” someone calls.  
“Yes, safety off.” he calmly replies.

A shiver runs down your spine. You can’t believe you’re doing this. 

“Shit,” one of the girls beside you whispers, her hands shaking.  
“It’ll be fine,” you tell her quietly, meeting her eyes. They’re green, bright green.

Kind of like Eren’s.

She nods and huffs, resolving herself.

It starts to feel more real as soon as you emerge from the vertical tunnel and actually stop seven feet above ground in the supply chamber. 

“It’s all good,” you hear Marco’s soft voice. “Their numbers haven’t changed.” 

“Everyone, set!” he says, followed by a chorus of people adjusting their guns. You don’t move, but just slide your finger over the trigger, the butt of the gun digging into your shoulder, your cheek pressed close to it as you watch through the sight. “We’re still a go.” Marco’s voice is almost a comfort to you. If he’s here, you’ll be fine. Marco always knows what he’s doing when it comes to the firing range.  
Even if this isn’t the firing range at all.

The first titan approaches, walking past your side of the lift and stopping in front of Marco’s end. It turns with a grim and creepy smile, clearly scaring the shit out of someone who gasps.

“Keep calm!” Marco commands. “We have to draw them in!”

The titan takes another pounding step. 

“Wait,” says Marco.

The girl beside you with the green eyes trembles again, a small yelp escaping her lips.

“Don’t worry,” you say, not moving an inch. “He’s got it.”

The titans start encroaching, the boom of their footsteps shaking the lift slightly, drowning out any other sound. One comes right up to you, its face giving you flashbacks to this morning and all the titans you’ve encountered so far.

“Ready,” you hear Marco’s voice as the titans settle in their spots, the tension thick. 

The muzzle of your gun is less than a foot away from the titan’s eyeball.

 _Come on, Marco,_ you think, feeling a little nervous as the girl starts shaking again.

 

“ _Fire!_ ”

The room explodes into sounds of bursting and popping. The darkness is suddenly illuminated by the firing of so many guns at one time, smoke and bright yellow specks of light filling up your vision. 

You can see Mikasa drop down from the beams, and the titan in front of you falls quickly. 

Looking around, you see four other titans fall, but the two that were standing in front of Marco haven’t.

“No,” you mutter, eyes widening in horror when you see who’s on the ground in front of them. “Sasha!”

“I’m sorry!” Sasha shrieks as the titan in front of her dives. She throws herself to avoid it, but almost as quickly as the nightmare began, it ended: Mikasa and Annie like some kind of super soldiers cut down the two titans within an instant. 

“Mikasa!” Sasha wails. You turn the safety on your gun and set it down as you watch her run up to your other friend, grabbing her jacket and crying. 

“We got them all!” Jean calls up to you all in the lift, a proud smile lining his features. “Begin the resupply!”

“Thank God,” the girl with the green eyes breathes out beside you, slumping over onto the lift. “I thought we were done for.”

You chuckle, catching Marco’s eye and giving him another thumbs up. He grins back, and then falls back in a semi-faint, Armin and Riana on either side of him catching him.

“Oh, shit,” you whisper, hands coming up to your mouth. “You okay, Marco?” you call out, walking across the lift as it gets lowered down to the floor.  
“Yeah,” he hums, eyes fluttering between open and shut. “I’m great.”

 

“I’m so embarrassed, Y/N!” Sasha cries out as she finishes filling up her gas canisters beside you. You’re still holding yours to the pump, so you just give her a sidelong glance. “I accepted defeat before the titans!”  
“We can talk shit about you all you want later, but let’s get out of here first!” Connie snaps, giving her a harsh look.  
“Hey big guy, you chickened out, too,” you remind him, feeling the need to defend Sasha. 

Connie slides down till he’s sitting. “Ah come on, Y/N! I saved your life earlier and you’re going to do this to me now?”  
“Oh, right,” you nod, then wince at the pain in your head. Anyway, you kind of had forgotten that Connie was the one to pick you up and not Mikasa. “Thanks for that.”

“I’m really sorry for saying this, Y/N, but I wish you hadn’t been injured! You definitely wouldn’t have failed like me.” Sasha throws her arms around your neck. “I’m so ashamed.”  
“We don’t know what would have happened if it had been me instead,” you tell her, sealing off the top of your canisters and shifting around so that your ankle is more comfortable. “Either way, here I am walking around with one bare foot, also ashamed.”

“You shouldn’t be ashamed of that,” Connie rolls his eyes. “That came from some intense survival instincts. I was shocked when I saw you jumping around without any gas.”  
“I had to,” you frown, looking down. “In the moment, I was really afraid. Not of dying, but of dying alone. I couldn’t think of anything else but getting to you all. Even if we had been killed in here, it would have been better than getting eaten out there by myself.”

 _Like Finn Kiesen._

“I won’t let you die alone, Y/N,” Sasha squeezes you tighter, making you wince once again. “You won’t let me die alone either, right?”  
“You’re not going to die for a long time, Sasha.” you pat her back. “Now let’s get ready to go.”

 

“You really planning on climbing the wall with a broken ankle?” Jean gives you a skeptical look as the two of you stand by the exit of the headquarters, waiting for everyone to be ready.  
“Yes.” you say flatly.  
Jean sighs, shaking his head. “What is up with you? You hate asking for help, don’t you?”  
“Are you trying to say you want me to ask you for help?” you smirk, feeling the opportunity to tease him. “That’s kind of kinky, Jean-”  
“Hey!” he snaps, pressing his hand over your mouth. “Keep your mouth shut, people are starting to respect me!”  
You laugh and he removes his hand, wiping it on his pants. “Just kidding.”

Jean sighs again and looks around. “Seems like everyone’s getting there.” he glances at the door. “I really hope this goes well.”  
“What else can you hope for?” you ponder, leaning back on the doorframe. “As long as we make it out alive, I’d call this a success.”  
“We like you and me, or everyone?” Jean clenches his jaw when you look up with surprise. “I tried so hard to protect the people closest to me, and that caused some of our other comrades to die.”

You bite your lip, unsure of what you should say to comfort him. After all, this whole leadership thing has kind of been pushed on him based on what you’ve heard from Sasha. 

“Don’t we all do that, Jean?” you sigh, shutting your eyes and tipping your head back. “I watched my whole team die within five minutes. It was so fucked up and scary and disgusting… and after they were all dead and I killed the titan that killed two of them, I just thought about surviving so that I could see you all again.” you open your eyes to find Jean staring at you, brows drawn together. “My team was never my priority, even if it sounds terrible. I just wanted to find my friends and protect them.”

“...I’m sorry.”

Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “For what?”  
Jean frowns, looking sad. “I’m sorry you had to see that. That’s…”  
“I hope this doesn’t sound too nonchalant, but what can we do about it now?” you chew on your bottom lip. “I tried to save them, but…”

Jean’s hand lands on top of your head like it did that one time so long ago. Meeting his eyes, they’re serious, but full of despair. “We’ll make it out of this, and go to Wall Sina tomorrow. You’ll never have to see another comrade die again.”

You just stare back, not knowing how to react.  
Should you tell him?  
That you’re not going to Wall Sina at all?

“Jean!” Marco’s peppy voice leads Jean to draw his hand back and turn to the freckled  
boy. “It looks like everyone is all set to go.”  
“Good,” Jean nods. “Everyone!” he shouts, drawing his blades and holding one up above him. “Are you ready? Let’s get out of here!”

He pushes the door open, and people start filing out, cheering. “We’ll all head out together! Scale the walls! Rendezvous with the rest of the army! Go!”

You get pulled out first with Marco so as not to get trapped in the crowd with your injured ankle in a dangerous position, but hesitate to take off with the 3DMG, feeling like you shouldn’t go by yourself.

 

You see Armin come out and then stop just a couple feet away from you, looking up at something. Curious, you follow the direction of his eyes and see Mikasa standing on top of a nearby roof, back to you all. You frown as Bertholdt and Reiner also stop to look at her, and decide to follow Armin when he fires his wires to meet her on the rooftop.

“Mikasa! We have to go!” Armin tells your friend as the both of you land, you cringing at the immediate pain in your foot.  
“Yeah, what are you looking at-” you’re cut off by the exact sight she was staring at.  
“That titan…” her voice is soft.

The aberrant that was killing all the titans and essentially saved all of your lives is standing tall, but surrounded by a bunch of other titans crawling and grabbing onto it, gnawing on its flesh.

“Cannibalism?” Armin frowns as the titan seems to shake and let out a more pitiful roar in comparison to how grand it sounded before. “Can it not regenerate its body?”

“If we can figure out the mystery behind that titan…” Mikasa’s eyes are serious. “It may give us a way to overcome this predicament.”

You turn your head as you hear the sound of multiple other people landing beside the three of you, finding Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, and Jean.

“I agree,” Reiner says. “If it gets eaten, we won’t learn anything. Let’s try to keep it alive by killing the ones clinging to it.”

“Are you insane, Reiner?” Jean exclaims, and throws you a pointed glare. “We have the chance to get out of here, and there’s a lot of injured people among us!”  
“What if it’s able to help us?” Annie asks, but sounds monotone. “Could it not become a stronger weapon than anything we have right now? It seems worth the risk.”  
“H-help us?” Jean stammers, his jaw hanging open. “Are you serious?”

“Hey guys, wait,” Armin’s voice is shaky as he points down the street. A tall, fifteen meter titan pounds towards the aberrant getting eaten. “That’s… that’s the titan that ate Thomas.” 

With those words, the aberrant rips itself from the grasps of the smaller titans and lets out another mighty roar, sprinting down the street with such heavy footfalls that the roof under your feet trembles. It has lost its arms, but the muscled titan throws itself at the one who supposedly killed Thomas and latches its large jaw over its nape and then hauling it over its own head like a sack of potatoes. It starts using the titan as a sort of weapon, swinging it at the other titans that approach it, until it rips out the nape and drops the titan onto the ground.

Did it just...?  
It almost looked like as Armin recognized that one titan, the aberrant did too.  
It's almost like the aberrant _went after_ it.

“Come on, guys,” Jean’s voice is quiet, shocked. “It doesn’t need help.”

But the aberrant, almost like it had heard him say that, lets out what feels like a final roar, and topples to the ground, face first. 

You all watch, eyes wide and mouths hanging open. What just happened?

“I guess it finally tired itself out.” Jean comments. “That’s it- we’re finally leaving!” then, in a lower voice, “That thing couldn’t possibly help us, titans are still titans.”

He moves to grab your arm, but you hold your feet down so that he can’t pull you away, intensely focused on the sight of the aberrant on the ground beginning to release steam. Your breathing quickens as you see the nape of its neck begin to peel away, something clearly inside of it.

“What is it? Come on, Y/N, you need to-” Jean stops talking. 

Because freeing himself from what looks like tendrils of hot flesh in the nape of the titan’s neck, is none other than Eren Jaeger.

“Eren,” his name leaves your lips in a passing wonder. If he had been eaten… how… he was inside the titan all along? He had… he had been there to save you. 

 

Mikasa runs down the side of the roof and fires off her wires immediately. You move to follow her, but Jean’s grip on your arm tightens. You look up at him, and his jaw is tight as he stares down at Eren and Mikasa, the steam becoming so thick around them that they start to fade out of sight. “Just wait, Y/N.” he tells you quietly.

The six of you there on the roof give Mikasa a minute, hearing her sob loudly in the absolute silence of the aftermath. 

“I’ll help her bring him up here,” Reiner tells you all, and fires his wires down. 

The rest of you are quiet, and you’re still staring in amazement. 

_He’s not dead._  
Just that thought lifts your spirits enough that you couldn’t care less that you’re still in immense pain, or that you’ve seen enough death and destruction today to last the rest of your life.  
Eren isn’t dead.

“Everyone,” Jean calls, getting the other four’s attention. “Let’s head up to the top of HQ. We can figure out what happened with Eren there.”

Annie nods, Bertholdt and Armin following her as she fires off her wires, deftly maneuvering to the highest balcony of the headquarters.

“Y/N,” Jean turns you so that you’re facing each other. “I want you to head back to the wall.”  
“Huh?” you yank your arm out of his grip and grit your teeth. “You’re crazy if you think I’m not gonna be there when Eren wakes up. He needs support right now, he just came back from the freaking grave!”  
“I’m serious.” he looks it too as he stares down at you. “You might have a concussion, too. You probably didn’t notice, but you’ve been tripping over your feet a lot and you keep grabbing your head like it hurts.”

This draws only silence from you, because he might be right. You’ve had a massive headache since you woke up, and you’ve been playing off your dizziness as your usual rocky landings. 

“I just…” you bite your lip, glancing back down to where Reiner is carefully cutting away the flesh bonding Eren to the titan.  
“I get it, you want to see him.” Jean also looks down in that direction. “But he’s alive now, so you need to worry about yourself. You and Eren can talk about titans all you want later.”  
You face him again, head spinning. “I… fine.”  
Jean sighs, sounding relieved. “Good. Can you get back by yourself? There’s still titans around, so…”  
“I’m good, I’m fine,” you tell him, and start walking towards the other end of the roof where you’ll have to take off from. “See? I’m good-” you stumble, dropping to your knees and immediately gasping in pain.

“Shit, Y/N-” Jean is by your side in an instant, helping you up and holding your arms to support you as you clutch your head, groaning in pain.  
“You made it worse because you brought it up!” you snap at him, squeezing your eyes shut.

“Jean!” Reiner’s voice calls, but you don’t bother to look. “We got Eren, should we go up there with Annie?”  
“Yeah,” Jean says back. “I’m gonna take Y/N to the wall, I think she has a concussion.”  
“Okay, see you back there later,” Reiner says, and you hear the sound of gas firing off.

“Hey,” Jean says softly, leaning close to your face. “Do you want me to carry you?”  
“Is that seriously your kink or something?” you groan, grabbing his arm with one hand. The spinning, dizzy feeling is only getting worse, even with your eyes closed.

“Can you shut up about that?” he mutters, then without warning, hauls you up into his arms in a bridal position.  
“Hey!” you try to smack his arm, but miss and hit his cheek instead.  
“God fucking damnit, Y/N, can you calm down? I’m trying to help you!”

“Pervert,” you mutter, but throw your arm around where you think his neck is and stuff your face into his shoulder. “This fucking sucks, I feel so useless.”  
“Good, because this is a pain in the ass for me,” Jean grumbles, but it doesn’t sound really convincing. He adjusts the way he’s holding you so that he can grab the handles of the maneuver gear and promptly presses down on the gas, flying with confidence.

You don’t really talk on the way to the wall, because he’s quiet and you’re just groaning in pain. When you get to the base of it, however, you open your eyes to see a lift there that they’re using to get injured people up to the top.

 

“Hey,” Jean calls, landing on the ground and walking over to a Garrison soldier. “She’s got a broken ankle and a concussion.”  
“Can’t maneuver?” the soldier asks, looking at a clipboard. Looking around, there’s a line of members of the garrison surrounding the area, looking ready to fight. There’s just not that many titans left around, though. You guess most of them went to the HQ while you all were in there and Eren took them out.  
“No, that’s why I’m carrying her,” Jean mutters, which the soldier glares at him for.  
“You can set her on the lift and climb up yourself.” he points to an open spot and Jean nods, taking you over there and setting you down gently. The person next to you is a trainee you don’t know whose leg is missing. They’re passed out.

“I’ll be at the top when you get there.” Jean tells you, patting your head.  
“You’re not going back to see what’s up with Eren?”  
“I don’t think there’s a point,” he turns around, and you see what he must be talking about. There’s a group of soldiers on their way to the headquarters. “They’ll probably take him in for questioning.”  
You nod, then wince, pressing your hands to your temples. “See you, then.”  
“See you.” Jean looks at you without smiling, but you feel like you can almost see a fondness in his eyes. 

“Pull ‘er up!” the soldier with the clipboard shouts, and the lift starts ascending. You shut your eyes, tugging your knees to your chest. 

 

When will this day ever end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me if the gun safety is off in this. i've never picked up a gun in my life! i hope everyone enjoys the chapter~
> 
> edit: whoops forgot the title lol


	12. twelve - the plan

“What do you mean she’s ‘not injured enough’? She’s injured!” 

You sigh from your place sat against a few crates on top of the wall. After being helped out of the lift by a friendly member of the garrison, you were directed to a nurse a ways down the wall. There, you had to wait in line, which is when Jean showed up, grumbling about bad organization.   
The line was composed of trainees and some garrison soldiers with injuries similar to yours- broken bones, sprained wrists, knees, or ankles, concussions. People like the boy who’d been next to you on the lift with missing limbs were taken away, probably straight to a doctor. 

After waiting for at least twenty or thirty minutes, the nurse at the front of the line, holding a clipboard and looking extremely vacant in the eyes, gave you a once over and told you she couldn’t send you to a doctor because your injuries weren’t enough.

“Jean,” you rest your hand on his shoulder, but he doesn’t back down, visibly frustrated.   
“No, you be quiet,” he snaps at you, then faces the nurse again. “She’s been out there fighting since this morning, she deserves _something_! Don’t you have any painkillers or anything?”  
“I can’t give her anything until she’s been looked at by a doctor, and she can’t go to a doctor when there’s people with legs or arms missing.” the nurse tells the two of you without even a breath of emotion in her voice. “But I’ll write down her name and injury so they can call you when there’s time.”  
“It’s F/N L/N,” you speak softly, kind of embarrassed. You’d been ready to leave the second she made it clear there’s a lot of people way worse off than you. “Broken ankle, concussion. That’s all. Thank you for your time.”

You tug on Jean’s arm, and with a heavy sigh, he relents and follows you as you walk away from the line.

“You’re such an idiot, this is because you hang around that suicidal bastard!” Jean’s jaw is clenched tight again.   
“She’s right, a broken ankle isn’t that serious,” you mumble, feeling woozy again.   
“You’re about to fall over, dumbass.” 

“Cadets!” 

You look to your side as Jean grabs your arms to steady you and find some random old-ish garrison guy standing next to you.

“Oh, Captain Baumann,” Jean says, surprising you.  
“So it is you, Jeanny-boy!” the soldier grins a toothy grin, and claps Jean’s shoulder roughly, causing the boy to wince. “You really did become a soldier! I’m glad you’re okay, son.”  
“Thanks,” Jean smiles grimly. “It’s been great so far.”  
The soldier, Baumann, cringes. “Sorry about that. Who’s this young lady, anyway?”  
“F/N L/N, sir!” you let go of Jean to salute the captain, but the quick movement sends the world spinning around you again, and you groan, pressing your hand against your eyes and wobbling dangerously.

“Hey, is she okay?” you hear Captain Baumann ask, but it sounds far away. You open your eyes again only to see things getting blurry and dark, and before you know it, everything is black once again.

 

“Thanks for this, Captain,” Jean says, then sighs, tightening his grip on your form. He’s holding you bridal-style again, but since you’re totally knocked out this time, you feel like dead weight.

The garrison soldier who Jean has known since he was just a little kid quickly ushered Jean over to a private lift down to the interior of Wall Rose, meant to be used only by high ranking members of the military, after you passed out in his arms.

“Of course, son!” Baumann gives Jean a caring nuggie and laughs at the boy’s alarmed expression. “Anything for you and your girl- your parents and I have always been good friends.”  
“My- my what?” Jean sputters, a blush rising to his cheeks.   
“Your girl!” Baumann looks offended, then laughs, gesturing to you. “You two are dating, right? I watched you wait in line with her that whole time.”  
“Dating? Me and Y/N?” Jean glances down at you. Your face is the most peaceful he’s seen the whole day, tucked against his chest with your messy hair falling against your cheeks. Are you having a good dream? A dream where you didn’t just fight for your life and watch your friends die? 

“Well, I won’t tell your mom, you know she’ll get way too excited,” Captain Baumann chuckles heartily.   
“Wait, Captain-” Jean frowns. “Did you see if my parents got out of Trost? Just by any chance…”  
The captain nods, but looks somber. “They were lucky, part of the group that got out thanks to that girl from your class. There was titan coming right for them, but she killed it and convinced the Reeves bastards to let out the civilians before their stupid cart.”

“Mikasa?” Jean mutters. But should he really be surprised? The girl is probably stronger than the entire rest of the 104th combined. 

“Anyway, I saw them get out, but I couldn’t tell you where they are now,” Captain Baumann pats Jean’s shoulder. “Sorry.”  
“No, as long as they’re safe I’m fine knowing just that…” Jean nods to himself, suddenly missing his parents more than he ever usually does. 

“Well, looks like we’re here.” the captain unlocks the door to the lift and it flips down onto the ground. “I think some of the other cadets are just down there,” he points along the wall. “Get yourself some water and a snack if you can find some, and wake your girlfriend up so she can eat too.”

Jean flushes again. “Gotcha, sir. Thanks again.”

With a nod of respect to Captain Baumann, Jean adjusts you in his arms, feeling a little shy to be walking around holding a girl like this, but the civilians around are mostly preoccupied, shaking and crying still. Jean looks down at his feet, feeling ashamed for even thinking they’d be paying attention to him.

“Trainee! Hey, boy- you there!” someone grabs Jean’s shoulder with force and spins him around, bringing him face-to-face with a man who looks like a father. His face is strained and desperate, and stained with tears. “Are you a part of the 104th?”  
“Y-yes, sir.” Jean tells him nervously. He shifts his feet.  
“Have you seen my daughter?” the man grabs Jean’s shoulders, surprising the boy enough that he pulls away aggressively, but the man doesn’t seem to care. “Her name is Mina Carolina! She was doing well in training, so she survived, right? Have you seen her?”

Jean freezes in horror. 

“Mina…” the girl’s name passes his lips.

_“The members of Trainee Corps team 34, Thomas Wagner, Nack Tias, Milius Zermusky, Mina Carolina… Eren Jaeger!”_   
_“These five died valiantly in the field of duty!”_

Jean wills himself to stop trembling, remembering that he has to hold onto you. Should he tell him? Would that… would that be the right thing to do?

“I-I’m sorry,” he tells Mina’s father, avoiding his eyes. “I haven’t seen her. I’m sorry.”  
“Are you sure?” the man grabs onto him again, but Jean rips himself away and starts running, blinking away the burning feeling of tears in his eyes. 

“Fuck,” he swears, clenching his teeth together. Why does he have to be such a damn coward? He knows she’s dead, but he couldn’t bring himself to be the bearer of bad news…

 

“Jean!” 

He looks up and is relieved to see not another parent of his dead comrades but Connie and Sasha, running up to meet him in front of a porch where some of their other fellow cadets are resting.

“Hey, guys,” Jean breathes out, the exhaustion really hitting him for the first time. “Can someone grab Y/N?”  
Sasha offers her arms immediately, hoisting you up so that your head is lying against her shoulder. “Is she okay? Just passed out?”  
“Yeah, I think she just overworked herself today,” Jean sighs. “Anyway, how are you two?”

Connie starts walking over to the area where they can all sit down. “Everyone seems to be fine, just really shaken up. Are the others coming soon?”  
“They should be,” Jean nods, remembering that he left Annie, Bert, Reiner, and Armin there with Mikasa and Eren. “I just wanted to get Y/N to a doctor as soon as possible, but that didn’t really work out.”  
“Yeah, I saw them turning people away,” Sasha comments as the three of them sit. She sets you down next to her but holds up your head.  
“Anyone got water?” Jean swallows, his throat feeling dry and scratchy.  
“Yeah, here,” Connie passes him a jug, which he takes gratefully.

“Oh, there’s the trio,” Sasha comments, to which Jean’s head snaps up from taking a drink. He was expecting Mikasa, Eren, and Armin, but the trio Sasha was referring to turns out to be Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner. 

They sit away from everyone else, looking deep in discussion. 

“Hey, where the hell are Mikasa and Armin? They’re like the heroes of today, least they could do is come take a break...” Connie rubs his head, looking annoyed.   
“Not sure,” Jean glances over at Annie’s little group, wondering what they were told, why they came back without the other three. For some reason, though, he decides to keep his mouth shut about Eren coming back to life. 

You’re still not waking up after about fifteen minutes, but Jean doesn’t have the heart to force you out of your sleep. When you eventually wake up, you’re going to be plunged back into the nightmare that is reality, and all he can do is try to spare you that for as long as possible. He sighs, taking another sip of water as Sasha braids your hair away from your face in your sleep.

 

_Crack!_

You yelp, the familiar sound bringing you to your feet, which then causes you to cry out in pain.

“Y/N!” 

You look to your right and see Sasha, which makes you relieved, but worry is written all over her expression as she grabs onto you. 

“Is the wall okay?” you ask, looking at the smoke rising from somewhere indistinguishable. It was the exact same sound that the Colossal Titan’s sudden appearance made this morning.  
“I-I don’t know, sit back down,” she tells you pushing you gently so that you’re off your feet. 

“A cannon shot?” Jean’s voice rings out. “Why only one?”  
“The smoke, look! It’s inside the wall!” someone shouts, their voice cracking.  
“What the hell is going on?” someone else shrieks, sounding afraid.

Suddenly, Reiner fires off his wires towards the smoke without warning, Annie and Bertholdt following wordlessly. Jean shouts and follows too, leaving your line of sight in just a few seconds.

Too tired and shocked to move, you stay seated, watching as even more dark smoke floats up from the same spot. 

A cart full of soldiers with injuries drives by, unaffected by the chaos going on due to the cannon fire and smoke. The person driving it calls out asking if anyone is injured.

“Y/N,” Sasha whispers, leaning in close to your face, her eyes swimming with fear. “We can go together. You can vouch for me, that I have a really bad concussion too.”  
“Huh?” you frown. “Sasha, why would you need to do that-”  
“Come on, Y/N!” she cries, grabbing your hands. “Please! Please do it for me! I don’t wanna die!”  
“Pull yourself together!” Connie snaps, yanking her off of you. “Y/N, go by yourself. You should go rest up if you have the chance.”  
“Actually, I’m feeling okay,” you stand up, staying off of your right foot. “I shouldn’t take up a bed when there’s people who need it more than me.”  
“You can’t maneuver with a concussion, Y/N,” Connie tells you, looking frustrated. “You know what’ll happen if they decide to send us back out there, right? If you don’t go with the injured, they’ll make you fight again!”  
“So be it,” you sigh, looking down at your foot. “I don’t think I have a concussion, anyway. Probably just a bad headache. I could use a shoe, though.”

“Cadets! You are needed in front of the wall! Gather and stand in lines!” the booming voice of someone in the garrison calls to all of you hanging around. 

Sasha cries out, her hands shaking as she grabs you again. “Y/N! Please, I’m begging you-”

“And a reminder that desertion or feigning injury is punishable by death!” the same voice shouts, causing a hush to fall over the crowd of chattering cadets.

Sasha falls silent, but continues heaving loud breaths, clutching the folds of your jacket so tightly that her knuckles are white.

“Seriously, Y/N, last chance!” Connie urges you to go, pointing at the cart driving the opposite way that your fellow members of the 104th are being directed.   
“No, let’s go,” you say firmly, tugging Sasha off her knees to stand next to you. “We don’t know what they’re calling us for yet.”

The three of you end up in the middle of the ranks, waiting around for someone to tell you what’s going on. Somewhere behind you, you hear the sound of gas hissing, a sign that people are landing with the 3DMG. A soldier from the garrison walks by you, so you grab her arm gently.

“Pardon me,” you say as she turns sharply, regarding you with harsh eyes. “I lost my boot in the battle earlier, is there anywhere I can find one?”  
“Goddamnit,” you hear Connie whisper in disbelief from beside you.  
The soldier looks surprised. “Are you injured, cadet? Your ankle is bandaged.”  
You wave it off. “It’s nothing major.”  
“Well, in that case…” the soldier looks troubled. “I’ll find you a boot, what size are you?”  
You tell her and thank her as she nods, walking away quickly.

“I can’t believe you,” Connie mutters, glancing at you with dark eyes. “You have the chance to get out of this and you’re just ignoring it?”  
Sasha’s voice wavers. “Can’t you at least try to save yourself, Y/N?”  
“I…” the words fall short on your lips.

_I'm scared to leave you all._

You hate not knowing what’s going on- it’s probably one of the things you find the most annoying. Which is why you can’t stand the thought of being holed up in some stuffy, dark and putrid hospital by yourself when your friends are all outside fighting for your lives. It’s why you risked everything to get to the headquarters when you could have easily gone back to the wall and just made your way around.

 

“Cadets, at attention!”

The call from the top of the wall leads you all to slam your fists against your chest. You can’t make out exactly who it is up there, but the form kind of reminds you of that guy Jean and you met before…  
Jean! Where’d he go? You wonder if he saw what happened to Eren at all.

“Commander Pixis has outlined a plan to retake the city of Trost!”

Those words by themselves are enough to send a chill running through your bones. So it really was this.   
You can already see people around you beginning to shake and tremble, small cries escaping from lips, and choked sobs from others. You bite your lip, willing yourself to stay strong as Sasha whimpers from beside you.

“This does mean you will most likely be required to go back into the city! The commander will be here soon to explain the plan! At ease!”

The man on the wall turns away as a few people start violently crying and screaming, others standing completely still like they hadn’t even heard the call to relax. 

“Sasha,” you take your friend’s hand, lacing your fingers together as her lips tremble. “Sasha, it’ll be fine. I’ll protect you.”  
“Fuck this,” Connie says under his breath, rubbing his eyes. “I can’t believe we’re doing this again.”

“Cadet,” the voice of the female soldier from before alerts you to her presence. You turn to face her, not letting go of Sasha’s hand, and find her holding a single tall boot, exactly like the other one on your left foot. “You’re lucky, it’s in your size.”  
“Thank you,” you take the shoe and bow your head respectfully, but the soldier doesn’t leave right away. Her eyes linger on your hand joined with Sasha’s.  
“...Good luck, cadet.” she tells you, then salutes, surprising you.   
You salute back. “Thank you! You as well.”  
With that, the soldier turns swiftly, molding into the crowd like she was never there at all.

“Hey, give me a hand,” you tell Sasha, letting go of her fingers to unzip the boot. You try not to think about where it may have come from, as it definitely doesn’t look new. 

Sasha nods, wiping her tears away and locking her fingers together to give you a platform to rest the boot on as you gently slip your foot in.

“Ah!” you cringe, gritting your teeth as your ankle starts pulsating and feeling hot all over again. “Fuck, fuck, shit, ow-!” you manage to zip the boot back up, but your hands are shaking. “Fuck,” you clench your hands into fists.  
“You should have gone with the injured,” Connie says in a know-it-all tone. You shoot him a dirty look.

 

“ _Attention!_ ” 

A louder, more powerful, and more commanding call to attention sounds from the top of the wall. All of you look up at the man, but nobody moves to salute him- too many people around are at a state of such despair and panic to remember military etiquette. Still, a silence falls over the crowd.

You squint as you try to make out who it is- it must be Commander Pixis, right? The sun is behind him, so he looks more like a shadow than a person. But there’s someone standing right next to him, too…

“I will now explain the plan to retake Trost.” Pixis calls, standing tall.   
“Please, no,” someone behind you whispers in a broken voice.

“For this mission, our objective is to seal the hole where the gate was destroyed!”

The low whispers start instantly as the commander finishes with his statement. You agree with what is being said- how exactly are they planning to do that?  
How-

Your jaw drops as you realize who is standing next to Pixis.

“Eren,” his name leaves your lips in the softest breath.  
“Eren? What are you talking about, Y/N?” Connie whispers gratingly. “Are you going crazy too?”

Pixis clears his throat and starts talking again. “Let me introduce you to the one who will seal the hole for us.” he gestures to his side, and the very boy you saw come back to life not long ago steps forward. “From the Trainee Corps, Eren Jaeger.”

Eren salutes, but that doesn’t stop the murmurs of shock from running through the cadet corps.

“E-Eren?!” Connie blurts, his eyes wide. “What?”  
“Y/N, how did you know?” Sasha whispers, but you can barely hear. You stare up at Eren, watching the sun encircle his silhouette. The smallest smile tugs at the corners of your lips.  
He really is alive.

“He is the result of a top-secret project to turn humans into titans. He can create and control a titan’s body.”

Connie sputters from your side. “ _What?_ This doesn’t make any sense! Am I just too stupid to get it, or something?”  
Ymir’s voice rings out from his other side. You hadn’t even realized she was here. “Can you just shut up, idiot?”

The commander continues. “He will turn into a titan, pick up the giant boulder by the shattered gate, carry it over, and seal the hole. Your job will be to protect him from titans as he moves the boulder!”

The reaction is immediate. Sasha grabs onto your hand again, her own shaking fiercely. People start shouting and screaming at the commander about the value of their lives and how humanity is doomed anyway. You watch as someone shoves past you, smacking you with their shoulder and knocking you almost completely over as you try to regain your balance. 

“Ready to die, you traitors?” you see through the crowd the commander who sent you out in the first place, Woermann, hollering at the people pushing through the crowd to try and leave. “I’ll kill you right now!” you gasp as he draws his blades.

“ _Here is my decision!_ ” 

Once again, Commander Pixis’ voice is stronger, overcoming the alarmed shouts and cries from below.

“I will pardon anyone who deserts now. Once you succumb to the titans’ fear, you can never fight them again. Those who have learned that fear should leave.” his voice is grim. Sasha whimpers again, squeezing your hand. 

“And anyone wishing their parents, siblings, and loved ones to feel that fear should also leave!”

“Dad,” your friend cries softly, her eyes shut tight. You glance over, feeling terrible. At least you don’t have any family to worry about like some of these people.

“Let me tell you what happened four years ago, about our attempt to retake Wall Maria.” the commander starts. “As I’m sure you’re all aware, that operation was no more than the government’s way of dealing with its inability to feed all of the unemployed. It was a culling!”

You bite your lip. Everybody in the underground had been spared, but so many of your fellow trainees had parents or grandparents that were sent out on that stupid, necessary mission… 

“The reason no one speaks of it is because by sending them outside of these cramped walls, we were able to survive within them. All of humanity, including myself, bears the weight of that sin!

“Because so few escaped Wall Maria alive, there was never any open rebellion. But what about now? If Wall Rose falls, the sacrifice will be more than just twenty percent. The territory within Wall Sina won’t support even half the remaining population. If humanity falls, it won’t be because we were devoured by titans.

“It will be because we killed each other.”

You sigh sharply, clenching your fists even tighter. This is something you’ve already known for years. Humanity is not kind. Humanity is cruel.  
It will do people good to recognize that, too.

“We must not die even deeper within the walls. I beg of you to die right here!”

 

“This plan is crazy,” Connie mutters as soon as the true outline is explained to you all.

A small elite team is going to protect Eren as he turns into the big titan and carries the boulder to the wall. The rest of you are going to hang on Wall Rose using the 3DMG just out of the titans’ reach to draw their attention to you and away from Eren. You have to agree with Connie- it sounds pretty crazy.  
But it sounds like if Eren really can pick up that boulder, it will work.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” Sasha breathes out, her voice shaky.   
“Don’t worry, we’re not even fighting them,” you tell her, patting her head as the three of you walk along with the other cadets to the face of the wall. “It’ll all be totally fine-”

You yelp as you’re harshly pulled around by a strong hand on your shoulder. 

“What the _hell_ are you doing here?” Jean stands in front of you, his grip on your shoulder almost painful it’s so tight. His eyes are cold as he looks down at you, his whole stature and expression tense, and frankly… appearing to be very pissed off.

“What… do you mean?” you speak softly, a little nervous by his current disposition.  
He barks out a short, humorless laugh. “What do I mean? Are you fucking with me right now, Y/N?” his gaze settles even colder. “What are you doing going with the rest of us?”

Your eyes narrow back at him, and you grab his wrist, pulling his hand off of you. “I’m a soldier, so I’m going to take part in this mission. Isn’t it obvious?”  
“You really are an idiot,” a vein in his neck pulses. “You couldn’t even walk by yourself earlier, and now you think you’re going to put yourself within a few feet of a titan just because you can? Are you fucking crazy?”  
“Will you shut up?” you snap, anger welling up inside you. “There’s a difference between being incapacitated and being a little bit wounded! This is important- this could be the most important thing we ever do as soldiers! And you think I should just sit it out because I had a headache before?”  
“You passed out! You fell over just from saluting! You were crying from pain!” Jean throws up his hands in exasperation. “They’re not going to miss one soldier when we’re not even fighting the titans!”  
“The fact that we’re not fighting them only proves that I should be there!” you exclaim, practically shaking in frustration. “All I have to do is hang on the wall! Why can’t I do even that?”  
“Because you should be in a hospital bed right now!” Jean growls, then grabs your wrist. “Come with me. I’m getting someone to take you to a hospital.”  
“Let- let go of me, asshole!” you shout, trying to pull away from him. “Jean! I’m serious!”

He drags you along behind him, other people turning to watch in confusion and probably amusement as you dig your heels into the dirt, trying to hold your ground. But Jean is ultimately stronger than you, so you end up getting pulled by him in the direction of a group of garrison soldiers. 

You shake your head wildly, tears springing to your eyes. _I want to be a part of this! I have to do what I can to protect Eren!_

“ _Hngh!_ ” you draw back your right knee and drive it into the back of Jean’s with all the strength you have.   
“Ahh, shit!” he falls in shock, catching himself on his hands and scrambling to his feet as fast as he can, but when he turns around, you’re already gone, blending in with the crowd of cadets in front of the wall. “God fucking damnit!” 

_This girl will be the death of him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooo jeanny boy.... *wink wink*


	13. thirteen - victory

“Cadets! Avoid combat unless it is wholly necessary! Stay calm!”

_Fuck,_ you think to yourself as you look up to the top of the wall, where the higher-ups are standing and observing the rest of you. The sound of the titans is honestly horrifying- the way they grumble and groan and whine, smacking their hands against the wall below you.   
You’re all hanging just about four feet from the edge of the wall, so only the big titans are really getting distracted so far. You wonder where Eren is, and if he’s feeling confident about his role in the mission.

“Cadets! Move down by two feet! Stay alert!”

“What?” someone gasps nearby. “We have to get closer to them?”

You grit your teeth and slowly, precariously, inch your way down the wall, shivering when you feel the pound of a large hand directly below you. But you refuse to look down- you’re not sure what will happen if you can truly see how close they are to you.

“Y/N, be careful! There’s one right under you!” you look to your side and see Armin, who’d shown up a little late like you and gotten stuck right in the middle of the bunch with you.  
“Okay, thanks,” you shakily respond, glancing back up to where your hooks are embedded in the wall. If they slip, you’re titan food, no matter how good you are at maneuvering.

“Lower down two more feet, cadets!” the commander calls. 

“He’s crazy,” you mutter under your breath, not moving. There’s no way you’ll be safe if you do that.

“I understand your fear! But the lower class titans are trailing away! Remember that this is to retake our territory!” 

“Armin!” you call to the boy, who has already moved down. “Can I go? Can it reach me if I go down?”  
“You’ll be fine, just stay in line with me,” he tells you calmly, but his eyes waver too. “Just- be careful!”

Gritting your teeth, you replace your feet just a few times, not sure if you’ve really made it down the whole distance you were supposed to, but you don’t want to look down. 

_Crack!_

“Fuck!” you yelp, surprised by the sudden burst of sound and green light that clouds your vision. “Was that Eren transforming?”  
“I think so!” Armin’s voice calls out. You stay focused staring directly in front of you rather than looking over your shoulder to check, despite your curiosity. 

A furious roar blares through the city, sounding nearby even though you know Eren… or, his titan form, is on the complete other side of it.

“No! Someone save me! Help me! Someone! _Please!_ ” the shriek coming from somewhere on your left only causes your hands to shake more, realizing there really are people dying right now. Should you have just listened to Jean and avoided this altogether? 

“Cadets! Do not engage to save your comrades!” someone from above shouts out aggressively, in tandem with the sound of a different voice screaming hoarsely and disgusting, loud, chewing. 

“Fuck, Armin!” you bite your lip harshly, squeezing your eyes shut. “Can you see? Is Eren lifting it?”  
The boy doesn’t respond. 

“Armin!” you repeat with more persistence.

“No, Y/N…” his voice is soft.

“Retreat up the wall, recruits! Now!” 

You don’t need to hear it twice. As soon as the words register in your mind, you fire your gas and leap up over the edge of the wall, stumbling a little and landing in someone’s arms.

“Shit, sorry,” you mumble, rubbing your eyes as you feel dizzy again, only to see Marco, looking troubled, and Connie next to him.   
“Y/N, you came out here?” Marco asks, eyes wide.  
“Yeah, don’t worry about it-”

“A red flare…” Armin’s voice is quiet again. You look to your side to see his face, crestfallen, as he looks out across the city. You follow his gaze, finding the red smoke floating up on the other side of Trost. “Why?”

Suddenly, Armin grits his teeth and starts running away from the rest of you gathered on the wall.

“Hey, Armin, where are you going?” Marco calls, letting go of you. 

Out of nowhere, Jean lands in front of you three, shooting you a fierce glare, but turning to Marco and Connie. 

“What happened to Eren?” he asks gruffly.  
“Armin headed there by himself…” Marco glances away nervously. “He’s probably fine.”  
“Probably?”  
“He’s fine!” Marco says, looking like he’s trying to convince himself. “I’m sure of it. Eren can do this.”  
“He’ll be fine,” you nod, agreeing with Marco. “There’s nobody more determined than him.”

“I think luring the titans to the town’s edge is useless,” Connie mutters.  
“Any fight with the titans is a war of attrition, anyway,” Jean sighs, wiping at his brow. “At this point, they probably just want to avoid losing too many troops.”  
“Then, anyone who doesn’t make it now, will have died for nothing?” Connie scoffs, frustration lacing his tone.  
“Eventually, it’ll become an all out war,” Jean nods to himself. “But for now, we have to preserve our forces. It’s obvious that we should minimize casualties. The brass made the right call.”  
“Is that so?” Connie turns away from you.  
“It is!” Jean replies passionately. 

“Anyway… let’s all make sure we don’t end up as casualties.” Connie turns back to face you, smirking. “Right, guys?” 

“Hey, you four!” 

All of you turn your heads, finding that same Captain that Jean knew from earlier.

“Captain Baumann!” Jean’s eyes are wide. “What’s going on? Are we going back down the wall?”  
“The four of you are all highly ranked in your trainee corps, right?” he asks, and you all nods. “Who’s the highest out of you?”  
“...Me, sir.” you say quietly, raising your hand a little.  
The captain looks surprised, which somewhat annoys you, but then he just nods. “Come along, cadet. I need you to lead a squad. Jean, you too, and whichever one of you is next highest, you’re also in charge of one. Someone from the garrison will come to tell you where to deploy from. Miss, if you will,” he gestures to you.  
“A-alright,” you bite your lip again, glancing at Jean as you take a step forward to follow the captain.

“Wait, Captain Baumann!” Jean exclaims, grabbing your wrist. The captain turns, looking far more serious than he had the first time you and Jean came across him. “You saw her earlier, she’s injured and can’t maneuver!”

“I’m sorry, son, but if she’s out here now that tells me she’ll be okay. We need all the strong soldiers we can get.” 

Your wrist slips out of Jean’s hand, and shooting him one last apologetic look over your shoulder, you turn away and follow the captain. 

 

“Take your pick, whoever you want to come with you will make up your squad.” Captain Baumann gestures to your fellow cadets sitting around on top of the wall, mostly looking completely disillusioned and afraid.  
“How many?” you ask, peeking around to see who you can spot. _Oh, Sasha! Thank Maria._   
“Two, cadet.”

“I’ll take Sasha Braus and…” you squint. “And Daniel Grossberg.”

“Cadets Sasha Braus and Daniel Grossberg!” Captain Baumann repeats. The two of them look up, eyes hollow, but Sasha’s expression brightens when she sees you. “You are needed in the operation to distract the titans!”

Both Sasha and Daniel stand up, although Daniel looks significantly more reluctant. They walk over to meet you and the captain, faces grim.

“This is not a mission to kill titans,” Captain Baumann says, his voice gruff. “Don’t go out of your way to kill them and put yourself in danger. Your job is to draw them as close to this corner of the city as you can. Keep them as far away from Eren Jaeger as possible. The garrison troops will take care of stray titans. Be careful, but remember your duty as soldiers.” he turns specifically to you. “Cadet L/N, you are in charge of this squad. Deploy as soon as you are ready.”

“Yes, sir!” you salute him, and he strolls away, wiping at his forehead.

“Y/N,” Sasha looks worried as she grabs your shoulder. “Did you volunteer for this? Is it really safe for you to go back out there with your ankle?”  
“It doesn’t hurt that bad,” you tell her, although you know it’s probably just from the constant rushes of adrenaline you’ve been having. “I picked the two of you because I can rely on you. Neither of you try to kill the titans- I’ll do it if someone is in a rough spot. Let’s stick together and stay safe.”  
“Got it,” Daniel sighs. “I really hope this shit is all worth it. After all that work escaping from HQ…”  
“Oh!” you nod. “Now that you mention it, let’s check our gear real quick and fill up on gas. Then we’ll have to go.”

 

After the three of you have all done a fast evaluation on the state of their 3DMG and topped off on gas, you lead Sasha and Daniel down the wall, waiting behind a house very close to it momentarily so you can repeat the plan.

“Remember,” you say, feeling the nerves from the two of them. “We’re going to be fine. Just keep them on your tail. Honestly, I don’t care if you have to straight up run away to stay alive. Just don’t die. All clear?”  
“Yes,” both of them say at the same time.  
You nod. “Cool. Let’s move out!”

 

You stumble onto the nearest rooftop, crying out slightly at the pressure on your ankle as you regain balance, looking to your side to the titan you were able to kill with Daniel’s help. 

“Nice one, Y/N!” the boy calls, shooting you a thumbs up from across the street. Sasha lands next to you, pointing back the other way.

“Y/N, there’s like four coming from that way. Two twelve-meter class ones, too. I think we need to get out of here.”

You look in that direction and see exactly what she’s talking about, but much farther away than you would have ever noticed coming your way. That’s why you picked Sasha- not only do you want to make sure she’s safe, but she’s also extremely valuable in terms of knowing when the titans are coming before anyone else.

“You’re right, let’s head that way,” you nod to the street to your right. “Daniel, to your left!”

The boy nods and fires off his wires first, you and Sasha following him. 

You’ve done well so far as a trio. You’ve managed to lead a decent amount of titans in range for the garrison to swoop down and kill them safely and in a quick manner, as well as kill a few yourselves- you’ve taken down two total and Daniel and Sasha each one. But you’ve also been playing it safe as the leader- you don’t go for any that are in range of another titan, and as soon as there’s more than two around, you ditch the area. 

“Shit, watch out!” Daniel shouts from up ahead and suddenly throws himself to the side to avoid a large, gangly titan running right towards you.

With a yelp, you do the same, and you catch Sasha already landing on a roof a bit behind. You immediately start running.

“Guys, keep moving! That one might be an aberrant since it’s running like that!”  
“Got it!” Daniel calls.

A zip of blonde hair catches your eye as you prepare to fire your wires again, seeing the possible aberrant turn and come your way.

“Annie?” you mutter, eyes wide as you watch her fly towards the wall at high speed. Following her is Connie.

“Connie!” you shout, grabbing his attention. Thankfully, he stops to land on the roof across from you. “What’s going on? Why are you going back to the wall?”  
“Jean told us to go, he’s leading a titan away! There’s three back where I came from!” he fires off as soon as he’s done talking, looking very shaken up.

“Shit,” you swear under your breath, then yelp loudly as a hand crashes down next to you. 

“Y/N!” Daniel shouts.  
You zip across the street and down closer to where you can see Sasha and Daniel made their way to, landing in front of them.

“Listen,” you say. “You need to go back to the wall. There’s four where we came from, Connie said there’s three the other way, and there’s this weird running one over there. It’s not safe anymore and I don’t want you guys to die because of me.”  
“Are you not coming?” Sasha’s brows draw together and she steps forward. “I’m not going to leave you behind here. We’re all off better sticking together.”  
“Just- just for a minute, okay?” you glance behind you nervously. “I’ll be there right after you guys. I just need to check something.”  
“What could you possibly have to check right now-” Daniel is cut off by the grumbling roar of the running titan approaching quickly.  
You shove their shoulders. “Go, now! I swear I’m not going to die!”

With that, you pivot and fire you wires deeper into the fray.  
Connie said Jean told him and Annie to retreat, so where is he? It doesn’t take that long to lead a titan away from a comrade.

 

Sasha gasps for air as she lands on top of the wall, Annie and Connie standing just a few feet away. Daniel lands next to her. 

“What are you two looking at?” she asks, already feeling the pit of worry growing in her stomach. You’d flown off without warning and without explanation, but the way her two other friends are leaning over the wall, staring out over the city only concerns her more. 

“Jean…” Connie trails off. “He’s not using his maneuver gear to escape!”

It clicks.

“Y/N went after him!” Sasha exclaims, her hand clapping down on Connie’s shoulder.  
“Huh?” his eyes widen, then shift back down to the city. “Is she crazy?”  
“So that’s why she ran off like that…” Daniel comments, sighing. “That’s good, then. She’ll keep him alive.”  
“Or they’ll both end up dead,” Annie’s eyes are vague.

Sasha spots you right away as she starts looking. There’s Jean’s figure, running along the street, and yours, coming from the opposite direction, swinging down- 

You both disappear behind a building.

“Come on, Y/N, Jean,” Sasha clasps her hands together, teeth tugging at her lower lip anxiously. “Come back.”

 

“Fuck!” you cringe as you tap your gas valves, swinging through the streets at high speeds. They’re nearly empty- if you want to get back to the wall, you can’t spare anything to kill that titan following Jean. 

Suddenly, he darts down an alley and into a house, so you fire one hook into the building just by that one and drop altitude, pulling that wire as soon as you start approaching it so that you land, albeit a bit shakily, in front of the same door Jean entered through. 

He’s just closing it as you shove your foot in, pushing past him and slamming the door behind you, breathing heavily.

When you look up, Jean is staring at you with his jaw hanging open, looking like he can’t believe what’s going on.

“We don’t have a lot of time,” you start, but he holds his hand up.  
“You don’t even know how fucking pissed I am that you’re doing this right now,” he says shortly, panting and out of breath. “But please just tell me you can do me a favor and kill that titan.”  
“I can’t.” you tell him bluntly.  
“Dammit!” he swears, sliding down the wall. “Shit, Y/N, why did you come back for me? Now we’re both going to die!”  
“You’re not going to die!” you snap, gesturing around with your hands. “You’re good at thinking of plans- come up with one! I have functioning maneuver gear but not enough gas to kill the titan, what if we just switch our gas tubes?”  
“Do you plan to carry me out of here?” he asks with heavy sarcasm, turning his face to glance out the window and cringing. “Shit, it’s so close already!”  
“Then think of something else, genius!” you shove his shoulder roughly. “I don’t have the gas to kill it!”

He’s quiet, which starts to bother you, but then he turns to you, an apology written in his eyes. “I… have an idea. But you’d have to risk your life.”  
“Better than nothing, spit it out!” 

Jean winces, standing quickly. “Fine. You need to distract that titan. Just as long as it takes for me to change gear. A few minutes. Sound good?”  
“Change gear?” you frown. “And where are you doing to do that?”

A section of the house crashes down right next to you to, causing you to scream, grabbing onto Jean’s arms.

“Come on, Y/N, now!” he shouts, ripping away from you and opening the door. “Just a couple minutes!”

Shaking your head and whispering to yourself to focus, you follow Jean out, finding yourself face to face with the ten meter titan. 

“Hey!” you shout, grabbing its attention. Its eyes move from Jean to you, as you wave your arms wildly. “You asshole! You’re super ugly, you know that?”

You leap out of its range just as it reaches down to grab you, running the opposite way from Jean, but that doesn’t work as intended, as it immediately continues towards Jean, who you realize is trying to pull the gear off of a dead soldier. 

“Shit,” you swear, running far slower than you’d like to be straight at the titan and shoving one of your blades into its heel, shouting in fear as it roars aggressively and whips around, staring at you almost like its mad. “Jean, hurry up!” you yell as you weave through and around the titan’s feet, unwilling to spare your gas to get into the air.

“Jean! Y/N!”

Eyes wide, you look up in shock as you hear the sound of wires firing right above you.

“Marco?” you call, watching the boy dart in front of the titan’s eyes, drawing its attention to him instead of you. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll lead it away!” he shouts back, doing just that as he zips past the titan’s face again, there one second and gone the next. The titan seems to forget that it was pissed at you for sticking your sword in its foot and starts to follow Marco away from the two of you. 

“Hurry, jackass!” you snap at Jean as you run up next to him. He manages to free the gear and drops his own.  
“Help me then!” he shoots you a fiery glare, so you sheathe your other blade and start fumbling to attach the right side of the gear, yanking the straps tightly. 

“Okay, you go back to the wall,” he says, finishing his side. “I don’t want to you see you out here fighting for the rest of the day or I’m gonna seriously break your other ankle.”

You want to argue, but when Jean looks over at you after drawing his own blades, the expression in his eyes is so desperate that any words of debate fall short on your tongue.

“Fine,” you breathe, and in a moment of complete rashness, grab his neck and drag him down so you can hug him briefly. As soon as you let him go, you look away. “Be safe.”

You fire your wires in the direction of the wall without looking back once. 

 

“Y/N!” Sasha happens to be at the spot where you land, falling to your knees immediately. You groan, the adrenaline finally starting to wear off and the real pain in your ankle peeking out. “Are you okay? Did you save Jean?”  
“Yeah, he’s fine as far as I know,” you mumble, pulling off your replacement right boot and unwrapping the bandages on your ankle. “Shit, Sasha, I think it got worse…”

Your ankle looks twisted, like it’s at a slightly wrong angle. It’s puffy on all sides and all the way down your foot, and the bruising is an irregular pattern of dark purple and yellow.

“Because you pushed it way more than you ever should have in the first place,” she scolds, her hands on her hips.

“Cadet!” coincidentally, the same garrison soldier who brought you the extra boot, walks up to you with urgency. “Are you injured?”  
“Uh, I think so,” you say, then almost smack yourself for sounding so dumb.   
The soldier frowns. “It looks bad. We should get you to a doctor so you can take some painkiller, it’ll help with the swelling too.”  
You nod, albeit hesitantly. “Sounds good.”  
“Can you walk?” the soldier asks, helping you to your feet. You try setting the foot down on the ground, but now that you’ve taken a good look at the wound and are no longer in the field of battle, it hits you just how bad it really hurts to walk on it.

“Uhm…”  
“I’ll help her!” Sasha pipes up, throwing your right arm around her shoulder quickly.  
“That’s fine,” the soldier nods, then points down the length of the wall. “The lift down to the other side is a bit far, hopefully you’ll be okay.”  
“I’m good,” you assure her, then tap Sasha to let her know to stop, looking at the soldier with worry. “But… the shoe you got me-”  
She chuckles. “Don’t worry, cadet. When you get inducted into the branch you choose, they’ll provide you with new shoes, a new jacket, and a new cloak.”  
You nod, ahhing. 

 

The three of you are stopped in front of the lift when you hear it- well, you can almost feel it, too.

Loud, heavy, strong footsteps.

The garrison soldier stops, concern lacing her features as she turns back to look at Trost. You and Sasha do the same, wondering what kind of titan could be walking with such a feverence. 

Your eyes widen as soon as you spot it.

“Eren.” you whisper, the corners of your lips pulling up. His titan has the huge boulder braced over its head, and every gargantuan step that he takes echoes through the whole city, through every soldier, through every titan. 

“Let’s watch, cadets,” the soldier says. She places her hand on your shoulder. “This is humanity’s first victory. We are witnessing history.”  
“That’s our friend,” Sasha tells her, grinning widely. “He’s really doing it!”  
“I knew he would,” you laugh, joy spreading through every part of you. “Come on, Eren!” you shout, although you know he’s way too far away to hear you. “You can do it! _Come on!_ ”  
“He’s almost there!” the soldier’s eyes are wide when you glance over at her. She leans forward, her other hand up in fist, like she’s full of anticipation. “He’s really going to do it!”

The boulder falls into place in tandem with a massive, passionate roar, loud enough to shake your bones. 

The three of you cry out in the feeling of victory, laughing, tears slipping from the corners of your eyes as you watch the green flare fire from that side of the city.

_You did it,_ you think as Eren’s face flashes in the dark of your vision whenever you blink. _You beat the titans._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter since the last one and this one were originally written as one (i thought 8k words was too long for a single chapter ahaaa)  
> hope you all enjoy~


	14. fourteen - losses

“So, what’d they say?” Jean sits by you with his chin on his palm as you dig into the food he brought to you from the military cafeteria. You’ve spent the past day alone for the most part, only accompanied by the groans and cries of pain from the other people in this long hall of the makeshift hospital you were brought to. Everyone who wasn’t injured in what they’re calling the “Battle of Trost” has been helping out identifying the dead and disposing of their bodies- which you’re really glad you’re able to get out of.

“The nurse told me that it was probably just broken at first since that house fell on me, but that I tore the ligaments afterwards.” you sigh, a little ashamed. “You can say ‘I told you so’. It’s warranted.”  
Jean rolls his eyes. “I won’t, but I’m thinking it. How long for it to heal?”  
“Like two months.”  
He cringes, leaning back in his seat. “You just graduated and you’re already out of commission for two months. They’re going to be real happy about that when you get to Wall Sina.”

You freeze, glancing over at Jean through your lashes as your face is leaned down into the bowl of porridge.

Should you tell him now?

“Anyway, don’t know if you heard, but they took Eren into custody. He’s in the Interior, apparently.” Jean sighs. “People are saying the Military Police wants him dead.”

All thoughts of telling Jean about your plans to join the Survey Corps disappear as you sit up quickly, eyes wide. 

“You’re kidding, right?” you ask, shocked. “Kill him? After he saved Trost like this?”  
Jean shakes his head. “I don’t know, it’s just rumors… but I can see what they’re thinking. A human that can turn into a big-ass titan, when we don’t know if he can even control the thing properly?”  
“Yeah, but it’s Eren.” you frown, looking down at your food. “He’s like the most anti-titan person I’ve ever met. He just needs to get some practice in.”  
“I guess so,” Jean shrugs, then sighs, standing and looking over at the clock on the opposite side of the hall. “Looks like I gotta go. You’re so lucky you don’t have to do this depressing shit, Y/N.”  
“I know,” you mumble, feeling bad. “I’m sorry you guys have to.”  
“That’s duty for you, I guess.” Jean’s disposition doesn’t match the lighthearted words. “Take care of yourself, Y/N. I’ll try to come by again later if I can.”  
“Thanks,” you reply, offering him a smile in support. He manages a slight half smile in return.

 

The smell coming through the open windows is sickening.

The nurses have kept them open all day, but now that it’s dark and everyone seems to be sleeping but you, it stuffs your nostrils and clings to the inside of your throat, making you cough out your lungs.

The scent of bodies being burned.

Luckily, you’re inside Wall Rose, so you’re not exactly in the fray of it or the ashes that you’ve been told are falling all over the city of Trost. But you do think you must be downwind, because it’s putrid and powerful even here.

You sigh, pressing your cheek against your pillow as you try to breathe in the clean smell of linen instead. Now that it’s been two full days since Eren was able to plug the hole in the wall, you’re starting to tire of just sitting in the hospital. Jean earlier has been your only visitor, which you guess you understand because there’s been a lot to do and finding the time to visit you would have been hard, but you can’t deny that you want to see Mikasa and Sasha. Even Marco or Armin would be a welcome guest, or Christa, even if Ymir tagged along.

 

Two mornings later you’re released (more like kicked out) from the hospital because of the need for space for soldiers who are starting to get sick, most likely due to inhaling the fumes from the burning corpses in Trost. The nurse tells you not to touch the cast on your foot or walk on it for at least six weeks. She sets you up with a weird heavy boot instead of crutches.

You’re taken back to Trost and the building all of you were originally staying at along with a few other injured cadets, none of whom you cared to remember. When you get there, everyone is still out cleaning the city. You pass dozens of your comrades who are scrubbing blood off of walls and roads, or hauling bodies onto carts on the way.

You’re sitting on the same bed that you had chosen just five days ago when girls start walking in, their heads hanging low.

Among all of the people that had been here before, it feels like half of you are gone. Everywhere you look, there’s a bed empty of belongings and of someone sitting on it or standing nearby. Your eyes land on the bunk bed you remember Hannah and Mina taking- both are absent of either of the girls. 

“Y/N?”

The familiar voice breaks you out of your thoughts as you see Mikasa standing below you, looking up at you on the top bunk with a surprised expression. Hurriedly, you climb down as best you can without touching your right foot to anything and throw your arms around her, embracing her tightly as her arms squeeze back.

“It feels like I haven’t seen you in years,” you chuckle, eyes burning like you might cry. Mikasa’s chin rests on your shoulder, her hair tickling your cheek. “But it hasn’t been even a week.”  
“I feel the same,” her soft voice replies. “We were all worried about you but it’s been hard to leave.”  
“It’s okay,” you draw away but both of you hang on to each other. Mikasa’s face is tired, sullen-looking and pale. The half-moons under her eyes are dark and purple, only emphasizing the whiteness of her skin. “I’m sure it’s been really difficult doing what you guys have been doing.”  
She sighs, eyes falling to the floor. “It’s… it’s not…” she doesn’t finish.

“Hey, you two,” Sasha’s voice rings out from your left, so you let go of Mikasa to turn to her, a smile lighting up your face as she ruffles your hair. “How’s your ankle, Y/N?”  
“It’s fine,” you shrug. “Are you two feeling okay, by the way? I had to come back here because some soldiers are getting sick.”  
“It’s going around,” Mikasa nods. “We’re being careful.”  
“Good to hear.”

Just as quickly as everyone had filed in, the girls around you start to leave. Your stomach grumbles and you realize what time it must be. 

“Wanna get some lunch?” you ask, clapping your friends on their shoulders.  
“Let’s do that,” Sasha nods, significantly less enthusiastic than usual, but still looking uplifted.

 

The quiet, melancholy mood seems to have seeped into every single cadet that’s been here the past few days. The mess hall back at training camp was always cheerful and loud, but here, people are only talking quietly to each other, far too many sitting by themselves, even. 

You sat with Sasha, Mikasa, and Armin, which was very rare before, as you tended not to mix those two friend groups. But without Eren, there’s something different about it.

“How long are they planning to keep Eren away from us?” Mikasa mumbles quietly, sipping from her spoon. “It’s getting exaggerated.”  
“They’re probably deciding what to do with him,” Armin replies for the rest of you. “Whether he’s going to be killed or not.”

You cringe as Mikasa’s face darkens. 

“We don’t know that for sure,” you say to try and mediate.  
“That’s what everyone has been saying,” Sasha frowns. “I can’t believe anyone would want to kill Eren, though.”  
“If anyone tries to kill him, I’ll kill them.” Mikasa practically growls, her grip on her spoon tightening. You figure it must have been really difficult for her these past few days being separated from Eren and not even knowing what he’s been going through alone.

“He’ll be fine,” you say assuringly.

_Boom._

“Cadets Mikasa Ackerman and Armin Arlert!” the door to the cafeteria has been slammed open, and three soldiers stand in the doorway, one reading off of a paper. “Are you present?”

Eyes wide, Mikasa and Armin look between you and the soldiers, before Armin raises his hand.

“We are here, sir!”

The soldier reading from the paper nods. “You have been requested to be present at Eren Jaeger’s military tribunal later today as witnesses. Come with us.”

Your jaw drops as the two stand up immediately, Mikasa speed-walking towards the door without even looking back. Armin waves you and Sasha goodbye, and the door slams shut after them in just ten seconds.

“...What?” the word passed your lips.  
“Military tribunal?” Sasha frowns, chewing on her lower lip. “So the High Commander is going to decide what happens to Eren, I guess.”  
“That should go in his favor, right?” you wonder aloud, sighing. “As long as nothing gets out about him losing control it should be fine…”

 

You had been issued an exemption from any “strenuous activity” by one of the nurses at the hospital, and as such, were not allowed to go out and work with your friends on cleaning the city. Instead, you were grabbed from lunch by the head chef of the outpost to peel potatoes in the kitchen for the stew you’d all be eating later. You’d accepted readily, wanting to do something useful instead of sitting around alone like you’d been doing for the past four days.

But as soon as you stepped into the kitchen with the chef behind you, the knife he’d handed you to use for peeling fell to the ground, clattering loudly as your hands went to your face, pressing against your mouth in shock and horror.

“Finn?” his name is barely a breath as you stare at the boy. He grins, waving the one hand he has left.  
“Hey, Y/N! I knew you’d be okay.”

“Wash that knife and get to work, cadet.” the chef grumbles from behind you and totters off, seeming annoyed.

Your hands fall from your face as you continue to gawk, unable to move. You’d thought he was dead for sure… with the way that titan had still been lingering around, and you hadn’t seen him anywhere for the rest of that day.

“So what are you supposed to be doing?” Finn reaches down and grabs the knife, setting it down on the counter in front of it and turning the water on, then grabbing the knife again to let the water run over it. This action snaps you out of your shock and you run over, grabbing the knife from his hand.

“You shouldn’t try to do things like that yourself!” you say with exasperation, rubbing the knife’s surface with water. “This isn’t a play knife.”  
“...I guess I’m still getting used to the whole one arm thing.” Finn says bluntly, surprising you enough that you drop the knife into the sink. 

When you look up at his face over your shoulder, his eyes are creepily empty, like he’s staring off into something nonexistent even though you’re standing right there. 

“Right, sorry.” you clear your throat, picking the knife back up and turning off the water, then grab a rag from off the counter and wipe it dry. You turn around, nervous to see if Finn will still have that unsettling look in his eyes, but he’s smiling gently again, back to that unusually positive attitude he’d had when you walked in.

“So how’d you survive?” he asks as he moves to stand next to you, leaning against the counter. “I’ll tell you what happened to me after.”

You look down at the floor. “I got knocked out after that titan threw me. I woke up and killed the same one… I guess it came back to finish the job. Then I went to HQ and met up with everyone else. Then Eren came out of that titan and we all went back to the wall… later I got stuck being the captain of a squad while Eren was moving the boulder. After that I finally went to a hospital and four days later here we are.” 

Finn is quiet for a while, but you don’t have the heart to look at him at all. The sight of his missing left arm, the bruises on his face, the bandage around his head- it all makes you feel sick. You feel like it’s your fault that he looks like this, that this happened to him. If you hadn’t pushed for him to fight, he would have retreated safely never been hurt in the first place.

“You kept fighting the whole day with an injury?” he finally asks. “Or did it happen in the second movement of the battle?”  
You shake your head. “When I got thrown into the house. My ankle broke, and it just kept getting worse throughout the day. But I felt like it’d be lame to sit out…” you stop talking, fearing how that might sound to someone who lost their whole arm, not just broke a bone that heals easily. 

Finn hums. “Makes sense. You were pretty passionate about fighting the titans that day.”  
You cringe. “I’m sorry.”  
“Sorry?” out of your peripheral vision, you see the boy turn his head to you, brows raised. “Why are you sorry?”  
“Because…” you rub your arm, head still hanging. “I told you to fight and you got… your arm…”

He’s quiet again, which just makes you feel worse. Your stomach turns over, and you fear you might throw up.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have fought if you didn’t tell me to,” Finn says, sounding like he’s pondering something. “But I didn’t lose my arm just because you told me to fight. I got stuck in a bad situation after being forced to abandon you there, and they just found me in the rubble of some building yesterday. I felt like shit too, thinking you might be dead because I escaped instead of trying to look for you.”

You frown, looking over at him. “But…”  
“Yeah, my arm.” he chuckles stiffly. “I won’t lie, it’s not like I’m happy about this. But I’m alive, and I even killed a titan. I did something for humanity, because of you. So you shouldn’t feel guilty.”

“Are… are you sure?” you mumble, clasping your hands together around the knife nervously. “You can blame it on me if you have to tell your parents…”  
He laughs, honestly truly laughs, which surprises you, but makes you feel a little better all of a sudden. “I’ll take you up on that. My dad would be so pissed if I told him this happened just because.”  
You chuckle too, brushing your hair behind your ear. “Good.”

 

You and Finn fall into a more natural, less grim conversation as you locate the potatoes and start peeling them after he rinses them in the sink. The chef glares at you two a lot, but the other cooks seem to be uplifted by the casual talk going on between two soldiers that suffered through the Battle of Trost. Eventually, a cook comes to tell you to stop peeling and start chopping, which leaves Finn with nothing to do but sit in the corner of the kitchen and talk to you while you dice.

Before you know it, the kitchen is full with the smell of a heavy stew, making your mouth water as you realize how long has passed since lunch. The chef excuses you and Finn after giving you your bowls and a bread roll, sending you out to the cafeteria.

“I don’t mean this to be rude,” Finn says as you find a table to set both of your trays down on, since it was hard for him to carry his with one hand and no leverage. People start filing in around you, still quieter than you’re used to. “But do you mind if I sit with someone else?”  
“Huh?” you tilt your head. “I don’t mind. Who?”  
“Inha Beecher,” the boy mumbles shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. You smirk knowingly as soon as you catch the flush on his cheeks.  
“Oh, I see,” you say, lightly shoving his arm as you laugh. “You like her, huh?”  
“Hey,” he whines. “I saw her earlier, so…”  
You wave him off. “Go for it, Finn. Here, you take the tray the chef gave me and say you got it for her. She’ll be super excited.”  
Finn smiles honestly as you push both trays towards him. “Thanks, Y/N.”  
“No problem. I’m glad you’re okay.” you smile back, then leave him alone, walking around to see if you can spot Sasha in the crowd. When you do, you stroll up behind her, grabbing her hand. She jumps, yelping with her hand clutched to her chest.

“Oh my god, Y/N!” she gasps as you laugh. “You scared me!”  
“Sorry,” you lace your fingers together. “Hey, I made the potatoes in the stew today.” you comment as the two of you start walking to the line. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch Finn waving Inha over, gesturing to the food already on the table. 

“I hope they’re good,” Sasha hums, swinging your hands. “I feel so much better now that you’re back.”  
“Good.” you nod. “I’m glad to be around again.”

 

You and Sasha end up sitting across from Jean and Connie, similar to the old days. Both are quiet, which you pay little mind to as the only reason Sasha is talkative is because she’s busy complimenting you on the potatoes. 

It hits you when you’re looking around and you see Christa and Ymir sitting together, and the other direction, Reiner, Annie, and Bertholdt all at the same table. You finish a spoonful of your stew and swallow.

“Where’s Marco?” you ask, grabbing your water to take a drink. “Is he sitting with other people or something?”

You set the water back down and immediately sense the shift in the mood. Sasha pauses with her spoon halfway to her mouth, Connie’s eyes keep glancing between you and Jean, and Jean is absolutely silent and frozen still. 

A familiar feeling washes over you as you look around at each of them, eyes widening. It’s the same feeling you got right before Mikasa told you about Eren’s supposed death in the headquarters.  
The feeling of already knowing, but not wanting it to be true.

“Guys?” you say, your voice hoarse all of a sudden.  
Jean’s jaw clenches tighter, but he doesn’t look at you. 

“Y/N…” Connie starts, but trails off, sighing, pressing his hands against his forehead. “Marco… he…”

“Marco is dead.” Jean says bluntly, staring into his bowl. “I found his body after I came to visit you two days ago. We burned him earlier.”

“What?” your lip trembles as you set down your cutlery, staring at Jean. “You’re… you’re joking, right? Marco… no, he was alive! Jean, you and I saw him! The battle was almost over! He’s not… he- he can’t be-”  
“Y/N,” Sasha grabs your hands and you realize just how fiercely they were shaking. You squeeze your eyes shut, gasping.  
“Marco… no… he was alive, I saw him… I was supposed to ask him… something, I had something to ask him... I _saw_ him-”  
“And I saw his dead body.” Jean’s voice cuts through your panicked whispers harshly. You look up at him and find his eyes matching your gaze. You see the shininess of tears on his waterline, the painful twist of his features as he looks at you, not hiding his sorrow. “I saw his dead body, and I carried him to the pyre, and I watched him burn. He’s not like Eren. He’s dead, and he’s never coming back.”

Jean stands, looking away from you. He looks like he’s toying with the idea of saying something else, but he ends up just walking away without another word, leaving his untouched food on the table.

“It’s not your fault,” Sasha says, trying to comfort you. “You didn’t know, Y/N.”

But later that night as you lie in bed above Mikasa’s empty bunk, you can only think about what Marco might have looked like dead. Your brain swims with the images of his typically lively face, freckles splattered across his nose and cheeks, and his good-natured smile. They all twist into something deformed; his skin turns greyish and shrinks back against his skull, blood hits his body in patterns like his freckles, he’s cold when you lean down to touch him-

You shudder, hugging your pillow tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i actually write ahead meaning the reason i can post so often is because i am a few chapters ahead of what you all see. the point is i just finished chapter 18 and i cant wait for you guys to read that one haha.  
> hope everyone enjoys this chapter~


	15. fifteen - branches

The next morning, Mikasa and Armin return from the Interior, and their presence at breakfast creates a storm of conversation. 

“Yeah, Eren’s joining the Survey Corps,” Armin confirms as the table you three are eating at is crowded by your curious comrades.  
“Who decided?” someone eagerly asks, leaning on the table. You rip off a piece of your toast, annoyed by the fact that this group of people is keeping you from asking your friends about Eren’s current wellbeing.

“Commander Darius Zackly,” Armin answers calmly.  
The crowd oohs and ahhs, comments of “That’s crazy!” and “Wow, the commander!” being the most common.

“Did you guys meet Captain Levi?” a girl you recognize as someone who slept in the room next to yours at training camp questions, eyes wide with interest.  
“Yes, and next time I see him I’m going to-”  
Armin cuts Mikasa off, sounding urgent. “He was great! So inspiring. Very smart and cool.”  
Mikasa shoots him a dirty look that makes you frown. What was that about? Was this the same Captain Levi they call humanity’s strongest soldier? 

“Hey, everyone,” your eyes widen as you hear Jean’s tired voice. Almost like he’s some kind of respected figure among the cadets, everyone goes silent. You see him through the crowd, his height helping him stand out. “We still have work to do today. You should all eat breakfast and interrogate those two later.”

With groans and whines, the crowd reluctantly fades out, people heading to grab food or back to the tables they’d claimed before.  
Your eyes follow Jean as he goes to sit alone, his posture slacking and his movement sluggish. 

“You can’t make them dislike Captain Levi!” Armin’s hushed scolding of Mikasa causes your head to turn back to them. “He’s a source of motivation for everyone!”  
“He hurt Eren.” Mikasa says plainly. You ahh in understanding. That’s why she had that reaction.

“What happened in the trial?” you ask, chewing on another piece of your toast. “How’s Eren?”  
“He seemed okay,” Armin says, eating his own breakfast with utmost composure compared to Mikasa, who still seems to be quietly fuming. “The tides seemed to be turning against him, so Captain Levi took some extreme measures to make sure he’d be allowed to go to the Survey Corps instead of getting executed by the Military Police.”

“Extreme measures?” you question, tilting your head. “Are you telling me Eren got his ass kicked in a court of law?”  
“Yes, basically,” Armin admits.  
“He lost a tooth,” Mikasa’s eyes narrow. “I’ll never forgive that little brat.”

“...Are you talking about Captain Levi?” you ask, unable to keep form chuckling. “Is he short, or are you using little as a general insult?”  
“He’s short, which means I can definitely take him,” Mikasa nods to herself.  
Armin laughs at that, so you feel like you can too.

“Anyway,” you start, finishing your toast off. “Did you get to talk to Eren at all? After the trial was over?”  
Armin shakes his head. “Commander Erwin and Captain Levi took him right away, and we got brought to a carriage right after, too.” he sighs. “I wish we’d been able to, though.”

You nod, biting your lip as you frown. “I really need to apologize to him. It was only a little over a week ago, but with everything that’s happened, I feel like we’ve been in an argument for forever…”

“What did you two even fight about?” Armin asks, curiosity sparkling in his eyes. “That last day in camp at lunch, when he left and we followed him out, he said he couldn’t believe how you were acting. I thought it was kind of dramatic.” 

Sigh. Why are you not surprised?

“He was upset by the fact that…” you start, but stop, wondering how you should phrase this. “I’m not sure how we got there, but… he said he was wrong about me. That he thought I was different from other people who only think about themselves, and don’t care about humanity, and that thinking that was wrong.” you stare down into your water, embarrassed because he had only said the truth, and now Mikasa and Armin would know, too.

“That’s not true though, Y/N,” Armin says. You look up, confused. His expression reads determination as he looks at you. “I don’t think you only care about yourself at all. If that was the case, you wouldn’t have broken your ankle trying to get back to HQ. You wouldn’t have refused to leave before seeing that Eren was alive. You wouldn’t have come back into the fray of things even though you were injured. I heard you even sent your own team back to the wall and stayed out to try and save Jean.” 

Armin hums, smiling softly. “Maybe that’s what you think about yourself- that you don’t care about humanity, and that you do things for yourself. Even if that was true to an extent, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, since most people want to keep themselves alive. But regardless of why Eren came to that conclusion about you, I don’t think it’s true that you’re self-serving or anything like that. He should probably apologize to you, next time you see each other.”

Armin then pauses, frowning. “But you’re joining the Military Police, aren’t you… I mean, maybe you’ll see him sometime-”  
“She’s joining the Legion.” Mikasa cuts in, the slightest pull on the corners of her lips telling you she’s happy about what she’s just said. You shrug as Armin looks at you in shock.

“What? Why? When did you decide?” he asks, eyebrows skyrocketing up.  
“That was always my plan,” you say truthfully. “I wasn’t even planning on getting into the top ten, to be honest. I feel kind of bad that I took Christa’s spot when she wanted to join the Military Police.”  
“You deserved your ranking,” Mikasa says, giving you a hard look.  
“That’s what Eren said too,” you mumble, chuckling as you take a sip of your water. “Anyway, keep it to yourself that I’m joining the Survey Corps, Armin. I don’t want anyone else getting weird ideas just because I’m going.”  
“What about because I’m going?” Mikasa says, which you realize is a joke as she smiles into her cup of water.  
“Or me?” Armin continues it, grinning.  
“Huh?” you nearly spit out the water you’d just sipped. “Are you serious, Armin?”  
“Oh, you didn’t know…” he chuckles, abashed. “Right…”

The bell rings, signaling that breakfast is over.

“Are we still working on cleaning the city?” Armin ponders aloud as the three of you stand up with your trays.  
“Yes,” says Mikasa. “It’s the last day we have to do it.”  
“Good luck, you guys,” you tell them, setting your tray on the counter where the cooks will take them to wash later.

Oh wait, you’ll be washing them, because that’s what you’ll be doing all day instead of cleanup in the city. 

“See you at lunch, Y/N,” Mikasa says, before turning over her shoulder and leaving the hall with Armin.  
“See you,” you repeat back to yourself. 

 

The rest of the day is spent with Finn, washing and drying dishes and then preparing food for lunch and dinner. You sit with Mikasa and Armin at both meals, too ashamed to even be near Jean after asking so insensitively about Marco yesterday. It feels almost refreshing to spend some time with them instead of your usual group of friends, like you’re preparing to see Eren again soon.

The next morning which was meant to be somewhat of a celebration for your class because there was no more cleaning of Trost to be done, turned out to twist into something nerve racking and strange

The two titans that the Survey Corps captured to study were killed by someone with access to vertical maneuver gear, which meant that all of you were subject to being questioned on the state of your gear, as they had recovered the abandoned set used by the killer. 

As such, here you are, at 8 o’clock sharp in the headquarters, answering random questions about your gear.

“You haven’t had this gear in your possession since the Battle?” the officer asks you, frowning.  
“No sir, I was injured during the battle and the garrison soldier who took me to a hospital inside Wall Rose brought my equipment back here the same day.” you answer, feeling nervous even though you know it obviously wasn’t you.  
“Where is your injury, soldier?” the man questions, his eyes narrowing. You resist the urge to scoff and lift up your foot.  
“Broken and sprained ankle, sir.”  
He nods. “That’s fine, soldier. Everything adds up.” he gestures to the soldier behind him. “Put hers back.”

“Name?” the soldier asks, moving on to Sasha on your right.  
“Sasha Braus, 104th Trainee Corps,” she answers, seeming dull. Her energy just hasn’t been quite the same since that first moment you saw the Colossal Titan.

You zone out of the conversation between Sasha and the interrogation officer, instead choosing to glance around, wondering who among you it may have been. Are they even sure it was a member of the 104th? Though, there are some members of the Garrison here, too. You just find it strange. Killing titans is encouraged on the battlefield for obvious reasons, but to kill the ones taken for scientific research? You don’t know much about science or studying organisms of any kind, but with titans, wouldn’t doing that just benefit humanity? Even if you hate titans to an Eren Jaeger degree, isn’t it only benefitting the mindless beasts themselves to kill ones captured for a reason? 

Unless the person who killed them did it on purpose, with the thought of keeping the Survey Corps from collecting more information on them in mind. But who would do that?

“Annie Leonhart, 104th Trainee Corps.” 

You slightly focus back in, realizing that your line will be dismissed soon, as Annie is near the end. She steps forward as she presents her gear. Unlike you, most of your comrades had had their gear in their direct possession the past few days and took them here this morning. 

The officer asks her some questions as she takes out the actual maneuvering device for them to inspect. Your eyes drag over the case holding the rest of Annie’s gear- the blade scabbards and handles. God, how many times did you get dragged into gear maintenance during training camp? They always sucked, except for that one time you and Eren were together. But even he was acting weird that day.  
Annie’s gear was always in impeccable condition. She was kind of messy in your shared room- she tended to leave her clothes and stuff on her bed and often got in trouble for not having her bed made correctly. But her gear was a different story. A lot of the time when you’d walk in after dinner, Annie was sitting on the floor, carefully cleaning and inspecting her gear. She was also not a risky flyer, so she never had a lot of scratches or nicks like your own gear.

“Huh?” With that exact thought in mind, you can’t stop the small sound of confusion from passing your lips as you check out the scabbards. On the left one, even though it’s tucked horizontally into the velvet of the case, you catch sight of a large, deep nick on the edge. For some reason, this stands out a lot to you… you just can’t remember why. 

“What’s wrong?” Sasha whispers. You look over and her expression is drawn up into worry.  
You shake your head, smiling softly at her. “Nothing, nothing.” It’s probably just the fact that you’ve never seen anything wrong with Annie’s gear. But you can’t really blame her, all of you went through a lot during that battle. She could have fallen or been hit with something and dented her scabbard. 

You push the nagging thought that it should be reminding you of something away, unwilling to be plagued with worries for the rest of the day. 

 

As dusk approaches later in the day, you stick with Mikasa while walking to the same area that you had the graduation ceremony almost a week ago. It seems like so much more time has passed since then to you, but as soon as you step onto the dusty dry earth of the field in front of the stage, you remember how it felt to stand there among the top ten. 

“It’s finally happening,” you say, heaving out a breath of exertion as you ease yourself into a sitting position against a wall, Mikasa effortlessly sliding down next to you. “Are you excited?”

She hums, and her usual calm, stony exterior is cracked by the slightest smile. 

“You get to see Eren again, is that why?” you chuckle, brushing your hair back from your face. “I’m glad too.”  
“He might be mad at you when he sees you.” Mikasa says, surprising you. You turn to her, head tilted.  
“Why? Because of our argument?”  
She shakes her head. “I don’t think he ever expected you to join the Legion. He didn’t even want me and Armin to join, so chances are he’ll be upset that you’re risking your life like this.”  
You frown. “I… I guess so, but he seemed upset that I’d waste my skills in the Garrison when we talked about it. Wouldn’t he just be happy that I’m putting them to good use in the Survey Corps?”  
“He’s probably conflicted,” Mikasa’s eyes shut. She seems very at peace. “Eren is like that. I think he wants to keep us all safe and away from the Survey Corps, but also feels comforted by the fact that he won’t be alone there.”  
You hum, nodding.

Both of you are quiet for a bit, as Mikasa seems to be settled into her own thoughts and you look around, observing your other classmates. Compared to the 218 people who were at the graduation ceremony, your numbers are severely cut down. There are so many missing faces- many of the girls you saw every morning and night in the dorm are gone.  
Even Marco, one of the best soldiers of the 104th, is nowhere to be seen. Jean is sitting by himself across the field, his fists clenched tight, looking deep in thought.

“Oh,” you say, and Mikasa opens her eyes. “Do you think Christa will be allowed to join the Military Police now? Since Marco…” you can’t really finish, but you know the idea will come across.

“I guess so,” says Mikasa, shrugging. “It’ll be a shame for Ymir if they’re separated though.”  
“Yeah, those two have been stuck together since the first day of camp,” you muse, remembering Ymir leaning on Christa as the petite blonde girl greeted you in your doorway. Plus, you’d walked past their room at night way too many times not to know exactly what was going on between them…

“Y/N,” Mikasa calls your name, so you glance over at her. “What does the person you’re joining the Legion to find look like? I just had the thought that I might have seen them when I went to Eren’s trial.”

Your eyes open wide in excitement, and you sit up. “You’re right! I hadn’t even thought of that!” you shut your eyes then, trying to picture Isabel’s face. “She had red hair which was kind of messy, and her eyes were green I think, she was pale…” you bite your lip, eyes opening again. “I don’t remember very clearly. I was young when she left.”  
“What was her name?” Mikasa asks. “I don’t really remember anyone looking like that, but maybe someone said her name.”  
You try not to deflate in lost hope. “Isabel. I don’t know her last name though.”  
“Isabel,” Mikasa repeats. She looks apologetic. “Sorry, Y/N. I guess she wasn’t there.”

You shrug, trying to seem like you’re not disappointed. “It’s fine, I’ll find her when we get to the Survey Corps’ base.”

“Trainees, line up!” the loud voice of some higher up shouts from the stage as you and Mikasa both look in that direction. “Line up in front of the stage! No need to stand in your ranks! Line up in front of the stage!”

Mikasa grunts as she stands up, offering a hand to you silently.  
“Thanks,” you murmur, taking it and using her strength to hoist yourself up. 

 

In just about forty-five minutes, night has fallen and officials are starting to fill up the stage, while the 104th stands strong in front of them. Mikasa is on your right, and on hers is Armin. You can’t see Sasha, Jean, or Connie anywhere in the crowd, but you resolve to say goodbye to them before they leave for the MP’s. Connie did say he was going to join the Legion, but for some reason, you just aren’t convinced that he still feels the same after the Battle. 

“Cadets, at attention!” your instructor, Commander Shadis calls out, and all of you move smoothly into the stance of your hands behind your backs, feet in shoulder width position, with your chins raised up slightly.

Another man steps forward- you recognize him as Erwin Smith, who many people had been shouting encouragements to in Trost the morning the Survey Corps departed on their scouting missions. 

“I am Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps.” he introduces himself with the kind of strong, confident voice that matches his stature and role. “Today, you will choose a military branch. To put it bluntly, I am here to convince you to join the Survey Corps.”

You swallow.  
It’s starting to feel real.

“During the titan attack, you learned how terrifying they can be, and how limited your own power is. However- this battle brought humanity closer to victory it’s ever been: Through Eren Jaeger’s existence. By risking his own life, he’s proven himself without a doubt, a friend to humanity.”

Eren. You wonder where he is right now. Even if he’s already been taken into the Legion, they could have let him come back here and be with his fellow members of the 104th just for solidarity.

“With his help, not only did we stop the titans’ advance, but we have a way to discover their true nature!”

This surprises you, but you keep your expression level and don’t move an inch- after all, Shadis is standing right there, and you’re still a little nervous to mess up in front of him. But Commander Smith’s words are something you’ve never heard before… a way to find out what titans really are, where they came from?

“We believe that in the basement of Eren Jaeger’s home in Shiganshina, there are answers about the titans that he himself doesn’t have. If we can reach that basement, we will find the clue that will end this century of being ruled over by the titans.”

Strangely, Commander Smith begins to look around, almost like he’s observing you all, and your reactions to his statement. Most people are whispering among themselves, or at least gasped. You just frown.  
Eren’s basement? Does it have anything to do with the fact that he can turn into a titan? But if he doesn’t know anything, why would there be any information in his basement…

“We will head for the basement in Shiganshina. However, that requires us to retake Wall Maria. In other words, our objective hasn’t changed.”

Two other members of the Survey Corps walk across the stage, opening up a map of the walls, with a red X painted over Trost.

Commander Smith continues. “But with the Trost gate sealed off, we will have to depart from Karanes and take the long way around. The four years we spent laying down a route for a large army have gone to waste. In those four years, more than sixty percent of the Survey Corps lost their lives.”

That is enough for a small gasp to pass your lips.  
Sixty percent?  
How do they even have enough people to function? Only four out of every ten people who join the Legion survive?

“Sixty percent in four years… an insane figure. Any trainees who join will participate in our excursion beyond Wall Rose in a month’s time. We expect thirty percent won’t return. In four years, most will be dead. But those who survive will become superior soldiers with a high survival rate.”

The Commander pauses, letting that sink in.

Should you… really be doing this? 

If you join the Military Police, maybe you won’t be putting your abilities in the maneuver gear or your apparent strength in killing titans to use, but you could help in other ways. You may not be booksmart, but you know how people work, you could find a way to climb the ranks of the MPs. And you could use a high position to improve life for the people of your hometown, the underground city. You could try to get all the orphans like you out of there, into the sun, into the fresh air of the countrysides…

But where will they go, if all humanity has left is Wall Rose? 

Would you really be saving them completely if you bring them out of the underground only to introduce them to a world where they’re trapped inside cramped walls, still struggling to eat and survive?

If you join the Survey Corps, you can make a new world for them. If there really is the secret to the titans hidden in Shiganshina, all you have to do is get there, and maybe you’ll be able to change life as you know it.

Maybe none of you will ever be trapped again.

“Knowing these discouraging facts,” Commander Erwin’s strong voice brings your attention back to him. “Any still willing to risk their lives, remain here. Ask yourself… _are you willing to offer up your beating heart for humanity?_ ”

The commander’s passionate words ring out, almost feeling like they echo, even though you’re in an enclosed space. You squeeze your eyes shut, composing yourself. You made this choice long ago, and you will stay with it. 

“That is all. Anyone wishing to join another branch is dismissed.”

People begin looking around, looking for others who are desperate to leave, looking for anyone else who won’t make them feel ashamed for taking the less risky options.

You don’t think any less of anyone, though. Not even as they push past you, shoulders shoving into you and you struggle to keep balance. Mikasa reaches out to stabilize you, her eyes set straight forward the whole time. 

You don’t blame them at all.  
There’s no shame in wanting to protect yourself, or stay alive. There’s no shame in knowing you’re not strong enough to fight, or survive.

Your teeth dig into your bottom lip as it starts to tremble.  
If there’s no shame, why are you shaking as you stand here, knowing you’ll have to face _them_ again?

Haven’t you always been adamant about the fact that you don’t care about humanity- about being someone who does things for themselves? Why are you deciding to do this for the sake of other people, for the sake of freedom, and not for your own sake?

_“I don’t think you only care about yourself at all. If that was the case, you wouldn’t have broken your ankle trying to get back to HQ. You wouldn’t have refused to leave before seeing that Eren was alive. You wouldn’t have come back into the fray of things even though you were injured. I heard you even sent your own team back to the wall and stayed out to try and save Jean.”_

Eyes opening right away, you turn your head to look over at Armin, who seems to be steeling himself as the crowd of people leaving around you begins to thin out. 

_Are you right about me, Armin?_ You ask him mentally. _Am I not even who I think I am?_

Suddenly, there’s nobody left but those of you staying to join the Legion, but as you’re standing close to the front and in the middle, you can’t tell who else is here besides the three of you. 

Commander Erwin is stiffer, a little less strong as he looks out at you. His expression almost seems sad- like he’s already imagining your deaths, the blood that will be on his hands.

“Can you die if you’re ordered to?” the Commander asks. 

“I don’t want to die!”

You resist the urge to whip your head around as the voice calling out those words matches a face in your mind. Your eyes open wide, your jaw drops slightly, hands beginning to shake again.

_Don’t tell me… don’t tell me that Jean…_

“I see.” Commander Smith smiles softly. “I like the looks on your faces. Then, I welcome everyone here to the Survey Corps! This is a true salute! Offer up your hearts!”

“Yes, sir!” you all shout, slamming your fists to your chests passionately. 

You resist the urge to look around as the whimpers and muttering start to sound more and more familiar. Who joined? Are they… why are so many of your friends standing here right now?

“You have done well to endure your fear,” the Commander says. “You are brave soldiers. You have my heartfelt respect.”

Another short pause, where your breath only quickens, tears stinging your eyes as you realize what is going on here.

“We leave in the morning for the new Survey Corps base. Dismissed.”

You whip around instantly, eyes widening further as you see exactly who you’d been hoping would leave.

“Sasha… Connie… Jean…” their names pass your lips in just a breath. 

Sasha is bent over, sobbing fiercely while Connie, with a darkened expression, pats her back, not even glancing up at you. Christa also seems to be crying, but trying to hold it in as Ymir brushes through her hair comfortingly.

“You,” Jean’s voice is low when he speaks to you, his eyes cold. “What the hell are you doing here?”  
“I should be asking you that!” you snap, feeling the tears spring from your eyes as you walk forward, shoving him roughly. “All that time talking about joining the Military Police, and now you’re… now…”

You break down, throat closing up as the tears rack over you. 

“All of you… why don’t you want to be safe? I don’t get it!” you cry out, clenching your fists. “If you have a family, if you have people who care about you, why are you risking your lives like this?”

“You idiot!” Jean says sharply, grabbing your shoulders and practically shaking you. “Do you think nobody cares about you? Or that you’re useless or something? Did you join the Legion just to be titan food? It’s you that I don’t get!”  
“No, I just-!” you cry out again, dropping your forehead onto his shoulder. “I don’t want to watch anyone else die!” the words come out cracked and dry, painful. 

Everything is silent for a moment, the only sounds in the air being the hushed crying of you, Sasha, and Christa.

“...None of us are going to die.” 

Jean’s confident voice makes you lift your head, watching his jaw tighten as he wraps one arm around your shoulders and looks out at all of you standing there. Even Reiner and Bertholdt are here, too…

“We can do this.” Jean clenches his fists. “We can fight… 

“And we can win!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be a short interlude and our boi eren is involved~~~


	16. interlude - bloom

**YEAR 849**

 

“This is so weird.”

You glance across the room at Sasha, sitting up on her bed. You can only see her outline because of the moonlight shining through the window.

“What is?” you ask, rolling over onto your side, cheek pressed into your pillow. 

Sasha sighs dramatically. “I’m used to Annie sneaking out, but now that Mikasa’s in the infirmary too, it feels like we’re super alone.”  
You nod in understanding. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“Where do you think Annie even goes at night?” Sasha slumps over into a weird position that looks uncomfortable- but she sits in unusual ways a lot.  
“Ummm…” you look out the window and spot a makeout session happening between Franz and Hannah at the back of the boys’ dorm. You’re sure it’s them because you saw Hannah’s neck while showering the other day, and well... there’s nothing more to be said.

“I don’t know.” you settle on.

“I think she’s secretly dating Reiner,” Sasha says with certainty. You jump up into a sitting position, looking towards her incredulously.  
“Are you joking? There’s no way that’s true.”  
Sasha’s jaw drops. “I swear I saw him sneaking out at the same time as her like a month ago! Seriously!”  
“Okay, well, I swear I saw Bertholdt sneaking out at the same time as her two months ago!”  
Sasha snickers. “Okay, well, what if they’re partaking in some sort of three-way arrangement-”  
You scowl. “Gross. I don’t need that image in my head.”  
“Yeah, not sure how that would work, actually, since Annie’s so small-”

You chuck your pillow at her aggressively, satisfied at the ‘ow!’ that sounds as it hits. “Will you shut it?!”

Sasha cackles. “Sorry. But it’s funny, right? Think about it, Y/N-”  
“I swear on God I will eat your breakfast tomorrow.”

“I take it back!”

 

The words on the page of notes you took all scramble together as you look at them, only confusing you more. 

“You spelled ‘maneuver’ wrong,” Jean leans over your shoulder from behind you and points to a spot on your paper. “And also omnidirectional. And departure. And-”  
“Okay, thanks.” you snap, swatting his hand away. “I know I’m bad at spelling.”  
“Not sure how or why,” Jean’s mouth falls close to your ear and he whispers ever so lowly. “ _Sina girl._ ”

You whip around, glaring at him, but he just laughs, that shit-eating grin tormenting you as per usual.

“Asshole,” you grumble, collecting your notes and putting them inside your folder to leave inside the desk.  
“It’s okay, Y/N,” Christa on your left offers you a comforting smile as you all stand, getting ready to leave. “Some people just have a hard time reading and writing. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”  
“Thanks,” you smile wryly.  
“I don’t know, didn’t you turn fourteen a couple weeks ago, Y/N?” Ymir snickers. “I feel like you should be able to spell departure at that age.”  
“Ymir!” Christa hits the older girl on the arm gently. “Don’t make her feel bad!”

You just sigh, following them out the door.

 

“Y/N! Coming to the bonfire tonight?” Mina’s bright smile and crinkly eyes lift your spirits a little, but you shake your head.

“Thanks, Mina, but I’m gonna go visit Mikasa and see how she’s doing.”

The girl ahhs, nodding. “Oh, good idea! Send her my condolences.”  
“I will,” you assure her, heading the opposite way.

After the strict lessons in the morning and for another two hours after lunch, you were given the rest of the day off. You’d spent about two hours hanging out with Sasha and Connie playing cards and then doing some shooting practice. Once you got back to the dorms and cleaned yourself up, you’d heard about the so-called ‘bonfire’ that a bunch of trainees were planning on, but even with Sasha begging you to go, you just didn’t feel up to it.

So here you are instead, knocking on the door to the medical center.

“What can I do for you, cadet?” a nurse opens the door, clearly identifiable by her white coat. You never come to the infirmary, so you don’t know her name, but her face is so pretty and calm that you feel relaxed just by looking at her.  
“Oh, I was coming to visit Mikasa Ackerman, 104th cadet corps…” you trail off, not sure if that’s how you do this at all.  
The nurse chuckles. “Of course, come right in. She has a visitor already, though.”

You tilt your head, wondering who that could be as you follow the nurse through the doorway and down a hall.

“Just make sure to stay quiet, as this is the room where they’re all resting. Nobody in here should be drastically contagious, but I wouldn’t recommend hugging your friend nonetheless.” she tells you.  
“Right,” you nod.

She opens the door on the left and lets you into a room with ten beds spaces apart. Five or six are taken up, so it takes a moment for you to find Mikasa, but you do, especially since a certain Eren Jaeger is sitting next to her.

“Thank you,” you tell the nurse, who smiles and leaves, closing the door behind her.

A few steps bring you over to Mikasa’s bed, and subsequently, in front of Eren.

“Is she sleeping?” you whisper loudly, pointing at your friend. 

Eren practically jumps out of his chair, clutching his heart and gasping, making you clamp your hand over your mouth to keep from laughing out loud. 

“What the hell!” he whispers back harshly as you giggle behind your hand.  
“Sorry,” you manage to say.

After a moment of recovery for the both of you, a slight awkward air sets in, wherein you remember that you have very rarely been alone with Eren without Mikasa, Armin, or someone else there too.  
Well, there’s other people here too, but they’re asleep, so.

“Yeah, she’s sleeping.” Eren says, which you nod at, having assumed that by this point.

Another moment passes in a weird silence, and then he stands up. “You can sit down.” he talks in a quiet voice, but no longer whispering.  
You wave your hands. “No, no, that’s okay! I’ll grab another seat-”  
“No, I’ll grab another seat.” Eren says, insisting. He slides past you and walks across the room with purpose, picking up a chair and carrying it over. 

You sit in the one he’d been sitting it before as he sits down in the new chair.

“Uh, so…” you glance away awkwardly. “Have you been here since we got out of class?”  
“Yeah,” Eren sighs. “I felt bad not coming.”  
“Right…” you nod. “Um, do you want to go, then? I don’t mind.” 

You feel Eren’s eyes on you, so you turn to face him again. “No, that’s fine. Wouldn’t you feel weird being her by yourself?”  
You shake your head. “Not really, I mean, Mikasa and I are friends.”

Eren looks surprised. “What? Really? Has she called you that?”  
You look at him quizzically. “...Her friend?”  
He nods. “Yeah.”  
“Yeah, she’s called me that. We sleep on the same bunk bed, Eren. Kind of hard not to be friends.”

 _Well, maybe not totally true._ You don’t think Annie would call Sasha her friend even though they share a bunk.

“I’m impressed,” Eren says, and he looks it, too. “She doesn’t make friends. Like, ever.”  
“Yeah, that makes sense.” you say. He frowns, which makes you chuckle, waving your hands. “I don’t mean it in a bad way, it’s just, she’s really quiet… you know what I mean!”

“I do,” he admits. “Mikasa’s anti-social and that’s that. She’s better at beating people up than just talking to them.”

“Aren’t you kind of like that, too?” you hum.  
“ _What?!_ ” Eren’s eyes widen, but when you shush him, he settles down, looking around nervously. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you and Jean always fight instead of just talking out your differences.” you suggest.  
“Because he’s an asshole,” Eren says like it’s obvious.  
You shrug. “Guess I can’t argue with that.”

“Anyway,” Eren says, leaning back in his chair and regarding you with curiosity. “What do you even talk to Mikasa about? Just wondering.”  
You hum, thinking about your conversations. “I mean, mostly me and Sasha talk and Mikasa nods along or says that she agrees. But when her and I talk, we usually talk about training, or sometimes other trainees.”

“What, like gossip?” Eren scoffs. “Mikasa? Gossiping?”  
“Not gossip,” you roll your eyes. “Just like, how people are doing and stuff. Or what we think of them.”  
“So, gossip.”  
“Psh. Whatever. Call it gossip if you want.”

Eren sighs. “So I guess that means you’ve talked about me?”  
You give him the side-eye. “Is that your way of trying to get me to tell you what Mikasa thinks about you or something?”  
“Huh?” Eren’s eyes go wide again. “No! I just mean- I just-”  
You wave him off. “Don’t worry. Mikasa likes you plenty. She tells me about you all the time.”  
Eren cringes. “It’s really not like that between us. She may be adopted, but she’s like my real sister.”  
“Really?” you raise a brow. “It kind of doesn’t seem like that.”  
Eren groans, pressing his hands against his eyes and rubbing roughly. “Ugh, god, I swear! She’s just really protective because of-”

He stops abruptly.

“Because of what?” you ask, tilting your head, wondering if he knows that you know already.

“Um…” Eren avoids your eyes as his hands slip from his face. “Just… just um…”

“Mikasa told me how she got adopted by your family,” you tell him, to spare him the struggle of trying to come up with a believable lie. 

“What?” he gasps, jaw dropping. “You’re joking, right?”  
“Keep your voice down!” you scold, frowning. “No, I’m not.”  
“How much did she tell you?” Eren looks extremely concerned, which you find a little weird, because it’s not like either of them did anything _wrong_ in this story. They just got put in a tragic position.

“Well, she told me that…” you trail off, glancing around to make sure everyone actually looks like they’re sleeping. Eren is visibly tense when your eyes slide back to him. “She told me about how you and your dad went to her house to do a checkup and that it was burning down when you got there. She said that you went in there to save her against your father’s wishes and that’s why she feels indebted to you.”

Eren is frozen still for a moment, staring at you with furrowed brows, and then in one smooth action, relaxes completely. “Oh.”

You frown. “‘Oh’? You seemed super worried just a minute ago.”

He waves his hands. “Yeah, that’s because… that’s because Armin is the only other person that knows the real story.”  
“What does that have to do with that kind of reaction?” you roll your eyes. “You’re kind of weird, Eren.”  
“Listen,” he says, leaning forward. “Just don’t spread that around, okay? I don’t want people to judge me or Mikasa.”  
You shrug. “I don’t know why they would, but I won’t, just like I haven’t.”

“Thanks,” he leans back into his chair. “I’m surprised she told you, though.”  
“Me too,” you admit. “All I asked about that night was why she likes you so much, and then she told me that whole story.”  
“She doesn’t like me,” Eren groans again, throwing an arm over his eyes. “Please don’t use that word.”  
“If you say so,” you shrug. “It wouldn’t be weird, since you’re not related-”  
“It is weird! It’s super weird! I promise you, it’s weird!”

You smile, a breath of laughter passing through your lips. “Alright.”

“So, what do you and Mikasa say about Horse-face, when you gossip?

 

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

 

“Eren, I don’t think this is a good idea.”  
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine!”

The boy’s enthusiastic reply doesn’t do much to quell the anxiety rising in the pit of your chest the deeper the two of you trek into the dark forest. This isn’t the one you practice most of your maneuvering in, it’s the other, sketchier one, with animals and stuff, and no security.

You wring your hands together, glancing around nervously everytime you hear a sound. Not only are you scared of the animals (considering despite having been here a year and a half, you still haven’t seen that many animals, like bears. Which you have an inexplicable fear of.) you’re also scared of getting caught by someone.

Sneaking out after hours is already punishable by running the track 100 times. You witnessed it the other day after Hannah and Franz, the couple you’ve been keeping tabs on for months, got caught behind the girls’ bathhouse.  
Sneaking out after hours to look at an illegal book that would be grounds for execution if found by the Military Police…  
You don’t even want to know what would happen if you and Eren got caught right now.

“Eren, seriously,” you grab his cloak, forcing him to stop and turn around. His features are defined only by a glimmer of white light filtering through the leaves above you- but his bright eyes are prominent as ever. “We could get in trouble with the government if someone sees that book.”

“I’ll just say I found it while we were sneaking out together,” he says, grinning. “That’s a believable story, right?”  
You flush, mouth dropping open in disbelief. You let go of his cloak to smack him on the arm. “Dumbass! That’s not even- hey!”  
He snickers, grabbing your hand and continuing along through the forest. “I told you, don’t worry." 

A few minutes of walking in silence later (you’re still in shock from Eren’s behavior), you stop in a small clearing, where the branches aren’t overhanging and the full moon shines down bright enough that you can see the boy in front of you clearly now. 

“Alright,” Eren says, letting go of your hand and settling down in the grass. “Ready?”

You look around, swallowing your anxiety down. “I guess so.”

Eren gestures for you to sit, so you plop yourself right next to him, watching with a nervous curiosity as he pulls the hefty book you’d caught a glimpse of from the bag he’d been carrying it in. He places the book down on your knees that are almost touching.

_Geographie._

You frown. “Is that how that’s spelled?”  
Eren shakes his head. “No, this is in another language.”  
This only confuses you further. “What does that mean?”  
He glances over, smiling. “This whole book is written in words that we can’t understand, but some people do. Armin says his grandpa could read these words. It was his book.”

You still don’t really get what he means by that. Other words? How can that be possible? You’ve never heard someone talk in anything other than the words you use everyday.

Eren flips open the cover carefully, as you can clearly tell that it’s old and worn out. 

“See?” he points to some scribbles on the first page. “This is the other language. There’s probably even more.”  
You shake your head. “How do you know those are real words? Those could just be made up.”  
Eren huffs. “Come on, Y/N. You told me you wanted to see it.”  
“I told you I wanted to see the pictures,” you correct. “I barely get our own language or whatever you want to call it.  
“Fine,” Eren flips to about halfway through the book. “This is the best part.”

A painting of what looks like a giant, endless lake is spread across two whole pages, with some kind of yellow stuff at the very front part.

“Woah,” your eyes are wide as you lean is close to the book. “What is this?”  
“It’s the ocean,” Eren says, his voice full of excitement. “Remember, I told you about it?”  
“Uh huh,” you nod, mesmerized by the painting. “This is what that is?”  
“Yeah, it’s supposed to look like this.”

Your fingertips trace over the page, in awe at the idea of it. “So it just, goes on… forever?” You look up at Eren for a confirmation.

He shakes his head. “No, there’s different lands on the other side of it. Like, fields full of sand, or rocks that burn, or ground made of ice.”  
“No way,” you breathe, looking back at the painting of the ocean. “Is there pictures of that stuff, too?”  
You can practically hear the grin in Eren’s voice as he answers. “Wanna see?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the meeting that was talked about in chapter 4! plus another one. plus sasha being sasha


	17. sixteen - the legion

The next morning, you wake up in a room that’s nearly empty. 

“This is weird,” Sasha’s voice is quiet and nervous as you, her, and Mikasa get dressed in your corner of the large dormitory, Mikasa shyly covering her eyes as you pull off your pajamas. “Everyone’s gone.”  
“Mhm, looks like they told the Garrison and Military Police people to leave early…” you don’t see Annie anywhere, which only confirms that. She was the only one out of your class’s final top ten not to join the Survey Corps.

“Hey, ladies! Wanna have some fun before we have to leave? It’s just us here!”  
Christa’s delicate gasp is followed by the sound of someone being hit, and you can guess who even though they’re out of your view. “Ymir!” 

Even though the mood among the five of you in the room has been pretty downcast since last night, Ymir’s cackling and suggestive comments make you chuckle, glad that her… promiscuous nature hasn’t changed at all. 

“Are we eating breakfast before we leave?” Sasha asks as she tugs on her boots. You do the same while Mikasa secures her signature red scarf around her neck.  
“No, we’re heading straight out.” the girl replies, hands smoothing over the wool of the scarf, almost fondly. All you know about that thing is that Eren gave it to her, and even though it’s ratty and threadbare, she only takes it off to go to sleep.

“Ah, geez,” Sasha whines, sounding more like herself. “Don’t they know we’re starving?”  
“Want to steal some food from the kitchens?” you suggest, shrugging when Mikasa gives you a pointed look. “Hey, I know the chef.”

“I’m down with that, Y/N!” Ymir calls, turning the corner so that she’s in sight. Christa follows closely behind, not seeming on board.  
“I am not down with that,” the blonde huffs, crossing her arms.  
“Me either,” Mikasa agrees.  
“Sasha, break the tie,” you sing-song to your friend, who is nibbling on her lower lip, like she’s in deep thought.

“Uhhhhhh…” 

A loud series of knocks on the door cause you to practically jump out of your skin, all of you turning towards it.

“Hey, girls, we’re waiting on you!” Reiner’s voice sounds through the heavy wood. “I won’t complain if you want to stick around and have some fun beforehand, but…”  
“That’s what I’m saying!” Ymir exclaims, throwing her hands up.

“Let’s go.” Mikasa deadpans, grabbing your and Sasha’s wrists and dragging you along behind her. “No breakfast theft. We’ll eat when we get there.”

 

The trek through the woods of Wall Rose is far different from when you’d been taken to Trost a week ago. Now, instead of riding in the back of a sketchy wagon, you’re walking. Or rather, hiking. Since the terrain is hell. 

You’d been given a walking cane to help with the off-balance of not being able to put a lot of weight on your right foot, but you’d been helped out more than a few times by either Mikasa to your side or Jean behind you due to just how rough the path has been. 

There wasn’t enough of you to justify wagons, apparently, which makes sense. After all, it’s a meager twenty-two people in comparison to the dozens who joined the Garrison. At least the Military Police only got Annie.

“God, how much longer can we possibly have?” Connie’s tired groan resonates with all of you.  
“Yeah, I’m so hungry I might pass out,” you look over at your friend treading along next to you, and Sasha’s face does look pale.  
“Check the bushes, there might be some berries,” Christa points to the edges of the trail. 

“I’d recommend against that,” Reiner gives her a skeptical look. “Do you even know what’s edible?  
“I’m not stupid, if that’s what you’re implying…”  
“I wasn’t implying that! I swear-”

“The castle’s up ahead.” Jean’s voice cuts through the argument. You glance back at him, chewing on your lip as you take in his disheveled appearance. Uniform wise, he looks pristine, as do all of you (besides the sweat) due to your strict rules during camp. But his eyes are dark, face sullen, and his hair is a complete mess. You wonder if he slept at all last night.

Despite Jean’s confident exclamation after you all picked the Survey Corps as your branch, you’d sensed the tone of desperation within his words. In the times that Jean used to talk about joining the MPs, his most common statement was that he had no intention of dying early. That always seemed to connect with his criticism of Eren’s “suicidal nature”.

It makes you wonder… was he that impassioned by Commander Erwin’s speech on the possibility of discovering more about the titans?  
Or was it just the reality of Marco’s death that spurred him to fight?

“Welcome, cadets!” 

The bright call from the opening of the path surprises you- for whatever reason, you hadn’t been expecting a welcoming party. But as your group of nineteen stops in front of the tall, jovial woman, you almost start laughing.

_Welcome new soldiers to the Survey Cours!_

Two members of the Legion are standing next to the woman, holding a big white banner with the message painted on it in sloppy red handwriting.

“Uhhh, I think there’s a spelling error on that.” Connie quirks a brow, but he speaks lowly so as not to be outwardly rude.  
“Pardon me,” Mikasa raises her hand just as the woman greeting you starts talking.  
“Oh, what is it cadet?” the woman asks, her head tilting.  
“That’s not how you spell ‘corps’.”

The woman’s eyes behind her goggles widen dramatically, and she turns right away, whispering with agitation to the two soldiers and shoo-ing them off with her hands. They nod and scramble away, rolling up the banner. 

“Ahaha, very sorry about that.” she says, turning back to you, and then claps her hands together. “Well! I’m Squad Leader Hange! You can all call me Captain Hange or just Hange if you get on my good side!”

“God,” you catch Jean’s grumble from behind. “I guess the people in the Legion really are nutcases.”

“All of you probably heard about my two darling titans’ savage murder a few days ago, right?” she continues, looking scorned as she seems to remember the event.

 _Savage… murder…?_  
Those two words just don’t go with the word ‘titan’ to you, but…

“Anyway, I’m the captain that performs those sort of experiments. I’m also working with your former classmate Eren Jaeger!”

Mikasa seems to brighten at that, craning her neck to see if Eren is around. You’d already checked out the area, though, and it seems that anyone hanging out on the castle grounds are cleaning or doing laundry, and none of them look like Eren.

“So, if any of you came into contact with the Colossal Titan or any abnormals besides Eren during the Battle of Trost, I’d be interested to hear about your experiences. With that said,” she sombers up, looking more serious. “All of you experienced something shocking and terrible just about a week ago. For fighting in and surviving the Battle of Trost and choosing to come here after all of it, you have both my respect and the respect of all the soldiers here.”

All of you are quiet.

Those words are another reminder that by picking the Survey Corps as your branch, you will have a life full of confronting titans, and of confronting the deaths of your friends and comrades. You will probably never reach the age of twenty, and if you do, reaching twenty-five would practically be a miracle.  
But that’s the life you’ve chosen. You have to live with it now. 

“Now that I’ve said that,” Captain Hange claps her hands together again, giving a grim smile. “You’ll be heading straight to lessons as per the Corporal’s orders.”

“ _What?_ ” Sasha gasps, then claps a hand over her mouth as the captain raises her eyebrow questioningly. “Captain, permission to speak?”  
Hange waves a hand. “You don’t have to do that with me, cadet. What’s the issue? I know school kind of sucks, but it’s for your benefit. Since you’ll all be going on the expedition in a month you’ll have to be familiar with our strategies.”

“It’s just that…” Sasha trails off, eyes darting around.  
“We haven’t had breakfast, Captain.” you say for your friend, shifting uncomfortably as soon as Hange’s gaze slides over to you.  
“Oh? Is that so?” she seems surprised, humming with her finger against her lower lip. “That’s not good, you all just hiked all the way from Trost…”

“Please give us food, Captain!” Sasha drops to her knees, pressing her hands together like she’s praying. Or begging, you guess. Begging dramatically.

Connie smacks a palm to his forehead, and you can see Reiner giving her the side-eye from up front. 

“Alright, let’s head to lunch early.” Hange sighs, as the rest of you quietly cheer. “The chef is going to be pissed, but it’ll hopefully be fine.”

“Thank God,” you mumble, brushing your hair away from your face. You seriously didn’t know if you’d have made it through anything else you’re so hungry that your stomach has passed the rumbling stage and moved on to the silent but painful one. 

“Let’s walk together, cadets! Why don’t we get to know each other on the way to lunch? Anyone here see the Colossal Titan?” Captain Hange starts walking, waving her hand to get you to follow her. 

“Connie saw it.” Reiner answers her, being the farthest in the front. He glances back- you think he’s looking at you, but then it almost looks like he’s looking behind you. A little confused by that, you just try to take the opportunity to wave your hands wildly so that he knows not to say that you also saw the Colossal Titan.

“Y/N saw it too.”

_Dammit!_

“Oh, who’s that? You two, come up here! Eren and I haven’t really had time to talk about the big guy just yet!”

Resisting the urge to groan, you push through the group and make your way up to the front, Connie begrudgingly ending up on the other side of Captain Hange. 

“So, what was it like? Really as big as noted by the Garrison? You two were with Eren when it happened, right? I want to know everything about its behavior. Everything!”

 

“Hey, wake up.” 

You groan in confusion, lifting your head from where it was resting against your palm to find Jean not looking at you at all. But that was definitely him just talking to you, right?

“Shit,” you whisper, remembering where you are. Hopefully Squad Leader Ness, the soldier explaining Commander Erwin’s long-range scouting formation, hadn’t seen you dozing off.

You really can’t help it- you had gotten out of the habit of paying attention in class at training camp and now being stuck in a lecture hall again after experiencing so much action was just painfully boring. Not that you enjoyed all of the fighting you’d endured, but you’d rather be doing literally anything besides taking notes and trying to memorize things. You’ve gotten this far without knowing a lot of strategy, right?

Despite that kind of thinking, though, you know the situation in Trost was totally different from the kind of expeditions the Survey Corps does. That battle had been a lot of pure adrenaline and thinking on your feet in the face of danger- something you’ve always been forced to do.  
But the Legion’s excursions outside the walls (and now into Wall Maria) are always carefully planned. Everyone is supposed to know where they’ll be riding, what to do if a titan is spotted, how to approach killing them if they get too close, the way to change directions, how to communicate properly between squads… 

It’s just… so complicated.

“Pay attention.”

You turn to Jean, surprised by the fact that he spoke again to you. Once again, though, his eyes are hyper focused on the diagram that Squad Leader Ness at the front of the hall is pointing at. 

“You cadets will be concentrated in this area. You should be fairly safe, so don’t worry too much, there are a lot of senior soldiers in front…”

You heave a deep sigh, picking up your pencil and looking down at your blank paper. What the hell are you supposed to write down? Do they expect you to… _study?_

You groan quietly again, rubbing your temples, then focusing on the diagram, beginning to copy it down. Maybe if you stare at it hard enough, you’ll memorize the positions.

 

“Alright, kids, that’s all for today!” Captain Ness calls enthusiastically, rolling up the diagram of the formation. “You’re excused for dinner, head straight there.”

“Thank fucking god,” you mutter, shoving the paper you took half-hearted notes on into a folder and putting it in the shelf under the desk.

“You need to pay more attention,” Jean’s voice rings with disapproval as you stand up shakily, clutching on to your cane. “This isn’t playtime or just for rankings anymore. If you don’t know what to do during the expedition, you’ll die.”

You sigh. He’s right, theoretically. 

“Tch. I’m not going to die.”

Which is why your comeback sucks.  
You turn, limping down the stairs to the floor of the lecture hall, Jean following you down. The two of you had been seated at the very top of the room, which was kind of inconvenient, but you hadn’t had the heart to complain after Captain Ness almost had his hair torn off by his horse earlier.

“Oh, Cadet!” 

You stop just before walking out as Ness calls out. Jean stops too, which is probably because the captain didn’t really clarify which one of you two he was trying to get the attention of.

“You, there. The girl.” he points and wiggles his finger at you.  
“Yes, sir?” you bite your lip. _Shit. He saw me falling asleep._

“Are you planning to go on the expedition with that injury? I didn’t notice it before- what exactly is it?”  
“Oh,” you smile, relieved that you’re not in trouble. “It’s a broken ankle. And a sprained ankle. It’s both.”  
Captain Ness’s eyebrows shoot up. “Wow, did you fall right out of the air?”  
You wince. “...Pretty much.”  
“Well,” he huffs, hands on his hips. “I’ll talk to the Corporal about it. Erwin’ll be too busy, but I don’t think you’ll be fit to ride a horse in just a month.”  
“Huh?” your jaw drops. “No, no! You don’t have to do that! I’ll be fine in a month, I’m just supposed to stay off it for a few weeks.”

Ness looks unconvinced. “I think it’d be better to check with a nurse and have the Corporal hear out your situation. There’s no point in pushing yourself if you’re injured. What’s your name and rank, cadet?” He pulls out a clipboard from behind his large desk.

You frown, hesitating to tell him.

“Her name is Y/N L/N, rank six.”

Your head whips around, finding that Jean hadn’t left while you were talking to Squad Leader Ness. He looks a little bit faraway, like he isn’t really in the moment. 

“Thank you, Cadet Kirschtein,” you’re surprised to hear that Ness knows Jean’s name as he seems to scribble down yours onto the clipboard. “Nice work in class today, thanks for participating.”  
“Thank you, sir.”  
“Anyway, Cadet L/N!” Captain Ness’s hands go back to his hips. “I’ll have a word with the Corporal about you, but since your rank is high he may want to keep you in for your skill level. Luckily for you, though, almost all of the recruits are high ranks… I guess we’ll see!”  
“Yes, sir,” you reply, a little dejected.  
“Well, off to lunch then, you two!” he shoos you and Jean away with his hands, so you take the cue and walk out the door, Jean following behind you once again.

“This sucks,” you sigh as you and Jean start walking down the path to the dining hall, which wraps around the back of the castle. “You don’t really think this corporal guy will keep me from going, right?”  
“Don’t you have an exemption from any strenuous activity?” Jean gives you a sidelong glance. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they keep you from going just for that. How are you even planning to ride a horse?”  
“Weren’t you the one getting on my ass about paying attention in class or I’ll die on the mission?” you glare. “What’s with the switch up?”

“I’m just trying to keep you safe, Y/N.”

Jean’s words shut you up immediately- shocking you into silence and forcing you to awkwardly look away, cheeks flushing with heat. 

“Why do you have to say stuff like that…” you mumble, wishing you didn’t have this stupid injury so you could speed-walk away.

“So then, only Jean, Marco, Annie, and Y/N joined the Military Police?”

Your eyes snap open as you stop a few feet short of where your friends have all seemingly stopped in the middle of the path. With his back towards you is a soldier in a heavy green cloak, the Survey Corps insignia sewn on roughly. 

“Eren,” his name leaves your lips in a hushed whisper, but he seems to have heard it, as he turns around quickly, face morphing into an expression of shock as his eyes land on you, and then Jean beside you.

“No way… you too?” he says this towards Jean, his eyes then darting back to you. “And you… what are you doing here?”

“Marco’s dead.” Jean says bluntly, his face devoid of any emotion. 

Suddenly, you’re embarrassed of yourself. You’d interpreted Jean’s earlier statement as some kind of personal thing towards you… but he’d been thinking of his best friend, hadn’t he? Of Marco. Who he hadn’t been able to keep safe at all.

Eren’s face shifts, into something still shocked, but almost in denial. The same as yours had probably been when Jean also plainly told you about Marco’s death a few days ago.

“What… what did you say?” he suddenly leans forward, a shaky smile tugging at his mouth. “You didn’t say that Marco’s dead, right?”  
“It seems that not everyone gets a dramatic death.” Jean looks down, his hair falling over his eyes. “I don’t even know how he died. He died without anyone knowing, or anyone seeing.”

All of your classmates and friends faces are somber and dark. Not only Marco’s face flashes before your eyes, but Mina, and Lukas, Thomas, Maya, Sofia, Hannah, and Franz… all the people you’d known for three years.  
Gone.

“Marco…” Eren’s voice is weak, his eyes wavering as they drop to the floor.

“Hey, new kids, get over here!” The heavy mood and thick tension is broken by the bright call of Captain Ness. You’re a little confused by how quickly he managed to leave his classroom and get back over here, but you don’t question it, because of why he seems to be calling for your attention. “Your new uniforms are here!”

You turn away quickly, unwilling to suffer from the dark atmosphere anymore, and start humbly limping your way over to the captain, accompanied by a soldier you’re not familiar with.

When you throw the cloak on around your shoulders, it instantly has a different feeling to the one you’d used during your days as a trainee. Maybe it was just to do with that fact that that cloak had gotten fairly worn out over three years of use, but this one is heavier, a weight on your shoulders.  
It’s warm, though. The weight is prominent, but in a way, it wraps around your frame in a way that feels comforting. 

You crane your neck, tucking at the thick fabric to be able to catch a glimpse of the crest sewn on the back. The wings of freedom.

You have a place now.  
Now, you really are a soldier.

_Are you proud of me, Isabel?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter this time! sort of setting up the next arc of the story


	18. seventeen - lorelei

“I thought you said you wanted to talk to Eren,” Sasha elbows your side as the two of you put your plates back on the counter, thanking the cook.  
You elbow her back roughly. “Can you quiet down? He’s literally right over there!”  
“He’s been looking at you like the whole night,” she sighs, hands on her hips. “You two really need to talk.”  
“I just…” you trail off, gaze sliding over from Sasha’s face to Eren, Mikasa, and Armin standing around some crates in the back of the hall. “I don’t know what to say.”  
“Yeah, I get that…” Sasha sighs, leaning against a nearby table. “It just feels weird that you guys are doing this awkward avoiding each other thing. You were getting pretty close before we graduated.”  
You hum, walking over to her so that you can lean against the same edge, relaxing your foot. “I guess so.”

 

Just about fifteen minutes later, you’ve been dragged over to the crates where the trio was hanging out because there’s some kind of top ten plus Armin reunion going on, all of you just standing around talking about the castle and Eren sharing tidbits about the Special Operations squad. You’ve been quiet, though.

Things take a turn when the topic of Eren’s titan shifting ability comes up, though. It’s a strange subject for all of you.

“Hey, Eren,” Jean starts, standing a little bit away from the boy he’s addressing. You cringe, feeling like this is going to turn into a fight. “I heard that when you turned into a titan, you tried to kill Mikasa. What was up with that?”

Oh, that’s right, Armin told you about that at lunch the other day. Mikasa hadn’t seemed keen to have that kind of thing spread around, though.

Eren takes a step back in surprise, while Mikasa takes a step forward. “No, Eren was just trying to hit a fly-”  
“I wasn’t asking you.” Jean cuts her off coldly. “But Mikasa, that cut on your cheek looks pretty bad. When did it happen?”

“This doesn’t seem good,” Connie mutters from beside you and Sasha.

“...I’ve heard that it’s true.” Eren speaks up, sounding ashamed. You watch him carefully, unsure of what kind of reaction he’ll have. “When I became a titan, I tried to kill Mikasa.”

“If you only heard about it, that means you didn’t remember, right? In other words, you didn’t even know you had this titan power, and you don’t have the means to control it, either.” To your surprise, Jean doesn’t sound aggressive in the way that he typically does when talking to Eren.

“Yeah.” Eren’s head hangs. “That’s right.”

Jean sighs, then turns to face all of you. “Did you guys hear that?” he tilts his head dangerously. “This is the situation. Humanity and our lives depend on him. We’ll probably die like Marco, without Eren ever realizing it.”

“Jean!” you snap, standing up, shocked at his brutal comments. “That’s too harsh!”  
“What’s the point of even asking Eren those kind of questions now, Jean?” Mikasa’s eyebrows are furrowed.

“Listen, Mikasa,” Jean’s voice is dark. “Not everyone is like you- willing to die for Eren’s sake with nothing in return. We should know what we’re fighting for, or we’ll hesitate when the times comes.” he clenches his fists. “We deserve something in return from Eren. So show me what he has to offer. And whether it’s worth my life.”

Suddenly, Jean turns and stalks towards Eren. He grabs him by the shoulders, ending up nose to nose. You just watch silently, lips parted in distress.

“So Eren, I’m really counting on you,” you can barely hear Jean with how quiet his voice is. 

“Right,” says Eren, weakly.

Jean lets him go, making a tch sound under his breath, and walking out without another word.

“...I’ll go check on him.” Reiner’s voice is quiet but firm, and as he turns to leave, his ever faithful companion Bertholdt goes with him.

“Let’s head out too, Christa,” Ymir wraps her arm around the smaller girl’s shoulders. “Enough of this depressing shit.”  
“Uh-huh,” Christa’s voice is soft as she gets walked away from the vicinity.

“Sasha,” you start quietly, looking back to your friend.

“Y/N.” Eren saying your name is enough to make your head whip back around, meeting his gaze. 

Once you look in his eyes, it feels like it’d be impossible to ever look away. You suddenly feel an intense sense of nostalgia, even though you’ve only known Eren for three years. But something about his eyes, the way he looks at you…

“Did I cause your injury, too?”

Eren’s sharp question snaps you out of the daze you’d been in, forcing you back into reality.

“...What?” your voice comes out thin and faint, looking at him with worry.

“Your foot,” he says, gesturing with his chin. “Was that also because of me?”

You look down at your ankle, wrapped with bandages halfway up your calf and encased in a heavy cast.

“No!” you exclaim. “Eren, no, this wasn’t- this was just me being an idiot, it has nothing to do with you.”  
He doesn’t seem convinced, looking away with a shameful expression.  
“Eren, I swear,” you say desperately, already sensing the fact that he’s feeling some kind of strong guilt for hurting Mikasa. If he thinks he hurt you, too…

“She’s not lying, Eren,” Connie pipes up, standing. “Y/N got injured because she ran out of gas and was jumping across rooftops and stuff.”  
“What?” Eren looks back up, his eyes settling on you again. “Why the hell were you doing that?”  
“...Long story.” you say vaguely, rubbing your arm.   
His eyes rest on you for just a little too long, enough that even though you’re looking away, you can feel the heat of his gaze.

“Y/N, let’s go,” Sasha grabs your arm. “We have class tomorrow and you already fell asleep during the lecture today.”  
“Right,” you mumble, nodding as you grab your cane that was leaning against a barrel. You don’t look back at Eren once this time, even if you feel a painful tug at your heart that’s telling you to.

 

You spend the next morning in class- you imagine that breakfast would have been pretty tense if Eren was there, but the other Survey Corps members are running on a different schedule to you new recruits, so he isn’t. 

But when you’re about to head back into class from lunch, a bright-looking redhead pops into the classroom as people are starting to file into their seats, talking quietly with Captain Ness.You and Jean are among the last to get in the door, and as soon as you do, Ness calls out for you to stop. 

You do, waving off Jean to go on up without you.

“Good news, Cadet L/N: the Corporal wants to talk to you about your injury. You might be lucky enough to get a pass on this expedition.” Captain Ness grins.   
“Oh,” you say, looking between him and the redhead. She smiles warmly at you.  
“Hi, I’m Petra Ral,” she tells you, extending her hand. You shake it, and she has a firm grip. “I’ll be taking you to the Corporal’s office. Don’t worry, he’s just a normal person like the rest of us. I know a lot of rumors go around about him.” she giggles behind her hand, sound like a tinkling set of bells.  
“Oh, sure,” you nod, smiling back a little awkwardly. You glance up at your friends in their seats, Sasha mouthing something to you that you can’t make out. You just shrug at her.

“You can head on out now, Cadet,” Captain Ness claps your shoulder in what you guess is supposed to be a comforting gesture. “Get your notes from Kirschtein later.”  
“Sounds good,” you nod again. At the very least, you’re getting out of a lecture for this.

Petra turns and gets the door, holding it open for you to limp through, back out into the warm sun. It shuts behind her and she smiles brightly again.

“Sorry if this sounds weird, but I was pretty excited to come get you today,” she chuckles abashedly. “I never get to hang out with other girls.”  
“Oh, really?” you’re surprised. “There’s none on your squad?”  
She starts walking at a slow pace, so you can easily keep up. “Nope, I’m on the Special Ops squad.”  
Your eyes widen. “Wow, seriously? Then you’re one of the best soldiers in the Legion!”  
Petra chuckles again, swinging her hands as they’re clasped together. “I guess so. I still don’t really know why the Corporal picked me, but at least I’m representing the female soldiers.”  
You nod. “Yeah, that’s good. There’s some boys who still don’t get that we can be just as good as them.”  
She groans, looking over at you. “Tell me about it. It doesn’t get better, trust me.”  
“Wow, very comforting,” you say sarcastically, and she laughs lightly. “How old are you, though? You seem pretty young to be on that squad.”  
Petra hums. “I’m nineteen.” she then takes on a more serious expression. “Ultimately, anyone on Levi’s team is in a lot of danger. That’s why I’m young and on the squad- the people before me and Auruo just didn’t last very long.”

You bite your lip, unsure of what to say.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this since you got here, but I was really impressed with your class for handling the Battle of Trost like that.” Petra sighs. “It really broke my heart hearing that you all had _just_ graduated and were thrown into something that traumatic. I was practically pissing myself on my first mission, and I was being prepared for it for three or four months in advance…”

“Yeah…” you look down at your right foot. “It was rough.”  
“How’d you get injured?” she asks, gesturing to the foot. “It looks pretty bad.”  
“Basically, I got thrown into a house and then later ran out of gas and had to do some parkour to try to get to the headquarters.”   
Petra’s expression blooms into one of shock, and then apology. “You went through a lot. I’m sorry.”  
You shrug. “At least I’m alive. My squad wasn’t so lucky…”  
“It’s hard,” she nods, suddenly looking a little lost in her own memories. “The first time you watch your friends die.”  
“Yeah.”

You two walk a little in silence, but for some reason, you don’t feel awkward anymore. It kind of feels nice to get those sad and painful feelings out to someone who knows exactly what you mean, but wasn’t really connected to the exact situation.   
Plus, Petra has a sort of older-sister feeling you’ve never really experienced. Sasha is older than you by a year, but her clingy nature always made you feel like the older one. Ymir is also nearly two years older than you, but Ymir… is Ymir. Nothing about her feels like an innocent sister.

“Oh, by the way!” Petra pipes up as she holds a backdoor into the castle open for you. “Are you friends with Eren?”  
“Eren?” you repeat his name, a little confused until you remember he’d been assigned to the Special Ops squad. “Oh, yeah, I know him.”  
“I want him to get a little more comfortable with us, but he’s still kind of reserved. I’m just wondering if there’s anything you know that might help me get him to open up a little bit.”

How to get Eren to open up?

“His dream is to go outside of the walls.” you tell Petra, albeit a little nervously. After all, it’s socially unacceptable to talk about stuff like that. But you are in the Survey Corps right now, so shouldn’t it be fine?  
She looks at you quizzically as you turn down a smaller hall. “Like, on an excursion?”  
You shake your head. “No, like… like see what’s out there. Like… the ocean.”  
“The ocean?” she looks confused. “What’s that? Something outside the walls?”  
“Ask Eren,” you smile, thinking of when he’d first told you about the ocean. He’d talked for so long, his eyes becoming something full of wonder and amazement based off something he’d only ever really seen in his imagination. “He’ll tell you.”

Petra gives you a vague smile, seeming almost fond. “I will.”

You two stop in front of an imposing, large door, with an impeccably polished gold plate that says ‘Corporal Levi Ackerman’ on it. 

“Well, this is it.” Petra huffs, hands on her hips. She looks to you with a wider smile. “Levi seems kind of harsh but I’m sure he’ll be understanding of your situation. Ready?”  
“Uh, sure,” you nod, brushing off your pants and cloak. 

Petra knocks on the door. “Corporal! Cadet L/N is here to see you!”  
“Send her in.” the reply that comes through the wood is a low, plain sounding voice. It almost reminds you of what Mikasa might sound like as a man.   
“Yes, sir,” Petra calls through, then turns back to you and gives you a thumbs up before opening the door. 

You peek in, unsure if you should just go, but Petra nudges you, so you walk in, and the door closes behind you. Suddenly nervous, you lean your weight heavily on your cane. This feels like when Shadis called you in to reprimand you for reckless maneuvering… geez had that been stressful.

When you finally turn your head from the door behind you to the actual Corporal you’re supposed to be talking to, he’s already watching you, in a strange way that seems more like observation than anything else. His dark brows are drawn together in a frown that reads like focus. 

“Sit, cadet.” he gestures with a sharp chin to the chair in front of his large desk.  
“Yes, sir,” you say quietly, walking over to the chair and taking a careful seat. You glance around, finding everything is weirdly pristine. Not even a spot of dust on the polished wood of this desk.

“You’re Y/N L/N?” Corporal Levi asks, looking down from you to what looks like a file. It must be the one Shadis had sent over- those files have all of your personal information and skill sets so that whatever branch you go to knows where to assign you.  
“Yes, sir.”  
He hums, twirling a pencil in one hand. “It says here that you have no medical history throughout all of your training time, and that one of your top skills is clean concentration during combat. If those are both true, how did you end up with an ankle injury?”  
“Oh, well…” you bite your lip, looking down. “I got thrown into a house by a titan. And then later I ran out of gas and I was pretty desperate to stay alive, so I kind of just did what I had to do to get around, and my ankle broke at some point…”

“Are you trying to say that you operated the maneuver gear without gas? Are you aware of the risks of that, cadet?” the Corporal’s eyes land on you- you can feel it.  
“Well, yes, but I also was sort of just jumping around… anyway, we had orders to act on our own discretion in a life or death situation.” you justify yourself, lifting your head to look him in the eye.  
The Corporal’s blank expression doesn’t change. “I’m sure you did. So because of this injury, you’re asking to be excused from the expedition in a month?”

“Huh?” your eyes widen. “Oh, sir, I believe there’s been some miscommunication. I didn’t ask to meet with you, Captain Ness sort of just arranged it after noticing my injury yesterday.”  
“So then you were planning on training with a broken ankle?” the question only furthers your confusion. Is he annoyed with you for trying to get out of the expedition, or for trying to take part in it?

“Um, well, I figured I’d be fine by then.” you say, aware of how dumb that sounds.  
The Corporal sighs. “I don’t think I have to tell you how idiotic that sounds, cadet. But it does. I’m guessing you were exempted from six to eight weeks of activity?”  
“Yes, that’s right.” you confirm, feeling worse and worse by the second. “But I’m really strong, so it’ll heal faster than that.”  
“Right,” he sounds doubtful, his eyes sliding up to meet yours. “Cadet, I don’t need any people coming on the excursion who think that they’re some kind of hero who can make it through anything. That’s how people die.”  
“...I understand.”

“Good,” the Corporal leans back into his chair. “With that said, if you can keep up on a horse during the final few tests of the long distance formation, you will come along. Since you ranked high in training camp I have high expectations.”  
“Yes, sir!” you smile, significantly more enthusiastic at that. “I definitely can do that.”  
“I also expect honesty, so don’t try to fool me. I’ll be able to tell if you’re actually in pain.” he tells you, eyes narrow.   
“Yes, sir.”

“Until then, you can help Hange with her experiments on that Jaeger brat anytime your fellow newbies are doing physical training. Otherwise, you’re still required to go to class.”  
“Right,” you nod, feeling good about this already. Well, if you’re going to be hanging out with Eren you really will have to talk to him and get the awkward feeling between you two to go away, but you should be able to do that…

“Cadet,” Corporal Levi’s voice sounds slightly curious for the first time, so you look up at him expectantly. “Your file says that you enlisted in Wall Sina. If you don’t mind me asking, why did you join the military?”

“Oh!” This might be the perfect time to ask if anyone knows Isabel. You’d kind of forgotten up until this point. “Well, you don’t discriminate here in the Survey Corps, right?”  
The Corporal gives you a skeptical look. “I’m not sure what to make of that question.”

“I enlisted in Ehrmich, but I’m actually from the Underground city.” you bite your lip, praying he won’t ask you exactly how you got out of the Underground. “I joined the Survey Corps because I got left a letter by someone who took care of me when I was younger. She said she joined the Legion and that’s why she had to leave me. Her name is Isabel, maybe you know her…?”

You ask with hope, but Corporal Levi’s expression surprises you enough that you just end up confused. He’s looking at you with… you don’t even know. But it’s a deeply human emotion that’s written on his face. Something you wouldn’t really expect based off of his blank, stony exterior this entire exchange.

“So you really are that little brat.” 

The Corporal’s words only confuse you more. “What? What does that mean?”

He sighs sharply, running bony fingers through his hair in what seems like distress. “This… is hard for me to explain.”  
“What?” you frown. “Wait, do you know Isabel or not?”

Corporal Levi’s face takes on something like pain, which only agitates you more. Is he going to say what you think he’s going to say?

“I knew Isabel. I was the reason she had to join the Survey Corps. But Isabel… Isabel and Furlan have been dead for nine years.”

Your jaw drops, your whole body suddenly feeling cold. It’s the same thing you’ve been through countless times in the past week. The shuddering, dark feeling of finding out that someone is dead. 

“...What?”

Suddenly, the man in front of you becomes recognizable in an instant. Your blurry memories of the red-headed Isabel and the tall blonde man that must be that Furlan he’d just mentioned start to include someone else… the other man you’d vaguely remembered but were never close with. The dark haired, pale man who would shoot you dirty looks any chance he got, and constantly criticized you. The other guy. The third piece of the trio that made up your makeshift parents.  
Levi.

“Wait… you- you were,” you press your hands to your temple, groaning, feeling tears prick your eyes. “Why did they… what happened? Why is she dead? ...Why did you have to leave me there?”  
“I’m sorry.” surprisingly, his tone is quiet and apologetic. “You were an annoying ass kid, but I didn’t enjoy leaving you in the Underground. Isabel wanted to bring you out as soon as we got our citizenship.”  
“How did she die?” your voice comes out weak. “I always… I worked this hard to see her again…”  
The Corporal- no, Levi’s voice sounds tight when he responds. “An aberrant titan on our first mission outside the walls. I did everything I could and it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s…” you don’t want him to feel guilty, you already can tell he must have felt that way regardless of you showing up. “I’m just… I just never- I don’t know. I should have been prepared to hear that, but for some reason I always thought she’d be waiting here for me.”  
You finally garner up the courage to lift your head, and see that Levi’s face is dark, his eyes staring off into the distance. 

You pass a while in silence. You don’t have the heart to ask any more questions, and it seems that Levi is deep into his own thoughts. But when he speaks, he surprises you once again.

“When Isabel first brought you to our place, I was pissed. Furlan and I were nineteen and Isabel was seventeen, and for whatever stupid reason she wanted to take care of this ugly baby. You kept screaming and shitting wherever you pleased. God, it was like a nightmare.”

You cringe. “Sorry about that.”

He scoffs. “You were two years old so it was to be expected. Either way, I discovered that you’d been in the same orphanage Isabel grew up in. Isabel never told me the details, but she found out you were her best friend’s kid and felt some kind of moral obligation to take care of you, even though she was still a kid, too. You probably went back there after we left, right?”

You’re in shock, unable to reply.

It starts to make sense. Miss Keres… the evil headmistress… weren’t there times when she brought up how you were just like your mother?

But Isabel too… knew your mom?   
The thing is that you can’t recall her ever telling you that. You’d always thought your mom was a nobody that either died or abandoned you. Well, maybe she really had done both… but still.

“What was my mom’s name? Do you know?” you ask with fervency, pressing your hands against the desk and leaning closer to Levi.  
He shoots your hands a look of disgust and backs away. “Her name was Lorelei. Don’t ask me who your dad was because I don’t know and Isabel didn’t either.”

“Lorelei,” you whisper. “My mom.”

You’ve never known her. You’ve never known anything about her. You don’t know which of your features are hers… but now you know her name.  
You had a mom, a real person, even if she’s dead.

Levi watches you pensively.

“I can’t be a father to you, I hope you know that.” he says bluntly, although his expression doesn’t match the harsh words. He still looks nostalgic when his eyes are on your own face.

“I wouldn’t have expected that,” you settle back into your chair. “I’m thankful to you for telling me all of that regardless. You can just treat me like another soldier now.”

He doesn’t reply, though, his eyes falling to the paper again. 

“I won’t be a father to you, but I’ll try to protect you when I can.” Levi says, like a statement to himself. You tilt your head in confusion.  
“You don’t have to. I’m a good soldier.”  
“If you die I’ll have failed her twice.” he says, which makes the previous statement clear immediately.

You were right. Corporal Levi has probably been plagued with guilt over Isabel and Furlan’s deaths for years. With the way he described it, they all lived together and must have been really close. 

“I will protect you, Y/N,” he says firmly, clenching his fist. “I can’t let you die.”

You aren’t sure how to respond, just sitting there with wide eyes. This really wasn’t something you’d been expecting when you walked here with Petra just ten minutes ago. 

“But you have to know something,” Levi looks up, eyes matching with yours. “I feel inclined to keep you safe because I’ve known you since you were a baby and because for whatever reason, Isabel loved you. However, if it comes between saving you and saving Eren Jaeger, you have to know it’s not up to what I want to do.”

“I completely understand.” you nod. “It doesn’t bother me. Again, I wasn’t expecting anything from you in the first place.”  
“I don’t care what you want, brat, I’m not saying that for you,” he mutters, which you just pretend not to have heard. 

You know he’s convincing himself he has to protect you for the sake of easing his guilt over Isabel’s death.  
You’re fine with that, too.

“Oh,” you pipe up, remembering something that may further help ease Levi’s guilt. You tuck your hand under the collar of your uniform and pull out the golden locket you’d put around your neck before leaving training camp. “I think Isabel gave this to me.”

Levi’s eyes are wide as he catches sight of the delicate piece of jewelry. “...Yes. That was hers.”  
“Do you… do you want it? I don’t mind…”  
He waves his hand, although it took a moment of hesitation. “You keep it. She gave it to you, not me.”  
You bite your lip. “Alright.”

You’re not sure why, but Levi then asks you about your training process- and despite him saying directly that he won’t act like a father, it sort of feels like what you think talking to a dad is. Although both of you swear a lot, and he snaps at you a few times to respect his authority since you’re just a cadet, it’s a strange, interesting feeling. You didn’t get back the parent you’d been looking for this whole time, and it’s not like you found a different one, but after an hour or two of idle conversation about the military and the Legion and the titans and your intense training (which, you suppose, are far more gruesome topics than things normal people talk about when being reunited with someone), you feel comfortable with him. You know Levi talking to you has nothing to do with love for you and everything to do with his love and guilt for Isabel, but you don’t really care.

It’s fun anyway.

He tells you to get out when it’s teatime for him as your class is releasing at the same turn of the hour, and you do so with a bounce in your limping step, saluting him with pride and a smile before starting down the hall. 

 

“So are you getting excused from the expedition?” Sasha asks as you sit with her at dinner. Eren is here for this meal, but he’s sitting with the Special Ops squad. You’d felt pretty special walking in as Petra even waved at you from the same table.

“I am if I can keep up on a horse during our last practice runs.” you explain, then slurp up the noodles on your fork. “Mmm, this is so good.”  
“Yeah, it’s delicious!” Sasha exclaims, grinning. “But back to the point. You’re not doing any physical training until then, right?”

You hum, nodding and taking another bite.

“So then what are you going to do? Just help the cooks again like you were doing in Trost?”   
“No, I’m supposed to be helping Captain Hange with her experiments on Eren.” you shrug. “I don’t really know what that entails, but…”  
“With Eren?” Sasha’s eyes are wide. “Y/N, you really need to talk out your weird issues then! Quickly!”  
“I know!” you groan. “I just don’t know when I’m supposed to do that.”  
“After dinner!” Sasha looks at you like that was the most obvious thing in the world. “I’ll just ditch you so he feels bad and comes to hang out with you.”  
You raise a brow. “Somehow, I don’t feel like that’s what will happen.”  
“Whatever,” Sasha sighs. “We’re starting up with the horses and strength exercises in three days, so you better get on it fast.”  
“I will,” you tell her. “I promise.”  
She just gives you a look of disbelief, finishing off her pasta. “If you say so.”


	19. eighteen - little spoon

It happens two days from your conversation with Sasha.   
After being released from class (the first lecture where you think you’d actually gotten a hang of the maneuvers you’re supposed to have memorized), you were going to head to dinner with everyone else, but realize you don’t have Isabel’s locket with an accidental brush of your hair away from your neck.

“There’s no way you lost it,” Sasha grabs your hands, chewing on her lip nervously as you start to panic, shaking. “Y/N, you probably took it off instinctually last night when we went to the baths.”  
“I-I just really don’t want to lose that,” you stumble over your words, breathing quickly. “I just can’t have lost it.”  
“You need to go back to your room and look for it.” Mikasa says, patting your shoulder. “Do you want me to come?”  
You shake your head, already feeling embarrassed at how emotional you’re being over this. “No, no, I’ll go by myself. Sorry guys.”  
“Don’t be sorry,” Sasha lets go of your hands to brush over your hair comfortingly. “Imagine if Mikasa lost her scarf. That’d be scary.”  
“I’ll never lose it.” Mikasa clutches the tails of the red scarf. It takes her a moment, but she seems to realize how not comforting that sounds, and continues. “...Just like I’m sure that Y/N hasn’t lost her necklace.”

“Good luck!” Sasha calls after you as you head the opposite direction to them, taking a side entrance that goes straight to the stairs that lead to all the bedrooms. 

Your ankle starts throbbing as you’re putting more pressure than usual on your right foot while trying to go quickly down through the halls. The place is like a maze- you’re not sure what people were thinking a hundred years ago when they built this castle, but it makes you wish there’d been some renovations before you got here. 

“ _Oof!_ ” you smack straight into someone while turning a corner and lose your balance, toppling to the floor. “Ow, shit,” you hiss, gritting your teeth at the sudden strike of pain along your whole leg. “Fuck, ow!”

“Y/N?” You look up in surprise, finding Eren standing above you, his brows furrowed together.  
You brush off your astonishment in an effort to seem like you have your shit together and thrust your hand forward. “Help me up, will you? I’m a wounded soldier, you know.”

He seems taken aback, hesitating for a moment before reaching down and taking your hand firmly, pulling you up with ease. You always forget that Eren really is as strong as any of the other boys in your class of cadets. Well, maybe not Reiner, but Reiner is seventeen and in his own league, anyway.

You dust yourself off after Eren lets go of your hand, wincing a little at the throb in your leg from the fall.

“Are you okay?” he asks, looking at the floor when you turn to face him again. His whole body is obviously tense, from the way his shoulders are slightly lifted to the way he has one foot back, like he’s ready to run at any time.  
“Yeah,” you breathe, settling your weight completely on your left foot. 

Eren shifts around, rubbing the back of his neck. “Uh, how have you been?”

_Wow, it’s really to that level of awkward, huh?_

“Not the best, if I’m being honest.” you brush your hair behind your ear. “What about you?”  
“Same.” 

You nod as he nods, both you and Eren feeling the strain between you. 

“Um, aren’t you supposed to be at dinner?” Eren asks, quietly.  
“Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner, too?” you reflect his own question back at him. “Plus I heard you’re not supposed to walk around by yourself.”  
He chuckles tightly. “Where’d you hear that?”  
You cringe. Probably not smart to say you heard that from Corporal Levi. He told you to keep your history with him to yourself. “Just… around.”

“Anyway, why aren’t you at dinner? I was grabbing something from Corporal Levi’s office.” Eren’s posture relaxes ever so slightly, which makes you feel less nervous.  
“I noticed I wasn’t wearing my locket, so I came back to see if I left it my room yesterday night.” you explain, then point to the door you’re standing by. “Right here.”  
“This is your room?” Eren points to the door. “Right here?”  
You nod slowly. “Uhh, yes?”  
He nods. “Right.”

A little confused by his weird reaction, you glance away, immediately feeling awkward again.

“Is it that locket you always had with you on exam days?” Eren asks, sounding curious.   
You look back at him. “Yeah, that’s the one.”  
“...I could help you look,” he throws up his hands quickly at your questioning expression. “O-only if you want! It’s your room, after all, so I-”  
“Yeah, fine,” you say, waving your hand as you pull out your key and open the lock, swinging the door open.

On the left side in front of the door is Sasha’s bed and drawer, and on the right is yours, a desk squeezed by the door and nightstands on the side of each bed. It’s extremely cramped, but you were really glad when they assigned you to a partner room instead of being by yourself. 

Eren trails in after you, looking around like he’s in a new world.

“So this is what a girl’s room is like,” he mumbles, but you hear him and chuckle under your breath.

“You know what it looks like, right?” you ask, hobbling over to your bed and beginning to swipe your hand over the sheets to see if it came off on your sleep.  
“Yeah, I know.” 

A few minutes pass in silence wherein you check your bed and dresser thoroughly, not really paying attention to what Eren is doing. 

“Oh, here it is!” you whip around as soon as you hear those words, watching Eren pick something up from the floor right next to the door. The chain glints gold in the waning light coming through the window, and a smile begins to spread on your lips.

You dash forward, grabbing the necklace from Eren’s hands and holding it in your palms, thanking each wall and God himself that you hadn’t lost it. “Thanks, Eren, I was really worried- I don’t know what I would have done if-”

“I’m sorry.”

You look up at him, not having expected him to say that. His eyes match yours as you straighten to your full height. “What do you mean?”  
“I’m sorry,” Eren repeats. “I was being irrational the last day of camp. I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about something that was your choice anyway. So I’m sorry for that.”  
Your lips part in awe. You really weren’t anticipating an apology from him at all. “It’s fine. I was in the wrong, too. I didn’t even believe everything I was saying, I don’t know know what I was even talking about.”

“You don’t have to apologize just because I’m apologizing,” he says, gritting his teeth. “I realized how much I regretted that and not saying anything before we deployed the next day when I was sitting in that titan’s stomach thinking I was going to die… I was thinking of how fucked up it was for my last words to you to have been something like that.”

You’re quiet for a moment, staring at the floor and gripping the fabric of your cloak with one hand. 

“I thought the same thing.” you finally say, chewing on your bottom lip. “When Mikasa told me- when she told me you were-” you pause, taking a breath. “I was… I just kept thinking… I don’t know. I just wanted to turn back time and take back everything I said.”  
“Yeah,” he nods. “I had the same feeling.”

“Eren,” you say, and he raises his eyebrows. You struggle to look him in the eye. “Please don’t… don’t die again. It was… it’s a good thing you came back to life.”  
He chuckles, more genuinely this time. “I think so too.”

You pass another few seconds in silence, where you’re not sure if you should spill and tell him just how relieved you’d been when he came out of that titan, or leave it at what you’ve already said.

“So how many titans did I kill during the battle?” Eren asks, surprising you yet again. “When I was a titan.”  
“Oh,” you nod. “Well, I wasn’t there for most of the time you were a titan, but…” _should you say this?_ “...But you saved my life, at least.”  
His eyebrows shoot up. “I did?”

You hum. “Yeah, you… it was when I had run out of gas. My ankle couldn’t take any more action so I just… Mikasa and Connie were nearby but they were already carrying Armin so I thought… I don’t know. I knelt down on a rooftop and started praying.” 

You sigh, turning your face away. “I sort of just thought it was my time. I was praying and there was this huge titan that came right up to me and I just started screaming and crying while trying to get through the prayer, and right as its hand came down to grab me-” you laugh in disbelief. It’s still amazing to you. “This big ass, muscular titan came out of nowhere and punched the shit out of the one that was trying to eat me. I didn’t know it was you back then, but for some reason…”

You trail off, suddenly embarrassed to say it.

“What?” Eren is frowning. He reaches forward and places his hand on your shoulder. “For some reason what? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, I…” you brush back your hair behind your ear. “I don’t know, it seems like you don’t remember anything you did while you were a titan, but for some reason it felt like you knew it was me.” you let out a breathy, flustered laugh. “Like, you were pretty far away, you were by Mikasa and Connie, and then out of nowhere, right as that titan was going to grab me, you just appeared, and killed it.” you huff, mustering up the courage to look Eren in the eyes. “You saved my life.”

He’s quiet, staring at you as you stare at him.   
It’s another one of those moments, like a couple of days ago, where you feel satisfied, content- just looking into his eyes. His eyes always remind you of the way he described the ocean to you. Clear, blue-green, bright. You wonder if the ocean really is like that.

In a quick movement, Eren throws his arms around your waist, pulling your body close to his, his face falling into the crook of your neck where your cloak doesn’t cover. You’re too shocked to even move as you feel his warm breath on your skin, his hands squeezing to pull you as close as possible.

“Am I a monster?” Eren’s voice trembles when he speaks. You can barely hear, but you do, and it breaks your heart.  
Your arms wrap around him, too, clutching the fabric of his cloak in your hands as your cane falls to the ground. “Why would you ask that, Eren?”  
“That’s what everybody was saying when they first found out it was me in the titan. And when I had to protect Armin and Mikasa. They called me a monster.” he whispers, pressing his forehead against your neck. 

“Well, those people are assholes,” you say bluntly, drawing a dark chuckle from Eren’s lips that vibrates against your skin. “I just told you, you saved my life. Actually, you saved everyone's lives. If you hadn’t been there to fight off titans while we refueled at the headquarters, we all would have died. And you killed the titan that ate Thomas, too. That was the last one you killed. I think in some way, you knew you were protecting us.”

Eren draws back but holds onto you, just enough so that you’re face to face, only inches apart. You hold your breath. 

“Eren Jaeger! Where the hell did you go, you brat?” 

“Shit!” Eren whispers as Levi’s voice rings from fairly nearby. He lets go of you and anxiously looks around for somewhere to hide.   
You shove him behind the door, swinging it open just enough that if you stand at a certain angle, it looks like nobody's there. 

Levi stops as soon as he notices the open door where you’re standing, using the mirror on the desk to act like you’re trying to hook the locket back on.

“Y/N? Why aren’t you at dinner?” he asks, crossing his arms and glaring. “I hope you know it isn’t optional.”  
“Sorry,” you say, then cringe as you realize the lack of ‘sir’ and Levi not calling you Cadet L/N is going to seem very suspicious to Eren. “I thought I lost the locket so I came back here to check.”  
“Tch. Fine. Have you seen Jaeger around?”  
“Eren?” you tilt your head, sounding as innocent as you possibly can. “Why would he be around here?”  
Levi rolls his eyes. “I sent the idiot to get something and of course he’s taking too long.”  
“Maybe he went back to dinner while you were gone,” you suggest, smiling. “You could try going back there.”  
“I will, but not for him. I’m fucking hungry.”

“Right,” you nod, swinging your clasped hands.  
Levi gestures with his chin to the floor. “Why is your walking stick on the ground?”

_Oh, shit._ “Oh, I just dropped it while trying to hook the locket.”

“Hmph.” Levi looks unimpressed. “If you see Eren around here, tell him not to bring what I asked him for at all, I’ll get it tomorrow. Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Corporal,” you wave as he continues down the hall. As soon as he’s out of sight, you heave a deep sigh of relief and slam the door shut, leaning against it. “Thank fucking god that worked.”

Eren’s arms are crossed when you glance over at him. “That was weird.”  
You sigh again, cringing. “I know.”  
“Why did the Corporal call you by name?” he asks, looking just plain confused.   
“It’s… a really long story,” you say, leaning down to pick up your cane. “I’ll tell you another time. As Levi said, I’m fucking hungry.”  
Eren looks unimpressed at the fact that you’re not explaining anything, but gives in. “Fine. Want to walk together?”  
“Sure, as long as you don’t knock me over again.”  
He flushes. “Hey, you just turned the corner without warning!”  
“So did you!” you snap, hitting him on the arm.   
“Ow.”  
“Don’t be a baby.”  
“Let’s just go.”

 

“Freaking finally!” Sasha exclaims, throwing her hands in the air in the middle of braiding your hair while both of you sit on her bed. “See? It wasn’t that hard.”  
“Whatever,” you grumble, setting your chin on the palm of your hand. “It wasn’t that I thought it was going to be hard, just the whole getting there was the weird part.”

“Well, it worked out,” your friend muses as she picks up the braid again. “You’re going to feel so much better about being forced to spend all of tomorrow with him!”  
“Technically I’m spending tomorrow with Hange, and the Special Ops team will just be there.”   
Sasha hits you lightly on the arm. “You know what I mean.”

“I miss Mikasa,” you sigh as Sasha ties off the end of the braid and you turn to face her. “I wish she could room with us.”  
“I don’t,” your friend shudders, which you raise a brow at. “She looks dead when she’s sleeping, it’s really creepy.”  
“Okay, but aside from that,” you say, admitting that Mikasa does look like a corpse when she’s asleep.

Sasha shrugs. “Yeah, aside from that, I miss her too. I even kind of miss having Annie around, even though she was always sneaking out.”  
“I wonder what she was up to,” you hum, leaning back on your hands. “We probably should have asked her instead of always ignoring it.”  
“Yeah, but I was scared she’d snitch on me for keeping snacks in our room.” Sasha sighs. “Plus Annie was just straight up scary in general.”  
You nod. “Yup. I wonder how her new roommate in Wall Sina will feel about her.”  
“We’ll probably never know,” Sasha smiles nostalgically. “Maybe I’ll write her a letter in a few months.”  
“Good idea.”

 

You report to the same classroom you’ve been attending lectures in the past few days the next morning after breakfast, offering up a strong salute to the Special Ops squad and Captain Hange as soon as you step in. 

“Cadet L/N,” Levi acknowledges you with a nod.   
“It’s so nice to have you here, Y/N!” Petra, the only one of the actual squad members that you know, bounds up to you and takes your hands, smiling brightly. “You should meet everyone before we get started.”

She places her arm gently on your shoulder and gestures to each of the three men you don’t recognize, telling you their names. “That’s Eld, he’s second in command after the Corporal, then there’s Gunther, and that’s…” she says the last name with a hint of disgust, which almost makes you laugh. “Auruo.”

“I’m honored to meet you all,” you tell the members of the squad, bowing your head. “I hope to be as strong as you someday.”

“Damn straight,” Auruo mutters with a cocky grin. Immediately it’s clear why Petra doesn’t seem to like him much.  
“Good to meet you, cadet.” Eld, who seems the most mature, smiles good-naturedly at you. “I’ve heard good things about your skills.”  
You smile back. “I’m glad to hear that, sir!”

“Alright, let’s get a move on.” Levi waves his hand, so Petra leads you over to sit on some boxes by the chalkboard where Levi and Eren are standing, Eren waving subtly at you as you take a seat.

“I’ve thought of a way to stop you before having to kill you, Eren.” Levi says, starting to illustrate something on the chalkboard. “You know we decided earlier that the only way to stop you if you go berserk in your titan form is to kill you, but this would just leave you badly wounded. That said, it would rely on several different skills.” he points to the drawing, of a body encircled partly by an oval shape. “In short, we would have to cut you out of the meat of your titan neck with you still inside of it. Then we would cut off your hands and feet, since they’d grow back anyway, like a lopped-off lizard’s tail… disgusting.”

Eren looks shaken, sweat beginning to drip down the sides of his face. “W-wait, sir. I don’t know how or why my body parts grow back, but isn’t there another way?”

Levi regards him coldly. “Are you telling me you don’t want to take any risks or make any sacrifices?”  
“N-no, sir…”  
“Then get over it. We have as much of a chance of getting killed in the process as you do, so relax.”

You glance around at the Special Ops squad, who seem far more apprehensive about Eren than they were when _you_ walked in, despite the fact that they know next to nothing about you and have been with Eren for over a week.

Eren seems to have done the same, catching your eye as his sweep across the room. He bites his lip, looking back at Levi. “Yes, sir. Understood…”

“Then, I can run an experiment, can’t I?” Captain Hange pipes up, looking devious behind her hands.   
Levi sighs. “It’s a big risk, but we can’t afford _not_ to poke and prod him.”

“I get to devise the plan, yes?” Hange seems weirdly excited about this, her eyes shining with what you guess must be a lot of crazy scientist ideas. She leans forward towards Eren. “Eren, if there’s something we don’t know, we should find out. It’s absolutely worth putting our lives on the line.”

Eren nods, firmly, even though you can see that he’s nervous. “R-right…”

“Great!” Hange exclaims, hopping off the podium she was sitting on. “So, here’s what I’m thinking…”

 

You’re riding side-saddle on a large horse, which was scary as fuck just about thirty minutes ago when Petra was first helping you get on, but Survey Corps horses are bred to be calm, so you’re adjusting well.  
You’re just impressed that there’s even a way for you to ride a horse without putting pressure on your right ankle- even if you can’t really go fast sitting like this. At least you have control over the horse.

“Doing okay, Y/N?” Petra asks, leaning over form her own mount. The four Special Ops squad members and you are hanging around at a distance from the empty well that Eren got dropped into, where Levi and Hange are reiterating the plan to him.

“I think so,” you tell her, clutching the reins tightly. The horse shuffles and you yelp, squeezing your eyes shut. “Maybe not!”  
Petra chuckles. “Hey, you’ll get used to it. It’s even harder because you’re not riding astride.”  
“Yeah, I guess,” you breathe, opening your eyes. 

Levi and Hange start riding back over to you, which is the signal for the members of the squad to spread out in preparation for when Eren transforms. You stick by Hange, the notebook she gave you to write down observations in resting in your free hand.

“Remember,” she says, glancing at you with a grin. “Just write down exactly what you see. The horse shouldn’t move at all so don’t worry about falling.”  
“Right,” you mumble, not really ready to ride with no hands. Well, it’s not riding if you’re just sitting still, but you don’t get how she’s expecting you to do this. Ah, the struggle of being injured and forced into weird activities.

A little ways off, Levi fires a green flare- the sign for Eren to transform.

But even after a few minutes have passed, there is no steam or roars or basically any sign of Eren becoming a titan at all.

“Should I write this down, Captain?” you ask Hange, but she shakes her head.   
“Come with me,” she directs, pushing her horse to meet up with Levi by the well opening. Slowly, you follow behind, shaking with every step the massive horse takes.

“Maybe he didn’t see the signal?” Hange says, frowning.  
Levi sighs. “No, that’s not it. We’re not dealing with the most reliable guy here.”

He gets down from the horse, calling out as he walks up to the edge of the well, Hange following after him. “Hey, Eren! We’re calling it off for now.”  
“Did something happen?” Hange shouts, leaning over the edge, then gasps loudly.

“What?” you call to her, eyes wide. “Is he okay?”

“Captain Hange,” Eren’s voice sounds quiet and tinny as it rises from the bottom of the pit. “I can’t turn into a titan.”

 

“Oh my god,” you gasp as Levi helps pull Eren out of the well. You resist the urge to jump down from your horse and grab his hands. “Eren, what happened?”

His hands are trembling, covered in blood, the same blood smeared around the corners of his mouth and lips. “I-I just couldn’t do it… I tried so many times… I’m sorry.”

Levi sighs sharply. “They’ll heal anyway. Let’s all go sit down.”

Hange and Levi walk with their reins in hand, but you trot along behind them for convenience's sake until you meet up with the members of the Special Ops squad by some tables and Petra helps you down. A random few soldiers you don’t know come to take your horses, leaving you all to sit down. 

You sit down close to Eren, taking his wrists in your hands and holding them up. “Eren, they’re not healing.”  
His expression is full of despair as he stares down at his own skin, the blood still wet and seeping from multiple deep bite marks. “I don’t know why…”  
“That’s not good.” Levi sighs sharply once again, wiping sweat off his brow.  
“I’ll find you some bandages, Eren,” Captain Hange says sympathetically, patting his head and walking away, calling out over her shoulder to you. “Y/N, note this down!”

You sigh, resisting the urge to roll your eyes as you rest Eren’s hands in his lap and pull out the notebook, setting it on the wood table. The Special Ops squad all sit down around you, bearing hot mugs of coffee. Petra sets one down for you and Eren each so you quietly thank her, but Eren doesn’t touch his, just watching his hands like he’s waiting for the wounds to close up.

You chew on your bottom lip. “Eren, don’t worry too much.”  
“You sound like Mikasa, saying that.” he mutters bitterly. “Why won’t they just _heal?_ ” 

“Y/N is right,” Petra says, although she doesn’t look quite as sympathetic. “You can’t worry or you’ll work yourself up and never be able to do it.”  
“What are you, a motivational speaker?” Auruo drawls, taking a long sip from his mug. “Tch. You sound foolishly positive, Petra.”  
“Just shut up, will you?” she snaps, rolling her eyes. “Stop trying to imitate the corporal!”

You quickly note down that Eren tried to transform but wasn’t able to, and that his wounds aren't healing. Then you shut the notebook and turn back to him.

“Does it hurt?” you ask, already knowing the answer.  
Eren nods, wincing as he tries to flex his fingers.  
“Don’t do that,” you say softly, setting your hand gently on top of one of his.   
He just sighs, wordlessly dropping his forehead onto your shoulder, hands still shaking fiercely.

You reach up and smooth over his hair in what you hope is a comforting gesture, also hoping this doesn’t seem weird to the other people around. But Levi is turned the other way, Petra and Auruo are bickering like an old married couple, and Eld and Gunther are just sitting quietly, drinking their coffee. 

“Y/N! Did you write everything down?” Captain Hange bounds up to you, bandages, cotton balls, and a bottle of what you assume is disinfectant in her hands.   
“Um, yes.” you say vaguely, almost having said ‘I think so’.  
“Good,” she breathes, then shoves the medical things into your hands, grabbing the notebook off the table. “I’ll be right back.” and just as quickly as she was there, Captain Hange bounds away again.

Eren lifts his head up from your shoulder, eyes matching yours. They look tired today, sunken in and dull. 

“What if I can’t do it at all?” he asks, gaze dropping from your face to his palms. “What if that was just… just a one-time thing?”  
“Stop,” you say firmly, setting the things Hange gave you on the table. “Just think positively.” you unscrew the lid to the disinfectant and pour some on a cotton ball, grabbing Eren’s left hand.  
He chuckles grimly. “Easier said than done, Y/N.” you start swiping away the blood, and he flinches. “Ow!”  
“Don’t be a baby,” you scold, pouring more onto the other side so you can dab it on the wounds.  
“Ow, seriously,” Eren hisses, shoulders pulling up. “That stings.”  
“I can’t believe you’re complaining about disinfectant.” you shake your head as you grab the bandages, doing your best to wrap the hand up tightly and tying it off in what you think is the way you were taught at camp.  
“It hurts,” Eren whines. “Be gentle.”  
“That sounds weird,” you mumble, starting on his right hand.  
“What’d you say?”  
“Nothing.”

“Cadet L/N, are you planning on drinking that?” Levi is suddenly standing over you, pointing at your coffee mug.   
“Oh, um…” well, you were, but whatever. “You can take it, Corporal.”  
He hums, setting down his empty cup and picking up yours in an unusual way, with his fingers over the top. He doesn’t leave, watching you tend to Eren’s wounds.

“So those bites on your hands still aren’t closing up?” he asks as you tie off the second hand’s bandages.   
“No, sir…” Eren stares down at them again, setting them on the table.  
Levi’s eyes go dark. “If you can’t turn into a titan, the mission to rebuild Wall Maria goes down the drain. Do something about it. That’s an order.”

Even you shiver at Levi’s frigid tone.

“Yes, sir,” says Eren, expression looking heavy.

The corporal and Petra walk off together, Petra seeming very happy to get away from Auruo. Or maybe she’s happy to be with Levi. You don’t know which.

“Don’t take it so hard,” Eld speaks up, still looking strong and unbothered by the dismal results of the experiment.  
“But-”  
“Well, it goes to show you’re more human than I thought…” Auruo sighs, leaning his head on his hand.   
“I prefer this to losing my life,” continues Eld. “It’s not like it was for nothing.”  
“Yeah,” Gunther nods. “There’s no such thing as being too cautious.”

You’re quiet, elbows on the table as you lean forward and sigh, watching Eren out of your peripherals. He picks up a spoon, probably to stir the coffee, but winces out of pain, dropping it on the ground. 

“Eren-!” you exclaim, reaching to grab his hand, but he shakes you off.  
“Don’t worry, I got it.” he reaches down to the grass-

_Crack!_

Insanely bright light blinds you momentarily, and suddenly you’re being thrown from your chair by sheer pressure and heat, yelping in pain as you land roughly on the grass, both your ankle and your skin stinging.   
Hot smoke swirls around you, filling up your lungs as you drag yourself to your elbows and knees, coughing gratingly and squeezing your eyes shut to keep the heat away from them.

Frantic calls from nearby only confuse you more, until the smoke starts fading out into steam, and you see that just a few feet to your side is the torso and arm of a titan, Eren sticking out the bottom side with his own right arm embedded into it.

He’s shouting something but you’re too disoriented to hear.

“Captain Levi!”  
“Is Y/N okay?”  
“Calm down, all of you.”

You look the other way and see Petra, Auruo, Eld, and Gunther all standing with their blades out, towards Eren. Levi is between them and Eren, however, holding out his hand in a motion to stand down.

“Eren! What the hell!” Eld shouts, his eyes wide and brows drawn tightly together. “Why now, without permission? _Answer me!_ ”  
“Eld, hold on-” Levi starts, but is cut off by Auruo, yelling with a furious expression.  
“Answer us Eren! What’s the idea?!”

“Wait, please-” you say, but can’t continue as you’re hit with another coughing fit.

“No, save that for later,” Gunther’s voice is cold, but composed. He approaches Eren. “Prove you’re not our enemy- no, prove you’re not an enemy of the human race!”  
“What-” Eren tries to tug himself free from the muscles of the titan, looking desperate.  
“Prove it now! It’s your duty!” Gunther’s face is dark as he shouts.

“Go ahead,” Auruo growls. “If that arm so much as twitches, your head will fly off. I swear I’ll do it, _wanna try me!?_ ”

“Auruo,” Levi snaps. “I said, calm down!”

“Captain!” Petra’s voice is clear through the commotion. “Please move away from Eren! You’re too close!”

They continue going on and on, shouting and yelling at Eren as Levi stands between them, Eren trying to yank himself free from the titan body.

“ _Eren!_ ”

With the smoke completely cleared out, you’re relieved to see Captain Hange sprinting towards you all. Actually, directly past you and to Eren.

“Can I touch your arm? Can I? It’s okay, right? I just want to touch it!”

In looking at Hange, Eren’s eyes land on you, trying to stand up, but having a hard time without the cane to support you. You end up just sitting on the grass, leaning your weight back on your palms as your eyes dart around. They look red, Eren notes, and you keep coughing.

“W-wait, squad leader-” Eren tries to warn Hange, but she grabs the titan hand anyway, immediately shrieking out in pain as she runs away, falling to her knees with her own hands in the air.  
“Ow! Hot hot hot!” 

You wipe at your eyes, looking at Hange with confusion. 

“Y/N! Write this down!” she shouts as she clambers to her feet again. You look around for the notebook, but remember that the captain had actually taken it.

“Cadet!” a man with light brown hair parted down the middle reaches down and takes your arm, finally helping you stand up. “Are you okay? Were you affected by the blast we heard?”  
You nod, vaguely aware of more commotion going on behind you, but thankful for the help, you devote your attention to the soldier. “Yes, I’m okay, I just got thrown pretty hard since I was right next to Eren…”  
“What’s your name, cadet? I’m Moblit Berner, executive officer of Captain Hange’s squad.”  
“Oh, nice to meet you,” you nod your head respectfully. “I’m Y/N L/N.”  
“Right, you’re the one who was injured,” he nods. You guess Hange told him about you? “If you don’t mind, I think it’s time for you to rejoin your fellow new recruits for lunch.”  
“Ah, right…” you glance over your shoulder as Moblit leads you away, 

 

Moblit had told you it’s better if you don’t talk about the experiment this morning to your friends, but when you get to the mess hall, it seems like everyone already knows anyway, and were just waiting for someone to give them the details.

“Is Eren okay?” Mikasa asks, her eyes fiery with concern as she grabs your wrist from her place next to you.  
“Yeah,” you respond vaguely, since you’re actually not sure, but you don’t want Mikasa to tear the base apart looking for him.  
“Are _you_ okay, Y/N?” Armin frowns at Mikasa.   
You nod. “Yeah, just kind of sore…”

“I can’t believe that wasn’t exaggerated,” Connie sighs. “And we were stuck in riding practice while the whole thing was going on.”  
“Your cheeks look red,” Jean says, looking at you as he chews on some bread. “Was there steam like last week?”  
You press your hands to your face and find that your skin is pretty hot. “Yeah, there was a lot of smoke and steam. I’m okay, though, seriously.”

“If you say so,” Jean mutters, glancing away.

 

“Wow, they really keep you in this cellar?”

You watch as the hunched up figure on the bed in the back of the jail cell jumps from his position, taking quick steps over to meet you on the other side of the bars. 

“Y/N!” Eren exclaims, hands wrapping around the bars. “How did you get down here?”  
“I’m ‘observing’ for Captain Hange,” you hold up the notebook from before. “Since everyone else is out riding again today.”  
“Right…” Eren glances away.

You look around and find a chair in the corner. “Mind if I sit down?”  
Eren waves his hands, eyes wide. “No, of course! You should.”

You drag the chair across the room with some struggle, since you kind of have to jump back on one foot instead of alternating steps. You try to ignore what you feel like is a pitiful look on Eren’s part as you sit down, setting down the cane Petra retrieved for you and brought to dinner yesterday night.

“I’m really sorry about yesterday,” Eren speaks up as you get comfortable. “I didn’t even get the chance to see if you were okay.”  
You shake your head, smiling softly. “I’m fine, Eren. My ass kind of hurts since I got thrown into the air like that and didn’t make a pretty landing, but nothing too bad. I didn’t even get burnt even though I was right next to you.”  
He winces nonetheless. “Still…”

“Mikasa was wondering if you’re okay,” you say after a few moments pass in silence.   
Eren sighs. “Geez, she never stops worrying, huh?”  
You chuckle. “Yeah, you could say that.”  
“Well, tell her I’m fine, if you didn’t already know to say that.” he says, rolling his eyes. “Sometimes I wish she’d cool it with the protectiveness.”  
“It’s just her nature,” you say, shrugging. “She really loves you.”  
“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Are you really okay, though?” you tilt your head. “The Special Operations squad turned on you completely. I was pretty shocked.”  
“Levi explained it to me,” Eren says, glancing at the floor. “I know they don’t want to kill me, but they would do it in a heartbeat if Levi ordered them to. The only reason they held back yesterday is because he was telling them to calm down.”

“Well, that’s what a soldier does,” you shrug. “Follow orders.”

Eren’s face takes on an expression of bleak curiosity. “Would you kill me if you were ordered to, then?”

Surprised, you reel back, eyes wide, frowning. “What-”  
“Nevermind,” he says, turning his face away. “You don’t have to answer that.”

“Well, I would,” you respond anyway, setting a hard gaze on him. “Just like if you were ordered to kill me, you would have to. When you join the military, you give up your authority over yourself.”

Eren laughs, bitterly. “Yeah, you don’t have to tell me that. Here I am, in a jail cell, even though I’ve been waiting to join the Survey Corps my whole life.”

Feeling a little bad about your sharp remark, your resolve fumbles. “...Sorry, Eren. That was harsh.”  
He shakes his head, meeting your eyes. “No, I shouldn’t have even asked. That was the right answer regardless of…” he trails off, which you frown at.  
“Regardless of what?”  
“Nothing.” he says quickly, only confusing you more. His eyes then narrow, giving you a hard look. “By the way, there wasn’t the time for this any earlier, but you ought to explain why you joined this branch. You ranked six, so why didn’t you join the MPs?”

You sigh, chewing on your bottom lip. 

Here we go.

At this point, you’ve told Mikasa and Sasha that you’re from the underground, and you’ve even talked about Isabel with Mikasa. You got the answers you were looking for, and Corporal Levi didn’t seem the slightest bit perturbed with you being out of the Underground. But does that mean it’s okay to talk about in the open? After all, you aren’t someone innocent who got out through hard work and dedication. You didn’t pay to leave, and you definitely didn’t get the money for a citizenship card… legally. At all.

“I just…” you sigh, eyes falling to the floor. “Well, honestly, I’ve been planning to join the Survey Corps since my first day. It was never my intention to rank so high.”

“What?” Eren sounds surprised. “But… you- _what?_ ”  
You chuckle, brushing your hair behind your ear. “Yeah. It sounds weird. Sorry I never backed you up on any of your arguments with Jean. Anyway, it’s not because I’m like you… I don’t care about-”

You stop suddenly, Armin’s words from a week ago ringing in your head.

_“Maybe that’s what you think about yourself- that you don’t care about humanity, and that you do things for yourself… I don’t think it’s true that you’re self-serving or anything like that.”_

“Let’s just say I didn’t join the military for selfless reasons,” you sigh. “Even if now I’m risking my life for humanity, which I’m not all that excited about, to be honest.”

“So that whole time, you knew you were going to the Survey Corps?” Eren asks, his eyes wide. “Is that why you slacked off so much in class?”  
You shrug. “Well, yeah, I guess. I’m also just shitty at school, but I didn’t bother trying that hard because I knew there were people who wanted to rank in the top ten way more than me.”  
“Why?” Eren seems confused. He leans down towards you, frowning. “You’re not from Shiganshina, right? Are you from Wall Maria?”  
“No, I…”

Guess you can’t avoid it anymore.

“I’m from…” you bite your lip, glancing at the door up the stairs, where you know a soldier is standing on the other side. You stand up and gesture for Eren to come closer. He gives you a weird look, but nonetheless leans his ear close to your face. You take a deep breath, then whisper quietly, checking the door.

“I’m from the Underground city.”

Eren pulls back, his eyes widening even further. “ _What?_ ”  
You reach through the bars and smack his arm. “Quiet!”  
“Sorry,” he whispers, glancing at the door, then continues in a low voice. “Isn’t it illegal for people to leave there?”  
“Yeah, which is why you can’t talk about it.” you say firmly. “I have a citizenship card but… I didn’t…”  
“You didn’t what?” Eren tilts his head. “Did you steal it?”  
“Um, no…” you shake your head. “Listen, I’ll tell you when they stop keeping you in this cell. It’s not… it’s not a pretty story.” you sigh, eyes falling to the floor again as memories flash in the dark every time you blink.

_“This is the one?”_   
_You look between Xander and the gruff, large man in front of you two as he addresses your friend, pointing at you with his thumb._   
_Xander just looks at you, his eyes full of apologies. “I’m sorry, Y/N,” he whispers, his voice cracking. “I’m so sorry.”_   
_“What’s going on?” you say desperately, grabbing on to his arm, but he rips away from you just as you feel someone else grab your wrist. “Xander!”_

“Y/N?” Eren’s voice rings with sympathy, quiet and gentle. His hands reach through the bars and wrap around yours, holding them delicately. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

You don’t answer, frowning, trying to push out the face of the best friend who abandoned you from your mind, remembering the way he used to hold your hands just like this.

“Y/N?”

You shake your head, meeting Eren’s eyes with a huff of air. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. The point is that I joined the Survey Corps to find someone I knew down there.”

The concern doesn’t leave Eren’s eyes, but he sighs, rubbing his thumbs over the palms of your hands. “Was that the corporal? I heard from Petra he used to live there.”  
“No, but he knew her… Like I said, I’ll tell you in the future.”  
“Alright.”

A few moments pass in silence.

“Hey,” you say quietly. “Your hands healed.”  
He looks down too. “Oh, yeah. After I had the fiasco with the spoon the wounds closed up right away.”  
You hum. “That’s good.”  
“Y/N,” Eren threads his fingers through your own.  
“Yeah?” for some reason, your heart starts beating quicker, and you find yourself unable to look Eren in the eyes, keeping your gaze on your intertwined hands.

“Thanks for joining the Survey Corps.” he murmurs.   
You tighten your grip on his hands. 

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like this chapter a lot haha... or do i just like eren. you tell me friends, lol  
> hope you enjoy~


	20. nineteen - sun and stars

The date of the expedition creeps closer and closer, but your hope only falls farther. Levi excluded you from the first of the riding tests with the whole Corps, leaving you on the sidelines to watch as everyone came back, shaken and exhausted.

“I hate this so much,” you grumble, frowning at your food. “I feel useless.”  
“This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t pushed so hard during the Battle of Trost,” Jean tells you, rolling his eyes.  
“Whatever,” you snap, already in a bad mood from the earlier event and now as nobody seems to have any sympathy for you.

You understand why, though.

A majority of the members of the 104th who came to the Survey Corps would kill for the opportunity you have- the opportunity to get out of this first mission. But you just don’t see it that way. You’ve already had your first titan kill, you’ve experienced battle, you’ve seen death… you don’t care to avoid it. You just want to be a part of this rather than wait around for your friends without being there if somebody needs you.

“Haven’t you been riding side-saddle while helping out with Eren’s titan experiments?” Armin asks. “Are you getting excluded for another reason?”  
You shake your head. “I can’t stay stable on the horse not riding astride once it gets up to a certain speed. That’s why.”  
“Then it can’t be helped,” Connie sighs. “Just take your exemption, Y/N.”

You bite your tongue, knowing you shouldn’t get in a fight with your friends over this. 

“We’ll see what happens,” you mutter to yourself, shoving the spoon into your mouth aggressively.

 

Captain Hange slumps over on her desk, a groan leaving her lips that goes on for so long that you don’t actually don’t know what to do. 

“Um, Captain?” you finally attempt to get her attention after a solid few minutes of just sitting in front of her with the notebook full of your notes on Eren’s attempts at transforming on the desk.

“Cadet.” she snaps up, eyes staring you down. You subconsciously lean back. “This is a major problem.”  
“...I agree,” you say plainly.  
“I just can’t believe this,” the captain clutches her head, resting her elbows on the desk. “He still hasn’t had a complete transformation this whole time. What haven’t we tried?”

In an effort to look smart in front of the mad genius Hange, you begin flipping through the pages of the notebook. “Uhh… not a lot, captain.”

She groans again, reaching over and pulling the notebook towards her. “It really won’t be good if we can’t get him to transform before the expedition. We can’t have a trial run going on with everyone’s lives on the line.”

You nod, even though she’s not paying attention to you anymore.

Captain Hange huffs after a few minutes of silently flipping through the notebook, and shuts it harshly. She looks you in the eye.

“Tell me, Y/N. What was Eren like in his titan form during he Battle of Trost?”

You hum, thinking back to a few weeks ago. “He was… pretty determined, it seemed like. He kept fighting until he was completely exhausted.”

Hange nods. “That’s good. Was there anything that seemed like a source of motivation for him in his titan form?”

“Well he wasn’t really himself,” you chew on your bottom lip. Eren hadn’t been able to remember anything he did before the point of him picking up the boulder. But you had noted the way he appeared out of nowhere…

“So there wasn’t anything at all?”  
You shake your head. “No… there was. Eren saved my life. He was pretty far away, but I think he may have seen that it was me about to be eaten by a titan, and he just showed up in front of me and killed it. He didn’t remember that, though.”

Hange brightens. “No, Cadet, that’s great news! So he may have been motivated by his comrades in danger?”  
You frown, nodding. “I think so, even if he wasn’t totally aware. He also killed some titans that had broken into the headquarters building…” you trail off, remembering the way he had gone after the titan Armin pointed out as the one who ate Thomas Wagner. “And maybe revenge.”

“Revenge?” the captain’s eyes widen, and she leans forward. “Do you mean revenge for his past? Revenge for Shiganshina?”

“Well, this could just be speculation, but…” you wring your hands nervously. “I don’t know. Eren reacts pretty intensely to people he knows or cares about being in danger. He had seen our comrade die in front of him before he transformed, and later when he saw the titan that ate the guy, Eren in his titan form went after it with a vengeance.”

Hange leans back into her chair, nodding and humming to herself. “Hmm. It seems that there’s a major connection between Eren’s actions as a titan and how he feels about his comrades.”  
“Yeah, I guess.” you nod.  
“So maybe we should try something like that… he needs to have a goal in mind, something that can only be solved by becoming a titan in order to do so. The only question is what?”

 

“I’m not good enough at acting for this.” you frown, eyes cast downward onto the grainy wood of Levi’s desk. “He’ll figure out that something is weird.”

“Well, you have to be good, because we can’t pull away any of the other cadets to try this. I would have done it without telling you, but I need you to have the right reaction.” Levi spins a pencil between his nimble fingers. “You have to get him to feel like he’s totally cornered while trying to protect you.”

“And how exactly am I supposed to do that?” you ask, skeptically looking up at Levi’s face. “I don't even know if Eren cares about me enough to have the reaction you want. This is all speculation, anyway.”  
“It’s more like a theory than speculation,” Levi says condescendingly. “And we have to prove it. Eren has to transform tomorrow. There are only ten days until the expedition.”

Your eyes narrow as the gears start turning in your head.

“Let’s strike a deal, Corporal.” you lean forward, head tilting. “If I can get Eren to transform successfully into a titan he can control, you let me go on the expedition no matter what.”

Levi doesn’t answer for a while, nor does his cold, calculating expression change. When you talk to him as the Corporal of the Survey Corps, he is a different person than the Levi you talk to about Isabel and the Underground city.

His head tilts too, his eyes sharpening. “Do you really think that you’re in a position to make a request like that? If I order you to help with getting Eren to transform, you have to. If I order you to stay here during the expedition, you have to do that, too.”

“Or I could just tell Eren when I see him in a few minutes about the plan you have, and ruin the element of surprise.” you don’t back down, almost daring Levi to test you.

He bristles. “Are you trying to blackmail your superior?”  
“Yes.” you shrug. “My ankle is doing well, and I really want to go on this expedition. I already have experience with titans so I wouldn’t be pissing myself or anything.”  
“Watch your language, brat,” Levi mutters, but he says it in a way that makes you feel like you’ve won. 

“So?” you sit up. “Is the blackmail working?”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Fine. If the plan works out and Eren transforms _and_ is able to control his titan, I’ll let you go. Though if you can’t ride astride you’ll have to be on the wagon for the injured.”  
You brighten substantially. “Whatever! That’s in a safe spot anyway, right?”  
He gives you a look of disgust. “Did you even study the formation?”  
“I’ll start tonight,” you smile, standing. “Thanks for your time, Corporal. I’ll work hard tomorrow!”  
“Tch. Whatever. Just don’t make it obvious, and remember what I told you to do.”

You salute with a grin, then pivot and leave the office, a bounce in your step.

 

Eren already seems like he’s thinking negatively before you even start with the process of trying to get him to transform. No longer is he being forced to stay in the well while trying, as per Hange’s request, so you can clearly see the desolation on his face every time he tries to compose himself and bite his hand again.

You yourself are on edge for over an hour, waiting for something to happen to you that will “put you in danger”. 

“Let’s take a break,” Levi calls to Eren, then gives you a short glance that carries a big message. It tells you that it’s time.

“Shit, I’m so frustrated!” Eren snaps as he approaches the rest of you while you and the members of the Special Ops squad dismount from your horses. Nobody comes to take them away, though, which only supports your inkling of suspicion.

“Don’t get so worked up,” you tell him as you settle your left foot onto the ground, still relying heavily on the cane, but able to get down from the horse by yourself. “Are your hands okay?”  
Eren presents his hands and you’re glad to see that the wounds are healing up, hot steam emitting from the three bite wounds on his flesh.

“Y/N! Do you have the notebook?” Captain Hange runs up to you, panting and out of breath.  
“Uh, yeah,” you grab it out of the pocket of your cloak. “Do you want me to note anything down?”  
She shakes her head. “Here, I’ll take it. You stay with Eren for a moment.”

You tilt your head as the captain grabs the notebook from your hand and darts off. “Alright.”

“That’s good that the wounds have started healing even though you can’t transform, Eren.” Petra smiles at the both of you, standing casually. “I’m glad to see that you aren’t suffering as much.”  
“Yeah, it probably means that you’re getting closer,” Gunther comments, arms crossed. “You just have to set a clearer goal for yourself.”

“I don’t know what else I can do,” Eren groans, his head hanging. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to think about besides the expedition and Shiganshina.”  
“It’ll come to you,” Petra says encouragingly. “Right, Y/N?” she wiggles her brows at you, but you don’t really get why.  
“Yeah.” you say with little expression.  
She gives you a disappointed look after that, but you just turn to Eren.

“Wanna sit down?”  
He shakes his head, eyes still downcast. “I just… I don’t know. I just feel tired of failing over and over again.”

You want to comfort him, but you’re not really a naturally warm person and you feel pretty awkward in front of Levi and the Special Ops squad, so you end up just patting Eren’s head. 

“You can do it!” you hold up a fist as his eyes slide up from the ground onto you. “I believe in you.”  
A smile cracks onto his lips as he reaches up and grabs your hand from his head, squeezing it. “Thanks.”

From the corner of your eye as Eren starts swinging your linked hands between you two playfully, you see Moblit approach Levi, whispering in his ear. Or maybe pretending to whisper, because of what comes next.

“Cadet L/N.” Levi says sharply.

You promptly let go of Eren’s hand and turn to face him completely, standing straight. “Yes, sir.”

Levi holds a paper that looks formal in his hands. “The Military Police have sent a warrant for your immediate arrest. Do you know why?”

For a moment, a cold wave washes over you, a shiver running down your spine. Those words ring a sort of primal fear inside of you that you’ve been running from for the past three years since you escaped the Underground and after that, those men.  
It feels real, for a moment.  
You remember that it’s not, or at least it hopefully is not, but hold that dark chill and try to use it.

You shake your head, biting your lip. “No, sir. I don’t.”

Levi’s expression is just as frigid as that rush in your bones had been. “This document says that you illegally left the Underground city in the district of Ehrmich, and forged an illegal citizenship card to join the military. This is a major criminal offense.”

You’re somewhat at a loss. It’s hard to know what reacting naturally means when you’ve imagined every possible way a confrontation like this could go.

“I-” you start, but are cut off.  
“That’s not true!” Eren steps forward, grabbing your wrist and pulling you so that you’re behind him. “Y/N told me herself that she didn’t get out illegally and there’s no reason for her to lie to me!”

You look at Eren in shock. Is he really already coming to your defense?

“Eren, step away.” Levi says calmly. “Cadet L/N is under arrest and is a criminal. I am ordering you to step away so that she can be apprehended by the Special Operations squad.”

Almost like they practiced that line, all four members of said squad draw their blades, getting into a fighting stance.

“Eren, it’s fine, I-” you try to say.  
“It’s not fine!” he snaps, looking at you over his shoulder. His eyes are fiery. Is this working? “You’re being falsely accused!”

“Eren, let go of her!” Petra shouts, her soft smile from before totally gone. “We don’t have to attack if this goes smoothly!”

“I won’t!” Eren yells back. “She can’t go back there! Or to jail, either! Not when she’s already suffered so much!”

You see the slight moment of confusion pass over Levi’s face as Eren says that, but you brush it off.

“Eren, just let her go. She’s not even fighting it.” Eld says, ever the calm soldier.

“Eren,” you switch your tone, trying to sound pleading as you tug on his hand. “I can’t go back there. I can’t.”  
“I know, I-” he glances between you and the Special Ops squad. “I’ll figure something out-”

“Five seconds and this won’t be a discussion anymore.” Levi calls out, drawing his own blades. You feel a shiver run down your spine. It’s a good thing this isn’t real.

“ _Eren,_ ” you repeat, doing your best to sound desperate.

He doesn’t even respond, just pulls roughly and practically throws you into his arms, starting to run.

“Are you crazy!? What are you doing?!” you shout, clutching onto his cloak for dear life as he sprints down the empty field.  
“I don’t know, I’m just trying to protect you!” he shouts back, his grip on you tightening.

 _Where the hell is he planning on going?_ You think to yourself, watching the Special Ops squad mount their horses, clearly taking their time.

“Eren! They have horses, you can’t outrun them!” you pound on his back, and he stops immediately, dropping you and himself to the ground. “Ow, shit-”  
“Y/N, do you trust me?” Eren says, his eyes ablaze as he scrambles to his feet.  
“...Yeah!” you say after a moment’s hesitation. “Just don’t get me killed!”

With a fierce look, he runs a few feet behind you, leaving you in the open with the Special Ops squad coming directly towards you.

Still on the ground, you clamber to your knees and look over your shoulder just as Eren brings his hand to his mouth and bites down.

_Crack!_

“Ah!” you yelp, throwing an arm over your eyes as a blinding light explodes from Eren’s form, and the same hot steam from a couple weeks ago hits you, although it’s much less this time.

When you finally open your eyes again, there, shockingly, is the same Aberrant titan you saw seal the hole in Trost what feels like an eternity ago.  
Eren.

He takes two massive, pounding steps and stops right in front of you, his huge green eyes staring down.

“Eren!” you shout, trying to see if he’s about to kill you or not. 

You scream as the giant hands with claws reach down, trying to scramble to your feet, but he is much faster than you, and the hands scoop you up without any effort.

“Y/N!” you see Petra shouting, her eyes wide but suddenly getting too small to distinguish as you go higher and higher into the air, shaking with fear and clutching onto one of the titan’s fingers with both arms.

“Wait!” Levi shouts. 

_Wait?!_ You think, screaming out again as you feel yourself approaching what you think is the titan’s mouth.

“She needs help!” you hear who you think is Auruo shouting.  
“Just wait!” Levi calls again.

But the titan isn’t bringing you to its mouth. Instead, it cradles you against its chest with both hands, encasing you in what must look like some kind of turtle shell, so that you can still see, but you’re totally protected.

A deafening, savage roar sounds out from above you, loud enough that you wince in pain, letting go of the finger to clap your hands over your ears.

“Y/N!” Petra shouts again, but her call is interrupted by yet another roar.

Suddenly, you understand.  
Eren really is trying to protect you. 

He knows he has nowhere to go, but he’s keeping you shielded, and essentially blowing out the eardrums of anyone he sees as a threat to you.

“Eren!” you shout as his roar dies out. You pound on his chest. “ _Eren!_ ”

The hand on top slides down and cups around you, lifting you up to the Eren-titan’s face. 

It’s really strange, looking at it. In a way, it reminds you of his human self. The bright green eyes, shaggy hair. But otherwise… it sort of just looks like one scary-ass titan. Huge teeth exposed all the way down the jaw, a large hooked nose, deep set cheeks.  
Just… very intense.

“Hey! Listen to me!” you shout. “Are you yourself right now?”  
The titan, or you guess, Eren, lets out a groan that you guess means ‘yes’.

“This was planned!” you say, waving your hands. “To try and get you to transform! They’re not actually after me! So don’t fight anyone!”

“Y/N, be careful!” Gunther’s voice calls up to you.  
“Cadet, is Eren controlling the titan?” Levi shouts.

You turn around, away from Eren’s eyes, and cup your hands around your mouth. “Yeah, I think so!”

The titan groans again, almost like a roar, but more muted.

“Eren! If you can understand me, then set Y/N down on the ground!” Levi’s voice rings out in a commanding tone.

The titan roars again, and the hand comes over to encase you again. You chuckle to yourself. Why is this somehow endearing?

“Eren, that is an order!” 

You can almost feel the hesitation from the enormous being holding you. A few moments pass where nothing happens, and the only sound you can hear is the whistle of the wind passing through the cracks of Eren’s titan fingers. 

Eventually, though, you can feel Eren leaning over, and his arms extending towards the ground until the backs of his hands touch the grass, opening up so that you’re sitting in front of the Special Ops squad.

“Hey, has anyone seen my cane?” you ask, pointing at your ankle. “I still can’t really walk.”

Petra hops off her horse without a word, bounding over to you and helping you to your feet. “Y/N! Are you okay?”  
You nod, smiling somewhat weakly. You won’t deny that that was probably the craziest thing you’ve ever experienced. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good job, everyone.” Levi says as Petra helps you up onto her horse behind her. “The work doesn’t stop here.”  
“Yes, sir!” the Special Ops squad shouts. 

Your eyes sweep back over to the titan’s as it rises up to its full, 15 meter height. 

_See, Eren? You did it again._

 

Hours later, even past the lunch that you skipped to be around for Eren as he went over various techniques with the rest of the Special Operations squad and essentially tested how long he was able to stay in the titan form, he finally collapses.

“Is this what happened in Trost?” Hange asks you as you scribble down exactly how long it had been and a recap of everything that happened today at the bottom of your page.  
“Yeah,” you say, glancing up to find the titan’s body steaming. “He like, burst out after a couple minutes the last time.”  
“Time it from now and add 30 seconds once you’re done,” Hange directs you, and then rides off to meet Levi by the neck of the titan.

You do as she says, stopping the stopwatch the captain gave you earlier as soon as Levi cuts away the excess muscle keeping Eren attached to the titan.

He’s unconscious when Levi carries him over to the tent you have set up for essentially, you, Hange, and sometimes Moblit.

“Take his vitals,” Levi tells Hange. “And Y/N, see how long it takes for him to wake up.”

“Yes, sir.” you say, starting the stopwatch over again with the thought to add a minute to the final time.

 

It turns out to be 21 minutes and 44 seconds. 

“Ah! He’s awake he’s awake he’s awake! Y/N! Write this down!” Hange jumps out of her seat as soon as Eren starts groaning and moving around.

“Yes, ma’am,” you mumble, opening the cursed notebook and continuing on the next page, writing down the number on your stopwatch. 

“Hnngh…” Eren squints as he lifts a hand up to block the afternoon sun from getting into his eyes. “What… where are we?”  
“We are out on the field where you transformed, Eren!” Captain Hange exclaims, widely gesticulating. “It’s just the four of us here now, though, as Corporal Levi and Co left about ten minutes ago.”  
Eren nods slowly, sitting up on the cot he’d been laid out to rest on. “Alright.”

“Captain,” Moblit speaks up as the four of you sit in silence for a moment. At Hange’s hmm, he continues. “Should we call it a day and head inside? They’re both just kids and I’m sure they’re tired.”  
“Oh, dear!” Hange shoots you and Eren both apologetic looks. “Sorry to you both, I always forget your age. If you want to go and play with your friends now I don’t mind.”

You snort under your breath, avoiding her eyes. _Play? Sometimes Captain Hange seems seriously out of touch…_

“Is dinner soon? How long have I been out?” Eren asks, his voice low and sleepy.  
“You’ve been out for almost twenty-two minutes,” you reply, and then check your actual watch. “Dinner isn’t for another two ish hours.”  
“Ah, geez,” he rubs the back of his neck, sighing. “I’m starving.”

“You two go eat early,” Hange says, reaching over and ruffling your hair. “Say it’s special orders from the Corporal.”  
“Isn’t that a lie, though?” you frown. “I feel like we’ll get in trouble.”  
“Just blame it on me!” she grins brightly, giving you a thumbs up. “Nobody will question it!”

Moblit sighs, pressing a hand to his forehead.

“Sounds good,” Eren stands, still seeming pretty tired out by the way that his posture slumps and his eyes keep fluttering between open and shut.  
“...Fine,” you accept since you don’t want to send Eren alone, and grab your cane, standing as well.

“Thanks for your hard work today, Eren!” Hange pats his head aggressively, which he winces at. “And you too, Y/N!”  
“No problem,” you tell her, waving goodbye. “See you later, Captain, Moblit.”  
“Bye,” Eren calls over his shoulder as the two of you start walking back towards the castle.

“So how’d I do?” Eren asks after a couple minutes of walking in silence.  
You shrug. “Pretty good. You don’t remember?”  
He shakes his head. “No, I do. Just looking for an outside opinion. It feels really weird controlling a titan like that, I think my senses were kind of distorted.”  
You nod. “That makes sense. You did well, Levi mostly just wanted to see your level of endurance as a titan.”  
“You mean how long I can stay like that?”  
“Mhm,” you glance over at him, finding that he’s walking sluggishly. “I think you kind of overdid it today, though. In Trost you were only a titan for about two hours the first time and an hour the second. You just did five in one go.”

His fists clench. “It doesn’t matter how I feel. I have to get stronger in my titan form, this is just the beginning.”

Your brows draw together. “You should still watch out for your health. You’re not invincible just because your physical wounds heal.”  
Eren matches your eyes, his own lifting with amusement. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna become like Mikasa.”  
“Don’t flatter yourself,” you roll your eyes, letting the expression of worry slip away.  
He chuckles, glancing to the side.

 

“What is going on between you two? I know there’s something!” Sasha exclaims as she’s braiding your hair like usual later that night.  
“There’s nothing!” you snap, swatting at her as best as you can without facing her.  
“I don’t buy it,” she says. “I get that you’ve pretty much been ordered to be around him all the time, but you two eat separately from the rest of the Special Operations squad everytime we see you, and there’s just been a weird feeling!”

“What are we talking about?”

Your head turns to the side to find Mikasa standing in the doorway, her expression typically placid.

“Mikasa!” you smile. “What’s up?”  
“I’m bored.” she says simply, and enters the room, shutting the door behind her. She sits down on the bed in front of you, leaning against the wall. “I miss being in the same room as someone else.”

“Yeah, I don’t know how you do it.” you muse. “I’d be lonely.”  
“Me too,” Sasha agrees. “Y/N, let’s always room together!”  
You shoot her a glare over your shoulder. “Don’t say that in front of Mikasa.”

Said girl breathily chuckles. “It’s okay. You two are close.”

“We’re close with you too, Mika!” Sasha reaches past you and pats the girl’s head. “You’re like my quiet, brooding, badass little sister!”  
“That’s accurate,” you nod. 

“You’re the only girls I’ve ever been friends with,” Mikasa says, her eyes falling shut. “My only other friends are Eren and Armin.”  
“Well I never had real friends at all, so you’re doing better than me.” you say, joking, but also serious.  
“Me too,” Sasha chuckles. “I was so competitive with everyone else in the woods that I never made friends.”  
“It’s a good thing we all joined the military, then,” you hum. 

Sasha ties off the end of your hair, so you slump over into her lap. 

“Are you coming on the expedition, Y/N?” Mikasa asks, her voice soft.  
“Yup,” you mumble. “I convinced the Corporal yesterday.”  
Sasha sighs. “I don’t get why you’re so eager to get back out into another battlefield. Why can’t you just heal in peace?”

You sigh deeply. “...I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right. I feel like something important will happen and I don’t want to miss it.”

A few moments pass in silence.

“Why are you always saying ominous shit like that?” Sasha groans, causing both you and Mikasa to chuckle, a smile spreading on your lips. 

 

You wipe the sweat off your brow, looking up at the clothesline with dejection. It’s the very last section you have to hang, but this is where it goes up onto a slope and gets too tall for you to reach without going on your tiptoes, which you can’t do for obvious reasons.

You groan, head tipping back and eyes shutting. You let the light breeze wash over you, the sun hitting your skin and warming it. You breathe in deeply, taking in the clear air of the deep forest. 

The fake arrest yesterday had you thinking hard instead of sleeping last night. About your past. About how you got here. If what you did was wrong or right. 

But one thing you can always conclude on is that it was all worth it for this.

The sun is brighter than you ever could have imagined, and fresh air is so cool and crisp… even if you die on the expedition, haven’t you lived a happier three years than the twelve before that?

“Need a hand?”

You look to your side, eyes finding a certain tall horse-faced cadet looking at you with a cocked brow.

“I’d be able to do it myself if it weren’t for my ankle,” you say as Jean walks towards you and takes the last few pairs of pants, hanging them on the line with ease.

“Uh-huh,” he says, disbelievingly.  
“Seriously!”  
“At least you accepted my help this time,” Jean turns to you, arms crossing over his chest. “Maybe you’re finally growing up a little.”  
You roll your eyes. “Shut up. Mentally, I’m at least twenty years older than you.”  
“You can’t even spell ‘departure’.”

You smack him on the arm. 

“Ow!”  
“Don’t talk shit about my spelling! I know I suck at it!”

He relaxes after you draw your hand back, regarding you with a slight lift on the corner of his lips. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages.”  
You frown. “What do you mean? We sit together at meals all the time.”  
Jean turns his face away, rubbing his arm. “Well, yeah, but I mean- like, just you and me.”  
You shrug. “That’s life, I’ve been busy with Eren’s titan stuff. I’ll be practicing with you guys next week, though.”  
Jean’s expression changes immediately. “Are you serious? You’re actually coming?”  
“Yup.”  
“Jesus,” he sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t even know what to do about you anymore.”

“Wanna head to lunch?” you ask instead of trying to respond to his statement of forfeit.  
Jean shrugs. “Sure. We’re going to be a little early, though.”  
“So?” you start walking, and as expected, he catches up to you right away. “We’re both done with our chores, right?”  
“These aren’t chores, Sina girl,” Jean scoffs. “These are tasks. Chores are when you’re at home.”  
You frown. “But we live here, Jean.”  
“Is the Corporal your dad?” he rolls his eyes. “Chores are things your parents make you do.”  
“Oh, well, I wouldn’t know.” you say, then realize what you just let slip.

You still haven’t told Jean about the Underground yet. Maybe he won’t notice?

“What’d you say?”

Well, shit.

“What do you mean?” you smile, but avoid his eyes.  
Jean stops in his tracks and grabs your shoulder so that you have to stop too. “Don’t play dumb, Y/N. Did you just imply you don’t have parents?”

You start chewing on your lip, still looking away. “I mean… I just…”

“This doesn’t make sense,” Jean’s voice is thick with exasperation. “How can- what? I don’t get this at all. How can you be from Wall Sina and-”

“First of all,” you snap, eyes landing on his. “Keep your voice down. Second, you made an assumption at the very beginning of camp and ran with it without ever thinking deeper into it. I understand how you may have thought I was some spoiled girl who ran away and joined the military to rebel, but that’s not the truth at all. I enlisted in Ehrmich, not inside Wall Sina, and I’m-”

You stop yourself before saying the words, eyes darting around nervously.

“You- _what?_ ” Jean sputters, his face almost a caricature of confusion. 

“Hey, Horse-face,” 

You and Jean both look to the side down the path and see Eren by himself, carrying two pails of water, one in each hand.

“Jaeger.” Jean acknowledges.

Your eyes narrow. Something about this is weird. They haven’t called each other those names the whole time you’ve been here, so why now? Why does the air suddenly feel tense?

“Take a pail, will you?” Eren holds out one of them.  
“I’ll take one, Eren.” you say. “You shouldn’t be using too much energy today, that’s what Captain Hange said-”  
“Are you stupid?” Jean snaps at you, then rushes forward, grabbing both pails. “Y/N, you probably couldn’t lift this even without an injury.”

Your jaw drops. “What did you just say to me?”

He rolls his eyes, scoffing. “You know it’s true.”

Your eyes narrow further, and your arms cross. “What’s wrong with you? Do I need to remind you that _I ranked higher than you_ , Jean? If you want to act like you’re all manly, be my guest and do so, but have some respect for your _stronger_ comrades.” You toss your hair over your shoulder and continue on the path, leaving both boys behind.

 

You toss and turn, but no matter what you try, you can’t seem to fall asleep. There’s some sort of weird guilt plaguing you over the fact that you’ve keep the events of your past so secret, even among your closest friends. Maybe you should tell Armin and get his advice on whether you’re safe from the law here in the Survey Corps if someone spills and gets you in trouble…

You groan, sitting up and rubbing at your dry eyes. _I can’t do this anymore._

Tomorrow, you have the first practice run that you’ll be taking a part of, testing out your ability to ride astride on a horse in the formation. Levi put you with Reiner, which makes you feel better. Either way, you should be resting, but sleep is too distant tonight.

Sasha is still as a rock, and you know she won’t wake up because her sleep cycle is as regular as a literal animal.

You get out of your bed and slip on some sandals you recently bought, thinking you don’t need your cloak as it’s summer and it should still be warm outside at night.

The hallway is empty and extremely dark, but the skills you picked up as a kid in the dark Underground city have become second nature to you, and finding your way in the pitch black isn’t too hard.

Eventually, you make it out of the castle, ending up near the left side where the stream runs. You’re surprised to see a figure already sitting in the spot you planned to go to, a hood pulled up over their head. You bite your lip, worried, wondering if you should go back in case this is some higher up. You don’t really think it’s against the rules to not go to sleep once you’re a full-fledged soldier, but you don’t know that for sure.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?), that decision is made for you when you shuffle your feet and a twig snaps under your cane. The person’s head whips around, but when they see that it’s you, their face relaxes substantially.

You, on the other hand, remain even more shocked.

“Eren?” you whisper shout, confused. “What the hell?”

He gestures for you to come over, so you make your way down to the bank of the stream, sitting down next to him by habit.

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asks, tilting his head back to the sky.  
“Yeah…” you frown. “But… how are you out here? Aren’t you usually locked in the dungeon?”  
“Geez, it sounds super harsh when you say it like that,” he chuckles. “Yeah, I am. But the door was unlocked, and I kind of think it was intentional. So I came out here.”  
“Oh.”

You settle your weight back onto your wrists, stretching out your legs in front of you and tilting your head skywards like Eren, picking out the few stars you learned from Sasha at camp. 

“You’re shivering.” Eren says after a few minutes.  
You look to him only to find his eyes already on you. You know you were going to say something, but suddenly your throat feels dry.

“Here,” Eren unhooks his cloak and draws it from his shoulders, moving to place it on yours. You dip away, waving your hands.  
“Eren, I’m fine. You’ll be cold, then.”  
He shakes his head. “I won’t. Just take it.”  
You sigh, letting him set the cloak over your form, throwing up the hood over your head. You can’t lie, now that you have something warm on, you realize that it really is chilly out here.

“My dad used to do that to my mom,” Eren remarks, surprising you. This time, when you look to the side, he’s staring at the stars again. “Whenever we went out to a restaurant or a park or something, she would always forget a jacket, or say she didn’t need one. My dad didn’t want her to be cold, though, so he always gave her his.”

You’re quiet, unsure of what you should say. Eren never talked much about his parents besides saying that his mom was eaten in front of him, and the whole thing about his dad’s disappearance and the basement.  
You’d almost forgotten that he wasn’t an orphan until three years ago. He grew up with a family… with a mom and dad.

“Mikasa lied to you about how we adopted her.” Eren says, which only surprises you more.

“...What?” your voice comes out as barely a breath. “But she… but you even…”  
“Sorry I didn’t tell you back then.” he draws his knees in, chin falling to rest on them. “I think she probably wanted to tell you, but couldn’t say the truth when it came down to it. It wasn’t…” he trails off.

You set your hand atop Eren’s. “Listen. I don’t mind not knowing.”

He shakes his head. “You should. I think Mikasa wants you to, too.”

You don’t say anything more, just let your hand rest there on his, and wait for him to talk.

Eren takes a deep breath, then sighs it out. “That story with the fire… that wasn’t a complete lie. It’s true that my dad and I went there so he could do a checkup. It’s true that I saved Mikasa’s life, and maybe that’s why she wants to protect me. It’s true that this all happened when we were barely nine. But there wasn’t a fire.”

“Mikasa lived deep in the mountains, somewhere I’d never been before, but her parents were my dad’s regular patients. When my dad and I got to her house, he knocked a few times, but nobody answered. My dad opened the door, and lying on the floor were Mikasa’s parents, both murdered.”

You’re silent, in shock.

“Her dad got stabbed. It looked like her mom put up a fight. But Mikasa was nowhere to be seen. My dad said he would go get some officers and that he wanted me to go down to the bottom of the mountain. But I had this feeling… I just had the feeling that whoever killed the Ackermans were still around. So I went looking.”

Eren sighs sharply. “I found this cabin, even deeper in the woods. I knocked on the door and some guy answered. When he let me in, I saw Mikasa tied up. I acted like I got lost in the forest and needed some help.”

“Eren-” you start, fearing for his next words.

“And then I killed the one who opened the door.” Eren says, his voice becoming cold, dark. “Then I killed the second guy, who came at me with a hatchet. Probably the same one he used to kill Mikasa’s mom.”

Your mouth hangs open, unable to process this.

Eren… killed two people. At the age of nine.  
Eren.  
Who always fights for humanity.

“I cut Mikasa free, but then she told me that there’d been three guys that captured her. The third one showed up and started choking me. I told Mikasa… I told her to fight. That if we don’t fight, we can’t win. So she was the one who killed that guy. Later I gave her that ratty red scarf she still wears, and my parents took her in. That’s the real story.”

For a long time, much longer than would ever pass in silence in a normal conversation, the only sound between you and Eren is the gentle rush of the stream, and the miscellaneous sounds coming from the woods.

“Oh.” you finally say, staring out at the stream. 

Eren doesn’t reply. He seems like he’s deep in his own thoughts. 

You tug his cloak tighter around your shoulders, feeling colder. 

“Sorry.” Eren says, his voice less icy compared to before. “I know that was probably more than you were expecting. I just thought you should know the truth.”

“...No, I…” your voice fades out into nothing. “I’m just sorry both of you went through that at such a young age. I’m sorry.”

Eren laughs, sounding bitter. “Aren’t most of us that are in the Survey Corps right now fucked up in some way? Haven’t most of us had shitty stuff happen in our lives?”

“I guess so,” you concede, pulling your knees up to your chest and wrapping your arms around your legs. “Maybe not Jean.”  
“Geez, Y/N, don’t even bring up that asshole…”  
You actually chuckle at that. “Sorry.”

A few more minutes pass in silence. You’re debating something in your head. Should you bring this up? Or not? Will it seem like you’re trying to overshadow Eren and Mikasa’s hardships?

“Hey, Eren,” you say, voice shaky and quiet. “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter goes to so many places yall. the next one will be even Wilder so get ready!!!  
> thanks for reading~


	21. interlude - the world she saw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **warning:** this chapter contains themes of child abuse, assault, and sexual assault.

**YEAR 841**

 

You sit in the crowded room, knees pulled tight against your chest. It’s loud in here- there are lots of other kids. Everyone seems like they’re already friends with each other, but since you only got here yesterday, you don’t have any friends.

Before, you had a lot of friends.  
You had Isabel, who is your best friend. She’s the one that gets you food and spends time with you and smiles at you and says she loves you.  
You had Furlan, who is tall and really smart and protects you a lot.  
There was even that other guy… Levi? You know he didn’t like you, but at least he wasn’t mean.

But now, you’re just sitting against the wall in the crowded room, cold and by yourself.

 

“Do you understand?”

Meekly, you nod, cowering away from Miss Keres, small hands trembling as your body racks with pain.

“Say it,” she spits, reaching for your collar.

“I understand,” you whimper, squeezing your eyes shut. _Please don’t hit me again, please don’t hit me again-_

She throws you against the wall, leaving you to crumple up in a pile on the floor. “Good. Don’t ever tell other children about living above ground again. We must be content with what the walls gave us.”

Miss Keres stands to her full height and stalks away, leaving you alone in the prayer hall.

You try not to cry, since Levi always gave you dirty looks when you used to do that.  
But then thinking of Levi makes you think of staying in that small, cramped, dangerous home that you loved so much, and you just start crying anyway. 

“Hey.”

Not even bothering to lift your head, you ignore the voice, even though you can tell it’s another kid. He’s probably coming to make fun of you for getting abandoned at this age like all the other children.

“Hey!” Suddenly, there’s a hand on your shoulder, practically forcing you to pay attention to the boy.  
Your head hangs but your eyes slide up to meet his. They’re clear and pale grey. “What?” you mumble, barely able to even do that.  
He frowns. “What are you doing here looking all pathetic like that? Get up!”  
You just stare at him.

After a few seconds, he grabs your hand and tugs. “Come on!”  
You wince. “That hurts.”  
“Get over it,” the boy says. “Was it Miss Keres? I saw her walking out of here with the belt in her hand.”  
You don’t respond, tears welling up in your eyes again. _I just don’t get it… what’s so bad about talking about the real world? The world above us?_

“Seriously, are you some kind of wimp? This is why everyone picks on you.” the boy lets go of your hand and stands over you, hands on his hips.  
“So?” you ask, feeling bitter. “I actually had parents unlike the rest of you. I’m better than everyone else here.”  
He scoffs. “Yeah, and that’s why you got left here so they could leave, right?”

A tear slips from the corner of your eye. “Shut up.”

“If you wanna defend yourself you have to stop looking like such a weakling. You won’t even stand up for yourself when people make fun of you.”

“So?” you repeat, hands trembling still. “Why should I have to do that? It won’t change anything.”  
“Are you stupid?” at this, you look up, finding the boy rolling his eyes. “People won’t mess with you if you can kick their ass.”  
“Hey, don’t swear or you’ll get in trouble, too.” you mutter.  
“Psh. Whatever. I’m not weak like you, so it doesn’t hurt if I get beat.”  
“That can’t be true.” you say, brushing back your hair, wincing at the bruise blooming on your collarbone. “It really hurts.”

“Whatever,” says the boy. He extends his hand. “Come on. Stand up. I’ll be your friend.”  
“I don’t need friends,” you tell him. “Isabel’s gonna come get me soon and I’ll leave.”  
“Okay, well I need friends. So do it for me.” the boy smiles, his grey eyes lifting up into crescent moons. “I’m Xander.”

 

**YEAR 845**

 

“Will you get it together?” Xander snaps at you, panting. “You’re getting weak again.”  
“'Cause you keep running off for weeks and leaving here by myself,” you shoot back, clenching your jaw, breathing hard after the spar. “You know that really bothers me.”  
“I have stuff to do,” he says, leaving it at that. “Let’s go again.”

 

Hours later, the two of you sprawl out on the stone floor of a random abandoned house.

“Should we go back?” you ask, letting your eyes fall shut.  
“No.” Xander’s voice is strong and firm, like always. “You’re gonna get hit.”  
“So are you,” you hum.  
“It doesn’t hurt.”  
“Whatever you say.”

“...Are your bruises from last time healed?”

The question surprises you enough that your head turns over so that your cheek is pressed against the floor as you look at him. Xander is looking at the ceiling, his long sandy hair splayed out around his head.

“Kinda,” you admit, lifting up your shirt and checking out your waist out of curiosity. “In a couple more days they’ll be fine.”  
“This shit is so stupid,” he grits his teeth. “Why do we have to get hurt just because we don’t believe in all the wall stuff?”  
“Stop swearing,” you chide. “And it’s because they don’t want the other kids to think like us.”  
“But why?” Xander sits up suddenly, his head hanging. “I don’t get it.”

You sit up too, leaning on one hand so that you’re turned towards him. “What do you mean?”  
“Do they want us to just live here until we die?” he clenches his fists. “Until we get sick because there’s no sun, or get killed by the police, or go to jail for stealing because there’s no food?”  
You just stare at him. “What’s the point of getting mad about that?”  
“Doesn’t it bother you?” Xander looks at you. “I don’t care about going outside the walls. I never want to see a titan in my life. But I don’t want to live down here.”

You look away.

“...I don’t care at all.” you say, thinking of Isabel. 

“Fine.” he sighs. “If you don’t care then I’ll let it go. We can stay down here then.”  
“I don’t care as long as we stay together,” you say, falling back onto the floor. “That’s all I care about.”

 

**One Week Later**

 

“I don’t have time to deal with you two brats right now,” Miss Keres snaps at you, shoving both you and Xander roughly. “Just get out of my sight.”

Wordlessly, Xander grabs your hand and pulls you away from the headmistress, through the storm of kids filing into the orphanage.

“What’s going on?” you ask, eyes wide as the two of you leave the building, hiding out in some small alleyway.  
“No clue,” Xander responds, sighing. “But something must have happened above ground. We probably missed the news since we’ve been on our own the past two weeks.”

“Hey! Kids!” 

Your head snaps towards the gruff looking Military Police soldier.

“What?” Xander calls out, just as you take a step back and closer to him.

“Are you coming from Wall Maria?” the soldier looks unusually worried. Typically, they’re just jerks to you.  
“...Yeah, we came from Miran district.” Xander answers. You look at him, confused, but he just gives you a look that implies you should just go along with it.

“I’m sorry,” the soldier replies. “If you come along down this street, there’s fresh food and water for you. No parents?”  
Xander shakes his head so you follow suit.  
“Follow me,” says the soldier, leading you two out into the frenzy.

 

“No way,” your eyes are wide as you chew on the soft bread they gave you downtown.  
“That’s what they were just saying!” Xander insists. “I swear!”  
“How can that even happen?” you shake your head. “A big titan kicking the gate down? That just sounds like a fairytale.”  
“If it’s a fairytale, explain why there’s refugees pouring into this city. These are all the poorest people from Wall Maria that weren’t allowed a spot in Wall Rose.”

You sigh, looking around at all the kids sitting on the floor nearby. The place is packed, even more crowded than the orphanage.  
Their faces all have a weird look to them. Like they’ve seen something bad- no, something terrible.

“This sucks,” Xander grumbles, looking at his piece of bread. “There’s gonna be even less food now.”  
You frown. “Have some sympathy, will you? They probably watched their families die.”  
“So did I,” he says, rolling his eyes. “They should just go out there and die like the rest of their family so we can live in peace.”  
“Xan!” you snap. “That sounds like something Miss Hastings would say. That it was meant to happen or something. Final judgement.”  
“Whatever,” he tosses the last bit of bread in his mouth. “I’m just watching out for you. It’s going to be even harder to get food these days.”  
“I’ll just go back to the orphanage and you can ask that guy you know for some help, too.” you shrug.  
“No!” he exclaims. “If you go back there Miss Keres might end up killing you this time! Do you even realize how bad you looked?”

You cringe, glancing away. The amount of blood you’d coughed up after that beating hadn’t been pretty at all. But at this point, you’re kind of used to it… she hates you for not believing in the wall stuff and because of that you’re her ragdoll that she can abuse for no reason.

“That’s life,” you mutter. “I’m getting stronger now so I can take it.”  
“Yeah, sure.” Xander scoffs. “Stronger than who? A mouse?”  
You shove his shoulder. “Shut up.”  
He grins, throwing his arm around you. “Never.”

 

**YEAR 846**

 

Your right hand drags against the brick walls of the alleyway, your left clutching your side as you cough violently, blood smearing everywhere.

_“You’re a child of the devil just like your little slut of a mother was! I should kill you right here and now to rid the world of scum like you!”_

“Mom,” your voice comes out cracked and dry, and cut off by another series of hacking coughs, ripping blood and air from out of your body. You whimper, stopping to lean against the wall, matted hair concealing your face. “I want you to come back.”

Wasn’t it around here somewhere? Xander showed you before he left last time, but why is it so hard to remember?

You slide down the wall, pressing both hands on the ground to heave out the last fluids remaining in your stomach, acid and bile stinging the tears somewhere down your throat. You cry out in pain as the wound in your side grows to a swelling strike of pain with every movement. It’s somewhere on the inside- something happened. 

When you finally stop heaving, you lean back against the wall, head tilted back so that you can stare at the cave roof, so dark it looks like what you imagine nighttime to be in the world above you. 

The small lights hanging from posts built across the dark ceiling of the massive cavern you live in remind you of the stories the kids from Wall Maria told you about the stars. Is that what they look like? Your vision is swimming, blurring them so they don’t look as yellow. 

Suddenly there’s voices around you, and when your head drops from where it had been tilted, there’s two men standing in front of you, looking like they’re in deep discussion. You try to focus on them and see if they’re soldiers or not, of if you might recognize them, but your head hurts so bad and everything is starting to blend together.

“Just grab her,” you make out the words from one of them and vaguely comprehend that it doesn’t sound good.  
“But what if she’s someone’s kid?  
“Who cares about that? She can’t fight back in that state, that’s what matters!”  
“She looks really young, though.”  
“Just _grab her!_ ”

“No,” you whimper as one reaches down towards you. “Please leave me alone.’

“You’re gonna be okay,” the man says, reaching under your arms and hoisting you up. “We’ll take you somewhere safe.”

“I don’t wanna,” you mumble, eyes fluttering between open and closed. You start coughing again, blood splattering onto the man’s clothes.  
“Shit!” he drops you from his shoulder height, leaving you sprawled out on the ground looking more like a corpse than a girl. “Fucking got blood on my new jacket!”

“You idiot!” the other one gruffly says. “I’ll fucking grab her myself, then!”

“...Don’t wanna…” you manage to get to your feet before the second guy can grab you, swaying precariously. “I needa find Xan…”

“Just come with me and I’ll help you find him,” the man coos, gesturing for you to come towards him. “Alright?”

You stare, eyes drooping half closed. “No.”

The man’s face changes into something harder, but before anything else can happen, you turn around and start running, tears springing to your eyes from how agonizing this is.

You can only make it to the end of the street before you collapse, heaving in an effort to breathe on your hands and knees. You let out a high scream, wailing loudly as the tears start streaming down your face. 

“I wanna go home!” you scream, then shudder as another round of coughs hits you. “I wanna-”  
“Stupid _bitch!_ ”

You gasp, choking as the boot collides with your stomach.

“There’s nobody around, but why are you making this so _fucking_ hard?”

You just keep crying, begging to go home, begging to see Isabel, to see your mom, to see Xander.

“Shut her up-!”

“Excuse me?”

The familiar voice stops your wailing in an instant, and you manage to force your eyes open for long enough to see your only friend standing behind you, his hands behind his back.

“I think you have my friend.” Xander says, voice cold.

“Fuck,” one of the men on your other side swears. “What do we do?”  
“We have to kill him, obviously.”

“Xan,” you whisper, voice croaky and barely there. He doesn’t even spare you a glance. “Don’t die for me.”  
“I’m not.” he says plainly.

It all happens faster than you can realize. One second, Xander is behind you and the two men are in front, and everyone is alive.  
The next, there’s a makeshift blade lying next to you, the body of one of the men nearby, and Xander in the other man’s grip.

The man pulls out a gun.  
And it takes you less than a millisecond to respond.

“ _Aaarghhhh!!!_ ” you roar, charging at the man with the blade, stabbing it into his side with no hesitation. Startled, he shoots, and Xander falls from his grip onto the ground. 

The man points the gun at you as he crumples to his knees, groaning. You smack it with your elbow just as it goes off again, sending it flying to the side. 

“Stupid kid!” the man grabs your arm, and in a moment of desperation, you shriek as you drive the blade into his eye. 

He screams, too, but you don’t stop stabbing him wherever there’s skin until there’s nothing but a bloody pulp in front of you, and a stronger hand knocks the blade out of your hand.

Eyes wide and everything swaying in your vision, you look to your side to see Xander kneeling by you, completely fine. 

“Let’s go before the police catch us,” he says, pulling you into his arms. 

You nod, but in just a moment, Xander is no more and your vision just goes black.

 

“Really?” you wince as soon as you try to sit up.  
Xander nods, sharpening his knife by your bed. “I almost have enough. Just a few more months and we can leave.”  
You sigh in relief, leaning back. “That’s good. I wish I could have been more of a help to you.”

He pauses. “...Really?”

You nod, humming. “I just got beat up and you did all the work getting money.”

“Whatever,” he says. “You’re a year younger than me so it makes sense that you don’t know how to do this stuff.”  
“If you say so,” you mumble, eyes falling shut again. “Won’t it be so nice, seeing the regular world? I can’t wait to see the stars.”

Xander scoffs. “That’s what you’re excited about?”  
You nod. “That and the sun, and the moon, and grass. I’m really curious about what fresh air smells like, too.”

“You’re such a kid.” Xander grumbles. “And you’re still super weak no matter how much I taught you. I still had to come save you.”  
“I would’ve been fine if it weren’t for Miss Keres beating me up earlier, too.” you say, defending yourself. “And if I had a knife.”

“...You have to go back there, though.” 

Your eyes snap open. “What do you mean? Back to the orphanage?”  
Xander nods, avoiding your eyes. “I can’t guarantee your safety if you stay here. Bad people hang out around these places. If you go to the orphanage at least you’ll have some food and a place to sleep.”

You don’t bother saying anything more, just staring sadly at him.

 

**YEAR 847**

 

“Nice.”

You smile proudly at the praise from Xander as he wipes sweat off his brow, and you do the same, trying to take in as much air as you can.

You’ve finally healed up enough to practice sparring and strength training again. You still aren’t sure why Xander has always insisted that you know this kind of stuff, especially now that you’re leaving and you’ll probably get a job at a tavern or something when you get to Wall Rose.  
But whatever Xan says, you tend to go along with.

“Thanks,” you breathe.  
Xander’s face doesn’t shift from his slightly stern expression- that same cold look he’s had for the past couple of years. “Don’t get confident. Clearly you’re back in good shape, but that doesn’t mean you’re totally safe.”

You roll your eyes, stretching out your back and limbs. “I know that.”  
“Do you?” his eyes are skeptical.  
“Xan,” you say, standing back up to your full height, which no longer matches his. Your hands rest on your hips as your head tilts to the side. “You ought to stop worrying this much about me. You know I’ve been on my own before, right? You were gone for a month this time.”

He sighs, avoiding your eyes. “I know.”

You don’t move, sort of just observing him. “Are you okay?”  
Xander still doesn’t look you in the eye. “I’m fine, Y/N.”  
“Are you sure?” you ask, frowning. “You just seem off lately.”

He hesitates for a moment, then sighs again, shaking his head and finally looking up at you from his hanging head. “I’m good. Just been stressed taking care of stuff before we leave the Underground.”

This brings another smile to your face. “Just think about how relieved we’ll be when we finally get up there. It will all have been so worth it. All the shit we went through.”

Xander takes a while to respond again. “...I hope so.” 

 

Miss Hastings gives you a look so full of disbelief and scorn as soon as you finish talking that you almost start to question yourself.

“You mean to tell me… that you and that boy are going to live in Wall Rose?” her eyes narrow. “How exactly did you find the money to even leave?”  
“Xan was taking care of all that,” you explain.  
Miss Hastings scoffs. “Well, I won’t tell you not to. But have you ever even seen the money with your own eyes? If you turn up dead I don’t want any blood on my hands, so make sure everything is in order before you leave.”  
“It is,” you assure her. “I’m leaving as soon as we’re done here. Is there anything I need to sign?”

Miss Hastings pulls a paper from underneath the desk, setting it on the surface in front of you. “It’s a release form confirming that you’re over age 12 and that you left by your own decision.”

You take the pen sitting on the desk and sign on the line at the bottom quickly. “Thanks.”

You move to stand as she takes back the paper, but stop as your longtime caretaker starts speaking. “Are you sure that you trust that boy?”

You look over your shoulder at her, head tilting. “Why wouldn’t I? He’s taught me everything I know.”

Miss Hastings simply stares at you for longer than necessary, then waves her hand. “Fine. You’re free to leave. Take all of your belongings.”

You nod to her, then swiftly exit the room.

 

It occurs to you how little you really own as soon as you go to shove all of your stuff in your pockets. You’ve only ever had one outfit at at time, maybe an extra jacket if you’re lucky.  
Around your neck is the gold locket, and in your left pocket the yellowed note from Isabel. In your other pocket is a few coins, and your Underground citizenship card.  
And that’s everything.

You depart from the orphanage, not saying goodbye to anyone else. You spot Miss Keres on your way out, though, and despite how giddy you are, you can’t help but duck away out of her sight when she comes nearby.

The meeting spot Xander told you about is near that place he and his… members… his brothers? You don’t get the whole gang shit even after all these years of being somehow involved. The spot is by their place, though. It’s an area you don’t really like, considering what happened to you just six months ago here, but you grit your teeth and walk with your head down, trying not to attract attention.

When you arrive to the place you think your best friend was referring to, he’s nowhere to be found. It’s a completely empty area, and kind of dark, too. When you glance up to the roof of the cave hanging far above you, there’s very few lights hanging.

“Y/N?”

Your head snaps to the side, and a wide smile spreads across your lips as you recognize the gait and face of your friend.

“Hey!” you call, as he walks closer.  
“Did you just get here?” Xander asks, brushing his hand over your hair. In the back of your head, you question his sudden affectionate actions, but your pure joy at the prospects of where you’ll be going today overshadow any other emotions.

“Uh-huh,” you nod, clasping your hands together. “No need to worry. Especially now that you’re here.”  
Xander looks at you with a sort of sad look, his hand resting on your head. He doesn’t reply, but just draws you into his arms, pressing your face into his shoulder, his other hand clinging onto the fabric of your sweater. 

“Xan? You okay?” you mumble into his shirt, eyes wide. When you look up, his eyes are red. Almost teary.  
“I don’t know, Y/N,” he says, sounding lost. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“What?” you pull away from him, brows drawing together. “What do you mean? Aren’t we leaving today? I signed the release form and everything.”

And that’s when you see them.

Your hands drop from Xander’s arms as your eyes sweep around the area. Six men. All beefy looking. All armed.

“Xander,” you say, your voice quiet. “I think we need to go now.”

He shakes his head. “We can’t go now, Y/N. We can’t now.”

Your eyes widen. _No… no, please- please don’t let this be what I think-_

“This is the one?” 

You look between Xander and the gruff, large man in front of you two as he addresses your friend, pointing at you with his thumb.

Xander just looks at you, his eyes full of apologies. “I’m sorry, Y/N,” he whispers, his voice cracking. “I’m so sorry.”  
“What’s going on?” you say desperately, grabbing on to his arm, but he rips away from you just as you feel someone else grab your wrist. “Xander!”

“I’m sorry!” he cries out to you, tears finally springing from his eyes as you’re pulled away, kicking and screaming, being held tightly in the grip of not one but two men, ankles in the hands of one and wrists in the hands of the others.

“Xander!” you shriek, eyes burning with their own tears as you flail around wildly. “Xander! _Help me!_ ”

“Shut up, slut!” the man holding your wrists slaps you across the face without a moment of hesitation, leaving your cheek red and stinging violently.

You cry out, voice cracking and desperate. “Please… _Xan! Xander!_ ”

“Someone fucking shut the bitch up,” another man says. 

Your eyes try and focus on your best friend in the distance, but you’re being taken further and further away, his shaking shoulders blurring with the weight of your tears.

“Wait, please-!” you scream, and are met immediately with another harsh slap, enough to make you dizzy. 

“Let’s head back.” someone mutters, as you shut your eyes, feeling your will begin to drain from deep inside you.

 

Your eyes are blank and empty by the time you’re finally taken to the booth at the bottom of the single staircase in your city.

Days have passed since Xander abandoned you- no, _sold_ you off.  
At least, you think it’s been days. It’s even more disorienting than usual, when you’re locked in a dark room with nothing in it, and only see other people when dirty middle-aged men come inside to get ‘favors’ from you.

The first time, you’d laid awake in a puddle of your own vomit after he zipped up his pants and left.

By the fourth, you understood how to pretend like it wasn’t you there at all.

Your only comfort was that at least they never forced you to do… the thing that Miss Keres always told you was evil. Something about keeping you a virgin for whoever was looking to buy a young girl to use for pleasure in Wall Sina.

“And your niece’s citizenship card?”

A hand being stuffed into the pockets of your skirts makes you jump, eyes flashing over to the man pretending to be your uncle. They’d come up with a whole fake story as to why they had to take you out of the Undercity.

The money is passed over, and tickets to leave are passed back along with all of your citizenship cards, but the man on your right keeps yours in his left pocket. You note it.

“Come on,” he says gruffly to you, grabbing your hand and dragging you behind him, the other man following. 

You look over your shoulder at the Military Police soldier handling the booth, memorizing his face.  
_Someday I’ll find you,_ you think. _And I’ll tell you all about what you let happen to me._

 

You never wanted your first glimpse of the real world to be like this.

You wish you could have been with Xander- no. Alone.

You wish you could have been walking towards the gate leading out to Wall Rose instead of deeper into Ehrmich.

You wish you could have had the chance to look at the night sky, breathe in the fresh air, feel the cool whip of a breeze pass over your skin.

Instead, you’re shoved into the back of a wagon waiting for you and taken to another small, dark and damp ratty home in the slums of the city.

Just before you’re pushed into the apartment, though, you think you catch a flash of movement at the end of the complex. Another person.  
And all you can think is that maybe, you have a chance to get out of here. Alive.

You’re left there with the same two men who took you out of the Underground.

The one who pretended to be your uncle wastes no time while the other one goes to the bathroom.

“Come here,” he orders you, like you’re some kind of dog. You stare at him with your blank eyes, a sudden rush of desperation hitting you.

_I don’t want to._

The man’s eyes narrow. “I said, come here. Little whores like you have to do as they’re told.”

“I don’t want to.” you say. Simple. Clear. 

The reaction is instant. You yelp as he stalks over to you and grabs you by the hair far faster than you can escape, pulling you up so hard that tears spring to your eyes.

“You dumb bitch,” the man growls, his lips dipping by your ear. You flail and push at him, wailing. “Why are you so fucking hard to work with? That little kid was such a damn liar!”

He grabs your thigh and flips you around, lifting you up and slamming your back against the wall. You scream as he reaches for the waist of your skirt and pulls it down quickly, leaving your legs bare.

“Ah, fuck,” he moans, staring at your legs. You scream again, trying to kick and claw, but he clamps his hand over your mouth, digging his other hand into your thigh. 

You land a major scratch from your nails across his cheek and the man grunts, dropping his grip from your mouth momentarily, but then latching back on to your neck.

“Someone help! Please!” you scream, clawing at the man’s hands just behind your ear and on your thigh. “Please-!”  
“Shut up!” he smacks you, leaving you wide eyed and in shock. “Stupid slut, nobody’s coming to help you!”

“Aw come on, Johan, didn’t the guy say he wanted a virgin?”

The second man emerges from the bathroom just out of your line of sight.

The man with his grip tight on your skin grits his teeth. “Fuck,” he spits, not letting go of you. “Do you think he’d notice if I break her in?”  
“Of course he will, asshole,” you think you can see the other man roll his eyes, but your vision is starting to darken. “You can always tell when the girl’s a virgin or not.”  
“Dammit.”

You’re thrown to the ground in a pile of ratty clothes and tangled hair, tears streaming down your dirty cheeks as your press your hands against the wood floor. You stare at the grain of the wood, eyes wide, until you look up and see it. It only takes a moment before you decide what you’re going to do. No one knows your name, anyway. 

Well, except for them.

 

Your hands tremble as you stare at the two bodies on the floor.

The knife feels cold in your hands.

Now you’ve killed three people. You’re a killer. You’re a murderer. Even if they all deserved it.

That’s right.  
They deserved it.

You drop the knife, watching the more disgusting of the two men… Johan. That was his name. His blood… you watch it creep closer and closer, still dripping from the crescent moon on his neck. It finds its way to the knife, coating the handle.

The other man still twitches, groaning, but you don’t care to put him out of his misery.

Your hands shaking, you walk over to your skirt still bunched up by the wall, and pull it back up over your legs, hiding them away. Then you carefully tip-toe over to the dead body, and go through his left pocket, drawing your citizenship card out of it, and the ticket out of the Underground with your name on it. You check the right and find a wallet. 

You only take three hundred dollars of the thousand inside, too scared to take more in case it looks suspicious. 

You don’t care to look at the other man’s pockets.

Instead, you check your appearance in the mirror, quickly doing a shitty braid down your back and making sure there’s no blood spots that aren’t covered by your buttoned up sweater.

Then you leave out the back window.

 

“You said your parents sent you up here alone?” the man at the government office asks, his eyes narrow. “A twelve year old?”

You look at him blankly. “They don’t have enough money for all of us. They said they’ll find me later.”  
The man sighs. “So then, what are you going to do until then? Do you have a plan? Any family members up here or in Wall Rose? Or do I need to send you to a nunnery?”

“I’m…” you hadn’t thought this far ahead. You didn’t think you’d be asked these kinds of questions here. After all, you have the money… isn’t that all they should care about?

Your eyes land on the back of a leather jacket, with the Military Police logo sewn cleanly onto it.

“I’m going to join the military,” you say with a sudden conviction. 

_"If you ever make it above ground, find your way to the Survey Corps. We’ll all be waiting for you there._  
_Love,_  
_Isabel"_

That’s right.  
You do have somewhere to go.

“Alright, then,” the government employee says, copying the information from your Underground card to the new, above ground one. “That’ll be three hundred dollars.”

You pass him the money after digging it out of your pockets. 

He counts the bills one by one, then smiles curtly as he passes you the new card, enveloped in a fancy leather case. “Welcome to the Walls. You’ll be forcibly returned to the Underground if you’re still in Ehrmich after the enlistment team comes to pick up all of the new trainees.”

“Understood.” you say, and stand, clutching the booklet with your new card inside. “Thank you for your time.”  
“Have a nice day.” he says, already gesturing for the next person after you to come sit down.

 

You dig through the pockets of your skirt, finally grasping onto those few coins you’d managed to keep on you. 

“Sorry,” you mumble shamefully as you pass the storeowner a dollar. He gives you a scornful look as he takes the coin and wipes it off on his apron with no attempt to be subtle.  
He passes you the loaf of bread and gives you another dirty look that makes your head hang as you turn and walk out.

“Dirty underground rats...” you hear him mutter as the door swings shut behind you.

You bite your lip, somewhere in between upset and pissed off as you continue down the street, pretending not to notice the looks being shot at you by the upper class people of Ehrmich. 

You find a place to sit by the river, against a short wall that not many people are passing by. You press your back against it and rip a piece off of the loaf of bread, chewing and swallowing quickly out of desperation. Before you know it, you’ve finished the whole loaf.

“Shit,” you mutter, hands trembling as you go through the coins you have. Not even a dollar left. You already signed up for enlistment earlier, but they won’t be here to take everyone who enlisted for about a week.

Your head tips back against the lip of the wall, and your eyes flutter shut. The sunlight pounds down on your skin- a feeling you’re still not used to. The heat… direct heat and bright light of the sun. Along with the sound of fresh water running, and the light whip of your hair in the breeze.

“Pardon me, miss?”

Your eyes snap open and you scramble to your feet at the sound of the posh accent everyone here speaks with, chin ducking against your chest.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize reflexively, although you’re not really sure where the reflex even came from.

A few seconds pass in silence, which makes you look up out of curiosity.

In front of you is a very petite, fragile looking woman. Her skin is white, whiter than most of the people you know in the Underground, and her hair is coal black. Her eyes are pale blue when they match yours- but you look down again quickly.

“Darling,” the woman says, her voice sweet. It’s strange, though. It’s not sweet in the sick, saccharine way that Miss Hastings spoke. She just sounds… kind.

“Darling,” she repeats when you don’t answer. “I saw you buying bread alone. Are you an orphan from the Underground?”

You cringe. It really is that obvious, huh?

“Yes ma’am,” you answer quietly.

She chuckles, again a warm and friendly sound. “You don’t have to call me ma’am. Just call me Sara. What’s your name?”

Your head lifts slowly and your brows draw together as you look at her. No- observe her.

What if she’s pretending to be nice, and if you talk to her or say anything about yourself to her she’ll call the police on you for something? What if she’s connected to the human traffickers and is trying to get you back to the people you escaped from? What is she’s some sick rich person who kills poor people for fun?

The woman, Sara, seems to notice your hesitation, and her smile becomes more solemn. “I understand your reluctance. This is a whole new world for you, right?” she sighs, looking up at the sky. “My husband is from the Underground. I met him when we were just kids. He had so much to learn… he only ever lived a few kilometers away from me, but the lives we lived before we met were so different it was shocking to me.”

You frown. “How… did you marry someone like that?”  
Sara looks at you. “You mean, someone from the Underground?”  
You nod.  
She smiles. “Not everyone from Wall Sina is as bad as people think. Most certainly are, but my parents worked for their place here through years of military service. They respected my choice to marry him.”  
“Oh.” 

“So will you tell me your name? I’d love to take you around so you can get a feel for the aboveground before you leave to Wall Rose.”

You chew on your lip again, hands clinging together. _Should you, or should you not?_

“I’m…” you trail off, suddenly feeling so extremely ashamed. “I’m not from the Underground.” you say firmly, looking into her eyes.  
“Huh?” she looks surprised. “You’re not?”

You shake your head. “No. I ran away from my parents on the other side of town. I’m joining the military.”

Sara frowns deeply. “My apologies, then. You look… quite tattered, if I may say so.”  
“I know,” you nod, standing straighter. “It’s on purpose. I don’t want anyone to recognize me.”

It takes a moment, but she shrugs. “Well… I don’t mind that either. Are you trying to enter the Military Police brigade?”

You shake your head again. “No, I’m joining the Legion. That’s why I can’t tell my parents.”  
“Who are your parents?” Sara asks, looking more curious than doubtful.  
“Uhh…” you smile awkwardly. “I’d rather not say, if you don’t mind.”

She smiles sweetly again. “I understand that, too. Will you be fine on your own today?”  
“Oh, well…” you look back across the river, and trail off without responding.

Suddenly an arm wraps around yours, making you jump. Sara laughs brightly, patting your head even though she has to reach up to do so.

“Let’s go! I don’t have much to do today. As long as you tell me your name.”

“...It’s Isabel.” you say tentatively. You still don’t trust her enough to say your real name.  
“Alright, Isabel!” Sara chimes, dragging you along the street. “Let’s explore Ehrmich!”

 

Later, you sit across from the woman you found out is only eighteen. For some reason, you thought she was way older. And looks it now, very drunk and slumped over in a tavern that’s far fancier than one you’ve ever been in.

“And I said… Marcel! Don’t tell me that I look beautiful no matter what!” Sara slurs, her cheeks flushed red. “Tell me to lose some weight, damnit! I won’t do it if nobody encourages me!”  
“You should lose some weight,” you say plainly, eating your third plate of risotto (some kind of magical dish you’re trying to consume as much of as possible in case you never eat it again).

“Thank you!” Sara exclaims, throwing her hands up. “Waiter- more drinks, please!”

You hum as you finish off the plate, leaning back in your chair. 

“Hey, Isabel,” Sara mumbles, leaning her face on her palm as she stares at you.  
“Uh huh?”  
“...Do I really need to lose weight?”

“Two beers,” the waiter sets down two more flasks. “Not for you,” he tells you.  
“I know,” you repeat for the third time tonight.

Sara starts rambling again.

“Hey, Sara…” you start out of nowhere, a sudden panic hitting you.  
“Yes?” she chimes, only looking more and more drunk.

“Do you mind if I stay with you for a couple days until they come to take all the trainees to camp? I’m doing this behind my parents’ back, after all.”

“Huh? I guess that’d be fine. As long as you promise to let me take you to say goodbye to them before you leave.”

“...Of course.”

 

**Four Days Later**

A small bead of sweat drips down your temple as you momentarily shut your eyes against the bright sun. It feels like hours have passed, although realistically, it’s probably only been about one.

“I’m Armin Arlert, from Shiganshina, sir!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry the wait was much longer than usual!! ive been super busy recently. the next chapter may take a while too, so my apologies in advance!
> 
> finally we learn about reader's past!!! pretty gruesome. hope you all enjoyed and weren't too disturbed.


	22. twenty - eve

“So…” you trail off, tugging at your fingers nervously. “That’s… that’s the truth about me.”

You don’t look at Eren. You can’t look at Eren. You just stare at your hands, at your dry skin and the shape of your fingernails. You pay attention to every detail, just to stay away from the reality of what you’ve just explained.

Time passes in utter silence, the rest of the world tuned out. 

“Is all of that why… why you act like you don’t care about humanity?”

You’re surprised by that being the first thing he says to you, but not enough to move or look at him. “...I guess so.”

Eren is silent for a moment, then sighs. You hear the sound of shuffling clothes, and then feel the brush of air as he stands up. Finally, you look up at him, his hand extended down towards you. 

“Come on,” he says, his voice quiet.   
You glance between his hand and his eyes- they look far off, like he’s thinking about something bigger than you. “What?”  
Eren’s eyes seem to focus on you, but his neutral expression doesn’t change. “I think you should get some sleep. It’s getting really late.”

_Right, that probably took a while…_

You take a moment just to look at him, really look, taking in the swipe of blue light on his cheekbones, the flutter of his hair across his forehead in the breeze, the luminosity of his green eyes. His hand pushes out to you again.

“You have the practice run in just a few hours, Y/N.” Eren says.

You sigh to yourself and reach up, grasping his hand tightly. He pulls you up easily, your cane in your other hand to help you balance as you settle on both feet. 

Face to face with Eren once again, you’re not sure how to feel. Why is he avoiding what you told him like this? You frown, opening your mouth to talk, but he cuts you off.

“Just leave my coat on your door handle. I’ll get it in the morning.”

Surprised, you remember what’s been keeping you warm this whole time. “No, Eren, you should take it now, it’s so cold-”

He lets go of your hand to set his on your shoulder. “Just take it for now.”

Lips hanging open, you stare at him, full of confusion. “A-alright…”

“See you later,” Eren says, his hand slipping from your shoulder. He doesn’t move, but you feel pressured to.

“See you, then,” you reply with hesitation, taking short steps backwards before you can finally rip your gaze away to turn around.

The air feels so much colder as soon as you draw Eren’s coat from your shoulders.

 

“I heard from the nurse. She said you seemed fine after the practice run of the expedition. You rode astride?”

You nod to Levi, sitting straight as this feels like Corporal Levi and not Underground Levi right now. “Yes. It felt uncomfortable but not extremely painful or anything.”  
Levi nods back. “That’ll work. You still feel confident with your maneuver gear despite not practicing for a few weeks?”  
“Yes.” you reply simply. “Two minutes and I’ll be in the swing of things again.”  
“Tch.” Levi rolls his eyes. “I told you I don’t need anyone overconfident.”  
“I’m not overconfident,” you say with a lilt in your tone. “I’m exactly as confident as I should be.”  
“Annoying brat…”

Both you and Levi take a sip of tea at the same time, although you have to fake a placid expression- the tea is really bitter and strong, and you just can’t bring yourself to actually like it.

“Anyway,” Levi’s composure shifts slightly. He relaxes in his chair just a little, and he crosses his ankles under the desk. “Eren said something strange the other day, the first time he transformed.”  
You tilt your head. “Oh, really? When?”  
“When we were fake arresting you.”

You think back, but nothing really stands out to you as weird. He’d just passionately defended you, for whatever reason.

“What was it?” you ask out of curiosity, leaning forward.  
Levi’s eyes narrow. “He said that you already suffered enough.”

Your expression of interest fades to something blank as you lean back again. “Oh.”

“I understand that you must have had a hard time by yourself in the Undercity,” Levi says, his voice as unreadable as ever. “I had a fucked up life down there too. But with all our talk about the damned place, you never mentioned how exactly you got out. Was it really illegal? Am I housing a criminal in the Survey corps?”

“I’m as much a criminal as you are,” you retort bitterly, avoiding his eyes. “I just did what I had to.”  
“Which was?” Levi prods. “I need to know in case the MPs really do come after you sometime.”

That thought makes you shiver.

“I…” you start, but your throat dries up again. You’d already recounted the entire story to Eren last night. The idea of repeating all of it…

“Don’t go on a rant about your life. Just tell me how you got out. Short and sweet.” Levi tells you, sighing.

You chew on your lower lip nervously, feeling awkward under his eyes. “It’s just that… well…”  
“Well, what? Spit it out, kid.”

Your nails dig into the palms of your hands as you stare down at them. “I got forced into doing stuff I didn’t want to do.”

Levi is dead silent, but you don’t look up.

“I had this friend from the orphanage. Three years ago, we were supposed to leave the Undercity together, but he tricked me and sold me to human traffickers instead. They brought me to Ehrmich and then I killed them when I got a chance. I stole their money and got an ID, and then joined the military. That’s how I got out. A lot of stuff happened in between. And Eren was right. I suffered a lot.”

More time passes in utter silence.

_Clink._

You glance at the china teacup as Levi sets it down onto its respective plate.

He sighs.

“So we raised you right, then.”

You frown, finally looking all the way up. “That’s… what you have to say?”  
His expression is stony, but his eyes look clouded. “I’m sorry you went through all that. A kid like you shouldn’t have had to. But you knew you had to survive, and you’re right. You did what you had to in order to survive.”

You don’t know what to say in response, so you just stare quietly. 

“You won’t suffer like that anymore.” Levi says, as a statement. His grip over the top of the teacup tightens. “And if you ever recognize one of the bastards who hurt you, I’ll kill them.”  
“Only if I don’t kill them first.” you hum, dropping your chin in your palm.   
The corner of Levi’s lip tilts up slightly. “Deal.”

 

“Hey, Eren asked if you want to eat dinner with the three of us tonight,” Armin grins at you as the two of you walk back from the stables after a long afternoon of cleaning them. 

“Oh, really?” you ask. You hadn’t had the chance to talk to Eren at all after going back inside last night. Or… this morning? Whatever. 

You’d told him your story. From the very beginning of it all in the Underground, to the first day of military training where your new life began. You don’t know how long you talked, but it must have been a while, since you’re sure you rambled a lot. You’ve never said any of that stuff aloud before. 

Needless to say, you’re confused on where he stands, and even a little scared. There’s always the chance that it could spread around- where you’re from, what you’ve done.

“Yeah, I guess he got used to always eating with you.” Armin shrugs. “Since you’ve been helping Captain Hange with the titan-shifting experiments.”  
“Helping is a strong word for what I’ve been doing,” you joke, trying to seem lighter hearted than you feel.  
“Still, I’m sure you’ve been doing something!” Armin insists, smiling at you brightly. “You’re smarter than you think, Y/N.”  
“Thanks, Armin,” you smile back at him, lightly punching his arm. “Anyway, I promised Sasha I’d eat with her tonight, so I’ll have to pass on Eren’s offer. Tell him sorry for me?”  
“I sure will,” the blond boy gives you a thumbs up as you both head inside the mess hall. “See you later!”  
You wave your hand as a goodbye, splitting off from Armin to go find Sasha.

“Hey!” your best friend exclaims, practically jumping you as soon as she spots you. “I saw you with Armin and thought that meant you decided to ditch me for Eren! Not that I’d be mad at you for that, obviously, since you two have that weird thing going on-”

You clap your hand over her mouth, looking around nervously. “Can you not say that kind of stuff in public places?”

Sasha smiles under your hand. “Mmmrrphy!” she says, muffled.   
Taking that as an apology, you drop your hand and sigh. “Let’s get in line.”

Twenty or so minutes later, the two of you sit down at a table with Connie and Jean, neither of whom you realized would be eating with you tonight. After all, you’d also fought with Jean yesterday…

“Hey, Y/N,” Connie says, mouth stuffed, talking as he chews. “How’d the practice run go for you today? You’re nearby Armin in the formation, right?”

You nod, chewing, then talking once you swallow. “Yeah, Row 2-4.”  
“I gotta hand it to you,” Connie shrugs. “You’re one determined soldier. I don’t know how you convinced the brass to let you on this expedition, but I respect you for it.”  
“Thanks, Connie,” you smile sincerely. Usually he’s joking when he says that kind of stuff.

“I wish you were closer to me in the form, Y/N,” Sasha sighs dramatically, leaning on your shoulder as she has already finished her food. “I’d feel so much better with you around.”  
You scoff. “Yeah, ‘cause I’m a seasoned titan killer.”  
“You are!” your friend insists, sitting up straight. “You’ve killed the most titans out of the 104th, after Mikasa.”  
You purse your lips but don’t answer, looking back down at your food instead.

“She’s right.”

Surprised, your eyes snap up to find Jean’s gaze on you, his chin in his palm. 

“You’re one of the best soldiers here. I’d be glad if you were nearby me, too.”

Your lips fall apart as you stare at him in shock. Is this… an apology? From Jean Kirschtein?

“...Thanks.” you mumble, glancing away, suddenly feeling bashful. “What’s with all the compliments, guys…”

“Trying to make sure you’re in a good mood so you don’t do some self-sacrifice shit during the expedition,” Connie says bluntly, making you chuckle.

“Y/N would never do that,” Jean says, but he’s smiling, almost fondly. “She’s gotta buy that hat she’s wanted for like two years.”  
You smile back at him. “You’re right about that, Kirschtein. Humanity or my hat? There’s no question.”

 

You get a weird sense of deja vu as you absentmindedly twirl a stirrer around in your beer with one hand, the other being used as a surface to rest your head on. It feels weirdly like that day years ago, when you’d sat across from Sara and watched her get drunk, while all you could think about is what just happened to you.

Now, you’re thinking about those weeks of pain and fear all over again, watching Eren grin at Mikasa on the other side of the pub, clearly oblivious to the war going on inside your head: Should you go ask him why he hasn’t talked to you since the night by the river, or not?

You groan, head falling forward and your hair sliding down over your face. “This is stupid.” you mutter under your breath. _I don’t have time to be worrying about stuff like this right now._

“Hey.” a sharp elbow nudges your side, and you look to your left to see Jean raising a brow. “What’s with the mumbling? Finally losing it or something?”

You don’t even have the heart to say something rude back, so you just sigh and start following the swirl of the liquid inside your mug as you keep mixing it around.

“If you’re not gonna drink that-” you yelp as Jean snatches the beer right out from under you, tipping his head back and chugging what’s left in just a few seconds. He sets the glass back down with a refreshed ‘ah’ and smirks at you. “Then I will.”  
Your lips hang open as you stare at him, astonished. “What the…”  
Jean’s pompous look fades from his lips, and in a more serious countenance, he turns to you completely. “Seriously though, Y/N. You’ve been super out of it the whole night. This is our time to enjoy ourselves before the shitstorm that’s bound to go down tomorrow.”

You sigh again.  
The expedition.  
Right. That’s why you’re out here having a drink.

“If you think about it,” you muse, looking around at the soldiers clanging their steins together. “It’s not really smart for people to develop hangovers before the trip outside the Wall…”  
Jean scoffs. “Can you not avoid the topic matter? What’s going on with you?”  
Your eyes slide over to his, and land on them, focused. “You really wanna know?”  
He leans back a little, seeming surprised. “...Is it that serious?”  
“It is that serious,” you hum. “I told Eren my life story.”

_Oh shit, did I just say that?_

You try to mask your cringe at what you’ve just spilled, but it’s probably more obvious than you could hope for. Is this what alcohol does to you? Did it do this to you the last time you drank it?

“Your… life… story?” Jean repeats cautiously, raising his eyebrows.  
“Uhh,” you awkwardly brush your hair away from your face, not looking at the boy next to you. “Yeah.”

Jean sighs. Out of your peripheral vision, you can see him wiping his hand over his forehead. “Does it have to do with what you yelled at me over the other day?”

You cringe again. “What, when I gave you shit over the Sina girl nickname?”  
“Yeah, that.”  
You sigh back, dropping your chin onto your folded hands. “Yeah, Jean. It’s got to do with it.”

Still out of your peripherals, you watch him lean back, eyeing you skeptically. “So you’re really not from Wall Sina. Where are you from, then? How’d you get into Wall Rose?”  
“I’m from the Underground,” you mumble, focusing on the table. “It’s a city under Ehrmich. I got out when I was 12 and enlisted in the military from there. Nothing to do with Wall anything.”  
Jean shakes his head. “...Damn.”

“Damn?” you sit up and face him, tilting your head. “What does that mean?”  
“It means, sorry for annoying you for three years, and sorry that your life probably sucked.” Jean says, talking with that slightly sarcastic lull that tells you he’s trying to keep this conversation from becoming too serious. “And sorry that your stupid ass decided to continue having a shitty life by joining the Survey Corps.”

The corner of your lips turn up as you look at Jean, thankful for his diversion from the dark subject matter. “I guess your ass is as stupid as mine.”  
He scoffs. “My ass is great, and definitely better than yours.”  
“Have you been checking out my ass, Kirschtein?” you tease, grinning as he flushes immediately. “Just for comparison?”  
“I don’t look at your ass, dumbass!”  
“I thought we established that your ass is dumb, too?”  
“ _Arghh!_ ”

 

The air is crisp and fresh when you walk outside of the pub, sliding down against the stone wall to sit on the ground. You draw your knees up to your chest and tug your skirt down to your ankles, wrapping your arms around your legs the way you always do when you sit on the ground.

It’s getting loud inside- reaching the peak of the night. Commander Erwin called off drinks at a certain point, and you know you’ll have to head back soon (even though the sun only set about an hour ago), but many of the more seasoned soldiers are enjoying their free time to the fullest. 

You’d hung out with Jean for a while; somehow he always manages to keep your mind off things when you need him to. The two of you played cards with Connie and Sasha and definitely cheated to win as a pair, and had a lot of laughs while doing so.

But eventually, all thoughts come back to dwell in your mind.  
So you found yourself walking out the door, staring up the night sky.

_“What do you think stars look like in real life?” you ask, lying on your back next to Xander._   
_He hums, and takes a while to respond. “...I think they look like candles from far away.”_   
_“But candles flicker.”_   
_“Why, do stars not flicker?”_   
_“I don’t know, Xan, that’s why I’m asking you.” you look over and grin at him, content when his eyes meet yours._   
_“One day we’ll see them together,” he says, his hand lifting to brush your hair back from your forehead. “We can see if they flicker or not.”_

“They don’t, Xan.” you mutter, head tilted back against the wall. The stars shine, and they twinkle a little bit, but they don’t move, and they don’t flicker. 

“Talking to ghosts?”

Surprised, your head snaps to the left, eyes wide as they land on Eren’s figure, leaning against the wall a couple feet away.

“...What?” you ask, frowning.  
A half-smile lines his lips. “That’s a saying in the south. When someone’s talking to themselves at night, you're supposed to ask if they’re talking to a ghost.”  
You glance back at the stars. “I see.”  
“I’m not trying to isolate you,” Eren says, walking over and sitting down beside you with a grunt. “Most people here wouldn’t know that either.”  
“That’s fine,” you shrug. “I’ve been pretending to know stuff like that for years.”  
Eren nods. “I guess. So were you really talking to a ghost?”  
“I could be,” you breathe, eyes shutting. “I don’t know if he’s still alive.”

You can practically feel Eren stiffen.

“Who?” 

The question was expected, but the name still lingers on your tongue, hesitant to come out after everything you’d said before.

“The guy you talked about from the Underground? Xander?”

A sharp laugh passes through your lips. “Weird. I’ve never heard someone here say his name before.”  
“Nobody should ever say his name,” Eren says, his tone rigid. “After what he did to you.”

“...I guess so.” you sigh, your eyes fluttering open so that the stars take up your vision once again. “But that’s life.”

“...So then, I’m the only one that knows?” Eren asks, and you can feel his eyes settling onto you. “All of your… your life?”  
You shrug. “Levi kind of knows. I told Sasha and Mikasa where I’m really from around a year ago, and I told Jean earlier because it slipped a few days ago.”  
“Mikasa and Sasha have known that long?” Eren exclaims. You turn to him and find his eyes wide, the lamplights hanging over you striking a gold gleam into the green you’re so used to.  
You nod slowly. “Yeah.”  
Eren shakes his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe Mikasa kept her mouth shut that long.”  
You chuckle, nodding. “I thought she might tell you, but she never did.”

A moment passes in silence. You feel weird staying turned towards Eren, so you look away and start tugging on your fingers to stretch them out. 

“...Did you seriously tell that Horse-face?”  
You whip back around and instinctively smack Eren on the arm, earning an ‘ow!’. “Will you two cut it out with the stupid nicknames? We’re not twelve anymore!”  
“He’s still a huge bitch,” Eren says snottily, prompting you to smack him again.  
“He is not,” you roll your eyes. “That’s just his personality.”  
“His personality?” the boy beside you grumbles. “His personality is being a bitch?”  
“That’s not what I mean.” you deadpan. “Anyway, Jean is really different these days.”  
Eren’s face in your peripherals becomes more somber. “Yeah, you’re right about that, honestly…”

You think back to that first day that you all arrived at the Survey Corps base.

_“You need to pay more attention. This isn’t playtime or just for rankings anymore. If you don’t know what to do during the expedition, you’ll die.”_   
_“I’m just trying to keep you safe, Y/N.”_

“It’s because of Marco,” you murmur, eyes falling to your hands as your fingers draw together. “You weren’t there, but Jean…” you sigh sharply, shaking your head. “It was hard for him.”

“Yeah…” Eren’s voice fades, sounding weak. You glance over, and find his fists clenched at his sides.

“Eren,” you say, getting his attention. “He didn’t mean it, back then. When he said we’ll probably all die without you realizing it. He was just taking out his pain on you.”

“I know,” he says, staring down at the pavement. “But he was right when he said that you should know what you’re fighting for. He was right when he said I have to offer something worth risking your lives for.” Eren grits his teeth, his brows drawing together. “I won’t let anyone else die like Marco. Nobody else has to die.”

You watch him, hesitating to speak.

You’ve never thought like Eren, and no matter how much it seems that he’s matured in the past few years and especially the past month since finding out about his titan-shifting nature, you probably never will. You and Eren aren’t that different, really. You’ve experienced very different lives, but ultimately you have a lot in common. But you just can’t understand the promises he makes himself, the promises surrounding staying alive, when you live the way you do.

Won’t it hurt more when people inevitably die, if you make a promise to keep them alive?

“Right,” you finally say, dropping your head onto Eren’s shoulder, so that you can comfort him, but don’t have to look him in the eye as you lie. “I know you can do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry for the super long wait for this chapter. i have gotten so busy with school as we get farther into this semester, but im still trying to find time to write! i definitely havent lost inspiration or anything so dont worry about that, just very busy :)  
> anyway, this chapter is a little short but i think it works with the pacing. thank you for reading and i really hope you enjoy!
> 
> edit: somehow this chapter got messed up at some point, i really don't know when. there were like 2 whole scenes cut out. i've fixed it now, sorry for any confusion!


	23. twenty one - flares

The next morning barely feels real to you- time passing both faster than ever and yet moving like it's wading through mud at the same time. 

Between the time that Sasha shakes you awake, a grim expression on her face, and the moment that you sit atop your horse in Karanes among all the other soldiers of the Legion, there is little that you can remember. You’d had a sick feeling of anxiety and anticipation the whole morning, and had just gone through the steps of your usual routine (getting dressed, eating breakfast, drawing back your hair) in an effort to avoid the reality of today.

But now, having gone through the gates, the roar of Commander Erwin’s final call to the Corps ringing through your ears, every second feels vivid and intense.

You’re riding alongside Reiner, Armin, and Jean as the whole Legion makes its way through the abandoned town outside of Karanes, but as soon as you pass the last remnant of a building, the order to take on the long-range formation gets swept through the regiment.

“See you later, Armin,” Reiner tells the boy in front of you, his voice gritty, a frown layered on his pale face. He glances at you and Jean. “You guys, too.”  
“Good luck, Reiner,” you tell him as he moves out to the right.

“Hey, don’t piss yourself if you run into a titan,” Jean mutters in yours and Armin’s direction.  
“Likewise to you!” Armin calls back as Jean too separates from the two of you.  
“Be careful, Jean!” you shout out last minute as he starts to get farther away. Your throat feels dry already, and your hands shake on your reins as you see the boy get smaller and smaller.

You and Armin are in the same sector, but you still have to move out a bit farther than him, taking the more dangerous spot because of your high rank as a trainee.

“Stay safe, Y/N!” the boy calls out to you, his blue eyes full of focus and fear.  
You give him a sharp nod. “You too.”

And with that, you’re alone.

 

Another red signal fires from your gun as you spot the one shot off far to your right. Thirty or so seconds later, you watch as the green flare from the center of the formation directs you to the left. 

_This isn’t so hard,_ you think to yourself, putting the gun away, pretending not to feel the way your hands are trembling. _They made it seem a lot harder._

But despite the thoughts you’re trying to have, you can’t ignore the unsettled feeling in the pit of your chest. Why do you feel so uneasy? It almost seems worse than in Trost- at least then, you’d had the adrenaline rushes because of how much you were constantly in motion. But here, it only feels like you’re waiting for something bad to happen.

_“An aberrant titan on our first mission outside the walls. I did everything I could and it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry.”_

You shudder, hand coming up to clutch at your locket- Isabel’s locket. Will you too die before anyone can reach you? Will all that’s left behind of you be memories?

Your thoughts are interrupted by a stark, black cloud rising through the air northeast to you. Immediately the sinking feeling only gets worse, and you start to feel a little faint.

A black flare.  
An aberrant.

You scramble for the black flare in the pocket on your horse, pulling it out and shooting quickly, hoping Armin can see it and also convey the message.

Suddenly, from the woods nearby, Captain Ness and the other soldier in your line, Cis, burst out, a gangly, massive titan running after them.

“Cadet L/N!” Ness calls out to you as you stare between him and the titan, eyes wide and horrified.

“Y-yes, sir!” you shout back, shaking your shock off. 

“Do not try and engage the titan, catch up with Arlert instead! We’ll take care of it!” he then turns to Cis. “You go for its nape! I’ll stop it in its tracks!”  
“Understood!” you hear the faint shout from Cis on the other side of the titan. 

You don’t bother with another yes sir, and after one last look at the aberrant titan, you grip the reins with fervently shaking hands, and push your horse forward, looking for Armin’s blond head against the green landscape.

It only takes a minute of riding at full speed before you come across the boy, who had been staring in your direction.

“Armin!” you call, your voice wavering.  
“Y/N!” his eyes are wide. “What happened? There’s an aberrant?”  
You slow down to match his speed, breathing hard as you glance behind you. “Yeah, it came out of the woods. Captain Ness and Cis are supposed to be taking care of it, but if they die it’ll be on us, right?”  
“Don’t worry about that!” he says fiercely, brows narrowing. “They’ll be fine!”

You dig your nails into your palms. “I hope you’re right.”

A couple minutes pass where no more signals get fired off, and you and Armin just ride ahead, Armin looking behind you every few seconds to check if the titan has been killed yet.

“They did it!” he exclaims out of nowhere. Your head whips around, and sure enough, behind you is the body of the titan, and the miniscule figures of Captain Ness and Cis hanging around it, their horses trotting back to them. 

You sigh in relief and turn your head away. “Should I break off again, then? You know better than me, Armin.”  
He frowns. “I don’t know. Maybe we should just stick together. The Captain and Cis are, after all.”  
“Good idea,” you say plainly, trying to hide how much more relieved that made you. Even if Armin is kind of a weakling, and you’d definitely be the one fighting if a titan shows up, you still feel better with someone else around. Plus, he actually knows the strategy you’re supposed to be followed.

“Hey, what are they looking at?” Armin says, looking southeast towards your old position, where Captain Ness and Cis are riding.  
You look back too, and your eyes widen instantly. “Fucking hell, is that another aberrant?”

You feel pounding footsteps starting to reverberate on the earth below you and let out a surprised yelp.

“What-!” Armin exclaims, drawing a black flare quickly.  
“Armin!” you cry as you see the huge, 14 or maybe 15 meter titan running faster than any other titan you’ve ever come across. It’s enormous foot lands right in between Ness and Cis, as it runs with a purpose towards you two.

“What the- it’s way too fast!” the boy beside you stares at the thing as it approaches, his hand with the gun falling.  
“They’re going after it!” you watch in horror as first Cis, and then Captain Ness fire their wires into the skin of the titan. As it gets closer, it even looks different from a normal titan- it doesn’t have skin like humans, rather, it looks like it’s been skinned. Just muscle.

Kind of like the Colossal Titan, actually.

“No!” Armin’s scream makes your eyes focus back on the sight to your right. You’re just in time to watch as the aberrant titan grabs the wires off of its back and slams both Captain Ness and Cis into the ground, blood and limbs flying into the air with the impact.

“Oh my fucking God,” you squeeze your eyes shut, shaking far more fiercely now. “ _What the fuck is going on?_ ”

“It’s coming after us!” Armin gasps harshly, which makes your eyes snap open. You instinctively follow him as he jerks to the side, facing the middle of the formation and away from the aberrant, pushing his horse to top speed. Your ankle throbs but you can barely feel it, your heart pounding in your chest as you glance behind you at the titan.

“Did you see that!” you shout, hair flying out of the tie you’d put it in now that you’re going against the wind. “It killed them! It killed them Armin!”  
“I saw it!” he calls back. “This one is different! This isn’t an abnormal titan- it has intelligence!”  
“What?” you shake your head. “What do you mean?”  
“It’s like the Armored Titan, or the Colossal, or Eren!” Armin yells over his shoulder. “It’s a human, Y/N! A human in a titan body!”

“... _What?!_ ” you cry with exasperation. “Armin! What are you talking about?!”

“What do we do?” he stumbles over his words, sounding like he’s talking more to himself than to you. “This is really bad! It’s gonna kill us too!”  
“It’s right there!” you shriek out as tears well up in the corner of your eyes. “Armin! Come up with something!”

He looks back at you, his eyes flashing momentarily up to the titan, and then back down. “Y/N! Run!”

“What?” you holler. “Are you crazy? You’re gonna die without me around!”  
“Go! _Now!_ ” he thrusts his hand out, letting the other horse he’d been holding onto ho, but all it takes is a glance behind you to convince you that Armin has the right idea by telling you to escape.

Without a moment of hesitation, you veer off to the side, deeper into the formation, tugging painfully on the ligaments in your ankle. You bite down on your lip as you pound farther away from Armin, gasping for air, eyes staying on him. 

The titan approaches closer and closer to the boy, until finally, its foot rises up right over his head-

“Armin!” you shriek, watching his chin tip back to stare up at the horrifying creature. You gasp as the foot comes down, tears springing from your eyes as you anticipate the blood-

But there isn’t any.

You squint, still gasping for air, trying to figure out what happened. The titan has stopped, but you can’t see past its massive feet. You slow down, finding your way to a crumbling house nearby, after taking a quick look to see if it’s empty.

For some reason, you have the feeling that you don’t want this so-called intelligent titan to know you’re still around. 

You swerve around the building, so that you’re still hidden, but you can somewhat see past the titan- and immediately feel your horror at Armin’s possible death alleviate. He’s on the ground, turned away from you, but not looking dead by the way he stumbles up onto his knees.

Suddenly, the titan crouches down. Your hands come up to your mouth as you watch, eyes wide. It’s almost like that day, just over a month ago. The first death you’d seen- Sofia, half of her body sticking out of a titan’s mouth, her hands weakly reaching up towards you, her desperate expression.

That sense of being the observer in someone’s gruesome murder.

But as the titan’s hand reaches out towards Armin, it doesn’t grab him, and it doesn’t put him in its mouth.  
It grabs the hood of his cloak instead, and pulls it away from his head, staring down at him for a moment.

And then it stands up, and starts running again, heading right past you deeper into the formation.

“Y/N!” 

Your head whips around, finding Reiner behind you, holding the reins of another horse in his hand.

“Reiner!” you gasp, pointing frantically between yourself, Armin, and the direction the aberrant titan went. “It just came out of nowhere, and Captain Ness- and, and- Armin’s over there, and I don’t know why, but-”

“Slow down,” he says firmly, setting his hand on your shoulder. “Let’s go get Armin.”

You’re a little surprised by his reaction- he doesn’t seem like he’s really questioning what happened to you and Armin. He seems calm. But you don’t really have a choice, so when Reiner rides past you towards Armin, you just follow along.

“Armin!” the older boy calls as the two of you circle around in front of him.  
“Reiner! Y/N!” the blond’s eyes are wide looking up at you.  
“Can you stand?” Reiner asks, gesturing to the reins in his hand. “There’s no surviving outside the walls without a horse, you know. Hurry!”  
“Right!” Armin scrambles to his feet and climbs up onto the horse, settling in. 

The three of you start riding right away, following the “intelligent” titan as per Reiner’s suggestion.

“I saw the Abnormal smoke signal,” he says, still looking calm. “Is it that one with the nice butt?”  
You shoot him a judgemental look, but his eyes are set on the titan up ahead.

“It’s not an aberrant,” Armin grits his teeth. “It’s a person, clad in a titan’s body!”  
“What?” Reiner’s head snaps to Armin.  
“Hold on,” the boy seems to realize something. “We should fire a smoke signal first! We need to let them know… there’s an emergency!”  
“I’ll do it,” you pull your gun out after seeing Armin’s hands fumbling with the flare bullets, but Reiner holds his hand up at you and gestures behind you just as you hear the crack of a flare.

“Jean did it for us.” 

Sure enough, there is Jean, riding up to meet you. 

And then more flares, firing off from the right wing.

“What the…” your voice is weak as you see the color- all yellow.  
“From over there?” Reiner sounds worried. “They’ve suffered too severe of an attack to continue the operation?”  
“Apparently part of the right wing’s been totally wiped out!” Jean calls as he rides up beside you. “A whole horde of titans showed up. Not sure how it happened, though. A bunch of them are fast, too! We’re holding them off for now, but there’s nobody left on spotting duty.” he grits his teeth. “This is seriously bad, we could all get wiped out at this rate.”

Armin’s eyes are looking past you when you glance over at him. “That’s the same direction she came from...” he mumbles, expression dark. “Could it be? Did she lead the titans here?”  
“She? It’s an it!” you exclaim, unwilling to believe that this is a person like Eren.  
“What’s a titan doing there?” Jean frowns. “Is it an aberrant?”  
“No, it’s a human wearing titan’s clothes,” Armin says lowly. “Like Eren.”  
“What?!” Jean blurts.  
“We don’t know that for sure,” you bite back.  
“What makes you think that, Armin?” Reiner asks. “Y/N doesn’t seem to think so.”

Armin frowns. “Eating is all that titans do. Killing is never their actual goal, even if humans die because of it. But as soon as experienced soldier went for the nape of her neck, she crushed them.”

You wince, the image of Captain Ness’s blood splattering into the air flashing against your lids when you blink.

“...She didn’t do it to eat them. She did it to kill them.”

“So what does that mean?” Jean swallows nervously. 

“She must’ve been the one who brought the hordes of titans when the Colossal and Armored titans destroyed the wall. Meaning she’s consistently had the goal of attacking humans.”

You look over at Armin in horror. 

Could that… be true?

A titan just like those two that appeared like devils on judgement day, but within the giant body, a human just like Eren… someone who can transform into a beast of immense destruction.  
Someone who uses that power to kill other humans.

“Or maybe…” Armin frowns. “I think she might be searching for someone. But the only question is who…”  
“Eren?” you suggest, then shut your mouth tight as Armin looks over at you.  
“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” he nods.  
“Eren?” questions Reiner. “Eren’s with Levi’s squad. They’re in charge of the right wing.”

_Huh?_

Jean and Armin have the same reaction as you.

“Right wing? My copy of the plan had them at the rear of the left wing.” Jean says, his eyebrows knitting together.  
“They were at the front of the left wing on mine,” you tilt your head.  
“Mine had them at the front of the right wing,” Armin shakes his head. “But that doesn’t make sense, they wouldn’t be on the front lines like that.”

“Then where are they?” Reiner looks frustrated.  
Armin sighs. “The safest place in this formation, I’d assume. The rear of the center rank.”

You frown, pursing your lips as you think to yourself.

You all had different copies of the formation plan? With only Squad Levi’s placement being different each time? What could possibly be the purpose of that?

“Armin!” Jean snaps. “This isn’t the time to get lost in thought! The smoke signals aren’t enough to explain how much of a threat she poses. At this rate, she’ll take out the command squad, too, and if that happens, we’ll all die!”

“What are you suggesting?” Reiner asks darkly, clenching his jaw. You chew nervously on your lip as Jean answers.  
“I’m saying that from this distance we might still be able to distract her.” he says. “We can buy some time for everyone to retreat. Maybe, anyway...”

“Jean…” you whisper, watching the way his expression fades into something between somber and desperate. You can only imagine what he’s thinking right now.

“...She really does have intelligence,” Armin pipes up. “From her point of view, we’re literally like insects. All it takes is one swipe to kill us.”  
“Yeah, she took out both Captain Ness and Cis in just a few seconds,” you shudder.  
“You don’t say,” Jean grimaces. “That’s some scary stuff.”  
“Are you really Jean? The Jean I know only cares about himself.” Reiner drawls.  
“That’s rude,” said boy says, his voice quiet and grating. “I just don’t want to meet a disappointing end as a bunch of burnt bones that you can’t even tell are mine.”

You flinch, remembering Jean’s attitude a couple of weeks ago. Of course he hasn’t gotten over Marco’s death. Of course, it plagues him every time he thinks about where he is, and what he chose.

_“I saw his dead body, and I carried him to the pyre, and I watched him burn. He’s not like Eren. He’s dead, and he’s never coming back.”_  
_“This is the situation. Humanity and our lives depend on him. We’ll probably die like Marco, without Eren ever realizing it.”_

Of course he remembers that he was the one who happened to survive.

“I know what needs to be done now!” Jean says with conviction, his voice rising in volume. “Plus, we… we chose this job, didn’t we? Help me!”

“...Are you crazy?” you snap, looking at him with wide eyes. “Jean, you can’t seriously be thinking that’ll work!”  
“We have to do something!” he insists, then sighs sharply, looking away. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I can’t protect you today.”

Stunned, you just stare as he seems to resolve himself, and then Armin tugs his hood up at your side.

“Pull your hood over your head so she can’t see your face!” he directs, gripping his own. “She can’t risk killing us if she can’t see who we are!”  
“I get it,” Reiner grins slyly. “She can’t kill anyone who might be Eren.”  
“Goddamnit,” you cry in frustration. “This better work, Armin, or I’ll kick your ass in heaven when we die!”  
He grins over at you as you tug up your hood, shoving your hair under it too. “It’ll work. Just trust me.”

With that, the three of you increase your speed and begin to drift away from each other, cloaked in the hunter green hoods that mask your identity from above.

Your eyes stay focused on the titan up ahead, the same feeling of stark vividness of every second from before returning, tenfold. You glance around at Jean, Armin, and Reiner, wondering what it is exactly that you should do.

Out of the four of you, Reiner is probably the best chance of doing something to take the titan down, but he isn’t acting. After him, it should be you, based off of your performance in training and at Trost, but with your ankle injured and how frazzled you feel, you’re not sure you’ll be in your right mind taking that thing on.

But your decisions are made for you when Jean suddenly fires off his wires at the titan, flying into the air off of his horse. But as soon as Jean is up in the air, the aberrant titan is skidding, its body turning towards Armin.

“No…” you whisper, dread lining your voice. Is it… going after him? Did it recognize that you’re going to try to attack it?

Sure enough, the titan’s massive hand swings down and slams into Armin’s horse with no hesitation, ripping a scream from your throat as his body tumbles through the air, almost like a leaf being pulled along by fierce winds.

“Armin!” you hear Jean shout, and see him running towards the boy. You grit your teeth and turn your horse the same direction, where the titan is now leaning down over Armin much like it had before.

But to your horror, Jean doesn’t keep running- he fires his wires into the titan once again, latching onto its shoulder.

“Jean, wait!” you cry, pushing your horse faster as the titan turns immediately, planting its foot into the ground as it stares Jean in the face. He zips around the titan a few times, but the feeling of terrible anticipation growing in your stomach. 

You catch sight of Reiner on the other side of the titan, also riding towards them, shouting Jean’s name with alarm. 

A horrible, shuddering breath passes your lips as you watch the titan clench its fist, and you quickly draw your swords from your holsters, fingers wrapping around the gas handles but slipping awkwardly due to the sweat on your hands.

You inhale deeply, preparing to fire your wires and try to save Jean from getting crushed like Captain Ness-

“ _Jean!_ ” Armin’s scream rings out loud enough that you can hear it from here. “Avenge that suicidal bastard!”

And suddenly, very suddenly-  
The titan stops.

“It was her!” Armin continues. “She killed him! The maniac finally got himself killed, in the right wing!”

You come to a stop, eyes wide, staring at Armin. Is he… talking about Eren?

“She crushed my friend! I saw him stuck to the bottom of her foot!” Armin cries wildly. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Jean stumble to the ground nearby some trees, but you can barely think about him now.

As soon as Armin finishes talking, though, Reiner is up in the air, heading straight for the nape of the titan’s neck.

“Reiner!” you shout, wondering what the fuck he thinks he’s doing now that Armin finally got the titan to pause.

And in one smooth motion, the titan has snatched Reiner up in its hand, staring at him as he squirms.  
And then it closes its hand over him, blood splattering around.

“No fucking way…” you croak, staring up at the blood dripping down the titan’s wrist. Moments pass, seconds where you’re in shock that one of the most skilled soldiers of the 104th has just been crushed…

But out of nowhere, said boy explodes out of the titan’s hands, its fingertips coming off along with your comrade as he drops to the ground nearby Armin. He picks Armin up and throws him under his arm, beginning to run.  
“I think we bought enough time!” he shouts, running towards you and Jean, who is also coming in your direction. “Let’s get away from her, quick! She doesn’t eat people, I don’t think she’ll come after us!”

You frown as you watch the titan. It slowly stands up, looks down at the four of you, looks at you like…

You shake your head.  
It couldn’t possibly.

“Look! The giant wench is running home with her tail between her legs!” Reiner says confidently.

The titan is running again. But…  
Your frown only deepens.

But it’s running towards the middle of the formation.

 

Twenty or so minutes later, the four of you are standing around by some trees, you having carefully dismounted from your horse with Jean’s help, and Reiner tending to Armin’s wounds.

“Damnit,” Jean says after blowing the whistle that’s supposed to get horses’ attention for about the fiftieth time. “Why won’t my horse come back?”  
“Maybe it’s dead,” you say.  
Jean shoots you a glare. “This isn’t the time to be a smartass. The reason we can’t get on with anything is because _your_ horse is all jittery.”  
“Hey!” you snap, frowning. “Don’t insult my horse.”

He is right, though. Apparently, the horse you’ve been riding (by the name of Moony) has always been picky about who’s on its back. You sort of think that Levi gave you this horse in an effort to keep you from going on the mission, hoping that it wouldn’t let you ride it, but you ended up actually liking the animal after a few scary tries, and it seems to like you back.

It just doesn’t really like anyone else, and that’s a big problem when you only have one other horse.

“We need to get moving,” Jean says, exasperated. He pushes his hair away from his face, sighing sharply. “The titan ran into the center of the formation, like Armin said. We can’t just stand around here loitering. There’s probably going to be other titans around soon, too.”  
“I could always ride out by myself and find someone with an extra horse,” you suggest.  
“Put yourself in danger without anyone else around?” Jean scoffs. “No way.”  
“Just saying,” you mutter, staring down at your hands.

“Don’t feel bad, Y/N.” Armin tells you from a few feet away. You look over at him, expecting his usual comforting smile, but he’s serious.  
“Right,” Reiner nods. He does smile. “You’re injured, too, so you might not even be able to ride with another person.”

“I guess,” you sigh.

“Damnit!” Jean repeats, looking conflicted. He starts blowing the whistle again, his other hand gripping onto the reins of both horses you do have.

A little more time passes where you can hear Reiner and Armin talking quietly to each other, and the whistle screeching to your other side.

Your lip trembles. _If my horse weren’t like this, we wouldn’t have this problem… why did it have to try and buck Jean off right away?_

“We have to decide now.” Reiner’s voice is firm, and he stands as you look over at him. “It’s a difficult choice, but it looks like one of the three of us is going to have to stay behind.” 

Jean looks behind him at the rest of you, but your eyes just snap back down to the ground, feeling immensely guilty. You wouldn’t feel right leaving any of these people behind. Maybe if you just sneak Armin onto the back of your horse after you get on, Moony won’t notice…

“Wait!” Armin stands up. “Let’s fire a smoke signal first. If the formation kept moving forward, squad 3 or 4 should be around by now.”  
“...Alright,” says Jean, sighing. He tugs Reiner’s horse closer to him and digs the signal gun and a flare out of the side bag. A few moments later, a purple shot of smoke flies into the air above you all. “That was an emergency signal. I doubt it’s enough to get our point across, though.” his voice is so obviously skeptical that you wince.

“We’ll only wait three minutes,” says Reiner. “By then, we need to choose who’ll-”  
“I’ll stay.” Armin cuts in. “But in return, I need you to report something. To Commander Erwin specifically, if possible.”  
“No, wait, Armin,” Jean starts. You look at the ground, teeth digging into your lower lip. Is he about to suggest that he’ll stay instead? “You can report it yourself. Someone is coming! And they’ve got two horses!”

Relief sweeping over you, your head whips around and you scramble to your feet, biting back a cry of pain as your ankle throbs. 

“It’s Christa!” you exclaim, a bright smile blooming on your lips as you quickly recognize the blonde girl. You laugh, clapping your hands. _Ymir was right all along- she really is wife material!_

“Guys! Are you okay?” said girl calls out as she approaches you four. She slows down as she gets near enough, and finally halts a few feet away.  
“Hey, is that my horse?” Jean laughs as the dark stallion whinnies and huffs contently. “Whoa, there, calm down, Buchwald!”

You chuckle to yourself, spirits lifted by how lighthearted the scene before you looks.

“He came racing my way, something must have really spooked him.” Christa says, looking concerned. “Did you guys fight a titan?”  
“You could say that,” you mumble to yourself, hobbling over and taking your own horse’s reins from Jean.  
“Armin!” Christa’s eyes are wide. “Are you okay? Your head!”  
“Yeah, more or less,” he says with a nod. 

“I’m surprised you came here voluntarily after seeing that smoke signal.” Reiner says, seeming impressed.  
Christa shrugs. “I happened to be nearby, plus I found Jean’s horse.”  
Reiner grins. “You have a way with horses, not to mention a remarkable sense of virtue. We owe you one.”  
“I’m just glad,” the girl responds, smiling. “I’m very glad that the worst didn’t happen to you guys.”

The boys around you stare at Christa in awe, looking dumbstruck, and also just dumb.

You roll your eyes at their behavior, and get up on your horse with some trouble, since clearly Jean is of no help in this state.

“Alright, lovebirds, let’s get a move on.”

They seem to snap out of it with your unamused tone.

“Right, there should be orders to retreat soon…” Jean says, nodding.

The three boys mount their horses and all of you check that everything is in order as Jean keeps talking.

“Still, though. Turning back not even an hour after leaving the walls… things are way grimmer than I thought. Plus, she’s headed for the lead command squad for some reason.”  
“She?” Christa asks as you all start moving.  
“It’s an it,” you say condescendingly, but Jean just ignores you, as all of you catch sight of green smoke signals shooting up in the distance.

“What the hell…” Jean mutters.  
“Looks like we’re changing direction and continuing the operation,” Armin says.  
“What?” Christa’s eyes go wide. “They’re not ordering a retreat?”  
“What is the Commander thinking?” Jean bites out. “This is crazy!”  
“All soldiers have the authority to decide if a mission can’t be carried out,” Reiner mutters, almost like he’s thinking to himself. “Have the signals not reached the command squad?”  
“It doesn’t matter if they know or not,” you cut in. Jean and Reiner look back at you, but you just sigh. “We’re soldiers. We follow orders. We have to do what they say.”  
“That’s right,” Armin nods. “We defer to their judgement.” he draws his signal gun and fires a green flare without hesitation.

You watch as the green smoke flies higher and higher into the air, craning your neck as you pass it to watch it dissipate, pieces of green dust floating around like they were never one thing in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quicker update this time, i hope it makes up for the crazy long wait last time :)  
> how many of you guys also read the snk manga? i did a few months ago (the basement reveal was just too tempting... lets not mention spoilers here though) 
> 
> thanks for reading and i hope you enjoy this chapter!


	24. twenty two - cost

You sit on the huge branch of one of the giant trees nearby Jean and Armin, eyes sweeping around constantly. You watch some of your other comrades for a while, worried about what they may have experienced out in the fray. Then you watch the expanse of territory in front of you.

It looks so huge from here- the land of Wall Maria, that is. And this is just a small part of the entire span of the land encased in the wall.  
These trees, too, are remarkable to you. You’re only half of the way up, but you’re still a hundred feet in the air, and looking down makes you feel dizzy.

A few feet away, you hear Jean and Armin talking, but decide not to listen in. Rather, you need to filter through your own thoughts first.  
The last hour has been one of the most confusing of your life.

That titan. The aberrant.  
No… the female titan. Armin had been sure that it’s not just a titan, and although you wanted to deny it, you just can’t when faced with the facts. It’s just plain true that the thing was intelligent in the same way that Eren is when he transforms into a titan. The way she had killed Captain Ness and Cis, but then left Armin alive a few minutes later…

Not only that, but the way she reacted when Armin implied that Eren is dead. The way she stopped itself from killing Jean, and paused like she had been thinking. Why? Why was she so interested in Eren?

And… and how did she even know that Armin was talking about Eren in the first place?

You frown, sighing. Looking back on it, Armin hadn’t said Eren’s name at all. All he said was “his friend” and “that suicidal bastard”. To those of you who know Eren, it’s obvious who that is. But how would a random person who can transform know?

Unless you both had the wrong idea, and she wasn’t looking for Eren. But it just seems way too strange, too coincidental. Not to mention how the titan went running for the center of the formation after encountering you four. The only thing is that you don’t know how she could have learned that Squad Levi and consequently Eren, is there. 

You shake your head, the uneasy feeling you’ve had all morning clinging to you. Something is weird. Something about this is very, very wrong.

“Five meter titan approaching!” 

Your head snaps over to the Captain in command of this section, and then out to the land you’d been watching before.

And there it is- a gangly, deformed looking titan with out of proportion limbs running toward the forest, its hands flailing. 

“God, that’s disturbing,” you hear who you think is Ymir mutter from the tree over to your right.

“Hey, guys,” you look to your left to find Jean staring at the titan, his face pale and greyish. “Our orders are to keep titans out of the forest, right?”

He then glances down, and you follow his gaze to the dozens of titans that have been steadily gathering up at the base of the trees, scratching hopelessly at the bark in an effort to reach you. It reminds you of that day in Trost- the way you’d hung on the wall, feeling the heat of the titans below you as they groaned just a few feet away.

“We don’t actually need to fight them,” Jean continues. “...Right?”

His expression is startling. It’s one of the few times where you’ve seen Jean look truly… afraid. 

“Only if they get this far up,” you sigh, twirling a twig in your fingers and avoiding his eyes.  
“Hey,” Jean says, accusingly. “Are you just going to sit there and twiddle your fingers?”  
“Yeah,” you shrug.  
“Tch.” you can practically hear the eye-roll in his voice. “If one gets close, I’m expecting you to kill it.”  
“Okay,” you agree without really thinking, glancing over at Jean. He frowns.  
“I didn’t really mean that. I’ll help you, obviously.”  
“What makes you think I need your help?” you say snottily on purpose, scrunching up your nose at him. If you’re annoying, he’ll probably feel better.  
But Jean just barely smiles at you, leaning against the trunk of the tree. “Maybe you don’t.”

 

About fifteen minutes later, you haven’t moved at all, sitting on the same branch, waiting around for any new orders and trying not to look down at the titans that are slowly crawling up certain trees with multiple soldiers on them. Just like on the wall in Trost, Armin is your lookout in terms of alerting you to move.

_Boom._

You stand up instantly, ignoring the slight pain in your ankle as you draw your blades. “What was that?”  
“It sounded like a canon,” Jean says, frowning and turning to face deeper into the woods. “But why would there be cannons in there?”

“Newbies! Don’t act until new orders are received.” the captain in charge of you all calls out.  
“Yes, sir,” you chorus back along with everyone in earshot.

“Y/N, you should come up here,” Armin says to you, gesturing towards the open branch just above Jean.  
You look down just briefly and see why he’s suggesting that- there’s one of those creepy, very mobile titans getting pretty close to you. Wordlessly, you fire your wires into the trunk a few feet up and pull yourself up to the branch with ease, turning towards the interior of the forest like Jean.

“Armin,” you say, frowning. The boy looks up at you, waiting for you to continue. “...Do you think… those explosions have anything to do with Eren?”  
“With Eren?” he repeats. You nod.  
“Yeah. Since earlier… well, maybe it’s nothing-”  
“No.” the boy nods firmly. “I think this definitely has to do with Eren. The female titan has got to be a shifter like him, and for some reason, she wants to get a hold of him. Chances are she’s in the forest by now, and all this noise could be related to that.”

“Hey, let’s all move.” Jean cuts in, using his chin to point at the same titan that was getting too close for comfort, doing so once again.  
“Geez,” you cringe. “That thing is getting fast.”

The three of you land on a different tree, you ending up on a higher branch once again.

“Yeah, the bastard’s got the hang of it,” Jean drawls, scowling at the titan. “It got even better at climbing.”  
“The scary thing about that is that it means they can learn,” Armin nods. “It’d be different for every titan, but still…”  
“As long as they don’t learn how to think,” you say, pursing your lips.  
Armin chuckles coldly. “We’d really be in trouble if every titan was like the female one we encountered.”

“Speaking of that,” says Jean. “They seem to be up to something in the forest, and I think I know what it is.” he turns towards the two of you, his expression dark. “They lured that female titan here to capture her. Or, more specifically, to capture the human inside. That was Commander Erwin’s goal from the very start.”

Your jaw drops. “Are you saying… this mission was never about a logistics base at all?”  
Jeans nods. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Think about it- we all had different copies of the formation plan. Only Squad Levi’s spot was different among the four of us. He must have wanted to keep Eren’s position a secret, because he knew that someone was going to come after him today.”

“But how could he have known that?” you frown. “It’s not like anyone besides the military itself tried to kill or even capture Eren after Trost.”  
“That I’m not sure about,” Jean shakes his head. “But there has to be a reason why the papers were changed for everyone. Someone from the Legion, or someone working as a spy for them, is involved.” he turns to Armin. “You think so too, right?”  
Armin nods. “Yeah. I think so too.”  
You sigh. “I agree. It’s just… hard to come to terms with. Especially considering how many people have died on this operation, not even knowing why.”

The titan in front of you all, braced in between two trees as it continues climbing, starts to struggle, its limbs shaking profusely.

“Do you think the Commander was wrong for doing that?” Armin asks. “Keeping it a secret from everyone? Allowing so many soldiers to die?”

The climbing titan loses its grip and crashes to the ground, steaming.

“He wasn’t in the right, I’ll tell you that.” Jean mutters. “If we’d been told that a titan has inside information, we’d have handled things differently. Your guys’ squad members, for example…”

The image of Captain Ness’s body splitting apart, blood flying in the air like splattered paint, replays in your mind, making you cringe.

“No, it wasn’t wrong.”

You look over at Armin with wide eyes. “What?”  
“How can you say that?” Jean asks, also seeming surprised. “Do you realize how many soldiers have needlessly died?”  
“In hindsight, it’s easy to say what should have been done.” Armin says, watching the squirming, trembling titan on the ground. “But no one can tell how things will turn out. Despite that, you still have to make a choice.”

He tilts his head. “The lives of a hundred soldiers, or the lives of everyone inside the walls. The commander chose. He chose to throw away the lives of a hundred of our comrades.”

“Armin…” you whisper, unsure of whether you feel sickened or completely understanding of what he’s saying. Ultimately, isn’t he right? None of you were faced with that choice. And even if you had been… could you really have risked the rest of humanity for the sake of your fellow soldiers?

He grits his teeth. “I don’t have a lot of experience in life yet, but I do know one thing. If there’s anyone who can bring about change, it’s someone who is capable of giving up what matters most. People who are capable of abandoning their humanity when forced to fight against monsters.” Armin’s brows draw together, and his fist clenches tight. “Those who can’t abandon anything… can’t change anything.”  
You look back down at the titan, which is beginning to start climbing the same two trees again.

Is that true?  
Can nothing ever change, if lives don’t have to be sacrificed? Is the cost of learning about the titans always going to be handing away people’s entire existence?

You chew on your bottom lip, looking down at Jean and Armin on the branch just slightly below you. What if those two somehow end up being one of the one hundred who had to die, one of these days? What if it’s Sasha, or Connie? Or even you?

Back in Trost, when all of you had to go out the second time… Marco had been one of those deaths. One of the deaths that just becomes a number to the government, but had scarred you forever. Would Marco staying alive have changed anything? Did his death change anything? Was his death worth the result of the operation in Trost? You never even got to say goodbye…  
You never even got to ask him… what were you going to ask him? Didn’t it have something to do with-

“ _Ah!_ ” you stumble, a fearful cry ripping from your throat as the tree you’re standing on starts shaking intensely. You press your hands against the bark to find purchase, eyes going wide as a blood curdling, deafening screech of what can be none other than a titan blares out around you.

It goes on for a while, howling and shrieking, sounding almost desperate. You can’t even find the confidence to look around, staring directly at the trunk in front of you in case anything weird has happened below. 

And then it stops.

The tree stops trembling, so you cautiously remove your hands and look over at Jean and Armin.

“What… was that?”

Jean looks up at you, his eyebrows drawn together in an expression of worry. “What else could it be, Y/N?”

Your teeth latch onto your bottom lip again. The female titan… screaming like that? Why? Is she just afraid of dying? Doesn’t she know they’re going to take her alive?

But your answer comes in a horrifying twist-  
Every single titan that had been crowding around you at the base of the trees begin running at full speed into the forest.

“What the…? They’re all rushing in at once!” Jean exclaims, drawing his blades.

“Cadets!” the captain nearby shouts, drawing his own swords. “Keep the titans from getting deeper in the forest! Kill them at any cost!”

You stare at him as he himself fires his wires off into the trees, swooping down immediately and going for a titan.

“They’re not…” you whisper, watching as the captain misses his dive, the titan speeding directly past him and not turning as they usually would. 

“Y/N! Snap out of it, we need to go!” Jean calls brusquely. You look down at him and find him looking nervously between you and the titans.

“Right,” you mutter, shaking off your previous thoughts and drawing your blades smoothly, jumping down onto the branch where Jean and Armin are standing. “Armin, you should wait here. You’re technically injured.”  
“No, I can come!” he exclaims, holding his swords up. “I’m fine, I swear!”  
“Just hang behind, you don’t need to fight if you don’t have to,” Jean says, gritting his teeth. “Let’s go. Y/N, let’s stick together.”  
“Sure.” you nod firmly, bouncing up and down a little to get the nerves out before you go out into the fray again. “We should watch out, though, because-”

“Wait a minute,” Armin cuts in, looking skyward. You frown, following his line of sight, and immediately tilt your own head in surprise. “Are those… blue flares?”  
“...What?” Jean frowns. “Is it all over? Already?”  
“What about the female titan?” you ask, confused. “Do you think they captured her?”  
“With all those titans running straight towards them?” Armin shakes his head. “I’m not so sure.”

“Cadets!”

You look to the side and find Nanaba, one of the nicest veteran members of the Legion that you know, landing on a nearby branch.

“Retreat to your horses and begin riding towards Karanes! That is an order directly from the Commander!”

“Yes, ma’am!” you all shout, saluting her quickly.

 

“If we’re withdrawing, does that mean it was a success?” Jean glances over at you from his horse, the scattered members of your previous segment of the formation riding alongside each other.  
“If it is, that means they might have found out who was inside the female titan,” Armin says, but he doesn’t look very positive.  
“Something about it feels weird,” you say softly, unsure if they even hear you. “I’ve had a weird feeling this whole morning.”  
“I guess your intuition is good,” Armin says. “You also figured that she might be going after Eren, earlier.”  
You look away. “It was just a feeling.”

“Still,” Jean frowns. “How did the Commander realize that she was going to come after us once Eren left the wall?”  
“I think it’s because the Colossal and Armored titans didn’t attack a second time in Trost,” Armin says, looking focused.  
“What do you mean?” you ask, wondering what Trost has to do with this.

“The Colossal titan went through the trouble of demolishing Trost’s front gate, but the Armored titan didn’t appear as it did in Shiganshina, to destroy the inner one. They didn’t even go after Eren when he sealed the hole. My guess is that something came up.”

“Like what?” Jean questions.

Your thoughts from earlier race through your mind once again.

_Armin hadn’t said Eren’s name at all. All he said was “his friend” and “that suicidal bastard”. To those of you who know Eren, it’s obvious who that is…_

“They were there,” you say, shaking your head. “The three people, who must be in control of those titans… they were there that day in Trost. They got distracted by Eren’s transformation, and couldn’t destroy the inner gate.”  
Armin nods. “That’s also what I think. People who were present… those were the ones who were also responsible for Shiganshina.”

_Crack!_

Your head whips around immediately at the familiar sound. That terrible, terrible sound.

“What was that?” someone nearby asks. You look over and recognize them as one of the veterans.

“Jean! Armin!” you exclaim. “Do you think that was Eren?”  
Armin looks back frantically. “I- I don’t know! Why would he transform now?”  
“No,” Jean mutters darkly. “You two were right. We shouldn’t have ever been sure.”

_Crack!_

Another, lower, more brutal, carnal roar rings out, sounding like it’s right next to you even from here.

“Eren…” you whisper, looking over your shoulder. “They’re going to fight, aren’t they? As titans?”  
“I guess so,” Armin mumbles, his blue eyes wide.  
“Why are we riding away?” your voice trembles and you shake your head wildly. “We should be going back there, we- we should be protecting him!”  
“Don’t be an idiot!” Jean snaps, shooting you a harsh look. “You say it all the time: we’re soldiers, and we have to follow orders! Eren will be fine, Corporal Levi will protect him, and God knows Mikasa will probably go after him too!”

You glance back one more time, as the echoing roar continues. “...I hope you’re right.”

 

“Hey.”

With a grunt, you set the body you’d hauled over into the back of the wagon, and look up at Jean, unable to do anything other than just stare at him blankly.

Last time, you’d gotten out of cleaning up the corpses of the deceased because you’d been in the hospital. But this time, you’re just a strong, able-bodied soldier, who is totally capable of helping out.

Jean’s face is stony. “Captain Hange talked to me just now. She saw you limping and wanted me to tell you to sit in the wagon for the injured on the ride back. She said you can keep an eye on Eren, too.”  
“What?” you frown. “I don’t need to do that. There are people in worse condition than me.”  
“There’s a lot more dead than there are wounded, Y/N.” Jean says, glancing behind you at the wagon full of bodies. “There’s really nobody but you and Eren.”  
“I’m not even injured,” you mutter bitterly. “This probably came from Levi.”  
“The Corporal?” Jean looks confused. “Why him?”  
You cringe. “Right, I haven’t told you…”  
“What-”  
“Fine, anyway.” you throw down the rag you’d been using to wipe your hands clean. “Is there some water around here?”  
Jean gives you a skeptical look, but points to the left. “Over there.”  
“Thanks,” you say, and give him a nod of finality, making to leave.

“Wait, Y/N.” Jean says, so you stop, looking over your shoulder at him.  
“Yeah?”  
He stares at you for a few seconds, then glances away, eyes landing on the bodies in front of him instead. “Nevermind.”  
“...Okay,” you mumble, turning away.

 

“I guess you’re on Levi’s level, now.” you smile lightly at Mikasa as she stands beside the wagon where you’re sitting with your leg propped up, your right boot sitting on the ground next to you. “If you helped him get Eren back.”

“He did most of the work,” she replies quietly, still staring at Eren. 

His face looks peaceful now that he’s asleep- or more truthfully, passed out. 

“Your ankle doesn’t look great, Y/N.” Mikasa’s eyes shift to look at you. “You probably shouldn’t have come.”  
“Probably,” you admit, shrugging. “But we can never know what would have happened, if one person is there, or not. Maybe if I had stayed back, Armin would have been abandoned in the field. Or maybe, Reiner, Jean, and Armin would have been able to escape more quickly without me.”  
Mikasa hums. “I guess that’s true.”

“Soldiers!”

Both you and Mikasa look to the side as Commander Erwin rides through the formation. 

“Mount your horses! We leave now!”

 

Your hands shake even as they’re pressed against the ground, looking blurry in your spotty vision as you retch again, nothing coming up anymore but the aggressive sound of your stomach dry heaving.  
You whimper as your body finally seems to settle and sit back on your knees, weakly wiping away the tears gathering up at the corners of your eyes with the back of your hand. 

_“What are they doing?” you grip the wood of the wagon as you stare in pure horror. Bodies… dozens of bodies… being thrown off the end of the formation like trash._  
_“Y/N, don’t look!” Mikasa calls to you, sounding far away._  
_One of the wrapped up corpses opens up slightly, shiny ginger hair and pale, freckled skin poking through._

Suddenly, the tears come on even stronger, and you’re sobbing on the ground next to your own vomit.

_But when you’re about to head back into class from lunch, a bright-looking redhead pops into the classroom as people are starting to file into their seats, talking quietly with Captain Ness._  
_“Hi, I’m Petra Ral,” she tells you, extending her hand._  
_“Sorry if this sounds weird, but I was pretty excited to come get you today,” she chuckles abashedly. “I never get to hang out with other girls.”_

“Fuck,” you whisper, gasping to try and pull yourself together. There are other people throwing up and crying, but it’s still embarrassing to you. “Fuck, shit…”

“Y/N.”

“Shit, Jean, don’t even look at me,” you mutter, drawing your trembling hands up to your face to cover it. 

You hear the boy sigh and then the ruffling sound of clothes as he sits down next to you, his arm coming up to rest over your shoulders. He pulls you gently into his chest so that your head is tilted against the crook of his neck as you try to get control over your tears.

“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice barely a hum.  
“What for?” you manage to croak out, still rubbing profusely at your sore eyes.  
Jean sighs. “How fucked up all of this is.”

You can’t even answer- or maybe it’s that you don’t want to. You just press your face into the fabric of Jean’s cloak and shut your eyes tight, his other hand reaching to hold yours. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, his fingers lacing through yours. 

 

You walk through the gate of Karanes on foot, still clutching Jean’s hand. Whether he’s just playing strong or really is keeping himself together, holding onto him helps you feel more like a real person and less like a ghost. 

The people in the city talk and talk, about taxes and food and wasting time. They look at your grim expressions and your grey faces and your bloodstained clothes and mutter to themselves how useless you are. They point out how many people that were there this morning aren’t here now, and they shake their heads, as if it’s it the fault of those who died that they’re dead.

Through the sound of footsteps and chatter, Eren’s choked sobbing is clear to your ears, and you’ve never felt more hopeless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i'm going to try and make a once-a-week schedule for this fic from now going forward!  
> as for this chapter its pretty sad but we've got some quality jean content *chef kiss* and more coming up
> 
> i hope you all enjoy, and since this fic has almost hit 1500 notes, i will preemptively thank everyone for that awesome achievement as well :)  
> thank you for reading!!


	25. twenty three - her name

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Jean asks through the food he’s chewing. You give him a half-hearted dirty look for the lack of manners, but end up just sighing, setting down your piece of bread.

“Jean,” you say, front teeth latching onto your lower lip. “Did I ever mention anything I was planning to ask Marco about?”  
“What?” he reels back, the calm tone that’d been in his voice before completely disappearing as he stares at you in shock. “Why… why are you asking me that?”

You chew on your lip, brows drawing together. “I have this weird feeling. I have this feeling that it was important for some reason. There’s something that’s not connecting in my head right now.”

Jean doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, so you turn to look at him, grabbing his hand.

“Listen,” you say, leaning forward into his personal space. His eyes are wide. “I need you to think really hard. It was something I meant to ask him about. It couldn’t have been something that happened over a year ago.”

“I just…” Jean shakes his head in exasperation. “I just don’t understand how that’s important right now.”  
“Jean, just think!” you snap, frustration bubbling up inside you. “I remembered it… I thought about it just a few weeks ago, I’m sure of it!”  
He shakes his head again. “I- I don’t know, Y/N, I know you said you had to ask him something a few times, but you never told me what it was about.”

You groan, hand slipping away from Jean’s so you can rest press the heels of your palms against your eyes in agitation, slumping over onto the table.

“Why are you thinking of it now?” Jean asks. You get ready to snap at him again, but he keeps going quickly. “Just- think about it, okay? What made you remember Marco and this thing you had to ask him?”

“I don’t know…” you mutter. “I was thinking about his death when Armin was talking about the sacrifice of 100 soldiers…”  
“What about before that?” Jean pushes. “Before yesterday, the last time you thought about the thing you were going to ask him, not just Marco himself.”  
“...When you told me he’s dead,” your voice comes out as a croaky whisper, and you press into your eyes harder, seeing stars against the black of your closed lids.

Jean just sighs.

You hear him go back to eating breakfast, but you can’t shake off this nagging feeling. That thing you had to ask Marco… you keep thinking about it for a reason. If it hadn’t been important somehow, if it hadn’t been relevant, you would have forgotten about it. Or even, you would have remembered super easily. 

The last time you saw Marco… it was when you went back into the fray of things in Trost to save Jean. The two of you had been out in the middle of the street, you were running around and shouting at a titan while Jean changed his gear out-

You gasp, sitting up dropping your hands to the table.

_“Huh?” With that exact thought in mind, you can’t stop the small sound of confusion from passing your lips as you check out the scabbards. On the left one, even though it’s tucked horizontally into the velvet of the case, you catch sight of a large, deep nick on the edge. For some reason, this stands out a lot to you… you just can’t remember why._

Marco.

His gear.

_Your eyebrows lift slightly as you see a pretty major nick on the edge of one of the scabbards- it looks fairly deep in comparison to the surface scratches most of the cadets’ gear have. You’ll have to ask Marco what happened sometime.  
“Y/N?” Jean’s voice sounds distant in your ears, even though he’s sitting right next to you._

“His gear…” you whisper, the image of Marco on that day in Trost flashing in your mind, suddenly clear as day. 

He’d swung down, right in front of the titan’s face, his left side towards you. And there… there it was. 

That nick on the edge of his scabbard.

The very same one you’d noticed months ago when you were doing gear maintenance with Eren.  
The very same one you’d noticed one month ago when Annie stood in front of you and handed in her gear for the Garrison to inspect.

Your eyes dart around the mess hall, finally landing on the back Armin’s head, obvious by the bandages still wrapped in and out of his flaxen hair.

Without another word to Jean, you stand, pushing away from the table and walking with purpose, as fast as possible, over to Armin’s table, where he’s sitting with Mikasa, Eren being gone in the infirmary to rest.

“Wait, Y/N-!” you vaguely hear Jean come after you, his footsteps sounding heavy as they stop behind you once you’re standing in front of Armin.

You stare at the boy as he stares back up at you, unable to even look at Mikasa although you can feel her eyes on you. 

“Armin,” you say, your voice weak. “I need to talk to you.”  
He gives you a strange look. Almost a frown, but almost knowing. Almost… aware.

“...Alright,” he says, standing. “Let’s talk.”

 

Your fingers tap nervously against your leg as soon as you sit down in the dark room, lit up only by the weak golden glow of a few lamps scattered around. 

“We’ll do it the day after tomorrow, while passing through Stohess district on the way to the capital. This will be our first and last chance at her.”

You look at Commander Erwin out of the corner of your eye, still a little intimidated that you’re sitting right next to him, even though you just spent the entire afternoon explaining to him why you think what you do about the female titan. You hadn’t been sure if you wanted to bring it up to anyone important, but after talking with Armin, Mikasa, and Jean about it, you all came to the conclusion that it was now or never.

Either you catch her now, or you risk the end of humanity itself.

“Once on the other side, the government will take custody of Eren and we’ll have difficulty investigating those bent on destroying the walls. Both of which will foster humankind’s destruction.”

Your eyes land on Eren, sitting across from the Commander. His eyebrows are drawn together in total focus- clearly a little confused that somehow all of his friends knew about this ahead of time, but also intrigued.

You glance away, not wanting to see his reaction when he finds out.

“We have to bet everything on this operation,” Commander Erwin says firmly. “The plan is this:”

He points to the sketched outlines on the map of Stohess in front of him, following along them as he talks.

“While passing through Stohess, we use Eren as bait to lure the target into this underground passage. Given the target’s size and strength, if we can get her as far down as possible, we should be able to immobilize her titan form. But in the event that she transforms before that, it’ll be up to you, Eren.”

The Commander’s ice blue eyes set onto Eren, looking neither merciful nor merciless. 

“Yes, sir!” Eren says, nodding fiercely. “Are we sure that the target is in Stohess, then?”  
“Yes,” the Commander replies. “The target is a member of the Military Police.”  
“Military Police?” Eren repeats back, frowning. You look down at the table.

“It was Armin and Y/N who identified her.” Commander Erwin says. You immediately feel Eren’s eyes flash to you, but still don’t look at him. “We believe that she killed the two titans taken into captivity after Trost… and that she may have trained with you in the 104th Cadet Corps.”

Eren gasps- you can hear it, and you can hear the shock and desperation in his voice as he quickly responds. “W-what? Hold on… the 104th?”

Your teeth latch onto your lower lip as the Commander opens his mouth the speak again.

“The name of the girl we believe to be the female titan is Annie Leonhart.”

The room suddenly feels so much darker.

You have yet to say those words out loud. Earlier, when the four of you went to speak with Commander Erwin, Armin had explained pretty much everything. You backed him up on the part about Marco’s gear, as well as vouching for how she knew Eren’s nickname. But you hadn’t ever said that the female titan… is Annie.

“...Annie’s the female titan?!” Eren exclaims. “What… what makes you think that? Armin? Y/N?”

You glance up at Armin, giving him a subtle nod.

“The female titan knew what you looked like from the start,” Armin says, his voice quiet. “Plus, she reacted to your nickname, ‘suicidal bastard’, something only our classmates would know. The biggest reason, though, is that I believe she killed Sawney and Bean.”

“How do you know that?” Eren questions, sounding defensive already.  
“Killing them would have required real skills, so she would have used the gear she was used to.”  
Eren shakes his head minutely. “Yeah, but they held that gear inspection, Annie’s was fine-”  
“She had Marco’s gear.” you cut in, finally looking up to match Eren’s eyes. His gaze snaps to yours, green eyes wide.  
“What?” he looks at you with disbelief. “What are you saying? What’s Marco got to do with this? Maybe you just saw wrong!”  
“Eren,” you say, looking back down at the table. “Remember when we did maintenance on everyone’s gear together? It was about eight or nine months ago.”  
“Yeah, but-”  
“Marco’s gear was the last one I checked.” you clench your first, the image of the nicked scabbard bright in your memories. “There was a dent on his scabbard, in an unusual place. I meant to ask him about it but never got the chance. And then I saw that same dent when Annie brought up her gear during that inspection.”  
“Y/N’s right, I also recognized it-” Armin is cut off by the low, gravelly voice at the other end of the table.

“Alright, we got it,” Levi looks across the table, his grey eyes half hidden by drooping lids. “Any other evidence to share?”  
“No, sir.” Armin replies.  
“Personally, I think Annie and the female titan look alike.” Mikasa adds, which you cringe at, expecting the reaction that Eren has instantly.

He stands, fists clenched. “Huh? Are you crazy?! What kind of evidence even is all this-”

“So basically, we’re going after her with no proof.” Levi interrupts.  
“Without proof?” Eren repeats, his voice trembling. “You can’t be serious. Why? What if it isn’t Annie?”  
“If it isn’t Annie, then she’ll be cleared of suspicion.” Mikasa deadpans.  
“If it isn’t her, then I’ll feel bad for causing her trouble.” Armin says, nodding to himself. “But Eren, if we do nothing, the government will make a sacrificial victim out of you!”

Eren grits his teeth and whips away. “You guys are crazy… distrusting Annie like this…”

“Eren,” Mikasa says, her voice level and calm as always. “Does this talk about Annie ring any bells? You fought hand to hand with the female titan. Did you see her do anything that only Annie does?” she pauses, and you take the opportunity to watch Eren’s face- watch how he’s staring at the ground. “You know, don’t you? You know it’s her.”

Eren doesn’t reply.

Commander Erwin sighs. “In any case, we will proceed under the assumption that Annie Leonhart is the female titan. There will be a final briefing on the plan tomorrow, but keep this under wraps until then. There’s no need to spread information on the female titan to the rest of the Corps.” 

With that, he stands, wiping his hands off on his pants, and takes the copy of the plan off the table in front of him. “You’re all dismissed.”

“Yes, sir.” everyone but Levi and Eren salute the Commander, and then Levi also stands to join Erwin as they leave. Levi sends you one last glance over the shoulder before he walks out.

Finally, Eren falls into his chair again, still staring off into space.

“I’m going to bed.” Jean announces, and stands. You look over at him and he meets your gaze. “Wanna walk with me?”  
You shake your head. “Go ahead.”  
Jean nods, then looks to Armin and Mikasa. “Either of you?”  
“I’ll come,” Armin says, also standing. He gives you and Mikasa both a look that says explicitly ‘keep on an eye on him’ as he gestures with his chin to Eren. He then places a hand on his friend’s shoulder, even though the other boy doesn’t react. “Eren. I swear it’s not just a guess.”

Once again, Eren doesn’t reply, so Jean and Armin leave with just another goodbye to you and Mikasa.

“Eren,” Mikasa prompts again once it’s just the three of you at the table. “Please take it from Y/N, at least. She wouldn’t lie to you.”  
You watch Eren carefully, wondering if he’ll snap at you again like he did before.

“...How can you be so sure?” he speaks eventually, his voice croaky. “There’s not even any proof.”  
“What kind of proof do you want, Eren?” you say, sounding sharper than you intended. He glances up at you from under his lashes, looking despondent. You sigh. “I saw everything. I know I didn’t see wrong. Is that not enough for you?”

Eren looks away, his jaw clenching.

You tilt your head, feeling a little annoyed for some reason. “Why don’t you want to believe that it’s her? I didn’t realize you were so close with Annie.”

He scoffs, fist tightening on top of the table. “It’s not about that. She’s our classmate. Who can you trust if you can’t even trust people you trained with for three years?”  
“You don’t have to lecture me and Mikasa on that, we slept in the same room as her for those three years.” you say bitterly. 

Eren is quiet once again.

“Y/N,” Mikasa speaks up again. You look over at her, finding her eyes a little cloudy and dark. She stands up. “Let’s go.”  
You nod, also standing. “Yeah.”  
“Goodnight, Eren,” she calls behind her as the two of you leave. The last thing you see before you close the door is Eren’s viridian eyes dashed in gold, looking up at you until the last sliver of light disappears.

 

“You really think it’s her, Y/N?” Sasha asks, far more solemn than she typically is. “You’re really sure?”

You sigh, setting down your spoon and looking around at the table of your friends- all of you are sitting together for the final dinner before you depart tomorrow morning. Your eyes sweep over Jean to your right, Mikasa, Christa and Ymir, Armin to their side, Reiner and Bertholdt, Connie next to Sasha, and Sasha next to you. The only one who feels separate from the rest of you is Eren, sitting at the edge of the table- technically with you all but not participating in anything.

“I’m so sure that I’d bet my life on it,” you reply, maintaining a blank expression. “Armin and I both thought the same thing independently of each other. If that doesn’t speak for itself, I don’t know what does.”

Eren glances over at you, but you don’t match his eyes. 

“So then, Annie was the one who killed all those people…” Connie sighs sharply. “Shit, it’s just… I’m not saying I don’t believe you guys, because I do, but it’s just hard to even fathom!”  
You nod, looking down at your bowl. “I know. I didn’t want to believe it at first either.”  
“It really does seem crazy, until you start thinking it through.” Armin says. “I just don’t see another person that fits everything necessary like Annie.”

“I’m finished eating,” Eren announces at the tail end of Armin’s words, standing with his tray in his hands. “I’m going to sleep.”

Your eyes follow him as he steps over the bench of the table and walks away smoothly, not looking back even once. 

“He’s not convinced, huh?” Reiner comments.  
Mikasa stands. “I’ll follow him-”  
“You probably shouldn’t.” Armin cuts in, looking at her sympathetically. “You know he gets ticked off when you try to check on him, and he’s already a little bit on edge.”  
Mikasa bites her lip, but ultimately sits back down, apparently judging that Armin is most likely right about that.

“Someone should check up on him, though,” Connie muses, frowning. “The kid looks seriously distressed.”  
“...Armin?” suggests Jean, gesturing with his spoon at the boy.  
The blond shakes his head. “Eren definitely doesn’t want to talk to me right now. He thinks I’m the one that started all of this.”  
“Connie, you should go.” Reiner says, which Connie immediately starts sputtering at. “What? _You_ proposed it!”  
“H-hey, listen,” Connie starts accusingly. “I just said it, but that doesn’t mean I’d be any good at comforting Eren. If that’s how you feel, why don’t you go?”  
Reiner’s eyes go wide. “B-because-!”  
“I think Y/N should talk to Eren.” Christa says, speaking up to the whole group for the first time. Your eyes snap to her, shocked.  
“What? Why me?”

Christa just smiles at you. “You know that Eren really trusts you, right Y/N? He respects you, too. I think he’d listen if just the two of you talked about it.”  
Your jaw drops. “But… like Armin said, I also helped bring the Annie idea up, and Eren-”  
“But he doesn’t see it that way,” Christa continues. “Eren probably sees you as an accomplice of the whole thing, like Mikasa and Jean. Plus, he really lik- _oof!_ ” Ymir elbows Christa with no subtlety, which only serves to confuse you more.

“Umm…” you trail off, glancing around at everyone again hesitantly. “I guess I can, then…”

Weirdly, you feel Jean bristle slightly beside you. “Why do you guys think Eren is some damsel in distress? It’s not like Annie was his girlfriend or anything. He shouldn’t need Y/N to go comfort him, or whatever.”

You look over at him in surprise. “Jean, you know Eren, he’s kind of emotional.”  
“So he should learn to get his emotions together himself,” Jean retorts.  
You frown at him, and stand out of spite. “Fine. Since you made such a big deal about it, I really will go.”  
“W-what?” Jean stammers, but you’ve already pushed your half-finished bowl of soup over to Sasha and stepped over the bench.

“See you guys in the morning,” you say to the group as a whole. “Goodnight.”

Everyone choruses back variations of goodnight, and you smile with a wave, then pivoting to walk out of the mess hall to catch up to Eren.

 

He only left a couple of minutes before you, so it’s no surprise when you find Eren just entering the castle as you turn a corner down the path that leads to the doors. You look down at your wrapped up ankle and huff at it, annoyed that it’s always causing you these issues. Regardless, you start walking as quickly as you can (without putting too much weight on your right foot) towards the same doors Eren went through.

“Eren!” you project his name through the halls, hoping he’ll stop once he hears you. But every corner you turn, he’s turning the one up ahead, and your foot slows you down even more.

“Eren!” you call as he finally seems to stop. He doesn’t even spare you a glance, though, and calmly unlocks the door he’s standing in front of, closing it behind him right as you get close enough to have stuck your fingers in just a second prior. “Eren.” you repeat, jiggling the doorknob. “Open the door.”

He doesn’t reply.

“I’m not here to lecture you,” you talk through the wood. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

A lengthy enough amount of time goes by before you sigh, dropping your forehead against the wood. “Eren. Listen… I get why it’s hard for you to comprehend it. For God’s sake, I woke the girl up almost every day for three years… it’s probably why my brain wouldn’t make the connection for so long.” your fists clench at your sides. “But regardless of the camaraderie we felt towards Annie, she must not have felt the same.”

You wait to see if he’ll reply, but when he doesn’t, you go on, your voice becoming quieter.

“Anyway, I hope you’re not beating yourself up over the mission failing. You couldn’t have known what would happen. But just think… even if you can’t bring yourself to believe that the female titan is Annie, just think of it as being a chance. A chance that you can avenge everyone that died…” you drift off, thinking of Petra’s grey skin dabbled in blood that you’d seen for that horrifying split second. “I… I know you can do it, Eren. Even if you don’t believe in yourself, I believe in you.”

You bite your lip, waiting again, but nothing but silence meets your ears.

You sigh. “I hope that you can believe in me, too.”

 

You can’t help the grin stretching across your cheeks as soon as Jean steps into the carriage with you, an extremely miffed expression across every inch of his face. 

“Wow, you look… ravishing,” you say, stifling your chuckles behind your palm.  
He shoots you a deadly glare. “You don’t even want to know how pissed off I am that I got dragged into this part of the plan.”  
Unable to help it, you giggle, the image of Jean with the shaggy brown wig on dressed up in Eren-esque clothes too entertaining to ignore. “I’m sorry… it’s just…” you break into chuckles again, covering your whole face in shame.

Jean flushes at your reaction, sitting down across from you and looking out the window to avoid looking at you. He sneaks a glance, though, as you start to compose yourself once the wheels start rolling. Your eyes are scrunched up, the corners of your lips pulled tight in a joyful smile, and your hands sweep across your skin to brush away hair. 

Geez… when did you start looking like that? He almost says it, you look so pretty. _You should smile more._

You finally settle down, dropping your hands to your lap as the carriage sets its pace. 

“Are you excited?” you ask, leaning forward. “You get to do some acting.”  
Jean scoffs. “To pretend to be that suicidal idiot for a whole day? Yeah, I’m really pumped.”  
You roll your eyes, still smiling. “Whatever. I like it. I’m enjoying the view.”  
“Hey!” he snaps. “Don’t compliment me when I’m dressed as another man.”  
“That’s the only time I’m complimenting you.” you tease. “You better start a wig collection.”  
“Pfft, whatever…”

You pass a little while in silence, so you take to looking out the window, watching the scenery of Wall Rose roll by. Despite having lived above ground for three years now, you’ve seen very little of the territory humanity has. The expedition into Wall Maria was easily the most you’ve seen in one day- after all, you lived in the training camp and the few times you left were mostly to go to the town nearby, the mountains, or Trost. The last time you’d taken a long trip like this before the expedition was when the cart brought you from Ehrmich to training camp in the first place.

“Are you nervous?”

Jean’s voice draws you back to the present, and your eyes slide over to him. “About today?”  
He nods. “Since you’re not fighting.”  
You sigh. “Yeah, I guess, because of that. You know I don’t like not being a part of things.”  
Jean rolls his eyes. “Oh, believe me, I know.”  
“Anyway, I really hope this all goes well…” you sigh, leaning your head on the side of the carriage. “Levi can’t even help out.”  
“Mikasa’s with Eren, so it should be fine.” Jean replies, but he doesn’t sound totally confident. “Listen, at least we’ll be somewhere where it’s hard for her to escape and it’s easy for us to maneuver.”  
“That’s true,” you nod. 

A few more minutes go by where neither of you talk, until Jean breaks the silence, his voice heavy.

“Hey, Y/N… this means Annie killed Marco, right?”

Startled, you sit up away from the window of the carriage, looking at Jean. He’s watching his hands as his fingers tug on each other. 

“I mean… maybe she just took his gear after he died?” you suggest, hoping that it’s true. 

For some reason, Annie killing as many soldiers as she did while she was the female titan doesn’t bother you anywhere near as much the idea of her taking your close friend’s gear away from him and leaving him for dead does. 

“Half his body was missing when I found him,” Jean says, making you gasp immediately. He’d never said that before. “So how was his gear perfectly intact?”

You stare at him, watching his features become more and more sullen. “I… Jean…”

“I just keep thinking about it,” he sighs, his head tilting back against the plush wall of the carriage. “I couldn’t even sleep last night. She must have killed him in cold blood. She must have taken his gear from him while he was alive, and left him to get eaten by a titan. And nobody even saw it happen.”

You sigh, too. “But… maybe he was unconscious, Jean. Marco was twice the size of Annie. It doesn’t make it better, but maybe-”  
“I’ll ask her,” he cuts in, tone much colder than before. “When Mikasa cuts her out of that giant fucking titan body, I’ll ask her if she murdered my best friend. I’ll ask her if getting rid of two titans we kept just for research was worth murdering Marco for.”

You bite your lip, frowning. “...Okay. We’ll ask her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly early chapter update!!! hope u guys like this one, i hope it's not too short!!  
> do yall remember back in the day when eren/annie was like a major ship. i was SO against it hahaha  
> please tell me what you think as always! pls enjoy~
> 
> edit: i just thought of this and im really curious what you guys think so if you want to pls take this poll and tell me which pairing you prefer within this fic~  
> http://www.strawpoll.me/17617757


	26. twenty four - to be kind

You pass through the gate of Stohess at about midday, the small faces of Military Police soldiers looking down at you from the top of the wall. You wonder what they think of you, of the Survey Corps. If they really do think that Eren is someone they should kill.

They weren’t there when he saved your life.

They didn’t see him save Trost like you did.

You peek outside the window, having closed curtains over them before approaching the wall.

“Are we getting close?” Jean asks, leaning forward.  
You nod, pulling the curtain closed again. “Yeah, looks like we’re almost there.”  
Jean sighs, rubbing his palms over his eyes, clearly nervous. “What if they figure it out? They’ll kill me too!”  
“No way,” you shake your head. “Commander Erwin would take the fall for you.”  
He gives you a look of disbelief. “That man knows how important he is. Somehow I can’t see him taking the blame for a lowly cadet.”  
“But you can just argue that you were following orders. Case closed.”  
Jean groans. “Let’s not talk about this like it’s actually going to happen.”  
You shrug, leaning back against the cushioned seat. “You brought it up.”

The road in the city is fairly bumpy and extremely uncomfortable- it reminds you a lot of that day three years ago when you’d first left Ehrmich. It’s a shame that Annie ended up being stationed here instead of there. You’d probably still know your way around the place if you had to.

Slowly, the carriage comes to a rocky stop. You peek outside the window again and see a thumbs up coming out of the window from carriage ahead of you, where Levi and Commander Erwin are riding. 

You slide the curtain shut and throw your hood over your head, standing up. “Come on.”

Jean nods, his face shiny with anxious sweat, and puts his own hood over his head as well. The idea is that if all of you look the same, anyone watching won’t be able to prove that a switch in personnel went on, or that it involved Eren escaping.

You go out first, opening the door and hopping down carefully onto your left foot, looking around for anyone in the area as you cautiously pull a handgun from your belt. Two soldiers hop down from the carriage behind you, sending you a sharp nod. 

You turn and gesture to Jean to come down, and let him go ahead of you as you run as quickly as you’re able to (very awkwardly) towards the other carriage, three figures flying down the steps of that one in a flash of green raincoats.

They stop momentarily in front of you and the other two soldiers- Eren, Mikasa, and Armin.

“All clear?” Armin asks, glancing around with a furrowed brow.  
“Clear,” you say, positioned to the right. The other soldiers, facing each other direction, repeat the same word.  
“Move out, cadets,” the soldier in charge commands. You look over your shoulder momentarily, meeting eyes with Eren for just a second. 

And then they’re gone.

“Inside, quickly, cadets!” one of the soldiers pushes Jean up the stair of the carriage. You look back again to check your surroundings and follow him up, one of the other soldiers following you and the other heading back to your first carriage.

The door shuts and you get moving again just a few seconds later.

“If you think about it, won’t they notice that we look different, too?” you wonder aloud, checking out the veteran soldier that’s supposed to be posing as Armin. You’re pretty sure his name is Jonas Heinz.  
“They only looked at Jaeger,” he says, shrugging. “And I doubt they’ll check again. This is all for superstition’s sake anyway.”  
You hum.

Jean breathes out a heavy rush of air, cracking his knuckles.

“Are you gonna pass out?” you ask, and he immediately flushes.  
“No!” he exclaims.  
Heinz laughs openly.  
“Whatever you say, Kirschtein…” you say in a sing-song voice, letting your head rest against the wall of the carriage once again.

 

_Crack!_

Not even fifteen minutes have passed before you hear the telltale booming sound of a titan transformation.

The three of you in the carriage glance around at each other but nobody says anything, and soon after, you come to a stop.

You open up the curtains on your side and see a bunch of military police standing around. “This better go well. We’re totally surrounded if they decide we’re committing treason.”

“There’s a bigger threat going on than treason,” Heinz says, sitting up. “That was most likely the female titan transforming, not Eren.”  
“You’re probably right,” you bite your lip. “Should we get out?”  
“Wait,” Heinz holds up a hand. “Wait for the Commander.”

The three of you watch through the window as the door of the carriage on the other side of the street opens and out steps Commander Erwin and Levi.

“Can we go now?” Jean asks, seeming impatient.  
“Yeah, go ahead.”

Jean immediately throws open the door and jumps out, you following right behind, and Heinz coming out behind you. 

“Halt!” the military police soldier in front of you grabs Jean aggressively. “Stop right there, Jaeger!”  
“Screw this, I’m done playing dress up!” Jean growls, yanking off the wig and throwing it on the ground. The soldier gasps, letting go of him. “Never call me that name again, you halfwit!”

Without another word, he sprints off towards the Commander, Heinz calmly walking along in the same direction. You reluctantly trail behind the two of them, only catching the tail end of the conversation.

“Bravado is fine and all that, but just remember to stay alive,” Levi says to Jean.  
“Yes, sir!” he responds, tightening his cloak over his clothes.  
“You go along too, Lieutenant Heinz,” Commander Erwin nods to Heinz, who salutes him quickly. “Cadet L/N, stay here.”  
“Yes, sir,” you say, also reluctant.

Heinz moves out immediately, but Jean hesitates, looking down at you. He looks like he wants to say something, but the presence of all the people around is too hard to ignore, so he just nods sharply at you and then pivots around, his cloak whipping behind him.

“What the hell is going on?” someone who you think might be Commander Nile of the MPs exclaims. 

“Commander!” a soldier wearing the wings of freedom lands on the ground nearby and sets an equipment case on the ground.  
“Good work,” Erwin says, quickly hooking the gear onto the straps of his uniform.  
“Thank you, sir!”

“Hold on, Erwin!” Commander Nile shouts, looking red in the face, but Commander Erwin just ignores him.  
“All able-bodied soldiers, follow me!” he calls. “We’re going to rendezvous with the capture squad!”

He begins to walk forward with the utmost calm, but is stopped with a gun to the face by Nile. “Erwin, stop!”

Suddenly, there’s five other soldiers all with their rifles pointed in your direction.

“What the hell…” you mutter under your breath.  
“Watch your language, brat.” Levi says from next to you.

“You’re committing a clear act of treason against the government!” Nile shouts gruffly.

“Nile,” Levi speaks up, looking bored. “Are you as much of a dimwit as you look? You don’t seem to understand what’s happening here.”  
“Remove your gear, Erwin!” the other commander says, willfully ignoring Levi’s harsh words.  
“I apologize,” Commander Erwin says, bowing his head ever so slightly. “I can’t do that.”  
Nile bristles, getting more up in his face. “This isn’t a joke-!”

_CRACK!_

You almost jump at the thunderous sound that strikes in your ears, everything suddenly shrouded in a gold-green light coming from a pyre of lightning across the city. 

“H-huh?! Now what?” Nile exclaims, looking back over his shoulder at the source of the light.

“I guess that was Eren.” Levi hums.  
“Are you sure I can’t go help out? They could use me, you know.” you rub your arm nervously as you start to feel the rumblings of what must be Eren and Annie running around in titan form. You can’t even stand up on your tip-toes with your right ankle wrapped up in a cast again to see if they actually are.

“You’re not authorized to use the ODM gear for another two weeks.” Levi grumbles at you under his breath.

“Commander!”

A soldier wearing the easily recognizable green unicorn on the back of his jacket comes to a halt on the ground, his wires zipping from behind him into their coils once again.

“What is it, Captain Hass?” Nile asks, not turning his face.  
“Sir, there’s titans fighting in the center of the city!” the soldier exclaims, his face red. He gasps for air in between words. “About fifteen meters each, and they appear to be sentient!”

At this, the commander turns, his gun falling slightly from its posture. “What? Titans are fighting each other?!”  
“Yes.” the soldier nods. “The damage done to the city is unimaginable. Scores of civilians and soldiers have already been wounded.”

Commander Nile bristles with anger again, practically fuming as he sets his rifle back against his shoulder and points it at Erwin’s forehead. “Erwin! Is this the result of your doing?!”  
“...That’s right.” Commander Erwin replies, his expression ever so composed. Almost as punctuation for his statement of affirmation, a few large booming clashes sound out, powerful enough that you feel vibrations from here. “I acted entirely on my own authority. I offer no excuses.”

Commander Nile stalks up to Erwin, his rifle swinging down over his shoulder. He grabs the blond man’s collar, clutching the green fabric of the Survey Corps cloak in bony fingers. “You had to have known what this plan of yours would’ve caused in the middle of a city! _Why? Why did you do it anyway?!_ ”

Erwin’s reply is as cool as though he were answering a far simpler question. “For the sake of humanity’s victory.”  
“Don’t give me that!” Nile shouts, whipping the rifle up again. “You’re a traitor! None of the higher ups would complain if I executed you right now!”  
Erwin’s brows narrow substantially. “That’s fine, if you wish. But then you’ll be in charge. You can’t let the female titan escape. Peer is in charge of troop deployment. Beirer is in charge of provisions. Work with them, and do whatever it takes-”  
“W-wait a minute! Stop!” Commander Nile exclaims, thrusting out a hand. “Do you really think that this… is all for humanity’s sake?”  
“I have faith it will serve as a step forward.”

After a moment of pure tension, where your whole body is tight with fear and anxiety at whether you’re about to witness your commanding officer get shot in the head, Commander Nile slowly lowers his gun, still clenching his teeth.

“Soldiers, lower your weapons!” he calls out, and like clockwork, each rifle falls from their aimed positions. “Cuff him!”  
“Yes, sir!” the military police soldiers chorus.  
Nile continues. “Deploy all troops, and focus on aiding and evacuating the citizens!”

The soldiers are at work immediately, most of them sprinting off and two others approaching Commander Erwin with handcuffs, which he offers his wrists to without resistance.

“Erwin…” Commander Nile growls. “I’ll let a court of law decide how to execute you.”  
“I’ll accept that, once everything is over.” said man hums thoughtfully. He glances back at you and Levi, standing just a few feet away. “Levi. Stay put. You don’t like pointless death. Keep Cadet L/N with you.”  
Levi tilts his head and speaks coldly. “You’re right. I’m not fond of causing it, or experiencing it.”

With that, Commander Nile and the two soldiers that handcuffed Commander Erwin lead the latter man away, though you’re not sure where they could be going at this point. After all, you’re starting to smell smoke and the pounding rumbles of the titan brawl going on are only getting stronger.

“So… where exactly are we staying put?” you ask, frowning up at Levi. “Like… here?”

Levi is quiet for a moment, his dark eyes staring out at the landscape of the city, a familiar roar ringing out in the empty noise. “Can you maneuver with that cast on your foot?”  
You tilt your head at him, confused. “...Yeah, but the landings will be very rocky…”  
“Good enough.” he sighs sharply. “I have the feeling that brat is gonna need some help. This fight has been going on too long already.”  
“So you’re planning to intervene?” you frown. “Uh, Corporal, not to be rude, but you’re also injured.”  
Levi gives you a pointed look. “Fortunately, Cadet L/N, I have feeling in my legs, and am aware that I have a muscle injury.”  
You wince, glancing away. “Sorry.”  
“Regardless,” he continues. “I want to be there just in case Eren’s obsessive friend isn’t there to help him.” Levi starts walking at a quick pace back down the street towards the carriages.

 _Does he mean Mikasa…?_ you wonder to yourself, chuckling a little as you follow a few steps behind.

“We’re only making one landing if I can help it, so your foot shouldn’t be compromised too much,” Levi stops in front of the boot of the carriage and hauls himself up the side with an obvious cringe of pain. “Grab this.” he slides a gear case down the boot’s edge and you grab it with a huff of exertion, wiggling it side to side until it hits the ground.

“Hey, is this mine?!” you exclaim, looking down at the familiar scuff marks on the leather covering.  
“I foresaw Eren’s incompetence,” Levi deadpans, then slides down another one which you presume is his.  
“He’s not incompetent,” you defend Eren as the Corporal lands back on the ground, kneeling with some effort to his gear. “Annie’s just really good at combat. She scored full marks every time we had a fighting exam. She was top of the class along with Mikasa.”

“Thanks for the fun fact,” Levi says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Now get suited up.”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes, and also awkwardly kneel to open up your case. 

About five minutes later, just as you’re securing the last buckle on your hip, a series of monstrous, savage roars start thundering in your ears. You know that that fight going on between Eren and Annie’s titans is happening on the other side of the city, but it’s so loud that it feels like the time when Eren started roaring with you in his big ass titan hands.

“What the hell is going on?” you say to yourself, trying to crane your neck and catch a glimpse of where they are, but you can’t even see the tops of either titan’s head.

“Not a good sign,” says Levi, shutting his case and unceremoniously chucking it inside the carriage itself. You follow suit, with more care. “It sounds like it’s getting aggressive.”

“Should we go?” you ask, cracking your knuckles and hopping up and down as well as you can to get the nerves out.  
Levi nods. “Just follow right behind me. Try not to let four eyes see you. She’s the one who ordered your medical rest.”  
“Gotcha, corp.” you nod. Levi lets out an unimpressed sigh, probably at your choice of words, but takes off anyway in the direction that the roaring is coming from.

 

“Ho-ly shit.” the words slip through your lips in an amazed whisper as you glide through the air at a casual pace behind Levi. Up ahead, you’ve finally caught sight of the brutal fight going on between the two massive titans, dangerously close to the wall.

Eren’s titan seems to be in a similar feral state to the one that was described back in Trost, when he hit Mikasa. You can even see his eyes glowing unnaturally from here as he tackles the female titan, practically diving into the now empty market stalls of the city and blowing dust and debris up into the air.

“We’ll land over there, at 3 o’clock,” Levi calls over his shoulder to you.  
“Yes, sir!” you say back, on his trail as you slightly change direction, getting closer to the titan brawl but still off to the side. 

Just a few seconds later, Levi lands on the roof of what is probably a hotel with less ease than he usually does, wincing. You slow down by swinging in between the hotel and the building on the other side of the street for a while before pulling yourself up the side of the hotel and landing beside the corporal, immediately lifting weight off of your foot.

The two of you turn to watch just as more beastly, intense roars sound out from Eren’s titan mouth, and the one hand he appears to have left digs into the female titan’s face, squeezing relentlessly.

“God,” you whisper, eyes widening in horror as the massive features on what is looking more and more like Annie herself burst savagely under the pressure of Eren’s hand, blood splattering across the entire courtyard.

“He’s out of control.” Levi says quietly. You look over at him and his expression is stony, and frankly quite cold.

The female titan’s deranged screaming- no, _shrieking_ calls your attention back to the scene before you, steam obscuring her face. She reels her elbow back and promptly slams it against the chin of Eren’s titan. She seems to fall and the other titan pounces, but much like Annie’s quick maneuvering in class, the female titan strikes out with her foot, and Eren goes flying into a building just down the street, making everything shake around you.

The female titan starts running, but the opposite direction from which you would’ve thought.

“Hey, wait a minute-” you take a step forward, frowning. “Is she-”  
“She’s trying to escape,” mutters Levi. “That fucking brat.”  
You look frantically between him and the female titan, who has dug her fingers into the wall and is now climbing. “Should we- should we do something?”  
“You stay here,” Levi places his hands on his hilts. “I’ll-”

Suddenly, though, Eren’s titan sprints up behind her, and just behind him is a familiar figure. Ever so light, ever so weightless, is Mikasa, flying around like a bird in the breeze, catching up to Annie even as the female titan kicks Eren off of her.

“I don’t think you need to, Corporal.” you lean back, hands clenched in fists. _Come on, Mikasa!_

And sure enough, in an artful execution, the girl effortlessly whips around the female titan, slicing off her fingertips.  
And the female titan falls right into Eren’s grasp.

You watch as he jumps on top of her again, armless but the massive weight of his titan holding her down. Your frown only deepens, though, as the beastly trembling and glowing eyes in Eren’s titan haven’t gone away.

“Wait, Levi, I think he’s really not himself…” you mumble, lips falling open in worry. 

The smooth sound of swords being drawn out pull your eye to the Corporal, standing tall despite his injury. 

“You stay here,” he says, with intent. “I’ll cut the brat out before he kills Annie Leonhart.”

He takes off without another word, leaving you dumbfounded and speechless.

“Wait, Corporal-!” you call out, yanking out your own holsters in a rush. “Are you gonna dismember Eren- _agh!_ ”

You’re forced to look away by a sudden blinding ice blue light, just like the green one that covers everything in sight when someone transforms into a titan. By the time you can look back again, all you can make out is some kind of substance connecting Eren’s titan to the female titan’s body as he roars and roars. 

And then in a flash of a green cloak, Levi cuts down on the nape of the roaring titan, and everything seems to stop all at once.

 

You land on the ground, stumbling because of your stiff foot, and sheathe your holsters. After a moment of looking around to see who you can spot, you start walking over to where a few familiar people seem to be standing around in front of two massive, steaming skeletons. 

“Jean,” you call out, and the boy turns his head to look at you. You walk up beside him, frowning as you glance around. “Where’s Eren? Annie?”  
“Eren’s there,” Jean points just past the skeleton, where if you squint you can spot Mikasa and Armin kneeling next to the boy in question, who seems to be unconscious. “Annie, on the other hand…” with a vague look, Jean’s eyes sweep over to your left. Your gaze follows his to what looks like a giant oval crystal, gleaming in the sun. 

“...What?” you ask, whispering. “Is she… in there?”  
“Looks like it.” Jean’s jaw clenches. He looks over at you. “Hey. Come with me for a second.”  
You frown. “What? Why-” 

Jean grabs your hand without warning and starts pulling you behind him towards the crystal. Once you’re standing in front of it, he draws one of his blades.

“Hey!” you grab his arm before he can even lift it with one hand, fingers grasping the leathery fabric of his jacket tightly. “What are you doing?”  
Jean just looks at you with that tight, wavering expression. “We have to get her out of there, don’t we?”  
Your lips fall apart, unable to say anything else, and Jean gently pulls his arm away from you, gritting his teeth and swinging the sword up over his head and down onto that sparkling surface with a grunt of exertion.

You watch, feeling helpless, as he drives the blade into the crystal over and over again, despite the way that it only gets shorter and there’s not even a scratch on the surface of the encasing around Annie.

Annie.

Your eyes fall to her, lying perfectly in the center of the icy material. She’s wearing her military police uniform, and that white hoodie she always wore at camp underneath it. If she’d had on 3D maneuver gear before, it’s gone now.  
Her face is peaceful. She just looks like she’s sleeping. That was the only time Annie ever looked calm… those moments in the morning when you’d look down at her right before waking her up. And then as soon as her cold blue eyes opened, it was like the serene Annie was never real in the first place.

Your front teeth find purchase on your bottom lip, chewing harshly. _Annie…Why did you have to kill all those people?_

She’d never struck you as a kind person, but she’d done kind things. 

_“Annie.”_  
_“Annie.”_  
_“Annie.”_  
_“Give it up, Sasha…” you groan, throwing your pillow over your head. “She’s sleeping.”_

_“She is not sleeping, I can tell!” your best friend argues in a whisper-shout across the room. “Annie, can I have a sip of your water? I ran out and I’m scared to get back up in case someone hears.”_  
_“That’s your fault for actually going along with Ymir daring you to chug it.”_  
_“Y/N! Can you shut up for one minute please?!”_

_Finally, a whole minute goes by without Sasha annoying you in some way and you think you might actually be able to go to sleep._

_“Annie! Please please please please please I’m so thirsty I can’t fall asleep you know I have an extremely regular sleep schedule please I’m begging you-”_

_Oh my god… I’m gonna kill her-_

_“Fine.”_

_You roll over in your bed you’re so surprised by the low, quiet voice that rings out in your room, just in time to catch the usually silent, stony blonde throwing her canteen up to Sasha on the upper bunk._

_“Thanks, Annie!”_

You squeeze your eyes shut. Are you really about to cry over this? She’d killed so many of your comrades, destroyed this whole city, not to mention probably leaving Marco for dead in Trost…  
But you can only think about the girl, Annie Leonhart, lying peacefully in front of you. The female titan seems like a faraway dream.

“Damn it!” 

Jean’s cracking voice shouting out forces you to wipe away any inklings of tears and look up at him as he falls forward onto the crystal, bracing himself with his teeth grinding together. 

“What the hell?!” he exclaims, sounding ragged and desperate. “After all of this, we get the silent treatment? Annie! _Get out here!_ ”  
“Jean,” you reach for him again, the tears only welling up again. “Jean, please-”  
“Get out here and pay for what you’ve done!” he shouts, his voice sounding tighter and tighter like his throat is closing up. He squeezes his eyes shut as they start to look blotchy too. “Come on! Don’t be a coward! Annie!”

“Jean, _stop!_ ” you cry out, grabbing his arm just as he lifts his completely worn down blade for another blow. You grab his wrist with both hands, clamping your fingers on it tight this time. “Please,” you whimper weakly, your voice and hands shaking. “Please, don’t do this. It’s not going to work.”

Jean looks at you, lips trembling, and feebly drops his arm, his head hanging. 

Your hands slip down to his, gently drawing the holster from his fingers and hooking it back onto his gear. “Come on,” you say, wiping your wet eyes with one hand and interlacing the other with his. “Let’s go.”

As you and Jean walk away from the gleaming crystal, Captain Hange and some of her squadmates approach it, the captain directing them to get a net and promptly transport it underground. You look over your shoulder just as they begin to hoist it up, catching a glance of your old roommate’s profile glinting in the light.

 _Bye, Annie,_ you think to yourself, turning away.

_See you later._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter out a day early this time!!!! its spring break for me so ive had more time to write, im about halfway done with the next one as well so maybe ill have another update soon!!!! i hope this wasnt too fast paced, this part of the story literally flies by so i did my best with rounding it out a little more. the next chapter is season 2 material so if you havent watched that spoilers ahead!!!! btw are yall excited for season 3 pt 2 to come out soon???? i sure am!!!! 
> 
> sorry for that novel^ lol  
> thank you for reading as always and i hope you all enjoy!!!!


	27. twenty five - over again

“How’d your interrogation go?”

You roll your eyes at Jean as you shut the door behind you and walk into his temporary room here in Stohess’s military base. He’s laying on the bed, arms crossed behind his head. 

“Interrogation is kind of a harsh word, don’t you think?” you tilt your head and gesture with your chin at him. “You look comfortable.”  
“Long day,” he says back, eyes shutting. “You can sit down if you want.”  
“Are you inviting me onto your bed?”

His eyes fly open and he sits up, throwing his hands in the air. “That is- that’s not what I meant!”

The corner of your lip tilts up, satisfied at his reaction, and take a seat on the end of the bed, drawing your knees up to your chest and leaning your head against the wall. “I know, dumbass.”

“Tch,” Jean lays back down, his feet nearly hanging over the edge of the bed. “Dumbass.”

You don’t really talk after that, and Jean doesn’t either. It’s not like you told him you were coming, you just sort of felt like it after the higher ups finished asking you about what you saw, so you came. But now that you’re sitting in this room, right next to Jean, after everything that’s happened today, you don’t even have any words.

A while passes in silence before he says anything.

“Why didn’t you go check on Jaeger?” you glance over at him in surprise, but his eyes are still shut in that calm manner. “Usually you stay with him for a few hours at least.”

 _Usually…_ you almost chuckle at the word. Eren’s transformed that many times now, huh? Enough to warrant a ‘usual’ reaction from you.

You shrug, even though Jean can’t see it. “I don’t know. I got a vibe from Mikasa that she wanted to be alone with him. And… I don’t know. I felt like coming here.”  
Jean cracks a smile, but it doesn’t seem all that happy anyway. “Thanks for preferring my company.”

You just look at him, a pressure in your chest weighing down on you, on your words, on the air in the room. Why does everything feel so heavy? Shouldn’t you be happy that something was achieved today?

“What’s with the sighing?” Jean’s eyes open again, surprising you as much as what he said.  
“What sighing?” you frown.  
“You’ve been sighing like every two seconds since you came in here,” he says accusingly, with a raise of his brow.  
“Psh,” you look away. “I have not.”  
“Uh, yeah. You have.” Jean punctuates that with a deep, dramatized sigh. “That’s what you’ve been doing.”  
You bite your lip. “...I didn’t notice. Sorry.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you watch him frown and sit up, sitting with his legs crossed and hands dropping to his lap. 

“Hey.” he says.  
“What?”  
“Are you okay?”

You turn your face back to him, chin falling onto your knees. “I’m okay.”  
Jean gives you a doubtful look. “Are you sure?”  
“I’m just as okay as you are,” you mutter, eyes falling to the floor.  
This time, Jean really sighs, shifting over so that he’s sitting much closer. “Y/N. What’s wrong?”  
Your teeth latch onto your bottom lip and you shake your head, that pressure in your chest rising up to your throat. “Nothing’s wrong. I don’t know.”

You can practically feel Jean trying to think of what to do, and that only makes you feel worse, tears starting to well up in the corners of your eyes.

“Hey, shit… are you crying?” 

That only sets you off more, the first tear falling down your cheek as you sniffle. “No.”

“Y/N,” Jean’s voice is full of worry. “Come on, tell me. There’s gotta be something wrong.”  
“Yeah, it’s that I’m the idiot crying even though nothing even happened,” you mumble, tilting your head back and blinking to try and get the tears to go away.  
“You’re not an idiot,” he says, voice unusually soft. “It’s been a rough day. You don’t have to feel bad about letting it out.”  
“But you’re not letting it out,” you shake your head again, trying to get it to stop, but the tears just keep on coming, and your throat is closing up, making your voice squeaky and unstable. “It’s just stupid. I already fucking cried once today. I’ve cried so many goddamn times this year, it’s ridiculous.”  
“Ah, geez…”

A few seconds go by where you’re desperately rubbing at your eyes and sniffling harshly, not necessarily embarrassed but just frustrated at your emotions for existing. And your eye glands, or whatever the fuck they are, for making this possible.

And then there’s Jean’s arm, wrapping around your shoulders and tugging you into his frame, his hand rubbing your arm somewhat awkwardly. “There, there…”

It’s so weird, and slightly uncomfortable, and so not Jean that you actually laugh. 

“What…” you sniffle. “Are you doing?”  
He shoots you a glare. “Can you please appreciate me trying to comfort you?”  
You chuckle weakly again, rubbing at your eyes. “Okay. I appreciate it. You don’t have to do that wiping thing with your hand though.”  
Abruptly, his hand stops rubbing your arm, but he keeps you held towards him. “Sorry. I’m just… trying to make you feel better. I guess.”  
“...Thanks.”

 

A few minutes later, when you have your shit together, you’re still sitting like that, leaned against the wall and into Jean’s body simultaneously. Your head has fallen against his shoulder, and his arm is still wrapped around yours. 

“My mom and I used to sit like this when I was a kid,” Jean says randomly, his voice low and quiet.  
“Why?” you ask, unable to help the curiosity that always grows in you when your friends talk about their parents.  
He sighs. “I got pushed around as a kid. I didn’t really have friends so I was pretty moody all the time. And I was kind of a mama’s boy, so…”  
“Was?” you smile to yourself. “You used to visit all the time during camp.”  
You can hear the eye-roll in his voice. “Whatever.”

“So…” you start after a few seconds, then pause, wondering if you should really ask this.

“What?” asks Jean. 

“I’m just wondering… what your mom was like.” your voice comes out small.  
“My mom?” Jean repeats, sounding surprised. You glance up at him to find him looking down, which makes you look away quickly. “Why?”  
“Well, because…” you sigh. “Forget it.”  
“No, wait, I’ll tell you!” Jean scrambles to keep talking. “She always smothered me because of what I said before- she thought I was an angel and constantly was babying me. At the time I thought it was really annoying, but looking back on it is a different story…”

You try to picture the Jean Kirschtein from the first day of training being cooed at by your stereotypical idea of a mother.  
A smile rises on your lips again.

“And… she was really good at cooking, and always knew when to make my favorite foods… and even if we didn’t always have a bunch of money, she always sacrificed things she wanted so I could have what I wanted. She even used to defend me to the death against my dad when he would get on my case about stuff.” Jean chuckles. “Yeah, I have a good mom.”

“That sounds nice,” you hum, tapping your fingers against the bedsheets absentmindedly.

“So you… really don’t have parents?” Jean asks, then winces when you glance at him again. “Sorry, that sounds bad, I don’t-”  
“It’s fine.” you interrupt, shrugging. “I’m not hurt by it. I’ve lived my whole life like that, so.”  
Jean frowns, still looking a little unsure. “Do you… know who they were? Or just nothing at all?”  
You sigh. “Apparently my mom was also an orphan. I guess she died, I don’t know how. Nobody knows who my dad was, though. I don’t have anything of theirs. My only somewhat parents were Corporal Levi’s friends.”

At this, Jean sputters, his arm dropping as he turns fully towards you, eyes wide. “W-what did you just say?”  
“The thing about Corporal Levi?”  
“What else, Y/N?” he exclaims.  
One corner of your lip turns up. “Surprised?”  
“Surprised is an understatement,” he says, still looking very shocked. “Corporal Levi’s friends raised you?”  
“Yeah, for a few years when I was really little. Levi was there too. That’s why he and I are on good terms.” you chuckle behind your hand at Jean’s expression. “Geez, surprised _was_ an understatement.”

He sighs, wiping his hand over his face. “I can’t believe this. Are you telling the truth right now?”  
“I am, I swear!” you say, saluting for emphasis. “I swear it on my heart.”  
“That’s… not something people say.”  
“Huh?” you frown. “It’s not?”  
“It’s ‘I swear on my life’, or even ‘to God’.” Jean shakes his head. “Geez, I can’t believe I didn’t notice how uncultured you are… I just thought rich people from Wall Sina would have different ways to say stuff…”  
“Uncultured?” you repeat, jaw dropping. “Do you want to get your ass kicked, Kirschtein?”  
“Do you think you could kick my ass?” he says mockingly.  
“Do you think you could rank above me next time we train for three years?”

“...Whatever.”

 

“So basically, that’s why I ended up with this cast and now I’m totally out of commission for at least six months. Fighting titans really is hard, I don’t know how you guys do it…” the military police soldier who’d introduced herself (as Ellie Reinhart) to the four of you sitting together at breakfast sighs dramatically. 

“Haha… it sure is something… fighting titans…” Jean’s smile is tight and awkward.

“Are you really out of commission for a sprained pinky?” Mikasa asks with her signature stone-like expression, taking a sip of her porridge.  
Ellie Reinhart flushes with color as her eyes slide across the four of you and land on your foot, no longer in a cast but bandaged heavily. “Uhh… maybe not six months… it’s really not up to me!”

“No worries,” you offer her a purposefully fake smile. “Some people just take longer to recover. Mental stress, and all that.”  
“Right, ahaha…” the girl stands up quickly, brushing her hair behind her ear and giggling nervously. “Well, thanks for talking everyone… I’ll be going now!”

She pivots on her heeled boots and walks away with fast steps, her head hanging a little in what you guess must be embarrassment.

“Guys, don’t you think that was a little harsh?” Armin speaks up once Ellie Reinhart is out of earshot. “I mean, she doesn’t know better…”  
“Not my problem,” you shrug. “She had to have known there was a chance of embarrassing herself, bringing up titans to Survey Corps soldiers like that.”  
“I agree,” says Mikasa.  
Armin cringes. “I just mean… ah, forget it.”

“I just can’t believe she thought she fought a titan,” Jean barks out a laugh. “Like, what?”  
“The wall she hit her pinky on must have looked like one.” Mikasa comments, which you chuckle at.  
“Let’s just not judge them too much,” says Armin, sighing, ever the diplomat. 

“Yeah, Jean, she might have been your new best friend if you’d have joined the MPs,” you snicker, finishing up your porridge as he glares at you.  
“Not true. I can tell who have brain cells and who don’t.”  
“Really? I’m surprised you haven’t self-combusted due to that paradox, then-”  
“Will you shut up?!”

You cackle to yourself, enjoying pissing him off way too much.

“It’s good to see you two bickering again,” Armin hums with a pensive smile. “Reminds me of camp.”  
Your grin becomes more solemn, too, as you think back to all the squabbling between you and Jean during those years. Armin’s right. It does feel nice. It feels like life isn’t so bad when you’re doing nostalgic shit like that.

“By the way, Y/N,” Mikasa says, setting her spoon down. “Eren was wondering if you’re planning to visit today.”  
Your eyebrows lift in surprise. “Oh. Yeah, I will.”  
She hums. “He asked a few times, so make sure you actually go.”  
“Okay,” you nod. “How is he?”  
“He’s fine,” Armin answers, then sighs. “Physically, that is. We can only hope he’s doing okay in his head.”

You bite your lip, the image of Eren’s titan roaring savagely at Annie, the eyes practically glowing. You’d been able to feel the anger radiating off of his titan body even from a distance- it was fiery, it was full of rage and frustration, it was all of Eren’s most intense emotions.

And then the image of him stumbling into his carriage- you’d watched through the window of yours, for some reason feeling strangely like an observer from far away. His face had been so solemn and grim. He felt even less like Eren than when he was fighting as a titan. 

Maybe that’s why you hadn’t gone to see him yet.

“ _Soldiers, at attention!_ ”

You’re out of your seat and saluting within a second, the movement so instinctual you don’t even think as you do it.

Standing at the steps of the mess hall is Commander Nile, that guy that almost had Commander Erwin shot. He looks extremely anxious and is sweating profusely, but still retains a strong posture and stands tall.

“I regret to inform you all that titans have been spotted inside of Wall Rose. We are assuming that the wall has been breached and Wall Rose has been lost.”

Your eyes widen, jaw dropping instantly.

_...What?_

_How could that… possibly… happen?_

Thoughts start racing through your head immediately. Titans in Wall Rose. Where would it have happened? It can’t be Trost, since the gate is sealed now… could they be coming from the north? But the titans usually come from the south… it just wouldn’t make sense unless the Colossal Titan is able to kick through the wall itself. Can it even do that?

 

A quick glance around confirms that your friends must be feeling the same way, each of their faces in what would be comical expressions if the situation weren’t so serious.

“Members of the Survey Corps, Commander Erwin has ordered that you all return to Ehrmich District tonight. You will be riding in the dark due to the expectation of titans being present along the way. Gather all your items and prepare to leave after sundown. That is all.”

With that, Commander Nile turns and walks out the door. You see his hands begin to tremble in the few seconds before the wood behind him shuts completely.

“What the fuck,” Jean groans, slumping back down as the rest of you also sit. He clutches his head in his hands. “Today? Of all days? We already had to deal with the whole, ‘the walls are made of titans’ shit!”  
“This is bad timing,” admits Armin, gritting his teeth. “The Survey Corps is all spread out, and it’s right after a battle.”  
You sigh, teeth then digging into your bottom lip. “And all our friends are out there in the middle of nowhere unequipped...”

“Cadets!” 

You all look to the side to see Moblit, Captain Hange’s right hand man.

“Sir,” you acknowledge him.

“Finish up breakfast quickly and get your things. We need to start packing up gear and supplies for the trip. And someone go tell Jaeger!”

“Yes, sir!” all of you stand again and salute him as he nods, running off.

“I’ll go tell Eren,” Mikasa states, grabbing her plate.  
“I’ll come,” Armin says, also picking up his. “We’ll meet you two back at the courtyard.”  
“Sounds good,” you nod, giving a thumbs up. “See you.”  
“See you,” Mikasa calls over her shoulder, speed-walking away, with Armin following behind.

 

You grunt from the weight of your gear case as you pick it up off the ground, trying to balance with your foot in the cast and now being topheavy. 

“Whoo! Okay. I got this,” you give yourself a pep talk as you look the cart in front of you down, trying to imagine how you’re going to get this case up on the second level of it. Just as you heave-ho, ready to put all your strength into hoisting it up, the weight disappears from your hands. “Hey!”

Jean gives you a disapproving look. “Come on. It was really obvious that you were gonna drop that.”  
You glower at him, crossing your arms. “Whatever. I could have done it.”  
“And broken an arm, too?” he says sarcastically. “Stop getting on my nerves and just go do something easy like saddling horses.”

You scowl and throw up a subtle middle finger (in case someone sees) and walk away, not really planning on saddling horses. Actually, you don’t have much of a plan at all, so you end up aimlessly walking around for a couple of minutes. You don’t cover much ground since walking with the bandaged foot and weird sandal boot thing instead of a uniform boot is pretty slow.

Eventually you end up getting told off by some higher up you don’t know, who then tells you to go to Captain Hange’s room and pick up some inventory sheets for her stuff that they’ve been moving out the whole morning. So you start heading there, still fairly slow.

The halls of the military post are pretty much identical to the one in Trost, the only big difference being the paintings of who you guess are important people hanging up on the walls. Some of them are military commanders or officers, based off of their uniforms. But others are just dressed in the kind of fancy clothes people here in the Interior wear. 

Your eyes land on a particular portrait just as you’re nearing Captain Hange’s room. It’s large, and there are three people pictured: a woman, a man, and a girl, who you guess is probably their daughter. 

You stop in front of the painting, brows slightly furrowing together as you look at it. The girl, or daughter, you guess… she’s wearing a vivid purple dress on her plump figure, and her flaxen hair is twisted up in braids that trace her hairline. Her skin is fair, almost white, and clinging to her wrists is gold- up and down, and draped around her throat, too. She looks like the epitome of wealth, and she has a family, too.

So why does her face look so unhappy?

You scoff at the portrait, or maybe at the girl in it, whoever she is, and turn on your good heel, getting ready to keep walking, when you realize there’s someone in front of you.

“Whatcha looking at?” Eren asks, tilting his head, his eyes sliding from you to the painting.  
You take a step back in surprise, finding him way closer than you anticipated. “Uhh…” you look back at the artwork. “I don’t know.”  
“It looked like it was pissing you off,” he muses, turning to face it completely. You realize there’s a huge stack of paper in his hands when he doesn’t put them behind his back like he usually does.

“...It kind of was,” you admit, focusing on the girl again.  
“Why?”  
You sigh, shaking your head. “I don’t know. I guess I don’t really understand. She looks like she has everything- money, clothes, food, parents… but she looks like it’s not enough for her.” you look at Eren. “I don’t want to sound bitter but… isn’t it kind of annoying?”

Surprising you, he chuckles bitterly, eyes falling to the ground. “I was like that, back then. I had two parents that loved me, I never ran out of anything I needed, I lived in a nice house… sure, it wasn’t the girl in this painting’s level, but it was all someone needs to be happy.” he shakes his head, frowning. “But I still fought with my mom all the time, and I was still a brat.”

You don’t really know what to say in response to that- firstly, you still don’t understand it, and secondly, you’re kind of shocked that Eren used to act… spoiled. Especially when you’d gotten so ticked off just by looking at this painting of a random rich girl you don’t know. 

Eren seems to catch on to this, and chuckles again, meeting your eyes. “You’re right. It’s annoying.”  
“Sorry,” you wince, snapping out of it. “I didn’t really think… I guess I didn’t really think you were like that.”  
He shrugs, or at least he tries with the limited arm movement. “I don’t blame you. And since you don’t really know what it’s like to have parents-” he seems to realize what he just said and goes very still, eyes widening. “Oh, geez, I didn’t mean, I mean- that sounded-”

You wave it off with a gentle smile, finding it funny how both him and Jean have said something like that to you now. “No worries. Hey, want me to take some of those papers?”  
“Oh, these?” Eren looks down at the stack in his arms. “They’re Captain Hange’s inventory papers, Lieutenant Faber told me to grab them.”  
“Huh? He told me to grab them, too.”  
Eren grins. “Guess we can both grab them.”  
You shrug, holding out your arms. “Hand ‘em over, then.”

 

Once you’re done with the checking the inventory, which you’d done with Eren’s help, the two of you go off to eat the sandwiches the chef here made for the Legion soldiers. Strangely, Eren avoids Mikasa’s eye when she looks around for you two and leads you off to a bench behind a wall, just saying that since you didn’t visit him yesterday, you should eat together.

“Sorry about that, by the way,” you say after you swallow your first bite. “I wanted to come by, but I kind of just…”  
Eren doesn’t look you in the eye. “It’s okay. You were with Jean, right?”  
“Uh, yeah,” you mumble. “I don’t know. I just got kind of overwhelmed by everything, I guess.”  
He nods, looking solemn. “Yeah, me too…” suddenly the fist by his side on the bench clenches and he frowns deeply. “I just wanted to tell you… I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

You tilt your head, trying to imagine what he could possibly be sorry for. All Eren had done yesterday was take down the female titan, and completely wear himself out by doing so.  
Right?

“What are you sorry for?” you ask, genuinely confused. “You did a good job, Eren.”

He gives you a shameful look. “The other day, when you asked me if what you saw wasn’t enough for me. I trusted Annie over you and Armin. I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” you say.

“And… sorry I ignored you after dinner, too. I don’t, I don’t know what I was thinking,” Eren sighs exasperatedly. “I just… I don’t even know.”

You set the sandwich down on your lap and turn to face him completely. “Hey.”  
He looks at you, green eyes dull under his lashes. 

“It’s okay,” you say, setting your hand on his shoulder. “Eren, the stuff we saw on the expedition was… fucked up, to say the least. Nobody was in a good place mentally after that. I was throwing up and crying the whole day afterwards.” you shake your head, sighing. “I wasn’t mad at you at all. Believing that Annie was the female titan was hard for me, too. I wasn’t mad that you didn’t believe it. I was just frustrated that you didn’t believe me.”

He stares at you for a few seconds, then cracks a smile, lighting up his whole face with that boyish look you like so much.

_...Wait, what?_

“I trust you, Y/N,” Eren says, reaching up and ruffling your hair. “Got it?”  
Sheepishly, you look away, hiding a smile. “Got it.”

 

You can’t stop looking at the Wallist sitting on the other side of the cart, sitting with his Church of the Walls gown and rosary. Pastor Nick. That’s how Captain Hange had introduced him. Supposedly, this is the guy who warned the military about keeping the hole in the wall covered. 

And supposedly, one of the guys who knew, no- who _have_ known, that the walls are made out of titans.

The orphanage you’d grown up in was sponsored by the Church of the Walls. Miss Hastings and Miss Keres were both members of the church, and they ran the orphanage so that everyone there pretty much _had_ to follow the religion as well. It was one of the major reasons why you got hit so much… because it was always bullshit to you.

To you, the Wallists were nothing more than a tact to keep those of you in the Underground there. If you’re brainwashed into believing that the walls are sacred and holy, and for some reason you’re not allowed to live within them, you’ll always believe that you’re not worthy. So you’ll never leave.

Of course, there had always been people who also thought it was all bullshit. Those were usually the kind of bad people like Xander’s gang friends, who did anything they could to build up their bank accounts and eventually go to the surface.  
Like Xander, really.  
And maybe even like you.

Either way, you’d retained a bitterness and hatred towards Wallists after all of the pain you’d gone through at their hands. And someone like this Pastor Nick, who had such valuable information but never shared it because of the Walls...

God, it pisses you off.

“Hange.” 

Levi’s voice rings out, drawing your attention from Pastor Nick to him, sitting across from you. His face looks scarily pale in contrast with the black of the night surrounding you all, and his eyes as they look to the side towards Captain Hange are dark, almost with an uninterested appearance.  
No wonder him and Mikasa are distant relatives.

“Hey, four-eyes,” the Corporal speaks up again, leaning slightly over to look at Captain Hange. “Are your hobbies so boring that playing with rocks is somehow fun for you?”

Hange glances up from where you guess she’d been looking- some kind of shiny rock in her hand. “That’s right,” she says, then holds out the rock so that you all can see it. “But this isn’t an ordinary rock. It’s a piece of hardened skin left behind by the female titan.”

You tilt your head in confusion just as Armin starts talking, leaning forward in surprise. “What? It didn’t disappear?”

“Right!” Captain Hange nods, eyes wide. “Annie reverted back to a human, but this fragment is still intact even though it broke off of her body. It didn’t evaporate or disappear. So I thought… ‘what if?’... and when I compared it to a piece of the Wall, its chemical makeup and pattern were practically identical.” her eyes narrow. “In other words, the wall is a barricade of giant titans, and if I’m right, the surface is constructed with hardened titan skin.”

The captain glances over at Pastor Nick, who has shut his eyes and seems to be trying to block out what he’s hearing.

“That’s what Armin was saying earlier…” Mikasa comments, her voice full of astonishment.  
Armin too gasps, looking amazed. “Then-!”  
He’s cut off by Captain Hange grabbing his face with her free hand, shocking you enough that you jump a little at her apparent enthusiasm. “Wait, Armin! Let me finish. As it stands now, we’ll be hard-pressed to seal the hole in Wall Rose, unless we can find the perfect boulder to plug it.” 

Armin tries to talk through Hange’s hand, but his voice comes out muffled.

The captain continues, tone dark with excitement. “But, if Eren could transform and use the titans’ hardening ability to close the hole in the wall…”

Eren’s face is a mix of shock and wonder, but something about his voice tells you he’s more than a little shaken by the prospects. “Use… me….?”

“It should be made out of the same material,” Captain Hange muses. “And seeing how the hardened section won’t evaporate even after you leave the titan form… it’s possible…”

All of you are quiet.

Your brows draw together as you think it over. Seal the hole in Shiganshina? 

The Colossal Titan first appeared when you were ten years old. You’ve lived five years of your life, a part of it even back when you were in the Underground, with that hole in the wall. You’d watched kids from Shiganshina pile into your city and watched their parents leave weeks after, knowing they would die. At this point, you don’t think anyone considers sealing the wall a viable response to the titans. 

What would life be like, if humanity got all that territory back? Even if whatever Eren’s dad left in their basement turns out to be nothing, simply taking back Wall Maria… how would things change? Would the Underground city finally be abandoned? Would you have to go outside the walls, like the Survey Corps used to? 

Shiganshina…  
You can’t even imagine it.

“I think it’s well worth the risk to try,” Armin speaks up first, sounding enthusiastic. “And assuming it really does work, reclaiming Wall Maria is feasible too. Up until now, we’ve had to transport a lot of materials and supplies to establish outposts, which has limited our progress. But if we don’t have to accomodate supply wagons, we could make it to Shiganshina much more quickly.” he lights up, seeming like he already has this planned out in his head. “What if we left at night?”

“At night?” Captain Hange repeats, tapping her chin.  
“Right,” Armin nods. “When titans can’t move.”

“I see,” the captain hums. “If we took a small enough group, we could sneak the whole way to Shiganshina.” Captain Hange lifts the piece of Annie’s titan-rock up again, staring at it intensely. “The way things look right now is as bad as it gets, but… we still have a glimmer of hope.”  
“That’s right, as long as Eren is able to seal the hole,” Armin says, still with a smile.

Your eyes slide over to said boy, his eyes widening, face slowly filling up with anxiety. You frown, looking away.

“I’m sorry to ask this of you, Eren, but,” Captain Hange says, looking him in the eyes. “Think you can do it?”

It seems like a thousand years pass with everyone’s eyes on Eren but you. You lean on the edge of the wagon, intently staring out at the black night instead of at anyone else, barely aware of their expressions through your peripheral vision.

But when Eren just starts to speak up, a hint of air passing his lips, he’s cut off by the cold, low voice of Corporal Levi.

“It doesn’t matter what you think.” he says, eyes sharp on Eren. “You have to. There’s no other choice.”

Your teeth latch onto your lip, already feeling worried about this. You know Levi is right. There are no other options, really. The Survey Corps doesn’t have the best reputation with the Interior or the Military Police right now, and people are still questioning Eren because of his titan shifting ability…  
But the you that knows Eren Jaeger, not Eren the titan-shifter, can’t help but wonder what this kind of pressure will do to him.

You glance over one more time, looking at him out of the corner of your eye. Just like they always do, his eyes are shining green-gold against the light of the torches. A bead of sweat runs down the side of his face. A vein in his neck bulges slightly with tension.

“Yes, sir!” he says firmly. “I will. I will do whatever it takes to seal the wall!”

Your eyes drift back over to the dark scenery in front of you as Eren mutters darkly under his breath.

“The basement… if everything my father said was true, we’ll find the answers to everything there.” his voice is strained and tight.

A few minutes pass in silence, the tension in the air so thick you can practically feel it suffocating everyone.

Your right hand, sitting on your lap, grips the fabric of your cloak as you finally round a hilltop and begin descending down the other side, torches lighting up a familiar gate.

“It’s Ehrmich district,” Captain Hange says.

You resist the bitter laugh that rises up in your throat.

_Welcome home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a wordy chapter, hope you guys don't mind all the dialogue haha... im not sure if im 100% happy with this chapter so if you come back and reread it and its different thats why lol but im not sure about changing it yet (it wouldnt be dramatic changes tho)
> 
> as always i hope you enjoy!!! thanks for reading+commenting :)


	28. twenty six - ehrmich

The entry to Ehrmich is accompanied by a flood of refugees from Wall Rose, trodding in with few belongings other than the clothes on their backs. Those of you in the Survey Corps gone up over the wall in a lift, but after arriving at the military base and going outside to quickly get some fresh air, it became all too clear to you what losing territory means.

As you watch the shaken, grey faces of families walking through the streets of the city, you can only think about that day in the Underground. It feels strange to think that the place you grew up is just under your feet, and there might be another ten year old girl watching masses of people come into the dark city under Ehrmich, wondering what this means for her.

“Y/N,” 

You look over your shoulder to find Eren peeking out of the door, looking concerned. “You should come inside. We need to eat quickly before we get ready to leave.”

“I don’t think Levi’s letting me go,” you reply, looking back at the road in front of you while leaning against the wall that separates you from the refugees.

“What? Really?” you can practically hear the frown in Eren’s voice as he lets the door close behind him and comes up to stand by you. “So you’re staying here?”  
You shrug. “I don’t know, he told me he’d decide later. I’ll still help you all set up, though.”  
“Right,” Eren nods.

A few minutes pass where neither of you talk. The sound of children sobbing and hushed whispers and never-ending footsteps is haunting in your ears, but for some reason you feel obligated to look. _I stole food from them, back then. I pretended to be one of them._

“Are you… doing okay?” 

Eren’s voice speaks up again, but you don’t even spare him a glance.

“Why, because we’re in Ehrmich?” you ask.  
“Yeah.”  
“...It’s a weird feeling,” you admit with some hesitation, glancing around. “I remember this place. The office where I bought my citizenship card is down the street. This is the nice part of town.”  
“Where’s… where’s the entrance to the Underground?” Eren asks, sounding a little nervous, but the curiosity in his tone peeking through.  
The corner of your lip tilts up. “It’s far from here.”  
“Oh.”

_“They should just go out there and die like the rest of their family so we can live in peace.”_

You shake your head, hating how the thought of Xander keeps running through your head. It’s just so hard not to think of him… if he’s still in the Underground, he’s closer to you now than you’ve been since three years ago. 

But he probably isn’t, anyway.

“What are you thinking about?” you can see Eren turning towards you out of your peripheral vision.  
“The past,” you answer simply, with a sigh. “The Underground. Xander. When Wall Maria fell. The week I spent here. Nothing good.”

“Are you going to look for him, if you end up staying here?” Eren asks, but his voice turns much colder as he says this compared to just seconds before. You turn your face to him, still leaning on the wall.  
“You sound like you don’t want me to.”  
Eren’s eyebrows are drawn together, and his jaw is clenched even as he talks. “I feel like you don’t understand the gravity of what he did to you. You think about him a lot more than he deserves.”

That irks you a little bit, and it must show, because Eren looks away, seeming uncomfortable. You study his face with a hard look, forcing him to stay turned the other way. 

Ultimately, you face the street again with a sharp sigh. “I know. There was a period where I hated him more than anything. But the more I let myself think about him, the harder it gets to do that.”  
“That’s because you’re not blaming him, subconsciously,” Eren says, still sounding cold. “You’re blaming the people who hurt you physically, not him.”

You grit your teeth, not liking how Eren is trying to tell you how you feel, but decide not to instigate anything and just keep your mouth shut, continuing to watch the dark scene play out in front of you. 

“Actually, I think you should go look for that asshole,” Eren’s voice sounds off again, making your fists clench atop the stone wall. “I think if you see his face again, it’ll make you remember how much of a piece of shit he is.”

“Eren,” you warn, feeling your annoyance bubble up more fiercely. “That’s enough.”

He looks directly at you. “Maybe then you’ll stop with the daydreaming about someone who sold you like a slave for his own benefit.”

_Slap!_

You think you’re just as shocked as Eren as you draw your stinging hand back towards you, staring at him with wide eyes. 

His hand comes up to his face and touches his cheek, wincing slightly. He looks between that hand and you, eyes finally matching yours with just as wide of an appearance.

Your astonished expression fades quickly, teeth gritting as you curl up your fists, ignoring the pain in the hand you’d used to slap Eren. “I told you to stop.” you mutter dangerously, tilting your head. “You should remember that I’m not someone you can push around.”

Eren seems speechless, just staring at you with his mouth hanging open. 

You don’t feel good about slapping him, or talking to him like you used to talk to people when you were twelve and mean and bitter.  
But now that you’ve done it, your pride keeps you from apologizing.

So you turn on your heel and walk inside, leaving Eren alone in the shadowy evening.

 

“You and Eren argued, didn’t you?” It’s a question, but the way Mikasa says it is a lot more like a statement. You glance at her under your lashes, already a little embarrassed.

“Maybe.”

She gives you an ‘are you serious’ look, which you have nothing to say to.

“Y/N,” Armin says, turning away from his open maneuver gear case. “I think you and Eren need to talk over some of your moral differences, so that these kinds of disputes don’t keep happening.”  
“It’s not that,” you reply with a huff. “Eren just… he really can’t see why others feel the way they do.”  
“You’re not wrong,” says Armin. “But he might think that about you, too.”  
“Eren thinks you’re wishy-washy.”  
“Thanks, Mikasa.” you say sarcastically.

“I mean it, though,” Armin continues, leaning against the wall. “Ever since we were trainees, you and Eren have had these sporadic fights over serious stuff, and neither of you like apologizing. It’s not like you and Jean where it’s just bickering, or you get over it quickly.”

“I know, alright?” you sigh, wiping a hand across your brow. “I know it’s not a good thing and I know how much it weighed on me when we all thought Eren died. It’s just that he’s so intense about everything he believes in, and sometimes he doesn’t know when to stop, and-”

Almost like it was on cue, Eren and Captain Hange stroll through the door to the courtyard you’re in, meeting up with Moblit a few feet away. A few moments later, Levi and Pastor Nick come through the same entrance you’d come through after talking with Eren.

Eren and Moblit turn to face you after a few words between the three of them, but you glance away quickly to avoid his eyes. 

“Captain!” Moblit calls as Hange turns to look back at Levi and the pastor. “We should hurry.”  
“Give me a minute, Moblit,” she waves her hand and stalks over to Pastor Nick, her powerful voice resonating so that even you can hear it, but you’re a little distracted by Moblit walking away shaking his head and Eren coming to stand beside the three of you. 

“Hey,” Armin whispers to Eren.  
“Hey,” Eren whispers back, standing at his side so that both the blond and Mikasa are between the two of you.  
“Eren, are you coming with us?” Mikasa asks in a hushed voice.  
“Yeah, I am.”  
“Good-”

“God, or something?” Captain Hange’s voice is cold as she responds to something the pastor said, a few feet closer to you now.  
“I cannot say anything.” the man replies. You scoff, shaking your head subconsciously.  
“However,” he continues. “I can inform you of a name, who under their sacred will, we were instructed to monitor.”

Everyone seems to be listening attentively now.

“Monitor?” Captain Hange frowns.

“That person joined the Survey Corps as of this year.”

Both Eren and Armin gasp out loud, while you and Mikasa stay still, although you do feel curious as soon as you hear that.

Someone from your class of soldiers, not only that, but someone who joined the Legion, is some kind of ward of the Wallists?

“That person is Christa Lenz.”

At this, your jaw drops.

“Christa?” you mumble in surprise, Eren too mouthing some expression of the same emotion under his breath.

That cute, kind girl that everyone loves… that girl who never spoke a word about her history. That was why you felt comfortable hanging out with her and Ymir. Neither of them ever talked about parents or hometowns.

“Who’s that?” you vaguely hear Hange ask, but your mind is still running a million miles an hour.

What the hell… why did the trio of best friends have to be talking while Captain Hange was talking?! What does Christa have to do with anything? Was there even context for Pastor Nick bringing her up, or was he just deflecting?

“You must find her at once,” the pastor says ominously. “Only she may know the truths that even I have never heard. That’s everything I can share. The rest, I leave in your hands.”

“If she’s in the 104th, then she’s deep in the front lines right now,” Captain Hange’s expression is grim.

“Let’s go, then!” Eren exclaims, his eyes wide. He turns and picks up speed, calling back over his shoulder. “We need to hurry- _oof!_ ”

Your brows lift in surprise once again as Eren crashes into someone standing behind you all, sending her toppling to the ground. 

“Ow…”

“Sasha?!” you exclaim, recognizing her whiny voice even though her face is turned away.

“What are you doing here?” Mikasa asks, looking down at her with a concealed amusement as your best friend sits on the ground, rubbing her elbow pathetically.

Almost like that question gave her life again, Sasha jumps from the floor with an exclamation and grabs a scroll off the ground beside her, sprinting past the three of you towards Hange.

She bows quickly, then starts talking. “Upon my arrival, I gave my report to the Commander! Afterwards, I was entrusted to deliver this message to the Captain!” Dramatically, Sasha holds the scroll out in front of her with both hands.

“Thank you, cadet. Good work.” Captain Hange takes the scroll and replaces it with a potato (you wonder briefly where it came from, but are distracted by your friends finishing up putting on their gear) and then walks towards you. “So who is this girl in the 104th?”

“She’s the shortest one of us,” Eren says.  
“And she’s got long blonde hair,” Armin tacks on. “And… she’s really cute-looking.”  
“She hangs out with Ymir,” Mikasa adds.  
“Ymir…” Captain Hange repeats, frowning.

Momentarily, you wonder why that matters in relation to the other, more descriptive things Eren and Armin said, but the Captain shakes her head and continues on, sounding urgent.

“In this case, with Christa Lenz out in titan territory, we need to move out quickly. I’ll give more specific instructions later- for now, make sure you have everything you need and meet in the center yard in ten minutes. We’ll move out from there as soon as the sun sets. Everyone understand?”

“Yes, ma’am!” Eren exclaims, taking a few steps backwards with urgency. “We’ve gotta go-”  
“Calm down, Eren,” Levi says, his voice low and serious. Everyone looks to him as he keeps talking. “All of you, listen. We’re going in separate directions now. Erwin may have thrown together your squad last minute, but everything’s riding on you.” he raises a brow. “Especially you, Armin. Work with Hange and combine your knowledge.”

“Yes sir!” your friend exclaims, nodding fiercely.

“Mikasa,” Levi turns to her. “I don’t know why you’re so attached to Eren, but protect him it all costs.”  
“Yes, sir! At all costs!” Mikasa replies passionately. 

“And Eren…” Levi finally turns to the boy standing across the group. “Learn how to control yourself. Don’t succumb to your emotions and lose sight of the goal. We can’t afford another mistake.”  
“Yes, sir!” Eren also nods sharply.

“Move out now,” Levi says. “Cadet L/N, stay here.” 

Your head whips towards him, eyes wide. For a moment, even as the other soldiers start to leave, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa hang around, watching you.

“Corporal,” you say, teeth catching onto your lower lip. “Are you sure that I can’t-”  
“You’re not going on this mission. It’s an order from the Commander, not me. You and Cadet Kirschtein along with plenty of other soldiers. You don't need to accompany your friends on every occasion.” 

Your jaw clenches and your eyes fall to the floor, frustrated. 

“I thought I said to move out, cadets.” Levi says, clearly addressing your friends.  
“Y-yes, sir,” Eren mumbles, and then you hear the sound of footsteps getting farther away.

“Don’t sulk over it,” Levi says after a few moments of silence. “You can take this time to relax your ankle.”  
You take a deep breath to keep yourself from snapping at a superior officer. “Right.”  
“...Y/N.”

You glance up, noticing the shift in Levi’s tone. He’s frowning as he looks at you.

“I know where we are right now isn’t ideal. I’m not happy to be here either.”

“You’ve been gone a lot longer than me,” you reply, somewhat bitterly.  
A short breath passes through his lips, and his eyes fall shut briefly. “You’re right. I doubt anyone I knew down there is still alive.”

You look down at the ground again. You hadn’t really thought about that. Levi probably knew other people besides Isabel and Furlan in the Underground. But Levi is thirty-two now, and most people down there don’t make it much past that. Only the citizens of the Underground in cahoots with the Military Police, who eat well, live out long lives. 

“Anyway,” Levi sighs more deeply this time, his eyes opening. “You’re dismissed for today.”  
“I’ll stick around for a bit,” you say, meeting his gaze and almost daring him to tell you you can’t.  
“...Fine.” he responds, just barely rolling his eyes. “Just know that if you try to sneak into the squad going on the mission I will turn you into a cook.”  
You cringe at that. “Got it.”

 

A few minutes later, everyone gathers in the courtyard again. You find yourself leaning with your back against a wall, arms crossed, and nearby Sasha and Levi, who just walked back in after going to use the bathroom. Armin, Mikasa, and Eren are working on securing some kind of crate across the yard. 

“What’s four-eyes saying?” Levi asks you, leaning against the wall as well.  
“She said she got a hold of Annie’s file.” you answer quietly, trying to tune in to Captain Hange.

“According to this, there were two others belonging to the 104th cadet corps that came from the same area as her.” Hange says, looking down at the papers in her hands with furrowed brows. “Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover.”

Out of your peripherals you can see Sasha’s eyes widen, and you won’t deny the weird feeling you get too.  
Reiner and Bertholdt… what does this mean for them?

“Thanks to the chaos five years ago, pretty much all of their family records are spotty or missing.” Hange says, sifting through the papers. “However, during the long-range scouting mission, each of them was given false information. They were among those who were purposefully told Eren was in the right wing.”

“The female titan attacked from the right wing!” Armin says. You look over at him and find that signature expression- the one where you can tell right away that there are gears turning in his head, putting things together.  
“Huh? What does that mean?” Sasha asks, tilting her head at Armin.  
“That it’s possible they passed on information to Annie,” Armin replies without a beat of hesitation.  
“What? Why would they tell Annie-?”  
“Hey, wait a minute,” Eren cuts in, grabbing Armin’s arm. “You can’t just-”

“I know that already, Eren,” Captain Hange drawls. “By itself, that information isn’t enough to prove anything. So I’d like to hear from you all how these three interacted during training.”

Everyone is quiet for a moment. You glance around nervously at your friends, wondering if you should bring anything up.

Armin is the first to bite. “Well, I knew that Reiner and Bertholdt were from the same place, but they didn’t seem close to Annie.”  
“I agree,” says Eren, but his voice is much quieter than usual. “I don’t remember ever seeing those two talk to Annie that much… but, Annie didn’t talk much in the first place.”  
“Annie always ate alone, even at the beginning of camp,” Sasha nods to herself.  
“I don’t remember anything in particular.” Mikasa says, stony as ever.

“But, as their comrade…” Eren speaks up again, louder this time. “I find it hard to believe. Bertholdt doesn’t say much, so him set aside, Reiner is like everyone’s big brother, and he’s not devious enough to trick all of us.”  
“I agree,” Armin nods. “Reiner gave everything he had fighting the female titan with me and Y/N.” he looks to you, and everyone’s eyes seem to follow. “Right?”  
“...Yeah.” you say, though other words are on the tip of your tongue. “He almost died.”  
“Right, he almost got crushed in her hand-!”

“What is it?” Eren asks, sounding concerned as Armin stops suddenly.

The blond boy frowns. “Reiner managed to escape, but… Annie suddenly changed her course, and ran in the right direction to get to Eren.” he shakes his head, something clearly not adding up. “I did mention something about Eren’s position, but Annie was definitely too far away to hear…”

“Did Reiner seem overly interested in Eren’s location?” Captain Hange questions, a hand to her chin in deep thought.

You look over at Armin, who seems to realize exactly what led to him talking about Eren’s place in the formation, but is unable to say the words out loud.

“Reiner asked where Eren was.” you say, gritting your teeth. “That’s why Armin mentioned it.”

Eren looks over at you, his eyes wide, but you avoid them.

“And then… when that happened…” Armin mumbles, looking shocked. “The female titan was staring at her palm… He might have written a message there with his blades. Reiner could have...”

A few moments pass in complete silence, everyone at a dead standstill thanks to this revelation. 

“What the hell…” Eren mutters. “Why are you saying stuff like this? You should-!”  
“I remember something,” you cut him off, eyes sliding over to his as he looks up at you in surprise. “About Annie and those two.”

“What is it, cadet?” Captain Hange prods, leaning forward.

“Annie snuck out of our room a lot at night,” you start, eyes falling to the floor. “Sasha and I were talking about it one time. I remember that I thought she must be going out to meet Reiner secretly because they didn’t want people to know they were dating, since I’d seen him leaving the boys’ dorm at the same time as her one night. But Sasha thought she was meeting Bertholdt for the same reason. It would’ve been normal if they talked during the day, but like Eren said, it’s like they weren’t even friends. They just met up at night, in secret.”

Everyone is quiet once again. 

“Cadet Braus? Do you recall this?” Levi asks, looking across you at Sasha. You glance up at her and she frowns.  
“Yeah. We even made a bet on who she would get caught with first…”

Eren looks directly at you, his expression almost challenging you, even though you can tell he’s questioning himself.

“But that… that doesn’t have to mean-”  
“Eren!” Captain Hange says sharply, drawing all attention to her. “No, all of you, listen up. Supposing we find Reiner or Bertholdt, don’t act in a suspicious way. And don’t mention Annie Leonhart. Regardless of if they’re Annie Leonhart’s accomplices or not, we need to lead them deep underground and restrain them. Understood?”

A chorus of “yes, ma’am!” follows.

“Alright, we move to the stables in five minutes.”

Commotion starts up again right away as people rush around to finish getting things prepared for the long trip through Wall Rose. 

“I’m going to sleep,” Levi says to you. You turn in his direction and notice just how exhausted he really looks.  
“See you, then,” you say as a goodbye, and he just nods, walking off with the help of his cane.

“Y/N!” Sasha practically jumps you, throwing her arms around your neck aggressively. “I can’t believe you’re not coming! I have so much to tell you about the past couple days!”

You hug her back, which you’re not always inclined to do, but this time, you can’t help but feel worried. “You’ll be fine. You’re skilled and smart and just in case, Mikasa is gonna be there too.”

Sasha pulls back from you but leaves her hands on your shoulders. Her expression is dead serious. “I almost died today, Y/N. And the last thing I said to you a week ago before we left was that I was seriously hungry. So in case I really do die this time, I just wanna say that I-” she huffs, composing herself. “I love you a lot.”

Your teeth dig into your lip as you try to ignore the anxiety building up in your chest, and just draw her back in for a tighter hug. “I love you too, Sasha. But I know I’ll see you soon.”  
“Right,” she nods, sighing with a clear nervous tone. “I’m… I’m gonna go, then. You should say bye to Mikasa and Armin and Eren.”  
“Sure,” you say as she lets go of you. “Bye, Sasha.”  
“Bye,Y/N.” your best friend says, and waves as she turns, walking away quickly. 

You look around immediately to see if you can spot Mikasa or Armin, and do right away, Armin’s golden hair shining in the torch light as he taps a box, Mikasa and Eren next to him. 

You head over there as fast as you can, still a little wobbly on your bad ankle. “Hey, guys.”

“Y/N!” Armin says, hugging you quickly, and then passing you off to Mikasa, who hugs you a little tighter and longer. “I can’t believe Commander Erwin ordered you to stay here.”  
“That was probably bullshit,” you roll your eyes. “Levi just hates that I blackmailed him into going on the first expedition.”  
“You… blackmailed the Corporal?”  
“Forget it,” you wave a hand in dismissal. “I just wanted to tell you guys to be safe.”  
“We will,” says Mikasa. “You should stay safe, too, Y/N.” she adds with a knowing look.  
You smile somewhat feebly. “I’ll try.”  
“We gotta get going,” Armin says, and grabs Mikasa’s hand. “Come on, guys.”  
“I’ll be there in a minute,” Eren says, forcing you to pay attention to him for the first time. 

"...Alright," says Armin, then gives you a hesitant wave and smile as he pulls Mikasa along with him. "Bye, Y/N!"  
"Bye, guys," you call back, dreading being left alone with Eren.

You pass a good fifteen seconds in complete silence between you and Eren as you stand across from each other in the midst of all this chaos. 

He opens his mouth to talk, but you start first.

“I’m sorry I slapped you,” you blurt out as quickly as possible, thinking back to what Armin said earlier about how Eren might see you just like you see him- someone who doesn’t want to see others’ viewpoints.

“It’s okay,” he says, shoving his hands in his back pockets. “I went too far talking about… him.”  
“You’re right, you know,” you clasp your hands together, wringing them. “You were exactly right, and I’ve never had to deal with someone telling me all that before.”  
“I was still an asshole about it, though,” Eren says, shifting awkwardly.  
“Yeah, you were kind of a dick,” you mutter under your breath, but surprisingly, that makes him laugh out of nowhere.  
“Thanks for calling me a dick,” Eren reaches forward and ruffles your hair, surprising you enough that you take a step back. “Y/N.”  
“You need to go,” you tell him, acutely aware of how his hand rests on top of your head. “I’ll see you when you come back.”  
Eren’s hand drops back to his side. “See you, then.”

He turns around and starts walking.

“Eren!” you call out, and he looks back at you, expression almost expectant. “Be careful.”

A moment passes where he just looks at you, and then he smiles gently. “You too.”

 

_Knock Knock._

“Come in,” Jean’s voice calls through his door.

You open it precariously, trying to balance the two trays you’re carrying in just one arm as you slip through the door and shut it behind you. “Brought some food.”

Jean yawns and stretches his arms over his head, sitting up properly from where you guess he’d been napping. “Thanks.”

You set down the trays of food on his desk so you can drag the chair over by his bed, and then grab them again, handing one to him and starting to dig in right away. 

“Couldn’t convince Corporal Levi to let you go along?” Jean asks in between slurps of the tasteless porridge.  
You shake your head. “Nope. Stuck here until something else happens.”  
“For some reason, I get the feeling it won’t be so long,” Jean says, sighing. He looks up at you from under his dark lashes, eyes droopy with exhaustion. “Did I miss anything important?”  
“Ummm….” _Yeah, a lot,_ you think to yourself, wondering how you should condense all the conversation that took place. “Well, most importantly, Christa is apparently really important in some way and now they’re going out explicitly to find her because she might know some stuff about the walls.”  
“Christa?” Jean repeats, eyes widening. “Who said that?”  
You shrug. “The pastor guy.”  
“Psh…”

You two keep eating for a little bit before you remember the other thing you ought to tell him.

“Oh, and, Captain Hange and Commander Erwin found Annie’s file,” you say, checking Jean’s face quickly to see if his expression is calm enough that you can continue. When he doesn’t even look up but just shovels another spoonful of porridge in his mouth, you go on. “She’s from the same area as Reiner and Bertholdt. They’re currently being considered suspects, basically.”

At this, Jean nearly chokes on his food, sputtering and coughing, which you react to by reaching over and trying to smack his back, exclamations of ‘are you okay?!’ and ‘I’m fine!’ passing between you two multiple times.

Once he recovers, Jean sets his spoon down and regards you with a mix of doubt and betrayal and disbelief. “Reiner and Bertholdt.”  
You nod, chewing on your lip with furrowed brows. “...Yeah.”  
A beat of silence goes by, and then he sighs deeply, wiping a hand over his forehead. “Goddamnit. Is this ever gonna end?”  
You can’t even try to joke around so the mood doesn’t feel so disheartened. “I don’t know.”  
“Alright, well… we don’t know for sure yet. Let’s think positively.” Jean nods, more like he’s reassuring himself than telling you anything. “Reiner… there’s no way.”

You don’t have the heart to bring up what you’d said in the courtyard about Annie meeting up with those two secretly, so you just nod and dip your head back down, finishing up your bowl of porridge.

“Anyway,” Jean says, sighing again. “You should get some sleep. Who knows what’ll happen with the state of things right now. We might get called to deploy in an hour or in a week.”  
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” you respond, stretching. “Can I sleep in here?”  
“ _Huhwhat?!_ ” Jean exclaims, his cheeks flushing immediately, which you roll your eyes at.

“Don’t make it weird, Jean. I just don’t wanna go look for someone who can tell me what room I got assigned to.”  
He shakes off his flustered look (mostly). “Okay, fine, you sleep in here and I’ll go find your room and sleep in there.”  
You raise a brow. “Are you really going to do that? I can just sleep like this.” you demonstrate by slumping your upper body over onto the bed while still sitting on the chair. “See?”  
Jean just stares at you with a judgemental look. “I’m not letting you sleep like that, stupid.”  
“I’ve slept in way more uncomfortable places, believe me,” you grumble, standing so you can put the now empty trays back on Jean’s desk. “It’s fine.”  
“No, you take the bed,” Jean insists, getting out of it. You quickly avert your eyes because he’s only wearing a loose shirt and boxers, and even though you usually tease him for being so conservatively-minded, you kind of get embarrassed about this stuff too.

“It’s your room, though.”  
“It’s not even my room, it’s just temporary!”  
“Where would you sleep in here, then?”  
“I’ll sleep how you just showed me.”  
“You realize if I sleep in the bed I have to take off most of my clothes, right?”

Jean lets out another deep sigh, turning his face away from you in what you guess is an effort to hide his red cheeks. “You can do that. I won’t look.”

Surprised, you look back to him. “You don’t care?”

In response, he shuts his eyes tight and puts both hands over them. “Go ahead.”

You can’t help but feel a weird, sudden swell of emotion in your chest, but swallow it down so that you don’t end up making things awkward. 

“Okay,” you whisper, and Jean turns around, too, and starts humming, which only makes the weird feeling surge more. For all of his annoying remarks during training about various girls, and all of his gross flirting with Mikasa in the first year you’d met, and how much of a brat he’s always been to you… Jean is kind. And he’s thoughtful. And he’s caring. And he’s letting a girl change in front of him and sleep in his bed and doing nothing about it but squeezing his eyes closed while turned the other way.

Maybe for someone else, that would be the expectation for a boy in their life that they aren’t dating. But the few times you’ve been alone in a bedroom with a man, they have always been painful memories that are blurry now from how much they’ve been pushed away. 

You neatly fold your jacket and pants and take off your socks after pulling off your boots, too, setting them at the end of the bed. Left in nothing but your underwear and the long-sleeved shirt you wear with your uniform, you get into the bed and promptly pull the covers up to your chin. “I’m done.”

Jean stops humming and turns around, a smile tugging at his lips when he sees you snuggled up under the sheets on the bed. “Comfortable?”  
“Uh-huh.” you nod, then sit up a little, tugging the blanket off and holding it up to him. “Here. If you’re really gonna sleep in the chair, you’ll get cold.”  
He takes it as he sits down. “Thanks.”  
“And this, too,” you pass him the pillow. “You might get a neckache.”  
Jean frowns, pushing it away. “You take it.”  
You shake your head. “I don’t sleep with a pillow. I never had one as kid.”

His frown doesn’t go away, but he slowly grasps the fabric of the pillowcase and places it about where his head will go, by your waist. 

“I’m turning the lamp off,” you announce as he rests his head on the pillow, face turned towards you. “Wake me up if you get uncomfortable and we’ll switch.”  
“Alright,” he mumbles as you switch off the lamp and the room is plunged into darkness. “Goodnight.”  
“Night.”

 

You wake up to hands urgently shaking you and Jean’s voice calling your name over and over again, telling you to get up.

You groan, throwing an arm over your eyes. “Why?”  
“You need to wake up,” Jean’s voice says, sounding muffled because you’re still half asleep. “We’re deploying in two hours.”

This makes you jump up, snapping awake. “What?”  
Jean is standing above you, luckily not dressed as that means he also just found out. “They just came around to let us know.”  
You groan, pressing the heels of your hands against your eyes to rub them into focus. “Great.”  
“Yeah,” he mutters, also not sounding excited. “I don’t know what for, though.”  
“Alright,” you sigh. “Pass me my pants, please.”

 

Twenty minutes of changing and getting your uniforms in pristine form and ten minutes of figuring out the timing to sneak out of Jean’s room without it looking suspicious that you were in there together later, the two of you end up in the mess hall, where you eat a quick breakfast although it’s still night. 

Afterwards, Commander Erwin calls everyone to attention and begins talking.

“I understand that all of you are suffering,” he begins, his voice as strong and commanding as ever. “These are trying times. We’re running on little sleep, little energy, little faith. 

“But as members of the Survey Corps, it is our responsibility to take the place of civilians and enter the most dangerous parts of humanity’s territory. We will move out to Trost District to rendezvous with Military Police soldiers and the Garrison’s Commander Pixis. From there I will determine our next movements. For now, prepare to deploy in the same formation we used last night. Dismissed.”

Trost again?

You look over at Jean right as he looks at you. The two of you share a quiet moment of contemplation, of worry, of solidarity. 

And then you stand.  
Commander Erwin said it best.

_This is what members of the Survey Corps do._  
_With little sleep, energy, and faith._  
_We fight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy friday everyone!! i thought i wasn't gonna make this update today but i pulled through lol  
> hope everyone enjoyed this chapter!! lots of dialogue so hopefully it wasnt boring! as always please let me know in the comments haha  
> thank you for reading !!!


	29. twenty seven - in between

You pat your horse’s snout lovingly as he huffs air out of his nostrils. “Good boy,” you tell him. “I’ll bring you a treat when we get back home.”

“It’s not a dog, Y/N,” Jean says from your left. You glance over and he’s got a judgemental look on his face.  
You roll your eyes and gesture at your horse, making kissy faces at him. “Come on. Look how cute he is!” 

The only response is an exasperated sigh, and then a hand around your elbow. “Let’s go, dumbass.”

You stumble out of the stables behind Jean, yelping out a ‘hey!’ and pulling your arm away from him. “Let me have my moment, okay?”  
He gives you another look from the corner of his eye. “They’re giving us some time for a drink and to chill out before we move out again. We should take advantage of it instead of hanging out in that shithole.”

You can’t really argue with that, even if he did say it much brasher than you would have put it, so you just roll your eyes again and follow along as he walks down the street.

You look around as you walk, finding the mix of Garrison, Survey Corps, and Military Police soldiers weird. Not to mention that you’re in Trost, which is just a strange feeling. You’re sure you came through this area when you were fighting titans with Sasha and Daniel just over a month ago. 

Once again, you’re nearby the wall, and you can hear the low grumbling of titans on the other side. They’re scratching at the boulder blocking the hole in the gate these days- at least, that’s what the Garrison soldier in the stable told you. It feels that way, too what with the random vibrations that run through the ground. 

But that doesn’t bother you anywhere near as much as the bloodstains on the paved streets that haven’t been totally washed away yet do.

“Wait here,” Jean tells you, stopping outside of what looks like a tavern. “I’m gonna go fill up our canteens.”  
“With water, please,” you comment, mostly to annoy him, but half-serious as you’ve definitely walked past some soldiers with the stink of alcohol on their breath.

Jean just sighs, probably recognizing that you’re taking the piss out of him, and walks inside.

You glance around absentmindedly, finding an empty spot on a bench nearby a mix of Survey Corps members and MPs, figuring nobody is going to bother a random teenager minding her own business.

You’re wrong, though, because as soon as you take a seat, the soldier to the right of you with a unicorn emblazoned on his shoulder turns to you, a beer in hand. “Hey, kid.”

You look him up and down before responding, finding that he looks maybe twenty years older than you and also a little tipsy. “...Uh huh?”

The guy tilts his head. “How old are you?”  
“Uh, what?” you respond, finding that question kind of weird.  
“Just wondering if the Survey Corps are sending kids out to fight still.” he shrugs. “You look young.”  
“And?” you say, trying to not continue this conversation.  
“I’m thirty-four,” the guy tells you proudly. “And you’ve gotta be what, fifteen?”  
You shrug. “Yeah.”  
“Geez, are they even sure you know how to kill a titan?” he laughs snarkily, taking a sip of his beer and then getting the attention of two of his friends. “Guys, listen to this, this girl is fifteen. They sent a little maiden out here to fight titans! What a joke.” 

You roll your eyes, turning away from him and fiddling with your fingers, wondering when Jean is going to be back. 

“Listen,” suddenly a large hand claps down on your shoulder, making you jump back in surprise at the soldier that had been heckling you. “You should be thinking about getting a job at a bar or something and finding a husband soon. The military doesn’t need pretty faces, sweetheart.”

“Excuse me, sir, but you need to take your hands off of me.” you tell him, eyes narrowing.

His hand slips down with no resistance. “Sure thing, darling.”

This only disgusts you more. He knows you’re fifteen and he’s calling you darling and sweetheart and leaning close to you like this? And he’s not even drunk? 

God are you glad that Jean didn’t join the military police.

“Anyway,” the soldier continues, clearly assuming that you’re interested in him since you haven’t actually left yet. “Let’s be honest here. Someone like you is only in the Survey Corps so your comrades don’t get bored, right? It's good people like me are coming along to protect you.”

You grit your teeth, clenching your fists in your lap so that you don’t knock this man out immediately. You inhale and exhale slowly, willing yourself to sound calm when you talk. “How many titans have you killed, then?” the shocked expression appears on the soldier’s face right away, as you expected. “Hopefully more than a pretty teenage girl that needs protecting.”

He doesn’t respond, and his friends seem to have started paying attention, too.

You stand up, staring at him with cold eyes. “You think you can play hero now that your commander forced you to come out here and face reality, instead of accepting bribes to let people take ‘pretty faces’ out of the slums and make them into your toys. The truth is that you’ve never looked a titan in the face and you’re _weak_ compared to a little maiden like me.”

The soldier stares at you with wide eyes, seeming to take a minute to process what you just said to him. You stare back, brows drawn together, whole body strung with tension and ready to move at any sign of being threatened.

Finally, he stands up, towering over you, cocking his head with a dangerous glint in his eyes. “What did you say about me, you little brat-”

“Hey, I’ve been looking for you!” 

Your head whips to the side as Jean throws his arm over your shoulder and dips his head closer to your face than he typically ever does, a wide yet somehow tight grin on his lips.

You’re too in shock to respond, just looking up at him with wide eyes as he turns to the soldier you’d just chewed out, squeezing you into his side.

“This your girl?” the soldier gestures at you with his glass, but addresses Jean.

Jean laughs, sounding slightly strained. “Yeah, sorry. She grew up with brothers.”  
“You ought to teach her how to talk to a man, son.” the soldier grumbles, sitting back down. “Now run off before your girlfriend stirs up more trouble.”  
“Yes, sir,” Jean chuckles, already driving the both of you away from the area as a whole, back into the street.

You drive your heels into the pavement as soon as you’ve made it out of sight of the group of older soldiers. 

“Jean Kirschtein.” you snap, grabbing his hand and yanking it so that he has to turn to face you. “What the hell?!”

But you can tell right away that this isn’t exasperated Jean or calm Jean, this is pissed off at you Jean. “What is it, Y/N?” he asks coldly, his jaw clenched. 

“You know what.” you tell him, not backing down. “You didn’t hear what that asshole said to me, but you came up and acted all buddy-buddy with him? Why? Just because he’s old?”  
“Listen to me.” Jean leans down to your eye level, his own narrowing to thin slits. “I know you know that not everyone sees men and women as the same in this world. Even in the military. What are you going to gain from provoking a man twice your size, who’s also a senior soldier?”  
“So I should just let people talk down to me? Because I’m a girl? That's fucking idiotic, Jean.” you retort, clenching your fists. “I could tell something was off about that man, and I’m supposed to just sit through him flirting with me and questioning my skills? I don’t give a shit who he is.” you jab a finger in Jean’s chest. “And you didn’t even defend me.”  
“That man was from Trost,” he says, a harsh breath passing through his lips and hitting your face. “I know men just like him, alright? Do you even realize what he could’ve done to you just for talking back to him? It’s better to just get over it. Let’s go sit down.”

He waits, though, doesn’t grab your hand and pull you away again. He just leans back and crosses his arms, still staring down at you with that harsh look.

But you realize, as you’re looking back at him, that Jean isn’t mad at you for standing up for yourself.  
He’s just frustrated with you, as it seems like he always is, for putting yourself in a bad situation.

Even if it wasn’t even your fault, but still.

Maybe he was just worried that you would get hurt.

You shake your head abruptly, wondering where the hell such a sappy idea came from. Even if it’s true… agh! Why did he have to pretend to be your boyfriend? 

“Fine.” you mutter, crossing your own arms and stalking ahead of Jean. “Let’s go.”

 

“Stop pretending to be mad at me.” Jean says, taking a sip from his leather canteen. “I know you’re smart enough to understand the situation.”  
“It’s out of principle.” you respond, giving him the side eye from your place at another tavern, farther away.  
“You’re such an idiot,” he sighs, wiping a hand over his forehead. “Why am I stuck here with you?”

Wordlessly, you shove him with one hand, satisfied by the way he stumbles to catch himself before falling off the bench you’re sitting on together.

But Jean catches the way you turn your face to hide the smile on your lips, and all of the built-up frustration and tension inside of him from earlier seems to just melt away.

“Anyway,” you say, stretching out your arms with interlocked fingers. “How long is this break supposed to be?”  
“Until whenever Commander Erwin tells us to leave,” Jean answers, shrugging.  
You give him a look. “Wow, that was really helpful.”  
“Well that’s the truth,” he says, being annoying on purpose, but then sighs. “I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.”

You two are quiet for a while, as you each sip on your water, trying to relax a little in the midst of all this chaos.

“Can’t believe we didn’t see any titans on the way…”  
“I know, not a single one!”

You share a look with Jean as you both catch a piece of someone’s conversation as they settle in behind you two.

Sure enough, as you look over your shoulders, it’s more Survey Corps soldiers that must have just arrived.

“Were there really none at all?” Jean asks, frowning.  
“Seemed like it. It was unusually quiet out there.” one of the soldiers responds, also looking perturbed.  
“I see,” Jean mumbles, turning back and hunching down to lean on his knees. 

You watch the profile of his face as his frown deepens.

“Do you think… everyone is okay?” he asks, looking up at you.

You can tell immediately that Marco is on his mind.  
His best friend had died when Jean wasn’t around to make sure he was okay.  
And now both of you are separated from the rest of your friends, with no way to tell what’s happened to them in the past two days since this thing started.

“I hope so,” is all you can say, setting your hand on top of his. 

Jean looks down at your hand, and quietly turns his over, lacing his fingers together between yours. 

“Me too.”

 

It’s only a few minutes later that you hear the shout for someone to alert Commander Pixis that the Garrison’s advance team returned to Trost. Jean is quickly up and ready to go, maybe not thinking as deeply as you into the fact that you hold hands as you two rush over to where both Pixis, and your own commander, have gathered with other soldiers to hear the report. 

You stand a few feet behind Commander Erwin, Jean clutching your hand with a fervency you can only assume is from anxiety, as the Garrison soldier breathing hard tries to relay the information he must have got from Hannes- who must be that soldier Eren often told you about.

Your jaw drops as you hear what the soldier has to say.

“I see…” Commander Pixis hums once the soldier is done. “So there was nothing wrong with the wall?”  
“Yes, sir, that’s correct!”  
“As I suspected,” Pixis lets out a grumbling sigh and stands up to his full height.

The soldier in front of the Commander quickly sucks down some water, and then starts up again. “There’s something else, too! We were heading back to Trost to give our report when we ran into the Scout Regiment led by Captain Hange. Among them were recruits from the 104th, without equipment!”

Your eyes widen, looking at Jean, who also has turned to you.

“And it turns out, three of them were titans!”

Jean’s head snaps back towards the Garrison soldier, brows drawing together. “What are you talking about? Are you saying there were more of them?!”

You grab his wrist, pulling him back from leaning too much forward.

“Who was it!?” Jean exclaims, his arm slipping from your grasp as he thrusts forward in agitation.

The soldiers from the relay squad look at each other with wide eyes.

“Jean, relax,” Commander Erwin says, placing his hand on Jean’s soldier in a fatherly way. His face and voice is utterly calm as he speaks. “What happened when their forms were revealed?”  
“The Scouts engaged the Colossal and Armored titans in battle,” the Garrison soldier replies right away.

Your jaw drops.  
Reiner and Bertholdt.  
It had to be them.

“But by the time we joined up with them to fight, it was all over.” he grits his teeth, bowing his head. 

You and Jean share another look as Commander Pixis tells everyone to regroup here in twenty minutes and then dismisses you all.

“Y/N! Jean!”

Your head whips around just as Sasha throws herself into you, her arms wrapping around your waist and squeezing tight, your hand slipping from Jean’s.

“I’m so glad you guys are here!”

“Where else would we be?” you ask, a smile rising on your lips as she pulls back to pinch your cheeks lovingly.  
“Well, you’re technically not supposed to be fighting for another week,” Jean says smartly, which you roll your eyes at.  
“No, just _maneuvering-_ ”

“Nevermind all that,” Sasha says, stepping back. “You guys heard all that, right?”  
“Yeah,” your smile fades to a more serious look. “Was it… them?”  
“...Yeah.” her eyes fall. “Reiner and Bert.”  
“Fuck,” Jean bites out, a sharp sigh passing his lips, his head tipping back. “I can’t believe this.”

You and Sasha look at each other, knowing you’re both thinking of Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt’s sneaking out. Now it seems insane that you never cared to at least ask Annie about it, let alone do what you were supposed to and report her. Maybe if you’d just done that, you could have prevented all of this…

No.  
You shake your head, sighing.

“Well that’s how it is now,” you say, more to yourself than the others. “Anyway, Sasha…”

She tilts her head. “Uh-huh?”

You bite your lip. “When that soldier said it was too late… did he mean that they… that they have Eren?”  
Sasha’s fingers wrap around yours and squeeze them briefly, a frown tugging at all the corners of her face. “Reiner took him and Ymir.”  
You frown. “Ymir?”  
“What does she have to do with all of this?” Jean asks, also looking confused.  
“Right, you guys didn’t see…” Sasha sighs, brushing her hair away from her face. “Basically, Ymir is also a titan-shifter.”

“What?!” you and Jean exclaim in unison. You look at each other, eyes wide, jaws hanging open.

“Wait a minute,” you hold up your hand. “I thought he was referring to Eren!”  
“Me too!” Jean shakes his head in disbelief.  
“Nope, it was Ymir,” Sasha purses her lips. “So much happened in the last couple of days, I can’t even cover it all, but just know that Ymir is also a titan-shifter and now her and Eren are with Reiner and Bertholdt.”

_Fucking shit._

You sigh again, pressing the heels of your palms into your temples.

“So are they going after them?” Jean questions. “There’s no way Captain Hange will just let them take Eren like that, right?”  
“It didn’t seem like it,” Sasha says dejectedly. “Everyone got burned and pulled from the wall because of the Colossal Titan’s steam.”  
“Just like that day in Trost…” you mumble, frowning again. “...So we really could lose Eren?”  
“We’re going back out there to make sure that that doesn’t happen,” Sasha tells you with the air of someone trying really hard to sound positive, hands on her hips.  
“Right…” your voice comes out in a whisper, eyes drifting away to some abstract point in the distance.

_“You need to go,” you tell him, acutely aware of how his hand rests on top of your head. “I’ll see you when you come back.”_  
_Eren’s hand drops back to his side. “See you, then.”_

What if you never see him again?

You don’t know anything about Reiner and Bertholdt, apparently, and you have no clue what exactly they want to do with Eren. Clearly they need him alive, otherwise they would have just killed him, but you have the feeling that if you don’t get Eren back, yesterday really will have been the last time you’d ever hear his voice, see his face, feel the weight of his hand on your head.

And to put it plainly, you don’t like that.

“Y/N,”

You blink a few times, reality focusing back in like you’ve put on a pair of glasses. Jean’s hand is in front of your face, his fingers wrapped around one of the military-issued packs of high-nutrition crackers you’ve been living off of recently.

“You should eat,” he says, and then pulls another one from his jacket. “You too, Sasha.”  
She waves him off as you nod your head in thanks, taking the crackers. “I already had some earlier. You eat them, Jean.”  
“Alright,” he says, drawing his hand back. “Let’s go sit down, guys. Today is gonna be a long day.”

 

“This is fucking scary as fuck,” you say under your breath, voice shuddering along with your spine as you look over the edge of the wall.  
“It’s literally like walking on the top, we’ve done it before,” Jean tells you from your right, looking unperturbed and confident atop his horse.  
“It is so not,” you mutter.

Sometimes, you really think that Commander Erwin is batshit crazy. The man is extremely smart, probably even a genius, but his ideas are… off-putting, to say the least. There’s no way you ever pictured yourself riding along the top of the wall on horseback, ever.

But here you are. Doing just that.

“How far are they, anyway?” Jean pipes up, looking past you at Sasha on your left.  
She shrugs. “I guess about halfway between here and Krolva. Hard to tell. Should be at least two hours. Maybe longer, since we’re hauling along all of that.” she looks behind you all to the wall lifts mounted on carts.

The commander had explained that aside from what Sasha told you about many of the soldiers getting hurt by the Colossal Titan’s steam, they also can’t chase after Eren because all of the horses are on the inside of Wall Rose, and they don’t have a way to fix that without the lifts.

Your head turns back and you look out past Jean to Wall Maria, the expanse of terrain looking so much grander than it had when you were riding out into it on the ground. 

You think that it’ll be hard for you to ever get over how it looks, how that much land looks. It screams freedom: the open blue sky, massive plains, rolling hills and then tall, spiky mountains rising up on the horizon. How could you ever have imagined a world like this, as a child? 

It’s beautiful. You have to get it back.

But first, you have to get back someone else.

“ _Soldiers!_ ” 

Commander Erwin’s voice booms across the lengthy group of people organized up on the wall. 

“ _Ride out!_ ”

You grit your teeth, grip tightening over the leather reins you’re holding.

“Woah,” your eyes are wide as you lean is close to the book. “What is this?”  
“It’s the ocean,” Eren says, his voice full of excitement. “Remember, I told you about it?”  
“Uh huh,” you nod, mesmerized by the painting. “This is what that is?”  
“Yeah, it’s supposed to look like this.”

 _That's right, Eren,_ you think to yourself, pushing forward on your horse. _Wall Maria isn’t the end._

_Let’s see the ocean._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for the late update- i've had a super busy week! unfortunately, this isn't an amazing chapter to make up for that lol because it's one of those "setup" kind of chapters, but hopefully you all enjoy the character interactions at least
> 
> the next chapter will be more exciting so look forward to that~
> 
> thanks for reading as always!!! thank you for 2000 hits thats crazy!!! 
> 
> (ps does anyone watch game of thrones? im so excited for sunday..... lol)


	30. twenty eight - the underworld

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for 2000+ notes~

“Spread out! Take formation and locate any enemies!” 

You breathe out harshly as Commander Erwin’s words ring over the pounding of dozens of horses’ hooves on the earth.

You follow Mikasa, turning out slightly, pushed forward on your saddle, riding at top speed. The rumble of the ground as you pass over it reverberates into your chest, tugs at your stomach and at your throat. 

You can feel everything. You can feel every twitch of every animal nearby. You can feel every whip of the wind pulling at your hair and skin. You can feel every heartbeat of every soldier around you. 

It’s all there. It’s all pulsing.

You ride on.

 

“I’ve got it,” you call out to Captain Hannes, Armin, Jean, and Mikasa as the red flare off to the right fires. 

You dig out your flare gun and load the bullet, turning your face away before pulling the trigger.

It shoots up, dusting your face and hair with a light layer of red powder, which you wipe at as soon as you have the gun put away.

“Commander says to move in nearer to the center!” Lieutenant Heinz shouts to your group from up ahead.

“Yes, sir!” Armin answers, and the four of you veer off slightly to the left.

Well, four of you start to.

“Mikasa!” Hannes yells. “Hey, Mikasa! You’re drifting too far ahead!” 

He pushes forward, catching up with her, and you can’t hear them talk anymore after that.

 _She must be worried,_ you think, catching a glimpse of the girl tugging at her red scarf, drawing it up to her chin. _She’s always having to save him._

You ride on.

 

The sun isn’t as warm now. It casts a warm gold light over the rolling hills you’re riding through. 

Four bright green flares go up from the front of the formation, and you can see exactly why.

“We’re getting close!” Captain Hannes shouts, sounding legitimately positive. 

The forest of giant trees is up ahead, on the edge of the horizon. You’ve been riding nonstop for hours now- no breaks, little talking, little of anything. Just accompanied by the sound of the horses and of your own breath. 

You wonder where Eren is. If the four of them are deep inside the forest, or if Reiner had to stop as soon as he reached the edge. You wonder if they’re even still there at all.

But they have to be.

“Titans on the left flank!” Lieutenant Heinz’s voice calls out. “Don’t fire!”

“Goddamnit,” you hear Jean mutter in between heavy gasps for breath. “What if they’re gone?”  
“They’re not,” you snap.

More red flares go up, a few in front, another behind you.

“Fuck,” Jean’s voice is tight, closer to a whine than anything. “Fuck, we’re gonna die out here saving that idiot bastard’s life!”

You look over at him, eyes wide. His brows are drawn together, not in stress or anger but in total despair. 

Maybe it just hasn’t hit you yet.

“We won’t die!” you exclaim, and Jean’s eyes snap over to you, mirroring your own. “We’ll get Eren back, and we’ll go back home! And we can visit your parents, too!”

He stares at you, strands of ashy blond hair sticking to the sweat dripping from his forehead.

“...Right,” Jean mumbles, not seeming convinced. He turns back to face the way you’re riding.

“We’re pushing through the line of titans!” Lieutenant Heinz relays more orders, his voice hoarse as he shouts.

“Prepare to evade, cadets!” Captain Hannes tells you all. “Don’t engage!”

You cross over the highest point of the last hill, the whole army of soldiers drawing in closer together to form more of a straight line rather than any formation.  
And it hits you.

Maybe a whimper of fear slips past your teeth, or maybe it doesn’t. You don’t know. You just know that you’ve never seen anything like this. A wall of titans. A mass of them, turning slowly, so slow it’s almost crueler that way, and staring down at you, with those big glassy eyes, and disproportionate bodies.

Suddenly, all the conviction you’d had before is gone.

_Crack!_

“Ah!” You wince, throwing an arm over your eyes briefly at the blinding spire of light that broke out deep in the forest, shrouding everything around you in shades of yellow and green for a few moments before it fades.

“A light!” Armin exclaims. “I saw a light! Straight ahead in the forest! The same one that appears when someone transforms!”

“Soldiers, disperse!” Commander Erwin shouts. “The enemy may have already transformed! Locate Eren and recover him!”

You don’t have to be told twice- yanking on your reins so hard that you feel the whiplash in your neck right away, narrowly avoiding a brush with a four or five-meter titan. 

Adrenaline beginning to flow, you weave through a group of titans and make it into the forest, following closely behind Captain Hannes.

“Phil, gather the horses!” he calls to his junior in the Garrison.  
“Yes, sir!” the soldier replies.

With that, Captain Hannes fires his wires into a few trees around you, slinging himself into the air.

You look to your left with wide eyes and spot Mikasa and Armin doing the same.

“Jean?!” you look around wildly, head whipping from left to right, but he’s nowhere in sight.

“Y/N! Come on!” you hear Armin shout down at you.

You look once more, but don’t see Jean anywhere, so you grab your handles from your hips and fire off quickly, catching up to the rest of the squad with no problem.

“Find the enemy and let the others know! They should be trying to flee the forest!” Hannes directs you all. “Break out!”

You nod sharply, squeezing your hands around the grips of your gear, feeling, _feeling_ \- everything is vivid, your focus is there.

It’s been a while since you’ve done this- maneuvered in the woods. It reminds you of day after day in training, spending hours practicing going up and down, left and right, from one tree to the next.  
The air in the forest is crisp and cold, stinging your cheeks as you whip through it, gravity trying desperately to pull you in every which way. 

Your heart beats fast.  
Your blood vibrates in your veins.

_It was like this, wasn’t it?_  
_Feeling free?_

You dart through branches and past trunks expertly, keeping Mikasa in sight as your guide to keep track of where you are, not caring to look for anyone else. 

_“AaaarggggGGGHHHHHH!”_

Surprised, you jerk to a sudden stop, hanging from a random tree with your feet pressed against it.

Mikasa keeps going, but Armin is stopped on the tree next to yours.

“Was that…?” you call out to him, and he immediately nods, brows drawn together.  
“A titan,” Armin says, and pushes off the tree. “Let’s go!”

You fire off wordlessly, flying at high speeds in the same direction to catch up with everyone else.

You almost let out a yelp of surprise when you finally catch sight of the thing, making a smoother stop this time on another massive tree trunk.

“What the fuck… is that thing?” you whisper, more to yourself than anything.

“It’s Ymir,” a familiar voice says.

You look down with wide eyes, finding Sasha looking back up at you. You don’t have time for anything else, though, as another familiar voice shouts out, a few feet away.

“Ymir?!” Jean exclaims. “Did you get away from Reiner? Where are they?”  
“Tell us something, anything!” Sasha calls out, desperately. “Ymir!”

You stare at the titan that’s supposed to be your friend. It’s fucking ugly, uglier than any of the other human-titans that you’ve seen so far. It’s small and weirdly proportioned, with gangly arms and long claws. It's mouth is clenched in a strange open way, with rows of sharp teeth, and its hair is shaggy, stringy, and brown.

That last part is like Ymir, you guess.

“Say something already!” 

You realize as Connie jumps up from the same tree the Ymir-titan is on that he was right next to her, and is now bouncing on her head. “Hey, ugly! We’re in a hurry here!”

She looks around, her big, disproportionate head swinging from side to side.

“What…” you mumble, frowning. 

_Is she… looking for someone?_

“Ymir!”

Your head snaps to the left, eyes wide as you realize exactly who it was that Ymir was checking for.

Christa flies towards you all, calling out something about how relieved she is, a bright, almost teary looking smile on her pretty face.

And then Ymir’s titan jumps off the tree it was perched on with a frightening amount of strength, straight towards Christa.

And then the cute, blonde girl is inside the titan’s mouth.

“Christa!” you shout, more out of shock than anything.

Suddenly overtaken by some strange feeling that you shouldn’t just let that ugly-as-fuck titan (even if it is Ymir) take your most angelic friend, you push off the tree you’re on and fire your hooks, knuckles pushing down on the gas handles.

“Don’t just sit around, let’s go!” you hear Jean shout from behind you, a series of hisses going off soon after.

You’re just seconds ahead of the rest of your friends, but it’s enough that you keep Ymir in sight.

“Y/N! You can catch her!”

You vaguely hear someone shout, though it sounds muffled in your ears. The only thing you can hear clearly is the force of the wind as you push, pull, _force_ yourself through it.

You grit your teeth, getting closer and closer bit by bit- you’re taking risks now, navigating and shooting wires in that dangerous way you always got told off for.

But you’re close, you’re so close-!

_CRACK!_

“ _Ah_!”

Your hook falls from wherever it’d been poorly hooked due to your sudden moment of blindness, and you start falling, realizing someone must have transformed as you regain your bearings and fire off into something again, struggling to drag yourself up to a safe point.

You come to a shaky stop at the very edge of the forest, slightly disoriented from the sheer proximity of the pure white beam of light that shot out seconds ago.

For a moment, you see him, just before Ymir lands on the Armored Titan’s back.

“Eren…” 

His name passes through your lips in a bitter whisper. Your nails dig into your palms, frustration bubbling up to the point that you can feel tears welling up in the corners of your eyes.

You hear other people landing around you as you wipe at your eyes, jaw clenched so tight it’s already beginning to feel sore.

“Reiner’s taking Eren!” you hear Connie shout from somewhere nearby.

“Y/N!” Sasha’s voice rings out from your side, and you feel her hand on your shoulder.

“God fucking damnit!” you snap, voice increasing in volume. “I was _right there!_ ”

“Don’t waste time mourning, cadet!”

You look to the side, fists clenched, and see Captain Hannes, whose eyes are focused on the ground far below. “Find your horse and get moving!”

Hannes drops out of sight just seconds after, and within a few moments of you and your comrades looking at each other in bewilderment, you follow suit.

You hoist yourself up onto your horse’s saddle quicker than you ever have, pushing forward right away, staying in time at the highest speed you can go along with all of your friends and comrades.

Reiner’s titan figure is still within sight.

The terrain is rockier and drier out here past the forest than it was closer to the wall- and with the sun setting now, everything seems shrouded in brown and gold.

“He’s not fast enough to escape, we can catch up with him!” Jean exclaims.  
You glance over in his direction and catch the dark look on Mikasa’s face as she speaks up, too. “This time I won’t hesitate. I’ll kill them both, I swear.” her eyes narrow substantially. “And if Ymir gets in my way, she’s asking for it, too.”

Your eyes drift back towards the Armored Titan, where you can see that Ymir has pulled Christa out of her titan-mouth.

“Christa’s out in the open,” you mutter to yourself, but Jean seems to hear you.  
“We have to get her, too,” he says, sounding determined. “If she really does know something about the walls that we don’t.”  
You shoot him a dirty look. “Even if she doesn’t, asshole.”  
Jean cringes. “Yeah. You’re right, sorry.”

“Soldiers!”

You look sharply away from Jean, giving all your attention to the commander.

“Now is the time! Those of you in range- _attack the Armored Titan!_ ”

You look to your right again, and find your eyes matching with Mikasa as you hear the first few hisses of gas fire. 

Her eyes are black in this lighting, but you know exactly what she’s thinking.

You face forward again, and stand up on the stirrups of your horse’s saddle, letting go of the reins to grab the handles of your gear. You draw your thigh up to put one foot on the top of the horse, heart pounding as you sway in the wind, watching a soldier fly towards Ymir’s titan and subsequently get thrown to his death on the rocks nearby. 

Your eyes narrow.  
You squeeze the gas triggers, and then you’re in the air again.

Bertholdt is in sight with Eren on his back, scrambling as he seems to realize he really is in danger.

“Mikasa!” you shout as you fire your hooks in Ymir’s direction. “Go for Eren!”  
She doesn’t answer, but you know she heard you by the way she whips around, body twisting in what looks like a painful way as she veers off to the side. 

You swing down and back up next to Ymir, dropping both hooks once you get close enough and then refiring into the titan’s shoulder blade. You draw both blades, getting ready to find a good spot to make your move from.

A giant hand tries to smack you out of the air, but you pull your hooks again, giving you enough momentum and speed to get out of the way. 

You almost laugh, it’s so exhilarating.

“Hnnngh- _argh_!” You dive down onto Ymir’s titan face, slashing your blades violently against one eye and promptly pressing down on the gas to launch yourself up and away from the clawed hand that lands exactly where you’d been a moment prior in a reaction to the blood spilling out of the cavity you left.

You fire into Reiner’s neck, pulling back to land on the back of his head. You can’t see Bertholdt and Eren anymore, and Mikasa is out of sight until you see Ymir trying to grab her.

You react quickly, realizing you’ll never get to Bertholdt or Eren if Ymir stays this dangerous for the two of you. You fire your hooks and twist around, pulling them so you start to fall, then refire into Ymir’s back, shooting towards her arm as it reaches out towards Mikasa again, swatting at her like she’s a fly in the kitchen.

Your wires come flying back at you as you spin, digging your blades into Ymir’s wrist and swooping under and back up in one terrifyingly fast motion, practically being thrown away by sheer force as the titan hand flings off of its wrist. 

“Y/N!” you hear someone shout from below as you start falling straight down, managing to shove your blades in their scabbards before you accidentally stab yourself. You twist and turn as you try to orient yourself before firing any wires so you don’t accidentally hit someone.

You yelp as a hand snatches the hood of your cloak and pulls you out of your rush downwards. You glance to the side as you immediately shoot your hooks into a spot of flesh on Reiner’s back, and see Connie grinning over at you.

“Come on, Y/N!” he calls, and darts upwards, leaving you to swing a little before triggering your gas and following, landing on Reiner’s massive armored chest.

As you land and reattach your hooks to stabilize yourself, you realize all of your friends have encircled the hand that must be covering Bertholdt and Eren. 

“Stop struggling, Eren!” you hear Bertholdt’s voice ring out from under the hand and have to catch your breath, a little disturbed by being confronted with the fact that it really is them doing this right now.

“Good luck with that, Bertholdt!” Jean speaks up, blades drawn. “It’s impossible to get him to calm down. He’s the most irritating guy there is- I know that better than anyone. I hate him just as much as you do!” Jean’s smug grin fades slightly to a more serious, dark look, but he keeps the jovial tone that now seems threatening. “So let’s beat him up together, huh? Come on out of there.”

“Bertholdt!” Mikasa snaps, clearly not amused at the situation. “Give him back!”

Connie, who’d just been smiling at you a few moments ago, is knelt against the red tendons of the titan’s hand, gritting his teeth. “Bertholdt… Reiner… this whole time, you two lied to us like that? Do you know how cruel that is?”  
“Guys, tell us it’s all a lie!” Sasha exclaims, sounding desperate. “They might forgive you if you give it up now!”

Your eyes sweep around at all your friends, tense and packed with nerves. You don’t have anything of your own to say. 

“Hey… you don’t think you can just keep running, do you?” Jean’s eyes are vague- you can’t tell what he’s thinking, or feeling. “Didn’t we sleep under the same roof for three years, training together, suffering through thick and thin? Bert… we all started looking forward to how you’d look in the morning… your sleeping positions were truly an art form. We even tried to use them to predict the weather!” his face darkens. “But to think that you… the Colossal Titan… you could sleep like a log next to your victims-!”

Connie leans forward, his eyes wide. “Was it all just a lie to you? All the times we talked about surviving this together? That we’d grow up, and get drinks together, and have a laugh over the hard times? Were those all lies?”

Bertholdt doesn’t answer, not to your surprise.

This seems to set Connie off, as he slams his hands against the titan hand and shouts fiercely. “ _Were they?!_ What were you guys thinking, this whole time?!”

“It doesn’t matter,” Mikasa says, her voice sharp as the blade she lifts, a dangerous glint in her eyes. Her jaw clenches, and she looks coldly down on all of you. “Just focus on cutting open his neck. We have to get Eren back.”  
“She’s right,” you draw your own blades again, eyes narrowing. “They’re not our friends anymore. They’re the enemies of humanity. That’s all that’s left now.”

There’s a pause.  
It’s strange, because you can almost feel the beat in the air, thick and heavy and loud despite the fact that nobody speaks for that moment.

And then, a muffled voice from within the cavern of the titan’s hand starts to scream.

“Tell me who!” Bertholdt’s voice is strangled, like he’s in pain. “Who the hell would want to kill thousands of people by their own choice? Who the hell would like doing that? _Do you think I wanted to do it?_ ” his voice drops, shaky. “People hate us… we’ve done such terrible things that we deserve to die. Things we can never take back. But… we couldn’t come to terms with our sins. The only time… the only time we had any respite from them was pretending to be soldiers.”

You stand straight and strung with tension, not letting your guard down despite hearing how broken your former comrade sounds.  
...Even if it does disturb you a little bit.

“Connie! Jean!” Bertholdt shouts, voice soaked in desperation. “Maybe we did deceive everyone, but not everything was a lie! We really did consider you comrades! I know… I know neither of us have any right to apologize…” his voice quiets down again, and you can hear that he must be sobbing in there. “But someone… someone, please… please… find us!”

You stare at the hand, hands still clenched tight on your blades. 

“...Bertholdt,” Mikasa says. Her voice is quiet, and even, like usual. But there’s an underlying quality to it, something unsettling. “Give Eren back.”

“It’s no use,” he answers, sounding ragged. “Someone has to be the one to do it. Someone has to stain their hands with blood!”

You match eyes with Mikasa then, and you can almost feel the sparks flying between you two.

You and her… you can do it. You can do it yourselves, if you have to. Your other friends… can you trust them to?

“Kids!”

Your attention is snapped away by Captain Hannes’ powerful yell from the ground. You look down at him and see what looks like a small group of the forces riding the same way Reiner is running.

“Get away from there!” Hannes adds.

You frown, wondering what the hell he could be talking about. Isn’t the point of this to get Eren back-

“Look!” Armin shouts, head turned towards the sunset.

You squint for a moment, having a hard time making out what the problem is with the bright light.

And then you see them, and you think, _Commander Erwin really is batshit crazy, isn’t he?_

“You guys! Jump down and get outta there!” Captain Hannes shouts again.

It seems to register in all of your minds at the same time, and you immediately draw your hooks from the Armored Titan’s flesh and push off, pressing down on the gas to propel yourself away. 

You hook onto Reiner’s leg on the way down, making your descent onto a random riderless horse a little less shaky, although you still have to hold on for your life once you have the reins so you don’t fall off completely.

All of you circle around, dispersing so as to avoid the titans that seem to be running straight for Reiner, and then grouping back up together, staring in awe at what’s happening in front of you. It’s much like that day in Trost, when after hours of fighting, Eren’s titan got tired and was cannibalized by other titans.

Just like that, even with Reiner’s attempts to barrel through the horde of titans, they find purchase wherever they can and grab onto his massive body, climbing and clinging and dragging him down as he lets out one roar after another. The whole earth seems to shake under the weight of it all.

“What the…” Jean’s astonished whisper from nearby carries. “Is this hell?”

“No, but it will be!”

Your hair catches with the pull of Commander Erwin riding past at full speed, holding his blade in the air.

“All soldiers, charge! The fate of humanity will be decided in this very moment!” he circles and stops once he’s in front of you all, sitting proudly on his horse. “There is no future where humanity can take back these lands without Eren! We recover Eren and immediately retreat!” his horse rears, almost beautiful in how passionate it looks. “ _Offer up your hearts!_ ”

Mikasa wastes no time- she’s the first to push forward, following Commander Erwin with a fire.

You hesitate for a moment, although you’re not sure why.

 _Eren,_ you think to yourself briefly. _I’m gonna smack you again for putting me through all of this shit._

And then you charge.

The world flies past you, looking like blurry colors more than landscape as you approach the mass of titans swarming Reiner.

Slowly, slowly, he draws his giant hand away from his chest, probably realizing that he’ll be eaten if he doesn’t actively defend himself.

Your eyes widen as you finally see Eren again, tied to Bertholdt’s back.

“It worked!” Jean shouts.  
“Now’s our chance!” Mikasa pushes faster.  
“Are you crazy, Mikasa?!” Jean looks at her with a bewildered expression. “Don’t you see all those titans!”

You open your mouth to answer- you don’t even know what you were about to say, because Commander Erwin extends his arm out to his side, calling out to advance, and in a sudden, terrible moment, his arm is in the mouth of a titan and he’s being carried away, splatters of his blood landing on your horse and your stirrups.

“Commander Erwin!” someone shrieks.

“Advance!” the commander shouts from the titan’s mouth. “Eren is just ahead! _Advance!_ ”

“Crazy bastard,” you breathe harshly, turning back and riding forth into the fray, trying to ignore how badly your hands are shaking as you get closer and closer to the titans. 

The screams start right away, as soon as you swerve to avoid the first titan in your way. 

They're everywhere- it truly feels like a foray into the Underworld. Giant beasts with human blood dripping down their chins, eyes shiny but dead-looking, and they lean over you like some kind of terrible arch.

It’s worse than the first expedition. It’s worse than Trost. 

You shriek involuntarily as a hand swoops down to grab you, jerking the reins and ending up teetering off balance as your horse whinnies, continuing to run forward. A scream resonates above you and blood lands on your side, spattering over your cheek. You gasp for air, trying desperately to regain control of your horse who is now running wildly at its own will, weaving at harsh angles and painful speeds to avoid titans as they reach for you.

You scream out as the horse finally decides it’s had enough and neighs, raising its back legs in the air and barely giving you time to react before it bucks powerfully, throwing you off and onto the ground. 

You roll and roll as the horse runs away, gasping for breath and clawing at the ground to try and push yourself up- but you can’t breathe, you can’t _fucking breathe-_

You scream again, scrambling away from the hand that slams down in the spot you’d just been.

_No, no, no, not again, not again!_

You force yourself to your feet, finding chaos and horror going on around you, blood and corpses and limbs and torn fabric everywhere. You stumble as you try to get a running start, still heaving for air as you manage to fire your wires into some random titan, flying up high and drawing them back so you can hover for just a second and figure out where you are.

Your eyes land on the Armored Titan immediately, and then at the titan beside it, that has Mikasa clutched in its hand. And then back at the Armored Titan, where Bertholdt and Eren are exposed again.

You start falling, and see a titan below just waiting for you to be in reach of its gangly arms, so you fire off in Eren’s direction, trying to stay aware of everything that’s happening around you.

“Mikasa!” you hear Jean shout, and see him out of the corner of your eye go for the titan holding her. You feel like it’s the okay that you can aim for Eren and Bertholdt.

You hook onto Reiner’s leg again, swooping dangerously low before you shoot back up, landing on his shoulder, and nearly have a heart attack when you see someone standing on the other side.

“Bertholdt!” Armin shouts. 

You pause for a moment, not sure what you should do.

But the loud growl of a titan right behind Armin spurs you into action, and you know exactly what you have to do.

_Armin, you are a weakling, who is way too smart for his own good. You really are gonna die without me around._

“ _Aaargghhhh!_ ” you let out a carnal war cry as you push your body to its absolute limit, firing off and dragging your blades along the small titan’s nape in the familiar, savage way that you were taught for three years.

The titan falls, and there is another in its place.

You heave another deep breath, feeling a sharp pain in your side.

But you ignore it, deciding on your next target.

You fly through the air, spiraling in your risky style, blades landing expertly on the nape of the next titan’s neck, where you have to lurch to the side to avoid another titan jumping towards you with its jaws bared wide open.

You crash into Reiner’s side, sliding down until you regain your senses and come to a screeching halt by scrambling to dig hooks into his thigh. 

You hang there for a few moments, catching your breath, forgetting to even pay attention to any titans around. You look up, trying to see if Armin’s negotiation tactics are working.

And instead, you see Commander Erwin flying past you, upwards, and you watch him cut Reiner’s hand open, slicing through the bonds holding Eren to Bertholdt.

Eren begins to fall. 

Your eyes widen, and you try desperately to pull yourself up, to gather up the strength to catch him.

But you don’t have to.

Mikasa appears seemingly out of nothing, pummeling straight into Eren and wrapping one arm around him in the process.

“Soldiers, retreat!” Commander Erwin’s voice shouts from somewhere.

Your hands shake. You drop, fumbling to fire and refire and fire and refire on your way down, trying to find someone with a horse from your vantage point.

“Y/N!” 

Hanging from Reiner’s calf, you spot Jean, circling on his horse, looking around wildly, probably trying to judge how long he can stand there waiting for you.

“Y/N! Come on!” he shouts, voice strangled.

You shake off your shock and drop your wires completely, hearing the hiss of them coil back up along your scabbards as you fall straight towards Jean, landing very ungracefully in front of him on the horse. He doesn’t say a thing as you groan, tears slipping from the corners of your eyes out of sheer pain. He just pushes his horse so that it gallops away from the squirming mass of hungry titans grasping at Reiner’s titan.

“Are you okay?” Jean asks as soon as he must think you’re mostly out of harm’s way.  
You cough, trying to sit up, but finding it awkward in the position you’re in. “Move, shithead,”  
“God damnit, Y/N,” he mutters, but you don’t have time to keep bickering, because a massive shadow is cast over your heads for a few seconds- and then it lands in front of you.

“What the fuck?” Jean exclaims, looking behind him as he draws the horse to a stop. “He’s throwing titans like a madman!”

You look back, too, and instinctively grab Jean’s wrist, crying out, “Keep moving!” as you see a titan being flung your way.

Jean must have seen it at the same time, because his eyes are wide with horror when he turns back and tries to spur the horse on, but the titan slams into the ground not too far away and sends a massive quake through the earth around you, nearly throwing you off of the horse.

“Y/N!” Jean shouts, grabbing you and dragging you back up onto the saddle, behind him this time.  
“Fucking christ, Jean, keep riding!” you snap, smacking him on the back.  
“I know, I know!” he pushes forward, swerving around the titan that Reiner threw in your direction as you wrap your arms around his waist and hold on tight.

“Jean! Y/N!” 

“Armin!” you call back, seeing the blond boy riding the same way as you.

“Eren and Mikasa!” he points up ahead. “They’re over there! I don’t see a horse!”

You squint, trying to make out where he means.  
Surely it’s not…  
Surely Armin doesn’t mean where someone is trying to fight that titan… that fifteen meter class titan? 

“We head straight there!” Jean shouts. His voice then lowers, grumbling. “We’ll never be allowed to leave without that shithead.”

“Watch out!” you exclaim, seeing another titan fly over your head and land just in front of you two. Jean’s horse rears, whinnying loudly. 

Armin is forced to stop, too, coming up nearby you, eyes wide as he realizes where the titans are coming from.

“Reiner…” Armin says, looking confused. “Does he not care if Eren gets eaten or not?”  
“Don’t get in our way, you big sack of shit!” Jean barks out, like Reiner can hear him from here. He looks behind him again, your eyes following his line of sight. “Let’s keep moving.”

You tighten your grip around his waist again as you pass through a titan’s legs, Jean darting in and around every opening he can see to avoid the giant hands reaching down to try and grab you.

“They’re up ahead,” you comment, nails digging into your palms as you watch Eren’s figure finally stand up.

“Wait, Jean!” you hear Armin shout, and in the next moment, are flying off the horse again, this time Jean tumbling down with you, dust clouding your eyes and getting into your throat as you gasp for air, tears springing to your eyes.

“Y/N! Jean!” Armin shouts again, but it sounds like you have earmuffs on- everything is muffled. “Jean! Are you okay?”

You try to open your eyes, but they’re stinging too much, so you just try to let them water, and ignore the biting pain in your back. 

“Y/N! Y/N! Help me!” Armin is shouting still. “Help, Y/N! He’s unconscious!”

_No… this can’t happen!_

You want to move. You want so desperately to get up, to help Armin, to help Jean, to help Eren, to do something- but it’s like your body has become a bag of sand. Everything feels too heavy and too dead. All you can do is gasp and cough and choke, trying desperately to keep breathing through the pain in your torso and the dust in the air.

“Y/N! Please!”

 _Armin…_ you think, hearing loud footsteps start to thunk closer to you. _I can’t…_

“Somebody! Help us! Somebody, please!” 

_But he’s… not strong enough… Armin… he’ll die… and Jean will die too…_

You hear Armin sobbing, screaming for someone to help, for you to wake up, for Jean to wake up.

Your hands tremble, and your eyes are drenched in tears as you force them open, trying not to recoil at the light of the sun. 

_Even if I die… I can give those two some time…_

You press your hands against the earth, feeling every blade of grass tickle your fingers, and the wet squelch of dewy soil underneath it. You push yourself up, head raising up, flicking your hair away from your face.

_Where are they?_

You glance around, feeling like everything is moving slowly, like all the titans and horses and soldiers about are wading through syrup. 

Your eyes finally land on a tree, maybe ten feet away, where Armin must have dragged Jean since he got to him first. The blond boy is holding Jean in one arm, the other waving one of his swords pathetically at a titan crouched in front of them. 

You heave a deep breath in, and push yourself to your feet, stumbling over them a little, feeling woozy.  
You draw out the last set of blades you have, feeling the lack of strength in your hands as you hold them.  
A long exhale passes your lips, your eyes set on the titan in front of Jean and Armin.

And then, the titan turns around.  
And runs right past you.

_...What?_

Your head whips around, so shocked that you ignore the pain of that sudden movement to follow where not only that titan, but seemingly, _all_ of the titans, are running to.

Your eyes widen. Eren.  
...No. Not Eren.  
That titan.  
The one that was attacking him.  
The other titans… are attacking it.

“Y/N!”

You look away from the titan and see Sasha, her horse stopping in front of you.

“Sasha,” you breathe, hands trembling.  
She gets down with ease, gently taking your hands and putting your blades back in their scabbards, then helps you up onto the horse behind her. “Hold on tight, we gotta go while we have a chance!”  
“What about Jean?” you mumble, your cheek pressed against her back.  
“Armin has him!”  
“What about Eren?”  
“Don’t worry about that right now! We just have to go!”  
“...Right,” your voice comes out as a whisper. “Sasha…”

She looks over her shoulder at you. “Yeah?”

But Sasha realizes right away that you can’t respond, your eyes have fallen shut, expression set in worry as you lose consciousness.

“Sweet dreams, Y/N,” she tells you under her breath, following the remnants of the Survey Corps. “Sweet dreams.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early(ish) update this time to make up for my fail at the schedule last time. maybe we should just say thurs-sat updates haha
> 
> anyway this chapter wraps up season 2 of the anime so from next chapter forward it will be season 3 material :)  
> this chapter was really fun and exciting to write so i hope it turned out fun and exciting to read as well!
> 
> thank you for reading and for the nice comments on the last couple chapters, they really are appreciated and motivate me so much!!! this story has been a really nice reprieve from doing schoolwork the past few months and its an awesome bonus to receive feedback and support so i just want to thank you all sincerely!<3
> 
> see you next time!


	31. twenty nine - watch

Everything is far too bright when you open your eyes. You cringe, lifting up a hand to cover them as you squint, trying to make out where you are as your surroundings start to come into focus.

You groan, arm falling over your eyes as it feels too heavy to keep holding it up.

“Hey, you awake?”

You frown, and let your arm slip down and onto the sheets, a blurry figure by the bed you appear to be lying in becoming more distinct.

“...Eren?” you mumble, trying to sit up.   
“Woah woah woah, slow down,” he leans over you, pressing his hands on your shoulders to keep you from sitting all the way up. “You need to rest.”  
“Rest?” you wince, pressing a palm to your forehead. “What even… what happened?”  
“You mean you don’t remember?”

You shake your head, then let out a hiss of pain at how that makes it throb more. 

Eren sighs, his eyes downcast. “The mission. I got captured by Reiner and Bertholdt, and you all came to get me. Armin said you got thrown off of your horse.”

_Oh, right._

Everything comes back to you bit by bit- you think your brain must be cutting out the worst parts for now, because you remember blood splattering across your cheek but not who it came from.

“Where’s Jean?” you ask, suddenly struck with worry. “He passed out, he was unconscious, and he was bleeding-”  
“Jean’s fine,” says Eren, a vague expression on his face. “Just had a minor concussion and a lot of bruises.”  
You breathe out in relief. “That’s good.” 

A few moments pass in silence.

“Are you okay, Eren?” you tilt your head at him, trying to read his emotions. 

He takes a moment, then frowns, brushing his hair back from his face. “I’m… fine.”  
“Are you sure?” you prompt him, feeling something weird in the air. “I saw you missing arms in the forest, and you did get attacked by that huge titan.”

A beat.

Eren freezes, eyes downcast. “That titan… killed Hannes.”  
Your eyes widen, and you lean forward. “What?”  
“And it also… killed my mom. That day.”

That day.  
In Shiganshina.

You sit there, in shock, head spinning, with your mouth hanging open. You don’t know what to say. Captain Hannes died, and that titan, the one that was overtaken by all the other titans in the area…   
That was the titan that ate Eren’s mother?

“Eren…” you feel your gut clench in pain as you try to match Eren’s gaze, but he avoids your eyes.

“I don’t want you to pity me,” he says, his voice biting. “I’m just… glad that I could finally kill that titan. Even if I don’t understand how it happened.”  
“You can figure that out later,” you tell him, reaching over and gently taking his hands. “I’m just glad we got you back, and that all of our friends are okay.”

“Uh-huh,” he nods, his thumbs brushing over the backs of your hands. “You were right again, about Reiner and Bertholdt.”  
You bite your lip. “Yeah.”  
“Now I know how you felt about Annie,” Eren sighs. “I slept in the same room as them for three years. You know, on the first night of camp, me and Armin hiked out with those two to the lake outside the outpost… the one I took you to a few months before we graduated. I felt like we’d be friends until we died. I really trusted Reiner… I’d have trusted him with my life.”   
“We all would have,” your thoughts drift away, remembering the first expedition a couple of weeks ago. You’d been so relieved when Reiner showed up, thinking you’d certainly be safe if he was there.

Was he thinking about killing you then, as you talked about the possibility of the Female Titan being a person? Was he thinking that if he got rid of you and Armin and Jean, then he could cover up everything you’d seen and at least save himself and Bertholdt for a little longer?

Bertholdt is one thing. You’d never taken to him- you never really talked and he wasn’t outgoing or friendly like Reiner. But Reiner was much like Ymir: older than the rest of you, kind of crude in his many jokes. He was a lot more reliable, though. Reiner was likable and in many cases just plain nice. 

Wait- Ymir.

“What happened to Ymir?” you pipe up, frowning deeply. “What’s the military gonna do with her?”  
Eren meets your eyes, looking hesitant. “Ymir went with Reiner and Bertholdt.”  
It takes a moment to register in your head. “...What did you say?”  
“I don’t know what she was thinking,” Eren shakes his head. “But one moment she was running with us, by Christa, and the next, she was fighting titans clinging to Reiner.”

“Oh.”

You look away again, subconsciously drawing your hands back from Eren to tuck them under the sheets in your lap. 

“Anyway,” Eren says. “As soon as you feel better we’re leaving Trost. We don’t have a lot of time, so Captain Levi told me to tell you to feel better real soon.”  
“Levi?” you frown again. “Why?”  
“He’s making a new Special Ops squad to protect me and Christa while I get better at transforming.”  
“Christa?” you mumble to yourself, then ahh in understanding. “She’s got that connection to the Wallists, huh? Has she said anything about that?”  
Eren shakes his head. “She’s not in the best shape right now. Since Ymir abandoned her…”  
You bite your lip. “Right…”

“So do you feel okay?” Eren asks, drawing your attention back to him. He’s frowning, looking concerned. “It’s not like getting bucked off a horse is nothing.”

You take a deep breath and puff it back out. “My ribs feel fine. My limbs feel heavy. Big headache. Really tired. Pretty hungry.”  
Eren chuckles, a warm half-smile on his lips. “Want me to bring you some food?”  
“Let’s go get some,” you chime, pressing your palms against the mattress and swinging your legs over the side. “I feel fine.”  
“Wait, Y/N-!” Eren scrambles to stand up in front of you, blocking you from getting out of the bed. “Feel better soon doesn’t mean right this minute!”  
You ignore the throbbing in your head and offer him a controlled smile. “I feel good enough to go get a meal.”  
He gives you a doubtful look. “I just… don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Your smile fades quickly. 

“Listen,” Eren says, sitting back down, now face to face with you. “Just stay here, and I’ll get you something. I don’t want to see you in pain for no reason.”  
You frown, looking down at your hands in your lap. “I just..." you sigh harshly. "I’m so tired of this, Eren. I hate being hospitalized. It makes me feel like… like when I was a kid. When I was weak. And I’m not supposed to be weak anymore.”

A moment passes in silence, and then you feel Eren grab your hand, leaning in towards you. 

“You’re not weak, Y/N,” he says, his voice quieter than before. “I don’t think you ever could have been weak.”  
You laugh bitterly, shaking your head. “You didn’t know me back then. I couldn’t live without... him.”  
Eren’s grip on your hand tightens. You see his jaw clench. “You could. That’s why you’re alive now.”

You stare at your hand clutched in Eren’s. His is wrapped around yours, larger, tan, calloused. Even the way he touches you is full of confidence and strength. You’ve seen Eren struggle, and be frustrated or upset. It’s not that. But he's always reassured of of himself somehow. 

“Can we just go?” you mutter. “I don’t wanna stay here anymore.”

He threads his fingers between yours and pulls you so that you stand in front of him, much closer than you think you’ve ever been. 

“Sure,” Eren says. Is he aware of his breath drifting over the planes of your face? “Let’s go.”

 

You sit across from Levi the next morning, a cup of that disgusting tea in front of you on his desk. He’s sitting in his chair, leaned back against it, holding his own cup of tea to his lips in that peculiar way.

“So,” he says, after a sip and a satisfied exhale, setting the teacup down. “You’re good to go?”  
“Uh-huh,” you respond noncommittally, feeling pressured to drink some of the tea.   
“I need a more respectable answer,” Levi’s eyes are sharp as he looks at you. “We leave at noon. Can you ride a horse? Balance? Fight?”  
“Yes, sir.” you say this time, with a nod. “I can do all of those things.”   
“Good,” Levi takes another sip of the tea, and reluctantly, you follow suit. 

_Bleh. Seriously gross._

“I questioned your benefit to the squad, but Erwin wants you there,” Levi continues, surprising you. “You’re still weak, and six people is enough to protect two.”  
You lean forward, raising a brow. “Well firstly, I’m fine, and second, I’m better qualified to protect someone than everyone but Mikasa.”  
“Does your ranking mean so much when you keep getting injured?” Levi leans forward, resting his elbows on the desk and placing his chin on folded hands. “You’re reckless. It’s not something to be proud of.”  
“Okay, well, that’s what works for me,” you reply, knowing it sounds bratty.   
Levi just rolls his eyes. “Thanks for reminding me of your age. It helps me to try and justify your poor behavior.”

You give him a dirty look when he glances away, not brave enough to do it directly. 

A few moments pass in silence before you speak up.

“So… you’re actually letting me go?”  
“I’m aware that you didn’t pay much attention in class, but commander’s orders do override a corporal’s opinion.”  
“Hey. If there’s a reason I’m bad at studying, it’s because you didn’t teach me that in my youth.”  
“...Fucking brat.”

 

You tug on the last few buckles you’d done up on the trunk of your things to make sure they’re tight, letting out a little sigh of exertion. 

_Maybe one day of rest wasn’t really enough._

It’s hard to think that way, though, after finding out from Eren that Mikasa also had a bad fall and was up and moving right away upon returning to Trost. Sometimes you think there’s something superhuman about her- how she just isn’t bothered by pain and exhaustion the way everyone else is. 

Or maybe that’s just her love for Eren motivating her.

“Hey.”

You look over your shoulder and a bright smile spreads across your face right away.

“Kirschtein,” you acknowledge him, hands slipping from the complications of the trunk. 

Jean smiles back, one of those rarer ones- where his eyes are warm and the right side of his mouth tilts up higher than the left, where a little bit of teeth show, and where he ruffles your hair like he often does. “You don’t look too bad. I was expecting much worse.”  
“I could say the same for you,” you reply, turning fully and leaning against the wall, hands in your pockets. “How’s the concussion?”  
“Not bad, it wasn’t serious,” he says, the smile falling slightly. “I heard you passed out, too.”  
“Only after I saw that you were safe,” you say, then realize the depth of what just came out of your mouth as Jean’s expression changes from a humored seriousness to something vague, his brows drawing together.   
“Hey," he says again, his jaw tightening. "Don’t try to save me again,” Jean tells you, taking a step so that you’re standing just a foot apart. “Don’t ever give up your life for mine, Y/N.”

You don’t know how to respond. In fact, you don’t even know what you’re thinking. It’s just blurry- all of your thoughts, and the picture of Jean in front of you, his eyes tracing your face.

“I’ll try,” is the best you can come up with, eyes falling to the floor to avoid Jean’s gaze.   
“Y/N-”  
“Jean.” you look up, matching eyes with him. “Don’t ask me to leave you to die. I’ll never do that.”

There is a long pause. You realize you’re holding your breath when he finally answers.

“Fine.”

Both of you let out a breath, and in that moment, he takes your hand, wrapping his fingers around the tips of yours. “You’re really okay?”  
“If one more person asks me that, I’m jumping off the wall.”  
“Goddamnit, Y/N,” Jean shakes his head, but you’re happy because you see the inklings of a smile on his lips. “Anyway, I wanted to say sorry for the thing with that soldier. I know it was bothering you.”  
You frown. “The MP? I wasn’t even thinking about it once we heard about Reiner and Bertholdt.”  
“Still,” Jean sighs. “I shouldn’t have ignored how you felt about it.”

You zone out, thinking back to said event, how you’d snapped at that soldier who was far older than you, had probably lived many more things. But some people… they never really learn, no matter how many years they’ve passed. Some people-

You freeze.

“Y/N?” Jean asks.

_“You think you can play hero now that your commander forced you to come out here and face reality, instead of accepting bribes to let people take ‘pretty faces’ out of the slums and make them into your toys.”_

_Mousy brown hair. Wide eyes, but they were calm, unaffected, uncaring last time. His skin is white, like most of the ones that worked down there. The unicorn sewn on the side of the jacket, with a tear in the neck of the patched animal._

“Y/N?” Jean repeats. You feel his hand wrap around your palm rather than just your fingers. “What happened? Are you feeling sick?”

“...No.” you say, and find that your voice is lower, shuddering. “I feel fine.”  
“You look pale,” his other hand comes up to your forehead. “Are you sure you’re okay?”  
“Jean,” you look at him in the eyes, feeling cold. “That man. The soldier. The MP.”  
“What?” Jean looks confused, his brows drawn together, hands nervous against your skin. “What about him?”  
“He was there.” your vision goes out of focus, the image of that day floating around. “The day I was taken out of the Underground. He was the soldier at the exit. He saw me. He saw them, too.” 

Jean’s hands tighten- the one on your hand and the other now on your arm. 

“He saw,” you repeat, starting to tremble. “He saw me that day. And he didn’t care. He didn’t care to ask me… he didn’t even recognize me now! He was there, Jean, he was _there!_ ”  
“Y/N,” Jean holds on to you with a force strong enough that you feel the bruises from the mission darken under your cloak. “Calm down.”  
“Don’t say that to me,” you snap, eyes focusing in again. “Don’t fucking tell me to calm down. I want to find him.”  
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he tells you, shaking his head as you start to pull away, trying to shake off his hands. “Y/N, you can’t do anything now, I know it’s not right, but you can’t do anything-”  
“Why can’t I? Because I’m a girl? Is that your reason now, too?” you spit harshly, yanking your wrist. “Let go of me, Jean.”  
“It’s not because of that and you know it!” he snaps back at you, pushing you back against the wall. “He’s a superior officer, Y/N!”  
“I don’t fucking care who he is!” you shout, trying to drag yourself down. “Let go, Jean!”  
“Calm fucking down!”

"Let _go_ of me!" you yell at him, pulling yourself with every bit of your strength from Jean's iron grip. "Let fucking go!"  
"Y/N, stop," Jean's voice rings with desperation and he tightens his grip, holding you towards him. "Stop it!"  
"Stop? Stop?!" your eyes are wild as you look up at him. "Let fucking go of me _now!_ "  
"Get a hold of yourself!" he shouts, frustration finally bubbling over. Jean physically shakes you, his fingers digging into the flesh of your arms. "What are you even gonna do, huh? Kill him?"

You stop, freezing completely, staring into Jean's eyes. 

He almost flinches with how cold you look. You haven't looked like this, like every part of you is stone, in years.

"Yes." you say. "I'm going to kill him."

"Y/N," Jean's voice is low. He leans down, his face close to yours. "You can't do that. You're a soldier now. They'll execute you."  
"Will they?" you ask, and with a sharp yank, free yourself from his grasp. "When they find out what he did?"  
"You don't have proof," he frowns, shaking his head with some sense of desperation and holding up his hands. "They'll kill you if you kill him. Y/N, please, just think this through!"

_Someday I'll find you. And I'll tell you all about what you let happen to me._

"He admitted it," you tell him, gritting your teeth. "And I know. I know because I heard them talking about it."  
"He didn't deny it, that's not the same as admitting it," Jean grabs your hands, clutching them. "Y/N-"  
"You don't understand what happened to me," you say, your voice thinning out. "I never told you the details."

Jean pauses, his expression a mix of dread and anticipation.

"The things they made me do," you stare at him, not pulling your hands away. "I was twelve. I didn't even understand. I was told holding hands was sinful. I suffered, alone, in the dark, for days, maybe weeks. I was dirty, my clothes were ripped up, I smelled like vomit and my neck was covered in bruises. But that man, that soldier," you lean in towards Jean's face, so close that your noses almost touch. "They told him I was their niece. And he saw what state I was in. And he didn't even look twice. They gave him double the cash and he let them take me. Do you really think I was the only one?"

Jean is so still he's hardly breathing.

You draw your hands back. "The world isn't a good place. There are good people. Good things happen, sometimes. But bad things happen a lot, too. And sometimes, killing a bad person is a good thing."

“He was on the mission,” Jean says after a moment passes in silence. “He could already be dead.”

Your hands feel cold by your sides. “...Let’s find out.”  
“Wait, Y/N-”

You turn on your heel, grabbing your trunk and stalking out the door of the clinic room, Jean catching up to you as you walk quickly through the halls back to Levi’s office.

“Y/N, I know this is-”  
“Don’t.” your voice is sharp even to you, and you feel bad for Jean behind all of the ice that’s set up in the past five minutes with the resurgence of your past. 

He’s silent the rest of the way to the office.

You throw open the door without knocking, finding the corporal alone, poring over some documents.

“Cadets,” he nods his head, but seems to notice your current demeanor. “May I help you?”  
“I want to know if someone died,” you say, setting your trunk on the ground and folding your hands behind your back. “He should be a high ranking officer in the Military Police. Went on the mission to retrieve Eren.”  
Levi hesitates, clearly wary, but drags over and opens a file off to the side on his desk. “No name?”   
“I don’t know his name.” you blink at him. 

A few seconds later, Levi turns the file around, shows you a sketch of someone with the name Rodrik Lehmann. 

“Is that him?” Levi asks, sounding slightly curious. “He was the only high ranking military police officer who was killed. Eaten by a titan.”

Your fingers curl in on themselves, the anger pouring through your whole body cooling to a frigid sense of loss, of bitterness. “...That’s him. Thanks.”

“Can I ask why you were so inclined to find out if this particular soldier was killed in action?” Levi questions. “Unless it was Cadet Kirschtein who wanted to know.”

“He was complacent with my kidnapping. He let the human traffickers through the exit of the Undercity and didn’t bat an eye. I was going to kill him.” you tell Levi honestly, feeling like a block of stone, finding it hard to talk or move.

There is a long pause.

“...I see.” says Levi. His eyes are sharp. “It’s a good thing he’s already dead, then.”  
“Is it?” you ask, knowing it might be a step too far.  
Levi stares back at you, his head tilting slightly to the left. “I don’t know, cadet. Is it?”

Your eyes burn as you haven’t blinked, feeling like you’re challenging Levi in a way with the question you posed and he threw right back at you. There’s a strangling feeling in your chest and in your throat, something that’s squeezing your lungs and your heart. You want to be angry like you were a few minutes ago. You want to feel murderous, you want to feel passionate. 

You want to feel like you have some power over Rodrik Lehmann- the only man involved with what happened to you that you’ve found since you escaped.

But the truth is that your hands are shaking against the small of your back, and you feel nothing but frustration at yourself.  
Because you didn’t want to hurt Rodrik Lehmann out of revenge or justice. You wanted to hurt him to get rid of this weak, small feeling you’ve had recently.

And it upsets you.

“Sorry for the intrusion, Corporal,” Jean’s voice says from behind you. “We’ll be on our way now.”  
Levi’s eyes slide from yours to Jean. “Good. We leave at noon, sharp.”  
“Yes, sir.”

Jean picks up your trunk and then wraps his hand around your elbow, lightly tugging you so that you turn around and follow him out of the office, the heavy door swinging shut behind you.

“Y/N,” he starts as soon as the door is closed. He began with your name, but he doesn’t seem to know where to go from there, just looking down at you with a sad expression. 

You look down at the floor instead.

“...I wouldn’t have actually done it,” you say after a while. “I just…”  
“I know,” says Jean, and draws you forward into his chest, wrapping the arm that was holding your elbow around you.   
“I don’t know why I keep thinking about them,” you mutter, shaking your head against Jean’s chest.   
“Hey,” his hand slides from your waist to your shoulder, making you look up at him. His expression is serious, but his eyes are soft. “You can protect yourself now. You’re not a kid anymore. And…” Jean glances away. “If you ever can’t… I’ll protect you.”

Any other time, you might have laughed, made a joke about how cheesy that was and how cringy Jean is when he tries to be comforting.  
But, embarrassingly enough, that actually does make you feel better.

Rodrik Lehmann may have been a part of what you went through as a child, and he may have disrespected you as a soldier, but at least for that moment, you were able to speak to him like none of that had happened. 

And you are alive, and he is dead.

“Thanks,” you wrap your arms around Jean’s waist, pressing your cheek against his chest. Maybe it’s the first time that you’ve ever hugged him like this. It’s definitely the first time you’ve hugged a boy like this in years. 

It feels nice.

“You’re welcome,” Jean’s voice is quiet, almost nervous-sounding. 

The corner of your lip lifts up in amusement.

 

“This is it.”

Levi stops at the front of your group, and gets down from his horse with a little effort- his leg injury is mostly healed, but like you, he’s supposed to be careful with it.

“Set the horses up in the stable and decide who’s taking the first watch- Eren and Historia, you’re excluded. Everyone else starts cleaning immediately.” he orders, then glances with disgust at the cabin. “I’m not sleeping in such a pigsty until it’s pristine.”

Historia. You’re still not totally used to that. She said she’d explain later today.

Connie audibly groans, and nobody else looks terribly excited at the prospects of cleaning the entire building.

The corporal walks away, leading his horse to the stable. You guess he’ll want to be in charge of the sanitation process, leaving you all to pick who will get out of it.

“Well, I guess Historia and I are cleaning for sure,” Eren sighs, looking dismayed.   
“I’ll stay inside with you,” Mikasa says, directly to Eren, who then gives her a look of annoyance.  
“Me too,” Armin adds, without much reasoning.

You, Connie, Jean, and Sasha look between each other. Clearly, none of you want to give up the first watch.

“Alright,” Jean shakes his head. “I’ll join the cleaning team. Connie-”  
“Hey, don’t drag me into your gentleman act,” said bald friend of yours shoots at Jean. “I need some fresh air.”  
“Me and Y/N will take the first watch,” Sasha says before Connie is even really done talking. She gets down off of her horse with ease and smiles up at you. “Right, everyone?”

Connie shoots her a passively dirty look, but it seems like he’d rather just defer to her. Sasha is the oldest out of you all, anyway, and you’ve learned over the years that age dynamics can play a role in discussions like these.

“Fine by me,” you shrug, taking the hand Sasha extends to you to get down onto the ground. 

“Alright,” Jean claps his hands and steps down from his horse too, the others following. “Let’s get these horses put away and start working.”

 

You hang out by the door of the stable as Sasha finishes up with her horse, spending the time you’re passing waiting for her to come out by observing the area.

It’s very green, and the trees here are those cone-shaped ones that are kind of sparse around the cabin but get a lot thicker just out back. You kind of wonder if it’s smart to have your hideout on the side of the road, but you just guess that Levi was trying to make it look as inconspicuous as possible.  
That might work out better without the fairly obvious watchtowers on either side, though. 

Your eyes sweep over to one of the windows on the side of the cabin that’s been flung open by someone inside, a little cloud of dust still evaporating in the cool air. 

Inside is Chr- Historia.  
Historia.  
Gotta get used to it.

Your front teeth latch down on your lower lip as you watch the girl start to clean off the windowsill with a rag. She looks the same, in terms of her features. Her hair is still that light flaxen color tied into a low ponytail, her eyes are still vivid blue, her skin is still pinkish and lightly freckled. 

But she doesn’t feel the same anymore.

Christa used to talk her head off if she ever felt bored or thought the atmosphere was low. You’d hear her from your own room while she was across the hall, giggling about something with Ymir late at night. Or even at dinner, if it got quiet at the table, she would pipe up with some positive news about someone or other. 

Historia, though… she hasn’t said much of anything between the time that you all left Trost and now. The face that used to smile anytime you matched eyes has been blank and unmoving, and the few words she’s spoken have been monotone. 

You guess Ymir leaving her behind- or rather, not staying with her- weighed down on Historia a lot. That paired with this whole new thing about her being “special” in some way and not being treated like a regular soldier is probably heavy in her mind. She always had suffered some discrimination at her petite figure and pretty face in camp, and now it seems like she really won’t get to be the strong soldier that she is.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

You turn your head and smile at Sasha as she walks up to you, holding a rifle in each hand.

“Thanks,” you say as she passes you one, looping the strap over your shoulder. “I was thinking about Historia.”  
Sasha nods, humming as you two start to walk to the trunks of stuff left outside the cabin that someone will probably bring inside soon. “I was too, earlier. She’s different now.”  
“Yeah,” you mumble, glancing back at said girl one last time before turning the corner. Her expression hasn’t changed at all.

“They’re in this one, right?” Sasha asks, kneeling down by one of the trunks. You squint at the label.  
“Uhh… textiles?”   
“Means fabric and stuff,” she explains, opening it up. “Yeah, it’s these.” she pulls out a long, brownish-greenish cloak, having to stand as it’s nearly floor length.  
“Looks like a curtain,” you comment, giving the garment a once-over.  
“Not exactly fashionable,” Sasha chuckles, handing you that one and taking another out. “But I guess we’re supposed to blend in.”  
“Right, this is total camouflage,” you joke, holding the thing up against your neck. “Fits right into the very subtle lookout posts.”  
Sasha shakes her head in amusement. “Not sure what they were thinking, but it’s not my job to judge.”  
“That’s true,” you say as you take your rifle off and set it against the wall. You then scrunch up the cloak so that you can slip your head through and let the rest fall over your body, putting your arms through the armholes next.

As you pick up your rifle and swing it over your shoulder again, you lean against the wall, watching Sasha go through the same motions you’d just done. “Hey, why’d you make Connie give up the watch? I wasn’t gonna fight him for it.”

She sighs, looking at you with some sort of sympathy. “Connie’s… well, you heard that he and Captain Hange went to his village before we came here, right?”  
You nod. “Yeah, Jean told me.”  
Sasha rubs her arm. “I guess nobody told you yet what they found out there. Connie…” she trails off, sighing harshly again. “He thinks the immobilized titan they found on top of one of the houses is his mom. The consensus right now is that the titans in Wall Rose were the people of Ragako.”

It takes a few seconds for her words to process in your head, for you to really comprehend what she’s saying. What that means.

“...What?” you whisper, looking at Sasha in horror. “Are you saying… are you saying that titans…”  
She clasps her hands together, wringing them. “Yeah.”

You look away, shaking your head slightly. 

“I know,” Sasha says comfortingly. “I felt the same.”  
You shake your head again. “It’s fine. How’s Connie?”  
Sasha hesitates, but goes on. “He’s… having a hard time. I mean, his whole family…”  
“Yeah,” you sigh, still staring at the ground.  
“I know if he sits out here in silence just thinking about it with nobody there to help him…” she trails off. “I don’t know. I think it’d be better if he’s with other people and has something to do.”  
“No, that makes sense,” you look back at Sasha, trying to offer a smile. “He’ll appreciate it once he starts to feel better.”  
“I hope so,” she nods to herself.

You two stand there for a moment without talking. You get the feeling that much like you, Sasha’s thoughts are clouded, and she doesn’t have a lot to say.

“Well, I guess we should get started before the Corporal yells at us,” she smiles, stretching out her arms. “I’ll take the one on the right.”  
“Sounds good,” you nod, adjusting the rifle on your shoulder. “Three hours, right?”  
“Yep,” Sasha nods back. “See you then, Y/N.”  
“See you,” you repeat to her, waving as you turn back towards the stable to walk towards your post.

 

You lean against the beams on the side of the platform, looking out over the road and the land extending out in front of it. 

It’s weird, but you’re starting to feel tired of it.   
You haven’t felt like you’ve had your own bed, your own room, your own home in any way since you graduated. Sure, at the Survey Corps base you’d had those things in some form, but it wasn’t the same.   
But maybe that’s because of everything that happened in between that morning you were supposed to graduate, and the night you actually did.

That day, in Trost… how many titans had you killed? You’re not sure, but you think it must have been four or five. There’s those, plus the two you’d killed on the most recent mission to recover Eren.   
You weren’t really killing titans, though.  
You were killing people.

It sends a shudder down your spine, even though it’s really all you’ve been thinking about for the past hour or so. 

It’s strange, because you have killed other humans before. But… they were bad people. They deserved it.  
What if the titans you killed were innocent? What could they have possibly done to warrant being turned into monsters? Becoming a beast that eats its own kind?

You shake your head, smoothing your hands over your face.

You don’t even know if there’s a point to speculating. You might not ever find out whether they were innocent or not.  
A part of you really hopes they weren’t.

The sun is starting to set now. It’s getting a little chilly. You wrap the long cloak tighter around yourself, looking out across the land.

_Eren’s basement… If we can just make it there, maybe then the ocean won’t be so far away-_  
You shake your head again.

It’s not time for all of that yet.  
It’s still not time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god.... i made it again when i thought i wouldnt lol  
> i was going to continue this chapter but then it would have been like three or four days late and also like 10k words so i just decided to cut it~
> 
> this is another dialogue heavy chapter and im honestly kind of iffy on some parts but i want to get this out to you guys, and its generally in the right vibes so i might just make a few minor edits later!
> 
> thank you for reading and commenting as always, i hope you enjoy!!


	32. thirty - around the table

The cup as you set it down on the wood table makes a soft _clink_ , the warm milk inside sloshing around a bit when you draw your hand back and sit down. Historia looks at you, her eyes somewhat droopy and uninterested looking like they have been this whole day.

“What’s this for?” she asks, voice dull sounding.  
You don’t bother trying to smile at her or be super positive. You just shrug. “You look tense.”  
She doesn’t respond, glancing down at the cup of milk instead of you. 

You set one elbow on the table and rest the side of your head against your hand, watching Historia closely, but not saying a word. She must eventually feel awkward, though, because she finally matches your gaze again and quips out a harsh “what?”.

“You should drink that,” you hum, gesturing with your chin to the cup. “Like I said, you look tense. It’ll relax you.”  
“How do you even know something like that?” she asks, expression unchanging. “Haven’t you been pretending this whole time?”  
This, you crack a smile at. “Yeah. Just like you.”  
She glances away again. 

Outside, you hear the whistling of the wind and not much else, though you know that Levi and Jean are on watch. From one of the three rooms, you can hear Armin, Connie, and Eren chatting animatedly. 

“It’ll pass, eventually,” you say, softly. Historia doesn’t look up at you, though. You wait a moment, just to see if she’ll respond, or do anything, really, but she doesn’t. You push your chair out and stand up, pushing it back in. “Goodnight,” you tell her, almost reaching out to give her a comforting pat, but decide not to.

You start down the hall, but a small, almost unnoticeable _clink_ finds its way to your ears.

You head into the room you’re sharing with the other girls, the corner of your lip pulling up.

 

“And then do what?”

Eren lets out a deep sigh. “Just pour it in, Y/N.”  
You cringe as you pour the batter into the pan on the stove, hoping that it was a good amount. “Sorry.”  
“You’ve really never cooked before?” Eren asks, leaning against the counter next to you. He’s been guiding you through the process of making these griddle cake things that everyone is supposedly ‘going to love’.

You shake your head. “Nothing that I can remember. I was either way too young to go near a fire or had no place to try.”  
“Right, I guess that’s true…” 

You stare intently at the batter cooking in the pan. “Should I flip it now?”  
“No, it’s not bubbling yet,” Eren chuckles as you look over at him with doubt. “Come on, trust me on this. It has to bubble.”  
“No offense, but Mikasa always told me you’re a pretty bad chef.” you tell him, enjoying the offended expression that strikes his face.  
“That’s not even true!” he exclaims. “I mean, maybe compared to her, but-”  
You smile, waving your hand. “You’re better than me, anyway. So flip it now?” The batter has small bubbles popping open on the surface.  
Eren relaxes and checks it too. “Yeah, looks good. You know how to flip it?”  
You give him a look. “Do you really think I know how?”

The two of you have a short stare-off before Eren rolls his eyes, but he looks like he’s trying to hide a smile. “Whatever.”  
“Should I just, like, shove it under there?” you ask, grabbing the paddle he said you’d use to flip the cake.  
“I mean, just like,” he tries to demonstrate with the motion with his hands, but it looks obscure.  
“...What?”  
“It’s pretty intuitive, Y/N!”  
“Are you saying I’m dumb?!”  
“No! I just mean-” Eren lets out a sigh of frustration. “Here, just give me your hand.”

You hold out your empty hand, tilting your head in questioning.

“The hand with the spatula.” 

You nod, ahhing in understanding, and hold out your hand holding the tool. Eren wraps his around your wrist, surprising you, but you try not to look that way on the outside. He keeps glancing at you, but you just focus on the pan, not liking how fast your heart started beating as soon as his skin touched yours. 

“Like this,” Eren says, guiding you through the motion with his hand over yours. The cake flips over perfectly.  
“Wow!” you exclaim, grinning. “It looks great!”  
Eren is quiet, so you look over at him, expecting him to be as excited as you are. Instead, he’s wearing that same gentle smile you don’t see often on him. “It’s burnt, Y/N.”

“We’re back!” 

You both turn to look at the doorway, where Jean, Historia, and Armin are standing, the boys both holding some wood in their arms. Historia looks like she’s in a better mood after going outside for some fresh air. 

“We’re making pan cakes,” you say brightly, trying to lift up your hand with the spatula, then realizing Eren’s still holding it. The line of sight both Armin and Jean take is fairly obvious- they can see you trying to lift your hand and then totally not lift it, and they can see Eren’s hand wrapped around your wrist.

And you don’t know why that makes you feel so weird.

“They’re called _griddle_ cakes, for the last time,” Eren says with exasperation, drawing his hand back and leaning against the counter again. “It’s gonna keep burning if you leave it on there.”  
“Oh, shit,” you whisper, trying to focus again. “What do I do?”  
“Just put it on the plate.”  
“What plate?!”

 

“Hey, these aren’t bad!” Sasha talks while chewing as the eight of you sit around the table, a little cramped as per usual. “Good job, Y/N!”  
“More like good job to Eren,” you say, chuckling. “Anyway, it’s good Levi’s not here. He’d be so pissed at how much oil got everywhere.”  
“When’s he coming back, anyway?” Eren asks, after finishing his bite.  
“He should be back by tomorrow,” Armin responds. You really think he has a mental map of the Walls and knows by heart how long it takes to get from one place to another.  
“Good, I’m tired of this place,” Connie sighs, stretching. “I hope he says we can leave.”  
“We’ve only been here for three days.” Mikasa deadpans.  
“And that’s too long!”

“Someone should go back on watch,” Jean cuts in, sounding strangely cold. You raise your eyebrows at him, but he’s looking at the door. “It’s dangerous for us all to eat at the same time.”  
“Loosen up, Kirschtein,” Eren says. “It’s just ‘cause Y/N and I made a special dinner.”  
“And I thank you for that,” Jean replies, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Either way, I’m going on watch.” 

With that, he stands, grabs a cloak and rifle from against the wall and walks out the door without another word.

“What’s up with him?” Sasha mutters, her brows furrowed. 

You frown, watching the door. Jean had been somewhat quiet since he came in earlier, and you can’t shake off the idea that…  
No. No. That’d be ridiculous. 

“I’ll go too,” you announce, pushing out your chair to stand. 

“What? You already went for three hours earlier,” Eren also stands, hands pressed against the table.  
“Someone has to,” you say, walking over to the door and grabbing your own cloak and gun. “We’ll be back in a few.”

 

“Hey.” 

You sit down next to Jean on top of the watchtower without waiting for him to reply, knowing he heard you climbing up.

“You should be on the other post,” he says, looking out at the dark landscape.  
“I know,” you hum, setting your hands in your lap. “But it’s pretty boring being alone and Levi isn’t here to yell at us.”

He doesn’t respond.

“Are you okay?” you ask after a few moments of feeling awkwardly tense.

“I’m fine, Y/N,” Jean sighs. “Is there any reason not to be?”  
“You just seem weird right now,” you say honestly.  
“I’m sorry you think that.”  
“Jean.” 

He must hear the sharpness in your voice, because he finally turns to face you.

You give him a hard look. “Come on.”

Jean looks away again, taking a few seconds in silence, and then sighing harshly. “I’m just… stressed. And confused.”  
You frown, setting your hand on his shoulder. “About what?”  
His eyes flash over your hand momentarily. “I haven’t worked it out yet.”

“...Okay,” you say, drawing back your hand. “I’ll let you work it out, then.”

You stand up, adjusting the hood you’d pulled over your head. Surprisingly, Jean stands too, but he’s still avoiding looking you in the eye. You wait for him to talk, figuring he stood so he can send you off.

But instead, he reaches up, flicks the hood off of your head, and ruffles your hair, a smile finally breaking out on his lips when you swat his hand away.

“Don’t fuck with my braids!” you whine, trying to smooth your hair back into an appropriate place.  
Jean rolls his eyes, but he looks somewhat… fond. “It’s your fault for doing that fancy shit. Mikasa and Historia don’t.”  
“Whatever,” you grumble, giving him a subtle punch on the arm in revenge. “I’m going now.”  
“I’ll come get you when we’re done,” Jean calls as you start climbing down the tower.

“See you then,” you call back, swinging the rifle you’d left at the bottom over your shoulder.

 

“Do you think this is enough?” 

Hands on your hips, you give Mikasa the kind of look that says very obviously, “are you kidding?”

“...Yeah,” you tell her, exasperated. “I think that’s enough. Why’d you ask me to come out here if you were just gonna do it all yourself?”  
“To carry it in.” the girl replies, brushing her dark hair behind her ear. “Historia can help too.”

Said blonde looks up at you two from where she’d sat down in the grass. 

You sigh, wiping at your forehead that you know must be shining with sweat. It’s really starting to heat up these days. “Alright. Pass me half.”

Mikasa does just that, lifting up a stack of chopped up wood and gently setting it in your arms. She does the same with Historia once she stands up. 

“We should head in quickly,” Mikasa says, squinting at a window on the cabin. “I just saw Armin and the others come back.”  
“Where’d they go again?” you ask as the three of you start walking back from where you’d been out behind it.  
“They went to the town this morning. You were sleeping.”  
“Jean shouldn’t have gone,” you roll your eyes. “He’s overworking himself for no reason.”

Strangely, Historia gives you some kind of vague look from the corner of her eye.

“He said he’d let Eren do the cleaning since he always complains about us doing it wrong.” Mikasa tells you as you near the door.  
“...He’s not wrong about that,” you mutter.

Since you’ve been here, Eren hasn’t had a lot to do, so he’s taken to cleaning at Levi’s level of obsession. He’s right that the Corporal does get annoyed if the place isn’t clean, but in turn, it annoys _you_ to get snapped at for not triple-dusting the underneath of the table.

“We’re back,” Mikasa says once the door to the cabin shuts behind you.

Jean and Eren seem to have been arguing over something, but they’re cut off by Armin’s gasp.

“Wait a minute, were you out there cutting firewood?” 

“Gotta stay in shape,” says Mikasa.  
“You got grabbed by a titan, you should stay in bed!” Armin exclaims, fingers raking through his hair. “Mikasa, have some sense!”  
“I try to stop her, but she won’t listen,” you hear Eren mutter from across the room.

“Over here,” you say to Historia as Eren and Jean start going at it again. You walk across the room to the living area and kneel by the fireplace, beginning to place the chopped wood inside. Historia starts making a stack about a foot away.

You work quietly, sort of ignoring the commotion going on a few feet away, up until you hear Jean using his scolding, pissed off voice.

“Will you quit it with the bread-stealing!”  
"I didn't steal anything!"  
“Just give it back,” Connie says, sounding bored.  
“Hey, focus, we need to finish cleaning before the Corporal gets back,” Eren snaps.  
“Put the bread back, Sasha,” Armin pleads.

“Good God,” you mutter under your breath. 

Then your head snaps to the side, thinking you’ve just heard a puff of air leave Historia’s nose- the way you chuckle at something when you’re trying to be quiet. 

But the door the cabin opens again, and you end up looking over at Levi walking through the door. 

“What’s this commotion about?” he asks, his eyes ever so droopy and his voice ever so uninterested.

Silently, you watch as he slides his hand underneath the dining table, then lifts it up to inspect it.

“I’m fairly sure I gave you enough time,” Levi drawls, seeming unimpressed.

_Shit._

You really should’ve just triple-dusted it.

“Anyways,” the Corporal continues, wiping off his hand with a handkerchief. “We’ll discuss your lax cleaning job another time. Eren, Hange is itching to get the experimenting started.”  
“Alright,” Eren says, standing a little straighter. “Um, today?”  
“She’ll be here at sunset.” 

With a sigh, Levi heads to his room. “I have some paperwork to go over. Two of you go on watch. Someone cook something. The rest of you, finish cleaning. Call me when Four-eyes gets here.”

 

You slump over onto the rail of the watchtower, cheek pressed against your hands as they curl around the barrier. The sun glints into your eyes, causing you to squint as you attempt to stay alert.

Being pretty bad at cooking and very lazy at cleaning has led to your friends somewhat pressuring you into going on watch for the sake of everyone’s stomachs and Levi’s attitude.

You’re on the left tower as usual, Connie over on the right one. You can’t really look that way in this position, but last you saw, he was sitting down with his hood pulled up, and you think he might actually be taking a nap. 

You can’t blame him, though. Connie’s been doing a good job of hiding his pain, but every so often you glance over at him and he has that expression… that sort of empty one. The one people get when they’re struggling to feel like they have something to live for. 

You can never know what that would feel like- losing all of your family at once. That happened gradually to you. You don’t really have any family left, besides kind of Levi, but it’s hard to count him.  
If you had to come up with a family, you’d probably pick the people right here. Sasha and Mikasa for sure, even Historia and Connie.  
And… Eren and Jean.  
Not that they feel like brothers to you. They don’t. They’re just… like family. But not like brothers.  
Though you’re not sure why the whole brother idea is so weird to you. 

Your head snaps up as you realize there’s someone approaching- hearing the clop of horse hooves at the same time you see a wagon. Luckily, even with the sun glaring in your eyes, you can make out Survey Corps insignias.

And soon after, Captain Hange.

“Cadet! Who’s up there?” she calls up to you as soon as the wagon stops below the watchtower.  
You pull your hood down. “It’s Y/N L/N.”

At this, Hange claps, a bright smile taking over her face. “Great! I’m here to get Eren’s experiments going! Can you let Levi know?”  
“Sure thing,” you call down as you grab your gun from where it was leaning beside you.

A few minutes later, you stroll into the cabin, swinging the gun over your shoulder.

“Captain Hange’s here,” you announce to your friends that seem to be standing around doing nothing. You give Jean and Armin a weird look as they glance up at you from the table, both of them holding playing cards. “Did you guys finish cleaning?”

“Yup,” Eren answers you, hands in his pockets as he leans against the table. “Historia and Mikasa are cooking dinner right now. Can the experiment wait?”

You shrug, walking past him. “Gotta ask Levi.”

_Knock knock knock._

“Come in,” Levi says, his voice muffled through the wooden door.

His room here is a cramped mix of a desk and chair, multiple chests, a rack with wire hangers he must have specifically transported so that he wouldn’t have to fold clothes, and a bed with perfectly pressed hospital corners.

“Captain Hange’s here,” you repeat what you just said to the others.  
“I heard,” Levi responds, scribbling away at something.  
“Eren wants to know if we can eat dinner before starting the experimenting,” you say, folding your hands behind your back.  
“I’m sure he does.”  
“So… can we?”

The corporal looks up, shaking his head ever so slightly at you. “Obviously. He needs energy. Just make sure to invite Four-eyes so we don’t look like assholes.”

“Yes, sir.” you nod your head and leave the room, closing the door behind you quickly before Levi can add anything else to his statement.

 

“Good luck, Eren!” you shout down from your place up on top of the cliff. His face looks small from here, but something about the expression paired with a wimpy thumbs up the boy sends back doesn’t look so good.

You frown, turning to Armin at your side. “Just me, or does Eren seem nervous?”  
“It’s not just you,” the blond says, his piercing eyes focused down on the clearing below you. 

“Y/N!” Captain Hange addresses you sharply, in a much more serious mood than she had been the last time you helped her out with Eren’s experimenting.  
“Yes, Captain?” you ask, giving a quick salute.

Surprisingly, she hands you the very same journal you’d scribbled down in your painfully bad handwriting a lot of observations before. “I want you to take down everything you see or hear. If Armin makes note of something, write that down too.”

“Yes, ma’am,” you nod, drawing the pencil out from the binding on the side of the journal.

“Make a sketch of how he looks right now,” Armin whispers to you as Hange begins to call down confirmations to Eren. “After he transforms you can compare the scale.”

“Good idea,” you mumble, eyes flashing between Eren on the ground and the yellowish page of the journal.

“All set?” Hange shouts.  
“He’s ready!” Jean shouts back.

You look closely, leaning forward slightly to watch as Eren slowly draws his hand up to his mouth. He does it with little conviction.

_Oh, ought to write that down._

You wince as you watch him bite down on his skin, looking away as that now-familiar crack! sounds out around you, accompanied by the bright beam of lightning-like light, glowing green and gold.

You start writing down the thought you’d just had, before the dust clears and you can see Eren again.

_Huh?_

“Something’s not right,” Armin mutters.

Eren’s titan lets out a roar, but it looks… pathetic, frankly, as it flails its arms and then topples to the ground unceremoniously.

You write that down.

“What’s wrong, Eren?” Hange yells. “Get up!”

“His body looks skinny,” Armin comments again.

You write that down, checking for yourself. It does look way skinnier than usual- the arms are stick thin, the upper body a little muscular. The lower half is gravely thin, the titan’s ribcage freakishly prominent.

“He’s not quite the same this time. He’s not even ten meters,” you hear Levi say from a few feet away. “Plus, his ass is hanging out.”

_Woah, it really is._

You squint as Hange starts to exclaim how she can see that. Almost Eren’s whole body isn’t inside the titan like it typically is. You can even see some of his shoulders. 

“Eren! Can you still move?” Hange shouts, leaning over the cliff. “Give us a signal or something!”

But rather than wait for Eren to do something on his own, you watch as Mikasa jumps off of her horse, drawing her blades.

“There she goes again,” you hum, looking back down to sketch out Eren’s comparative size and appearance before Mikasa cuts him out.

“Cadet L/N!”

You glance to your side, tilting your head as Moblit, Hange’s assistant, holds up a journal of his own. 

“Stay up here, it could be dangerous by the titan body, you got burnt last time,” he tells you firmly. “I’ll take notes instead.”

“Oh, um… sure,” you respond slowly, but Moblit has already taken off before you finish talking.

You and Armin turn to face the Corporal, who is looking down at Eren with a touch of bitterness.  
You don’t miss it, because you can feel a little of that yourself.

“Looks like we’ve got a long road ahead… before we can seal Wall Maria.” Levi says, glancing away from the scene on the ground to turn towards you and Armin instead. You watch a little longer, though, as Hange yanks Eren from the nape of the titan, Mikasa cutting him away while the disfigured body below them all steams.

“I knew it’d be a long shot from the start,” Armin mumbles.  
Levi shakes his head. “Don’t be hard on yourself. Strategically, this is a good plan. Instead of hauling supplies the whole way, all we need to bring is Eren. Whether or not it stays a long shot depends on him.”

You can’t seem to tug the frown from your face as your eyes flash between Levi and Armin to your left, Historia on your right, and everyone else on the ground far below.

“Experiment over! All soldiers, disperse!” 

Hange’s call draws your attention back to Levi solely. He sighs, wiping gently at his forehead with the back of his hand.

“Armin, Y/N, go ahead. Historia, go with Eren. I’m heading to Trost along with Hange.” 

“Yes, sir,” the three of you say. 

You and Armin start walking together, already knowing that Historia will purposefully hang behind you.

“I’m worried about this,” Armin says as soon as you get out of range for the Corporal to hear you. You look over at him, surprised that he’s airing his concerns so openly. Armin usually thinks alone, and only speaks up when he’s sure of something. Now, he’s frowning, blue eyes focused on the ground.

“...Me too.”

The boy looks over at you, matching your gaze. “If this doesn’t work… if Eren can’t plug the hole in Wall Maria… I don’t think he’ll be the only one that’ll die,” Armin looks back down at the dirt under your boots. You notice his fists clench. “I think we all will.”

You hesitate to answer.

Nobody knows what the enemy is thinking.  
What they’re planning.  
Nobody even knows who the enemy really is.

“I think you’re right,” you say, as you come into the clearing where all of your horses were left. Mikasa is carrying Eren up to the wagon where they’ll probably both sit. Sasha and Connie are already mounted on their horses, looking grim. Jean seems to be somewhere deep in his mind, clutching onto the reins as he stands beside his horse.

“So let’s hope it does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg... i just want to say sorry hahaha  
> this chapter is a little shorter than i would like and its also over a week late, and it's not even that exciting so i apologize guys  
> ive had a ridiculous amount of schoolwork since this is my last week of high school (EVER!! like wow weird) but we are pretty much out of the woods now so i shouldnt be as busy as of this friday!!
> 
> once again sorry for the long wait and i hope this chapter isnt disappointing like todays game of thrones episode was (but todays attack on titan episode wasnt lol)
> 
> thanks for reading as always and thank you for 2500 hits!!


	33. thirty one - mortality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: minor/brief panic attack in this chapter

“...You can’t do that, Y/N.” 

Your eyes slide up from the chess board on the table to match Armin’s as he cringes, trying to avoid looking at you. He tugs at his fingers, seeming agitated.

“I know it might not make sense, but-”  
“I’m one hundred percent sure that Sasha did that exact move three days ago.”

Armin glances back up, his head tilting. “...She did?”  
You nod, squinting. “She did.”

A moment of silence passes between you two, the boy across the table wearing a slightly uncomfortable expression.

“Well… Y/N, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not a real chess move-”

_“Hange and the others are here! Everyone come to the front room!”_

The chess game forgotten, you and Armin stand up right away. You poke your head into the kitchen first in case whoever is in there didn’t hear.

“Hey, guys, Hange’s arrived-” you say, and stop abruptly as your breath catches awkwardly in your throat when you see Eren and Historia, standing maybe a foot apart in front of the stove.

“Oh, right, we’re coming,” Eren says, seeming absent-minded.

You frown, turning away and walking quickly across the living room and to the front, Armin trailing behind you.

The blond boy looks back at Eren and Historia, and then back at you as you unconsciously toss your hair over your shoulder, footsteps heavier than usual. 

He sighs.

 

“Everyone sit down,” Captain Hange says, already seated in one of the armchairs by the door. She looks far more tired to you than she did a couple of days ago when she came for Eren’s experiment- her eyes are weighed down by dark bags underneath them, and her hair is messy and ragged. 

You take a seat between Jean and Sasha at the dining table, Jean sliding you a small cup of Levi’s gross tea. You nod silently in thanks, the news Captain Hange spilled a few minutes ago still spinning in your head.

That pastor… the one you looked at with hateful eyes, thinking about how much pain the Wallists caused you.  
Did you wish he would die back then? You can’t really remember.  
Either way, he’s dead now.

Murdered by the Military Police, in barracks that were meant to protect him.

“I figured the Church would want to get a hold of Nick because he had spoken to us. That’s why I hid his identity and had him stay in the barracks, but to think that they would have soldiers kill him...” Hange sighs, shaking her head. “I was careless. I didn’t see it coming at all. It’s my fault that he died.”

Levi takes a long sip of tea in the silence. 

“The Military Police,” Armin starts with a frown. Everyone turns to look towards him. “Did they torture Pastor Nick just to find out what information he told us?”  
“Most likely,” Levi answers, setting down his cup. “But it was the Interior officers, which means there’s something more to it. So,” he turns to Hange. “How many nails were ripped off?”

Your stomach turns, and Sasha flinches at your side.

“Huh?” Captain Hange’s brows draw tightly together.  
“You saw, right? How many?”

She shakes her head slightly. “I only caught a glimpse of him, but all the fingers I could see were empty.”

The Corporal nods, relaxing in his chair. “The people that talk do it after one gets ripped off. If they don’t, peeling more won’t make a difference.”

 _God._  
_Too many details._

“I thought Pastor Nick was an idiot, but… He didn’t turn away from what he believed, all the way till the very end.” Levi sighs, looking down at the table. “In any case, that means they don’t know we’ve caught wind of the Reiss family. Though, someone in their government has their eye on us, for certain.”

Your eyes also slide down to the cup of tea in front of you, your reflection looking brown and murky. You watch your own eyes blink open and close. You imagine that Wallist’s eyes closing for the last time.

You shake your head.

The door opens and closes quickly as a redhead walks with purpose into the front room.

“Captain Levi,” she says, sounding out of breath as she approaches said man, and hands him a scroll. “A message from the Commander.”

Levi opens the paper as the scout keeps talking. “I went to tell him about Pastor Nick, but he just sent me off with this.”

Almost as soon as the last word leaves her mouth, Levi stands, speaking louder and more firmly than he usually ever does. “Everyone out, now. We leave immediately. Leave no trace of us staying here behind.”

“What?” you all chorus in whispers and gasps. 

“Don’t sit around being shocked, get moving,” Levi snaps, placing the paper in his coat pocket. “Pack your bags and get out!”

 

The trigger on your rifle feels cold when your finger momentarily loops around it, head snapping to the left.

“That’s a rabbit,” Sasha whispers, glancing back at you, her eyes gleaming against the darkness of the trees.

You nod, letting out a sigh of relief.

“Up this way,” Levi calls out, his voice low and just quiet enough for you all to hear. “We should have a good vantage point from here.”

You hike through the dense forest, on a steep upward incline littered with roots that stick out of the ground and tug at your boots. At least you didn’t wear a skirt today.

You stop behind the rest of the group on a small plateau at the top of the hill, the trees thinner here. 

“Wow,” you hum, browns setting as you look out at the cabin, far below.  
“Scary,” Jean mutters from your side. Your eyes flash up at him, finding his jaw clenched tightly.  
Gaze falling back to the cabin, you shake your head. “What were they even planning to do with us? Put us in jail?”

“There’s been a new law put in place,” Levi says, although he’s far enough away that you guess someone else asked a similar question. “They’re freezing all Scout activity outside the wall. They want us to hand over Eren and Historia.”

You frown. Again with this shit? Does the government not realize that Eren is the only way that you’ll be able to get back Wall Maria at this rate?  
And Historia… she told you they wanted to kill her, back then. Now they want her back? Are they planning to kill her now?

“By the way, right after the Commander gave me the message, the Military Police came for him,” the scout girl who brought Levi that paper speaks up, frowning.

“What?! That’s treating him like some sort of criminal!” Captain Hange exclaims, throwing her hands in the air.  
Levi’s voice is low and dark. “Someone doesn’t want to work from the shadows anymore.” he shifts, grip tightening on his gun. “They’re moving for all eyes to see.”  
“To go that far just to protect the Wall’s secrets…” Hange sighs, deep frown lines pulling her forehead down. “Moreover, I don’t see why they want us to hand over Historia and Eren. To kill, or just to have?”  
“Who knows?” says Levi. “Either way, it’s clear that someone is after these two. Loitering around here is dangerous. We’ll move the two of them to Trost.”

You have the same reaction that everyone else seems to, and Moblit expresses it with concern.

“But that’s where Pastor Nick was just killed.”

“It’s a worse idea to head deeper into the Interior,” Levi replies, eyes narrow. “With Trost in a panic, it should be easier to slip in. And if it somehow comes down to it, we can maneuver in the city.”

You look down at the scabbards under your heavy green cloak, and the straps not super well-concealed around your whole body. Subconsciously, you tug the cloak tighter around yourself as the Corporal continues.

“Plus, not knowing who the enemy is puts us in a tough spot. We need to find out who’s behind this.” his look hardens further. “Hange, lend me some of your squad.”

“Of course,” she replies, then places a thumb to her chin, looking worried. “I’ll go after Erwin. Moblit, you’re with me. The rest of you follow Levi.”  
“Roger that!” her squad says affirmatively, as Hange and Moblit turn to mount their horses.

“Captain Hange!” Eren says, causing her to look back. You tilt your head, curious as he extends his hand, holding in it a folded paper. “Here. I remembered a conversation between Ymir and Bertholdt. Didn’t have time to tell you, but it’s all here.”  
“Alright, I’ll take a look at it later,” she nods, tucking it into her coat pocket and climbing up on the horse’s saddle. “Good luck to all of you.”  
“As to you,” Levi responds, and with that, Captain and Hange and Moblit ride off into the forest, out of sight in just a few seconds.

The Corporal turns to the rest of you. “We move out immediately. We’ll ride till we reach a town with a few small inns, and split up to sleep for the night. I’ll decide on a meeting spot for tomorrow morning before we split up. Once we rendezvous, I’ll have a plan. Roger?”  
“Yes, sir!”

 

_“Will you get your shirt off of my bed?!”_  
_“Excuse me? That’s my bed!”_  
_“Is that some kind of joke, you bastard?!”_

You groan, shoving your face into your pillow, and in a muffled voice grumble, “Will they ever shut up?”

Mikasa’s light, brief chuckle sounds out. “Maybe.”

“I don’t know how much longer I can listen to this,” you roll over onto your back, head turned sideways to look at your friend, who seems peaceful and relaxed.  
She shrugs, or at least tries in her position. “It’s not that bad. They stopped for a while before.”  
“And now they’re starting up again!” You let out another deep groan, throwing your arm over your eyes. “It’s a good thing this inn is pretty empty tonight, or they’d have been kicked out by now.”

“You’re probably right about that.”

_“Don’t touch my toothbrush!”_  
_“You don’t even own a toothbrush, horse-face!”_  
_“Wha- of course I fucking do! And that one’s mine!”_

“That’s it.” you snap up, pushing off the bed with a death glare like no other. “I mean, this is the last night of semi-comfortable rest we’re gonna get in who knows how long, and they wanna spend it arguing?”

Mikasa hums, but you think she’s half-asleep by now.

“I’m going to tell them to be quiet,” you tell her, even though her eyes are shut. 

You huff, flexing your fingers so you’re not super high-strung. Then you take a quick peek in the polished silver on the wall (it reminds you of the orphanage… before you ever saw a real mirror) and smooth your hair down, then brush the dust off of your light shirt and pants.

You open and close your door quietly, padding out into the hall and glancing up and down to make sure there’s nobody sketchy around. The coast looks clear, so you walk a few steps down to Room 06, and knock on the door.

_“You answer it. You stole my toothbrush.”_  
_“You left your clothes on my bed.”_  
_“But you’re closer.”_  
_“By what, one foot?!”_

“Open the fucking door,” you hiss, knowing they’ll hear you through the thin wood.

You hear some scrambling, and then the door opens to Eren’s face, Jean standing just behind him.

“Hey, Y/N,” Eren says, his expression a cross between surprised and concerned. “Everything okay?”

You look behind you quickly, then push past Eren into their room. He shuts the door, now just seeming confused. You cross your arms, eyes narrowed.

“First of all, are you two idiots? That could’ve been the MPs knocking, and instead of being quiet and getting prepared for a confrontation, you start fighting over who has to get up to answer the door? Are you kidding?”

Jean and Eren look sheepishly at each other, then back at you with downcast eyes.

“Sorry-”

You wave your hand. “Don’t bother apologizing. Second, you two need to shut the fuck up. I’ve been trying to go to sleep for an hour. How many things can you possibly disagree on?”

Again, they’re both quiet, avoiding looking directly at you. Eren rubs his arm, and Jean the back of his neck. 

You let a few moments of awkward silence pass to pressure them, then sigh. “Listen, just go to sleep. Okay?”

“You got it, Y/N,” Eren says, flashing a thumbs up. “We’ll get in bed as soon as you step outside that door.”  
“And be more careful about answering the door,” Jean adds, nodding. 

You give them a weird look. “Ew. Don’t treat me like your teacher. It’s uncomfortable.”

With that, you step past them again and turn the doorknob, opening the door about halfway. You slip out and get ready to close it behind you when Eren’s tan hand lands on the wood.

You raise your eyebrows, looking at him expectantly. 

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Eren says, reaching forward and tussling the hair you’d just fixed. He closes the door.

You stand in the hall, staring at the numbers 06 carved into the wood in front of you, feeling a heat in your cheeks you can’t attribute to anything. 

You shake your head violently, and stalk back into your own room, shutting the door with a little more strength than intended and locking it with the key on the side table. 

At least they really did end up being quiet. 

 

You brush a hand through your hair, enjoying the little breeze brushing against your cheeks as you emerge from the dark alleyways of Trost, walking beside Mikasa.

“Try not to walk in a cluster,” Levi says, his voice quiet. “We’ll stand out.”

“Yeah, because the long cloaks don’t already do that,” Connie mutters from somewhere behind you. You’re sure that Levi hears him, but he doesn’t react. At least audibly. He probably rolled his eyes.

“Eren, Historia, just walk normally.” Levi adds.

You spare a glance to the back of the group, feeling the pressure of a laugh building in your chest, but swallowing it down without changing your expression at all. You look back to the front, trying to walk with confidence.

“Why’s the royal family’s flag hanging all over the place?” Connie asks, louder this time.  
“Today must be the anniversary of the King’s Coronation,” Sasha says, sounding a little wowed by the idea. “Once a year, they hand out a whole lot of rations to commemorate it.”

That’s true, as far as you’ve heard. Somehow, the King always managed to send extra food to the places that were the unhappiest with the government at the time. But he never seemed to get to the Underground.

Almost like it’s on cue, you hear someone shout, “We’ll start handing out the rations now!”

Your head turns to a stage with two Military Police soldiers standing in front of large flags, a few crates of what you guess must be the food beside them. 

“King Fritz has heard of the hardship in Trost District and will donate out of the royal family’s reserves to help! There’s enough for everyone, line up orderly and you’ll receive a fair share!”

You roll your eyes, unable to help the tsk that comes out of your mouth. 

“What a King! He’s pretty generous, huh?” Sasha comments. You shake your head at her.  
“He just makes it seem like that.”

“Let’s keep going,” says Levi.

 

Twenty minutes later, an anxious feeling is rising up in your chest. It’s taking everything you have not to look behind you, or talk about the plan at all. All of this pretend-calm walking and pretend-calm small conversations about the city and the current event going on is making you feel more and more on edge. 

“Hey, do you see that bakery?” Sasha points across the street. “Those turnovers look really good.”  
“Can you be hungry some other time?” you mutter, nails digging into your palms as you let out a shaky breath.  
“You look pale, Y/N,” Mikasa says, frowning.  
“I’m fine,” you say back, squeezing your hands into fists.

You all keep walking, but you tuck your hands inside of your cloak, resting just above the triggers on your maneuver gear.

“Levi,” you whisper after a few more minutes. He doesn’t look back. “I think-”  
“Quiet,” he snaps, stopping in his track. You stop behind him, your whole body tensing up. A couple of seconds go by, and then he whips around, shouting out. “Watch out! Behind us!”

You look behind you and yelp, jumping back out of the way of a wagon barreling down the street.

“Arm- I mean, Christa and Eren!” Sasha shouts, looking genuinely worried. You can’t help but still feel nervous, even though this part of the plan has gone as it was meant to. 

“Alright, gather round,” Levi says, gesturing for you, Sasha, Connie, and Mikasa to dip into an alleyway quickly. “Follow the plan exactly. You’re responsible for getting those two back. Understood?”  
“Yes, sir!”  
“Move out.”

You turn and start running, yanking the hood of your cloak over your head.

_Alright, Kirschtein… hopefully this is the last time you ever have to dress up like Eren._

 

Your eyes narrow as you watch the wagon with Jean and Armin on it stop outside of some warehouse looking thing. They’re both tied at the wrists, and get dragged inside by two guys.

You slide down the roof to the very edge, looking across to the street behind the warehouse where Connie and Sasha are crouched on the roof of a house. You give them a sharp nod as soon as you see Mikasa and Levi land north of you.

The two of them zip across and to the roof of the warehouse right away, being out of sight. You wait until things have cleared out a little before following suit.

“Should we head inside?” Connie asks quietly once you meet up with them on the opposite side to where the people went in.  
You nod. “You head in on this side. I’ll go in on the other, on the north end. Sasha, take the south end. Remember to scout for anyone coming towards this area and anyone inside the building. We have to find the room they put Jean and Armin in first and foremost.”  
“Sounds good,” Sasha whispers, tucking her bow over her shoulder. 

You nod sharply, and then making as little noise as possible, creep down the other side of the roof and slip inside one of the open windows, unhooking your gear from the roof right away.

Surprised, your eyes widen when you see Jean getting tied to a chair on the floor a ways below you.

“You two just relax,” the man who tugs at the knots around Jean’s wrists says. His hair is dirty blond and he looks sweaty. You cringe in disgust as he steps back and regards Armin from where he’s standing. “So you’re this special girl, huh? I like your golden hair.”

He starts walking and keeps talking, trying to tune out the revolting comments the man is making about who he thinks is Historia’s but is really Armin’s body. 

Across the room behind the other rafters, you see Connie duck inside. He gives you a thumbs up and you nod back, then gesturing with your chin to suggest he check if anyone else is around. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you watch Sasha crouch behind a pillar, silently pulling her bow off of her shoulder and loading it with an arrow. 

“You are pretty, aren’t you?” the man on the bottom floor asks, now twirling a piece of Armin’s fake extensions. His hands slide over your friend’s shoulders, Armin beginning to tremble slightly, both avoiding the man’s eyes and glancing at him in what looks to you like horror. 

Your eyes drift to Jean instead, ignoring the sick feeling rising in your stomach as you see the man begin to grope Armin. 

_Think about Jean instead think about Jean instead think about Jean instead._

He looks sweaty, too. You’re not sure if it’s the wig or how uncomfortable he must be watching this scene go on in front of him. It’s also just pretty hot in this warehouse. 

“You like that, don’t you?” your eyes snap to the man leaning his nose in to the crook of Armin’s neck as your friend desperately cranes away. The man’s hands clutch on. “Let me hear you moan, come on.”

You flinch, breath quickening, and your hands come up to cover your ears involuntarily. They shake as you press tightly, turning away from the vantage point and staring at the floor instead.

You squeeze your eyes shut when you realize you can still hear the man talking, along with Armin’s panicked noises.

_I hate this I hate this I hate this-_

_Just think about Jean. You gotta get him out of here._

Jean. Jean is kind to you. You changed clothes in his room, and slept in his bed. And he didn’t touch you. 

Your hands keep shaking.

You have to get him out of here. He wouldn’t let this happen to Armin if it wasn’t part of the plan. Because he wouldn’t let this happen to you.  
Why was this part of the plan?  
But you couldn’t have known… Levi couldn’t have known that someone like this would be the guard.

You force your eyes open and draw your hands from your ears, steeling yourself. It’ll be fine.  
You have to get Jean out, anyway.

You meet Sasha’s eyes, down the rafters from you. Her brows are drawn together, and her eyes are wide. 

‘Are you okay?’ she mouths, gesturing to you.  
You nod, and turn away, peeking outside the open window. Mikasa isn’t at the spot she was with Levi at before. She must have snuck inside already.

“Won’t you say a few words already? I want to hear your voice. I’m sure it’s cute enough. You could say my na- _mmph!_ ” 

Your head whips around as the man’s voice is cut off. Mikasa has a cloth stuffed in his mouth, and before he can even really start struggling, she brings her hand down in a knife-shape on his neck. Exactly on the carotid artery. That was something they taught in training, but you never actually practiced on each other.

The man’s head lolls immediately and he becomes dead weight in Mikasa’s arms. She quickly and quietly drags him behind a few crates, crouching there herself.

You wait a few minutes, feeling much less tense now that that asshole is knocked out.

_Step. Step. Step._

“You’re sure, without a doubt, that it’s Eren and Christa?”

You watch two men walk in, chatting casually about the kidnapping that has just taken place. Two more follow in behind them.

“Yes, they match the description.”

They walk past the crate that Mikasa was hiding behind, and then stop, looking around, all of them frowning.

“Huh?” the first man to talk says. “Where’s the guard?”

In a moment that seems to go by all too fast and yet so slow, Mikasa gives you the smallest nod, and pushes out from behind the crate. 

You jump from the rafters, tackling the redheaded man near the front of the group at the same time that Mikasa takes on one in the back. You grunt as the man squirms, trying to reach a gun is his waistband. You grab his wrist and twist it back, kicking the gun away as he drops it and flipping him over so that his chin slams into the ground. You tie his wrists together with the rope you’d hung on your belt.

When you look up, Mikasa has already disarmed and tied up the man who had come in the back, and Armin and Jean have both escaped and taken care of the man in the front and the other man from the back.

“Connie! You’re sure that was everyone?” Mikasa shouts up to the rafters.  
“Yeah, that’s all of them! There’s nobody else in the area!” the boy shouts back. You keep holding down the man you had, but your eyes widen as you notice the man Jean has yet to tie up pulling a gun from underneath him.

“Jean-!”

_Thunk._

You nearly flinch as a perfectly aimed arrow lands directly on the gun, nailing it to the floor. Jean gasps, but his look hardens and he grabs the man’s wrists, tying them quickly.

“If you try anything again, who knows where I’ll hit next?” Sasha yells down from her place up above.

“Alright, let’s finish tying these guys up and then meet up with the Corporal.” Mikasa says, standing.  
“What?” Armin asks, frowning. Mikasa brushes her hair behind her ear.  
“Those were his updated orders. He has a message, too.” her eyes narrow. “Corporal Levi said that from now on, it’s not just titans we’ll be fighting.”

Your eyebrows draw together. 

“So… he means that we should be prepared to kill… humans?” Armin’s voice is shaky. You look over at him, and see that his hands are trembling slightly.

You stand up, and straighten out your cloak. “We were already doing that. Just think of them as the enemy. Let’s move out.”

Armin gives you a strange look, but Mikasa nods. “Good idea.”

 

The five of you stand atop the roof of the warehouse building, Jean and Armin wearing their cloaks again. 

“Did he say where he was going?” Jean asks, squinting out across the city. “I know this place, but there’s no way to find him unless he had some sort of marker in mind.”  
Mikasa shakes her head. “I’m assuming he just meant he was going to track down the wagon with Eren and Historia. But I don’t know where it could be by now.”  
“Maybe we should split up,” Connie suggests, shrugging when you all give him doubtful looks. “Well, someone has to get in contact.”  
“But then how will the rest of us know?” you shake your head. “We should just lay low and try to go towards the Military Outpost where Commander Pixis is.”  
“I agree,” Jean says. “That’s the safest bet.”

“Wait, guys-” Sasha holds up her hand, frowning. “I hear… gunshots! I hear gunshots! Coming from that way!” she points across the city. 

“You think something happened?” Jean mutters, quieter so that only you and Mikasa who are standing nearby can hear.  
“Most likely,” Mikasa looks down at the ground, stony. “These are probably the people the Corporal warned us about.”

“So you mean… we have to fight them already- hey, Mikasa!” 

Jean calls out, but the girl has already shot off of the roof, in the direction that Sasha pointed.

“She’s after Eren,” you sigh. “Alright, guys, let’s all head that way too. Try to fly low so the MPs don’t notice us. If we’re in danger of being shot…” you look each of your friends in the eyes. “Just be careful, I guess.”

Sasha and Connie nod sharply, and take off without another word. Jean stands in front of you still, not yet moving. You wait for him to talk, tilting your head.

“...You really think we might have to kill someone?” he eventually says, jaw tight.  
Tense, you nod. “There’s always a chance.”  
Jean sighs harshly, wiping a hand across his forehead. “God… I know what you said is true, but watching a human die and knowing you did it. Somebody that looks like a human, I mean…”  
You look him in the eyes. “If it’s your life or theirs, who would you rather die?” 

He stares back at you, silent.

“It’s not that bad if you tell yourself they deserved it,” you mutter, pushing your hair behind you and grabbing onto your triggers. “Let’s go.”

Jean watches you for a moment after you depart, his grip on the triggers of his gear tightening. 

He shakes his head, lets go to wipe both hands over his face this time.  
And takes off after you.

 

You zip through the air after Mikasa, already having passed Connie and Sasha who trail close behind. 

“Just up ahead!” Sasha exclaims.  
You don’t look back, but you know her senses are exact. Narrowing your eyes, you fly lower, nerves building up in the pit of your stomach.

You don’t know exactly what you’re up against here. That’s what’s scary.

“Ah!” you yelp and yank yourself to the left, twisting around to try and understand what you just saw.

Someone with maneuver gear, but guns instead of blades… firing at Levi?

“Y/N! Are you okay?” 

You get back into a swing and shout back a yes to Sasha. 

The five of you continue together, and pass coincidentally over Levi who must have dodged the shots.

“Chase the wagon! They have Eren and Historia!” he shouts, wiping at blood on his face, and then pushing off the wall to join you.

You squint, looking down at the wagon that’s barreling down the streets of Trost as Levi keeps talking.

“Listen up! They’re used to fighting other people, they already killed three Scouts.”

Your eyes widen, but you stay focused on the man in front of Eren on the wagon, holding his gun out like he’s waiting for a good shot at one of you.

“If we’re going to get those two back, you can’t hesitate!” Levi snaps, looking cold. “If you get the chance, you kill! Got it?”  
“...Roger that,” Mikasa answers.

She’ll do anything to get Eren back. That’s something you’ve already learned.

Levi swings down without another word, firing his hooks straight into the man who had his gun aimed at you, and yanks back the wires so that the man goes flying behind him. Blood splatters onto the street, a vendor screaming in horror at the brutality.

You try not to cringe. 

“Jean! Armin! Secure the wagon, we’ll cover you!” Levi calls out.

“Yes, sir!” Armin shouts back, and immediately dives for the wagon, Jean following closely behind. Your hands tense around your triggers, and in a split-second, you dive after them, watching as the woman driving the wagon turns, her finger on the trigger of a pistol.

“Hnng- _ugh!_ ” you ram your feet into her, wincing at the slight pain in your ankle but satisfied with how she topples over, gasping out a hoarse sound as she hits the floor of the wagon.

You swing back up with the momentum, and quickly dodge a few shots, eyes wide and afraid as it really sets in that people are trying to kill you right now. The woman who fired at you makes a dive towards you, seemingly reloading her gun by how cartridges drop out below her. You grip your swords and jerk to the right, flipping over and savagely raking one blade across her neck. The skin splits open down to the bone, and immediately her head lolls backwards, barely connected to the rest of her body as blood spews out onto your cloak.

“Jean!”

Your head whips around when you hear somebody scream his name, panic striking your chest in a way you haven’t felt in a while. It feels almost primal, the deep fear that you feel in the moment you see the barrel of a gun to Jean’s forehead, the same woman you knocked over bracing the trigger, her finger over it again like it had been. 

It feels slow, so horribly slow- you’re too far away to save him, so is Mikasa, you should have killed that woman, you should have done more the first time- _Jean is going to die!_

And things feel black as soon as that thought crosses your mind. 

_Bang!_

You’re snapped back into reality by a painfully loud explosive sound, the panic in your heart rising exponentially- you dive at a dangerous speed to the wagon, ready to cut the woman in half-

And then it’s her head that was blown open.

Armin stands behind her, a smoking gun in his hand, and Jean looks on, shaking fiercely.

You pull away, watching Mikasa do the same, but you can’t shake off this horrible feeling that’s making your hands tremble, unable to focus anymore as you land on a roof, half-heartedly watching out for someone who might be trying to shoot you.

You turn back to look out at where the wagon was a moment ago and see it passing through the city gates towards Wall Rose, Mikasa desperately trying to follow and being held back by the Corporal. The last of the gunslingers seem to have gone along with the wagon.

So you’d lost Eren. Again.

You sigh, tucking your blades into their scabbards and pressing the heels of your palms against your eyes, wiping at them. After a few seconds, you stand tall again, looking around for the rest of your friends, landing on them standing atop a roof a couple streets away.

You fire off, quickly making it over now that you don’t have to watch out for gunshots. 

It’s a rough landing on the tiles of the roof, you stumble a little like you so often do (even though you’ve been trying hard not to recently). 

Sasha and Connie greet you, and you nod back, but your eyes are on Jean. He’s standing a little bit away from them- Armin is doing the same. 

You walk over to Jean. He doesn’t even look up at you, just staring at the bloodstained tiles under your feet with a faraway expression.

“Jean,” you say quietly. At this, he glances up, meeting your gaze. You look at each other for a few seconds, and then, throwing caution out the window, you wrap your arms around his waist and press your cheek against his shoulder, squeezing tightly.

He’s quiet too, but he wraps his arms around you and holds tight just the same, tucking his face into the crook of your neck. You can feel his hands shaking.

There are a lot of things you want to say in that moment. 

_Why didn’t you shoot her right away?_  
_You should’ve listened to me._  
_Do you even know how scared I was?_  
_Please don’t do that again._  
_Don’t… don’t make me think you’ll leave me._

But you don’t say anything. You just try to breathe evenly against the brown fabric of Jean’s cloak, and let him shudder and shake against you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i actually managed to update today! (its still friday in my timezone so im counting it lol)
> 
> this chapter is a bit of a longer one to make up for the longer wait, also because there was a decent amount to fit in with where i wanted to end it. theres a lot here that isnt in the original story so i hope you guys enjoy some fresh convos hahaha
> 
> as always i hope you enjoy and i will try to get back to the friday updates from now on! thank you so much for reading!!


	34. thirty two - justified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for 3000 hits~

The room is dark. It’s almost unrecognizable against the image you have in your head from earlier- the grayish, dingy and large warehouse floor with Jean and Armin tied up in the center of it. Now, Jean is sitting to your side, his caramel eyes reflecting gold against the fire everyone is seated around.

It’s quiet. Almost painfully so. Only Levi looks somewhat relaxed, leaning with one elbow on his knee, the other hand holding a cup in that weird way of his. 

_I killed someone today._

It’s all you can think about now. Every time you blink, you see that woman’s head hanging so unnaturally off of her neck. You see the sinew of her spine, and the strands of muscle in her flesh, where you’d cut through it. You scrubbed at your skin earlier, when you first got back here. But you can still smell her blood. You can still feel it.

Did she die right away? You don’t know much about those kinds of things. But it’s not like you cut off her whole head. So she probably didn’t.

A short gasp leaves your lips as you drop your forehead against your knees, hands clasped together. 

_Fuck._

She was going to kill you! What else were you supposed to do? You told Jean… you told him… If it’s your life or theirs, who would you rather die? 

You smell her blood again, and pull your face back up, away from your cloak.

“What’s wrong?”

Your head snaps towards Levi, thinking he’s talking to you. But instead, he’s looking at Armin. 

“This grimy place kill your appetite?”

“...No.” Armin shortly replies. You frown, noticing the waver in his blue eyes. Like nervous ripples in a lake. “Jean, there’s something I don’t understand.”

Jean looks up. “What is it?”

He’s been quiet since you got here, too. You think he might be a little embarrassed about crying in front of everyone. Or not. He could just be thinking about the fact that he almost died.

You didn’t want to let him go. It was weird, then. You’d never felt that kind of fear before. You’ve been afraid for your own life so many times. You’ve been afraid of things that could happen to you. You’ve also been afraid for your friends’ lives a lot in the past couple of months. But not like that. Not to the point where your fingers were white from how desperately you’d gripped Jean’s cloak, and you trembled when he pulled away. You’d felt cold right away, without his face tucked against your skin. 

It was terrifying. 

_“Jean!”_

You don’t even know who’s voice that was. It makes you shudder.

“When I shot that gun to save you…” Armin’s voice is strangely even compared to his disturbed look. “I honestly thought I didn’t make it in time. Sorry for that, but… why was I the one who shot first?”

Jean cringes, his brows drawing together tightly, and he glances over at you out of the corner of his eye, shoulders hunched. “That’s…”

“Because the other person hesitated.” Levi says, matter-of-fact. “That’s all it is.”

Your eyes sweep over to him. He’s not even looking at anyone. Just a far-off expression as he sips from his cup.

“Armin, I’m sorry… I should have done what I needed to do,” Jean sighs harshly. 

“I know what it is,” Armin’s voice rings out again. “The person I killed… I bet they were a nice person. Someone that was much more human than me. I pulled the trigger so easily… I did. I’m…”

“Armin. You’ve got blood on your hands now. You can’t go back to who you were.” Levi chimes in again, this time looking up at Armin from under his brows.  
“Why would you say that?” Mikasa snaps.  
“Embrace the new you,” Levi continues. “Just think, if your hands were still clean, Jean wouldn’t be here right now.”

There’s a stark moment of silence. You stare at the fire. Your hands clasp tighter.

“I’ll tell you why you pulled the trigger: it’s because your comrade was about to die. Thanks to you getting blood on your hands, nobody in this squad ended up dead. Thank you.”

_Right._

_We have to… we have to protect ourselves first._

“Corporal, I… I thought it was wrong to be fighting other humans, and wrong for you to order us to do it.” Jean speaks up, sounding better than before. “I was afraid to be hurting other people. But I’m the one who was wrong.” he glances at you, momentarily matching your gaze. “Next time, I’ll shoot.”

“I never said anything about wrong or right.” says Levi, his eyes wider than usual. He stares into his cup. “I don’t even know that myself. Are you really in the wrong?”

You look over at Jean, but he’s now looking past you at the Corporal. 

_I’m glad she’s dead,_ you think, nearly hating yourself for it. _Because you’re still here._

“Now then,” Levi stands, stretching out his back a little. “I think it’s time we see what this one has to say.” He walks over to one of the men you’d tied up before. You think it’s the main guy, the one who walked in the front. The same one who tried to shoot Jean. 

Levi pulls down the cloth muffling the man’s mouth, and he agitatedly begins to speak. “Wait wait wait, now I’m just an old man who moves wagons around here-”

“I’ve met this man before.” 

Mikasa stands up, surprising you. Her expression is cold. “People were calling him Boss.”

“Yeah, I know,” Levi nods. “Dimo Reeves, right?”

The man makes a tch sound, sharply turning his face away. “We were just following orders the Military Police forced on us. And failed, big time. They’ll plunder the Reeves Company for all that it’s worth. They won’t stop with my idiot son. They’ll make sure everyone dies in so-called ‘accidents’.”

Jean’s breath hitches.  
“Sounds like the MPs,” you mutter, gritting your teeth.

“So you’ll just die without a fight?” Levi asks. “Trost should have collapsed by now, but it hasn’t. The Reeves Company has done a lot to bring people and work together. But if the Company fades into nothing, how many do you think will survive the winter?”

“...Are you suggesting I team up with you?” Dimo Reeves asks, incredulously. 

“We just need to know where Eren and Historia are,” Levi’s head tilts to the right. “If you’re supplying the Military Police, we can figure something out.”  
“But can you stop my city and my employees from starving to their deaths?” Reeves counters. 

Levi kneels down, on one knee. “I can’t guarantee that. But you can trust that we’ll move in that direction.”

A few heavy seconds pass. You’re holding your breath, you realize.

“...Deal.”

 

“They’re coming,”

Sasha’s whisper alerts you, and everyone else by the looks of it. Levi nods, placing his finger on the trigger of his rifle. You follow suit, breath low and quick as you watch the cart being driven by Dimo Reeves and his son turn a corner on the path and approach the house across from you. Your squad has been hiding out in the woods for the past day since you got here, waiting for the Military Police officials to arrive. Now that they’re here, you’re nervous again. 

You really hope it goes well, and you don’t have to kill any more humans.

The wagon makes a sudden stop. You see Dimo Reeves give a nervous glance back at the covered section.

“Go, now,” Levi says quietly.

You follow him and Jean, darting out from the trees and immediately cocking your rifle as you stand behind the wagon, waiting for someone to peek out.

Djel Sannes.

That’s the guy.

Before he can speak, you whip your gun around and smash the butt of it into the side of the MP’s head with a grunt, watching as he topples over onto the floor of the wagon with satisfaction.

“Reeves, you damn son of a-!” 

The shout from inside is cut off right away, and a moment later Mikasa hops down from the wagon, pulling aside the curtains to show the two Military Police soldiers passed out. 

“Connie, Sasha, take Sannes inside. Mikasa and Jean, take Ralph.” Levi instructs, then walks around to the front of the cart, presumably to talk to the Reeves.

“Yes, sir,” Jean mutters, picking up the man’s feet as Mikasa swings her rifle over her shoulder and takes his arms.

“I’ll get the door,” you say, walking ahead of them to the front of the cabin on the side of the road.

 

Levi walks in after a few minutes, once the two men have already been put in their respective cells on the first floor and you’ve brought in all of your stuff from the horses. You hadn’t especially liked tying up that man Ralph, knowing what might happen to him if he didn’t spill right away.

“Go upstairs,” Levi says, kneeling and opening one of the duffle bags he’d brought along. “No need for you lot to stick around down here.” he pulls out a pair of gloves, slipping them over his hands. You catch a glimpse of what else is inside the bag and cringe, stomach turning over.

“Corporal… are you going to-”  
“Come on,” you grab Jean’s hand, cutting him off from speaking, and pull him towards the stairs. 

You let go of Jean’s hand once you’re upstairs, avoiding his eyes.

The rest of your friends come up after you, nobody looking too pleased.

“I hope he doesn’t scream too much,” Sasha mumbles, already looking sick. “I’m gonna go in one of the rooms just in case.”  
“Good idea,” Connie sighs, stretching out his arms in front of him. “This whole torture thing is fucked up.”

Nobody answers him as the two of them walk down the hall.

You’re probably all thinking the same thing: Connie is right, it’s fucked up. But you need to know where Eren and Historia are.  
No matter what. 

You hear the lock of a door downstairs click, and walk over to the door you just came through leading to the staircase. You shut it quickly, just as you hear the first shout of, “Wait, please!”

You realize your hands are shaking.

“I’m gonna go too,” you mumble, taking fast steps away from the door and down the same hall Connie and Sasha walked through before. 

You open the first door you see, finding nothing inside but two beds. You shut the door behind you and sit down on the bed to your right. You don’t know which man is screaming right now. But one of them definitely is. 

You don’t even realize that someone has come in until they sit down next to you. 

It’s Jean. You know because he puts an arm around you and leans the side of his head against the top of yours.

You feel a ghost of that fear from yesterday, and stiffen.

“...I killed someone yesterday.” you say quietly.  
“You did?” Jean asks, sounding a little surprised.  
“Yeah. She was gonna shoot me. So I cut her throat open, down to the bone.”

“...Well, like you said, Y/N, it’s your life or theirs, and-”  
“I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much,” you look down at your hands. “I still smell her blood.”  
Jean’s breath hitches. He’s quiet for a moment, then his arm tightens around your shoulders, drawing you closer. “I’m glad you killed her,” he mutters, barely audible. “I need you around.”

 _Funny._ Isn’t that almost exactly what you’d thought to yourself about Jean before?

“You too,” you mumble back. “Please don’t die.”

“I won’t if you won’t,” Jean says, glancing down at you with a glint of humor in his eyes. You smile.  
“Sounds good.”

 

An hour or so later, the two of you head back out into the main room, finding Sasha, Armin, and Connie all sitting at the table. Mikasa is leaning against the wall, eyes downcast. You sit down by Sasha and Jean sits by Armin.

“Did Captain Hange get here?” you ask.  
“About five minutes ago,” Armin answers plainly.

“We should make some food soon,” Sasha says, although she doesn’t look as enthusiastic as usual.  
“I don’t have much of an appetite right now,” Connie grits his teeth.  
You nod. “Agreed.”

“Here we go again,” mutters Jean as soon as the screaming starts up once more. There’d been a short pause.  
“I feel like it’s even louder now,” Armin’s face looks pale. You try not to cringe as the man wails desperately.  
“I know it’s to save Eren and Historia, but…” Connie shakes his head, leaning over onto the table. “It makes me sick.”

“...Let’s face it.” Armin stares down at the table, his hands in his lap. He looks resigned. “We’re criminals now.”

You glance up at him, noting how unsettled your friends look.

Well, at least you went through that revelation three years ago.

“The enemies that we’re fighting now, we’re not killing them because they’re trying to eat us.” the blond boy sighs. “It’s because their views are different… no. Just their group is different.” his voice weakens, becomes a whisper. “And for that, their lives…”

“Armin,” Mikasa says, stepping forward.  
He slumps forward onto the table. “All of us… we’re not good people anymore.”

“It doesn’t matter,” you say, and Armin’s face snaps up to look at you. Your jaw clenches, and you steel yourself. “The world isn’t a good place. You should know that by now. Good people can’t exist in a place like this. There’s only people who do things for their own good and people who do things for everyones’.” you lean forward, brows drawing together. “We’re doing this to take back Wall Maria. Even if that woman you shot thought she was doing something good, was she really? Was she doing humanity a service by trying to take away the one person who can save our territory?” 

Armin stares back at you, looking tense.

“Justify it or you won’t be able to live with yourself,” you tell him, knowing it’s cold advice.

The atmosphere is tense- you can feel a heavy weight in the air. 

The metallic twinge of that woman’s blood is strong in your nose again. 

“Cadets,” 

You all look to the left, finding Levi, Hange, and Moblit walking through the door of the staircase. Moblit gently shuts it behind him.

Jean stands, agitated. “Is there news? They talked?”

“We had a plan,” Captain Hange plants her hands on her hips. “And it worked.”  
“Sannes spilled after we tricked him into thinking Ralph talked,” Levi explains, arms crossed. “The true royal family isn’t the Fritz line. It’s the Reiss family.”

You squint, trying to remember where you’ve heard Reiss before.

“So you’re saying, the true royal successor is Historia?” Armin asks, eyes wide. 

_Oh, shit. Right. Historia Reiss._

You’re still not used to that name. It's only a been a couple of weeks.

“In other words, Eren and Historia are most likely wherever Rod Reiss is,” Captain Hange nods to Moblit, who then pulls a scroll out from his jacket and presses it against the wall, smoothing it out with his hands so you can see the drawing on it.

“That’s him,” Moblit says. “Rod Reiss.”

He looks like a typical middle-aged rich guy, from your experience. Like one of those people you saw walking around Stohess that week before you went to the military training camp.

“There’s more,” Hange says, wiping a hand across her forehead. “The note Eren handed me before you left to Trost makes me think that he was taken by Rod Reiss to be eaten.”

Your stomach drops, and your nails dig into the skin of your palms.

“Eaten?” Armin repeats, eyes still wide. But more than shock, it seems like horror now. You glance over at Mikasa. She’s almost shaking.

“Yes. Eren remembered a conversation where your friend Ymir asked Bertholdt Hoover if he resented her for something, which Bertholdt then replied to, saying she probably didn’t want to eat a human either. Speculating based off of this, Ymir was probably a titan wandering outside the Wall. She ate one of Bertholdt, Annie, and Reiner’s comrades.”

You frown. Ymir… you’re still confused on how you should feel about her. She should have told you all, or even the Survey Corps at the very least, that she could turn into a titan… at least, though, Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie were down a man. If you think about it positively. 

“When a titan eats someone, they don’t turn back into a human,” Hange continues. “But what if a titan ate one of Reiner’s comrades? Another shifter? In that case, it seems that if a titan eats someone with that power, they revert back into a human, and inherit the power of whoever they ate.”

_God. This is getting confusing._

“In the last expedition, Reiner was throwing titans in Eren’s direction. Eren has the power to control titans with his scream. Reiner was trying to take that power from him, with those titans. So to someone who wants his ability, Eren is just a vessel who is bound to be replaced.”

Captain Hange looks sternly out at all of you, her voice crisp and dark. “If the government has a titan of their own, they’ll be the one to eat Eren.”

Almost on cue, Mikasa swivels on the heel of her foot and walks to the door, heavy with purpose. Levi quickly stops her, yanking her around with his hand on her shoulder.

“Calm down,” he says, lowly. “They’re not going to give Eren back just because you go on a rampage.” turning back to face all of you, he goes on. “We’re going to Rod Reiss’s territory. Get ready to leave. As soon as everyone is ready, we’re heading out.”

“Yes, sir,” you all respond, standing. 

You file out of the room in a line, Mikasa going first.

You hadn’t even put anything in those rooms you were supposed to sleep in tonight if neither of the MPs talked. Everything you’ve been dragging around since you had an actual room at the castle in Wall Rose is still in the front room, waiting to be put back onto your horse.

Downstairs, you haul your bag up over your shoulder, also picking up the rifle you’d left against the wall.

“I’m hungry,” Sasha mumbles as she picks her things up from beside you.  
“Me too,” you say back, flashing her a tiny smile as you get going outside. You reach into your bag as the two of you walk to the stables, digging around blindly a little until your fingers wrap around the familiar paper. 

You draw out the dry biscuit, handing it to your friend. “Here.”

Sasha frowns at you as she opens the stable door, holding it. “Y/N, you should eat it. I’ll get ahold of something when we get to a town.”  
You shake your head. “I promise you that I can go longer without eating than you can, Sasha.”

Reluctantly, she nods, and takes the biscuit from your hand. You walk into the stables in front of her, heading straight to your horse at the end. Mikasa’s is next to yours, and she’s already got everything in order, leading her horse out of its stall.

“Mikasa,” you say, getting her attention.  
The girl turns, her grey eyes looking stormy in the dark.  
“...We’re gonna get him back,” you tell her, reaching out and grabbing her hand. You squeeze it, jaw clenching tight. “I promise. You and me.”  
Mikasa stares back at you, then nods sharply. “Me and you.”

 

Stohess.

This has got to be a fucking joke. 

“I’m so goddamn tired of this goddamn city,” you mutter with clenched teeth as you pass through the gates at around noon. 

“Give it a rest, Y/N,” Connie comments, riding alongside you. “You’ve been looking sour for the whole time we’ve been riding.”  
“Shut up, Connie,” you snap, glaring at him.  
“Woah woah woah, you gotta calm down a bit-”  
“Connie,” Mikasa cuts in, stone cold. “Just shut up.”

You were separated into two groups: The first being Levi, Jean, Sasha, and Armin. The second being you, Mikasa, and Connie. The idea is to look less suspicious going into Stohess. Although in any case, you’re not sure a group of three teenagers with one man in his thirties is ever going to look subtle. Whatever. You’re not in that group anyway.

“If you see it, report it!”

Your head turns, and your hands grip tighter around the reins of your horse. It’s a Military Police soldier, standing up on some kind of stage, waving a paper with the Wings of Freedom drawn on it. 

_Like people don’t know what that looks like. We literally fought in their city a month ago._

“This is ridiculous,” Connie sighs. “We’re being treated like criminals.”  
“Don’t say that kind of stuff,” you remind him. “We need to get out of the city as quickly as possible. Don’t say anything that could start trouble.”  
Connie sighs again, far more dramatically. “Of course, O Great One Y/N L/N.”

You roll your eyes.

About twenty minutes later, Mikasa stops, pointing out at something. “That bread looks good.”

That kind of comment is uncharacteristic, coming from Mikasa. She must be _really_ hungry. 

“I agree,” Connie nods. “Looks delicious.”

“I’ll go,” you jump down from your horse, handing the reins to Mikasa. “Be one minute.”

You draw the strings of your gray cloak tighter, hoping none of your equipment straps will be showing through. The fabric of your skirt flutters around your calves in the wind. You’ve been wearing civilian clothes for a couple of weeks now, but it’s still weird to you. You rarely wore a skirt during training camp, even on your days off. 

The bakery is just off the side of the road, loaves of bread showing through the window. 

“Good afternoon,” the boy who can't be much older than you behind the counter greets you cordially.  
“And to you,” you approach, pulling out two dollar coins. “Two loaves of bread, please,” 

He smiles with teeth, taking the money from your hand and putting the coins away before turning around and grabbing two loaves down from the shelves behind him. He puts them in a nice paper bag, and then adds something else in on top.

“What was that?” you ask, frowning. “I only gave you two dollars.”  
“Extra scone for the pretty lady,” he smiles again, wrapping up the bag and sliding it across the counter.  
You try to smile back, nodding. “I see. Thank you.”

“Hey, Will, are you giving out free stuff again?” an older, burlier looking man comes out from the back. “None of the girls are going to go out with you, kid. Just accept it.”  
“Aw come on, Uncle,” the boy, Will, chuckles, grinning at you as he looks between you and the older man.

Your smile fades as the older man’s eyes set on you. Your fingers wrap around the rolled up top of the bag.

“Hey, you look a little familiar,” he says, pointing a finger at you. “Grow up around here, Miss?”

_He gives you a scornful look as he takes the coin and wipes it off on his apron with no attempt to be subtle._  
_“Dirty underground rats...” you hear him mutter as the door swings shut behind you._

“No,” you respond, coldly. “I didn’t.” 

Will, the kid, looks more frantically between the two of you. The older man doesn’t seem to recognize you as you do him.

He shrugs. “Must be someone you look like. Thank you for your business.”  
“You’re so very welcome,” you say, voice dripping with sarcasm.

The older man goes into the back again without another word.

Will chuckles awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable. “Uhh… it’s terrible what the Survey Corps did in Trost, right? It’s so nice that the Military Police are finally stepping up to them.”

Your eyes sweep over to him, and you snatch the bag off of the counter. “Certainly.”

You pivot and leave the store immediately, stalking up to your horse and climbing on wordlessly. 

“Got the bread? That took a while,” Connie reaches over and takes the bag from your hand as Mikasa lets your reins go so you can take them.

“Sorry,” you get your horse going into a trot. “I ran into someone I used to know.”

 

“They’ve been gone a while,” you hum, knowing you sound nervous.  
Sasha gives you a sisterly smile that you can faintly see from the corner of your eye. “They’re fine.” 

“They better be, or we’re gonna starve out here,” Connie groans, stretching his arms out. “Corporal, you sure me and Sasha can’t go hunting?”  
“That’s too risky,” Levi responds, seemingly picking dirt out from under his nails. “We need to lay low.”

You sigh, leaning your head on Sasha’s shoulder. “I’m hungry and my ass hurts.”  
She pats your hand. “Me too. Rocks are not good seats.”  
“And neither is the ground.”  
“Lotta great options out here in the woods.”  
“You got that right.”

Suddenly, your friend perks up, head turned. “They’re back,”

You turn to look, too, and sure enough, within two minutes, Mikasa, Jean, and Armin come through the trees into the small clearing where you’ve set up camp.

“We got the supplies, Corporal,” Jean announces, stopping to stand nearby you. Armin and Mikasa continue to walk forward to Levi.

“The MPs were handing these out,” Armin says, passing the Corporal a slip of paper. “If what this says is true, the Legion will be disbanded. I heard they’ll be out hunting for us tonight. They’re also putting guards on all the vital roads, and it’s impossible to get through without a pass.”

“I see,” Levi says, staring intently at the paper.

“Corporal, what are we going to do now?” Armin asks, deeply frowning.  
“If we don’t hurry, Eren will-” Mikasa starts.  
Levi cuts her off. “Calm down. They’re riding in a wagon. It’ll take at least a day to reach Reiss’s territory. We’ll have to use that time to come up with a plan.”

Sasha’s head snaps to the side, although now she looks far more serious than earlier. “Corporal, I hear footsteps. They’re coming in this direction.”

You chew on the inside of your cheek, brows drawing together. Can the Military Police be out searching for you already?

“Alright, here’s what we’ll do,” Levi sighs, running a hand through his hair, like this is more bothersome than anything. “Armin, you said that it’s impossible to pass on the road right now, yes?”

“That’s right, sir,” the boy nods.

Levis hums, tapping his fingers on his knee. “We’ll need to capture the soldiers and wear their uniforms in order to pass by the guards. One of you will pretend to be getting water by the stream. Mikasa, you and will disable the MPs. The rest of you, hang out in the area. Don’t be seen or heard. Sound good?”

“Yes, sir!” you whisper-shout. 

“I’ll collect the water,” Armin volunteers quickly. “I look the least threatening out of everyone here.”  
“Have some confidence, buddy, geez,” Jean mutters, making the blond boy chuckle.  
“Don’t worry Jean, I know who I am.”

“Get your equipment on and move out,” Levi orders, already standing. “Let’s use this as an opportunity.”

 

You hop down from the tree you’d been watching from as Mikasa, Armin, and Levi tricked and disarmed the two Military Police soldiers that happened upon your area.

You point your rifle at them, so they don’t make a run for it.

“Wow, they really are cadets,” you comment as Jean lands beside you.  
“Not surprising,” he shakes his head. “As if the officials in that branch would do anything themselves.”  
“Yeah, guess you’re right.”

“Don’t try anything funny,” you project towards the two MPs, watching as the boy frantically looks between you and his partner. He’s sweating furiously. Poor kid.

“We- we won’t! I swear!” 

“Remove your cloaks and jackets,” you instruct, lifting your chin at the two cadets and then to Jean. “And pass them to him.” 

The boy quickly takes his off, while the girl looks extremely pissed off and rolls her eyes as she takes her time doing so. 

Jean collects their clothes and starts digging through the pockets.

“On your knees,” Levi orders the cadets, to which they immediately comply. “Mikasa and Armin, tie their wrists.”  
“Yes, sir,” both of them answer simultaneously, kneeling and pulling out twine. As soon as the knots are done, you drop your rifle from your shoulder so that the barrel is against the dirt.

“Corporal,” Jean says, drawing a few identification papers out of the jackets and walking over to Levi to hand them to him.

Levi stands, opening both up with one hand. “Now then… Stohess District Military Police.” he walks around the two cadets, lifting his blade and setting it on his shoulder. A display of power.

You try not to laugh. _God, Levi. Once an asshole, always an asshole._

“Private Marlowe Fredenberg, and Private Hitch Dreyse. As for how we’ll dispose of you…” 

The cadets stiffen immediately, eyes wide. They look at each other and then at you, hands set on the butt of your gun.

“Because of you guys, over a hundred people in Stohess were killed, you know!” the girl, who you’re guessing is Hitch, speaks up, her face a mix of desperate and angry.

Levi gives her a questioning look.

“Hey!” her partner, Marlowe, grits his teeth at her.

“You people… you might think you’re some sort of heroes of justice, but the victims and their families were dropped straight into hell!”

“Yeah, I know,” Levi says, standing casually a couple of feet away from them. He speaks with little conviction, with little sympathy.

Well, at least _you_ know that Levi isn’t heartless. He makes it difficult to see that. Especially to strangers.

The girl, Hitch, doesn’t take that well, grinding her teeth. Her eyes sweep around until they land on you and your friends, standing in front of them. “Hey, you all… you were in the Southern division of the 104th, yeah? Same as Annie Leonhart. Were you guys friends with her?”

Your grip on your gun tightens.

Annie… friends. _Tch. She’d scoff at that._

“No, I doubt it. Not with how gloomy and aloof she always was. It’s like she was a kid afraid of other people...” Hitch mutters, more to herself than to you. She’s staring at the ground intensely. “I never got the chance to know much about her. And the reason they still haven’t found her…” she turns, and shouts passionately into Levi’s face. “Is because she was pulverized by a titan into nothing!”

Levi looks down at Hitch coldly.

“No,” he starts, sounding unimpressed. “It’s because-”

“Annie was the Female titan.” you cut in. Both Levi and Hitch look at you, the former a little surprised and the latter a lot. “She was the one pulverizing people. I’m sorry to say.”

The two cadets look at you in shock. You can see Hitch’s hands beginning to tremble.

“No… I was… her roommate, there’s no way-”  
“So was I,” you tell her, hoping there’s some amount of empathy in your voice. “It’s better that you know the truth.”

There’s a pause in the atmosphere. You know all of your friends are reflecting, if only for a moment. Hitch and Marlowe are too, probably.

“Goddamnit... it makes me sick.” Levi says, rolling his head around. “Nobody knows a damn thing about this world. Not us, not anyone. Except for those bastards at the center of it all.” he swings the blade down, the tip of it hitting the dirt. “We’ll release the both of you as soon as we get out of here.”

Hitch still seems to be in shock, unable to process anything that Levi just said, her mouth hanging open.

The boy, Marlowe, turns to look at Levi. “Corporal Levi! Please let me help you! I don’t think what the Scouts are doing is wrong! If I can help correct the world’s injustices, I’ll do whatever it takes!”

You raise a brow. _Wow, he’s passionate. Way more than anyone else._

You bite your lip, glancing away. _Except for Eren._

“I beg of you, Corporal!”  
“Not a chance,” Levi answers, sheathing his blade. “I don’t know how prepared you are to make an enemy out of the government.” he walks over to the group of you standing nearby. “Let’s go.”

You nod, swinging your rifle over your shoulder and beginning to walk up to meet Jean by the treeline.

“Sasha, tie them up somewhere nearby,” Levi calls out to your friend, who was keeping watch across the stream.

“Yes, sir!” she calls back as she sprints down the hill and across some stones in the water. 

“Wait, Corporal,” Jean speaks up, surprising you. You frown, stopping beside him. “Please let me do it.”  
“Why do you need to do that?” you ask him, squinting, but Jean doesn’t respond.  
Levi gives him some vague sort of look. “...Knock yourself out.”

He walks away, leaving you and Jean alone.

“Are you on some kind of power trip? Just let Sasha do it,” you tell Jean, putting a hand on your hip.  
He sighs. “Y/N, why do you always have to make things sound weird?”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
Jean rolls his eyes. “Just trust me.”

You sigh after a moment of hesitation. “Fine, whatever. We’ll be waiting for you up ahead.”  
“Sounds good,” he turns around. “Sasha! Wait a second!”

“Huh?” the girl calls from a bit downstream. “You need something, Jean?”

“Wait,” you say just before Jean starts to walk away. He looks over his shoulder at you, expectant. You reach up, and pluck the hat he’s been wearing off of his head. “You look dumb with this on.”  
He cracks a smile, and ruffles your hair. “You put it on then. See you soon.”  
“Bye,” you say, watching him turn and start walking away.

You wait for him to tell Sasha that he’ll take Marlowe and Hitch, Connie coming down from the hill he’d been keeping watch from as well. Jean leads the two cadets away, and Sasha and Connie start walking towards you.

You look down at the hat in your hand, a smile creeping up on your lips. You put it on over your now messy hair, chuckling to yourself.

“What’s so funny?” Sasha asks, throwing her arm around her shoulder as she bounds up to you.  
“Nothing,” you say, starting to walk up the path. “Let’s get going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy everyone!!! sorry this is two weeks and two days late. i have no excuse i just am bad at keeping a schedule apparently lol
> 
> anyway its a little longer this time so i hope that makes up for the wait! sorry if it seems like it ends at a weird place but otherwise this would have been a few more days late and also like 8k words lmfao so i hope its ok!! (also sorry if there are some weird sentences or errors i just skimmed to edit, i'll do a better read through later)
> 
> i hope you all enjoy this chapter, and look forward to tonights episode of the anime! it's going to be a good one! thanks as always!!<3


	35. thirty three - endure

“In hindsight, we probably could’ve come up with a better plan, right?”

Mikasa only offers you a barely-there shrug. “It doesn’t really matter as long as it worked.”  
You shrug back. “As long as it worked. Which is looking iffy right now.”

“He’ll be back soon,” Armin cuts in, with a positive tone. You glance over and he’s got a confident expression on his face. “The Corporal just had to find someone that can actually supply us with some valuable information.”

You just nod, resisting the urge to tell him that you already know that, because you know that sort of response is unnecessarily snotty. Even if that’s really how you’re feeling right now, because you are so hungry and tired of waiting around with the safety of your rifle off, for Levi to come back.

You slide your feet out from under you, settling down with your butt in the grass with a sigh. Jean gives you a pointed look.

“It’s not time to relax yet,” he says.

You raise an eyebrow, challenging him wordlessly. He ends up just breathing out a harsh sigh, obviously dissatisfied but not willing to fight you on this. 

It’s pretty obvious that tensions are high right now. Sasha climbed up into the tree nearby, snacking on her last rationed dry biscuit and not speaking a word to anyone. Connie’s been shooting dirty looks at you anytime you talk to Mikasa. Mikasa herself has been taut as a drawn bowstring, obviously anxious to get on with anything that will help you track down where Eren was taken. 

Suddenly, you hear the crack of a twig, and twist around, instinctually pushing yourself up onto one knee and swinging your gun up to your shoulder. You relax immediately, thought, when you see Levi’s familiar face coming up over the hill.

“It’s me,” he says, revealing that he’s dragging a man by the collar on the ground behind him. Levi trudges up to the little plateau you’re on, stopping in front of Armin and roughly throwing the man he’d been dragging forward onto the dirt.

“Captain, is he-”  
Levi cuts Armin off. “With the Interior Police, yes. I’ve got a few questions for him.” he wipes his hands off on his pants, looking mildly disgusted. “We’ll have to move out, find somewhere new. When we get there, you lot can cook something. I can tell that’s all you care about right now.”

“Yes, sir,” you halfheartedly recite along with your squadmates, using your rifle as leverage to push yourself off the ground and stand up. 

 

“Stop it…”

You wince at the soldier’s groaning, resisting the sick urge to look back and check on how beat up he is at this point.

You’ve learned, the past week or so, that you are really up for torturing people. Not that you ever thought you would be, but it’s been thoroughly solidified. 

At least this guy hasn’t had his nails ripped off yet. 

“Where are Eren and Christa?” Levi asks again. You haven’t been listening completely, but it’s nighttime and you’re starting to get bored, since you’ve just been standing against a tree with your finger on the trigger of a loaded rifle for a while now.

The soldier laughs, bitterly. It’s a choking, rough sound. “Oh, you’re so brave, aren’t you? That checkpoint back there was just a bunch of recruits who barely know how to wipe their own ass. You think you’re some kind of hero, beating them down?”

“What an atrocious thing we’ve done,” Levi says back, so monotone that it’d be hard to know he’s being sarcastic unless you’re aware of the context. 

The next thing you hear is more pained groaning, sounding muffled, and Levi telling the man quietly that he’d better talk while he still has a mouth. You sigh, shaking your head slightly. 

“It’s no use now anyway!” the soldier snaps. You can tell, even from here, that he’s speaking through blood. It’s that clogged, gurgling kind of speaking. “All that’s left for you now is to run and hide inside these walls, covered in mud and shit! If you don’t turn yourselves in, every last member of the Legion we captured will get the noose! Starting with the one most guilty of all, your pathetic fucking commander-!”

You think the man must have been about to continue, but he stops abruptly and then screams out in a strangled voice.

“Some people’s lives are worth more than others. All scouts acknowledge that before they join us. Tell me where Eren and Christa are.” 

Levi’s voice is cold, unrelenting.

You think about what he said, turning ever so slightly over your shoulder to look at his back, silhouetted against the moonlight. You can’t even really see the soldier that he’s beating up. 

_Some people’s lives are worth more than others._

It’s true, even if it sounds harsh.

Whether you had become friends with Eren and Historia or not, you would have had to give up anything and everything to save them. At least you are friends with them, and have more than just knowing that they’re important to make you feel better about possibly having to sacrifice other members of the Legion to get them back. 

At least to you, they matter more than others. 

You wonder how you’d cope with it if they didn’t.

“I don’t know!”

The soldier’s desperate cry snaps you out of your thoughts. 

“I’m not allowed to know! Kenny Ackerman is a very cautious man!”

_What?_

Your eyes are wide as they snap to Mikasa instantly, watching her look over at the man and Levi in surprise. 

_Ackerman?_

“I know Kenny,” Levi says, further surprising you. Who the hell is Kenny Ackerman? He must be related to Mikasa somehow… right? “Is Ackerman his last name?”

“Yes, but…” the soldier trails off.  
Levi doesn’t seem fazed. “True, there are a lot of things that Kenny doesn’t divulge, mostly the important stuff. But you must have a rough idea. You best try to remember.” 

You watch, eyes still wide in slight anticipation and shock as Levi walks forward and grabs the man again, ignoring the cries for him to stop.

“You still have plenty of bones to break,” Levi says darkly, grabbing the man’s arm and pulling it behind him.

For some reason, you don’t look away.

“You… You’re insane!” the soldier croaks, sounding strangled.   
“Maybe I am,” Levi responds, that horrible sense of anticipation only rising as you watch his fingers tighten around the man’s wrist.

“Someone’s coming from that way!” Sasha’s shout alerts you, and you immediately dip behind the tree and whip your rifle to your shoulder, glancing at her to direct your weapon the right way. “More than one!”

“Told you so, Corporal,” you hear the MP mumble lowly. “One way or another, the Legion will soon come to an end.”

You’re tense as you watch two figures begin to approach from the tall grass past the forest, hooded so that you can’t tell who they are.

Slowly, they come closer, and you only grow tenser. Why aren’t they doing or saying anything? Are they planning to just get as close as possible and then start shooting? 

The two figures stop, then, in a spot where moonlight is shining down, enough that you can see the green color of their cloaks. Both hoods are pulled down in a quick movement, and you instantly sigh in relief, lowering your weapon.

“We bring news,” Captain Hange says. Moblit nods beside her. 

Levi promptly lets go of the Military Police soldier’s arm, leaving him tied against the tree in the uncomfortable position he’s been held in for a while now. “What is it?”

Hange draws a letter from under her cloak as she trudges up the hill towards you, Moblit following behind. “Erwin’s plan worked out, miraculously.” she hands Levi the letter, who opens it skeptically. You swing the strap of your rifle over your shoulder and come up behind him so you can read it too. 

**The pretender king has fallen, and all the puppeteers who controlled him. Survey Corps Commander Erwin Smith innocent in murder of Dimo Reeves.**

Your friends come up around you to have a look too.

“There you have it. The coup d’etat was a success.” Hange says, further explaining the content of the letter as you continue reading. “Premier Commander Zackly is in control of the capital and administrative district. As of now, the nobles haven’t rebelled.”

You lean back, a little surprised. Armin has a similar reaction.

“What about the Boss Reeves incident?”

Captain Hange grins, in her almost creepy truly excited way. “We got a confession that proved the charges against the Survey Corps unfounded. His son Flegel really came through. Just like it’s written there, the charges were shown to be inane, the Military Police abused their power, and King Fritz is a fake.”

You squint at the image of King Fritz- well, former King Fritz?   
It’s a sketchy drawing without a lot of detail. He looks old and sufficiently King-like to you. Maybe that’s why they picked him. Although you don’t really get why they needed a fake king in the first place.

You’re probably never going to get used to all this politics business.

“In conclusion, all of our actions were justified as self-defense.” Hange finishes with another, more calm smile. “In other words, we’re free again.”

You glance around at your friends, a smile beginning to spread on your lips.

“Thank god!” Sasha exclaims, throwing her arms up, which then sets off everyone else to start cheering.

You laugh as Jean slings his arm over your shoulders, shouting something out in excitement about sleeping in a real bed again soon. You can’t help but agree.

“Captain Hange,” Mikasa’s voice cuts through your celebration, and you sober up seeing the happiness melt away on her face to something far more serious. “Does this mean we can start looking for Eren again?”

Hange holds up her treasured notebook, the one you’ve even written and drawn things in before. “I might have an idea on where Eren and Historia Reiss are. Let’s get there, and end this battle.”

“Roger that,” Levi sighs, running his fingers through his hair. “Cadets, pack up your things and light some torches. We’ll be riding through the night.”

“Yes, sir,” you all chorus back to him.

Hange, Moblit, and Levi start discussing amongst themselves, probably about where you’re headed.

You turn, sighing, and stretch your arms out above your head.

“Tired?” Jean asks, rolling his head around.  
“Sure am,” you reply, then give him a light kick on the calf. “You?”  
“Ow,” he shoots you a half-hearted dirty look. “Of course I am.”  
“Well, it’ll all be over soon,” you nod, almost reassuring yourself more than anything. “We just have to get Eren and Historia back, and then we can sleep for a whole entire day.”  
Jean smiles over at you as the two of you start walking back to your encampment. “Is that what you’re planning to do?”  
You raise a brow at him. “Is that not what you’re planning to do?”  
“Fair enough.”

You wipe sweat off your brow, pushing your hair away from your face along with it. “And take a long-ass bath, hopefully.”  
“Now _that_ is definitely in my plan,” Jean says.  
“Yeah, it better be,” you tease him, pretending to cringe away as he lifts one arm to take of whiff of his odor.  
“I wish I had the right to be offended,” he sighs. “At least you also smell bad.”

You just shrug, then give him a wave as you enter the campsite and split paths, you heading to where you’d barely unpacked anything earlier and shoving what few items you’d taken out of your bag back in haphazardly.

You wonder where you’re going. If it’s far. If it’s too far for you to get there in time. The thing is that you don’t even know what clock you’re racing against- you don’t know what they’re planning to do with Eren. You’re assuming kill him in some way, but it has to involve Historia too, or they wouldn’t have tried so hard to get them at the same time. 

You sigh again, wiping your hands over your face as you stand up with your bag. 

Eren.

You feel like you haven’t sat down and talked to him in so long. There was that one breakfast before you all took off to go to the cabin a couple of weeks ago, but aside from that, not much. The two of you used to have so many things to talk about, even with the fact that you never said anything about your past. He was always curious about your opinion on things, places, people. And he’s good at remembering them, too. 

A part of you wishes you never told Eren about the Underground, about Xander and about what you went through just to join the military. A part of you thinks it changed how he looks at you. Another part of you doesn’t think that at all. 

Maybe the best thing to do about that would just be to ask him.

But to ask him, you have to make sure he doesn’t die first.

 

The night is dark around you- there’s not much moonlight. The only thing lighting up the faces around you is the lamp hanging off a wire beside Armin, who’s driving the cart. 

You lean down and tug at the bandages around your ankle, wishing it would stop feeling so sore out of nowhere.

“Captain Hange,” Mikasa says from your left, her head hanging slightly. “Do you really know where they are?”

Said woman nods, just barely. “Yeah, I’ll explain.” Hange holds up a book. “Commander Erwin gave me this Scout investigation report regarding Lord Reiss’ land. Most of it has to do with an incident five years ago that shook up the Reiss family.”

“Five years ago?” Armin chimes in, looking back for a moment.

“Yes. On the same day Wall Maria was breached.” your brows lift up in surprise, expecting the Captain to elaborate on that, but she just continues. “I’ll summarize the important parts from the beginning. 

“As the lord of his territory, popular opinion of Rod Reiss wasn’t that bad. He had five children, and the oldest daughter Freida was a down-to-earth girl that even peasants adored. But that night, five years ago, disaster struck. With the world having plunged into pure chaos, some bandits raided and set fire to the only chapel around. Unfortunately, that night, the entire Reiss family was there praying together. And so, the whole family, save for the head of house Rod Reiss, was killed that night.”

You all stare back at Captain Hange, somewhat shocked, somewhat unbothered. 

It’s sad that Rod Reiss’s whole family died, especially if the people who worked for him actually liked them.   
But it seems like he covered up that they were the real royal family for a reason… not to mention all the stuff Historia told you guys. Plus, it definitely feels like he wants to kill Eren.  
So you’re having a hard time mustering up sympathy for this man.

“To top it off, this incident happened just a few days before Historia’s mother was murdered by the Interior Police. In other words, immediately after losing his family, Rod Reiss sought out Historia. There must be a reason that him and his lackeys are after her.”

“The same bloodline,” Levi hums, his arms crossed as he leans against the cart. “Is there some secret to their blood?”  
“I don’t know that for sure,” Hange replies, then frowns. “But what really makes me curious is that some parts of the chapel are completely wrecked. The chapel itself is made out of stone. It would take tons of effort and time to destroy it to that level. Wouldn’t bandits take what they could and make a quick escape? Plus, the only one who saw them was Rod Reiss, supposedly. Soon after, he used his fortune and rebuilt the place… but why?”

You frown, looking down at your hand. For a moment, your eyes fall shut, and you try to imagine a stone chapel, charred and crumbling. If it was anything like the one you went to when you lived at the orphanage underground, the walls would have been heavy and thick. Fire wouldn’t have even spread easily around that kind of place… unless rich people keep a lot of books or something in their places of worship.

Still, Captain Hange is right. It doesn’t really make sense.

“If you think about it, it’s actually stranger that there were no traces of titans.” she looks around. “Even if I’m jumping to conclusions here, something this suspicious deserves to be checked out.”

“Yeah,” Levi nods. “It seems uncanny.”

“It must have to do with titans,” you mutter. “Do they want to get a hold of Eren’s titan ability somehow?”  
“I think it may revolve around regular titans,” Hange wipes a hand over her forehead, sighing deeply. “My idea is that if a regular titan eats a human who has the ability to transform into a conscious titan, it will kill the human and take over the titan-shifting ability.”

Your jaw clenches at that. 

“Anyway,” Captain Hange sighs. “Before the night is over, we’ll have soldiers all over Reiss’s land. Unfortunately, I doubt he’ll be waiting that long. If we don’t get there soon, Eren may end up being eaten!”

 

An hour later, after a bit of moving things around, you’re slumped in the corner of the cart with your cloak drawn tight around you, now seated next to a crate and Levi, who is explaining who the man you fought the other day was. 

“It’s someone I know,” Levi starts, sighing. “I used to live with him when I was a kid.”  
“You did?” your eyes widen, and he shoots you a look.  
“That’s what I just said.”  
“Then, do you know why he might have helped take Eren?”  
He shakes his head. “No, I didn’t stay with him long. He left without a word one day, and I never saw him again.”

“Oh,” you mumble. Levi hadn’t ever mentioned this Kenny man to you before. You guess it must have been a really short time, or maybe he’s a little hurt by being abandoned.

You were, at least.

“Anyway, he’s Kenny the Ripper. If he’s there, he’ll be our biggest obstacle.” Levi tilts his head slightly. “In terms of how much of a threat he is, equate him to me as an enemy. No… with those weapons, he’s deadlier than me.”

You think back to the handheld guns this Kenny guy’s followers had been wielding. They seemed to reload far quicker than anything you’d ever been taught how to shoot- plus, they’d also been using what looked pretty much the same as your omnidirectional maneuver gear. 

“Then he’s unbeatable, at least for us…” you hear Sasha mutter from up ahead.  
“If we could meet up with the troops-”

“Absolutely not,” Mikasa cuts Connie off with a dark look and low voice.

He glances back at you all, cringing. “Right. Of course not! If we wait until morning, Eren might get eaten!”

“But, if what the captain said is true, it’s not like Kenny has no weak points,” Armin says, also looking back for a moment.  
“Really?” Jean sounds surprised.  
“Yeah. I’m sure he’s trained plenty, but having combat experience is something else.”

Hange starts up next. “I wonder, though. How is it that you lived with Kenny the Ripper, but know almost nothing about him, Levi?”

“Sorry, but I only found out his full name recently. Apparently, it’s Kenny Ackerman.” Levi looks to Mikasa. “He some relative of yours or something?”

Mikasa is quiet for a moment, then speaks up. “I heard from my parents a long time ago that my dad’s side, the Ackermans, were persecuted in the city. My mom’s family was oriental, so being a different race meant they didn’t fit in anywhere. Both groups were chased into the mountains near the edge of the walls. So that’s how they met and got married.” she pauses, sighing. “But I never found out why the Ackermans were persecuted. My dad didn’t seem like a different race like my mom.”

“...Has there ever been a moment where it’s felt like power suddenly awakened inside of you?” Levi asks, again tilting his head, eyes narrowed.

You look at Mikasa, who has gone very still, her eyes wide. It takes a few beats of silence before she finally replies, voice small.

“There has.”

Levi stares at Mikasa, and you look between them, trying to figure out what’s going on here. 

Finally, Levi talks again. “Kenny Ackerman had a moment like that too. One time, out of nowhere, he felt an absurd amount of strength surging through him, and he knew exactly what he had to do. I’ve felt moments like that, too.”

Mikasa is quiet as she looks at Levi from under her eyelashes. “...I see.” she says after a couple seconds. 

“The chapel is up ahead!” Moblit’s voice rings out from the front of the group. “It’s just over the hill!”

“Check over your gear, cadets,” Captain Hange cuts through the tense air that’s taken over those of you sitting on the cart. “We don’t want any accidents. As Levi said, there’s likely to be a fight.”

 

The double doors at the front of the chapel open with little resistance, Levi’s hand pushing them in. The rest of you stand a few feet behind, muscles tense with anticipation. 

“Look around for anything suspicious,” Captain Hange directs, already walking about the place with her lamp held up. “And prepare the explosives.”

You meet Mikasa’s eyes, and give a sharp nod, which she returns.

The inside of the chapel is nothing special, really. It looks all around fairly similar to the one you had to go to at the orphanage, but a lot cleaner and more organized. The fabrics draped across tables are pure white, and the benches are polished wood. You run a hand over one, imagining all the splinters you used to get from sitting on rotting, unlacquered seats in the Underground. 

You look to the front of the chapel, shrouded in darkness aside from the few blinks of lanterns and your fellow soldiers. You squint, trying to imagine a family, holding hands and praying. Your eyes drift from there to the open door, catching a glimpse of the rifle whoever is guarding outside. It’s not that far. They all could have ran. Anyone older than ten would have been able to make it alone. 

That story about the fire is bullshit.

“Found it.”

Your head snaps to Hange in a corner nearby a table. “A hidden trapdoor.”

You walk over as everyone starts to gather around. Sure enough, under a rug that the Captain must have moved aside, is a trapdoor, outlined by metal along the edges.

“Eren’s gotta be in here with the enemy,” Captain Hange says, crouching beside the door. “Hopefully the layout in there is like I predicted.”

“These things better pay off, considering the lengths we went to get them ready,” Levi crouches down next to Hange, using his chin to gesture at Armin twisting the lid of a pressurized container.

“All right,” Armin says, tying off the last part of the explosive, his brows furrowed as he looks over his shoulder at Levi. “We’re all set.”

“Are we?” Levi asks, quietly. He stands, addressing everyone who has gathered around. “Are you all ready to get your hands dirty, too?”

You glance at Jean, who is standing stiff a few feet away. His knuckles are white where they’re gripping onto his rifle.

“Guess so,” Levi adds, looking to the side. He wipes his hands against each other, and rolls his head around on his neck. “Then let’s go.”

Captain Hange pulls open the trapdoor, revealing a tight staircase. “Down the hatch we go,” she says, then gestures to Armin. “Let’s roll those down first.”

You look over at Jean again, watching him take a few steps to stand next to you. His gaze matches yours, and even though you can feel the nerves coming off of him in waves, he briefly takes your hand and squeezes it once.

“Be careful,” he tells you, as Levi and Hange go down once the barrels have all been rolled in.   
You wrap your hand around his fingers when he starts to pull away. Holding them tightly, you look at Jean, really look at him, trying to make sure his face is ingrained in your memories. “Don’t die.” you say plainly, holding back anything more emotional.

He cracks the slightest smile, then draws his hand from yours, following Connie into the hole.

Mikasa brushes past you, looking too focused to even wish you luck. You and Sasha are left above ground. 

Your friend pats your head, smiling tightly. “Let’s do it, Y/N!”   
You pat Sasha’s head back, going in front of her to start walking down the stairs. “Let’s.”

 

At the bottom of the staircase are double doors, curved at the top. Those kind are more expensive to make, you’ve heard. 

The explosives are stacked up in front of them, Levi and Captain Hange standing next to them at the very front.

“Alright, cadets,” Captain Hange says, her voice low. “We are assuming that Kenny the Ripper’s squad is on the other side of this door. Execute the plan as we discussed. Remember that the ultimate goal here is to retrieve Eren. All clear?”

“Yes, ma’am,” you all quietly chorus back to her.

“Good,” she says, a puff of breath with just a trace of anxiety leaving her lips just after. You watch closely as Captain Hange looks at Levi, and together they mouth the counts.

_One,_   
_Two,_   
_Three!_

Levi kicks the door open as Hange pushes out the first round of the barrels. You turn your face to the side, knuckles white with the strength of your grip on your gear’s handles, still tucked into their holsters. It sounds like the barrels are rolling down stairs, but you don’t hear any commotion yet. 

“Move out!” Levi shouts.

Your squad runs out of the tight hallway behind him, Sasha knocking an arrow set on fire at the front of the group. You press close to the wall beside Mikasa, hoping to avoid the smoke.

Within seconds, the arrow Sasha landed on a barrel breaks the seal, and you wince as a loud _BOOM_ echoes throughout what you think is a huge chamber of some kind of reflective icy glass. 

Smoke starts filling the air, dark and thick and heavy. 

You draw your signal gun and fire a green shot as Mikasa pushes off from the ledge. Off to the side, you see Levi shoot out his wires too. 

The goal was to confuse them, make it hard for them to move. Make it hard for them to shoot you. Mikasa and Levi went out first to count how many enemies you’re facing.

Up near the top of the cavern, you spot a few ledges, hanging off of twisted poles made of the same strange substance you’re standing on now. The same soldiers you saw a few days ago are standing on them, blurry through the smoke but still distinguishable, because of the large revolvers in their hands.

“ _Thirty-five!_ ” you make out Levi’s shout from somewhere farther in the chamber. “ _They’re behind the pillars! Take them all out here!_ ”

You glance over at Sasha, tucked behind the boxes with arrows and flare cartridges, loading another fiery arrow. She’s focused, doesn’t look back at you. On your other side, Captain Hange has fired off from the platform you’re on. 

You shake off your nerves and tuck your signal gun in its holster, drawing your blades and wrapping your fingers around the triggers. You take a deep breath, sigh it out, and push off the ledge into the dark smoke, just as more explodes into the air behind you.

Tears sting your eyes as the smoke brushes over them, but you just focus on getting high, up as close to the ceiling as you can. Armin said to get behind them, he said he noticed that they can only fire their guns in the same direction that their wires are going. 

You squint, spotting a pair flying towards Connie, who’s darting through the air while tracking another person. You draw your wires back to you, refiring them in that direction, trying to look around and make sure nobody is following you as you stay above the pair behind Connie.

Once you think you’re close enough, you pull back your wires in a quick snap, pressing down on the gas to send you in a fast dive. You hold your blades close to you as you plunge towards the pair, then release your wires directly into the man on the left. 

He screams, and it’s a shrill, painful, sickening sound that sends a tremor through you as you cut his wires and pull yours back, firing into a nearby pillar as the woman that was neck to him changes her focus from Connie to you, a fire lit in her eyes. She wastes no time in firing two shots at you. You yelp as they whizz past you, the ends of your hair singed from behind brushed by the bullets.

You twist, desperately yanking yourself up the pillar- but you’ve lost sight of the woman in the smoke. Another barrel explodes, sending even more thick smoke into the air. You cough, wiping at your nose, and realize your arm was wet with blood as it streaks across your cheek. You let out an involuntary shriek, throwing your own arm away from you in horror, before you take a few more deep breaths, and fire off into the smoke again, determined to take action.

As soon as you’re in the smoke again, another shot fires a foot away from your shoulder. You whip around, unable to tell who the person is who shot at you, just seeing another bullet flying towards you. Too late to move out of the way, you flash your blade in front of you, deflecting the bullet off of it. It works, but the force of the bullet sends you flying backwards with little control. You smash into someone else, and with a quick look over your shoulder, see that it’s not a member of your squad. 

Without much thought, you twist around and slash your blade across the person’s neck, watching as they drop their guns and grab their throat, gurgling at you as they fall out of sight, while you tear your eyes away to look for a place to hook your wires into.

You get interrupted again as soon as you hook your wires- Levi flies past you with a blast of smoke trailing him, and an older looking man trailing the smoke. In the half of a moment you have to think about it, you briefly wonder if that’s Kenny, the guy who raised the guy who raised you.

“ _Ah!_ ” 

You yelp, pulling your wires back to you so you can swing out of the way of a double shot directly at you. Your eyes snap to the woman who fired, then to the pillar of ice-stone directly behind her. You fire into the pillar, yanking your weight to the side to avoid another shot as she flies towards you, taking a moment to reload. 

For a second, you think you should just fly straight past her, and try to look for Eren. 

But then you remember that she just tried to kill you, and these few pauses in between shots are your strongest times. 

You twist around just as she passes you, watching as she loads her guns and begins to turn so that she can fire at you. 

You don’t let it happen- snapping your wires back to you so that you hover for a moment before falling directly atop of her before she can really face you. One blade cuts clean through her wrists, which spray blood out at you as her hands fall- but you don’t have time to notice, putting her out of her misery with a cut across her throat. 

You don’t look at her face this time. You can’t stomach it.

“Captain Hange!”

Your head whips around until you spot Connie through the smoke, then follow his gaze to the base of a pillar across the giant hall. Your eyes widen as you realize that it really is Hange, lying on the floor with a line of blood on the ice where she must have slid down. 

You faintly hear the leader of Kenny’s team call something about regrouping to her soldiers, then the whizzes of wires. 

“Captain!” you shout, wasting no time in rushing over to where Hange is strewn out on the ground. Levi is there just seconds before you, already kneeling and pushing Captain Hange over onto her back.

“Levi… just go,” she mutters, clearly out of it, glasses fogging up.  
“It looks like her shoulder,” Levi gently touches Hange’s left shoulder, which is bleeding heavily. She still flinches.   
“Yeah, and she got thrown against the wall,” you say, frowning. 

“Corporal!” 

Armin runs up behind you, the rest of your squad following him.

Levi stands, drawing his blades again. “We’ll go on foot from here, it can’t be too far. Armin, Moblit, you two carry Hange. The rest of us will go ahead.”

“Yes, sir!” you chorus back along with your squad, drawing your own blades to mirror Levi. As he turns quickly and begins walking, you stare after him, the curiosity about Kenny Ackerman still lingering in the back of your mind.

“Come on,” Jean says from beside you, his hand wrapping around your upper arm. He pulls you until you stir, finally taking a few large and unstable steps to catch up with him.

You glance over at Jean, who looks a little shaken, but mostly full of determination. You wonder if he killed anyone just now.

How many people did you kill? Was it two, or three? 

It was three. No use pretending like you don’t know. 

“You have blood on your face,” Jean’s voice snaps you out of your thoughts, and you glance over at him again as you walk at a harsh pace. His brows are drawn together. 

“Oh,” you mumble, lifting the inside of your cloak to your cheek, where you can feel a mix of wet and caked up dry blood on your skin. It makes you cringe, so you drop the fabric within just a few seconds of lightly rubbing. 

“It’s okay,” says Jean, still frowning. He reaches over you to press his thumb against your cheek, rubbing a little more near your eye off. “We can clean it all when we get back.”

His hand drops back to his side, and he draws his blades, flexing his fingers against the handles.

“Sounds good,” you sigh, looking forward again. “You’re bloody and gross, too.”  
Jean shoots you a look that you see out of the corner of your eye. “When did I ever say you were gross?”  
You shrug. “I could feel you thinking it.”  
He snorts. “Whatever. Just focus on the mission for now.”

You almost want to retort that you would have been thinking about the mission this whole time if it weren’t for him distracting you, but that would defeat the whole focusing point, so instead you just keep your mouth shut.

The mission. Eren. He’s got to be nearby, right? 

You squint, trying to look ahead, and see a moderately large hole at the end of the progressively more narrow hall you’re walking in. Water droplets splash against your ankle as you walk, surprising you. You look down only to see a thin stream of water under your feet. 

Is this place really ice? Or is that water coming from the hole you’re walking towards? 

You squint again, trying to see if you can spot anyone past the opening, but you can’t tell at all.

If someone had transformed into a titan by now, you would have heard it… right? Eren has to still be alive. They couldn’t have killed him, and they haven’t eaten him yet…

Right?

You shake your head, pushing away thoughts of Eren being eaten. You grip your handles tighter, ignoring the tremble in your hands.

It only takes a couple of minutes to reach the end of the hall, where the opening you saw before is. 

“There’s a net.” you comment plainly. Do the other soldiers really think you’d fly straight into a net like a bunch of bugs against a swatter?

“Look up there,” Levi says, turning to the right. Your eyes follow where his head is faced and you see another hole in the ice-stone, covered with a wooden grid. 

_Could we get through using that hole instead?_ you think to yourself, frowning.

Your speculations are interrupted by a flash of green-gold light, dimmer than you usually ever see it, but still powerful enough that you turn your face away, lifting an arm up to block it.

“Shit, that’s-” Jean says beside you.  
“A titan transformed?” Levi asks aloud, sounding alarmed.  
“Eren!” Mikasa’s shout is desperate, and you hear a few footsteps before she must realize she can’t even really go anywhere.

The light doesn’t stop, and instead you get hit with a strong wind so harsh it feels like a wall of air has just smacked into you. You struggle to keep your balance, kneeling down to press your hands against the floor so you don’t get thrown into the air. A sound like glass breaking rings into your ears.

“This place is gonna collapse!” Sasha yells. 

You brace yourself as pebbles of the icy stone start falling, crumbling around you.

“Corporal!” Armin’s shout catches your attention, and you look back at him, finding him pointing up at the hole in the ceiling. “The hole!”

The wooden crosshatch that was there before has all but disappeared.

“Armin! Moblit! Take Hange and get the hell out of here!” Levi commands. “The rest of you, let’s go!”

“Hnngh!” with a heavy grunt, you push yourself to your feet, hooking your wires into the ice-stone on the sides of the hole with the net. 

“Cut through the rope and keep moving! Don’t look back and don’t get distracted!” Levi shouts, thrusting his hand into the air, his blade an extension of himself. “Move out!”

You don’t need to be told twice.

Your fingers press down hard on the gas triggers as you fly forward, slicing through a section of the net, hearing gunshots go off around you as your squad maneuvers through the blasting heat and wind. Your instincts guide you- the ones you built up over years of coasting through the forest, dodging branches and other trainees, in rain and in snow, and in the humid heat of the summer. 

You tear through the air, hurtling towards the end of the large cavern, a whip of black hair telling you Mikasa is just to your side.

_What the fuck?!_

You might have said the words out loud if you had the energy- there’s some kind of huge titan skeleton sprouting in what feels like the middle of this second cavern. It’s where all the light and heat is coming from. 

Wincing, you push past it, refiring your wires into a wall you can’t even see, and pushing down on what feels like it might be the last of your gas. 

“ _Hngh!_ ” 

You crash unceremoniously into some kind of smooth floor up high in the cavern, sheathing your blades. You stand quickly, looking around and immediately spotting Mikasa holding Historia, who’s wearing some kind of weird white gown.

Then your eyes drift forward.

“Eren!” you shout, running towards him as Levi lands beside you.   
“Give me the keys!” the corporal calls urgently to Mikasa, or Historia, you can’t tell.

“Corporal? You guys!” Eren’s voice is strangled and high. You hurry to his side, Levi grabbing one of Eren’s arms after Connie appears with a ring of keys. You brace Eren’s other arm as Levi unlocks the metal cuff around Eren’s wrist, passing Connie the keys to do the lock around Eren’s ankles.

“Forget about me!” Eren practically screams, his eyes wild. Blood is dripping down his forehead from a clean slice across it, making him look even more savage than he sounds. “Corporal! Hurry and get out!”

“Shut up, you wimp!” you hear Jean shout from behind you. “It’s not just a titan, it’s a bunch of guys with guns coming after us right now!”

“Connie, hurry!” you say with urgency to your friend, who finally turns the right key.  
“He’s loose!” Connie chucks you the keys, and you start trying each one hurriedly as soon as the ring is in your hands.

The titan that’s slowly growing in front of you all is steaming profusely now, enough that you feel your skin stinging.

“That looks… way bigger than the Colossal Titan, doesn’t it?” you hear Sasha comment from somewhere behind you.

You can’t even spare a glance at the titan, even as you hear the ceiling begin to crack.

“Y/N!” Jean shouts just as Mikasa calls to watch out. You finally get the lock open and topple backwards, Eren falling on top of you and Jean and Levi dragging the both of you back towards the wall, a giant chunk of stone dropping from the ceiling exactly where you’d been a moment before.

You scramble to your feet, hoisting Eren up next to you as his weight leans against your shoulder. 

“Against the wall!” Levi orders, and you feel Jean’s hand around your wrist sharply pull you and Eren back.

You don’t even check up on Eren, too amazed and horrified by the monstrosity that just keeps on growing in front of you.

“Fuck,” you whisper, eyes wide.

It’s huge. Sasha was right. It’s bigger than the Colossal Titan, for sure. It’s curving, hunched over because it has to squat to fit in the cavern, but as it slowly rising, the ceiling cracks and cracks, splintering all the way across.

“Shit, there’s no way out!” Jean’s grip on your wrist slides down to your hand, clutching it so tightly it starts to hurt. 

Eren suddenly collapses to the floor on your right, looking drained. 

“I’m sorry!” he cries, whimpering as tears mix with blood on his face. You can do nothing but watch, eyes wide. “I’ve been nothing but useless! Ever since the beginning, I was never the hope of humanity…”

You grip Jean’s hand back, slipping your fingers in the spaces between his.

“What is this?” 

Surprised, you look over at Jean, finding him staring at Eren with skepticism. 

“Think you’re some tragic hero?” Jean continues. “When have you ever accomplished anything by your strength alone?”

“Yeah, you’re a weakling!” Connie says. “We’ve been through worse than this!”  
“Not that I wanna get used to it!” Sasha adds.  
“Still it’s going to suck trying to navigate through that,” Connie goes on.

Jean squeezes your hand. You match eyes with him, and he gives you a look full of confidence, assurance.

“I’ll take Eren,” Mikasa says. You look over and see her stepping forward.

Jean leans over you to talk to Historia. “We can’t go slow for you, so hold on for your life.”  
“Right,” she responds, nodding.

You glance down at Eren, finding him looking back at you, green eyes wide and shining gold in the light. “It’s useless,” he says, his voice wavering and barely louder than a whisper. “We can’t escape from here.”

“So do nothing?” Historia snaps back immediately. “You wanna sit here and hold hands until we get crushed or burn to death? Because we’re enemies of humanity?”

You’re surprised at her outburst. What the hell happened between the last time you saw her and now?

You look back to Eren, teeth latching onto your lower lip. You want to say something to comfort him, but you don’t know what would even be effective. He looks… like he’s lost something. You’ve never seen him quite this shaken, this unstable. When has Eren ever said that trying to survive is useless?

Blood drips onto his eyelashes as he blinks, tears running down his cheeks while he looks between all of you.

“You know, I hate doing this to you every time, but,” 

You look to the side as Levi starts talking, looking serious. 

“Eren.” he says, staring the boy beside you in the eyes. “You’ve gotta make the choice.”

You frown, wondering what exactly that means. You look back to Eren, watching an expression of determination cross his face, before he suddenly snatches something from next to your foot, and starts running towards the edge of the plateau you’re standing on.

“Eren!” you shout, taking a quick step forward, but Jean yanks you back, yelling something about you being crazy into your face. You aren’t paying attention though, hands shaking as you watch Eren jump off the edge.

Another blast of bright light hits your eyes, and you wince, tucking your face against Jean’s shoulder, in shock at what Eren has just done.

_Leave it to him, to transform out of nowhere._

“What the hell…” you hear Jean whisper in awe.

Once the light dims out enough, you lift your face, seeing Eren’s massive titan rising up from the floor of the cavern. More and more heat and wind emanates from his body, pushing you back against the wall, your cheeks starting to really sting. 

The strange part about Eren and his titan, though, isn’t the strong heat or wind. It’s the spiky, blue tendrils shooting up from somewhere you can’t see. They look almost like the icy stone of the cavern, or is it something else familiar…

“Everyone!” Levi shouts, getting your attention. He points forward. “Get under Eren!”

You nod, quickly running behind Connie and Sasha down the stairs on your right, Jean still clutching onto your hand. 

You stop by Eren’s titan feet, strung full of tension as you watch the ceiling begin to really crack apart, chunks of stone and earth crashing down on what looks like a net made out of the stuff that you now see is coming from Eren’s hands. 

With a gasp of realization, you remember what this material reminds you of.

The hard, unbreakable crystal that Annie’s titan made, that time when she tried to climb Wall Sina.

“Stay below him!” Levi commands.

You and Jean tuck yourselves against Eren’s ankle, which you notice is blue like spikes, looking up as the night sky is revealed above you through the holes of Eren’s crystal cage. The deafening crashing and quaking noises of before are slowly subsiding as the last of the earth atop the cavern falls away.

You let out a breath you hadn’t noticed you were holding, the stress that was circulating through your blood calming a little with the feeling of safety.

“Where’d the other titan go?” you hear Sasha ask, once it’s quiet enough to just talk at a normal volume.

You let go of Jean’s hand, stepping around Eren’s titan ankle to look through the net of hard crystle. “It’s gone.”

“It dragged itself out of here,” Levi answers. You glance at him out of the corner of your eye, watching him sigh and brush through his hair with his fingers. “Who knows where it’s going.”

“Let’s get Eren out,” Mikasa cuts into the conversation with urgency in her voice, drawing her blades from their sheathes. 

“I’ll go,” you say immediately, drawing your own as she walks up to meet you in front of the crystal-covered titan body. 

“Careful,” Levi says from behind you, but you just fire your hooks into the shoulder of the hardened titan, Mikasa doing the same on the other side. 

“If it’s anything like Annie’s crystal, it won’t break,” you say to Mikasa as you land on the shoulder, rappelling down and over to hang beside the nape of the neck.   
“I don’t think it is,” she replies, running a hand over the shiny substance. “It doesn’t seem quite as hard.”

“Try hitting it,” you suggest, lifting your chin at the blade she’s bracing in her right hand. 

Mikasa doesn’t need to be told twice- she quickly and powerfully slams the blade into the crystal. A few large shards break off, to your pleasant surprise.

Wordlessly, you start slashing your dull, short blades into the crystal in time with Mikasa, chipping away at the hard surface that you think must be surrounding Eren. The crystal starts to crack when it gets a little thinner.

“Eren!” Mikasa calls, her eyes wide and desperate as she gets in a strong, final hit on the crystal, shattering it completely. You quickly sheathe your blades, reaching into the hole where you can see Eren lying and hooking your hands under his arms. You heave, and pull him out with a lot more effort than you thought you would need. 

“Eren!” Mikasa repeats, hands empty of her swords now as she slides them under said boy, gently taking him from you. His eyes flutter open, skin free of the slice across his forehead and the blood that was dripping from it before.

“Eren…” just the whisper of his name leaves your lips. He doesn’t seem to hear it, but you sigh in relief anyway. 

 

Back on the ground, you stand between Eren and Jean, the former sitting down- he seemed pretty drained of energy as Mikasa carried him down from the nape of the titan’s neck.

“That’s what I call hardening,” says Levi, as you all look out upon the front of the hardened crystal titan. “Even after cutting you out, the titan still hasn’t disappeared. Pretty impressive, huh?” he turns to Eren, whose eyes widen, then press down into a frown.

“That bottle…” Eren mutters, looking like he’s remembering something. “Oh, yeah! Right before I turned into a titan, I drank out of a vial that said ‘armor’ on it…”

“Yeah,” Levi walks towards Eren, his fists clenched in what you think might be confidence. “You couldn’t do it at all before, but just now you used the hardening power. And saved all of us. In the blink of an eye, you built all of this.” 

You glance around you again at the spherical cage of the hard crystal. It almost looks like some sort of abstract art piece, seeing it without all the blinding light and shit falling around you.

“Sure, the construction looks shoddy, but... I bet that’s how the walls were made, too. In other words,” Levi crouches down in front of Eren, looking him in the eye. “We can plug the hole in Wall Maria now.”

You watch as the expression on Eren’s face morphs into something a little nervous, a little scared. A lot pressured.

Pressure. Pressure, pressure, pressure.  
It feels like that’s all that Eren gets from the higher ups.

“A lot of enemies and allies have died along the way,” Levi continues. “And getting this far hasn’t been pretty. But for as ugly as it’s been, look at the position we’re in now.”

Your gaze falls to the ground.

It’s true. You’ve all worked hard to get to a point where it would seem that finally closing up the broken gate of Wall Maria is actually feasible. Especially the people like Captain Hange or Levi, who have been fighting for this since the day the Colossal Titan first appeared.

Your eyes drift over to look at Eren again.

A part of you, no matter how ready you are to complete this mission that’s been hanging over your head since the day you joined the Survey Corps, is worried about Eren. Not Eren who can transform into a titan, but just Eren. Eren Jaeger. 

_Pressure, pressure, pressure._

“Corporal!”

Your head snaps to the side when you hear your best friend’s voice. Sasha is sliding down her wire from a hole in the ceiling, Connie following down on his own. They must be back from scouting.

“We’ve secured an exit!” she follows up.  
“Armin is safe!” calls Connie. “So are Moblit and Captain Hange!”

“Well done.” Levi says in response, as they both touch to the ground.

“Eren!” Sasha exclaims, running albeit a little raggedly up to meet you all, Connie trailing her.  
“You okay?” the bald boy asks, a smile stretched across his face.

In a typical dramatic Sasha way, she falls to the ground on her knees in front of Eren, bowing. “We’re all safe, thanks to you! But, to be perfectly honest, when you ran off crying like a little baby, I really thought we were doomed!” her voice changes like she’s imitating Eren. “‘It’s over, it’s over!’ Get it together, idiot! Quit crying like a little brat!- that’s what I was thinking when you were having your moment.”

“Oi,” says Connie, and Sasha finally lifts up her head, sitting back on her knees.

“Let’s go,” Levi interrupts plainly. “We’re going after that big-ass titan.”

You sigh, reaching down and grabbing Sasha’s arm to haul her to her feet, as the squad choruses a tired yes, sir back at Levi.

Eren gets to his feet beside you as Sasha turns her face away, seeming a little bit embarrassed at her rant. 

“Eren,” you say, despite Sasha trying to drag you away as Levi starts walking to the hole in the ceiling. 

The boy matches your gaze, his expression cloudy. He doesn’t say anything, just waits for you to talk.

“You did well,” you tell him simply, and then do your best to smile. No teeth or anything, but just what you hope is a comforting, sympathetic smile.

The corner of his lip just barely pulls up. “Thanks, Y/N.” he says, and reaches over to ruffle your hair. Without another word, Eren pivots, catching up with Mikasa as she stands waiting for him to go up to the hole in the ceiling.

You blink.

You’ll talk to him later, when this is all over.

You sigh as you start walking towards the exit next to Sasha, wondering just how many times you’ve had that same thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok. hello.
> 
> omg.
> 
> firstly, lets just start off with: this is probs gonna be a long note haha!
> 
> secondly... I'M SO SORRY. i know most of you guys who read (and especially those who comment) always tell me such sweet and supportive things about not worrying about updating when i'm busy, but i'm still sorry!!!!! i'll explain briefly why this took so long.
> 
> so, if you guys read my end of chapter notes where i say dumb and random shit, you might know that i graduated high school in may, and that means i'm going to college now! i ended up spending my summer preparing for college; taking care of all the pre-semester stuff you gotta do, spending way too much money on textbooks and stuff for my dorm... ok i'll stop treating this like a blog. basically i had a lot to do for that, and i also hosted some friends and family, and went to a lot of museums and sports events and yeah. busy summer!   
> also, for some reason, i tend to write more consistently when i have less time. which is weird. but i write the best when it's like 2 am and i'm procrastinating doing other things. which is... literally how i ended up finishing this chapter lmfao. so maybe now that i'm going to school again, the chapters will not take 2 and half months to post? i really hope so, i don't want to let you guys down ahh!!
> 
> anyway, thank you so much for your patience, and i really hope you enjoy this chapter! it's probably not worth that long of a wait, but at least it's not short 😂(i tried, guys. i tried.)
> 
> also, i barely skimmed this when it came to editing, so i'm sorry if there's errors! i'll check later and do a better job. i hope you all like chapter 33! i'm really out here having written a fanfiction thats like the same length as the grapes of wrath. ok, time for me to stop and also go tf to sleep! 
> 
> see you next time~


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